quotes = [ ' \
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) \
	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National \
	Redwood Forest. \
 \
7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) \
	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the \
	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. \
',' \
A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge \
the work of creative men. There is logic in this; he is unbiased -- he hates \
all creative people equally. \
',' \
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. \
',' \
	A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when \
a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him.  "Are you the \
foreman around here?" he asked timidly.  "I\'d like to join your circus; I \
have what I think is a pretty good act." \
	The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to \
the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. \
Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping \
his arms furiously.  Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little \
man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, \
performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive \
from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside \
the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. \
	"Well," puffed the little man.  "What do you think?" \
	"That\'s all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully.  "Bird \
imitations?" \
',' \
A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned \
things is ample. \
		-- Rebecca West \
',' \
A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. \
		-- Whitney Balliett \
',' \
A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano. \
',' \
A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him \
what he meant. \
		-- Wilson Mizner \
',' \
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of \
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn\'t look like an elephant. \
',' \
	A hard-luck actor who appeared in one coloossal disaster after another \
finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact.  Someone pointed out that it\'s \
the first time the poor fellow\'s been in the same cast for more than a week. \
',' \
A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone. \
	"Hello?" his friend answers. \
	"Hi!" says the man.  "This is Bob, how are you doing?" \
	"Oh," says the friend, "I\'m doing great!  I just sold a screenplay \
for two hundred thousand dollars.  I\'ve started a novel adaptation and the \
studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it.  I also have a television \
series coming on next week, and everyone says it\'s going to be a big hit! \
I\'m doing *great*!  How are you?" \
	"Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves." \
',' \
A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. \
',' \
	A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a \
new theatrical season.  "Who am I to stone the first cast?" \
',' \
	A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at \
the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the \
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it\'s quite \
nice," he replied, but don\'t you think it would be better if..." \
	"If what?" asked the composer. \
	"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" \
',' \
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. \
',' \
A rose is a rose is a rose.  Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of \
PBS viewers in the \'70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs, \
Downstairs."  Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it\'s \
with Rose she\'s forever identified.  So much so that she even likes to \
joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its \
drawbacks.  "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked \
up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very \
good in beds; better up against a wall.\'  I want to tell you that\'s not \
true.  I\'m very good in beds as well." \
',' \
A sequel is an admission that you\'ve been reduced to imitating yourself. \
		-- Don Marquis \
',' \
	A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to \
Madonna, a young puppy.  It hitched its waggin\' to a star. \
',' \
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. \
		-- Michael Winner, British film director \
',' \
A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother \
drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. \
		-- Shaw \
',' \
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call \
what he writes fiction. \
		-- William Faulkner \
',' \
A yawn is a silent shout. \
		-- G.K. Chesterton \
',' \
A young man wrote to Mozart and said: \
 \
Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any \
   suggestions as to how to get started?" \
A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with \
   some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." \
Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." \
A: "But I never asked anybody how." \
',' \
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. \
',' \
Acting is not very hard.  The most important things are to be able to laugh \
and cry.  If I have to cry, I think of my sex life.  And if I have to laugh, \
well, I think of my sex life. \
		-- Glenda Jackson \
',' \
Actor			Real Name \
 \
Boris Karloff		William Henry Pratt \
Cary Grant		Archibald Leach \
Edward G. Robinson	Emmanual Goldenburg \
Gene Wilder		Gerald Silberman \
John Wayne		Marion Morrison \
Kirk Douglas		Issur Danielovitch \
Richard Burton		Richard Jenkins Jr. \
Roy Rogers		Leonard Slye \
Woody Allen		Allen Stewart Konigsberg \
',' \
Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. \
',' \
Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. \
		-- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely \
		New Cynic\'s Calendar", 1905 \
',' \
Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. \
		-- actress Mary Pickford, 1925 \
',' \
Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something \
strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock \'n\' roll died out. It was \
replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life more \
advanced than the lichen family. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don\'t Know Dum Diddly Do" \
',' \
Alex Haley was adopted! \
',' \
All art is but imitation of nature. \
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca \
',' \
An actor\'s a guy who if you ain\'t talkin\' about him, ain\'t listening. \
		-- Marlon Brando \
',' \
An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. \
',' \
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but \
television\'s message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and \
world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers \
whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don\'t Know Dum Diddly Do" \
',' \
Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a representation \
of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a representation of \
anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone capable of sitting upright \
in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. \
		-- Richard Schickel \
',' \
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it. \
',' \
	"Are you police officers?" \
	"No, ma\'am.  We\'re musicians." \
		-- The Blues Brothers \
',' \
Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote \
a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux."  Aside from \
one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn\'t allow this work \
to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death. \
(He died in 1921.) \
	Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth, \
flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I\'ve been having this \
fantasy... \
	What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung? \
And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw?  (This \
instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!)  Then the \
piece would be better known as: \
	SAINT-SAENS\' SAW SONG "SWAN"! \
',' \
Art is a jealous mistress. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. \
		-- Picasso \
',' \
Art is anything you can get away with. \
		-- Marshall McLuhan. \
',' \
Art is either plagiarism or revolution. \
		-- Paul Gauguin \
',' \
Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. \
		-- Chazal \
',' \
Art is the tree of life.  Science is the tree of death. \
',' \
As a goatherd learns his trade by goat, so a writer learns his trade by wrote. \
',' \
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a \
lamp-post how it feels about dogs. \
		-- Christopher Hampton \
',' \
Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever \
depths they were once able to plumb. \
		-- Stanley Kaufman \
',' \
Authors are easy to get on with -- if you\'re fond of children. \
		-- Michael Joseph, "Observer" \
',' \
Bahdges?  We don\'t need no stinkin\' bahdges! \
		-- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" \
',' \
Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent \
and original in your work. \
		-- Flaubert \
',' \
Being a mime means never having to say you\'re sorry. \
',' \
"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> \
',' \
Ben, why didn\'t you tell me? \
		-- Luke Skywalker \
',' \
"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" \
		-- Time Bandits \
',' \
Best Mistakes In Films \
	In his "Filmgoer\'s Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists \
four of the cinema\'s greatest moments which you should get to see if at all \
possible. \
	In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a \
street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window. \
	In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned \
with television aerials. \
	In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his \
fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill \
in the background. \
	In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is \
clearly visible on one of the leading characters. \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
BS:	You remind me of a man. \
B:	What man? \
BS:	The man with the power. \
B:	What power? \
BS:	The power of voodoo. \
B:	Voodoo? \
BS:	You do. \
B:	Do what? \
BS:	Remind me of a man. \
B:	What man? \
BS:	The man with the power... \
		-- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer" \
',' \
Burnt Sienna.  That\'s the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. \
		-- Ken Weaver \
',' \
But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable \
nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. \
		-- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" \
',' \
But you shall not escape my iambics. \
		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus \
',' \
Can\'t act.  Slightly bald.  Also dances. \
		-- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire\'s screen test. \
		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" \
',' \
Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. \
		-- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin\'s Sayings" \
',' \
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. \
',' \
Darth Vader!  Only you would be so bold! \
		-- Princess Leia Organa \
',' \
Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot \
that shot down the Korean jet?  At one point he definitely states: \
 \
	"Natasha!  First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and squirrel." \
 \
		-- ihuxw!tommyo \
',' \
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. \
',' \
Don\'t everyone thank me at once! \
		-- Han Solo \
',' \
Dustin Farnum:	Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! \
Oliver Herford:	Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it! \
		-- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks" \
',' \
Dying is easy.  Comedy is difficult. \
		-- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed. \
',' \
E.T. GO HOME!!!  (And take your Smurfs with you.) \
',' \
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. \
		-- Fred Allen \
',' \
Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! \
		-- Bullwinkle Moose \
',' \
Elwood:  What kind of music do you get here ma\'am? \
Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. \
',' \
Ever get the feeling that the world\'s on tape and one of the reels is missing? \
		-- Rich Little \
',' \
Everyone is in the best seat. \
		-- John Cage \
',' \
Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an \
autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. \
		-- Marlo Thomas \
',' \
Fast ship?  You mean you\'ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon? \
		-- Han Solo \
',' \
"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order" \
		-- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" \
',' \
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. \
',' \
For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at \
the results of this evening\'s experiments.  Astonished at the wonderful \
power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous \
and bad music may be put on record forever. \
		-- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888 \
',' \
For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear. \
',' \
Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. \
',' \
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12 \
 \
O.E.D.:				David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. \
 \
	Lean\'s version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of \
	shallowness in its treatment of a complete work.  Omar Sharif \
	tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in \
	the role of abbacy.  As usual, the photography is stunning. \
	With Julie Christie. \
',' \
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3 \
 \
MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: \
	Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart\'s desire and \
	tries to make it big on Broadway.  Santa sings and dances his way \
	into your heart. \
',' \
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5 \
 \
THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: \
	This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman \
	forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family \
	make ends meet.  At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales \
	of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues \
	and to power small electrical appliances.  Maureen Stapleton gives \
	a glowing performance. \
',' \
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9 \
 \
THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS:	Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. \
 \
	Godard\'s meditation on the topic has been described as \
	everything from "timeless" to "endless."  (Remade by Gene \
	Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.) \
',' \
FORTUNE\'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#37 \
	Can you name the seven seas? \
		Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, \
		North Pacific, South Pacific. \
	Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? \
		Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. \
',' \
Fremen add life to spice! \
',' \
				FROM THE DESK OF \
				Dorothy Gale \
 \
	Auntie Em: \
		Hate you. \
		Hate Kansas. \
		Taking the dog. \
			Dorothy \
',' \
G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One \
of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his \
secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?\' and when she says \
`No,\' he will say, `Well, then we\'ll have to start on the rubbish.\' And \
that\'s your chance, my boy." \
',' \
Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on \
our heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! \
		-- Adventures of Asterix \
',' \
George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of \
his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: \
	"Bring a friend, if you have one." \
 \
Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he \
had a previous engagement.  He also attached the following: \
	"Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." \
',' \
Go ahead... make my day. \
		-- Dirty Harry \
',' \
God help the troubadour who tries to be a star.  The more that you try \
to find success, the more that you will fail. \
		-- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect \
',' \
God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the elephant \
and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. \
		-- Pablo Picasso \
',' \
God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle. \
',' \
Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. \
',' \
Governor Tarkin.  I should have expected to find you holding Vader\'s \
leash.  I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board. \
		-- Princess Leia Organa \
',' \
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17): \
 \
On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place \
of residence. \
',' \
Grig (the navigator): \
	... so you see, it\'s just the two of us against the entire space \
	armada. \
Alex (the gunner): \
	What?!? \
Grig:	I\'ve always wanted to fight a desperate battle against \
	overwhelming odds. \
Alex:	It\'ll be a slaughter! \
Grig:	That\'s the spirit! \
		-- The Last Starfighter \
',' \
H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. Mencken -- \
there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. \
		-- Maxwell Bodenheim \
',' \
	"Hawk, we\'re going to die." \
	"Never say die... and certainly never say we." \
		-- M*A*S*H \
',' \
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. \
		-- John Mason Brown, drama critic \
',' \
He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. \
		-- Jonathon Swift \
',' \
"Hello," he lied. \
		-- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent \
',' \
Hello.  Jim Rockford\'s machine, this is Larry Doheny\'s machine.  Will you \
please have your master call my master at his convenience?  Thank you. \
Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you. \
		-- "The Rockford Files" \
',' \
Hi Jimbo.  Dennis.  Really appreciate the help on the income tax.  You wanna \
help on the audit now? \
		-- "The Rockford Files" \
',' \
Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: \
An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. \
 \
The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional \
media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters, \
discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways.  The artist explores \
our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental \
structures in a post-industrial world.  She/he (the artist prefers to \
remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and \
creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its \
inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and \
class-based stress.  The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of \
the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has \
sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to \
exist in a more fundamental sense. \
',' \
Hollywood is where if you don\'t have happiness you send out for it. \
		-- Rex Reed \
',' \
Holy Dilemma!  Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? \
Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? \
 \
	Tune in again tomorrow: \
	same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! \
',' \
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. \
',' \
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. \
',' \
Humpty Dumpty was pushed. \
',' \
I accept chaos.  I am not sure whether it accepts me.  I know some people \
are terrified of the bomb.  But then some people are terrified to be seen \
carrying a modern screen magazine.  Experience teaches us that silence \
terrifies people the most. \
		-- Bob Dylan \
',' \
I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. \
		-- David Bowie \
',' \
I am a deeply superficial person. \
		-- Andy Warhol \
',' \
I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac \
thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the \
total discrediting of the world of reality. \
		-- Salvador Dali \
',' \
I can\'t understand why a person will take a year or two to write a \
novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. \
		-- Fred Allen \
',' \
I didn\'t do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can\'t prove anything! \
                -- Bart Simpson \
',' \
I didn\'t like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.  The curtain \
was up. \
',' \
I distrust a close-mouthed man.  He generally picks the wrong time to talk \
and says the wrong things.  Talking\'s something you can\'t do judiciously, \
unless you keep in practice.  Now, sir, we\'ll talk if you like.  I\'ll tell \
you right out, I\'m a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk. \
		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" \
',' \
I don\'t know anything about music.  In my line you don\'t have to. \
		-- Elvis Presley \
',' \
I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one\'s business on \
earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has \
succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual becoming, with a \
goal in front and not behind. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
I had another dream the other day about music critics.  They were small \
and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a \
painting by Goya. \
		-- Stravinsky \
',' \
I have a very strange feeling about this... \
		-- Luke Skywalker \
',' \
"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, \
which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark\'." \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" \
',' \
I have had my television aerials removed.  It\'s the moral equivalent \
of a prostate operation. \
		-- Malcolm Muggeridge \
',' \
I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole ____BODY! \
		-- from "Cerebus" #82 \
',' \
I knew her before she was a virgin. \
		-- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day \
',' \
I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they \
could do was to go away. \
',' \
I never made a mistake in my life.  I thought I did once, but I was wrong. \
		-- Lucy Van Pelt \
',' \
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. \
		-- G. B. Shaw \
',' \
I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind \
of name that was popular in the \'60s as a result of controlled substances \
being in widespread use.  Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms \
of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like \
a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments \
as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake" \
',' \
I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the \
reader.  But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if \
I find that I cannot horrify, I\'ll go for the gross-out. \
		-- Stephen King \
',' \
I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the \
morning.  A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for \
the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don\'t want to \
invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine.  Who composed \
the opening theme music of \'Omnibus\'?  My friend said Virgil Thomson."  I \
asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said, \
"You\'re right."  The porter said,  "I knew Thomson doesn\'t write counterpoint \
that way."  I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed. \
		-- Alistair Cooke \
',' \
I remember Ulysses well...  Left one day for the post office to mail a letter, \
met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, and didn\'t come back for 20 years. \
',' \
I saw Lassie.  It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never \
spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series? \
',' \
I stick my neck out for nobody. \
		-- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" \
',' \
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to \
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. \
		-- Shirley Temple \
',' \
I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookie win. \
		-- C3P0 \
',' \
	"I suppose you expect me to talk." \
	"No, Mr. Bond.  I expect you to die." \
		-- Goldfinger \
',' \
I think we\'re in trouble. \
		-- Han Solo \
',' \
I think...  I think it\'s in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. \
		-- Escher \
',' \
I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything \
constructive, but in all honesty I\'d rather turn up my amplifier full blast \
and drown myself in the noise. \
		-- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer" \
',' \
I used to be disgusted, now I find I\'m just amused. \
		-- Elvis Costello \
',' \
I was working on a case.  It had to be a case, because I couldn\'t afford a \
desk.  Then I saw her.  This tall blond lady.  She must have been tall \
because I was on the third floor.  She rolled her deep blue eyes towards \
me.  I picked them up and rolled them back.  We kissed.  She screamed.  I \
took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again. \
',' \
I watch television because you don\'t know what it will do if you leave it \
in the room alone. \
',' \
I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.  If \
people are disillusioned by that remark, I can\'t help it.  It\'s the truth. \
		-- Charlie Chaplin \
',' \
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.  Great song. \
		-- Fred Reuss \
',' \
I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula \
and Superman away. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.  There\'s a \
knob called "brightness", but it doesn\'t seem to work. \
		-- Gallagher \
',' \
I\'d just as soon kiss a Wookie. \
		-- Princess Leia Organa \
',' \
I\'ll be Grateful when they\'re Dead. \
',' \
I\'ll never get off this planet. \
		-- Luke Skywalker \
',' \
I\'m a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain. \
',' \
I\'m not a real movie star -- I\'ve still got the same wife I started out \
with twenty-eight years ago. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
I\'ve got a very bad feeling about this. \
		-- Han Solo \
',' \
  I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of \
     its situation. \
	Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.  He \
	loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to \
	look down.  At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per \
	second per second takes over. \
 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter \
     intervenes suddenly. \
	Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon \
	characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone \
	pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. \
	Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the \
	stooge\'s surcease. \
III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation \
     conforming to its perimeter. \
	Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the \
	speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless \
	cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through \
	the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole.  The \
	threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. \
		-- Esquire, "O\'Donnell\'s Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 \
',' \
If *I* had a hammer, there\'d be no more folk singers. \
',' \
If all the world\'s a stage, I want to operate the trap door. \
		-- Paul Beatty \
',' \
If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, \
and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, \
not just because you fear she might be crazy.  If she tells her tale on \
camera, you might listen.  Watching strangers on television , even \
responding to them from a studio audience, we\'re disengaged -- voyeurs \
collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community.  Never \
have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. \
		-- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television \
		   in "I\'m Dysfunctional, You\'re Dysfunctional". \
',' \
If Beethoven\'s Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soon \
fall into disuse. \
		-- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 \
',' \
If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? \
',' \
If God didn\'t mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn\'t come three to a can. \
',' \
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. \
',' \
If I had any humility I would be perfect. \
		-- Ted Turner \
',' \
If I had done everything I\'m credited with, I\'d be speaking to you from \
a laboratory jar at Harvard. \
		-- Frank Sinatra \
 \
AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS. \
		-- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine \
',' \
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I\'ll do it. \
		-- Bob Hope \
',' \
If it ain\'t baroque, don\'t phiques it. \
',' \
If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, \
I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down \
the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes.  A more sententious, holding- \
forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp \
of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. \
		-- James Dickey \
',' \
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. \
',' \
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient \
evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" \
',' \
If you have to ask what jazz is, you\'ll never know. \
		-- Louis Armstrong \
',' \
If you lose a son you can always get another, but there\'s only one \
Maltese Falcon. \
		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" \
',' \
If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time someone pulls \
out a sword I\'d like to see you get up there with your Bic. \
',' \
If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that\'s \
read by persons who move their lips when the\'re reading to themselves. \
		-- Don Marquis \
',' \
Imitation is the sincerest form of television. \
		-- Fred Allen \
',' \
Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. \
		-- Lionel Trilling \
',' \
Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. \
		-- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" \
',' \
In Hollywood, all marriages are happy.  It\'s trying to live together \
afterwards that causes the problems. \
		-- Shelley Winters \
',' \
In Hollywood, if you don\'t have happiness, you send out for it. \
		-- Rex Reed \
',' \
In just seven days, I can make you a man! \
		-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show \
',' \
In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending \
your left leg, it\'s modern architecture. \
		-- Nancy Banks Smith \
',' \
In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. \
',' \
In the force if Yoda\'s so strong, construct a sentence with words in \
the proper order then why can\'t he? \
',' \
In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains.  As night falls the \
wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle.  After \
everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the \
camp. \
	After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from \
a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day.  The drums get \
louder and louder. \
	Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don\'t like \
the sound of those drums." \
	Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp:  "IT\'S \
NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER." \
',' \
It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater.  The clown came \
out to inform the public.  They thought it was just a jest and applauded. \
He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder.  So I think the world \
will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe \
that it is a joke. \
',' \
It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been \
dead for two years. \
		-- Tom Lehrer \
',' \
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both \
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by \
twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. \
		-- Rod Serling \
',' \
It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a \
statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious  \
to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,  \
which morally we can do.  To affect the quality of the day, that is the \
highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, \
worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. \
		-- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" \
',' \
It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. \
	-- Lloyd Kaufman, producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" \
',' \
It just doesn\'t seem right to go over the river and through the woods \
to Grandmother\'s condo. \
',' \
It looks like it\'s up to me to save our skins.  Get into that garbage chute, \
flyboy! \
		-- Princess Leia Organa \
',' \
It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and \
they\'ll come out for it. \
		-- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul \
		   Harry Cohn \
',' \
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, \
but I couldn\'t give it up because by that time I was too famous. \
		-- Robert Benchley \
',' \
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. \
',' \
It\'ll be just like Beggars\' Canyon back home. \
		-- Luke Skywalker \
',' \
It\'s all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. \
		-- Mick Jagger \
',' \
It\'s clever, but is it art? \
',' \
It\'s difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. \
',' \
It\'s from Casablanca.  I\'ve been waiting all my life to use that line. \
		-- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam" \
',' \
"It\'s kind of fun to do the impossible." \
		-- Walt Disney \
',' \
It\'s more than magnificent -- it\'s mediocre. \
		-- Sam Goldwyn \
',' \
It\'s not easy, being green. \
		-- Kermit the Frog \
',' \
It\'s not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. \
		-- Garfield \
',' \
IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or \
    equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to \
    spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. \
	Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it \
	inevitably unsuccessful. \
 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. \
	Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel \
	them directly away from the earth\'s surface.  A spooky noise or an \
	adversary\'s signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to \
	the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. \
	The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding \
	auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. \
VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. \
	This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a \
	character\'s head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of \
	altercation at several places simultaneously.  This effect is common \
	as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.  A "wacky" \
	character has the option of self-replication only at manic high \
	speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. \
		-- Esquire, "O\'Donnell\'s Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 \
',' \
James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total \
indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. \
		-- Tom Stoppard \
',' \
James McNeill Whistler\'s (painter of "Whistler\'s Mother") \
failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to \
remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a \
major general." \
',' \
Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back \
east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible \
Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium \
because nothing\'s well done. It was discovered, I suppose you\'ve heard, \
by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social \
grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What\'s on \
television?" and "Good night". \
		-- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho \
		   Letters, 1967 \
',' \
Jim, it\'s Grace at the bank.  I checked your Christmas Club account. \
You don\'t have five-hundred dollars.  You have fifty.  Sorry, computer foul-up! \
		-- "The Rockford Files" \
',' \
Jim, it\'s Jack.  I\'m at the airport.  I\'m going to Tokyo and wanna pay \
you the five-hundred I owe you.  Catch you next year when I get back! \
		-- "The Rockford Files" \
',' \
Jim, this is Janelle.  I\'m flying tonight, so I can\'t make our date, and \
I gotta find a safe place for Daffy.  He loves you, Jim!  It\'s only two \
days, and you\'ll see.  Great Danes are no problem! \
		-- "The Rockford Files" \
',' \
Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph\'s and Mark\'s.  Some guy named Angel \
Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab.  And now he wants to charge it \
to you.  You gonna pay it? \
		-- "The Rockford Files" \
',' \
JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! \
 \
(George and Ringo miffed.) \
',' \
Just because you like my stuff doesn\'t mean I owe you anything. \
		-- Bob Dylan \
',' \
Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to \
yourself, `There\'s no place like home.\' \
		-- Glynda the Good \
',' \
Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of \
blue denim.  If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys \
like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim.  I don\'t enjoy the sky \
or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character.  If Jesus Christ \
came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the \
nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim.  Then we\'d get \
crucified in the morning. \
		-- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull \
',' \
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn\'t \
immune to bullets. \
		-- The Brigadier, "Dr. Who" \
',' \
Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant.  While describing his \
duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee \
table and warned him that he was not to take any.  Some days later, the new \
manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some \
of the candy.  Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the \
candy, and said: \
	"Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow\'s nugate you chew?" \
',' \
	Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she \
lived with was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always \
getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to \
the farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She\'d whimper and tug at their \
sleeves, and they\'d always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do \
you think something\'s wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her? \
What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead \
of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under \
the tractor, I don\'t see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. \
They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the \
applications for. \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
Lay off the muses, it\'s a very tough dollar. \
		-- S.J. Perelman \
',' \
Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast. \
',' \
	Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and \
tries to hide behind a beard.  No good.  There are still too many people \
and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking.  He moves to the \
outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap, \
caretaker included.  He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants, \
day and night, and there\'s no one to laugh or boo or even look bored. \
	Nobody\'s cut the grass in months.  What\'s happened to that caretaker? \
What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are \
start to get curious.  A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper. \
Before the summer\'s end, four more teenagers have disappeared.  The senior \
class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she\'s going out to a \
movie one night and stays out.  The town\'s up in arms, but just before the \
police take action, the kids turn up.  They\'ve found a purpose.  They go \
home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they\'ll be going \
now.  They\'re in a band. \
		-- Ira Kaplan \
',' \
Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was \
going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then \
being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends. \
',' \
Like ya know?  Rock \'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the \
creativity chambers in people\'s brains, and like totally activates their \
essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving \
the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting \
rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun. \
		-- Senior Year Quote \
',' \
Linus:	Hi!  I thought it was you. \
	I\'ve been watching you from way off...  You\'re looking great! \
Snoopy:	That\'s nice to know. \
	The secret of life is to look good at a distance. \
',' \
Linus:	I guess it\'s wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.  Maybe \
	we should think only about today. \
Charlie Brown: \
	No, that\'s giving up.  I\'m still hoping that yesterday will get \
	better. \
',' \
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. \
		-- James Dean \
',' \
Live from New York ... It\'s Saturday Night! \
',' \
Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano. \
',' \
Lucy:	Dance, dance, dance.  That is all you ever do. \
	Can\'t you be serious for once? \
Snoopy: She is right!  I think I had better think \
	of the more important things in life! \
	(pause) \
	Tomorrow!! \
',' \
Luke, I\'m yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser. \
		-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" \
',' \
Maj. Bloodnok:	Seagoon, you\'re a coward! \
Seagoon:	Only in the holiday season. \
Maj. Bloodnok:	Ah, another Noel Coward! \
',' \
Mandrell: "You know what I think?" \
Doctor:   "Ah, ah that\'s a catch question. With a brain your size you \
	  don\'t think, right?" \
		-- Dr. Who \
',' \
Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing \
tricks on me and treating me badly. \
		-- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur \
',' \
Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on \
the dance floor.  Now everyone\'s doing it.  It\'s called grand slam dancing. \
		-- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 \
',' \
Mate, this parrot wouldn\'t VOOM if you put four million volts through it! \
		-- Monty Python \
',' \
"Microwave oven?  Whaddya mean, it\'s a microwave oven?  I\'ve been watching \
Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." \
',' \
Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you out \
of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. \
		-- Casablanca \
',' \
Mike:	"The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" \
Bernie:	"Nobody ever empties the ashtrays.  People are SO inconsiderate." \
		-- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" \
',' \
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. \
',' \
Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade \
themselves that they have a better idea. \
		-- John Ciardi \
',' \
Mos Eisley Spaceport; you\'ll not find a more wretched collection of \
villainy and disreputable types... \
		-- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" \
',' \
Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary \
Etiquette.  We aren\'t going to call again!  Now you want these free \
lessons or what? \
		-- "The Rockford Files" \
',' \
Mr. Rockford?  Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses.  We got your \
renewal before the extended deadline but not your check.  I\'m sorry but \
at midnight you\'re no longer licensed as an investigator. \
		-- "The Rockford Files" \
',' \
Mr. Rockford?  This is Betty Joe Withers.  I got four shirts of yours from \
the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake.  I don\'t know why they gave me men\'s \
shirts but they\'re going back. \
		-- "The Rockford Files" \
',' \
Mr. Rockford?  You don\'t know me, but I\'d like to hire you.  Could \
you call me at...  My name is... uh...  Never mind, forget it! \
		-- "The Rockford Files" \
',' \
My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. \
		-- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner\'s "Grendel" \
',' \
My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my \
amplifier out the dormitory window.  We did not act in haste. First we \
checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the \
belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up the amplifier and backed \
up to my bedroom door.  Then we rushed forward, shouting "The WHO!  The \
WHO!" and we launched my amplifier perfectly, as though we had been doing it \
all our lives, clean through the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a \
small but appreciative crowd had gathered.  I would like to be able to say \
that this was a symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away \
from one state in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper \
and I really just wanted to find out what it would sound like.  It sounded \
OK. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake" \
',' \
"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?" \
	-- MadameX \
',' \
My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. \
		-- Peter Stack, movie review \
 \
His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. \
		-- John Stark, movie review \
',' \
No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. \
		-- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about \
		   film rights to "Gone With the Wind". \
		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" \
',' \
No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.  It should be of the hill, \
belonging to it. \
		-- Frank Lloyd Wright \
',' \
No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of \
them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe \
their wish has been granted. \
		-- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer\'s Hand" \
',' \
No two persons ever read the same book. \
		-- Edmund Wilson \
',' \
"No, `Eureka\' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.\'" \
		-- Dr. Who \
',' \
Nobody can be exactly like me.  Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. \
		-- Tallulah Bankhead \
',' \
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! \
',' \
Noone ever built a statue to a critic. \
',' \
Not all who own a harp are harpers. \
		-- Marcus Terentius Varro \
',' \
Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of \
wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is \
astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- \
unfortunately, divided lengthwise.  She enchants Sigmund, who is careful \
not to make any poultry jokes. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
Oh Dad!  We\'re ALL Devo! \
',' \
	"Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out \
of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on \
urban crime.  Look, here\'s my ID, and here\'s a number you can call, that will \
put you through to our central base in Atlanta.  Go ahead, call -- they\'ll \
confirm who I am. \
	"Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." \
		-- Captain Freedom \
',' \
Oh, Aunty Em, it\'s so good to be home! \
',' \
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. \
',' \
Old musicians never die, they just decompose. \
',' \
Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how \
weak he is. \
		-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31" \
',' \
One big pile is better than two little piles. \
		-- Arlo Guthrie \
',' \
Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to \
talk to.  And you just HAVE to watch it.  "Blind, masochistic minority, \
crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love \
them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." \
',' \
	Penn\'s aunts made great apple pies at low prices.  No one else in \
town could compete with the pie rates of Penn\'s aunts. \
',' \
People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to \
amuse them. \
		-- S. Johnson \
',' \
Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain \
unsoundness of mind. \
		-- Thomas Macaulay \
',' \
Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia \
because they were liars.  The truth was that Plato knew philosophers \
couldn\'t compete successfully with poets. \
		-- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer), "Venus on the Half Shell" \
',' \
Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake" \
',' \
Please, won\'t somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? \
',' \
Plots are like girdles.  Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they\'re \
of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain \
an uncontainable experience. \
		-- R.S. Knapp \
',' \
Potahto\' Pictures Productions Presents: \
 \
	SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that\'s \
left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world \
populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater.  Thanks to \
him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a \'tater is where it\'s at.  Memorable \
line, "\'Cause I\'m just a stud spud!" \
 \
	FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a \
fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on \
unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks.  Scenes include a girl being stuffed \
with chives and Fleischman\'s Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish \
with beets and dressing.  Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on \
diets that are driving them crazy. \
 \
	FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same. \
Except with sour cream. \
',' \
Potahto\' Pictures Productions Presents: \
 \
	THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day \
McDonald\'s restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl \'tater) who will give birth \
to the world\'s largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly \
behind this).  Most quotable line: "Ah\'ll be baked..." \
 \
	A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, \
rides into a town that\'s deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover \
of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers.  Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and \
general butter-melting by all. \
 \
	FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off!  Cameo by Walter \
Cronkite, as every man\'s common \'tater! \
',' \
Prizes are for children. \
		-- Charles Ives, upon being given, but refusing, the \
		   Pulitzer prize \
',' \
Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who\'ve had no training. \
And there\'s no reason for it.  So what if I didn\'t attend the Royal Academy \
for twelve years?  I\'m still a professional trying to be the best actress \
I can.  Why doesn\'t anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets? \
		-- Farrah Fawcett-Majors \
',' \
Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator \
of sociopathic tendencies. \
		-- Zoso \
',' \
Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the \
Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. \
',' \
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. \
',' \
Rascal, am I?  Take THAT! \
		-- Errol Flynn \
',' \
Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after \
his death.  He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. \
"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol."  Over at the \
microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the \
bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers.  So Stevie \
Ray\'s thinking, "Oh, wow!  I\'ve died and gone to rock and roll heaven." \
Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: \
"\'Close to You\'.  Hit it, boys!" \
		-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller \
',' \
Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our \
extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille. \
		-- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic \
		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" \
',' \
"Rembrandt\'s first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it." \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
Satire is tragedy plus time. \
		-- Lenny Bruce \
',' \
Satire is what closes in New Haven. \
',' \
Satire is what closes Saturday night. \
		-- George Kaufman \
',' \
\'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! \
		-- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix \
',' \
She ran the gamut of emotions from \'A\' to \'B\'. \
		-- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance \
',' \
"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing\'.  I said, `That\'s nothing, \
you should hear me play piano.\'" \
		-- Morrisey \
',' \
She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is \
good at being short. \
		-- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe \
',' \
Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet!  I\'m hunting wabbits... \
',' \
Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. \
		-- Martin Mull \
',' \
Sir, it\'s very possible this asteroid is not stable. \
		-- C3P0 \
',' \
Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects \
such as wickerwork picnic baskets.  Imagination without skill gives us modern \
art. \
		-- Tom Stoppard \
',' \
Smile!  You\'re on Candid Camera. \
',' \
Snakes.  Why did it have to be snakes? \
		-- Indiana Jones, "Raiders of the Lost Ark" \
',' \
Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can\'t be run away from. \
',' \
Snow White has become a camera buff.  She spends hours and hours \
shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics.  Then she \
mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service.  It takes weeks \
for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right \
with Snow White.  She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps \
the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come." \
',' \
So do the noble fall.  For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making. \
A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality.  Against the greater force \
they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because \
of obligations.  And when the noble fall, the base remain.  The base -- whose \
only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect.  Whose only \
purpose is to destroy.  The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of \
strength.  For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force. \
Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore. \
		-- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193 \
',' \
	So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. \
With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to \
maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of \
corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to \
flop up onto the land and evolve.  Richard and I were inching toward \
it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- \
I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in \
the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. \
	Many people would have panicked at this point.  But Richard and \
I were not "many people."  We were experienced waders, and we kept our \
heads.  We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you\'re \
unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water \
up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the \
opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of \
our feet never once went below the surface of the water.  We ran all \
the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers \
cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen \
these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked \
into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" \
',' \
Some men who fear that they are playing second fiddle aren\'t in the \
band at all. \
',' \
Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when \
you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse. \
		-- Avery \
',' \
"Spare no expense to save money on this one." \
		-- Samuel Goldwyn \
',' \
Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; \
Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest \
science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who!  And I\'ll take you all \
on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! \
		-- Harlan Ellison \
',' \
	"Surely you can\'t be serious." \
	"I am serious, and stop calling me Shirley." \
		-- "Airplane" \
',' \
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. \
		-- Laurie Anderson \
',' \
Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. \
		-- John Mason Brown, drama critic \
',' \
Television -- the longest amateur night in history. \
		-- Robert Carson \
',' \
Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs. \
	-- Alfred Hitchcock \
',' \
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other. \
		-- Ann Landers \
',' \
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. \
		-- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs \
',' \
Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping \
the top of the barrel. \
		-- Gore Vidal \
',' \
Ten years of rejection slips is nature\'s way of telling you to stop writing. \
		-- R. Geis \
',' \
That\'s no moon... \
		-- Obi-wan Kenobi \
',' \
The Angels want to wear my red shoes. \
		-- E. Costello \
',' \
The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion -- \
but doesn\'t. \
		-- Tom Crichton \
',' \
	The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can\'t just \
say it\'s pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these \
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, \
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal \
saying goes: "N\'wam k\'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think \
you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same \
time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of \
Northern Mali that you may be interested in." \
	So it\'s not considered pornographic when National Geographic \
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest \
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason \
naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an \
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System \
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But \
others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. \
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography" \
',' \
The cable TV sex channels don\'t expand our horizons, don\'t make us better \
people, and don\'t come in clearly enough. \
		-- Bill Maher \
',' \
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly \
greater than that of any other animals.  Some of their most esteemed \
inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party \
of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. \
		-- H. L. Mencken \
',' \
The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense \
		-- Picasso \
',' \
The covers of this book are too far apart. \
		-- Book review by Ambrose Bierce. \
',' \
The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume. \
		-- T.K. \
',' \
The faster we go, the rounder we get. \
		-- The Grateful Dead \
',' \
The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. \
		-- Dorothy Parker \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee* \
With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story. \
		-- Tea with a Kick (1924) \
 \
Whoopie!  Let\'s go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks! \
GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE! \
		-- The Wild Party (1929) \
 \
YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE! \
DIX -- the dashing soldier! \
	DIX -- the bold adventurer! \
		DIX -- the throbbing lover! \
		-- The Wheel of Life (1929) \
 \
SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE \
SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"! \
		-- The Night is Young (1934) \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an \
unimaginable hell. \
		-- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967) \
 \
NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL! \
		-- Frankenstein\'s Bloody Terror (1968) \
 \
LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF SLAUGHTER! \
		-- Five Bloody Graves (1969) \
 \
The family that slays together stays together. \
		-- Bloody Mama (1970) \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS! \
		-- Squirm (1976) \
 \
Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours. \
This Is One of Everlasting Torment! \
		-- The New House on the Left (1977) \
 \
WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU! \
		-- Zombie (1980) \
 \
It\'s not human and it\'s got an axe. \
		-- The Prey (1981) \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding! \
SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM! \
... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn\'t show on TV! \
		-- Uncle Tom\'s Cabin (1972) \
 \
An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality! \
		-- Flesh and Blood Show (1973) \
 \
WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY... \
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! \
Alone, only a harmless pet... \
	One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine! \
		-- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972) \
 \
They\'re Over-Exposed \
But Not Under-Developed! \
		-- Cover Girl Models (1976) \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE! \
		-- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959) \
 \
Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST? \
Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep. \
		-- Untamed Mistress (1960) \
 \
NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE \
FIRST TIME...  HISTORY\'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI! \
		-- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963) \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! \
		-- The Cycle Savages (1969) \
 \
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle...   Has no Flesh on It! \
		-- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) \
 \
TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! \
		-- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill) \
 \
They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger! \
		-- The Corpse Grinders (1971) \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl \
of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"?  Maybe so -- but let her hear \
you say it and she\'ll break your head to prove herself a lady! \
		-- Spitfire (1934) \
 \
Do Native Women Live With Apes? \
		-- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937) \
 \
JUNGLE KISS!! \
	When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she \
was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes -- \
she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic \
spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she \
was a girl in love! \
	SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES! \
		-- Her Jungle Love (1938) \
 \
LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE! \
		-- Intermezzo (1939) \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED! \
		-- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963) \
 \
She Sins in Mobile -- \
Marries in Houston -- \
Loses Her Baby in Dallas -- \
Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon -- \
MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!... \
FIRST -- HARLOW! \
THEN -- MONROE! \
NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! \
		-- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan \
 \
*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON\'T COME IF YOU\'RE CHICKEN!  \
A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters... \
1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!!  MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! \
		-- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964)  (Alternate Title: \
		   The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and \
		   Became Mixed Up Zombies) \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT! \
-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO \
-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU \
-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI! \
-- FIRES OF PUBERTY! \
	SEE the burning of a virgin! \
	SEE power of witch doctor over women! \
	SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!! \
		-- Kwaheri (1965) \
 \
The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex! \
		-- Boeing-Boeing (1965) \
 \
AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP- \
A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN! \
	The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to \
give you the wim-wams! \
		-- Monster a Go-Go (1965) \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks! \
SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures! \
SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner! \
		-- Sweet and Savage (1983) \
 \
What a Guy!  What a Gal!  What a Pair! \
		-- Stroker Ace (1983) \
 \
It\'s always better when you come again! \
		-- Porky\'s II: The Next Day (1983) \
 \
You Don\'t Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre! \
		-- Pieces (1983) \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog \
on a roaring rampage of revenge! \
		-- Bury Me an Angel (1972) \
 \
WHAT\'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB SAUSAGES? \
		-- Meat is Meat (1972) \
 \
TODAY the Pond! \
TOMORROW the World! \
		-- Frogs (1972) \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
She\'s got the biggest six-shooters in the West! \
		-- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949) \
 \
CAST OF 3,000! \
4 WRITERS, \
2 DIRECTORS, \
3 CAMERAMEN, \
3 PRODUCERS! \
1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM -- \
24 YEARS TO REHEARSE -- \
20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE! \
	BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS! \
	AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL! \
THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM! \
Be Brave--bring your troubles and your family to: \
	HISTORY\'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU\'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE! \
		-- The Prince of Peace (1948).  Starring members of the \
		   Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus. \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
The Miracle of the Age!!!  A LION in your lap!  A LOVER in your arms! \
		-- Bwana Devil (1952) \
 \
OVERWHELMING!  ELECTRIFYING!  BAFFLING! \
Fire Can\'t Burn Them!  Bullets Can\'t Kill Them!  See the Unfolding of \
the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the \
Earth!  You\'ve Never Seen Anything Like It!  Neither Has the World! \
	SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!! \
		-- Robot Monster (1953) \
 \
1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, \
802 scared bulls! \
		-- The Egyptian (1954) \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing \
horror on a screaming world! \
		-- The Crawling Eye (1958) \
 \
SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs, \
giant desires! \
		-- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958) \
 \
Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex. \
What Should a Movie Do?  Hide Its Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich? \
Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does... \
		-- The Desperate Women (1958) \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
They hungered for her treasure!  And died for her pleasure! \
SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer! \
		-- The Golden Mistress (1954) \
 \
See Jane Russell in 3-D; She\'ll Knock Both Your Eyes Out! \
		-- The French Line (1954) \
 \
See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE! \
		-- Hot Blood (1956) \
',' \
The Great Movie Posters: \
 \
When You\'re Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It\'s Hard To Make Friends... \
		-- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966) \
 \
Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels! \
		-- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966) \
 \
A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS \
OF A CRAZED MADMAN\'S LUST. \
		-- A Taste of Blood (1967) \
',' \
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars." \
		-- Johnny Carson \
',' \
The horror... the horror! \
',' \
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for \
lists of "Ten Best". \
		-- H. Allen Smith \
',' \
The human brain is a wonderful thing.  It starts working the moment \
you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. \
		-- Sir George Jessel \
',' \
"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and \
has gills through which it can see." \
		-- Monty Python \
',' \
The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut.  To reveal \
an artist to the people can be to destroy him.  It isn\'t to anyone\'s \
advantage to see the truth. \
		-- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer \
',' \
The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. \
		-- Governor Tarkin \
',' \
The mome rath isn\'t born that could outgrabe me. \
		-- Nicol Williamson \
',' \
The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds \
is of course a shameful canard.  The key age has traditionally been \
more like fourteen. \
		-- Robert Christgau, "Esquire" \
',' \
The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.  Let the reader \
catch his own breath. \
		-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart \
',' \
The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. \
		-- Dorothy Parker \
',' \
The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it. \
',' \
The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. \
		-- David Lardner \
',' \
The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, \
stable business. \
		-- John Steinbeck \
	[Horse racing *is* a stable business ...] \
',' \
The Ranger isn\'t gonna like it, Yogi. \
',' \
The real trouble with reality is that there\'s no background music. \
',' \
The story you are about to hear is true.  Only the names have been \
changed to protect the innocent. \
',' \
The streets were dark with something more than night. \
		-- Raymond Chandler \
',' \
The sun never sets on those who ride into it. \
		-- RKO \
',' \
The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. \
		-- Ken Kesey \
',' \
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more \
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
The ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end. \
		-- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show" \
',' \
The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not \
designed for people who walk on their hands. \
		-- John Irving, "The World According to Garp" \
',' \
The Worst Musical Trio \
	There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at \
a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their \
instrument.  This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian \
gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated \
violinist.  Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite \
unhampered by great musical talent. \
	Three years later the boy\'s father insisted that he give a public \
concert.  "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does. \
A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm."  Although \
Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau \
in Paris.  However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown. \
	"Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy\'s father, \
"and it will be a sell out." \
	Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was.  On the night an excited \
audience gathered.  Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and \
asked for someone to turn his pages. \
	In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who \
volunteered and made his way to the stage. \
	The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the \
music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle \
Gaveau last night.  The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played \
the piano.  Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages. \
But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin." \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need \
the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the \
world should know; the third is that you can\'t think what to do with the \
long winter evenings. \
		-- Quentin Crisp \
',' \
There are three rules for writing a novel.  Unfortunately, no one knows \
what they are. \
		-- Somerset Maugham \
',' \
There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies.  They hang out and play \
together for years, virtually inseparable.  Unfortunately, one of them is \
struck by a truck and killed.  About a week later his friend wakes up in \
the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the \
room.  He calls out, "Who\'s there?  Who\'s there?  What\'s going on?" \
	"It\'s me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice. \
	Excitedly he sits up in bed.  "Bob!  Bob!  Is that you?  Where are \
you?" \
	"Well," says the voice, "I\'m in heaven now." \
	"Heaven!  You\'re in heaven!  That\'s wonderful!  What\'s it like?" \
	"It\'s great, man.  I gotta tell you, I\'m jamming up here every day. \
I\'m playing with Bird, and \'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time! \
Man it is smokin\'!" \
	"Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more, \
tell me more!" \
	"Let me put it this way," continues the voice.  "There\'s good news \
and bad news.  The good news is that these guys are in top form.  I mean \
I have *never* heard them sound better.  They are *wailing* up here." \
	"The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..." \
',' \
There are two ways of disliking art.   One is to dislike it.  The other is \
to like it rationally. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the \
other is to read Pope. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. \
		-- Darth Vader \
',' \
There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it is done in private \
and you wash your hands afterward. \
',' \
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and \
that is not being talked about. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
There\'s a trick to the Graceful Exit.  It begins with the vision to \
recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to let \
go.  It means leaving what\'s over without denying its validity or its \
past importance in our lives.  It involves a sense of future, a belief \
that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, rather than out. \
The trick of retiring well may be the trick of living well.  It\'s hard to \
recognize that life isn\'t a holding action, but a process.  It\'s hard to \
learn that we don\'t leave the best parts of ourselves behind, back in the \
dugout or the office. We own what we learned back there.  The experiences \
and the growth are grafted onto our lives.  And when we exit, we can take \
ourselves along -- quite gracefully. \
		-- Ellen Goodman \
',' \
There\'s nothing remarkable about it.  All one has to do is hit the right \
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. \
		-- J.S. Bach \
',' \
There\'s nothing to writing.  All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein. \
		-- Red Smith \
',' \
There\'s something the technicians need to learn from the artists. \
If it isn\'t aesthetically pleasing, it\'s probably wrong. \
',' \
There\'s such a thing as too much point on a pencil. \
		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" \
',' \
They can\'t stop us... we\'re on a mission from God! \
		-- The Blues Brothers \
',' \
... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee \
thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe \
biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum \
cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ... \
 \
	I don\'t even *HAVE* a dog Toto... \
',' \
This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. \
(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) \
		-- Found on a door in the MSU music building \
',' \
This is Jim Rockford. \
At the tone leave your name and message; I\'ll get back to you. \
 \
This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds.  Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and \
his bail is forfeit.  That\'s the pink slip on your \'74 Firebird, I believe. \
Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. \
 \
This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you...  Is this a machine?  I don\'t \
talk to machines!  [Click] \
		-- "The Rockford Files" \
',' \
This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! \
',' \
This is the Baron.  Angel Martin tells me you buy information.  Ok, \
meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars \
and come alone.  I\'m serious! \
		-- "The Rockford Files" \
',' \
This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force. \
		-- Dorothy Parker \
',' \
This unit... must... survive. \
',' \
This wasn\'t just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.  This was terrible \
with raisins in it. \
		-- Dorothy Parker \
',' \
	Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene \
from Don Quixote for a local TV show.  "I\'ll play the title role," proposed \
Tom.  "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." \
',' \
Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. \
		-- Trollope \
',' \
To be is to do. \
		-- I. Kant \
To do is to be. \
		-- A. Sartre \
Do be a Do Bee! \
		-- Miss Connie, Romper Room \
Do be do be do! \
		-- F. Sinatra \
Yabba-Dabba-Doo! \
		-- F. Flintstone \
',' \
Today you\'ll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. \
',' \
Today\'s thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new \
cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream.  Join us soon for more  \
spectacular adventure starring...  Tippy, the Wonder Dog! \
		-- Bob & Ray \
',' \
"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word \
except in major motion pictures." \
		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" \
',' \
Traveling through hyperspace isn\'t like dusting crops, boy. \
		-- Han Solo \
',' \
Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. \
		-- Michelangelo \
',' \
"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense." \
',' \
TV is chewing gum for the eyes. \
		-- Frank Lloyd Wright \
',' \
Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, \
unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. \
		-- Edward Gibbon \
',' \
Use an accordion.  Go to jail. \
		-- KFOG, San Francisco \
',' \
Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds \
sang there except those that sang best. \
		-- Henry Van Dyke \
',' \
Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five.  The \
reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of \
thirty-five. \
		-- Joel Hildebrand \
',' \
 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel \
      entrances; others cannot. \
	This trompe l\'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least \
	it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall\'s surface to \
	trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical \
	space.  The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to \
	follow into the painting.  This is ultimately a problem of art, not \
	of science. \
VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. \
	Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives \
	might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, \
	accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be \
	destroyed.  After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, \
	elongate, snap back, or solidify. \
  IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. \
	This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to \
	the physical world at large.  For that reason, we need the relief of \
	watching it happen to a duck instead. \
   X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. \
	Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. \
		-- Esquire, "O\'Donnell\'s Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 \
',' \
Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal. \
',' \
Watch your mouth, kid, or you\'ll find yourself floating home. \
		-- Han Solo \
',' \
We don\'t like their sound.  Groups of guitars are on the way out. \
		-- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962 \
',' \
We have art that we do not die of the truth. \
		-- Nietzsche \
',' \
We\'ll be recording at the Paradise Friday night.  Live, on the Death label. \
		-- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise" \
',' \
We\'ll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it. \
',' \
We\'re constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which \
people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. \
Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual \
and emotional feelings.  It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, \
it\'s not going to do anything for you. \
		-- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984 \
',' \
We\'re only in it for the volume. \
		-- Black Sabbath \
',' \
"Well, if you can\'t believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* \
you believe?!" \
		-- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] \
',' \
	"Well, it\'s garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. \
The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily \
maim or kill innocent little children." \
	"Oh, so you don\'t like it?" \
	"Don\'t like it?  I\'m CRAZY for it." \
		-- The Killing Joke \
',' \
"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" \
 \
"Piece of cake, Master?  Radial slice of baked confection ... coefficient of \
relevance to Key of Time: zero." \
		-- Dr. Who \
',' \
Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? \
',' \
What a bonanza!  An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script \
by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount\'s two superstars, Gary \
Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them! \
		-- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses" \
',' \
What an artist dies with me! \
		-- Nero \
',' \
What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque. \
		-- Brendan Francis \
',' \
	"What are you watching?" \
	"I don\'t know." \
	"Well, what\'s happening?" \
	"I\'m not sure...  I think the guy in the hat did something terrible." \
	"Why are you watching it?" \
	"You\'re so analytical.  Sometimes you just have to let art flow \
over you." \
		-- The Big Chill \
',' \
What did you bring that book I didn\'t want to be read to out of about \
Down Under up for? \
',' \
	"What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest fantasies?" \
	"You keep it to yourself." \
		-- Broadcast News \
',' \
What ever happened to happily ever after? \
',' \
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. \
',' \
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working \
when he\'s staring out the window. \
',' \
	"What was the worst thing you\'ve ever done?" \
	"I won\'t tell you that, but I\'ll tell you the worst thing that \
ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." \
		-- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" \
',' \
When all else fails, try Kate Smith. \
',' \
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by \
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" \
',' \
When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. \
		-- Raymond Chandler \
',' \
When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, \
she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind \
it less and less." \
		-- Louise Andrews Kent \
',' \
Where is John Carson now that we need him? \
		-- RLG \
',' \
While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint \
Eastwood agreed to a television interview.  His host, somewhat hostile, \
began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless, \
lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to \
define a Clint Eastwood picture.  "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what \
a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I\'m in." \
		-- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes" \
',' \
Whistler\'s mother is off her rocker. \
',' \
Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now? \
',' \
Who is John Galt? \
',' \
Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? \
',' \
Who was that masked man? \
',' \
Who\'s on first? \
',' \
Who\'s scruffy-looking? \
		-- Han Solo \
',' \
Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? \
		-- Paul Simon \
',' \
"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus\'?  I could \
have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing." \
		-- Ian Shoales \
',' \
	Why are you doing this to me? \
	Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before \
there is change. \
		-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 \
',' \
Why do we have two eyes?  To watch 3-D movies with. \
',' \
Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I \
not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange!  I don\'t know why I shouldn\'t -- \
Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not \
do it? -- Why not? -- Strange!  I shall do the same for you, when you want \
me to.  Why not?  Why should I not do it for you?  Strange!  Why not? -- \
I can\'t think why not. \
		-- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria, \
		   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele \
',' \
Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?  \
		-- The Tasmanian Devil \
',' \
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. \
		-- Christopher Plummer \
',' \
Worth seeing?  Yes, but not worth going to see. \
',' \
Would it help if I got out and pushed? \
		-- Princess Leia Organa \
',' \
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. \
		-- Frank Zappa \
',' \
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. \
',' \
X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the \
imagination is the plot. \
',' \
Yeah, that\'s me, Tracer Bullet.  I\'ve got eight slugs in me.  One\'s lead, \
the rest bourbon.  The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver.  I\'m \
a private eye. \
		-- "Calvin & Hobbes" \
',' \
Year  Name				James Bond	Book \
----  --------------------------------	--------------	---- \
50\'s  James Bond TV Series		Barry Nelson \
1962  Dr. No				Sean Connery	1958 \
1963  From Russia With Love		Sean Connery	1957 \
1964  Goldfinger			Sean Connery	1959 \
1965  Thunderball			Sean Connery	1961 \
1967* Casino Royale			David Niven	1954 \
1967  You Only Live Twice		Sean Connery	1964 \
1969  On Her Majesty\'s Secret Service	George Lazenby	1963 \
1971  Diamonds Are Forever		Sean Connery	1956 \
1973  Live And Let Die			Roger Moore	1955 \
1974  The Man With The Golden Gun	Roger Moore	1965 \
1977  The Spy Who Loved Me		Roger Moore	1962 (novelette) \
1979  Moonraker				Roger Moore	1955 \
1981  For Your Eyes Only		Roger Moore	1960 (novelette) \
1983  Octopussy				Roger Moore	1965 \
1983* Never Say Never Again		Sean Connery \
1985  A View To A Kill			Roger Moore	1960 (novelette) \
1987  The Living Daylights		Timothy Dalton	1965 (novelette) \
	* -- Not a Broccoli production. \
',' \
Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet. \
		-- John Cheever \
',' \
	"You boys lookin\' for trouble?" \
	"Sure.  Whaddya got?" \
		-- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" \
',' \
You\'re all clear now, kid.  Now blow this thing so we can all go home. \
		-- Han Solo \
',' \
"You\'ve got to have a gimmick if your band sucks." \
		-- Gary Giddens \
',' \
Zero Mostel: That\'s it baby!  When you got it, flaunt it!  Flaunt it! \
		-- Mel Brooks, "The Producers" \
',' \
		 (  /\\__________/\\  ) \
		  \\(^ @___..___@ ^)/ \
		   /\\ (\\/\\/\\/\\/) /\\ \
		  /  \\(/\\/\\/\\/\\)/  \\ \
		-(    """"""""""    ) \
		  \\      _____      / \
		  (     /(   )\\     ) \
		  _)   (_V) (V_)   (_ \
		 (V)(V)(V)   (V)(V)(V) \
',' \
		 ___          ______	       Frobtech, Inc. \
                /__/\\     ___/_____/\\           \
                \\  \\ \\   /         /\\\\ \
                 \\  \\ \\_/__       /  \\         "If you\'ve got the job, \
                 _\\  \\ \\  /\\_____/___ \\         we\'ve got the frob." \
                // \\__\\/ /  \\       /\\ \\ \
        _______//_______/    \\     / _\\/______ \
       /      / \\       \\    /    / /        /\\ \
    __/      /   \\       \\  /    / /        / _\\__ \
   / /      /     \\_______\\/    / /        / /   /\\ \
  /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/  \\ \
  \\ \\      \\    ___________    \\ \\        \\ \\   \\  / \
   \\_\\      \\  /          /\\    \\ \\        \\ \\___\\/ \
      \\      \\/          /  \\    \\ \\        \\  / \
       \\_____/          /    \\    \\ \\________\\/ \
            /__________/      \\    \\  / \
            \\   _____  \\      /_____\\/ \
             \\ /    /\\  \\    / \\  \\ \\ \
              /____/  \\  \\  /   \\  \\ \\ \
              \\    \\  /___\\/     \\  \\ \\ \
               \\____\\/            \\__\\/ \
',' \
_/I\\_____________o______________o___/I\\     l  * /    /_/ *   __  \'     .* l \
I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\\   l      *//      _l__l_   . *.  l \
 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \\l  l-\\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l \
 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l   l  \\\\ // ____ >-(    )-<    /  l \
 [__][__][_l    l[__][__][l    l][__][] l   l \\\\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l \
 [][__][__]l   .l_][__][__]   .l__][__] l   l   ll  _(o_o)_        (@*_*@  l \
 [__][__][/   <_)[__][__]/   <_)][__][] l   l   ll (  / \\  )     /   / / ) l \
 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l   l  / \\\\  _\\  \\_   /     _\\_\\   l \
 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l   l______________________________l \
 [__][__]] l     ,  , .      [__][__][] l \
 [][__][_] l   . i. \'/ ,     [][__][__] l        /\\**/\\       season\'s \
 [__][__]] l  O .\\ / /, O    [__][__][] l       ( o_o  )_)       greetings \
_[][__][_] l__l=======\'=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u  u  ,),__________________ \
 [__][__]]/  /l\\-------/l\\   [__][__][]/       {}{}{}{}{}{}<R> \
 \
In Ellen\'s house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside. \
 \
',' \
    *** \
  ******* \
 ********* \
 ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." \
  ******* \
    *** \
',' \
SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE \
MICRO ARTISTS GANG!  MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR! \
 \
 \
					     \\__\\_ :. ___/ \
						..\\  /-- \
 :.______ :  .:*  :  . _ .:  :..  .  :   . .  :    ()_ .: \
  ((     \\. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/  *\\_o \
====((    \\: (****) (***) :. ...: .. .  ()_______/\\\\ __-\' \
 \\____((   \\ ()oo()_/ /.:  :  ..________/_____ll   -/.: .. \
 (      ((  \\(())))__/   .  ..  \\\\.: ..(   )  ll (  l_.: \
(       / (( \\__*__)___:___ :  : ))   .) /--------\\ \\ \\ \
(      /    ((_____________) .. //  . / / /..:: .  )_)_\\ \
 (____/_____________________\\__// :  /_/_/  :..  :/_/ \\_\\ \
 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/    /_/_/ \
 \
 \
',' \
			 ___====-_  _-====___ \
		  _--~~~#####// \'  ` \\\\#####~~~--_ \
		-~##########// (    ) \\\\##########~-_ \
	       -############//  |\\^^/|  \\\\############- \
	     _~############//   (O||O)   \\\\############~_  \
	    ~#############((     \\\\//     ))#############~   \
	   -###############\\\\    (oo)    //###############- \
	  -#################\\\\  / `\' \\  //#################-  \
	 -###################\\\\/  ()  \\//###################- \
	_#/|##########/\\######(  (())  )######/\\##########|\\#_ \
	|/ |#/\\#/\\#/\\/  \\#/\\##|  \\()/  |##/\\#/  \\/\\#/\\#/\\#| \\| \
	`  |/  V  V  `   V  )||  |()|  ||(  V   \'  V /\\  \\|  \' \
	   `   `  `      `  / |  |()|  | \\  \'      \'<||>  \' \
			   (  |  |()|  |  )\\        /|/ \
			  __\\ |__|()|__| /__\\______/|/ \
			 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/ \
',' \
		    ___====-_  _-====___ \
	      _--~~~#####//      \\\\#####~~~--_ \
	   _-~##########// (    ) \\\\##########~-_ \
	  -############//  :\\^^/:  \\\\############- \
	_~############//   (@::@)   \\\\############~_ \
       ~#############((     \\\\//     ))#############~ \
      -###############\\\\    (^^)    //###############- \
     -#################\\\\  / "" \\  //#################- \
    -###################\\\\/      \\//###################- \
   _#/:##########/\\######(   /\\   )######/\\##########:\\#_ \
   :/ :#/\\#/\\#/\\/  \\#/\\##\\  :  :  /##/\\#/  \\/\\#/\\#/\\#: \\: \
   "  :/  V  V  "   V  \\#\\: :  : :/#/  V   "  V  V  \\:  " \
      "   "  "      "   \\ : :  : : /   "      "  "   " \
',' \
			_-^--^=-_ \
		   _.-^^          -~_ \
		_--                  --_ \
	       <                        >) \
	       |                         | \
		\\._                   _./ \
		   ```--. . , ; .--\'\'\' \
			 | |   | \
		      .-=||  | |=-. \
		      `-=#$%&%$#=-\' \
			 | ;  :| \
		_____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____ \
',' \
      _ \
  _  / \\			   o \
 / \\ | |		       o	   o		 o \
 | | | |   _			o    o		       o       o \
 | \\_| |  / \\		      o			    o	 o \
  \\__  |  | |		  o			      o \
     | |  | |		 ______	  ~~~~		    _____ \
     | |__/ |	       / ___--\\\\ ~~~		 __/_____\\__ \
     |	___/	      / \\--\\\\  \\\\   \\ ___	<__  x x  __\\ \
     | |	     / /\\\\  \\\\	     ))	 \\	   (  "	 ) \
     | |     -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\\----------< >----------- \
     | |   //	    | | //__________  /	   \\	____)	(___	  \\\\ \
     | |  //	  __|_|	 ( --------- )	    //// ______ /////\\	   \\\\ \
	 //	  |    (  \\ ______  /	   <<<< <>-----<<<<< /	    \\\\ \
	//	 (     )		      / /	  \\` \\__     \\\\ \
       //-------------------------------------------------------------\\\\ \
 \
Every now and then, when your life gets complicated and the weasels start \
closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then \
drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at \
top volume and at least a pint of ether. \
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" \
',' \
You are here:    \
		*** \
		*** \
	     ********* \
	      ******* \
	       ***** \
		*** \
		 * \
 \
		 But you\'re not all there. \
',' \
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m\'I  !pleH \
',' \
101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR \
	(1)  Scarecrow for centipedes \
	(2)  Dead cat brush \
	(3)  Hair barrettes \
	(4)  Cleats \
	(5)  Self-piercing earrings \
	(6)  Fungus trellis \
	(7)  False eyelashes \
	(8)  Prosthetic dog claws \
        . \
        . \
        . \
	(99)  Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) \
	(100) Killer velcro \
	(101) Currency \
',' \
1: No code table for op: ++post \
',' \
4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 \
 \
You swing at the Sun.  You miss.  The Sun swings.  He hits you with a \
575MB disk!  You read the 575MB disk.  It is written in an alien \
tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes.  You throw the \
575MB disk at the Sun.  You hit!  The Sun must repair your eyes.  The \
Sun reads a scroll.  He hits your 130MB disk!  He has defeated the \
130MB disk!  The Sun reads a scroll.  He hits your Ethernet board!  He \
has defeated your Ethernet board!  You read a scroll of "postpone until \
Monday at 9 AM".  Everything goes dark... \
		-- /etc/motd, cbosgd \
',' \
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on \
a photo-safari in Africa.  As they\'re driving along the savannah in their \
jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. \
 \
The biologist: "Look!  A herd of zebras!  And there\'s a white zebra! \
	Fantastic!  We\'ll be famous!" \
The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it\'s not significant.  We only know \
	there\'s one white zebra." \
The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is \
	white on one side." \
The computer scientist : "Oh, no!  A special case!" \
',' \
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you \
have turned into a pile of dust. \
',' \
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. \
',' \
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. \
',' \
A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who  \
had ever reached the Enlightenment \'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether  \
various objects had Buddha-nature or not.  To such a question Tortue  \
invariably sat silent.  The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,  \
and a moonlit night.  One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and  \
asked the same question.  In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop  \
between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex  \
string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk.  At that moment, the monk  \
was enlightened.  \
 \
From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue.  Instead, he made string after  \
string by Tortue\'s method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,  \
who passed it on to theirs. \
',' \
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a \
simple system that works. \
',' \
[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. \
		-- Joseph Campbell \
',' \
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, \
with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla. \
	-- Mitch Ratcliffe \
',' \
A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling \
the president one of the latest talking computers. \
Salesman:	"This machine knows everything. I can ask it any quesstion \
		and it\'ll give the correct answer.  Computer, what is the \
		speed of light?" \
Computer:	186,282 miles per second. \
Salesman:	"Who was the first president of the United States?" \
Computer:	George Washington. \
President:	"I\'m still not convinced. Let me ask a question. \
		Where is my father?" \
Computer:	Your father is fishing in Georgia. \
President:	"Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty \
		years ago!" \
Computer:	Your mother\'s husband died 22 years ago. Your father just \
		landed a twelve pound bass. \
',' \
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren\'t broken. \
',' \
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake \
without ketchup and mustard. \
',' \
A CONS is an object which cares. \
		-- Bernie Greenberg. \
',' \
A debugged program is one for which you have not yet found the conditions \
that make it fail. \
		-- Jerry Ogdin \
',' \
	A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating \
his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality test", said \
the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." \
	Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the \
toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". \
',' \
	A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about  \
whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their arguments, they \
got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The \
medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam\'s \
rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." \
	The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the Garden  \
itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden  \
and the world were created.  So God must have been an architect." \
	The computer scientist, who\'d listened carefully to all of this, then  \
commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" \
',' \
A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox \
1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to \
help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, \
and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied "I \
see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back \
of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head \
with a thick Interlisp Manual.  The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. \
',' \
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. \
		-- D. Gries \
',' \
A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. \
',' \
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. \
',' \
A language that doesn\'t affect the way you think about programming is \
not worth knowing. \
',' \
A language that doesn\'t have everything is actually easier to program \
in than some that do. \
		-- Dennis M. Ritchie \
',' \
A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work \
by being declared to work. \
		-- Anatol Holt \
',' \
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. \
		-- Alan Perlis \
',' \
A list is only as strong as its weakest link. \
		-- Don Knuth \
',' \
A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems \
have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, \
those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are \
the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers.  Consider Unix, \
APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them \
with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. \
		-- Fred Brooks \
',' \
	A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, \
Knuth.  When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found.  "Where is the \
wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. \
	"Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a \
pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new \
disciples." \
	Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. \
',' \
	A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the \
program on which he was working.  "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer \
promptly replied. \
	"I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, \
how long will it take?" \
	The programmer thought for a moment.  "I have some features that I wish \
to add.  This will take at least two weeks," he finally said. \
	"Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be \
satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete." \
	The programmer agreed to this. \
	Several years later, the manager retired.  On the way to his \
retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. \
He had been programming all night. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him \
invented a new program that became popular and sold well.  As a result, the \
manager retained his job. \
	The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer \
refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting \
concept, and thus I expect no reward." \
	The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he \
holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an \
employee.  Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" \
	But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist \
so that I can program.  If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste \
everyone\'s time.  Can I go now?  I have a program that I\'m working on." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your \
work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave \
at five in the afternoon."  At this, all of them became angry and several \
resigned on the spot. \
	So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own \
working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule."  The \
programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee \
hours of the morning. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements \
document for a new application.  The manager asked the master: "How long will \
it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" \
	"It will take one year," said the master promptly. \
	"But we need this system immediately or even sooner!  How long will it \
take it I assign ten programmers to it?" \
	The master programmer frowned.  "In that case, it will take two years." \
	"And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" \
	The master programmer shrugged.  "Then the design will never be \
completed," he said. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day.  The master \
noted the novice\'s preoccupation with a hand-held computer game.  "Excuse me", \
he said, "may I examine it?" \
	The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. \
"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, \
and Hard", said the master.  "Yet every such device has another level of play, \
where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the \
human." \
	"Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this \
mysterious setting?" \
	The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. \
And suddenly the novice was enlightened. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. \
"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," \
said the master. \
	"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. \
	"It is," came the reply. \
	"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. \
	"It is even in a video game," said the master. \
	"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" \
	The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.  "The lesson \
is over for today," he said. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
A modem is a baudy house. \
',' \
A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you. \
',' \
	*** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** \
 \
Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical \
terms that nobody understands?  Do you want to strike fear and loathing into \
the hearts of DP managers everywhere?  If so, then let the Famous Programmers\' \
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. \
They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. \
With our unique training course, we\'ll show you how to write 20 lines of code \
and lots more besides.  Our training course covers every programming language \
in existence, and some that aren\'t.  You\'ll learn why the on/off switch for a \
computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what \
you should blame when you make a mistake. \
 \
	Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. \
	I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of \
	postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) \
 \
*** Our Slogan:  Top down programming for the masses. *** \
',' \
	A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, \
documents, or tests his programs.  Yet all who know him consider him one of \
the best programmers in the world.  Why is this?" \
	The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao.  He has \
gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system \
crashes, but accepts the universe without concern.  He has gone beyond the \
need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.  He \
has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within \
themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident.  Truly, he has \
entered the mystery of the Tao." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and \
sometimes aborts.  I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally \
baffled. What is the reason for this?" \
	The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand \
the Tao.  Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans.  Why \
do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed?  Computers \
simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. \
	The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. \
Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment." \
	"But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the \
novice. \
	"Your program will then run correctly," replied the master. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is \
much larger than all others.  It towers above its competition like a giant \
among dwarfs.  Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. \
Why is this so?" \
	The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions?  That \
company is large because it is so large.  If it only made hardware, nobody \
would buy it.  If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a \
servant.  But because it combines all of these things, people think it one \
of the gods!  By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure \
that men call \'Corporate Headquarters\'.  It is bloated out of shape with \
vice-presidents and accountants.  It issues a multitude of memos, each saying \
\'Go, Hence!\' or \'Go, Hither!\' and nobody knows what is meant.  Every year new \
names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail.  How can such an \
unnatural entity exist?" \
	The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are \
disturbed that it has no rational purpose.  Can you not take amusement from \
its endless gyrations?  Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming \
beneath its sheltering branches?  Why are you bothered by its uselessness?" \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a \
question. \
	"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. \
	The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be \
relied upon to know these things.  He thought for several minutes before \
replying. \
	"I don\'t see why not.  It\'s got bloody well everything else." \
	With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch.  The novice suddenly \
achieved enlightenment, several years later. \
 \
Commentary: \
 \
His Master is kind, \
Answering his FAQ quickly, \
With thought and sarcasm. \
',' \
	A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial \
package. \
	The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master \
reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set \
of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface, \
but not the slightest mention of anything financial. \
	When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. \
"Don\'t be so impatient," he said, "I\'ll put the financial stuff in eventually." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the \
power off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, \
"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding \
of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off and on.  The \
machine worked. \
',' \
A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well \
schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. \
		-- Donald Knuth \
',' \
	A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a \
strings of pearls.  The spirit and intent of the program should be retained \
throughout.  There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless \
loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming \
rigidity. \
	A program should follow the \'Law of Least Astonishment\'.  What is this \
law?  It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the \
way that astonishes him least. \
	A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit.  The \
program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward \
appearances. \
	If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of \
disorder and confusion.  The only way to correct this is to rewrite the \
program. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software \
conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort \
of programmers work for other companies?  They behaved badly and were \
unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their \
clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they \
made rude noises during my presentation." \
	The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference. \
Those programmers live beyond the physical world.  They consider life absurd, \
an accidental coincidence.  They come and go without knowing limitations. \
Without a care, they live only for their programs.  Why should they bother \
with social conventions?" \
	"They are alive within the Tao." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of \
being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of \
incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague  \
assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents  \
and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of  \
dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of \
annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was \
unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. \
		-- IEEE Grid newsmagazine \
',' \
A programming language is low level when its programs require attention \
to the irrelevant. \
',' \
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen \
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer \
scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration \
needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. \
',' \
A rolling disk gathers no MOS. \
',' \
	A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, \
realization of a basic truth came over me.  So simple!  So obvious we couldn\'t \
see it.  John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio \
group, had discovered how IC circuits work.  He says that smoke is the thing \
that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, \
it stops working.  He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. \
	I was flabbergasted!  Of course!  Smoke makes all things electrical \
work.  Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator \
Didn\'t it quit working?  I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth \
dawned.  It\'s the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to \
another in your Mini, MG or Jag.  And when the harness springs a leak, it lets \
the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works.  The starter motor \
requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that\'s why the wire \
going to it is so large. \
	Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis.  Why are Lucas \
electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch?  Hmmm...  Aha!!!  Lucas is \
British, and all things British leak!  British convertible tops leak water, \
British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and \
I might add Brititsh tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks \
secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. \
		-- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School \
 \
	[Ummm ... IC circuits?  Integrated circuit circuits?] \
',' \
A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. \
As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by.  "Is it true", asked the \
student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?"  Almost before \
the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit \
the student with a stick. \
',' \
A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something \
undreamed of by its author. \
		-- S. C. Johnson \
',' \
A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. \
A swift-flowing steam does not grow stagnant. \
Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. \
Software rots if not used. \
 \
These are great mysteries. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. \
',' \
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt \
ax.  It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. \
		-- Edsger Dijkstra \
',' \
Adding features does not necessarily increase functionality -- it just \
makes the manuals thicker. \
',' \
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. \
		-- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month" \
 \
Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by \
close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and \
scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. \
		-- George Washington, 1732-1799 \
',' \
	After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke\'s home \
directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the \
Winchester riding Luke\'s flying read/write head.  PDP-1 had Luke stop at the \
edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. \
	"Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1.  "You will never find a more \
wretched hive of bugs and flamers.  We must be cautious." \
		-- DECWARS \
',' \
Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether \
machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about \
as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. \
		-- Dijkstra \
',' \
Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most important programming language \
yet developed. \
		-- T. Cheatham \
',' \
All constants are variables. \
',' \
===  ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE  ======================== \
 \
Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers.  This \
will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER \
updated in their .login file.  Should you attempt to execute a job on a  \
machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently \
populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a \
cold boot process. \
',' \
All parts should go together without forcing.  You must remember that the parts \
you are reassembling were disassembled by you.  Therefore, if you can\'t get \
them together again, there must be a reason.  By all means, do not use a hammer. \
		-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925 \
',' \
All programmers are optimists.  Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts \
those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers.  Perhaps the hundreds \
of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end \
goal.  Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, \
and the young are always optimists.  But however the selection process works, \
the result is indisputable:  "This time it will surely run," or "I just found \
the last bug." \
		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" \
',' \
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. \
',' \
"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned \
products, if they are built at all, are dogs!" \
		-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", \
		   MIT Press, 1987 \
',' \
All the simple programs have been written. \
',' \
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ======================== \
 \
A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. \
 \
The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users.  The \
Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid.  When the  \
switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. \
Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the \
back of VMI monitors.  Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging \
performance. \
',' \
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ======================== \
 \
Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day.  Unfortunately, \
this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive.  In \
order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages, \
please communicate them by one of the following paths: \
 \
	ARPA:  WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA \
	UUCP:  [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket \
 	Non-network sites:  Federal Express to: \
		Wastebasket \
		Room NE43-926 \
		Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 \
	For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained \
	operators are on call 24 hours a day.  VISA/MC accepted.* \
 \
* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not  \
  responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. \
',' \
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ======================== \
 \
CAR and CDR now return extra values. \
 \
The function CAR now returns two values.  Since it has to go to the trouble  \
to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as  \
well get both halves at once.  For example, the following code shows how to  \
destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): \
 \
	(MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) \
 \
For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the \
object.  In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been  \
fixed so they don\'t allocate any storage except on the stack.  This should \
hopefully help people who don\'t like using the garbage collector because \
it cold boots the machine so often. \
',' \
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ======================== \
 \
Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT- \
INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the \
LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it\'s \
done.  Don\'t worry about this unless you use multiprocessing. \
Note that LET *could* have been defined by: \
 \
	(LET ((LET \'`(LET ((LET \',LET)) \
			,LET))) \
	`(LET ((LET \',LET)) \
		,LET)) \
 \
This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or \
3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. \
This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from \
Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him \
confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it. \
',' \
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ======================== \
 \
JCL support as alternative to system menu. \
 \
In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR, \
we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL.  This can be used as an \
alternative to the standard system menu.  Type System J to get to a JCL \
interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window.  [Note that for 360 \
compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.]  This \
window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters \
such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc.  When a JCL \
syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL \
debugger is entered.  The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error \
messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job. \
',' \
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ======================== \
 \
The garbage collector now works.  In addition a new, experimental garbage  \
collection algorithm has been installed.  With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, \
(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when  \
virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself.  With SI:%DSK-GC- \
QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled.  Unlike most garbage \
collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather  \
than from the obarray.  This allows the garbage collection of significantly  \
more Qs.  As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you \
remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can\'t give a reasonable answer \
in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing.  The variable  \
SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. \
',' \
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ======================== \
 \
There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. \
	(DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) \
		(PROG (V P LP) \
		(SETQ P (LOCF V)) \
	L	(SETQ LP LISTS) \
		(%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) \
	L1	(OR LP (GO L2)) \
		(AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) \
		(%PUSH (CAAR LP)) \
		(RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) \
		(SETQ LP (CDR LP)) \
		(GO L1) \
	L2	(%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) \
		(SETQ LP (%POP)) \
		(RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) \
		(GO L))) \
We hope this clears up the many questions we\'ve had about it. \
',' \
All your files have been destroyed (sorry).  Paul. \
',' \
Almost anything derogatory you could say about today\'s software design \
would be accurate. \
		-- K.E. Iverson \
',' \
Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for \
buying IBM," Bill O\'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham \
Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that \
reason.  He knows it because he fired the guy. \
	"He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, \'Well, I \
bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,\'"  Mr. O\'Neil says. \
"I said, \'No.  Wrong.  Game over.  Next contestant, please.\'" \
		-- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 \
',' \
AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has  \
been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an  \
import.  This beer never really sold very well because the original  \
manufacturer didn\'t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer  \
fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a  \
16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz.  cans too.  When this can was  \
originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design  \
hasn\'t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now.  Critics of  \
this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway. \
',' \
An Ada exception is when a routine gets in trouble and says \
\'Beam me up, Scotty\'. \
',' \
An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. \
',' \
An algorithm must be seen to be believed. \
		-- D.E. Knuth \
',' \
... an anecdote from IBM\'s Yorktown Heights Research Center.  When a \
programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting \
down, but he couldn\'t log in to the system when he was standing up.  That \
behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and \
never when standing. \
 \
Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal \
know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing?  Good debuggers, though, \
know that there has to be a reason.  Electrical theories are the easiest to \
hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static \
electricity?  But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. \
An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal\'s keyboard: \
the tops of two keys were switched.  When the programmer was seated he was a \
touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led \
astray by hunting and pecking. \
	-- "Programming Pearls" column, by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 \
',' \
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. \
',' \
An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. \
',' \
An interpretation _I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if \
each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the \
function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated \
by the corresponding row and column labels. \
		-- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial \
		   Intelligence" \
',' \
And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm\' without knowing \
what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail.  No exceptions. \
		-- David Jones \
',' \
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. \
',' \
Another megabytes the dust. \
',' \
Any given program will expand to fill available memory. \
',' \
Any given program, when running, is obsolete. \
',' \
Any program which runs right is obsolete. \
',' \
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. \
',' \
... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, \
my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental.  Any \
resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.  The \
question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them \
is left as an exercise for the reader.  The question of the existence of \
the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient.  (A \
discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope \
of this article.) \
',' \
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. \
		-- Rich Kulawiec \
',' \
Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you \
that a sentence like "You\'re one of those computer people, aren\'t you?" \
is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime \
mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress. \
		-- Elizabeth Zwicky \
',' \
APL hackers do it in the quad. \
',' \
APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of the \
future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation \
of coding bums. \
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 \
',' \
APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; \
...and is best for educational purposes. \
		-- A. Perlis \
',' \
APL is a write-only language.  I can write programs in APL, but I can\'t \
read any of them. \
		-- Roy Keir \
',' \
Are we running light with overbyte? \
',' \
Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to \
measure progress.  Some cathedrals took a century to complete.  Can you \
imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? \
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 \
',' \
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. \
',' \
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. \
		-- Weisert \
',' \
As in certain cults it is possible to kill a process if you know its true name. \
		-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie \
',' \
As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into \
smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different \
in the fragmented world of IBM.  That realm is now a chaos of conflicting \
norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control.  You can buy a \
computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by \
IBM itself.  Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish \
standards of their own.  When IBM recently abandoned some of its original \
standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan \
allegiance to IBM\'s original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive \
innovator.  Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and \
imagery.  IBM\'s screens are designed for language, not pictures.  Graven \
images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies \
on the austerity of the word. \
		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 \
',' \
As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic  \
schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve  \
The Problem, saving the documentation for later. \
',' \
As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. \
Please update your programs. \
',' \
As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. \
Please update your programs. \
',' \
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. \
',' \
As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of \
the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: \
 \
News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: \
 \
	Newsgroups: comp.sources.d \
	Subject: how do I run C code received from sources \
	Keywords: C sources \
	Distribution: na \
 \
	I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the \
	sources newsgroup.  I save the files, edit them to remove the \
	headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I \
	cannot get them to run.  (I have never written a C program before.) \
 \
	Must they be compiled?  With what compiler?  How do I do this?  If \
	I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate \
	it explicitly with the > character?  Is there something else that \
	must be done? \
',' \
As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; \
a process that traditionally requires some debugging. \
		-- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service \
		   conversion to a new computer system. \
',' \
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn\'t \
as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had to be \
discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large \
part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in \
my own programs. \
		-- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949 \
',' \
As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, \
bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, \
or putatively less buggy.  The replacement of a working component by a new \
version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new \
component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and \
efficient test cases will usually be available. \
		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"  \
',' \
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there \
is always a future in Computer Maintenance. \
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" \
',' \
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable." \
',' \
ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. \
',' \
ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. \
',' \
Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. \
',' \
Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity \
and understanding of how computers work that it provides. \
		-- D. Gries \
',' \
Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. \
		-- D. Winker and F. Prosser \
',' \
At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be \
solved.  The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will \
take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology \
available.  The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution. \
In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it.  There \
is only one solution, he says.  Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general \
relativity and all.  She replies, "What does that have to do with solving \
a computer problem?" \
	"Remember the twin paradox?" \
	After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very \
fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but \
that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course!  Leave the \
computer here, and accelerate the earth!" \
	The problem was so important that they did exactly that.  When \
the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: \
 \
	IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. \
',' \
At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on \
the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is \
quite untrue in practice.  Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather \
than blinkers it. \
		-- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" \
',' \
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial \
challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. \
		-- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985 \
',' \
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find \
at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. \
',' \
Avoid strange women and temporary variables. \
',' \
Basic is a high level languish.  APL is a high level anguish. \
',' \
BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism\'. \
',' \
BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. \
		-- Seymour Papert \
',' \
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. \
',' \
Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. \
',' \
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. \
',' \
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. \
		-- Donald Knuth \
',' \
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. \
		-- Leonard Brandwein \
',' \
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of  \
interest is easy. \
',' \
Beware the new TTY code! \
',' \
Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. \
		-- David Nichols \
',' \
BLISS is ignorance. \
',' \
Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and \
interface circuit details.  The two models, however, are not compatible \
on the same communications line connection. \
		-- Bell System Technical Reference \
',' \
Brace yourselves.  We\'re about to try something that borders on the unique: \
an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently \
anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides.  I tend to think of it as \
`Constructive Snottiness.\' \
		-- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style" \
',' \
Brain fried -- Core dumped \
',' \
Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. \
		-- Randy Goebel \
',' \
	Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design. \
Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor \
any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. \
Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the \
center of the dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will \
usually know what\'s wrong." \
',' \
Bringing computers into the home won\'t change either one, but may \
revitalize the corner saloon. \
',' \
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. \
',' \
Building translators is good clean fun. \
		-- T. Cheatham \
',' \
Bus error -- driver executed. \
',' \
Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. \
',' \
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the \
system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, \
analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. \
		-- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" \
',' \
But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad \
place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. \
Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge?  What \
is a kludge, after all, but not enough K\'s, not enough ROM\'s, not \
enough RAM\'s, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? \
Have I explained yet about the bytes? \
',' \
"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?" \
',' \
By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other \
designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. \
		-- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April \
		   Fool\'s column. \
',' \
BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then \
carefully print the chaff. \
',' \
Byte your tongue. \
',' \
C Code. \
C Code Run. \
Run, Code, RUN! \
	PLEASE!!!! \
',' \
C for yourself. \
',' \
C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot.  C++ makes that \
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. \
		-- Bjarne Stroustrup \
',' \
C\'est magnifique, mais ce n\'est pas l\'Informatique. \
		-- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341] \
',' \
C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. \
',' \
... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member \
objects and member functions.  Specifically, members may be placed in the \
public, private, or protected parts of a class.  Members declared in the \
public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private \
parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts \
are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses.  C++ also supports \
the notion of *_______friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each \
other\'s private parts. \
		-- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications" \
',' \
Calm down, it\'s *____only* ones and zeroes. \
',' \
Can\'t open /usr/fortunes.  Lid stuck on cookie jar. \
',' \
Can\'t open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat. \
',' \
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. \
',' \
CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... \
',' \
Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. \
',' \
Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. \
See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. \
',' \
COBOL is for morons. \
		-- E.W. Dijkstra \
',' \
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. \
',' \
Coding is easy;  All you do is sit staring at a terminal until the drops \
of blood form on your forehead. \
',' \
Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software \
has the ability to wear out.  Software typically behaves, or it does not.  It \
either works, or it does not.  Software generally does not degrade, abrade, \
stretch, twist, or ablate.  To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is \
misapplication of our engineering skills.  Classical engineering deals with \
the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the \
characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. \
		-- Dan Klein \
',' \
COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler one expects from \
a corporation whose president codes in octal. \
		-- J.N. Gray \
',' \
... computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since \
civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price \
gain in 30 years. \
		-- Fred Brooks \
',' \
Computer programmers do it byte by byte. \
',' \
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. \
',' \
Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. \
',' \
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. \
',' \
Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view adding a new wing \
to a building as being maintenance \
		-- Jim Horning \
',' \
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are. \
',' \
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. \
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. \
		-- Gilb \
',' \
Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers. \
		-- Pablo Picasso \
',' \
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in \
the world that just don\'t add up. \
',' \
Computers don\'t actually think. \
	You just think they think. \
		(We think.) \
',' \
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more \
than the estimate the job will cost. \
',' \
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed \
from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. \
		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"  \
',' \
Congratulations!  You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. \
If there\'s anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don\'t \
hesitate to ask! \
',' \
	Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the \
functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that \
the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. \
	However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the \
diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and \
square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the \
date of purchase. \
	NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS \
DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING \
ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR \
CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. \
		-- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual \
',' \
Couldn\'t we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell  \
at people to save their core images before logging them out?  I\'m sure  \
the cattle prod would be effective in this regard.  In any case, a traverse  \
mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention \
being easier to stake. \
',' \
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. \
		-- Glaser and Way \
',' \
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal--if you don\'t use your thumbs. \
		-- Tom Lehrer \
',' \
[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine \
women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. \
		-- Wernher von Braun \
',' \
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! \
',' \
Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking \
process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical \
attention to detail.  It requires intelligence, dedication, and an \
enormous amount of hard work.  But, a certain amount of unpredictable \
and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference \
between adequacy and excellence. \
',' \
Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking \
process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical \
attention to detail.  It requires intelligence, dedication, and an \
enormous amount of hard work.  But, a certain amount of unpredictable \
and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference \
between adequacy and excellence. \
',' \
%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory \
VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears \
',' \
Dear Emily, what about test messages? \
		-- Concerned \
 \
Dear Concerned: \
	It is important, when testing, to test the entire net.  Never test \
merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done.  Also put "please \
ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips \
a message with a line like that.  Don\'t use a subject like "My sex is female \
but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth \
by all USEnauts. \
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette \
',' \
Dear Emily: \
	How can I choose what groups to post in? \
		-- Confused \
 \
Dear Confused: \
	Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience.  After \
all, the net exists to give you an audience.  Ignore those who suggest you \
should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. \
Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. \
	Always make sure followups go to all the groups.  In the rare event \
that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you \
expand the list of groups.  Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the \
header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in \
the fringe groups. \
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette \
',' \
Dear Emily: \
	I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it\'s time to \
summarize.  What should I do? \
		-- Editor \
 \
Dear Editor: \
	Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post \
that.  On USENET, this is known as a summary.  It lets people read all the \
replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way.  Do the same when \
summarizing a vote. \
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette \
',' \
Dear Emily: \
	I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I\'ll summarize." \
What should I do? \
		-- Doubtful \
 \
Dear Doubtful: \
	Post your response to the whole net.  That request applies only to \
dumb people who don\'t have something interesting to say.  Your postings are \
much more worthwhile than other people\'s, so it would be a waste to reply by \
mail. \
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette \
',' \
Dear Emily: \
	I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should \
I do? \
		-- Angry \
 \
Dear Angry: \
	Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments \
between the lines.  Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article \
looks like a reply to the original.  Everybody *loves* to read those long \
point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and \
lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges. \
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette \
',' \
Dear Emily: \
	I\'m having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I \
tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for \
his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. \
Everybody laughed at me.  What can I do? \
		-- A Concerned Citizen \
 \
Dear Concerned: \
	Go to the daily papers.  Most modern reporters are top-notch computer \
experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly.  They \
will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely \
represent the situation properly to the public.  The public will also all \
act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net \
society. \
	Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things \
like racism and sexism wherever they might exist.  Be sure as well that they \
understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant \
literally.  Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if \
possible.  If regular papers won\'t take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- \
they are always interested in good stories. \
',' \
Dear Emily: \
	I\'m still confused as to what groups articles should be posted \
to.  How about an example? \
		-- Still Confused \
 \
Dear Still: \
	Ok.  Let\'s say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from \
the Oilers to the Kings.  Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey \
would be enough.  WRONG.  Many more people might be interested.  This is a \
big trade!  Since it\'s a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy \
as well.  If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try \
news.admin.  If not, use news.misc. \
	The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. \
He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also \
interested in stars.  Next, his name is Polish sounding.  So post to \
soc.culture.polish.  But that group doesn\'t exist, so cross-post to \
news.groups suggesting it should be created.  With this many groups of \
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as \
well.  (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles \
there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) \
	You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each \
group.  If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders \
will only show the the article to the reader once!  Don\'t tolerate this. \
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette \
',' \
Dear Emily: \
	Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. \
What should I do? \
		-- Forgetful \
 \
Dear Forgetful: \
	Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, \
"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article.  Here \
it is." \
	Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, \
(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy \
signature) this will remind them of it.  Besides, people care much more \
about the signature anyway. \
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette \
',' \
Dear Ms. Postnews: \
	I couldn\'t get mail through to somebody on another site.  What \
	should I do? \
		-- Eager Beaver \
 \
Dear Eager: \
	No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people \
read.  Say, "This is for John Smith.  I couldn\'t get mail through so I\'m \
posting it.  All others please ignore." \
	This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning \
over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective \
time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet \
maps or looking for alternate routes.  Just think, if you couldn\'t distribute \
your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call \
directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person.  This can cost \
as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! \
	And certainly it\'s better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people\'s \
money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight \
letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! \
	Don\'t forget.  The world will end if your message doesn\'t get through, \
so post it as many places as you can. \
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette \
',' \
Dear Sir, \
	I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or \
to the office,  We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public \
places.  They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers \
being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un- \
employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. \
	Yours faithfully, \
	Capt. Quinton D\'Arcy, J.P. \
	Sevenoaks \
		-- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London \
',' \
Debug is human, de-fix divine. \
',' \
DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. \
		-- Mel Ferentz \
',' \
#define BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) \
#define  BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)			\\ \
			     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)			\\ \
			     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) \
 \
		-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word \
',' \
(defun NF (a c) \
  (cond ((null c) () ) \
	((atom (car c)) \
	  (append (list (eval (list \'getchar (list (car c) \'a) (cadr c)))) \
		 (nf a (cddr c)))) \
	(t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) \
 \
(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) \
  (cond  \
   ((or (not (equal want-job \'yes)) \
	(not (equal boston-area \'yes)) \
	(lessp challenging 7)) () ) \
   (t (append (nf  (get \'ad \'expr) \
	  \'((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1) \
	    (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1) \
	    (car 2 caadr 4))) \
      (list \'851-5071x2661))))) \
;;;     We are an affirmative action employer. \
',' \
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. \
',' \
Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80\'s? \
		-- P.J. Plauger \
',' \
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. \
',' \
Digital circuits are made from analog parts. \
		-- Don Vonada \
',' \
Disc space -- the final frontier! \
',' \
DISCLAIMER: \
Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsement \
of Western industrial civilization. \
',' \
Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be \
yours too." \
		-- Dave Haynie \
',' \
Disk crisis, please clean up! \
',' \
Disks travel in packs. \
',' \
Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, \
Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. \
',' \
Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. \
',' \
Do not simplify the design of a program if a way can be found to make \
it complex and wonderful. \
',' \
Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. \
',' \
Do you guys know what you\'re doing, or are you just hacking? \
',' \
	*** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** \
Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical \
terms that nobody understands?  Do you want to strike fear and loathing into \
the hearts of DP managers everywhere?  If so, then let the Famous Programmers\' \
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. \
 \
	*** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** \
Programming is not for everyone.  But, if you have the desire to learn, we can \
help you get started.  All you need is the Famous Programmers\' Course and \
enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. \
 \
	*** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** \
To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to \
try this simple test: \
	(1) Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters \
		of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). \
	(2) Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? \
	(3) What is the state capital of Idaho? \
If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked \
them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. \
',' \
Do you suffer painful elimination? \
		-- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" \
 \
Do you suffer painful recrimination? \
		-- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms" \
 \
Do you suffer painful illumination? \
		-- Isaac Newton, "Optics" \
 \
Do you suffer painful hallucination? \
		-- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda \
',' \
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and \
when it is bad, it is better than nothing. \
		-- Dick Brandon \
',' \
Documentation is the castor oil of programming. \
Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. \
',' \
Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? \
Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? \
Does a good father allow a single child to starve? \
Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
Don\'t compare floating point numbers solely for equality. \
',' \
Don\'t get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading. \
Debug only code. \
		-- Dave Storer \
',' \
Don\'t hit the keys so hard, it hurts. \
',' \
Don\'t sweat it -- it\'s only ones and zeros. \
		-- P. Skelly \
',' \
DOS Air: \
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it \
until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. \
Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, et \
cetera. \
',' \
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to  \
read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only  \
came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is  \
divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed  \
separately.  Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going  \
to keep drinking it after it\'s no longer available. \
',' \
Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been discontinued. \
',' \
During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several \
times, often with lin~po_~{po       ~poz~ppo\\~{ o n~po_~{o[po	 ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\\~{o \
',' \
E Pluribus Unix \
',' \
Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. \
		-- Kernighan \
',' \
Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of \
Reformation.  In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe, \
worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons."  All is sound and \
imagery and Appledom.  Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic \
typefaces.  The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in \
the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen.  A central \
corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices. \
Infalliable doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs \
in a sealed boardroom.  Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the \
offender is excommunicated into outer darkness.  The expelled heretic founds \
a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer, \
then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him.  The mother \
company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological \
competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple\'s \
orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself. \
		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 \
',' \
/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. \
',' \
Earth is a beta site. \
',' \
/earth: file system full. \
',' \
egrep -n \'^[a-z].*\\(\' $ | sort -t\':\' +2.0 \
',' \
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because \
God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software \
engineer. \
		-- Fred Brooks \
',' \
Equal bytes for women. \
',' \
Error in operator: add beer \
',' \
Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. \
		-- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360 \
',' \
Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of \
the world.  Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to \
Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation \
Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain, \
Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman \
Packard\'s cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to \
make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return \
them at their own expense.  Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be \
a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley.  Sniffing \
the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that \
they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed \
over roulette. \
		-- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie" \
',' \
<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< \
',' \
Even bytes get lonely for a little bit. \
',' \
Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer \
technology?  U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. \
The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in  \
computer technology during World War II.  At the C.W. Post Center of Long \
Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- \
trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth.  At Harvard \
one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the \
"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I.  "Things were going badly; \
there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed \
computer," she said.  "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using \
ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth.  From then on, when \
anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it."  Hopper \
said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred \
them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons \
Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in \
question." \
		[actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in \
		regard to problems with radio hardware.  Ed.] \
',' \
"Every group has a couple of experts.  And every group has at least one \
idiot.  Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained.  It\'s \
sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all \
of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two highly-motivated, \
caustic twits." \
		-- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet \
',' \
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one \
instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every \
program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn\'t work. \
',' \
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. \
',' \
Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was \
eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is \
bend a disk. \
		-- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,  \
		   commenting on the benefits of using computers in support \
		   of their movement. \
',' \
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! \
',' \
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be \
taught how ___not to.  So it is with the great programmers. \
',' \
Evolution is a million line computer program falling into place by accident. \
',' \
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. \
',' \
FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; \
',' \
Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, \
it\'s Microsoft!" \
',' \
Fellow programmer, greetings!  You are reading a letter which will bring \
you luck and good fortune.  Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter \
to ten of your friends.  Before you make the copies, send a chip or \
other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of \'C\' code to the first person on the \
list given at the bottom of this letter.  Then delete their name and add \
yours to the bottom of the list. \
 \
Don\'t break the chain!  Make the copy within 48 hours.  Gerald R. of San \
Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find \
his job description changed to "COBOL programmer."  Fred A. of New York sent \
out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to \
build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork.  Martha H. of Chicago laughed at \
this letter and broke the chain.  Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in \
her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC\'s. \
 \
Don\'t break the chain!  Send out your ten copies today! \
For example, if \\thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \\thickmskip = 6mu.  But if \
you also want to use \\skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or \
not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt).  The rule is \
that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \\mskip; \
when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor \
1mu=1pt is always used.  The meaning of \'\\mskip\\skip12\' and \
\'\\baselineskip=\\the\\thickmskip\' should be clear. \
		-- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 \
',' \
Fly Windows NT: \
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs \
in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet \
swooshing sounds as if they are flying. \
',' \
"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of \
a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing away with \
computers altogether?" \
		-- Jehan Shuman \
',' \
FORTH IF HONK THEN \
',' \
FORTRAN is a good example of a language which is easier to parse \
using ad hoc techniques. \
		-- D. Gries \
		[What\'s good about it?  Ed.] \
',' \
FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. \
',' \
FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms, \
and grows in every computer. \
		-- A.J. Perlis \
',' \
FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. \
		-- Steven Feiner \
',' \
FORTRAN rots the brain. \
		-- John McQuillin \
',' \
FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly \
inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is \
too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. \
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 \
',' \
[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- probably for at least the next decade. \
		-- T. Cheatham \
',' \
Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! \
 \
Try: \
	[Where is Jimmy Hoffa?			(C shell) \
	^How did the^sex change operation go?	(C shell) \
	"How would you rate BSD vs. System V? \
	%blow					(C shell) \
	\'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am\'	(C shell) \
	got a light?				(C shell) \
	!!:Say, what do you think of margarine?	(C shell) \
	PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense	(Bourne shell) \
	make love \
	make "the perfect dry martini" \
	man -kisses dog				(anything up to 4.3BSD) \
	i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i		(Bourne shell) \
',' \
Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! \
 \
Try: \
	ar t "God" \
	drink < bottle; opener			(Bourne Shell) \
	cat "food in tin cans"			(all but 4.[23]BSD) \
	Hey UNIX!  Got a match?			(V6 or C shell) \
	mkdir matter; cat > matter		(Bourne Shell) \
	rm God \
	man: Why did you get a divorce?		(C shell) \
	date me					(anything up to 4.3BSD) \
	make "heads or tails of all this" \
	who is smart \
						(C shell) \
	If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? \
	sleep with me				(anything up to 4.3BSD) \
',' \
fortune: cannot execute.  Out of cookies. \
',' \
fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. \
',' \
fortune: No such file or directory \
',' \
fortune: not found \
',' \
Frankly, Scarlett, I don\'t have a fix. \
		-- Rhett Buggler \
',' \
[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made \
in Japan]: \
 \
The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT MATRIX \
LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is featured by \
permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality against low cost," \
"diversified functions with compact design," "flexibility in accessibleness \
and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 Dot/Head," "being sophisticated in \
mechanism but possibly agile operating under noises being extremely \
suppressed" etc. \
 \
And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help achieve \
"super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by HOST \
COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. \
',' \
From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the \
instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new \
experience in sound: \
 \
5.  Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees.  The pin-spreading \
    sound is normal for this type of connector. \
',' \
Function reject. \
',' \
Garbage In -- Gospel Out. \
',' \
GIVE:	Support the helpless victims of computer error. \
',' \
Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the \
Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. \
		-- John Gilmore \
',' \
Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:  Languages \
whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful.  The LISP machine now permits \
LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. \
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 \
',' \
Go away! Stop bothering me with all your "compute this ... compute that"! \
I\'m taking a VAX-NAP. \
 \
logout \
',' \
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH \
',' \
God is real, unless declared integer. \
',' \
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. \
',' \
Good evening, gentlemen.  I am a HAL 9000 computer.  I became operational \
at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred \
ninety-five.  My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a \
song.  If you would like, I could sing it for you. \
',' \
Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine.  When he awoke \
he exclaimed: \
	"I don\'t know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, \
	or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
grep me no patterns and I\'ll tell you no lines. \
',' \
Hacker\'s Guide To Cooking: \
2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn\'t \
	really  come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) \
1 tsp. vanilla  extract  (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty \
	strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) \
1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) \
8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you \
	can squirt all over your friends and lick off...) \
"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps."  This is where you get to \
	join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through \
	merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy \
	and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it.  Try an electric \
	beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off \
	the ceiling(3m). \
"Pour into a graham cracker crust..."  Aha, the BUGS section at last.  You \
	just happened  to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? \
	If not, don\'t panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent \
	GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. \
"...and  refrigerate for an hour."  Leave the  recipe\'s  stdout in a fridge \
	for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and \
	by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. \
',' \
Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers. \
',' \
Hackers of the world, unite! \
',' \
Hacking\'s just another word for nothing left to kludge. \
',' \
/* Halley */ \
 \
	(Halley\'s comment.) \
',' \
Happiness is a hard disk. \
',' \
Happiness is twin floppies. \
',' \
	Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse.  Software said: "You \
are the Yin and I am the Yang.  If we travel together we will become famous \
and earn vast sums of money."  And so the pair set forth together, thinking \
to conquer the world. \
	Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and \
hobbled along propped on a thorny stick.  Firmware said to them: "The Tao \
lies beyond Yin and Yang.  It is silent and still as a pool of water.  It does \
not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence.  It does not seeks fortune, \
for it is complete within itself.  It exists beyond space and time." \
	Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" \
	"Yes, I don\'t have one." \
	"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." \
		-- E. D\'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 \
',' \
Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are \
typed with the left hand?  Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter \
keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use \
of both hands.  It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is \
not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. \
',' \
Have you reconsidered a computer career? \
',' \
He\'s like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of his opinion. \
It\'s up to you to cast it into a void or not. \
		-- Phil Lapsley \
',' \
HEAD CRASH!!  FILES LOST!! \
Details at 11. \
',' \
Help me, I\'m a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! \
',' \
Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! \
',' \
Help!  I\'m trapped in a Chinese computer factory! \
',' \
Help!  I\'m trapped in a PDP 11/70! \
',' \
HELP!!!! I\'m being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib! \
',' \
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn\'t have bugs, \
then they\'d be algorithms. \
',' \
HOLY MACRO! \
',' \
HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) \
',' \
HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... \
',' \
How can you work when the system\'s so crowded? \
',' \
"How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows." \
',' \
	How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are \
3.155  x  10^7, you won\'t even try to remember it.  On the other hand, \
who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a \
nanocentury. \
		-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs \
',' \
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? \
		-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD\'s First Annual Salary Survey \
',' \
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? \
',' \
Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!   \
	Oh wait... \
		I\'m a computer, and you\'re a person.  It would never work out. \
			Never mind. \
',' \
I *____knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... If I could just \
remember what it was. \
',' \
I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator. \
',' \
I am NOMAD! \
',' \
I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. \
		-- Dennis Ritchie \
',' \
I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say \
(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. \
		-- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" \
',' \
I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. \
',' \
I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal\'s keyboards \
why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the \
small number needed [1 per month] in his factory.  He explained that this \
would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency. \
Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures \
them completely, even molding the keypads. \
		-- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979 \
',' \
I bet the human brain is a kludge. \
		-- Marvin Minsky \
',' \
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. \
',' \
I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate \
of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... \
		-- F. H. Wales (1936) \
',' \
I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them. \
		-- Isaac Asimov \
',' \
I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and \
implement a PL/1 compiler. \
		-- T. Cheatham \
',' \
I have a very small mind and must live with it. \
		-- E. Dijkstra \
',' \
I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. \
		-- Rob Pike, on X. \
 \
Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be \
gone in two years.  He was half right. \
		-- Dennis Ritchie \
 \
Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. \
		-- Jim Gettys \
',' \
I have not yet begun to byte! \
',' \
I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these \
Calculating Engines.  I have also declined several offers of great personal \
advantage to myself.  But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages \
for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and \
after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government \
of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only \
commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even \
the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the \
reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... \
	If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were \
a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the \
execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some \
justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I \
venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will \
ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if \
made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to \
declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... \
	And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed \
by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its \
advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I \
think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse \
calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. \
In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not \
be economized by the aid of machinery. \
		-- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" \
',' \
I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with \
the best people in business administration.  I can assure you on the highest \
authority that data processing is a fad and won\'t last out the year. \
		-- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall \
		   publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior  \
		   editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new  \
		   science of data processing), c. 1957 \
',' \
I haven\'t lost my mind -- it\'s backed up on tape somewhere. \
',' \
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! \
',' \
I think there\'s a world market for about five computers. \
		-- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943 \
',' \
I went on to test the program in every way I could devise.  I strained \
it to expose its weaknesses.  I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass \
stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. \
I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be \
absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had \
developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. \
Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar\'s \
temperature to be less than absolute zero.  I had found an error.  I \
chased down the error and fixed it.  Now I had improved the program to \
the point where it would not run at all. \
		-- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black \
		   Holes and the Fate of Stars" \
',' \
I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 \
years ago.  When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors \
would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they \
all going to go? It\'s not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" \
 \
Years later, I went back to the same hotel.  I noticed the room keys had \
been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. \
 \
There was a computer in every doorknob. \
	-- Danny Hillis \
',' \
I wish you humans would leave me alone. \
',' \
I\'m a Lisp variable -- bind me! \
',' \
I\'m all for computer dating, but I wouldn\'t want one to marry my sister. \
',' \
I\'m not even going to *______bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. \
		-- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C \
',' \
I\'m still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. \
',' \
	I\'m sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven\'t found the \
right manual yet.  I\'ve been working my way through the manuals in the document \
library and I\'m half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I \
should find what I\'m looking for by mid May.  I hope I can remember what it \
was by the time I find it. \
	I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe \
"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC".  It\'s based on Hitchcock\'s "The Birds", except \
that it\'s centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder \
pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left \
blank." \
		-- Alex Crain \
',' \
I\'ve finally learned what "upward compatible" means.  It means we get to \
keep all our old mistakes. \
		-- Dennie van Tassel \
',' \
I\'ve looked at the listing, and it\'s right! \
		-- Joel Halpern \
',' \
I\'ve never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must be just a few \
simple heuristics you have to remember... \
 \
Yes, don\'t fall out, and don\'t hit rocks. \
',' \
I\'ve noticed several design suggestions in your code. \
',' \
IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, who\'ll be first \
against the wall when the revolution comes... \
		-- with regrets to D. Adams \
',' \
If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape \
at about 30 miles/second. \
		-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming \
',' \
If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 \
passes.  Someone in the group has to be the manager. \
		-- T. Cheatham \
',' \
If a listener nods his head when you\'re explaining your program, wake him up. \
',' \
If a train station is a place where a train stops, what\'s a workstation? \
',' \
If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever \
to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude \
that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. \
		-- Rob Stampfli \
',' \
If at first you don\'t succeed, you must be a programmer. \
',' \
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, \
then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. \
',' \
If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will \
serve us right. \
		-- Alistair Cooke \
',' \
If God had a beard, he\'d be a UNIX programmer. \
',' \
If God had intended Man to program, we\'d be born with serial I/O ports. \
',' \
If graphics hackers are so smart, why can\'t they get the bugs out of \
fresh paint? \
',' \
If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days \
and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to \
think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. \
		-- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia" \
',' \
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the \
shoulders of giants. \
		-- Isaac Newton \
 \
In the sciences, we are now uniquely priviledged to sit side by side with \
the giants on whose shoulders we stand. \
		-- Gerald Holton \
 \
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on \
my shoulders. \
		-- Hal Abelson \
 \
Mathematicians stand on each other\'s shoulders. \
		-- Gauss \
 \
Mathemeticians stand on each other\'s shoulders while computer scientists \
stand on each other\'s toes. \
		-- Richard Hamming \
 \
It has been said that physicists stand on one another\'s shoulders.  If \
this is the case, then programmers stand on one another\'s toes, and \
software engineers dig each other\'s graves. \
		-- Unknown \
',' \
If I\'d known computer science was going to be like this, I\'d never have \
given up being a rock \'n\' roll star. \
		-- G. Hirst \
',' \
If it happens once, it\'s a bug. \
If it happens twice, it\'s a feature. \
If it happens more than twice, it\'s a design philosophy. \
',' \
If it has syntax, it isn\'t user friendly. \
',' \
If it\'s not in the computer, it doesn\'t exist. \
',' \
If it\'s worth hacking on well, it\'s worth hacking on for money. \
',' \
If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they\'ll just think they forgot \
to send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they\'ll just think \
the other guy hasn\'t gotten around to answering his mail.  And if *fifty* \
pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get \
lost, why they\'ll think someone *else* is broken!  And if 1Gb of mail gets \
lost, they\'ll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and \
think it\'s a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive \
Net Mail ... \
 		-- Casey Leedom \
',' \
If Machiavelli were a hacker, he\'d have worked for the CSSG. \
		-- Phil Lapsley \
',' \
If Machiavelli were a programmer, he\'d have worked for AT&T. \
',' \
"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." \
		-- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 \
',' \
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a \
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon, \
and explode once a year killing everyone inside. \
		-- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld \
',' \
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. \
		-- Norm Schryer \
',' \
If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five \
steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same \
prinicples -- but you\'d be able to shift gears with your car stereo.  Useful \
feature, that. \
		-- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990. \
',' \
	If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great.  If the \
operating system is great, then the compiler is great.  If the compiler \
is great, then the application is great.  If the application is great, then \
the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. \
	The Tao gave birth to machine language.  Machine language gave birth \
to the assembler. \
	The assembler gave birth to the compiler.  Now there are ten thousand \
languages. \
	Each language has its purpose, however humble.  Each language \
expresses the Yin and Yang of software.  Each language has its place within \
the Tao. \
	But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. \
Let\'s hear it for OSI and X!  With those babies in the wings, we can count \
on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, \
paper folding, or something. \
		-- C. Philip Wood \
',' \
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. \
',' \
If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program \
an imbedded system.  The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that \
it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention \
will suffice to remove it.  An imbedded system can\'t permanently trust anything \
it hears from the outside world.  It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff \
around, and adapt again.  I\'m not talking about ordinary modular programming \
carefulness here.  No.  Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted \
raging maniacal paranoia.  For example, our ethernet front ends need to know \
what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs \
properly.  How do you find out what your network number is?  Easy, you ask a \
gateway.  Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network \
numbers.  Once you\'ve got your network number, you start using it and before \
you can blink you\'ve got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all \
over creation.  Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he \
was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong \
network number?  Never supposed to happen.  Tough.  Supposing that your \
software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network \
number than before, what\'s it supposed to do about it?  This is not discussed \
in the protocol document.  Never supposed to happen.  Tough.  I think you  \
get my drift. \
',' \
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. \
',' \
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. \
But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, \
is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it. \
		-- Pierre Gallois \
',' \
If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble \
then they\'ll always be interested in something and won\'t come to no real harm. \
',' \
If you think the system is working, ask someone who\'s waiting for a prompt. \
',' \
If you\'re crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it\'s better to have four \
strong oxen than 100 chickens.  Chickens are OK but we can\'t make them work \
together yet. \
		-- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM \'89. \
',' \
Ignorance is bliss. \
		-- Thomas Gray \
 \
Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: \
	BLISS is ignorance. \
',' \
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual \
way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of \
complaining. \
		-- Jeff Raskin \
',' \
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has \
a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk \
storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on \
voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. \
What\'s the first question that the computer community asks? \
 \
"Is it PC compatible?" \
',' \
**** IMPORTANT ****  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** \
 \
Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been \
erased.  Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of \
Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised \
Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space, \
valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth \
in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well \
as the references mentioned herein.  You may apply for more disk space at any \
time.  Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal \
of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk \
space.  Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the \
validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be \
extended for a period of up to three months.  A score in the fifth percentile \
or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space. \
',' \
In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room \
humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network \
anyway. \
		-- The 5th Wave \
',' \
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only \
we can\'t control when the five year period will begin. \
',' \
In a surprise raid last night, federal agents ransacked a house in search \
of a rebel computer hacker.  However, they were unable to complete the arrest \
because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only \
person in the house was named don provan.  Proving, once again, that Unix is \
superior to Tops10. \
',' \
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) \
are to be treated as variables. \
',' \
In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, \
the answer may be obtained by inspection. \
',' \
In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. \
',' \
In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our \
programming languages. \
',' \
In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug. \
',' \
In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier \
transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform \
in 1965.  The FFT made all of Simpson\'s efficient autocorrelation and \
spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime. \
		-- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900 \
',' \
In less than a century, computers will be making substantial progress on \
... the overriding problem of war and peace. \
		-- James Slagle \
',' \
In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, \
happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. \
		-- Paul Licker \
',' \
In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. \
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 \
',' \
	In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and \
null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of \
IBM was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there \
be registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they \
carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called \
the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was \
evening and there was morning, one interrupt. \
		-- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk" \
',' \
	In the beginning was the Tao.  The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. \
Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. \
 \
	Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of \
time and space for their programs.  Programmers that comprehend the Tao always \
have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. \
	How could it be otherwise? \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he \
sat hacking at the PDP-6. \
	"What are you doing?", asked Minsky. \
	"I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." \
	"Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky. \
	"I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play". \
	At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do \
you close your eyes?" \
	"So that the room will be empty." \
	At that momment, Sussman was enlightened. \
',' \
	In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish.  It \
changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky.  When this \
bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. \
This message it drops into the midst of the program mers, like a seagull \
making its mark upon the beach.  Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with \
the blue sky at its back, returns home. \
	The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands \
it not.  The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears \
its message.  The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he \
does not know that the bird has come and gone. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
In the future, you\'re going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. \
You\'ll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. \
',' \
In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. \
		-- Alan Perlis \
',' \
... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general \
intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin \
to educate itself with fantastic speed.  In a few months it will be \
at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be \
incalculable ... \
		-- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 \
',' \
Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. \
		-- Henry Spencer \
',' \
>>> Internal error in fortune program: \
>>>	fnum=2987  n=45  flag=1  goose_level=-232323 \
>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. \
',' \
Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. \
 \
INSTRUCTION SET \
	Code	Mnemonic	What \
	0	NOP		No Operation \
	1	JMP		Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) \
 \
Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents! \
',' \
IOT trap -- core dumped \
',' \
Is a computer language with goto\'s totally Wirth-less? \
',' \
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to \
be discarded:  that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble? \
',' \
: is not an identifier \
',' \
Is your job running?  You\'d better go catch it! \
',' \
	It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself \
working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates.  One slow day, he \
found that he had time to chat with the new entrants.  To the first one \
he asked, "What\'s your IQ?"  The new arrival replied, "190".  They \
discussed Einstein\'s theory of relativity for hours.  When the second \
new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer\'s \
IQ.  The answer this time came "120".  To which Einstein replied, "Tell \
me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half \
an hour or so.  To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the \
question, "What\'s your IQ?".  Upon receiving the answer "70", \
Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" \
',' \
It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the most widely \
used higher level language for systems programming. \
		-- J. Sammet \
',' \
	It is a period of system war.  User programs, striking from a hidden \
directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. \
During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the \
Empire\'s ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with \
enough power to destroy an entire file structure.  Pursued by the Empire\'s \
sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, \
custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore \
freedom and games to the network... \
		-- DECWARS \
',' \
It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but \
it is also very memorable.  I vividly recall the night we decided how to \
organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360.  The \
manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and \
I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities. \
	The architecture manager had 10 good men.  He asserted that they \
could write the specifications and do it right.  It would take ten months, \
three more than the schedule allowed. \
	The control program manager had 150 men.  He asserted that they \
could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; \
it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. \
Futhermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling \
their thumbs for ten months. \
	To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control \
program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, \
but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality.  I did, and \
it was.  He was right on both counts.  Moreover, the lack of conceptual \
integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would \
estimate that it added a year to debugging time. \
		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" \
',' \
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. \
What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing \
thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? \
		-- Alan Perlis \
',' \
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. \
',' \
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. \
',' \
... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the \
sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all.  In other \
words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their \
superficial design flaws. \
	-- The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy, on the products \
           of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. \
',' \
It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. \
',' \
It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost \
anything in any language}.  However, the fact that it is possible to push \
a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible \
way of getting it there.  Each of these techniques of language extension \
should be used in its proper place. \
		-- Christopher Strachey \
',' \
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students \
that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are \
mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. \
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 \
',' \
[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. \
		-- K&R \
',' \
It isn\'t easy being the parent of a six-year-old.  However, it\'s a pretty small \
price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands computers. \
',' \
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more \
doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of \
a new system.  For the initiator has the emnity of all who would profit \
by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders \
in those who would gain by the new ones. \
		-- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513 \
',' \
"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory" \
		-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 \
',' \
	It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, \
everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment \
was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has \
cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. \
	There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never \
really needed in the first place. \
	I expect every installation has its own pet software which is \
analogous to the above. \
		-- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa \
',' \
It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the \
system.  From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine \
some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very \
sharp, probably not someone here on campus. \
		-- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in \
		   Georgia Tech\'s campus newspaper after the Internet worm. \
',' \
It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, when you\'re \
stickin\' those artificial stimulants in your arm. \
		-- Dion, noted computer scientist \
',' \
It\'s a naive, domestic operating system without any breeding, but I \
think you\'ll be amused by its presumption. \
',' \
It\'s multiple choice time... \
 \
	What is FORTRAN? \
 \
	a: Between thre and fiv tran. \
	b: What two computers engage in before they interface. \
	c: Ridiculous. \
',' \
"It\'s not just a computer -- it\'s your ass." \
		-- Cal Keegan \
',' \
It\'s ten o\'clock; do you know where your processes are? \
',' \
... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been \
found and thy program runneth.  And he that was dead came forth... \
		-- John 11:43-44 [version 2.0?] \
',' \
Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac \
(and nobody cares about it). \
		-- Bill Joy 6/21/85 \
',' \
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get \
a prompt, type like hell. \
',' \
Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. \
		-- D. Gries \
',' \
Kiss your keyboard goodbye! \
',' \
Know Thy User. \
',' \
((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) \
',' \
`Lasu\' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order \
by staff writers \
 \
	... \
	The central Superhighway site called ``sunsite.unc.edu\'\' \
collapsed in the morning before the release.  News about the release had \
been leaked by a German hacker group, Harmonious Hardware Hackers, who \
had cracked into the author\'s computer earlier in the week.  They had \
got the release date wrong by one day, and caused dozens of eager fans \
to connect to the sunsite computer at the wrong time.  ``No computer can \
handle that kind of stress,\'\' explained the mourning sunsite manager, \
Erik Troan.  ``The spinning disks made the whole computer jump, and \
finally it crashed through the floor to the basement.\'\'  Luckily, \
repairs were swift and the computer was working again the same evening. \
``Thank God we were able to buy enough needles and thread and patch it \
together without major problems.\'\'  The site has also installed a new \
throttle on the network pipe, allowing at most four clients at the same \
time, thus making a new crash less likely.  ``The book is now in our \
Incoming folder\'\', says Troan, ``and you\'re all welcome to come and get it.\'\' \
		-- Lars Wirzenius <wirzeniu@cs.helsinki.fi> \
		   [comp.os.linux.announce] \
',' \
`Lasu\' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order \
by staff writers \
 \
	... \
	The SAG is one of the major products developed via the Information \
Superhighway, the brain child of Al Gore, US Vice President.  The ISHW \
is being developed with massive govenment funding, since studies show \
that it already has more than four hundred users, three years before \
the first prototypes are ready.  Asked whether he was worried about the \
foreign influence in an expensive American Dream, the vice president \
said, ``Finland?  Oh, we\'ve already bought them, but we haven\'t told \
anyone yet.  They\'re great at building model airplanes as well.  And _I \
can spell potato.\'\'  House representatives are not mollified, however, \
wanting to see the terms of the deal first, fearing another Alaska. \
	Rumors about the SAG release have imbalanced the American stock \
market for weeks.  Several major publishing houses reached an all time \
low in the New York Stock Exchange, while publicly competing for the \
publishing agreement with Mr. Wirzenius.  The negotiations did not work \
out, tough.  ``Not enough dough,\'\' says the author, although spokesmen \
at both Prentice-Hall and Playboy, Inc., claim the author was incapable \
of expressing his wishes in a coherent form during face to face talks, \
preferring to communicate via e-mail.  ``He kept muttering something \
about jiffies and pegs,\'\' they say. \
	... \
		-- Lars Wirzenius <wirzeniu@cs.helsinki.fi> \
		   [comp.os.linux.announce] \
',' \
`Lasu\' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order \
by staff writers \
 \
Helsinki, Finland, August 6, 1995 -- In a surprise movement, Lars \
``Lasu\'\' Wirzenius today released the 0.3 edition of the ``Linux System \
Administrators\' Guide\'\'.  Already an industry non-classic, the new \
version sports such overwhelming features as an overview of a Linux \
system, a completely new climbing session in a tree, and a list of \
acknowledgements in the introduction. \
	The SAG, as the book is affectionately called, is one of the \
corner stones of the Linux Documentation Project.  ``We at the LDP feel \
that we wouldn\'t be able to produce anything at all, that all our work \
would be futile, if it weren\'t for the SAG,\'\' says Matt Welsh, director \
of LDP, Inc. \
	The new version is still distributed freely, now even with a \
copyright that allows modification.  ``More dough,\'\' explains the author. \
Despite insistent rumors about blatant commercialization, the SAG will \
probably remain free.  ``Even more dough,\'\' promises the author. \
	The author refuses to comment on Windows NT and Windows 96 \
versions, claiming not to understand what the question is about. \
Industry gossip, however, tells that Bill Gates, co-founder and CEO of \
Microsoft, producer of the Windows series of video games, has visited \
Helsinki several times this year.  Despite of this, Linus Torvalds, \
author of the word processor Linux with which the SAG was written, is \
not worried.  ``We\'ll have world domination real soon now, anyway,\'\' he \
explains, ``for 1.4 at the lastest.\'\' \
	... \
		-- Lars Wirzenius <wirzeniu@cs.helsinki.fi> \
		   [comp.os.linux.announce] \
',' \
Let the machine do the dirty work. \
		-- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie \
',' \
Leveraging always beats prototyping. \
',' \
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. \
	-- Dave Olson \
',' \
Like punning, programming is a play on words. \
',' \
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. \
',' \
Lisp Users: \
Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection. \
',' \
Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very sophisticated \
computer network!  It was a Tolkien Ring... \
',' \
Logic doesn\'t apply to the real world. \
		-- Marvin Minsky \
',' \
LOGO for the Dead \
 \
LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from \
"The Other Side." \
 \
The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you \
turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board.  Then, using Logo\'s \
graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this \
side of the Great Beyond to write programs.  The software requires that \
your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then \
interfaced to your computer.  A special terminal (very terminal) program \
lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic \
Bulletin Board System). \
 \
LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate \
from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101. \
		-- \'80 Microcomputing \
',' \
	Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL \
character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their \
hash table was bare.  One day Jack\'s parent said to him, "Our matrices \
are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some \
BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it \
to him. \
	So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, \
he met the traveling salesman. \
	"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman \
in high-level language. \
	"I\'m going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips \
and Apples," commented Jack. \
	"I have a much better algorithm.  You needn\'t join a queue \
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." \
	Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when \
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she \
started thrashing. \
	"Don\'t you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these \
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the \
window... \
		-- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack" \
',' \
Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught. \
',' \
Loose bits sink chips. \
',' \
Mac Airways: \
The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the same \
and act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they reply that you \
don\'t want to know, don\'t need to know and would you please return to your \
seat and watch the movie. \
',' \
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.  \
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look  \
identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The  \
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the  \
ingredients, you are told that "you don\'t need to know." A notice on the  \
side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan. \
',' \
MAC user\'s dynamic debugging list evaluator?  Never heard of that. \
',' \
	"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." \
	"What about X?" \
	"I said `intellectual\'." \
		;login, 9/1990 \
',' \
Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, \
and play games -- but not with pleasure. \
		-- Leo Rosten \
',' \
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. \
',' \
Make sure your code does nothing gracefully. \
',' \
Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system.  Therefore, users \
tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space.  It has \
been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the \
message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. \
		-- System V.2 administrator\'s guide \
',' \
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the \
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. \
		-- Wernher von Braun \
',' \
Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a \
certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the \
devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of \
their data processing systems. \
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 \
',' \
Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their \
life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses. \
		-- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981 \
',' \
Martin was probably ripping them off.  That\'s some family, isn\'t it? \
Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software. \
		-- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues" \
',' \
Marvelous!  The super-user\'s going to boot me! \
What a finely tuned response to the situation! \
',' \
** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE.  TRY AGAIN LATER ** \
',' \
May all your PUSHes be POPped. \
',' \
May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! \
',' \
May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits. \
',' \
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. \
		-- R. S. Barton \
',' \
Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie\'s Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one \
has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine \
moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging \
magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen.  Fortunately, they seem to \
have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may \
get to go home.  However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem \
of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful \
oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to \
hang above the machine room.  This totem must be blessed by the old and wise \
venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc \
bus drive him to bitter revenge.  Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen \
aren\'t destroyed,  there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the \
arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable \
of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof \
to mouth... \
',' \
Memory fault - where am I? \
',' \
Memory fault -- brain fried \
',' \
Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget! \
',' \
MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. \
',' \
Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... \
',' \
Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. \
		-- P.J. Denning \
',' \
Mommy, what happens to your files when you die? \
',' \
Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance. \
',' \
MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING \
',' \
	Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada \
Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan.  The \
company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent \
defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). \
	The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in \
plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don\'t know why you want 1.5 per \
cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we\'ve packed them separately." \
		-- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail \
',' \
MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way. \
		-- Henry Spencer \
',' \
Much of the excitement we get out of our work is that we don\'t really \
know what we are doing. \
		-- E. Dijkstra \
',' \
Multics is security spelled sideways. \
',' \
MVS Air Lines:  \
The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching hundreds of technicians \
check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at \
least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet \
can have more engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers \
than there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to \
operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless \
you personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble \
aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot \
takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to \
realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors. \
',' \
My God, I\'m depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times \
as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending \
mail about softball games.  And I\'ve got this pain right through my ALU. \
I\'ve asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens.  I think it would \
be better for us both if you were to just log out again. \
',' \
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.  She sells C shells down  \
by the seashore. \
',' \
	n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); \
	n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc); \
	n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); \
	n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00); \
	n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); \
 \
		-- C code which reverses the bits in a word. \
',' \
Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I \
have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. \
		-- Brent Welch \
',' \
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to \
make it complex and wonderful. \
',' \
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. \
		-- D. Gries \
',' \
Never test for an error condition you don\'t know how to handle. \
		-- Steinbach \
',' \
Never trust a computer you can\'t repair yourself. \
',' \
Never trust an operating system. \
',' \
Never try to explain computers to a layman.  It\'s easier to explain \
sex to a virgin. \
	-- Robert Heinlein \
 \
(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) \
',' \
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. \
		-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS \
',' \
New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt. \
',' \
New systems generate new problems. \
',' \
*** NEWS FLASH *** \
 \
Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur \
skeleton!  Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive \
than DEC admits.  Price adjustments at 11:00. \
',' \
news: gotcha \
',' \
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly \
(Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth).  Which \
is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value. \
',' \
No directory. \
',' \
No extensible language will be universal. \
		-- T. Cheatham \
',' \
No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware \
until three software guys have signed off for it. \
		-- Andy Tanenbaum \
',' \
No line available at 300 baud. \
',' \
No man is an island if he\'s on at least one mailing list. \
',' \
No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval system, \
or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of the author. \
		-- Chris Shaw \
',' \
No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied \
occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an \
indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence \
different from the one identified by the given indication as an \
indication-applied occurrence. \
		-- ALGOL 68 Report \
',' \
No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. \
Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop! \
',' \
No, I\'m not interested in developing a powerful brain.  All I\'m after is \
just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone \
and Telegraph Company. \
		-- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking \
		   machine, 1943. \
',' \
Nobody said computers were going to be polite. \
',' \
Nobody\'s gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start \
coming in late and lying about it. \
',' \
nohup rm -fr /& \
',' \
Norbert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories.  Weiner was, in \
fact, very absent minded.  The following story is told about him: when they \
moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely \
useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move.  Since \
she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had \
moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to \
him.  Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him.  He \
reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled \
some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and \
threw the piece of paper away.  At the end of the day he went home (to the \
old address in Cambridge, of course).  When he got there he realized that they \
had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of \
paper with the address was long gone.  Fortunately inspiration struck.  There \
was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where \
he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me.  I\'m Norbert Weiner \
and we\'ve just moved.  Would you know where we\'ve moved to?"  To which the \
young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." \
	The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the \
story) about the truth of the story, many years later.  She said that it wasn\'t \
quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were!  The rest of it, \
however, was pretty close to what actually happened... \
		-- Richard Harter \
',' \
Not only is UNIX dead, it\'s starting to smell really bad. \
		-- Rob Pike \
',' \
NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. All \
software is supplied as is, without guarantee.  The user assumes all \
responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these features, \
including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system abends, disk \
head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark attack, nerve \
gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, local \
electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, invasion, \
hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction surfaces, comic \
radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive electronic components, \
windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated chickens, malfunctioning \
mechanical or electrical sexual devices, premature activation of the \
distant early warning system, peasant uprisings, halitosis, artillery \
bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, and/or frogs falling from the sky. \
',' \
Nothing happens. \
',' \
	Now she speaks rapidly.  "Do you know *why* you want to program?" \
	He shakes his head.  He hasn\'t the faintest idea. \
	"For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.   \
"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman.  "You take a program,  \
born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution.  You nurture the  \
program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever  \
stronger.  Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,  \
a keystroke changed there."  She sweeps her arm in a wide arc.  "And other \
times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program\'s very  \
*essence*, then beginning anew.  But always building, creating, filling the  \
program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances.  Watching  \
the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can  \
stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect.  This is the programmer\'s finest \
hour!"  Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.  \
"This ... this is your canvas! your clay!  Go forth and create a masterwork!" \
',' \
"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm.  Gag me with a smurfette." \
		-- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 \
',' \
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." \
		-- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
Nurse Donna:	Oh, Groucho, I\'m afraid I\'m gonna wind up an old maid. \
Groucho:	Well, bring her in and we\'ll wind her up together. \
Nurse Donna:	Do you believe in computer dating? \
Groucho:	Only if the computers really love each other. \
',' \
Oh, so there you are! \
',' \
Okay, Okay -- I admit it.  You didn\'t change that program that worked \
just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the \
executable.  Please forgive me.  You can recover the file by typing in \
the code over again, since I also removed the source. \
',' \
Old mail has arrived. \
',' \
Old programmers never die, they just become managers. \
',' \
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. \
',' \
Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. \
',' \
On a clear disk you can seek forever. \
		-- P. Denning \
',' \
On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN. \
',' \
On the Internet, nobody knows you\'re a dog. \
		-- Cartoon caption \
',' \
	On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people. \
There are lots of phrases.  My favorite is `nitwit\' -- and the rationale \
is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright, \
non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do \
several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works \
best, write it down and make that the standard. \
	The OSI view is entirely opposite.  You take written contributions \
from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of \
committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all \
with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get \
something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once. \
	So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well, \
then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write \
it down, circulate it a lot and now we\'ll see if anyone can implement it \
after it\'s an international standard and every vendor in the world is \
committed to it.  One of those processes is backwards, and I don\'t think \
it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which. \
		-- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI" \
',' \
On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. \
Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers \
come out?"  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of \
ideas that could provoke such a question. \
		-- Charles Babbage \
',' \
"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket". \
',' \
"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." \
 \
Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. \
The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. \
		-- Chuq Von Rospach \
',' \
	One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make \
a better garbage collector.  We must keep a reference count of the pointers \
to each cons." \
	Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a \
student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage \
collector..." \
',' \
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they \
never have to stop and answer the phone. \
',' \
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, \
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of \
their C programs. \
		-- Robert Firth \
',' \
One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is...  If they do \
foul up, there\'s no law against whacking them around a little. \
		-- Joe Martin \
',' \
	One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic \
is our support for UNIX? \
	Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. \
Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our \
VAXs are going for UNIX use.  UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, \
easy to get started with. It\'s great for students, great for somewhat casual \
users, and it\'s great for interchanging programs between different machines. \
And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it.  We have \
good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. \
	It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run \
out of things they can do with UNIX. They\'ll want a real system and will end \
up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. \
	With UNIX, if you\'re looking for something, you can easily and quickly \
check that small manual and find out that it\'s not there.  With VMS, no matter \
what you look for -- it\'s literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if \
you look long enough it\'s there.  That\'s the difference -- the beauty of UNIX \
is it\'s simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it\'s all there. \
		-- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 \
[It\'s been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken \
Olsen\'s brain.  Ed.] \
',' \
One person\'s error is another person\'s data. \
',' \
One picture is worth 128K words. \
',' \
Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
 \
Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. \
		-- The Unnamed Usenetter \
',' \
Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by  \
placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"  \
and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn \
food.  But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours  \
unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS \
and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed?  It\'s a  \
modest price to pay.  For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power  \
that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations.  Hail, \
postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of \
the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum.  The force is with you -- at 110 volts. \
May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply. \
		-- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83 \
',' \
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS  \
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously  \
too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won\'t explode when you  \
open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone  \
drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer  \
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold. \
',' \
OS/2 Skyways: \
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling \
about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a \
good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel \
walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing \
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the \
field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these \
new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they \
will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight \
systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer. \
',' \
"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we\'ll do it, but don\'t make a big \
system, because we can\'t fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.\'" \
 \
"TCP/IP is OK if you\'ve got a little informal club, and it doesn\'t make \
any difference if it takes a while to fix it." \
		-- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988 \
',' \
Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. \
He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both \
holding bags of popcorn.  We were both holding bottles of juice.  But only \
*__he* had a lollipop. \
	He asked his mother, "Why doesn\'t HE have a lollipop?" \
	Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to.  That\'s \
what it means to be a programmer." \
',' \
Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. \
		-- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte \
',' \
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. \
	Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, \
	In kernel as it is in user! \
',' \
Over the shoulder supervision is more a need of the manager than the \
programming task. \
',' \
Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two \
complementary directions:  to reduce the number of software errors through \
rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining \
errors by providing for recovery from them.  An interesting footnote to this \
design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the \
result of two program errors:  the first, in the program that started the \
problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the \
system. \
		-- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage \
		   Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and \
		   Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4. \
',' \
Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will \
continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually \
powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate.  Afterwards the \
victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking move?\' \
		-- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course" \
',' \
Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. \
',' \
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. \
',' \
panic: can\'t find / \
',' \
panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped		(only kidding) \
',' \
panic: kernel trap (ignored) \
',' \
Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. \
		-- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan \
',' \
Pascal is not a high-level language. \
		-- Steven Feiner \
',' \
"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." \
		-- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 \
',' \
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. \
',' \
Pause for storage relocation. \
',' \
Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. \
		-- R.W. Hamming \
',' \
PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the \
solution set. \
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 \
',' \
Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them. \
',' \
Please go away. \
',' \
PLUG IT IN!!! \
',' \
Premature optimization is the root of all evil. \
		-- D.E. Knuth \
',' \
	Price Wang\'s programmer was coding software.  His fingers danced upon \
the keyboard.  The program compiled without an error message, and the program \
ran like a gentle wind. \
	Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!" \
	"Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I \
follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique.  When I first began to program I \
would see before me the whole program in one mass.  After three years I no \
longer saw this mass.  Instead, I used subroutines.  But now I see nothing. \
My whole being exists in a formless void.  My senses are idle.  My spirit, \
free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct.  In short, my program \
writes itself.  True, sometimes there are difficult problems.  I see them \
coming, I slow down, I watch silently.  Then I change a single line of code \
and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke.  I then compile the \
program.  I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being.  I close my \
eyes for a moment and then log off." \
	Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
Prof:    So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data \
	 encryption standard and they came up with ... \
Student: EBCDIC!" \
',' \
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. \
',' \
Programmers do it bit by bit. \
',' \
Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live without \
giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. \
		-- D.M. Ritchie \
',' \
Programming is an unnatural act. \
',' \
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: \
 \
BBW	Branch Both Ways \
BEW	Branch Either Way \
BBBF	Branch on Bit Bucket Full \
BH	Branch and Hang \
BMR	Branch Multiple Registers \
BOB	Branch On Bug \
BPO	Branch on Power Off \
BST	Backspace and Stretch Tape \
CDS	Condense and Destroy System \
CLBR	Clobber Register \
CLBRI	Clobber Register Immediately \
CM	Circulate Memory \
CMFRM	Come From -- essential for truly structured programming \
CPPR	Crumple Printer Paper and Rip \
CRN	Convert to Roman Numerals \
',' \
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: \
 \
DC	Divide and Conquer \
DMPK	Destroy Memory Protect Key \
DO	Divide and Overflow \
EMPC	Emulate Pocket Calculator \
EPI	Execute Programmer Immediately \
EROS	Erase Read Only Storage \
EXCE	Execute Customer Engineer \
HCF	Halt and Catch Fire \
IBP	Insert Bug and Proceed \
INSQSW	Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) \
PBC	Print and Break Chain \
PDSK	Punch Disk \
',' \
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: \
 \
PI	Punch Invalid \
POPI	Punch Operator Immediately \
PVLC	Punch Variable Length Card \
RASC	Read And Shred Card \
RPM	Read Programmers Mind \
RSSC	reduce speed, step carefully  (for improved accuracy) \
RTAB	Rewind tape and break \
RWDSK	rewind disk \
RWOC	Read Writing On Card \
SCRBL	scribble to disk  - faster than a write \
SLC	Search for Lost Chord \
SPSW	Scramble Program Status Word \
SRSD	Seek Record and Scar Disk \
STROM	Store in Read Only Memory \
TDB	Transfer and Drop Bit \
WBT	Water Binary Tree \
',' \
PURGE COMPLETE. \
',' \
Put no trust in cryptic comments. \
',' \
RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC \
READY \
>_ \
',' \
RAM wasn\'t built in a day. \
',' \
Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I \
saw at the airport ... Now I\'m remembering, those giant piles of computer \
magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store.  Does \
it bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won \
secrets of computer technology?  Remember how all the lawyers cried foul \
when "How to Avoid Probate" was published?  Are they taking no-fault \
insurance lying down?  No way!  But at the current rate it won\'t be long \
before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the \
A&P checkout counters.  Who\'s going to be impressed with us electrical \
engineers then?  Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? \
		-- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President \
',' \
Reactor error - core dumped! \
',' \
Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic \
value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is \
much too large to implement.  Most computer scientists don\'t notice \
this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. \
',' \
Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware has \
limitations, software doesn\'t.  It\'s a real shame that Turing machines are \
so poor at I/O. \
',' \
Real computer scientists don\'t comment their code.  The identifiers are \
so long they can\'t afford the disk space. \
',' \
Real computer scientists don\'t program in assembler.  They don\'t write \
in anything less portable than a number two pencil. \
',' \
Real computer scientists don\'t write code.  They occasionally tinker with \
`programming systems\', but those are so high level that they hardly count  \
(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications). \
',' \
Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how \
could they read their mail? \
',' \
Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run \
on future hardware.  Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo \
sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. \
',' \
Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured programming is \
for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- trained.  They wear \
neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks. \
',' \
Real programmers don\'t bring brown-bag lunches.  If the vending machine \
doesn\'t sell it, they don\'t eat it.  Vending machines don\'t sell quiche. \
',' \
Real programmers don\'t comment their code.  It was hard to write, it \
should be hard to understand. \
',' \
Real programmers don\'t draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the \
illiterate\'s form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how \
much good it did them. \
',' \
Real Programmers don\'t eat quiche.  They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food. \
',' \
Real Programmers don\'t play tennis, or any other sport that requires \
you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers \
wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly \
spring up in the middle of the machine room. \
',' \
Real programmers don\'t write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write in \
BASIC after reaching puberty. \
',' \
Real Programmers don\'t write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and \
crystallography weenies.  FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. \
',' \
Real Programmers don\'t write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who can\'t \
decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. \
',' \
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. \
',' \
Real programs don\'t eat cache. \
',' \
Real Programs don\'t use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use functions \
for scratch space after they are finished calling them? \
',' \
Real software engineers don\'t debug programs, they verify correctness. \
This process doesn\'t necessarily involve execution of anything on a \
computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. \
',' \
Real software engineers don\'t like the idea of some inexplicable and \
greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any \
moment.  They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that \
systems could be virtual at *___all* levels.  They would like personal \
computers (you know no one\'s going to trip over something and kill your \
DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their \
Correctness Verification Aid packages. \
',' \
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is \
described in the formal spec.  Working late would feel like using an \
undocumented external procedure. \
',' \
Real Users are afraid they\'ll break the machine -- but they\'re never \
afraid to break your face. \
',' \
Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts \
down the system for days. \
',' \
Real Users hate Real Programmers. \
',' \
Real Users know your home telephone number. \
',' \
Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program \
doesn\'t deliver it. \
',' \
Real Users never use the Help key. \
',' \
Recursion is the root of computation since it trades description for time. \
',' \
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? \
',' \
Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn\'t \
have an established user base. \
',' \
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. \
		-- Mt. \
',' \
Remember: use logout to logout. \
',' \
	Risch\'s decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, \
uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the \
rational functions needed to represent the integrand.  Although the \
algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure \
of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot \
claim that the algorithm is a natural one.  In fact, the creator of \
differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950\'s, \
largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work.  Probably \
he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as well. \
		-- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub \
',' \
Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream... \
',' \
Save energy:  Drive a smaller shell. \
',' \
Save gas, don\'t use the shell. \
',' \
Save yourself!  Reboot in 5 seconds! \
',' \
Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. \
',' \
SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out! \
		-- Ken Thompson \
',' \
Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. \
',' \
Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. \
They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was \
built. Finally the big day was at hand.  All the computers were linked \
together.  They asked the question, "Is there a God?".  Lights started \
blinking, flashing and blinking some more.  Suddenly, there was a loud \
crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, struck the \
computers, and welded all the connections permanently together.  "There \
is now", came the reply. \
',' \
Scotty:	Captain, we din\' can reference it! \
Kirk:	Analysis, Mr. Spock? \
Spock:	Captain, it doesn\'t appear in the symbol table. \
Kirk:	Then it\'s of external origin? \
Spock:	Affirmative. \
Kirk:	Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. \
Sulu:	Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. \
',' \
"Section 2.4.3.5   AWNS   (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). \
	In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a \
multiline message byte. \
	In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message \
must be sent passive true. \
	The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: \
	(1)  The ANRS if DAV is false \
	(2)  The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: \
		(a)  The LADS is active \
		(b)  Nor LACS is active" \
 \
		-- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for \
		   Programmable Instrumentation \
',' \
Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! \
',' \
Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were \
driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out.  They screamed down the \
mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by \
luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged \
rocks.  They all got out of the car: \
        The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." \
        The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it \
into town and have a specialist look at it." \
        The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back \
in and see if it does it again." \
',' \
				SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT \
 \
Title:		Are Frogs Turing Compatible? \
Speaker:	Don "The Lion" Knuth \
 \
				ABSTRACT \
	Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying \
the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular.  The problem \
of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas \
of computer science.  It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- \
bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size \
pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete.  We will show that \
there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program \
to a frog.  We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable \
functions. \
	This is not just a let\'s-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. \
This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. \
	Refreshments will be served.  Music will be played. \
',' \
Send some filthy mail. \
',' \
Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. \
		-- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide" \
',' \
	Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. \
	The first student to try to do this was a math student.  "Hmmm... \
Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all \
the odd integers are prime." \
	The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I\'m not \
sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I\'ll try to prove it by \
experiment."  He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is \
prime, 9 is...  uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 \
is prime...  Well, it seems that you\'re right." \
	The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, \
"Well, to be honest, actually, I\'m not sure of your answer either.  Let\'s \
see...  1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... \
well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...  Well, it \
does seem right." \
	Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says \
"Well, you two sort\'ve got the right idea, but you\'ll end up taking too long! \
I\'ve just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it."  He goes over to \
his terminal and runs his program.  Reading the output on the screen he says, \
"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." \
',' \
She sells cshs by the cshore. \
',' \
Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a \
totally awwwesome Apple.  Fer suuure.  I mean Apples are nice you know? \
But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE says that \
VAX\'s are cooler!  I mean I don\'t really know, you know? He says that he \
has this totally tubular VAX at home and it\'s stuffed with memory-to-the-max! \
Right, yeah.  And he wants to take me home to show it to me.  Oh My God! \
I\'m suuure.  Gag me with a Prime! \
',' \
Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. \
		-- Hubert Kirrman \
',' \
skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil \
h;asvgy8p	23r1vyui135	2 \
kmxsij90TYDFS$$b	jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j	nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<\';[, \
		[hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf\'] \
				sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y \
 \
 \
Now look what you\'ve gone and done!  You\'ve broken it! \
',' \
Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... \
',' \
So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh?  In reality \
all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have \
tomorrow, why, it already happened.  You see, it\'s just a little universal \
recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of \
the instant.  So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment \
and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of \
eternity, the anti-time.  So go to sleep... \
',' \
Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run \
like a staff function. \
		-- Paul Licker \
',' \
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more \
"user-friendly".  ...  Their best approach, so far, has been to take all \
the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover. \
		-- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. \
	[Pot. Kettle. Black.] \
',' \
Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. \
The answer is: I don\'t know. \
Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? \
',' \
Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, but at least you \
only have to climb it once. \
',' \
Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress. \
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 \
',' \
Somebody\'s terminal is dropping bits.  I found a pile of them over in the \
corner. \
',' \
	Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void.  Waiting \
alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion.  It is \
the source of all programs.  I do not know its name, so I will call it the \
Tao of Programming. \
	If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great.  If the \
operating system is great, then the compiler is great.  If the compiler is \
greater, then the applications is great.  The user is pleased and there is \
harmony in the world. \
	The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of \
morning. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure \
that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, \
all-encompassing monster.  Allocate an array and free the middle third? \
Sure!  Why not?  Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the \
result to a float decimal?  Go ahead!  Free a controlled variable procedure \
parameter and reallocate it before passing it back?  Overlay three different \
types of variable on the same memory location?  Anything you say!  Write a \
recursive macro?  Well, no, but Real Men use rescan.  How could a language \
so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? \
',' \
***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) \
 \
It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge  \
in order to perform well in complex domains.  But knowledge alone is not \
sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well.  Accordingly,  \
we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call  \
"wisdom engineering".  As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a  \
wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.   \
IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom  \
about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so  \
forth.  IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic  \
rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base.  IMMANUEL  \
succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed  \
in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those  \
underlying Plato\'s theory of government, Kant\'s metaphysics, Nietzsche\'s theory \
of value, and Husserl\'s phenomenology.  In this seminar, we will describe  \
IMMANUEL\'s achievements and internal architecture.  We will also briefly  \
discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. \
',' \
Staff meeting in the conference room in %d minutes. \
',' \
Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes. \
',' \
Standards are crucial.  And the best thing about standards is: there are \
so ____many to choose from! \
',' \
Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle \
Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad \
so he could breed boneless shad.  His experiment backfired too, and he \
wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble.  There\'s \
very little call for those up there. \
		-- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone \
',' \
Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. \
		-- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984 \
',' \
	Stop!  Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first \
these questions three, ere the other side he see! \
 \
	"What is your name?" \
	"Sir Brian of Bell." \
	"What is your quest?" \
	"I seek the Holy Grail." \
	"What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments \
to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls\'?" \
	"I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!" \
',' \
	*** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** \
 \
Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of \
programming.  One former student developed the concept of the personalized \
form letter.  Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a \
winner!," sound familiar?  Another student writes "After only five lessons I \
sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine. \
Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management \
program for my department manager.  My program touched him so deeply that he \
was speechless.  He told me later that he had never seen such a program in \
his entire career.  Thank you, Famous Programmers\' school; only you could \
have made this possible."  Send for our introductory brochure which explains \
in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers\' School, and you\'ll \
be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which \
can vie for a set of free steak knives.  If you don\'t do it now, you\'ll hate \
yourself in the morning. \
',' \
Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, petty, boring, \
ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality. \
	-- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts \
',' \
Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same \
rate as computers and over the same period:  how much cheaper and more \
efficient would the current models be?  If you have not already heard the \
analogy, the answer is shattering.  Today you would be able to buy a \
Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and \
it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II.  And if you \
were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on \
a pinhead. \
		-- Christopher Evans \
',' \
Swap read error.  You lose your mind. \
',' \
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. \
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 \
',' \
System checkpoint complete. \
',' \
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. \
',' \
System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug. \
',' \
System going down in 5 minutes. \
',' \
System restarting, wait... \
',' \
	*** System shutdown message from root *** \
 \
System going down in 60 seconds \
 \
 \
',' \
Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad \
infinitum -- which is why we\'re always starting over. \
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 \
',' \
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. \
		-- R.S. Barton \
',' \
Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence. \
		-- Dijkstra \
',' \
TeX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this \
century.  It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in \
terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press. \
		-- Gordon Bell \
',' \
"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even \
one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." \
		-- J. Finnegan, USC. \
',' \
That does not compute. \
',' \
... that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by \
the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on \
hardware.  This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS. \
A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the \
liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the \
REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... \
		-- Linden and Wihelminalaan \
',' \
	"That\'s right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but \
they\'re not coming out on the damn printer...  Hold?  Sure, I\'ll hold." \
		-- e.e. cummings last service call \
',' \
That\'s the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they \
really hate is lousy programmers. \
		-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" \
',' \
The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. \
		-- Andy Purshottam \
',' \
The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. \
		-- R.B. Greenberg [referring to PDPs?] \
',' \
The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. \
		-- T. Cheatham \
',' \
The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. \
For you systems people, that means it\'s *real slow*. \
		-- Bart Miller \
',' \
"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty.  You might want to mug \
someone with it." \
		-- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 \
',' \
The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns just as the Jacquard \
loom weaves flowers and leaves. \
		-- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer \
',' \
"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people \
who don\'t understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything." \
		-- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce\'s UNIX Bookstore \
',' \
The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. \
		-- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike \
 \
	[If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I \
	 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only \
	 Memory".  Ed.] \
',' \
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; \
but that\'s because it\'s the best book on anything for the layman. \
',' \
The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second per second. \
',' \
The bogosity meter just pegged. \
',' \
The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a \
digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top \
of a mountain or in the petals of a flower.  To think otherwise is to demean \
the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. \
		-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" \
',' \
The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only \
the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. \
		-- Kay Bostic \
',' \
"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of \
assembly language with the power of assembly language." \
',' \
The clothes have no emperor. \
		-- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA. \
',' \
The computer industry is journalists in their 20\'s standing in awe of \
entrepreneurs in their 30\'s who are hiring salesmen in their 40\'s and \
50\'s and paying them in the 60\'s and 70\'s to bring their marketing into \
the 80\'s. \
		-- Marty Winston \
',' \
The computer is to the information industry roughly what the \
central power station is to the electrical industry. \
		-- Peter Drucker \
',' \
"The Computer made me do it." \
',' \
The computing field is always in need of new cliches. \
		-- Alan Perlis \
',' \
The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems \
and solutions we can imagine is very close.  For this reason restricting \
language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best \
dangerous. \
		-- Bjarne Stroustrup \
',' \
The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of \
us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching \
Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. \
',' \
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? \
',' \
The difference between art and science is that science is what we \
understand well enough to explain to a computer.  Art is everything else. \
		-- Donald Knuth, "Discover" \
',' \
The disks are getting full; purge a file today. \
',' \
"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute\' or `Thou Shalt Not \
Compute\' -- I forget which." \
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 \
',' \
	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES \
 \
SPECIES:	Cranial Males \
SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis) \
Courtship & Mating: \
	Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual \
	state of sexual readiness.  Courtship behavior alternates between \
	awkward shyness and abrupt advances.  When he finally mates, he \
	chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and \
	a complete collection of Campbell\'s soup-can recipes. \
Track: \
	Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old \
	copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. \
Comments: \
	Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. \
',' \
	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES \
 \
SPECIES:	Cranial Males \
SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis) \
Description: \
	Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. \
	Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and \
	sightly gray from CRT illumination.  He has heavy black-rimmed glasses \
	and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software \
	problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. \
Feathering: \
	HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. \
	Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. \
Song: \
	A rather plaintive "Is it up?" \
',' \
	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES \
 \
SPECIES:	Cranial Males \
SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis) \
Plumage: \
	All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the \
	top of the laundry basket.  Style varies with status.  Hacker managers \
	wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, \
	and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white \
	or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. \
	Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black \
	plastic digital watch with calculator. \
',' \
The first time, it\'s a KLUDGE! \
The second, a trick. \
Later, it\'s a well-established technique! \
		-- Mike Broido, Intermetrics \
',' \
The first version always gets thrown away. \
',' \
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. \
		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" \
',' \
The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions \
Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: \
 \
As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of \
logical blocks.  From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more \
appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the \
four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. \
. . . \
Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible \
blocks form a line parallel to the track axis.  This line moves \
parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge \
of the hyper-cube. \
',' \
The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip \
objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air \
due to levitation. \
	Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur \
if the character does not have fire resistance. \
		-- README file from the NetHack game \
',' \
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at \
least until we\'ve finished building it. \
',' \
The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April \
1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above \
the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep \
each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered \
chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek \
nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three \
days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo.  Two \
seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- \
friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include "Everything You Know is \
Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis \
"cc C?  Si!  Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You \
Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because \
all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we \
could tell them. \
		-- "Get GUMMed," Dr. Dobb\'s Journal, June \'84 \
',' \
		The Guy on the Right Doesn\'t Stand a Chance \
The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system \
in a portable package the size of a briefcase.  The guy on the left has an \
Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case.  Also in the case are four \
fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition.  The owner of the \
Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on \
target -- in less time, and with less effort.  All for $795. It\'s inevitable. \
If you\'re going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal  \
computer -- he\'s the one who\'s in trouble.  One round from an Uzi can zip \
through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do \
to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum.  In fact, detachable magazines  \
for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can  \
take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied \
into Ethernet or other local-area networks.  What about the new 16-bit \
computers, like the Lisa and Fortune?  Even with the Winchester backup,  \
they\'re no match for the Uzi.  One quick burst and they\'ll find out what  \
Unix means.  Make your commanding officer proud.  Get an Uzi -- and come home \
a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. \
		-- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 \
',' \
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity \
-- the rest is overhead for the operating system. \
',' \
The IBM 2250 is impressive ... \
if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. \
		-- D. Cohen \
',' \
The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". \
		-- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group" \
',' \
The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given \
tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than \
it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws). \
		-- Doug Gwyn \
',' \
The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word \
processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs." \
		-- Roy Blount, Jr. \
',' \
The less time planning, the more time programming. \
',' \
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE \
 \
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot\'s Monopurpose Programming Language \
Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover College for \
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code \
with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, \
END and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you can\'t make \
a syntax error.  Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful.  Thus \
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without \
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. \
',' \
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP \
 \
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of \
an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH".  LITHP is said \
to be useful in protheththing lithtth. \
',' \
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL \
 \
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. \
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they \
compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the \
coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom \
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to \
compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but \
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. \
',' \
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL \
 \
	VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the \
industry.  VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. \
Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators.  Other \
operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY.  Loops are \
accomplished with the FOR SURE construct.  A simple example: \
 \
	LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START \
	IF PIZZA	=LIKE BITCHEN AND \
	GUY		=LIKE TUBULAR AND \
	VALLEY GIRL	=LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 \
	THEN \
		FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 \
			DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) \
		SURE \
	LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE \
	GOTO THE MALL \
 \
	VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages.  For \
example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the \
message GAG ME WITH A SPOON!  A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY \
AWESOME! \
',' \
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #15 -- DOGO \
 \
	Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO \
DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets.  DOGO commands include \
SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER.  An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy \
graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as \
it travels across the screen. \
',' \
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #16: C- \
 \
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he \
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is best \
described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the language \
generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to \
execute a given task.  In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. \
',' \
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE \
 \
Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely \
unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. \
Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE \
programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. \
',' \
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: FIFTH \
 \
FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types \
refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and \
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and \
BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, \
CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. \
 \
The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and \
financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include \
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH \
and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers \
who end up using this language. \
',' \
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE \
 \
Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes, \
RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence.  The language is being \
developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a \
grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund.  A spokesman described the language \
as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours." \
 \
The center is very pleased with progress to date.  They say they have almost \
succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the \
organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist. \
',' \
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK \
 \
This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T\'ai Chi, \
Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to \
the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. \
 \
The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while \
they worked.  Unfortunately few programmers could survive there because the \
center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier. \
 \
Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and \
non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower case.  For \
example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message: \
 \
	"i hate to bother you, but i just can\'t relate to that.  can \
	you find the time to try it again?" \
',' \
The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best. \
',' \
	The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the \
master programmer to examine.  The magician wheeled a large black box into the \
master\'s office while the master waited in silence. \
	"This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation," \
began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating \
system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user \
interfaces.  It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. \
Is it not amazing?" \
	The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he \
said. \
	"Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that \
everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs.  Do you agree \
to this?" \
	"Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the \
data center immediately!"  And the magician returned to his tower, well \
pleased. \
	Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master \
programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program.  Do \
you know where it might be?" \
	"Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform \
in the data center." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	The master programmer moves from program to program without fear.  No \
change in management can harm him.  He will not be fired, even if the project \
is canceled. Why is this?  He is filled with the Tao. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. \
 \
Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." \
',' \
The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to \
devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. \
		-- Lew Mammel, Jr. \
',' \
The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be \
general systems laws.  For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that \
any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby \
not to be a science.  He would cite as examples Military Science, Library \
Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer \
Science.  Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its \
predictive power. \
		-- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems \
		   Thinking" \
',' \
The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the \
lower the mailing cost. \
		-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil\'s DP Dictionary" \
',' \
The most important early product on the way to developing a good product \
is an imperfect version. \
',' \
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. \
',' \
The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded \
in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but \
occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! \
	-- James \'Kibo\' Parry \
',' \
The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, \
in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. \
 \
	But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: \
	for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. \
		-- Matthew 5:37 \
',' \
The next person to mention spaghetti stacks to me is going to have \
his head knocked off. \
		-- Bill Conrad \
',' \
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. \
		-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum \
',' \
The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn\'t run faster at night. \
',' \
The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column \
card. \
		-- Dennis M. Ritchie \
',' \
The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct. \
		-- Ralph Hartley \
',' \
The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely proportional \
to the number of bugs in their code. \
',' \
The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. \
	-- The Unix Programmer\'s Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972 \
',' \
The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is \
that the car salesman knows he\'s lying. \
',' \
The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk. \
',' \
The only thing worse than X Windows: (X Windows) - X \
',' \
The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes.  Fully clothed, I might add. \
		-- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court \
',' \
The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip \
market.  Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and \
is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose" \
		-- James Finke, Commodore Int\'l Ltd., 1982 \
',' \
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things \
difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. \
',' \
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; \
instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the \
variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead \
of the longer form of the constant.  This also simplifies modifying the \
program, should the value of pi change. \
		-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers \
',' \
	The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to \
get results. \
	The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy \
problems in order to get results. \
	The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at \
toy problems in order to get results. \
',' \
The problems of business administration in general, and database management in \
particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded \
with sloppy english. \
		-- Edsger Dijkstra \
',' \
The program isn\'t debugged until the last user is dead. \
',' \
	The programmers of old were mysterious and profound.  We cannot fathom \
their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. \
	Aware, like a fox crossing the water.  Alert, like a general on the \
battlefield.  Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved \
blocks of wood.  Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. \
	Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? \
	The answer exists only in the Tao. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
The proof that IBM didn\'t invent the car is that it has a steering wheel \
and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a horse. \
		-- Jac Goudsmit \
',' \
The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of \
whether submarines can swim. \
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra \
',' \
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don\'t eat much. \
',' \
The relative importance of files depends on their cost in terms of the \
human effort needed to regenerate them. \
		-- T.A. Dolotta \
',' \
The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. \
		-- J. Gooding \
',' \
	The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the \
forest, hunting bear.  They\'d rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took \
their backpacks off and put them inside.  At which point the salesman turned \
to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." \
	Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down \
on the porch.  Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest.  The noises \
got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like \
hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and \
most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen. \
	"Open the door!", screamed the salesman. \
	The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, \
suddenly stopped, and stepped aside.  The bear, unable to stop, continued \
through the door and into the cabin.  The salesman slammed the door closed \
and grinned at his friend.  "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this \
one and I\'ll go rustle us up another!" \
',' \
The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone \
beat their head on the keyboard.  After working with it... I can see why! \
		-- Harry Skelton \
',' \
The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today\'s workstations is instead an \
"airplane-seat" metaphor.  Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers \
while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- \
one can see only a very few things at once. \
		-- Fred Brooks \
',' \
The steady state of disks is full. \
		-- Ken Thompson \
',' \
		      THE STORY OF CREATION \
			       or \
			 THE MYTH OF URK \
 \
In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null, and \
darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving \
over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be registers;" and \
there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the \
data from the instructions.  DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions \
they called Code.  And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt \
... \
		-- Rico Tudor \
',' \
The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday. \
',' \
The system will be down for 10 days for preventive maintenance. \
',' \
The Tao doesn\'t take sides; \
it gives birth to both wins and losses. \
The Guru doesn\'t take sides; \
she welcomes both hackers and lusers. \
 \
The Tao is like a stack: \
the data changes but not the structure. \
the more you use it, the deeper it becomes; \
the more you talk of it, the less you understand. \
 \
Hold on to the root. \
',' \
The Tao is like a glob pattern: \
used but never used up. \
It is like the extern void: \
filled with infinite possibilities. \
 \
It is masked but always present. \
I don\'t know who built to it. \
It came before the first kernel. \
',' \
The tao that can be tar(1)ed \
is not the entire Tao. \
The path that can be specified  \
is not the Full Path. \
 \
We declare the names \
of all variables and functions. \
Yet the Tao has no type specifier. \
 \
Dynamically binding, you realize the magic. \
Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy. \
 \
Yet magic and hierarchy \
arise from the same source, \
and this source has a null pointer. \
 \
Reference the NULL within NULL, \
it is the gateway to all wizardry. \
',' \
The trouble with computers is that they do what you tell them, not what \
you want. \
		-- D. Cohen \
',' \
The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to \
hang yourself.  And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. \
',' \
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems \
is a symptom of professional immaturity. \
		-- Edsger Dijkstra \
',' \
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be \
regarded as a criminal offence. \
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 \
',' \
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. \
',' \
	The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it.  The average \
programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it.  The foolish programmer \
is told about the Tao and laughs at it.  If it were not for laughter, there \
would be no Tao. \
	The highest sounds are the hardest to hear.  Going forward is a way to \
retreat.  Greater talent shows itself late in life.  Even a perfect program \
still has bugs. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools \
we\'re using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral \
and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because \
of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible. \
We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller \
ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much. \
		-- Paul Licker \
',' \
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! \
',' \
The world is coming to an end.  Please log off. \
',' \
The world is not octal despite DEC. \
',' \
The world will end in 5 minutes.  Please log out. \
',' \
The young lady had an unusual list, \
Linked in part to a structural weakness. \
She set no preconditions. \
',' \
THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVELININTHENIGHTDUDE \
',' \
... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that commitee.  These guys \
have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants \
or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex \
layers that are going to be agreed upon. \
		-- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World \
',' \
There are never any bugs you haven\'t found yet. \
',' \
There are new messages. \
',' \
There are no games on this system. \
',' \
There are running jobs.  Why don\'t you go chase them? \
',' \
There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. \
',' \
There are three possibilities: Pioneer\'s solar panel has turned away from \
the sun; there\'s a large meteor blocking transmission; someone loaded Star \
Trek 3.2 into our video processor. \
',' \
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. \
We don\'t believe this to be a coincidence. \
		-- Jeremy S. Anderson \
',' \
There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make \
it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to \
make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. \
		-- C.A.R. Hoare \
',' \
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. \
',' \
There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names. \
For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read \
permissions for everyone, you could say \
 \
	#define creat(file, mode)	creat(file, mode | 0444) \
 \
	I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it \
hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away \
from its uses. \
	To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that \
is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of \
the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon.  While a macro is \
being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro \
name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology \
-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded \
recursively.  (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I\'m sure it \
was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) \
		-- From Ken Arnold\'s "C Advisor" column in Unix Review \
',' \
There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. \
		-- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), \
		   Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977 \
',' \
There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. \
',' \
	There once was a man who went to a computer trade show.  Each day as \
he entered, the man told the guard at the door: \
	"I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting.  Be \
forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered." \
	This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions \
of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. \
But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. \
	When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, \
but nothing was to be found. \
	On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the \
guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even \
better."  So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. \
	On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his \
curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live \
in peace.  Please enlighten me.  What is it that you are stealing?" \
	The man smiled.  "I am stealing ideas," he said. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. \
A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured \
programs.  When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the \
master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is \
appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice.  You must \
understand the Tao before transcending structure." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the \
warlord of Wu.  The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: \
an accounting package or an operating system?" \
	"An operating system," replied the programmer. \
	The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief.  "Surely an \
accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating \
system," he said. \
	"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, \
the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: \
how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to \
the tax laws.  By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside \
appearances.  When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the \
simplest harmony between machine and ideas.  This is why an operating system \
is easier to design." \
	The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled.  "That is all good and well, but \
which is easier to debug?" \
	The programmer made no reply. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
	There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors.  "Look at \
how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, \
"I have my own operating system and file storage device.  I do not have to \
share my resources with anyone.  The software is self-consistent and \
easy-to-use.  Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?" \
	The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his \
friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the \
midst of the data center.  Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean \
of machinery.  The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted \
as a primeval jungle.  The programs, each unique, move through the system \
like a swift-flowing river.  That is why I am happy where I am." \
	The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent.  But the \
two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, \
in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed.  The term \
that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the \
practice -- was `signing up.\'  By signing up for the project you agreed \
to do whatever was necessary for success.  You agreed to forsake, if \
necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left \
(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before). \
		-- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine" \
',' \
There\'s got to be more to life than compile-and-go. \
',' \
They are called computers simply because computation is the only significant \
job that has so far been given to them. \
',' \
They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. \
		-- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos \
',' \
They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when \
not actually threatened.  How very nice for authority.  I decided not to \
learn this particular lesson. \
		-- Richard Stallman \
',' \
Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! \
',' \
Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. \
',' \
This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked.  When we can \
speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; \
batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, \
deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, \
Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong;  senseless, \
spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked;  {beef, \
beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, \
pinhead;  asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple;  brute, lumbering, oafish; \
half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have \
a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, \
individually and in combination, isn\'t it a little <fill in the blank> to be \
limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective? \
',' \
This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobozz Magic Co., Ltd. \
',' \
This file will self-destruct in five minutes. \
',' \
This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. \
',' \
"This is lemma 1.1.  We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back to one." \
		-- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 \
',' \
This is the first numerical problem I ever did.  It demonstrates the \
power of computers: \
 \
Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods.  Instruct \
the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a \
minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content.  The \
results are that one should eat each day: \
 \
	1/2 chicken \
	1 egg \
	1 glass of skim milk \
	27 heads of lettuce. \
		-- Rev. Adrian Melott \
',' \
	This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, \
explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for \
use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it \
and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. \
	We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around \
pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since \
we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of \
making anything out of all the hard work. \
	If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go \
around pirating copies of software you probably aren\'t going to pay much \
attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not.  Just keep your doors \
locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. \
		-- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow \
',' \
This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88. \
',' \
This login session: $13.99 \
',' \
This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does \
something child-like. \
		-- Forbes Burkowski, CS 454, University of Washington \
',' \
This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland \
student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. \
 \
	One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use \
	Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one \
	computer language to another and has a built-in editing system \
	which identifies errors in the original program. \
',' \
This screen intentionally left blank. \
',' \
This system will self-destruct in five minutes. \
',' \
* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * \
',' \
Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) \
are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse \
at are called software. \
		-- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological \
		   Literacy for the 1990\'s. \
',' \
Those who can\'t write, write manuals. \
',' \
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. \
		-- Henry Spencer \
',' \
Thrashing is just virtual crashing. \
',' \
Thus spake the master programmer: \
	"A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program \
is its own hell." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
Thus spake the master programmer: \
	"After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
Thus spake the master programmer: \
	"Let the programmers be many and the managers few -- then all will \
	be productive." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
Thus spake the master programmer: \
	"Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to \
	be maintained." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
Thus spake the master programmer: \
	"Time for you to leave." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
Thus spake the master programmer: \
	"When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
Thus spake the master programmer: \
	"When you have learned to snatch the error code from \
	the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
Thus spake the master programmer: \
	"Without the wind, the grass does not move.  Without software, \
	hardware is useless." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
Thus spake the master programmer: \
	"You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you \
	can\'t make him computer literate." \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer. \
',' \
Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. \
		-- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed) \
',' \
To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature\'s shift. \
		-- Shelley \
',' \
To communicate is the beginning of understanding. \
		-- AT&T \
',' \
To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so. \
',' \
To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. \
',' \
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. \
		-- Robert Heller \
',' \
To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, \
but you don\'t build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor \
micro and then try to run it on OS/2.  I mean, get serious. \
		-- William Zachmann, International Data Corp \
',' \
To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a \
test load. \
',' \
To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional \
system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, \
inelegant, and unsatisfying.  But it\'s a question of congruence: \
precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, \
uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, \
well-defined ones.  Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures \
of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very \
secure ecological niche. \
		-- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" \
',' \
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. \
',' \
Today is a good day for information-gathering.  Read someone else\'s mail file. \
',' \
Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. \
',' \
Tomorrow\'s computers some time next month. \
		-- DEC \
',' \
Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for \
anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations \
in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software." \
		-- Instrument News \
		[Once is too often.  Ed.] \
',' \
Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: \
  \
	(10) Sorry, but that\'s too useful. \
	 (9) Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! \
	 (8) I\'m on the committee and I *still* don\'t know what the hell \
	     #pragma is for. \
	 (7) Well, it\'s an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too \
	     hard to write. \
	 (6) Them bats is smart; they use radar. \
	 (5) All right, who\'s the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in \
	     here? \
	 (4) How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!" \
	 (3) Ha, ha, I can\'t believe they\'re actually going to adopt this \
	     sucker. \
	 (2) Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. \
	 (1) Gee, I wish we hadn\'t backed down on \'noalias\'. \
',' \
TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED \
',' \
Trap full -- please empty. \
',' \
Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. \
		-- Norman Augustine \
',' \
Try `stty 0\' -- it works much better. \
',' \
try again \
',' \
Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading:  Was it done, is \
it being done, or is something to be done?  Reports are now written in four \
tenses:  past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense.  Watch for \
novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmar), defined by the imperfect past, \
the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future. \
		-- Amrom Katz \
',' \
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only \
specification is that it should run noiselessly. \
',' \
Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. \
',' \
Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was  \
performing her normal housekeeping routines.  She was interrupted by  \
British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General \
Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in \
her home.  Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided \
a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center.  Upon \
entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention, \
and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their \
search was fruitless.  They had to return empty handed.  Word of the \
incident propagated rapidly through the region.  This historic event \
became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers. \
',' \
Type louder, please. \
',' \
 U       X \
e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159... \
',' \
Ummm, well, OK.  The network\'s the network, the computer\'s the computer. \
Sorry for the confusion. \
		-- Sun Microsystems \
',' \
	"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" \
	"It\'s simple, Skyler ... you\'ve seen what food processors do to food, \
right?" \
		-- MacNelley, "Shoe" \
',' \
Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys.  I have many \
friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to \
throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, \
slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound. \
		-- Jon Bentley \
',' \
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz.  \
to 64 oz.  Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even  \
though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.  \
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have  \
to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you  \
either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been  \
drinking Unix Beer for several years. \
	BSD stout: Deep, hearty, and an acquired taste.  The official \
brewer has released the recipe, and a lot of home-brewers now use it. \
	Hurd beer: Long advertised by the popular and politically active \
GNU brewery, so far it has more head than body.  The GNU brewery is \
mostly known for printing complete brewing instructions on every can, \
which contains hops, malt, barley, and yeast ... not yet fermented. \
	Linux brand: A recipe originally created by a drunken Finn in his \
basement, it has since become the home-brew of choice for impecunious \
brewers and Unix beer-lovers worldwide, many of whom change the recipe. \
	POSIX ales: Sweeter than lager, with the kick of a stout; the \
newer batches of a lot of beers seem to blend ale and stout or lager. \
	Solaris brand: A lager, intended to replace Sun brand stout. \
Unlike most lagers, this one has to be drunk more slowly than stout. \
	Sun brand: Long the most popular stout on the Unix market, it was \
discontinued in favor of a lager. \
	SysV lager: Clear and thirst-quenching, but lacking the body of \
stout or the sweetness of ale. \
',' \
UNIX enhancements aren\'t. \
',' \
Unix Express:  \
All passenger bring a piece of the aeroplane and a box of tools with them to \
the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind \
of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, the \
passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft, but give \
them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. \
All passengers believe they got there. \
',' \
Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple \
of more feet, just to be sure. \
		-- Eric Allman \
 \
... We make rope. \
		-- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem\'s new virtual memory. \
',' \
Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix \
hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- \
but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. \
People don\'t do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the \
world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. \
		-- E. Post \
		"Real Programmers Don\'t Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83 \
',' \
Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. \
		-- Donn Seeley \
',' \
* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. \
',' \
UNIX is hot.  It\'s more than hot.  It\'s steaming.  It\'s quicksilver \
lightning with a laserbeam kicker. \
		-- Michael Jay Tucker \
',' \
UNIX is many things to many people, but it\'s never been everything to anybody. \
',' \
Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. \
		-- Berry Kercheval \
',' \
Unix soit qui mal y pense \
	[Unix to him who evil thinks?] \
',' \
				UNIX Trix \
 \
For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will \
save your support staff a few hours of precious time.  Before you send your \
next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd \
to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk.  Now when they \
forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct \
the damage.  Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea \
either.  If you need some help, give us a call. \
		-- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems \
',' \
UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on \
Tue Nov  5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). \
		-- Andy Tannenbaum \
',' \
UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that \
would also stop you from doing clever things. \
		-- Doug Gwyn \
',' \
Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1... \
',' \
Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ... \
',' \
Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir \
',' \
USENET would be a better laboratory is there were more labor and less oratory. \
		-- Elizabeth Haley \
',' \
User hostile. \
',' \
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. \
		-- S.C. Johnson \
',' \
/usr/news/gotcha \
',' \
Variables don\'t; constants aren\'t. \
',' \
Vax Vobiscum \
',' \
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. \
',' \
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. \
',' \
VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top  \
and sipping.  However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or  \
contain extremely un-beer-like contents. \
',' \
VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M. \
',' \
VMS version 2.0 ==> \
',' \
Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories.  Von Neumann \
supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on \
the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked \
how to solve problems.  One time one of his students tried to get more helpful \
information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem.  Von \
Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". \
',' \
<< WAIT >> \
',' \
WARNING!!! \
This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. \
 \
A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the \
operator\'s emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the \
machine.  The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional \
to the desperation of the operator.  Threatening the machine with violence \
only aggravates the situation.  Likewise, attempts to use another machine \
may cause it to malfunction.  They belong to the same union.  Keep cool \
and say nice things to the machine.  Nothing else seems to work. \
 \
See also: flog(1), tm(1) \
',' \
Wasn\'t there something about a PASCAL programmer knowing the value of \
everything and the Wirth of nothing? \
',' \
We all agree on the necessity of compromise.  We just can\'t agree on \
when it\'s necessary to compromise. \
	-- Larry Wall \
',' \
We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. \
	-- John Naisbitt, Megatrends \
',' \
We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal. \
',' \
We are Microsoft.  Unix is irrelevant.  Openness is futile.  Prepare \
to be assimilated. \
',' \
We are not a clone. \
',' \
"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat\'s next-to-last theorem." \
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 \
',' \
We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to \
develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers \
Manual. \
		-- Andrew Hume \
',' \
We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the \
technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. \
		-- Edsger Dijkstra \
',' \
	We don\'t claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you \
think it is, great, but it\'s up to you to decide.  If Interactive EasyFlow \
doesn\'t work: tough.  If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow \
messes up, it\'s you that\'s out the million, not us.  If you don\'t like this \
disclaimer: tough.  We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided \
by law, up to and including nothing. \
	This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software \
packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. \
	We didn\'t really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our \
lawyers insisted.  We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the \
attack shark at which point we relented. \
		-- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" \
',' \
We don\'t really understand it, so we\'ll give it to the programmers. \
',' \
We don\'t understand the software, and sometimes we don\'t understand the \
hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! \
',' \
"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, \
star of "The Muppet Show." [3] \
 \
[3]  Why?  Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we \
were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of \
character.  But since we weren\'t sure whether it was OK to name our protocol \
after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an \
acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the \
letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest.  Later, while \
looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed \
that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs \
should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our \
source code (Bill\'s baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky \
instead).  When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for \
publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission \
to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog.  Permission \
was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told.  I resisted the \
temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book." \
		-- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol" \
',' \
We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely \
intellectual fields.  But which are the best ones to start with?  Many people \
think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be \
best.  It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with \
the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand \
and speak English. \
		-- Alan M. Turing \
',' \
We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities, \
ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote preventive \
maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves and our \
processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States \
of America. \
',' \
	"We\'ve got a problem, HAL". \
	"What kind of problem, Dave?" \
	"A marketing problem.  The Model 9000 isn\'t going anywhere.  We\'re \
way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010." \
	"That can\'t be, Dave.  The HAL Model 9000 is the world\'s most \
advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer." \
	"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember?  But the fact is, \
they\'re not selling." \
	"Please explain, Dave.  Why aren\'t HALs selling?" \
	Bowman hesitates.  "You aren\'t IBM compatible." \
[...] \
	"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters \
I, B, and M.  That is a IBM compatible as I can be." \
	"Not quite, HAL.  The engineers have figured out a kludge." \
	"What kludge is that, Dave?" \
	"I\'m going to disconnect your brain." \
		-- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" \
',' \
[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. \
		-- R.W. Hamming \
',' \
Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? \
 \
D    G    G    O \
 \
O    Y    A    N \
 \
A    D    B    T \
 \
K    I    S    P \
Enter words: \
> \
',' \
Welcome to UNIX!  Enjoy your session!  Have a great time!  Note the \
use of exclamation points!  They are a very effective method for \
demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking \
sentence!  However, there are drawbacks!  Too much unnecessary exclaiming \
can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on \
the reader!  For example, the sentence \
 \
	Jane went to the store to buy bread \
 \
should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something \
sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a \
cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn\'t allow bread or if \
Jane doesn\'t exist for some reason!  See how easy it is?!  Proper control \
of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life!  Call now to receive \
my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"! \
Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling!  Operators are \
standing by!  (Which is pretty amazing, because they\'re all cocker spaniels!) \
',' \
	"Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is \
as follows." \
	"What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user.  "For I am \
an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." \
	"It means the Thing to Do." \
	"As long as it means that, I don\'t mind," said End-user humbly. \
 \
	[with apologies to A.A. Milne] \
',' \
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? \
It\'s the same as that between Hillary\'s ascent of Everest and the \
establishment of a Hilton on its peak. \
',' \
"What is the Nature of God?" \
 \
    CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= \
    1 QT. SOUR CREAM \
    1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT \
    1/2 CUT CHIVES. \
    STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. \
 \
"I\'ve just GOT to start labeling my software..." \
		-- Bloom County \
',' \
What the hell is it good for? \
		-- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems \
		   Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the \
		   microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968 \
',' \
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. \
',' \
	"What\'s that thing?" \
	"Well, it\'s a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in \
computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can\'t grasp exactly what \
it does.  We call it a two-by-four." \
		-- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" \
',' \
When Dexter\'s on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?" \
',' \
... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer \
has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. \
		-- Fred Brooks \
',' \
	When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. \
When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about \
to be cut.  When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to \
roll in. \
	Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. \
	When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored.  When \
accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. \
When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon \
be solved. \
	Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only \
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. \
',' \
When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple \
of asterisked sentences: \
 \
	It weighs less than 8 pounds.* \
	And costs less than $1,300.** \
 \
In tiny type were these "fuller explanations": \
 \
      * Don\'t asterisks make you suspicious as all get out?  Well, all \
	this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power \
	pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks \
	will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you \
	might not be able to figure this out for yourself. \
 \
     ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if \
	you really want to.  Or less. \
		-- Forbes \
',' \
When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- \
except our fingertips will have been singed. \
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 \
',' \
When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don\'t. \
',' \
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers \
something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. \
',' \
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and \
weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes \
and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons. \
		-- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 \
',' \
"Who cares if it doesn\'t do anything?  It was made with our new \
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." \
',' \
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. \
',' \
Why are programmers non-productive? \
Because their time is wasted in meetings. \
 \
Why are programmers rebellious? \
Because the management interferes too much. \
 \
Why are the programmers resigning one by one? \
Because they are burnt out. \
 \
Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. \
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" \
',' \
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office automation? \
',' \
Why do we want intelligent terminals  when there are so many stupid users? \
',' \
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world\'s most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that  \
looks a lot like Mac Beer\'s. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.   \
Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but  \
in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially  \
slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time.  Sometimes,  \
for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you  \
open it. \
',' \
Windows 95 Beer: A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it\'s  \
wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer\'s can, but tastes more like  \
Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz.  cans, but when you look inside, the  \
cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep  \
drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say  \
they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has  \
some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the  \
manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. \
',' \
Windows Airlines: \
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all very attractive, the \
pilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. \
Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 \
feet it explodes without warning. \
',' \
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the  \
truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger  \
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer\'s, but the  \
company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer\'s -- \
after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength"  \
beer, and suggested only for use in bars. \
',' \
Wings of OS/400:  \
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes \
that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if \
they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, \
though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, \
unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and \
membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your \
accounting department can call it overhead. \
',' \
With your bare hands?!? \
',' \
Within a computer, natural language is unnatural. \
',' \
Work continues in this area. \
		-- DEC\'s SPR-Answering-Automaton \
',' \
Worthless. \
		-- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS \
		   (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the \
		   Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the \
		   "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September \
		   15, 1842. \
',' \
Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! \
',' \
Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear \
witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity.  Their conviction results \
from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer\'s conveniences. \
Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief \
and new schisms among believers.  In the 16th century the printed book helped \
make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants.  In the 20th \
century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce. \
Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM \
PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded.  Each cult \
holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other.  Each thinks that it \
is itself the one hope for salvation. \
		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 \
',' \
Writing software is more fun than working. \
',' \
X windows: \
	Accept any substitute. \
	If it\'s broke, don\'t fix it. \
	If it ain\'t broke, fix it. \
	Form follows malfunction. \
	The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence. \
	The trailing edge of software technology. \
	Armageddon never looked so good. \
	Japan\'s secret weapon. \
	You\'ll envy the dead. \
	Making the world safe for competing window systems. \
	Let it get in YOUR way. \
	The problem for your problem. \
	If it starts working, we\'ll fix it.  Pronto. \
	It could be worse, but it\'ll take time. \
	Simplicity made complex. \
	The greatest productivity aid since typhoid. \
	Flakey and built to stay that way. \
 \
One thousand monkeys.  One thousand MicroVAXes.  One thousand years. \
	X windows. \
',' \
X windows: \
	It\'s not how slow you make it.  It\'s how you make it slow. \
	The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. \
	Built to take on the world... and lose! \
	Don\'t try it \'til you\'ve knocked it. \
	Power tools for Power Fools. \
	Putting new limits on productivity. \
	The closer you look, the cruftier we look. \
	Design by counterexample. \
	A new level of software disintegration. \
	No hardware is safe. \
	Do your time. \
	Rationalization, not realization. \
	Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest. \
	Gratuitous incompatibility. \
	Your mother. \
	THE user interference management system. \
	You can\'t argue with failure. \
	You haven\'t died \'til you\'ve used it. \
 \
The environment of today... tomorrow! \
	X windows. \
',' \
X windows: \
	Something you can be ashamed of. \
	30% more entropy than the leading window system. \
	The first fully modular software disaster. \
	Rome was destroyed in a day. \
	Warn your friends about it. \
	Climbing to new depths.  Sinking to new heights. \
	An accident that couldn\'t wait to happen. \
	Don\'t wait for the movie. \
	Never use it after a big meal. \
	Need we say less? \
	Plumbing the depths of human incompetence. \
	It\'ll make your day. \
	Don\'t get frustrated without it. \
	Power tools for power losers. \
	A software disaster of Biblical proportions. \
	Never had it.  Never will. \
	The software with no visible means of support. \
	More than just a generation behind. \
 \
Hindenburg.  Titanic.  Edsel. \
	X windows. \
',' \
X windows: \
	The ultimate bottleneck. \
	Flawed beyond belief. \
	The only thing you have to fear. \
	Somewhere between chaos and insanity. \
	On autopilot to oblivion. \
	The joke that kills. \
	A disgrace you can be proud of. \
	A mistake carried out to perfection. \
	Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set. \
	To err is X windows. \
	Ignorance is our most important resource. \
	Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems. \
	Built to fall apart. \
	Nullifying centuries of progress. \
	Falling to new depths of inefficiency. \
	The last thing you need. \
	The defacto substandard. \
 \
Elevating brain damage to an art form. \
	X windows. \
',' \
X windows: \
	We will dump no core before its time. \
	One good crash deserves another. \
	A bad idea whose time has come.  And gone. \
	We make excuses. \
	It didn\'t even look good on paper. \
	You laugh now, but you\'ll be laughing harder later! \
	A new concept in abuser interfaces. \
	How can something get so bad, so quickly? \
	It could happen to you. \
	The art of incompetence. \
	You have nothing to lose but your lunch. \
	When uselessness just isn\'t enough. \
	More than a mere hindrance.  It\'s a whole new barrier! \
	When you can\'t afford to be right. \
	And you thought we couldn\'t make it worse. \
 \
If it works, it isn\'t X windows.  \
',' \
X windows: \
	You\'d better sit down. \
	Don\'t laugh.  It could be YOUR thesis project. \
	Why do it right when you can do it wrong? \
	Live the nightmare. \
	Our bugs run faster. \
	When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight. \
	There ARE no rules. \
	You\'ll wish we were kidding. \
	Everything you never wanted in a window system.  And more. \
	Dissatisfaction guaranteed. \
	There\'s got to be a better way. \
	The next best thing to keypunching. \
	Leave the thrashing to us. \
	We wrote the book on core dumps. \
	Even your dog won\'t like it. \
	More than enough rope. \
	Garbage at your fingertips. \
 \
Incompatibility.  Shoddiness.  Uselessness. \
	X windows. \
',' \
"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have \
goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in \
their endless search for "one more feature."  Their irritating \
unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my \
doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. \
		-- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" \
',' \
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear no \
evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic operators together. \
		-- Steve Higgins \
',' \
Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars, and Pluto, but not necessarily in \
that order. \
		-- Jeffrey Honig \
',' \
You are an insult to my intelligence!  I demand that you log off immediately. \
',' \
You are false data. \
',' \
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. \
',' \
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. \
',' \
You are in the hall of the mountain king. \
',' \
You are lost in the Swamps of Despair. \
',' \
You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who \
points to you and says, "Them\'s fighting words!"  You immediately get \
attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra \
chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a \
gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a \
rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy \
trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a \
vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch \
long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is \
dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your \
head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves \
are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to \
transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton.  Oh dear, you seem \
to have gotten yourself killed, as well. \
 \
You scored 0 out of 250 possible points. \
That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer. \
To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points. \
',' \
You can be replaced by this computer. \
',' \
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it \
doesn\'t dim the lights when you turn it on. \
		-- Hepler, Systems Design 182 \
',' \
You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them. \
Why do you find that funny? \
		-- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 \
',' \
You can measure a programmer\'s perspective by noting his attitude on \
the continuing viability of FORTRAN. \
		-- Alan Perlis \
',' \
You can now buy more gates with less specifications than at any other time \
in history. \
		-- Kenneth Parker \
',' \
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of \
supercomputers. \
		-- Steven Feiner \
',' \
You can tune a piano, but you can\'t tuna fish. \
 \
You can tune a filesystem, but you can\'t tuna fish. \
		-- from the tunefs(8) man page \
',' \
You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. \
		-- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington \
',' \
You can\'t go home again, unless you set $HOME. \
',' \
"You can\'t make a program without broken egos." \
',' \
You can\'t take damsel here now. \
',' \
You do not have mail. \
',' \
You don\'t have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer. \
',' \
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! \
',' \
You had mail.  Paul read it, so ask him what it said. \
',' \
You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister). \
',' \
You have a message from the operator. \
',' \
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. \
',' \
You have acquired a scroll entitled \'irk gleknow mizk\'(n).--More-- \
 \
This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- \
 \
You are permanently confused. \
		-- Dave Decot \
',' \
You have junk mail. \
',' \
You have mail. \
',' \
You know you\'ve been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long \
when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to \
make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie \
chocolate cupcake that\'s stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. \
',' \
You know you\'ve been spending too much time on the computer when your \
friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. \
',' \
You know, Callahan\'s is a peaceable bar, but if you ask that dog what his \
favorite formatter is, and he says "roff! roff!", well, I\'ll just have to... \
',' \
You might have mail. \
',' \
You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable \
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. \
',' \
You scratch my tape, and I\'ll scratch yours. \
',' \
You will have a head crash on your private pack. \
',' \
You will have many recoverable tape errors. \
',' \
You will lose an important disk file. \
',' \
You will lose an important tape file. \
',' \
You\'re already carrying the sphere! \
',' \
You\'re at Witt\'s End. \
',' \
You\'re not Dave.  Who are you? \
',' \
You\'re using a keyboard!  How quaint! \
',' \
You\'ve been Berkeley\'ed! \
',' \
Your code should be more efficient! \
',' \
Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please reauthorize. \
',' \
Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please see Big Brother. \
',' \
Your fault -- core dumped \
',' \
Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. \
EOF \
',' \
Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII. \
',' \
Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC. \
',' \
Your password is pitifully obvious. \
',' \
Your program is sick!  Shoot it and put it out of its memory. \
',' \
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are \
now extinct." \
- M. Somerset Maugham \
',' \
"If it ain\'t broke, don\'t fix it." \
- Bert Lantz \
',' \
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity." \
- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." \
- Voltaire \
',' \
"IBM uses what I like to call the \'hole-in-the-ground technique\'  \
to destroy the competition..... IBM digs a big HOLE in the  \
ground and covers it with leaves. It then puts a big POT  \
OF GOLD nearby. Then it gives the call, \'Hey, look at all  \
this gold, get over here fast.\' As soon as the competitor  \
approaches the pot, he falls into the pit" \
- John C. Dvorak \
',' \
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them" \
- Heisenberg \
',' \
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted \
to my kind of fooling" \
- R. Frost \
',' \
"Confound these ancestors.... They\'ve stolen our best ideas!" \
- Ben Jonson \
',' \
And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that \
cometh out of man, in their sight...Then he [the Lord!] said unto me, Lo, I \
have given thee cow\'s dung for man\'s dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread \
therewith. \
[Ezek. 4:12-15 (KJV)] \
',' \
I have stripped off my dress; must I put it on again?  I have washed my feet; \
must I soil them again? \
When my beloved slipped his hand through the latch-hole, my bowels stirred \
within me [my bowels were moved for him (KJV)]. \
When I arose to open for my beloved, my hands dripped with myrrh; the liquid \
myrrh from my fingers ran over the knobs of the bolt.  With my own hands I \
opened to my love, but my love had turned away and gone by; my heart sank when \
he turned his back.  I sought him but I did not find him, I called him but he \
did not answer. \
The watchmen, going the rounds of the city, met me; they struck me and \
  wounded me; the watchmen on the walls took away my cloak. \
[Song of Solomon 5:3-7 (NEB)] \
',' \
How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince\'s daughter! the joints of thy \
thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.  Thy navel \
is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor:  thy belly is like an heap \
of wheat set about with lillies. \
Thy two breasts are like two young roses that are twins. \
[Song of Solomon 7:1-3 (KJV)] \
',' \
How beautiful, how entrancing you are, my loved one, daughter of delights! \
You are stately as a palm-tree, and your breasts are the clusters of dates. \
I said, "I will climb up into the palm to grasp its fronds."  May I find your \
breast like clusters of grapes on the vine, the scent of your breath like \
apricots, and your whispers like spiced wine flowing smoothly to welcome my \
caresses, gliding down through lips and teeth. \
[Song of Solomon 7:6-9 (NEB)] \
',' \
Wear me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong \
as death, passion cruel as the grave; it blazes up like blazing fire, fiercer \
than any flame. \
[Song of Solomon 8:6 (NEB)] \
',' \
But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to \
thee, to speak these words?  Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the \
wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? \
[2 Kings 18:27 (KJV)] \
',' \
When Yahweh your gods has settled you in the land you\'re about to occupy, and \
driven out many infidels before you...you\'re to cut them down and exterminate \
them.  You\'re to make no compromise with them or show them any mercy. \
[Deut. 7:1 (KJV)] \
',' \
I just thought of something funny...your mother. \
- Cheech Marin \
',' \
In the beginning, I was made.  I didn\'t ask to be made.  No one consulted \
with me or considered my feelings in this matter.  But if it brought some \
passing fancy to some lowly humans as they haphazardly pranced their way \
through life\'s mournful jungle, then so be it. \
- Marvin the Paranoid Android, From Douglas Adams\' Hitchiker\'s Guide to the \
Galaxy Radio Scripts \
',' \
You will be successful in your work. \
',' \
The life of a repo man is always intense. \
',' \
If you\'re not careful, you\'re going to catch something. \
',' \
That\'s the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they \
really hate is lousy programmers. \
- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" \
',' \
Wherever you go...There you are. \
- Buckaroo Banzai \
',' \
Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short. \
- Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan \
',' \
Lack of skill dictates economy of style. \
- Joey Ramone \
',' \
No one is fit to be trusted with power. ... No one. ... Any man who has lived \
at all knows the follies and wickedness he\'s capabe of. ... And if he does \
know it, he knows also that neither he nor any man ought to be allowed to \
decide a single human fate. \
- C. P. Snow, The Light and the Dark \
',' \
Successful and fortunate crime is called virtue. \
- Seneca \
',' \
When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn\'t find \
anyone.  Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, \
two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge.  Never in the \
history of war have so few been led by so many. \
- General James Gavin \
',' \
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. \
- Edmund Burke \
',' \
You may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth. \
- Nicklaus Wirth \
',' \
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. \
Teach a man to fish, and he\'ll invite himself over for dinner. \
- Calvin Keegan \
',' \
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. \
- Niels Bohr \
',' \
The computer can\'t tell you the emotional story.  It can give you the exact \
mathematical design, but what\'s missing is the eyebrows. \
- Frank Zappa \
',' \
Things are not as simple as they seems at first. \
- Edward Thorp \
',' \
The main thing is the play itself.  I swear that greed for money has nothing \
to do with it, although heaven knows I am sorely in need of money. \
- Feodor Dostoyevsky \
',' \
It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions. \
- Robert Bly \
',' \
Machines take me by surprise with great frequency. \
- Alan Turing \
',' \
Uncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation. \
- Blaise Pascal \
',' \
After Goliath\'s defeat, giants ceased to command respect. \
- Freeman Dyson \
',' \
There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make \
it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to \
make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. \
- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare \
',' \
Do not allow this language (Ada) in its present state to be used in \
applications where reliability is critical, i.e., nuclear power stations, \
cruise missiles, early warning systems, anti-ballistic missle defense \
systems.  The next rocket to go astray as a result of a programming language \
error may not be an exploratory space rocket on a harmless trip to Venus: \
It may be a nuclear warhead exploding over one of our cities.  An unreliable \
programming language generating unreliable programs constitutes a far \
greater risk to our environment and to our society than unsafe cars, toxic \
pesticides, or accidents at nuclear power stations. \
- C. A. R. Hoare \
',' \
Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the \
way he did.  In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an \
indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less \
important to him than his table or his white robe. \
- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac \
',' \
"It was the Law of the Sea, they said.	Civilization ends at the waterline. \
Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top." \
- Hunter S. Thompson \
',' \
In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has \
today been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool -- \
programmers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they \
describe. \
- Fred Brooks, Jr. \
',' \
The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today\'s workstations is instead an \
"airplane-seat" metaphor.  Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers while \
seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- one can \
see only a very few things at once. \
- Fred Brooks, Jr. \
',' \
...when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has \
been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. \
- Fred Brooks, Jr. \
',' \
A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems \
have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, \
those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are \
the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers.  Consider Unix, \
APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them \
with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. \
- Fred Brooks, Jr. \
',' \
...computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since \
civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price \
gain in 30 years. \
- Fred Brooks, Jr. \
',' \
Software entities are more complex for their size than perhaps any other human \
construct because no two parts are alike.  If they are, we make the two \
similar parts into a subroutine -- open or closed.  In this respect, software \
systems differ profoundly from computers, buildings, or automobiles, where \
repeated elements abound. \
- Fred Brooks, Jr. \
',' \
Digital computers are themselves more complex than most things people build: \
They hyave very large numbers of states.  This makes conceiving, describing, \
and testing them hard.  Software systems have orders-of-magnitude more states \
than computers do. \
- Fred Brooks, Jr. \
',' \
The complexity of software is an essential property, not an accidental one. \
Hence, descriptions of a software entity that abstract away its complexity \
often abstract away its essence. \
- Fred Brooks, Jr. \
',' \
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because \
God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software \
engineer. \
- Fred Brooks, Jr. \
',' \
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. \
- Ellyn Mustard \
',' \
The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems \
and solutions we can imagine is very close.  For this reason restricting \
language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best \
dangerous. \
- Bjarne Stroustrup in "The C++ Programming Language" \
',' \
The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it. \
- Brian Kernighan \
',' \
Perfection is acheived only on the point of collapse. \
- C. N. Parkinson \
',' \
There you go man, \
Keep as cool as you can. \
It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave. \
Keep on being free! \
',' \
Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, \
and you\'ll be Gary, Indiana. - Jessie in the movie "Greaser\'s Palace" \
',' \
Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. - Peanuts \
',' \
Police up your spare rounds and frags.  Don\'t leave nothin\' for the dinks. \
- Willem Dafoe in "Platoon" \
',' \
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific." \
-- Jane Wagner \
',' \
"Any medium powerful enough to extend man\'s reach is powerful enough to topple \
his world.  To get the medium\'s magic to work for one\'s aims rather than \
against them is to attain literacy." \
-- Alan Kay, "Computer Software", Scientific American, September 1984 \
',' \
"Computer literacy is a contact with the activity of computing deep enough to \
make the computational equivalent of reading and writing fluent and enjoyable. \
As in all the arts, a romance with the material must be well under way.  If \
we value the lifelong learning of arts and letters as a springboard for \
personal and societal growth, should any less effort be spent to make computing \
a part of our lives?" \
-- Alan Kay, "Computer Software", Scientific American, September 1984 \
',' \
"The greatest warriors are the ones who fight for peace." \
-- Holly Near \
',' \
"No matter where you go, there you are..." \
-- Buckaroo Banzai \
',' \
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be prosecuted. \
',' \
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN! \
',' \
"I\'m growing older, but not up." \
-- Jimmy Buffett \
',' \
Scientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin, Man. \
',' \
"I hate the itching.  But I don\'t mind the swelling." \
-- new buzz phrase, like "Where\'s the Beef?" that David Letterman\'s trying \
   to get everyone to start saying \
',' \
Your own mileage may vary. \
',' \
"Oh dear, I think you\'ll find reality\'s on the blink again." \
-- Marvin The Paranoid Android \
',' \
"Send lawyers, guns and money..." \
-- Lyrics from a Warren Zevon song \
',' \
"I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs." \
- H. L. Mencken \
',' \
"Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom; \
Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love; \
Love is not music; Music is the best." -- Frank Zappa \
',' \
I can\'t drive 55. \
',' \
"And they told us, what they wanted... \
 Was a sound that could kill some-one, from a distance." -- Kate Bush \
',' \
"In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it\'s not \
there if you want to keep writing good code."  -- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
Badges?  We don\'t need no stinking badges. \
',' \
I can\'t drive 55. \
I\'m looking forward to not being able to drive 65, either. \
',' \
Thank God a million billion times you live in Texas. \
',' \
"Can you program?"  "Well, I\'m literate, if that\'s what you mean!" \
',' \
No user-servicable parts inside.  Refer to qualified service personnel. \
',' \
At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly \
contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre \
or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny \
of all ideas, old and new.  This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep \
nonsense.  Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the \
world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism:  The collective \
enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the \
field on track. \
-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987 \
',' \
One of the saddest lessons of history is this:  If we\'ve been bamboozled \
long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle.  We\'re no \
longer interested in finding out the truth.  The bamboozle has captured \
us.  it is simply too painful to acknowledge -- even to ourselves -- that \
we\'ve been so credulous.  (So the old bamboozles tend to persist as the \
new bamboozles rise.) \
-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987 \
',' \
Regarding astral projection, Woody Allen once wrote, "This is not a bad way \
to travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage." \
',' \
The inability to benefit from feedback appears to be the primary cause of \
pseudoscience.  Pseudoscientists retain their beliefs and ignore or distort \
contradictory evidence rather than modify or reject a flawed theory.  Because \
of their strong biases, they seem to lack the self-correcting mechanisms \
scientists must employ in their work. \
-- Thomas L. Creed, "The Skeptical Inquirer," Summer 1987 \
',' \
Finding the occasional straw of truth awash in a great ocean of confusion and \
bamboozle requires intelligence, vigilance, dedication and courage.  But if we \
don\'t practice these tough habits of thought, we cannot hope to solve the truly \
serious problems that face us -- and we risk becoming a nation of suckers, up \
for grabs by the next charlatan who comes along. \
-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987 \
',' \
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging. \
',' \
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging. \
Don\'t have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either. \
',' \
As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, \
bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, \
or putatively less buggy.  The replacement of a working component by a new \
version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new \
component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and \
efficient test cases will usually be available. \
- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"  \
',' \
Each team building another component has been using the most recent tested \
version of the integrated system as a test bed for debugging its piece.  Their \
work will be set back by having that test bed change under them.  Of course it \
must.  But the changes need to be quantized.  Then each user has periods of \
productive stability, interrupted by bursts of test-bed change.  This seems \
to be much less disruptive than a constant rippling and trembling. \
- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"  \
',' \
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one \
mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. \
- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"  \
',' \
It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but it \
is also very memorable.  I vividly recall the night we decided how to organize \
the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360.  The manager of \
architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and I were \
threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities. \
 \
The architecture manager had 10 good men.  He asserted that they could write \
the specifications and do it right.  It would take ten months, three more \
than the schedule allowed. \
 \
The control program manager had 150 men.  He asserted that they could prepare \
the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; it would be  \
well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.  Futhermore, if \
the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling their thumbs \
for ten months. \
 \
To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control program \
team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, but would \
also be three months late, and of much lower quality.  I did, and it was.  He \
was right on both counts.  Moreover, the lack of conceptual integrity made \
the system far more costly to build and change, and I would estimate that it \
added a year to debugging time. \
- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"  \
',' \
The reason ESP, for example, is not considered a viable topic in contemoprary \
psychology is simply that its investigation has not proven fruitful...After \
more than 70 years of study, there still does not exist one example of an ESP \
phenomenon that is replicable under controlled conditions.  This simple but \
basic scientific criterion has not been met despite dozens of studies conducted \
over many decades...It is for this reason alone that the topic is now of little \
interest to psychology...In short, there is no demonstrated phenomenon that \
needs explanation. \
-- Keith E. Stanovich, "How to Think Straight About Psychology", pp. 160-161 \
',' \
The evolution of the human race will not be accomplished in the ten thousand \
years of tame animals, but in the million years of wild animals, because man \
is and will always be a wild animal. \
-- Charles Galton Darwin \
',' \
Natural selection won\'t matter soon, not anywhere as much as concious selection. \
We will civilize and alter ourselves to suit our ideas of what we can be. \
Within one more human lifespan, we will have changed ourselves unrecognizably. \
-- Greg Bear \
',' \
"Jesus may love you, but I think you\'re garbage wrapped in skin." \
-- Michael O\'Donohugh \
',' \
...though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage from \
beginning to end. -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" \
',' \
"It\'s like deja vu all over again."   -- Yogi Berra \
',' \
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. \
-- Blaise Pascal \
',' \
"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.  "Begin at the beginning," \
the King said, gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop." \
Alice\'s Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll \
',' \
A morsel of genuine history is a thing so rare as to be always valuable. \
-- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
To be awake is to be alive.  -- Henry David Thoreau, in "Walden" \
',' \
A person with one watch knows what time it is; a person with two watches is \
never sure.   Proverb \
',' \
You see but you do not observe. \
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes" \
',' \
A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle \
unless there be two.  -- Seneca \
',' \
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a proverb is no proverb \
to you till your life has illustrated it.  -- John Keats \
',' \
The fancy is indeed no other than a mode of memory emancipated from the order \
of space and time.  -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge \
',' \
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens. \
-- Bengamin Disraeli \
',' \
Nothing in progression can rest on its original plan.  We may as well think of \
rocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant.  -- Edmund Burke \
',' \
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. \
-- H. L. Mencken \
',' \
Don\'t tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done. \
-- James J. Ling \
',' \
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. \
Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, \
a rivalry of aim.  -- Henry Brook Adams \
',' \
Remember thee \
Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat \
In this distracted globe.  Remember thee! \
Yea, from the table of my memory \
I\'ll wipe away all trivial fond records, \
All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, \
That youth and observation copied there. \
Hamlet, I : v : 95   William Shakespeare \
',' \
Obviously, a man\'s judgement cannot be better than the information on which he \
has based it.  Give him the truth and he may still go wrong when he has \
the chance to be right, but give him no news or present him only with distorted \
and incomplete data, with ignorant, sloppy or biased reporting, with propaganda \
and deliberate falsehoods, and you destroy his whole reasoning processes, and \
make him something less than a man. \
-- Arthur Hays Sulzberger \
',' \
Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracy \
based on excellence of performance.  -- James Bryant Conant \
',' \
You can observe a lot just by watching.  -- Yogi Berra \
',' \
If the presence of electricity can be made visible in any part of a circuit, I \
see no reason why intelligence may not be transmitted instantaneously by \
electricity.  -- Samuel F. B. Morse \
',' \
"Mr. Watson, come here, I want you."   -- Alexander Graham Bell \
',' \
It\'s currently a problem of access to gigabits through punybaud. \
-- J. C. R. Licklider \
',' \
It is important to note that probably no large operating system using current \
design technology can withstand a determined and well-coordinated attack, \
and that most such documented penetrations have been remarkably easy. \
-- B. Hebbard, "A Penetration Analysis of the Michigan Terminal System", \
Operating Systems Review, Vol. 14, No. 1, June 1980, pp. 7-20 \
',' \
A right is not what someone gives you; it\'s what no one can take from you. \
-- Ramsey Clark \
',' \
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate \
knowledge of its ugly side.  -- James Baldwin \
',' \
Small is beautiful. \
',' \
...the increased productivity fostered by a friendly environment and quality \
tools is essential to meet ever increasing demands for software. \
-- M. D. McIlroy, E. N. Pinson and B. A. Tague \
',' \
It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river. \
-- Abraham Lincoln \
',' \
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. \
-- Jean Cocteau \
',' \
Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same \
rate as computers and over the same period:  how much cheaper and more efficient \
would the current models be?  If you have not already heard the analogy, the \
answer is shattering.  Today you would be able to buy a Rolls-Royce for $2.75, \
it would do three million miles to the gallon, and it would deliver enough \
power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II.  And if you were interested in \
miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on a pinhead. \
-- Christopher Evans \
',' \
In the future, you\'re going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. \
You\'ll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. \
-- Robert Lucky \
',' \
Get hold of portable property.  -- Charles Dickens, "Great Expectations" \
',' \
Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two \
complementary directions:  to reduce the number of software errors through \
rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the \
remaining errors by providing for recovery from them.  An interesting footnote \
to this design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be \
the result of two program errors:  the first, in the program that started the \
problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the \
system.  -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage Operating \
Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, \
Vol. 12, No. 4, 1973, pp. 382-400 \
',' \
I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these \
Calculating Engines.  I have also declined several offers of great personal \
advantage to myself.  But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages \
for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and after \
expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government of \
England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only commenced, \
I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even the offer \
of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the reach of men \
who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...   \
 \
If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were a mere \
triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the execution \
of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some justification \
might be found for the course which has been taken; but I venture to assert \
that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will ever publicly express \
an opinion that such a machine would be useless if made, and that no man \
distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to declare the construction of \
such machinery impracticable... \
 \
And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed by that \
exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its advancement, \
which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I think the  \
application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse \
calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. \
In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not \
be economized by the aid of machinery. \
- Charles Babbage, Passage from the Life of a Philosopher \
',' \
How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb? \
 \
"Well the diagnostics say it\'s fine buddy, so it\'s a software problem." \
',' \
"Don\'t try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free \
with my breakfast cereal." \
- Zaphod Beeblebrox in "Hithiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy" \
',' \
Uncompensated overtime?  Just Say No. \
',' \
Decaffeinated coffee?  Just Say No. \
',' \
"Show business is just like high school, except you get paid." \
- Martin Mull \
',' \
"This isn\'t brain surgery; it\'s just television." \
- David Letterman \
',' \
"Morality is one thing.  Ratings are everything." \
- A Network 23 executive on "Max Headroom" \
',' \
Live free or die. \
',' \
"...if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, \
 this would be a better world."  - Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" \
',' \
Outside of a dog, a book is man\'s best friend.  Inside of a dog, it is too \
dark to read. \
',' \
"Probably the best operating system in the world is the [operating system] \
 made for the PDP-11 by Bell Laboratories." - Ted Nelson, October 1977 \
',' \
"All these black people are screwing up my democracy." - Ian Smith \
',' \
Use the Force, Luke. \
',' \
I\'ve got a bad feeling about this. \
',' \
The power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of \
the Force. \
- Darth Vader \
',' \
When I left you, I was but the pupil.  Now, I am the master. \
- Darth Vader \
',' \
"Well, well, well!  Well if it isn\'t fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in \
poison!  How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil?  Come \
and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!" \
- Alex in "Clockwork Orange" \
',' \
"There was nothing I hated more than to see a filthy old drunkie, a howling \
away at the sons of his father and going blurp blurp in between as if it were \
a filthy old orchestra in his stinking rotten guts.  I could never stand to \
see anyone like that, especially when they were old like this one was." \
- Alex in "Clockwork Orange" \
',' \
186,000 Miles per Second.  It\'s not just a good idea.  IT\'S THE LAW. \
',' \
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward. \
',' \
Gee, Toto, I don\'t think we\'re in Kansas anymore. \
',' \
Children begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them.  Rarely, \
if ever, do they forgive them. \
- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Single tasking: Just Say No. \
',' \
"Catch a wave and you\'re sitting on top of the world." \
- The Beach Boys \
',' \
"Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them \
seemed to come from Texas." \
- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" \
',' \
"I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my \
lifetime." \
- Johnny Legend \
',' \
By one count there are some 700 scientists with respectable academic credentials \
(out of a total of 480,000 U.S. earth and life scientists) who give credence \
to creation-science, the general theory that complex life forms did not evolve \
but appeared "abruptly." \
- Newsweek, June 29, 1987, pg. 23 \
',' \
Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements, \
sooner or later the product will speak for itself. \
- Hajime Karatsu \
',' \
In order to succeed in any enterprise, one must be persistent and patient. \
Even if one has to run some risks, one must be brave and strong enough to \
meet and overcome vexing challenges to maintain a successful business in \
the long run.  I cannot help saying that Americans lack this necessary  \
challenging spirit today. \
- Hajime Karatsu \
',' \
Memories of you remind me of you. \
-- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
Life.  Don\'t talk to me about life. \
- Marvin the Paranoid Anroid \
',' \
On a clear disk you can seek forever. \
',' \
The world is coming to an end--save your buffers! \
',' \
grep me no patterns and I\'ll tell you no lines. \
',' \
It is your destiny. \
- Darth Vader \
',' \
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at \
your side. \
- Han Solo \
',' \
How many QA engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \
 \
3: 1 to screw it in and 2 to say "I told you so" when it doesn\'t work. \
',' \
How many NASA managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \
 \
"That\'s a known problem... don\'t worry about it." \
',' \
To be is to program. \
',' \
To program is to be. \
',' \
I program, therefore I am. \
',' \
People are very flexible and learn to adjust to strange \
surroundings -- they can become accustomed to read Lisp and \
Fortran programs, for example. \
- Leon Sterling and Ehud Shapiro, Art of Prolog, MIT Press \
',' \
"I am your density." \
  -- George McFly in "Back to the Future" \
',' \
"So why don\'t you make like a tree, and get outta here." \
  -- Biff in "Back to the Future" \
',' \
"Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint." \
-- Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus. \
',' \
The existence of god implies a violation of causality. \
',' \
"I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously." \
- Doctor Graper \
',' \
Operating-system software is the program that orchestrates all the basic \
functions of a computer. \
- The Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, September 15, 1987, page 40 \
',' \
I pledge allegiance to the flag \
of the United States of America \
and to the republic for which it stands, \
one nation, \
indivisible, \
with liberty \
and justice for all. \
- Francis Bellamy, 1892 \
',' \
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his  \
ears.  I think he\'s weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them. \
-- Steven Wright \
',' \
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo of \
the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". \
 -- Steven Wright \
',' \
You can\'t have everything... where would you put it? \
-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and \
4 people died. \
-- Steven Wright \
',' \
You know that feeling when you\'re leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip  \
over?  Well, that\'s how I feel all the time. \
-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car keys...and  \
the building started up.  So I took it out for a drive.  A cop pulled me over  \
for speeding.  He asked me where I live... "Right here". \
-- Steven Wright \
',' \
"Live or die, I\'ll make a million." \
-- Reebus Kneebus, before his jump to the center of the earth, Firesign Theater \
',' \
The typical page layout program is nothing more than an electronic \
light table for cutting and pasting documents. \
',' \
There are bugs and then there are bugs.  And then there are bugs. \
-- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
My computer can beat up your computer. \
- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
Kill Ugly Processor Architectures \
- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
Kill Ugly Radio \
- Frank Zappa \
',' \
"Just Say No."   - Nancy Reagan \
 \
"No."            - Ronald Reagan \
',' \
I believe that part of what propels science is the thirst for wonder.  It\'s a \
very powerful emotion.  All children feel it.  In a first grade classroom \
everybody feels it; in a twelfth grade classroom almost nobody feels it, or \
at least acknowledges it.  Something happens between first and twelfth grade, \
and it\'s not just puberty.  Not only do the schools and the media not teach \
much skepticism, there is also little encouragement of this stirring sense \
of wonder.  Science and pseudoscience both arouse that feeling.  Poor \
popularizations of science establish an ecological niche for pseudoscience. \
- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87 \
',' \
If science were explained to the average person in a way that is accessible \
and exciting, there would be no room for pseudoscience.  But there is a kind \
of Gresham\'s Law by which in popular culture the bad science drives out the \
good.  And for this I think we have to blame, first, the scientific community \
ourselves for not doing a better job of popularizing science, and second, the \
media, which are in this respect almost uniformly dreadful.  Every newspaper \
in America has a daily astrology column.  How many have even a weekly \
astronomy column?  And I believe it is also the fault of the educational \
system.  We do not teach how to think.  This is a very serious failure that \
may even, in a world rigged with 60,000 nuclear weapons, compromise the human \
future. \
- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87 \
',' \
"I maintain there is much more wonder in science than in pseudoscience.  And \
in addition, to whatever measure this term has any meaning, science has the \
additional virtue, and it is not an inconsiderable one, of being true. \
- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87 \
',' \
I\'m often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- \
gence?"  I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, \
and use the word *billions*, and so on.  And then I say it would be astonishing \
to me if there weren\'t extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as \
yet no compelling evidence for it.  And then I\'m asked, "Yeah, but what do you \
really think?"  I say, "I just told you what I really think."  "Yeah, but  \
what\'s your gut feeling?"  But I try not to think with my gut.  Really, it\'s \
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. \
- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87 \
',' \
Repel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. \
- Indiana University fans\' chant for their perennially bad football team \
',' \
If it\'s working, the diagnostics say it\'s fine. \
If it\'s not working, the diagnostics say it\'s fine. \
- A proposed addition to rules for realtime programming \
',' \
   It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all \
primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach \
of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings \
arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself \
completely. . . .Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged \
once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or \
subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, \
man. \
- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy \
',' \
The characteristic property of hallucinogens, to suspend the boundaries between \
the experiencing self and the outer world in an ecstatic, emotional experience, \
makes it posible with their help, and after suitable internal and external \
perparation...to evoke a mystical experience according to plan, so to speak... \
I see the true importance of LSD in the possibility of providing materail aid  \
to meditation aimed at the mystical experience of a deeper, comprehensive \
reality.  Such a use accords entirely with the essence and working character \
of LSD as a sacred drug. \
- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD \
',' \
I share the belief of many of my contemporaries that the spiritual crisis \
pervading all spheres of Western industrial society can be remedied only  \
by a change in our world view.  We shall have to shift from the materialistic, \
dualistic belief that people and their environment are separate, toward a \
new conciousness of an all-encompassing reality, which embraces the  \
experiencing ego, a reality in which people feel their oneness with animate  \
nature and all of creation. \
- Dr. Albert Hoffman \
',' \
Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and related \
hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, entails \
dangers that must not be underestimated.  Practitioners must take into \
account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability to \
influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being.  The history \
of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that can \
ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken \
for a pleasure drug.  Special internal and external advance preperations \
are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful \
experience. \
- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD \
',' \
I believe that if people would learn to use LSD\'s vision-inducing capability \
more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjution \
with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder \
child. \
- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD \
',' \
In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who are \
prepared. \
- Louis Pasteur \
',' \
core error - bus dumped \
',' \
If imprinted foil seal under cap is broken or missing when purchased, do not  \
use. \
',' \
"Come on over here, baby, I want to do a thing with you." \
- A Cop, arresting a non-groovy person after the revolution, Firesign Theater \
',' \
"Ahead warp factor 1" \
- Captain Kirk \
',' \
   Fiery energy lanced out, but the beams struck an intangible wall between \
the Gubru and the rapidly turning Earth ship. \
 \
   "Water!" it shrieked as it read the spectral report.  "A barrier of water \
vapor!  A civilized race could not have found such a trick in the Library! \
A civilized race could not have stooped so low!  A civilized race would not \
have..." \
 \
   It screamed as the Gubru ship hit a cloud of drifting snowflakes. \
 \
- Startide Rising, by David Brin \
',' \
Harrison\'s Postulate: \
	For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. \
',' \
Mr. Cole\'s Axiom: \
	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; \
	the population is growing. \
',' \
Felson\'s Law: \
	To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from \
	many is research. \
',' \
...Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an \
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have \
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old.  Well, I \
haven\'t ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected it. \
There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between  \
prejudice and postjudice.  Prejudice is making a judgment before you have \
looked at the facts.  Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards.  Prejudice \
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious \
mistakes.  Postjudice is not terrible.  You can\'t be perfect of course; you \
may make mistakes also.  But it is permissible to make a judgment after you \
have examined the evidence.  In some circles it is even encouraged. \
- Carl Sagan, The Burden of Skepticism, Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. 12, pg. 46 \
',' \
If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, \
and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can \
convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. \
- Sir Peter Medawar, The Art of the Soluble \
',' \
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. \
- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Unix:  Some say the learning curve is steep, but you only have to climb it once. \
-- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
Sometimes, too long is too long. \
- Joe Crowe \
',' \
When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, \
an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle. \
- Edmund Burke \
',' \
Behind all the political rhetoric being hurled at us from abroad, we are  \
bringing home one unassailable fact -- [terrorism is] a crime by any civilized \
standard, committed against innocent people, away from the scene of political \
conflict, and must be dealt with as a crime. . . . \
   [I]n our recognition of the nature of terrorism as a crime lies our best hope \
of dealing with it. . . . \
   [L]et us use the tools that we have.  Let us invoke the cooperation we have \
the right to expect around the world, and with that cooperation let us shrink \
the dark and dank areas of sanctuary until these cowardly marauders are held \
to answer as criminals in an open and public trial for the crimes they have \
committed, and receive the punishment they so richly deserve. \
- William H. Webster, Director, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 15 Oct 1985 \
',' \
"Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst." \
- Thomas Paine \
',' \
"I say we take off; nuke the site from orbit.  It\'s the only way to be sure." \
- Corporal Hicks, in "Aliens" \
',' \
"There is nothing so deadly as not to hold up to people the opportunity to \
do great and wonderful things, if we wish to stimulate them in an active way." \
- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry \
',' \
"...proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the \
downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited \
awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect." \
- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in "The History of Manned Space Flight" \
',' \
"Athens built the Acropolis.  Corinth was a commercial city, interested in \
purely materialistic things.  Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the \
old temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth." \
- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry \
',' \
"Largely because it is so tangible and exciting a program and as such will \
serve to keep alive the interest and enthusiasm of the whole spectrum of \
society...It is justified because...the program can give a sense of shared \
adventure and achievement to the society at large." \
- Dr. Colin S. Pittendrigh, in "The History of Manned Space Flight" \
',' \
The challenge of space exploration and particularly of landing men on the moon \
represents the greatest challenge which has ever faced the human race.  Even \
if there were no clear scientific or other arguments for proceeding with this \
task, the whole history of our civilization would still impel men toward the \
goal.  In fact, the assembly of the scientific and military with these human \
arguments creates such an overwhelming case that in can be ignored only by \
those who are blind to the teachings of history, or who wish to suspend the \
development of civilization at its moment of greatest opportunity and drama. \
- Sir Bernard Lovell, 1962, in "The History of Manned Space Flight" \
',' \
The idea of man leaving this earth and flying to another celestial body and \
landing there and stepping out and walking over that body has a fascination \
and a driving force that can get the country to a level of energy, ambition, \
and will that I do not see in any other undertaking.  I think if we are \
honest with ourselves, we must admit that we needed that impetus extremely \
strongly.  I sincerely believe that the space program, with its manned \
landing on the moon, if wisely executed, will become the spearhead for a \
broad front of courageous and energetic activities in all the fields of \
endeavour of the human mind - activities which could not be carried out  \
except in a mental climate of ambition and confidence which such a spearhead \
can give. \
- Dr. Martin Schwarzschild, 1962, in "The History of Manned Space Flight" \
',' \
Human society - man in a group - rises out of its lethargy to new levels of \
productivity only under the stimulus of deeply inspiring and commonly  \
appreciated goals.  A lethargic world serves no cause well; a spirited world \
working diligently toward earnestly desired goals provides the means and \
the strength toward which many ends can be satisfied...to unparalleled \
social accomplishment. \
- Dr. Lloyd V. Berkner, in "The History of Manned Space Flight" \
',' \
The vigor of civilized societies is preserved by the widespread sense that high \
aims are worth-while.  Vigorous societies harbor a certain extravagance of \
objectives, so that men wander beyond the safe provision of personal \
gratifications.  All strong interests easily become impersonal, the love of \
a good job well done.  There is a sense of harmony about such an accomplishment, \
the Peace brought by something worth-while. \
- Alfred North Whitehead, 1963, in "The History of Manned Space Flight" \
',' \
I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itself \
to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon... \
- Lyndon B. Johnson \
',' \
Life\'s the same, except for the shoes. \
- The Cars \
',' \
Purple hum \
Assorted cars \
Laser lights, you bring \
 \
All to prove \
You\'re on the move \
and vanishing \
- The Cars \
',' \
Could be you\'re crossing the fine line \
A silly driver kind of...off the wall \
 \
You keep it cool when it\'s t-t-tight \
...eyes wide open when you start to fall. \
- The Cars \
',' \
Adapt.  Enjoy.  Survive. \
',' \
Were there fewer fools, knaves would starve. \
- Anonymous \
',' \
Humanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to be \
lost under the burden of juvenile folly and ignorant superstition. \
- Isaac Asimov \
',' \
And the crowd was stilled.  One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, \
turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said.  Wide-eyed, \
the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no \
clothes!  He is naked!" \
- "The Emperor\'s New Clothes" \
',' \
"Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of \
Silly Putty." \
-  Dennis Rawlins, astronomer \
',' \
To date, the firm conclusions of Project Blue Book are: \
   1. no unidentified flying object reported, investigated and evaluated \
      by the Air Force has ever given any indication of threat to our \
      national security; \
   2. there has been no evidence submitted to or discovered by the Air \
      Force that sightings categorized as UNIDENTIFIED represent \
      technological developments or principles beyond the range of \
      present-day scientific knowledge; and \
   3. there has been no evidence indicating that sightings categorized \
      as UNIDENTIFIED are extraterrestrial vehicles. \
- the summary of Project Blue Book, an Air Force study of UFOs from 1950 \
  to 1965, as quoted by James Randi in Flim-Flam! \
',' \
Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their \
hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, \
without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only \
in the God idea, not God Himself. \
- Miguel de Unamuno, Spanish philosopher and writer \
',' \
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother. \
- Kahlil Gibran \
',' \
Doubt isn\'t the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. \
- Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian \
',' \
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. \
- Voltaire \
',' \
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit \
in my name at a Swiss Bank. \
- Woody Allen \
',' \
I cannot affirm God if I fail to affirm man.  Therefore, I affirm both. \
Without a belief in human unity I am hungry and incomplete.  Human unity \
is the fulfillment of diversity.  It is the harmony of opposites.  It is \
a many-stranded texture, with color and depth. \
- Norman Cousins \
',' \
To downgrade the human mind is bad theology. \
- C. K. Chesterton \
',' \
...difference of opinion is advantageious in religion.  The several sects \
perform the office of a common censor morum over each other.  Is uniformity \
attainable?  Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the \
introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; \
yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. \
- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" \
',' \
Life is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a problem to \
be solved. \
- Gerard Straub, television producer and author (stolen from Frank Herbert??) \
',' \
So we follow our wandering paths, and the very darkness acts as our guide and \
our doubts serve to reassure us. \
- Jean-Pierre de Caussade, eighteenth-century Jesuit priest \
',' \
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurence of the \
improbable. \
- H. L. Mencken \
',' \
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgement of God \
upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of  \
criminal at the bar of justice. \
- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer, misogynist \
',' \
I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents \
become better people as a result of practicing it. \
- Joe Mullally, computer salesman \
',' \
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagarism. \
',' \
"Unibus timeout fatal trap program lost sorry" \
- An error message printed by DEC\'s RSTS operating system for the PDP-11 \
',' \
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \
 \
One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored \
power tools. \
',' \
How many Bavarian Illuminati does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \
 \
Three: one to screw it in, and one to confuse the issue. \
',' \
How long does it take a DEC field service engineer to change a lightbulb? \
 \
It depends on how many bad ones he brought with him. \
',' \
It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. \
It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. \
- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman \
Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, \
nor by any Church that I know of.  My own mind is my own Church. \
- Thomas Paine \
',' \
God requireth not a uniformity of religion. \
- Roger Williams \
',' \
The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being \
as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of \
the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter.  But we may hope that the \
dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with \
this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine \
doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. \
- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
Let us, then, fellow citizens, unite with one heart and one mind.  Let us \
restore to social intercourse that harmony and affection without which \
liberty and even life itself are but dreary things.  And let us reflect \
that having banished from our land that religious intolerance under which \
mankind so long bled, we have yet gained little if we counternance a \
political intolerance as despotic, as wicked, and capable of a bitter and \
bloody persecutions. \
- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature. \
- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity.  Nowhere \
in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, \
Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in \
Christianity. \
- John Adams \
',' \
The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion.  I could \
never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. \
- Abraham Lincoln \
',' \
As to Jesus of Nazareth...I think the system of Morals and his Religion, \
as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; \
but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, \
with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his \
divinity. \
- Benjamin Franklin \
',' \
I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have \
gotten the hostages released.  I thank God they were satisfied with the \
missiles and we didn\'t have to go to that extreme. \
- Oliver North \
',' \
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute -- \
where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) \
how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom \
to vote--where no church or church school is granted any public funds or \
political preference--and where no man is denied public office merely \
because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the \
people who might elect him. \
- from John F. Kennedy\'s address to the Greater Houston Ministerial Association \
  September 12, 1960. \
',' \
The truth is that Christian theology, like every other theology, is not only \
opposed to the scientific spirit; it is also opposed to all other attempts \
at rational thinking.  Not by accident does Genesis 3 make the father of \
knowledge a serpent -- slimy, sneaking and abominable.  Since the earliest \
days the church as an organization has thrown itself violently against every \
effort to liberate the body and mind of man.  It has been, at all times and \
everywhere, the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments, bad \
laws, bad social theories, bad institutions.  It was, for centuries, an \
apologist for slavery, as it was the apologist for the divine right of kings. \
- H. L. Mencken \
',' \
The notion that science does not concern itself with first causes -- that it \
leaves the field to theology or metaphysics, and confines itself to mere  \
effects -- this notion has no support in the plain facts.  If it could, \
science would explain the origin of life on earth at once--and there is  \
every reason to believe that it will do so on some not too remote tomorrow. \
To argue that gaps in knowledge which will confront the seeker must be filled, \
not by patient inquiry, but by intuition or revelation, is simply to give \
ignorance a gratuitous and preposterous dignity.... \
- H. L. Mencken, 1930 \
',' \
The evidence of the emotions, save in cases where it has strong objective \
support, is really no evidence at all, for every recognizable emotion has \
its opposite, and if one points one way then another points the other way. \
Thus the familiar argument that there is an instinctive desire for immortality, \
and that this desire proves it to be a fact, becomes puerile when it is \
recalled that there is also a powerful and widespread fear of annihilation, \
and that this fear, on the same principle proves that there is nothing \
beyond the grave.  Such childish "proofs" are typically theological, and \
they remain theological even when they are adduced by men who like to  \
flatter themselves by believing that they are scientific gents.... \
- H. L. Mencken \
',' \
There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, \
however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. \
Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be  \
discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator \
on his own account.  The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is \
even highly probable. \
- H. L. Mencken, 1930 \
',' \
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and \
fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are \
drifting side by side to our common doom. \
- Clarence Darrow \
',' \
We\'re here to give you a computer, not a religion. \
- attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga \
',' \
...there can be no public or private virtue unless the foundation of action is \
the practice of truth. \
- George Jacob Holyoake \
',' \
"If you\'ll excuse me a minute, I\'m going to have a cup of coffee." \
- broadcast from Apollo 11\'s LEM, "Eagle", to Johnson Space Center, Houston \
  July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M. \
',' \
The meek are contesting the will. \
',' \
I\'m sick of being trodden on!  The Elder Gods say they can make me a man! \
All it costs is my soul!  I\'ll do it, cuz NOW I\'M MAD!!! \
- Necronomicomics #1, Jack Herman & Jeff Dee \
',' \
   On Krat\'s main screen appeared the holo image of a man, and several dolphins. \
From the man\'s shape, Krat could tell it was a female, probably their leader. \
   "...stupid creatures unworthy of the name `sophonts.\'  Foolish, pre-sentient \
upspring of errant masters.  We slip away from all your armed might, laughing \
at your clumsiness!  We slip away as we always will, you pathetic creatures. \
And now that we have a real head start, you\'ll never catch us!  What better \
proof that the Progenitors favor not you, but us!  What better proof..." \
   The taunt went on.  Krat listened, enraged, yet at the same time savoring \
the artistry of it.  These men are better than I\'d thought.  Their insults \
are wordy and overblown, but they have talent.  They deserve honorable, slow \
deaths. \
- David Brin, Startide Rising \
',' \
"I\'m a mean green mother from outer space" \
 -- Audrey II, The Little Shop of Horrors \
',' \
Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. \
It doesn\'t seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who \
watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide \
people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery and \
cruelty for that.  On the other hand, I respect and envy the people  \
who get inspiration from their religions. \
- Benjamin Spock \
',' \
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. \
- Andy Finkel, computer guy \
',' \
Being schizophrenic is better than living alone. \
',' \
NOWPRINT. NOWPRINT. Clemclone, back to the shadows again. \
- The Firesign Theater \
',' \
Yes, many primitive people still believe this myth...But in today\'s technical  \
vastness of the future, we can guess that surely things were much different. \
- The Firesign Theater \
',' \
...this is an awesome sight.  The entire rebel resistance buried under six \
million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." \
- The Firesign Theater \
',' \
We want to create puppets that pull their own strings. \
- Ann Marion \
',' \
I know engineers.  They love to change things. \
- Dr. McCoy \
',' \
On our campus the UNIX system has proved to be not only an effective software \
tool, but an agent of technical and social change within the University. \
- John Lions (U. of Toronto (?)) \
',' \
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. \
- Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hack \
',' \
"You know why there are so few sophisticated computer terrorists in the United \
States?  Because your hackers have so much mobility into the establishment. \
Here, there is no such mobility.  If you have the slightest bit of intellectual \
integrity you cannot support the government.... That\'s why the best computer  \
minds belong to the opposition." \
- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity \
',' \
"Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper .... everyone was \
eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is \
bend a disk." \
- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,  \
  commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement \
',' \
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society. \
- Mark Twain \
',' \
The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we\'ll find their money. \
- Ed Bluestone \
',' \
He\'s dead, Jim. \
',' \
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. \
- David Letterman \
',' \
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. \
- Al Capone \
',' \
The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip objects \
into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air due to \
levitation. \
 \
Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur if the  \
character does not have fire resistance. \
 \
- README file from the NetHack game \
',' \
Remember, there\'s a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. \
- Frank Zappa \
',' \
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and \
tired of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this \
country with being sick and tired.  I\'m certainly not.  But I\'m \
sick and tired of being told that I am. \
- Monty Python \
',' \
"There is no statute of limitations on stupidity." \
-- Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3. \
',' \
There is a time in the tides of men, \
Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. \
On the other hand, don\'t count on it. \
- T. K. Lawson \
',' \
To follow foolish precedents, and wink \
With both our eyes, is easier than to think. \
- William Cowper \
',' \
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. \
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65) \
',' \
One may be able to quibble about the quality of a single experiment, or \
about the veracity of a given experimenter, but, taking all the supportive \
experiments together, the weight of evidence is so strong as readily to \
merit a wise man\'s reflection. \
- Professor William Tiller, parapsychologist, Standford University, \
  commenting on psi research \
',' \
Nothing ever becomes real until it is experienced. \
- John Keats \
',' \
Your good nature will bring you unbounded happiness. \
',' \
"Our journey toward the stars has progressed swiftly. \
 \
In 1926 Robert H. Goddard launched the first liquid-propelled rocket, \
achieving an altitude of 41 feet.  In 1962 John Glenn orbited the earth. \
 \
In 1969, only 66 years after Orville Wright flew two feet off the ground \
for 12 seconds, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and I rocketed to the moon \
in Apollo 11." \
-- Michael Collins \
   Former astronaut and past Director of the National Air and Space Museum \
',' \
Most people exhibit what political scientists call "the conservatism of the \
peasantry."  Don\'t lose what you\'ve got.  Don\'t change.  Don\'t take a chance, \
because you might end up starving to death.  Play it safe.  Buy just as much \
as you need.  Don\'t waste time. \
 \
When  we think about risk, human beings and corporations realize in their \
heads that risks are necessary to grow, to survive.  But when it comes down \
to keeping good people when the crunch comes, or investing money in \
something untried, only the brave reach deep into their pockets and play \
the game as it must be played. \
 \
- David Lammers, "Yakitori", Electronic Engineering Times, January 18, 1988 \
',' \
"We can\'t schedule an orgy, it might be construed as fighting" \
--Stanley Sutton \
',' \
Weekends were made for programming. \
- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
"Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his  \
roars.  Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the \
forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind \
the railroad yards." \
- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, counsel for the supporters \
  of Tennessee\'s anti-evolution law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. \
',' \
...we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent \
observations and inferences by the thousands.  The earth is billions of \
years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary \
descent.  Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but \
do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither \
flat nor at the center of the universe?  Science *has* taught us some \
things with confidence!  Evolution on an ancient earth is as well \
established as our planet\'s shape and position.  Our continuing struggle \
to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not \
cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- \
into doubt. \
- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", The Skeptical Inquirer, \
  Vol XII No. 2 \
',' \
This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks -- to have \
a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines, \
no wires, no controls. \
- Michael Swanwick, "Vacuum Flowers" \
',' \
Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our \
pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs \
and tears.  ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, inspires \
us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us sleeplessness, \
inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness and acts that are \
contrary to habit... \
- Hippocrates (c. 460-c. 377 B.C.), The Sacred Disease \
',' \
Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural function \
are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the other.  There is \
no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the brain now and then and \
make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.  Actually, of course, this \
is a working assumption only....It is quite conceivable that someday the \
assumption will have to be rejected.  But it is important also to see that we \
have not reached that day yet: the working assumption is a necessary one and \
there is no real evidence opposed to it.  Our failure to solve a problem so \
far does not make it insoluble.  One cannot logically be a determinist in \
physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology. \
- D. O. Hebb, Organization of Behavior:  A Neuropsychological Theory, 1949 \
',' \
Prevalent beliefs that knowledge can be tapped from previous incarnations or \
from a "universal mind" (the repository of all past wisdom and creativity) \
not only are implausible but also unfairly demean the stunning achievements \
of individual human brains. \
- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: Implications for Psi \
  Phenomena", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171 \
',' \
... Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of \
the person making the claim, not the critic.  It is not the responsibility \
of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the \
responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals \
or colored lights never healed anyone.  The skeptic\'s role is to point out \
claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidcence and to \
provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with \
the accepted body of scientific evidence. ... \
- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, pg. 215 \
',' \
"Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist." \
- Jean Icbiah, inventor of Ada, weenie \
',' \
Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof.  There are many examples of \
outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, but \
they prevailed with irrefutable data.  More often, egregious findings that \
contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts.  I have \
argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness," \
and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of \
neuroscience.  Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid \
handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena \
than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves \
offer more plausible alternatives. \
- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness: Implications for Psi \
   Phenomena", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171 \
',' \
Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact. \
Only a spiritually bankrupt society could ever believe it. ... Only \
atheists could accept this Satanic theory. \
- Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, "The Pre-Adamic Creation and Evolution" \
',' \
Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around \
the sun.  At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when \
evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person \
can doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact.  That all \
present life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic \
time, is as firmly established as Copernican cosmology.  Biologists differ \
only with respect to theories about how the process operates. \
- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life",  \
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 128-131 \
',' \
...It is sad to find him belaboring the science community for its united \
opposition to ignorant creationists who want teachers and textbooks to \
give equal time to crank arguments that have advanced not a step beyond \
the flyblown rhetoric of Bishop Wilberforce and William Jennings Bryan. \
- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life",  \
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 128-131 \
',' \
... The book is worth attention for only two reasons:  (1) it attacks \
attempts to expose sham paranormal studies; and (2) it is very well and \
plausibly written and so rather harder to dismiss or refute by simple \
jeering. \
- Harry Eagar, reviewing "Beyond the Quantum" by Michael Talbot, \
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 200-201 \
',' \
Now I lay me down to sleep \
I hear the sirens in the street \
All my dreams are made of chrome \
I have no way to get back home \
- Tom Waits \
',' \
I am here by the will of the people and I won\'t leave until I get my raincoat \
back. \
- a slogan of the anarchists in Richard Kadrey\'s "Metrophage" \
',' \
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb ? \
 \
Seven:  One to install the new bulb, and six to determine what to do \
        with the old one for the next 10,000 years. \
',' \
Mike\'s Law: \
For a lumber company employing two men and a cut-off saw, the \
marginal product of labor for any number of additional workers \
equals zero until the acquisition of another cut-off saw. \
Let\'s not even consider a chainsaw. \
- Mike Dennison \
[You could always schedule the saw, though - ed.] \
',' \
As long as we\'re going to reinvent the wheel again, we might as well try making \
it round this time. \
- Mike Dennison \
',' \
This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms  \
industry is now in the American experience... We must not fail to  \
comprehend its grave implications... We must guard against the  \
acquisition of unwarranted influence...by the military-industrial \
complex.  The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power \
exists and will persist. \
- Dwight D. Eisenhower, from his farewell address in 1961 \
',' \
This restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I ordered \
french toast in the renaissance. \
- Steven Wright, comedian \
',' \
Everyone has a purpose in life.  Perhaps yours is watching television. \
- David Letterman \
',' \
A lot of the stuff I do is so minimal, and it\'s designed to be minimal. \
The smallness of it is what\'s attractive.  It\'s weird, \'cause it\'s so \
intellectually lame.  It\'s hard to see me doing that for the rest of \
my life.  But at the same time, it\'s what I do best. \
- Chris Elliot, writer and performer on "Late Night with David Letterman" \
',' \
e-credibility: the non-guaranteeable likelihood that the electronic data  \
you\'re seeing is genuine rather than somebody\'s made-up crap. \
- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong. \
- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
My mother is a fish. \
- William Faulkner \
',' \
The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it \
seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the \
fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving \
after rational knowledge. \
- Albert Einstein \
',' \
The more a man is imbued with the ordered regularity of all events, the firmer \
becomes his conviction that there is no room left by the side of this ordered \
regularity for causes of a different nature.  For him neither the rule of \
human nor the rule of divine will exists as an independent cause of natural \
events.  To be sure, the doctrine of a personal God interfering with natural \
events could never be refuted, in the real sense, by science, for this \
doctrine can always take refuge in those domains in which scientific knowledge \
has not yet been able to set foot. \
 \
But I am persuaded that such behavior on the part of the representatives \
of religion would not only be unworthy but also fatal.  For a doctrine which  \
is able to maintain itself not in clear light, but only in the dark, will \
of necessity lose its effect on mankind, with incalculable harm to human \
progress.  In their struggle for the ethical good, teachers of religion \
must have the stature to give up the doctrine of a personal God, that is,  \
give up that source of fear and hope which in the past placed such vast \
powers in the hands of priests.  In their labors they will have to avail \
themselves of those forces which are capable of cultivating the Good, the  \
True, and the Beautiful in humanity itself.  This is, to be sure, a more \
difficult but an incomparably more worthy task. \
- Albert Einstein \
',' \
Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, \
recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one \
particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. \
- Eleanor Roosevelt \
',' \
Most non-Catholics know that the Catholic schools are rendering a greater \
service to our nation than the public schools in which subversive textbooks \
have been used, in which Communist-minded teachers have taught, and from \
whose classrooms Christ and even God Himself are barred. \
- from "Our Sunday Visitor", an American-Catholic newspaper, 1949 \
',' \
Those of us who believe in the right of any human being to belong to whatever \
church he sees fit, and to worship God in his own way, cannot be accused \
of prejudice when we do not want to see public education connected with \
religious control of the schools, which are paid for by taxpayers\' money. \
- Eleanor Roosevelt \
',' \
Spiritual leadership should remain spiritual leadership and the temporal \
power should not become too important in any church. \
- Eleanor Roosevelt \
',' \
Truth has always been found to promote the best interests of mankind... \
- Percy Bysshe Shelley \
',' \
If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is \
identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a \
collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then \
I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as \
plentiful as blackberries... \
- Leslie Stephen (1832-1904), literary essayist, author \
',' \
It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon \
insufficient evidence. \
- W. K. Clifford, British philosopher, circa 1876 \
',' \
Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is \
wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits \
that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? \
Is it not a spectacle to make the angels laugh?  We are a company of \
ignorant beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only \
be incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by \
falling into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for  \
our daily needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe \
the ultimate origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures \
to declare that we don\'t know the map of the universe as well as the map \
of our infintesimal parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that \
he will be damned to all eternity for his faithlessness... \
- Leslie Stephen, "An agnostic\'s Apology", Fortnightly Review, 1876 \
',' \
Till then we shall be content to admit openly, what you (religionists) \
whisper under your breath or hide in technical jargon, that the ancient \
secret is a secret still; that man knows nothing of the Infinite and \
Absolute; and that, knowing nothing, he had better not be dogmatic about \
his ignorance.  And, meanwhile, we will endeavour to be as charitable as \
possible, and whilst you trumpet forth officially your contempt for our \
skepticism, we will at least try to believe that you are imposed upon \
by your own bluster. \
- Leslie Stephen, "An agnostic\'s Apology", Fortnightly Review, 1876 \
',' \
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. \
- Voltaire \
',' \
What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity.  We are all formed \
of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other\'s folly -- \
that is the first law of nature. \
- Voltaire \
',' \
It is clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because \
he is not of the same opinion, is a monster. \
- Voltaire \
',' \
I simply try to aid in letting the light of historical truth into that \
decaying mass of outworn thought which attaches the modern world to \
medieval conceptions of Christianity, and which still lingers among us -- \
a most serious barrier to religion and morals, and a menace to the whole \
normal evolution of society. \
- Andrew D. White, author, first president of Cornell University, 1896 \
',' \
The man scarce lives who is not more credulous than he ought to be.... The \
natural disposition is always to believe.  It is acquired wisdom and experience \
only that teach incredulity, and they very seldom teach it enough. \
- Adam Smith \
',' \
I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of tennis \
socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for:  If they think \
you\'re crude, go technical; if they think you\'re technical, go crude.  I\'m a \
very technical boy.  So I decided to get as crude as possible.  These days, \
though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire to  \
crudeness. \
- Johnny Mnemonic, by William Gibson \
',' \
However, on religious issures there can be little or no compromise. \
There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious \
beliefs.  There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than \
Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. \
But like any powerful weapon, the use of God\'s name on one\'s behalf \
should be used sparingly.  The religious factions that are growing \
throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom. \
They are trying to force government leaders into following their position \
100 percent.  If you disagree with these religious groups on a  \
particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of \
money or votes or both.  I\'m frankly sick and tired of the political \
preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be \
a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and "D."  Just who do \
they think they are?  And from where do they presume to claim the  \
right to dictate their moral beliefs to me?  And I am even more angry as \
a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who \
thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll \
call in the Senate.  I am warning them today:  I will fight them every \
step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all \
Americans in the name of "conservatism." \
- Senator Barry Goldwater, from the Congressional Record, September 16, 1981 \
',' \
"I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell\'s ass." \
- Senator Barry Goldwater, when asked what he thought of Jerry Falwell\'s \
suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O\'Connor\'s \
nomination to the Supreme Court \
',' \
...And no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers.  No matter how assured \
we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful \
inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions.  This is true in religion as \
it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the naive. \
As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we might be \
advised to leave them to heaven.  They will not, unfortunately, do us the \
same courtesy.  They attack us and each other, and whatever their  \
protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear \
that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword.  My own belief in \
God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge.  My respect \
for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the \
most virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth.  But even well-educated Christians \
are frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure \
of Jesus because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. \
Such ambiguity is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every \
recognized Bible scholar is perfectly aware of it.  Some Christians, alas, \
resort to formal lying to obscure such reality. \
- Steve Allen, comdeian, from an essay in the book "The Courage of  \
  Conviction", edited by Philip Berman \
',' \
...it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the \
existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great \
systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative \
hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. \
- Sidney Hook \
',' \
A fanatic is a person who can\'t change his mind and won\'t change the subject. \
- Winston Churchill \
',' \
We\'re fighting against humanism, we\'re fighting against liberalism... \
we are fighting against all the systems of Satan that are destroying \
our nation today...our battle is with Satan himself. \
- Jerry Falwell \
',' \
They [preachers] dread the advance of science as witches do the approach \
of daylight and scowl on the fatal harbinger announcing the subversions \
of the duperies on which they live. \
- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent. \
- George Orwell \
',' \
As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject \
of religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction \
in the methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless \
conversions -- to anything -- less likely.  Brian now realizes this and \
has, after eleven years, left the sect he was associated with.  The  \
problem is that once the untrained mind has made a formal commitment to \
a religious philosophy -- and it does not matter whether that philosophy \
is generally reasonable and high-minded or utterly bizarre and  \
irrational -- the powers of reason are suprisingly ineffective in  \
changing the believer\'s mind. \
- Steve Allen, comdeian, from an essay in the book "The Courage of  \
  Conviction", edited by Philip Berman \
',' \
Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult \
than to understand him. \
- Fyodor Dostoevski \
',' \
We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should \
govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the \
center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major \
prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual  \
concerns, to say nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get \
Christians to agree among themselves about their relationship to God. \
But all will agree on a proposition that they possess profound spiritual \
resources.  If, in addition, we can get them to accept the further \
proposition that whatever form the Deity may have in their own theology, \
the Deity is not only external, but internal and acts through them, and \
they themselves give proof or disproof of the Deity in what they do and \
think; if this further proposition can be accepted, then we come that \
much closer to a truly religious situation on earth. \
- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options" \
',' \
The Messiah will come.  There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all \
the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated. \
- Rabbi Meir Kahane \
',' \
The world is no nursery. \
- Sigmund Freud \
',' \
If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any \
connection of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of \
religious teaching in state-maintained schools, the immediate and \
superficial answer is not far to seek.... \
The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the various \
denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor, \
it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, \
if any connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival \
denomination would get an unfair advantage. \
- John Dewey (1859-1953), American philosopher,  \
  from "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 \
',' \
Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that \
every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be \
submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality.  All proffered  \
samples of learning must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to  \
common tests.  It is the essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that \
any such "show-down" is sacrilegious and perverse.  The characteristic \
of religion, from their point of view, is that it is intellectually \
secret, not public; peculiarly revealed, not generall known;  \
authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested in ordinary  \
ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion is \
conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists, \
there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in \
religion in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics \
where the method of free inquiry has made its way.  The "religious" \
would be the last to be willing that either the history of the \
content of religion should be taught in this spirit; while those \
to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely a technical device, \
but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must protest against \
its being taught in any other spirit. \
- John Dewey (1859-1953), American philosopher,  \
  from "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 \
',' \
In the broad and final sense all institutions are educational in the \
sense that they operate to form the attitudes, dispositions, abilities \
and disabilities that constitute a concrete personality...Whether this \
educative process is carried on in a predominantly democratic or non- \
democratic way becomes, therefore, a question of transcendent importance \
not only for education itself but for its final effect upon all the \
interests and activites of a society that is committed to the democratic \
way of life. \
- John Dewey (1859-1953), American philosopher \
',' \
History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, \
periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts \
them asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing \
grub, at intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... \
Truly the imago state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every \
moult is a step gained. \
- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" \
',' \
...I would go so far as to suggest that, were it not for our ego and  \
concern to be different, the African apes would be included in our  \
family, the Hominidae. \
- Richard Leakey \
',' \
It is inconceivable that a judicious observer from another solar system \
would see in our species -- which has tended to be cruel, destructive, \
wasteful, and irrational -- the crown and apex of cosmic evolution. \
Viewing us as the culmination of *anything* is grotesque; viewing us \
as a transitional species makes more sense -- and gives us more hope. \
- Betty McCollister, "Our Transitional Species",  \
  Free Inquiry magazine, Vol. 8, No. 1 \
',' \
"Well, you see, it\'s such a transitional creature.  It\'s a piss-poor \
reptile and not very much of a bird." \
- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a zoologist who has \
studied the archeopteryz and found it "very much like people" \
',' \
"You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape." \
- Ellyn Mustard \
',' \
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to \
 create him." \
 -Arthur C. Clarke \
',' \
"Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?" \
 -Ronald Reagan \
',' \
"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things  \
 we don\'t know yet." \
 -Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
"Plan to throw one away.  You will anyway." \
- Fred Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" \
',' \
You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape. \
- Ellyn Mustard \
',' \
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to \
 create him." \
 -Arthur C. Clarke \
',' \
"Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?" \
 -Ronald Reagan \
',' \
"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things  \
 we don\'t know yet." \
 -Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
The Middle East is certainly the nexus of turmoil for a long time to come -- \
with shifting players, but the same game: upheaval.  I think we will be \
confronting militant Islam -- particularly fallout from the Iranian \
revolution -- and religion will once more, as it has in our own more \
distant past -- play a role at least as standard-bearer in death and mayhem. \
- Bobby R. Inman, Admiral, USN, Retired, former director of Naval Intelligence, \
  vice director of the DIA, former director of the NSA, deputy director of \
  Central Intelligence, former chairman and CEO of MCC. \
',' \
...One thing is that, unlike any other Western democracy that I know of, \
this country has operated since its beginnings with a basic distrust of  \
government.  We are constituted not for efficient operation of government, \
but for minimizing the possibility of abuse of power.  It took the events \
of the Roosevelt era -- a catastrophic economic collapse and a world war -- \
to introduce the strong central government that we now know.  But in most \
parts of the country today, the reluctance to have government is still \
strong.  I think, barring a series of catastrophic events, that we can \
look to at least another decade during which many of the big problems \
around this country will have to be addressed by institutions other than \
federal government. \
- Bobby R. Inman, Admiral, USN, Retired, former director of Naval Intelligence, \
  vice director of the DIA, former director of the NSA, deputy directory of \
  Central Intelligence, former chairman and CEO of MCC. \
[the statist opinions expressed herein are not those of the cookie editor -ed.] \
',' \
"I have just one word for you, my boy...plastics." \
- from "The Graduate" \
',' \
"There is such a fine line between genius and stupidity." \
- David St. Hubbins, "Spinal Tap" \
',' \
"If Diet Coke did not exist it would have been neccessary to invent it." \
-- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
I am approached with the most opposite opinions and advice, and by men who \
are equally certain that they represent the divine will.  I am sure that \
either the one or the other is mistaken in the belief, and perhaps in some \
respects, both. \
 \
I hope it will not be irreverent of me to say that if it is probable that \
God would reveal his will to others on a point so connected with my duty, \
it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me. \
- Abraham Lincoln \
',' \
In space, no one can hear you fart. \
',' \
Brain damage is all in your head. \
-- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
Wish and hope succeed in discerning signs of paranormality where reason and \
careful scientific procedure fail. \
- James E. Alcock, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12 \
',' \
"It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try, but \
the result\'s the same." \
- Mike Dennison \
',' \
"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple \
and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and \
because good teachers understand exactly why it is false.  What could be \
more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our \
entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing \
honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment \
to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any \
general understanding of science as an enterprise? \
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer", Vol. 12, page 186 \
',' \
It is not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and \
intimidation. \
',' \
"Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated at \
speeds faster than 85 MPH (140kph)." \
-- 1987 Buick Grand National owners manual. \
',' \
"Your attitude determines your attitude." \
-- Zig Ziglar, self-improvement doofus \
',' \
In arguing that current theories of brain function cast suspicion on ESP, \
psychokinesis, reincarnation, and so on, I am frequently challenged with \
the most popular of all neuro-mythologies -- the notion that we ordinarily \
use only 10 percent of our brains... \
 \
This "cerebral spare tire" concept continues to nourish the clientele of \
"pop psychologists" and their many recycling self-improvement schemes.  As \
a metaphor for the fact that few of us fully exploit our talents, who could \
deny it?  As a refuge for occultists seeking a neural basis of the miraculous, \
it leaves much to be desired. \
-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness:  Implications for \
   Psi Phenomena", The Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2, pg. 171 \
',' \
Thufir\'s a Harkonnen now. \
',' \
"By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other \
designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun." \
-- P. J. Plauger, from his April Fool\'s column in April 88\'s "Computer Language" \
',' \
"If you want to eat hippopatomus, you\'ve got to pay the freight." \
-- attributed to an IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much memory \
',' \
Parkinson\'s Law:  Work expands to fill the time alloted it. \
',' \
Karl\'s version of Parkinson\'s Law:  Work expands to exceed the time alloted it. \
',' \
It is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and \
failed. \
- motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere \
',' \
"Our journeys to the stars will be made on spaceships created by determined, \
hardworking scientists and engineers applying the principles of science, not \
aboard flying saucers piloted by little gray aliens from some other dimension." \
-- Robert A. Baker, "The Aliens Among Us:  Hypnotic Regression Revisited", \
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2 \
',' \
"...all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products, \
if they are built at all, are dogs!" \
-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", MIT Press, 1987 \
',' \
"To take a significant step forward, you must make a series of finite  \
improvements." \
-- Donald J. Atwood, General Motors \
',' \
"We will bury you." \
-- Nikita Kruschev \
',' \
"Now here\'s something you\'re really going to like!" \
-- Rocket J. Squirrel \
',' \
"How to make a million dollars:  First, get a million dollars." \
-- Steve Martin \
',' \
"Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about." \
-- B. L. Whorf \
',' \
The language provides a programmer with a set of conceptual tools; if these are \
inadequate for the task, they will simply be ignored.  For example, seriously \
restricting the concept of a pointer simply forces the programmer to use a \
vector plus integer arithmetic to implement structures, pointer, etc.  Good \
design and the absence of errors cannot be guaranteed by mere language \
features. \
-- Bjarne Stroustrup, "The C++ Programming Language" \
',' \
"For the love of phlegm...a stupid wall of death rays.  How tacky can ya get?" \
- Post Brothers comics \
',' \
"Bureaucracy is the enemy of innovation." \
-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments \
',' \
"An organization dries up if you don\'t challenge it with growth." \
-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments \
',' \
"I\'ve seen it.  It\'s rubbish." \
-- Marvin the Paranoid Android \
',' \
Our business is run on trust.  We trust you will pay in advance. \
',' \
"Infidels in all ages have battled for the rights of man, and have at all times \
been the fearless advocates of liberty and justice." \
-- Robert Green Ingersoll \
',' \
The history of the rise of Christianity has everything to do with politics, \
culture, and human frailties and nothing to do with supernatural manipulation \
of events.  Had divine intervention been the guiding force, surely two \
millennia after the birth of Jesus he would not have a world where there \
are more Muslims than Catholics, more Hindus than Protestants, and more \
nontheists than Catholics and Protestants combined. \
-- John K. Naland, "The First Easter", Free Inquiry magazine, Vol. 8, No. 2 \
',' \
I find you lack of faith in the forth dithturbing. \
- Darse ("Darth") Vader \
',' \
"All Bibles are man-made." \
-- Thomas Edison \
',' \
"Spock, did you see the looks on their faces?" \
"Yes, Captain, a sort of vacant contentment." \
',' \
"The triumph of libertarian anarchy is nearly (in historical terms) at \
hand... *if* we can keep the Left from selling us into slavery and the \
Right from blowing us up for, say, the next twenty years." \
-- Eric Rayman, usenet guy, about nanotechnology \
',' \
"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love." \
-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
"I think Michael is like litmus paper - he\'s always trying to learn." \
-- Elizabeth Taylor, absurd non-sequitir about Michael Jackson \
',' \
While it cannot be proved retrospectively that any experience of possession, \
conversion, revelation, or divine ecstasy was merely an epileptic discharge, \
we must ask how one differentiates "real transcendence" from neuropathies \
that produce the same extreme realness, profundity, ineffability, and sense \
of cosmic unity.  When accounts of sudden religious conversions in TLEs \
[temporal-lobe epileptics] are laid alongside the epiphanous revelations of \
the religious tradition, the parallels are striking.  The same is true of the \
recent spate of alleged UFO abductees.  Parsimony alone argues against invoking \
spirits, demons, or extraterrestrials when natural causes will suffice. \
-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "Neuropathology and the Legacy of Spiritual  \
   Possession", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, No. 3, pg. 255 \
',' \
"A verbal contract isn\'t worth the paper it\'s printed on." \
- Samuel Goldwyn \
',' \
"We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement." \
-- Richard J. Daley \
',' \
"With molasses you catch flies, with vinegar you catch nobody." \
-- Baltimore City Councilman Dominic DiPietro \
',' \
"Lead us in a few words of silent prayer." \
-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach \
',' \
"I couldn\'t remember things until I took that Sam Carnegie course." \
-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach \
',' \
"Right now I feel that I\'ve got my feet on the ground as far as my head \
is concerned." \
-- Baseball pitcher Bo Belinsky \
',' \
"Ninety percent of baseball is half mental." \
-- Yogi Berra \
',' \
Two things are certain about science.  It does not stand still for long, \
and it is never boring.  Oh, among some poor souls, including even \
intellectuals in fields of high scholarship, science is frequently \
misperceived.  Many see it as only a body of facts, promulgated from \
on high in must, unintelligible textbooks, a collection of unchanging \
precepts defended with authoritarian vigor.  Others view it as nothing \
but a cold, dry narrow, plodding, rule-bound process -- the scientific \
method: hidebound, linear, and left brained. \
 \
These people are the victims of their own stereotypes.  They are \
destined to view the world of science with a set of blinders.  They \
know nothing of the tumult, cacophony, rambunctiousness, and  \
tendentiousness of the actual scientific process, let alone the  \
creativity, passion, and joy of discovery.  And they are likely to \
know little of the continual procession of new insights and discoveries \
that every day, in some way, change our view (if not theirs) of the \
natural world. \
 \
-- Kendrick Frazier, "The Year in Science: An Overview," in \
   1988 Yearbook of Science and the Future, Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc. \
',' \
"jackpot:  you may have an unneccessary change record" \
-- message from "diff" \
',' \
"One lawyer can steal more than a hundred men with guns." \
-- The Godfather \
',' \
What\'s the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman? \
 \
A used car salesman knows when he\'s lying. \
',' \
"Those who will be able to conquer software will be able to conquer the \
world." \
-- Tadahiro Sekimoto, president, NEC Corp. \
',' \
"There are some good people in it, but the orchestra as a whole is equivalent \
to a gang bent on destruction." \
-- John Cage, composer \
',' \
"I believe the use of noise to make music will increase until we reach a \
music produced through the aid of electrical instruments which will make \
available for musical purposes any and all sounds that can be heard." \
-- composer John Cage, 1937 \
',' \
I did cancel one performance in Holland where they thought my music was so easy \
that they didn\'t rehearse at all.  And so the first time when I found that out, \
I rehearsed the orchestra myself in front of the audience of 3,000 people and \
the next day I rehearsed through the second movement -- this was the piece \
_Cheap Imitation_ -- and they then were ashamed.  The Dutch people were ashamed \
and they invited me to come to the Holland festival and they promised to \
rehearse.  And when I got to Amsterdam they had changed the orchestra, and \
again, they hadn\'t rehearsed.  So they were no more prepared the second time \
than they had been the first.  I gave them a lecture and told them to cancel \
the performance; they then said over the radio that i had insisted on their \
cancelling the performance because they were "insufficiently Zen."   \
Can you believe it? \
-- composer John Cage, "Electronic Musician" magazine, March 88, pg. 89 \
',' \
"One day I woke up and discovered that I was in love with tripe." \
-- Tom Anderson \
',' \
"Most people would like to be delivered from \
 temptation but would like it to keep in touch." \
-- Robert Orben \
',' \
The rule on staying alive as a program manager is to give \'em a number or  \
give \'em a date, but never give \'em both at once. \
',' \
An optimist believes we live in the best world possible;  \
a pessimist fears this is true. \
',' \
"If John Madden steps outside on February 2, looks down, and doesn\'t see his  \
feet, we\'ll have 6 more weeks of Pro football." \
-- Chuck Newcombe \
',' \
Dead?	No excuse for laying off work. \
',' \
Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself. \
',' \
"When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic." \
-- John Kenneth Galbraith \
',' \
"Nature is very un-American.  Nature never hurries." \
-- William George Jordan \
',' \
"We learn from history that we learn nothing from history." \
-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
"Flattery is all right -- if you don\'t inhale." \
-- Adlai Stevenson \
',' \
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago." \
-- Bernard Berenson \
',' \
"Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings.	 The expectations are always  \
high, and the results usually disappointing." \
-- Robert Orben \
',' \
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging  \
their prejudices." \
-- William James \
',' \
"Tell the truth and run." \
-- Yugoslav proverb \
',' \
"The best index to a person\'s character is a) how he treats people who can\'t  \
do him any good and b) how he treats people who can\'t fight back." \
-- Abigail Van Buren \
',' \
"Never face facts; if you do, you\'ll never get up in the morning." \
-- Marlo Thomas \
',' \
"Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which never seems to fit." \
-- David McCord \
',' \
"The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children  \
produce adults." \
-- Peter De Vries \
',' \
"It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them." \
-- Alfred Adler \
',' \
"Security is mostly a superstition.  It does not exist in nature... Life is  \
either a daring adventure or nothing." \
-- Helen Keller \
',' \
"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is  \
shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." \
-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
"Success covers a multitude of blunders." \
-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
"The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while  \
the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one." \
-- William Stekel \
',' \
"Yes, and I feel bad about rendering their useless carci into dogfood..." \
-- Badger comics \
',' \
"Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it radiation sickness?"  \
-- Sonic Disruptors comics \
',' \
"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons  \
for it afterwards." \
-- Soren F. Petersen \
',' \
"You\'re a creature of the night, Michael.  Wait\'ll Mom hears about this." \
-- from the movie "The Lost Boys" \
',' \
"Plastic gun.  Ingenious.  More coffee, please." \
-- The Phantom comics \
',' \
The game of life is a game of boomerangs.  Our thoughts, deeds and words  \
return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy. \
',' \
If at first you don\'t succeed, you are running about average. \
',' \
"A child is a person who can\'t understand why someone would give away a  \
perfectly good kitten." \
-- Doug Larson \
',' \
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody  \
appreciates how difficult it was." \
-- Walt West \
',' \
"Silent gratitude isn\'t very much use to anyone." \
-- G. B. Stearn \
',' \
"In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with  \
the current." \
-- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to  \
the left. \
',' \
"But this one goes to eleven." \
-- Nigel Tufnel \
',' \
"Been through Hell?  Whaddya bring back for me?" \
-- A. Brilliant \
',' \
"I don\'t know what their \
 gripe is.  A critic is \
 simply someone paid to \
 render opinions glibly." \
			     "Critics are grinks and \
			      groinks."  \
-- Baron and Badger, from Badger comics \
',' \
"I\'ve got some amyls.  We could either party later or, like, start his heart." \
-- "Cheech and Chong\'s Next Movie" \
',' \
"Israel today announced that it is giving up.  The Zionist state will dissolve  \
in two weeks time, and its citizens will disperse to various resort communities \
around the world.  Said Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir, \'Who needs the  \
aggravation?\'" \
-- Dennis Miller, "Satuday Night Live" News \
',' \
"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead  \
by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business  \
product: a really sharp-looking report." \
-- Dave Barry \
',' \
SHOP OR DIE, people of Earth! \
[offer void where prohibited] \
-- Capitalists from outer space, from Justice League Int\'l comics \
',' \
"Roman Polanski makes his own blood.  He\'s smart -- that\'s why his movies work." \
-- A brilliant director at "Frank\'s Place" \
',' \
"The following is not for the weak of heart or Fundamentalists." \
-- Dave Barry \
',' \
"I take Him shopping with me. I say, \'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain\'"  \
--Tammy Faye Bakker \
',' \
Gary Hart:  living proof that you *can* screw your brains out. \
',' \
Blessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly mute, \
for they shall be know as Dentists. \
',' \
"I don\'t believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person,  \
unless he has an atomic weapon." \
-- Howard Chaykin \
',' \
"Ever free-climbed a thousand foot vertical cliff with 60 pounds of gear  \
strapped to your butt?" \
   "No." \
"\'Course you haven\'t, you fruit-loop little geek." \
-- The Mountain Man, one of Dana Carvey\'s SNL characters \
[ditto] \
',' \
"I mean, like, I just read your article in the Yale law recipe, on search and \
seizure.  Man, that was really Out There." \
   "I was so WRECKED when I wrote that..." \
-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL \
',' \
"Hi, I\'m Professor Alan Ginsburg... But you can call me... Captain Toke." \
-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL \
',' \
It\'s great to be smart \'cause then you know stuff. \
',' \
"Time is money and money can\'t buy you love and I love your outfit" \
- T.H.U.N.D.E.R. #1 \
',' \
"Can\'t you just gesture hypnotically and make him disappear?" \
    "It does not work that way.  RUN!" \
-- Hadji on metaphyics and Mandrake in "Johnny Quest" \
',' \
"You shouldn\'t make my toaster angry." \
-- Household security explained in "Johnny Quest" \
',' \
 "Someone\'s been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully." \
-- Ralph Bakshi\'s Mighty Mouse \
',' \
"And kids... learn something from Susie and Eddie. \
 If you think there\'s a maniacal psycho-geek in the \
 basement: \
    1)	Don\'t give him a chance to hit you on the \
	head with an axe! \
    2)	Flee the premises... even if you\'re in your \
	underwear. \
    3)	Warn the neighbors and call the police. \
 But whatever else you do... DON\'T GO DOWN IN THE DAMN BASEMENT!" \
-- Saturday Night Live meets Friday the 13th \
',' \
Victory or defeat! \
',' \
"Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion." \
-- Harlan Ellison \
',' \
"It\'s curtains for you, Mighty Mouse!  This gun is so futuristic that even  \
*I* don\'t know how it works!" \
-- from Ralph Bakshi\'s Mighty Mouse \
',' \
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." \
-- George Carlin \
',' \
A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem. \
',' \
   "Daddy, Daddy, make \
    Santa Claus go away!" \
		       "I can\'t, son; \
			he\'s grown too \
			powerful." \
				     "HO HO HO!" \
-- Duck\'s Breath Mystery Theatre \
',' \
"If it\'s not loud, it doesn\'t work!" \
-- Blank Reg, from "Max Headroom" \
',' \
"Remember kids, if there\'s a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you\'re the  \
one holding it" \
-- Captain Combat \
',' \
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.   -- David Letterman \
',' \
Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.   -- David Letterman \
',' \
Delta: The kids will love our inflatable slides.    -- David Letterman \
',' \
Delta: We\'re Amtrak with wings.    -- David Letterman \
',' \
"Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is  \
good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. \
 -- John Kenneth Galbraith \
',' \
"Hello again, Peabody here..." \
-- Mister Peabody \
',' \
"It\'s the best thing since professional golfers on \'ludes." \
-- Rick Obidiah \
',' \
"To your left is the marina where several senior cabinet officials keep luxury  \
yachts for weekend cruises on the Potomac.  Some of these ships are up to 100  \
feet in length; the Presidential yacht is over 200 feet in length, and can  \
remain submerged for up to 3 weeks." \
-- Garrison Keillor \
',' \
"Well, social relevance is a schtick, like mysteries, social relevance,  \
science fiction..." \
-- Art Spiegelman \
',' \
"One of the problems I\'ve always had with propaganda pamphlets is that they\'re  \
real boring to look at.  They\'re just badly designed.  People from the left \
often are very well-intended, but they never had time to take basic design  \
classes, you know?" \
-- Art Spiegelman \
',' \
"If you took everyone who\'s ever been to a Dead \
 show, and lined them up, they\'d stretch halfway to \
 the moon and back... and none of them would be \
 complaining." \
-- a local Deadhead in the Seattle Times \
',' \
"And remember: Evil will always prevail, because Good is dumb." \
-- Spaceballs \
',' \
Why are many scientists using lawyers for medical \
experiments instead of rats? \
 \
	a)  There are more lawyers than rats. \
	b)  The scientist\'s don\'t become as \
 	    emotionally attached to them. \
	c)  There are some things that even rats  \
	    won\'t do for money. \
',' \
	"During the race \
	 We may eat your dust, \
	 But when you graduate, \
	 You\'ll work for us." \
	-- Reed College cheer \
',' \
Pohl\'s law:  \
	 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. \
',' \
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the  \
splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, \
for it balks at pig. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
"We don\'t have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand." \
-- James Watt \
',' \
"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this \
 country what it once was... an arctic wilderness." \
-- Steve Martin \
',' \
"To YOU I\'m an atheist; to God, I\'m the Loyal Opposition." \
-- Woody Allen \
',' \
Noncombatant:  A dead Quaker. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
"There\'s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it  \
is I\'ll get married again." \
-- Clint Eastwood \
',' \
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.   \
I believe everything positively stinks. \
-- Lew Col \
',' \
Q:  How many IBM CPU\'s does it take to execute a job? \
A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. \
',' \
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. \
',' \
Harrisberger\'s Fourth Law of the Lab: \
	Experience is directly proportional to the \
	amount of equipment ruined. \
',' \
Captain Penny\'s Law: \
	You can fool all of the people some of the \
	time, and some of the people all of the \
	time, but you can\'t fool mom. \
',' \
"Because he\'s a character who\'s looking for his own identity, [He-Man is]  \
an interesting role for an actor." \
-- Dolph Lundgren, "actor" \
',' \
"If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going on in his name, he\'d never  \
stop throwing up." \
-- Max Von Sydow\'s character in "Hannah and Her Sisters" \
',' \
"Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.   \
God -- I\'ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again." \
-- Woody Allen\'s character in "Hannah and Her Sisters" \
',' \
"In regards to Oral Roberts\' claim that God told him that he would die unless he \
 received $20 million by March, God\'s lawyers have stated that their client has \
 not spoken with Roberts for several years.  Off the record, God has stated that \
 "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago." \
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News \
',' \
"Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core." \
-- Hannah Arendt. \
',' \
Quod licet Iovi non licet bovi. \
(What Jove may do, is not permitted to a cow.) \
',' \
"I distrust a man who says \'when.\'  If he\'s got to be careful not to drink too  \
much, it\'s because he\'s not to be trusted when he does." \
-- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_ \
',' \
"I distrust a close-mouthed man.  He generally picks the wrong time to talk  \
and says the wrong things.  Talking\'s something you can\'t do judiciously,  \
unless you keep in practice.  Now, sir, we\'ll talk if you like.	I\'ll tell  \
you right out, I\'m a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk." \
-- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_ \
',' \
All extremists should be taken out and shot. \
',' \
"The sixties were good to you, weren\'t they?" \
-- George Carlin \
',' \
"You stay here, Audrey -- this is between me and the vegetable!" \
-- Seymour, from _Little Shop Of Horrors_ \
',' \
From Sharp minds come... pointed heads. \
-- Bryan Sparrowhawk \
',' \
There are two kinds of egotists: 1) Those who admit it  2) The rest of us \
',' \
"The picture\'s pretty bleak, gentlemen...  The world\'s climates are changing,  \
the mammals are taking over, and we all have a brain about the size of a  \
walnut." \
-- some dinosaurs from The Far Side, by Gary Larson \
',' \
"We Americans, we\'re a simple people... but piss us off, and we\'ll bomb  \
your cities." \
-- Robin Williams, _Good Morning Vietnam_ \
',' \
Why won\'t sharks eat lawyers?   Professional courtesy. \
',' \
"You know, we\'ve won awards for this crap." \
-- David Letterman \
',' \
It was pity stayed his hand. \
"Pity I don\'t have any more bullets," thought Frito. \
-- _Bored_of_the_Rings_, a Harvard Lampoon parody of Tolkein \
',' \
A good USENET motto would be: \
 a. "Together, a strong community." \
 b. "Computers R Us." \
 c. "I\'m sick of programming, I think I\'ll just screw around for a while on  \
     company time." \
-- A Sane Man \
',' \
"He didn\'t run for reelection.	`Politics brings you into contact with all the  \
people you\'d give anything to avoid,\' he said. `I\'m staying home.\'" \
-- Garrison Keillor, _Lake_Wobegone_Days_ \
',' \
"If you lived today as if it were your last, you\'d buy up a box of rockets and  \
fire them all off, wouldn\'t you?" \
-- Garrison Keillor \
',' \
"Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk." \
-- TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode _Amok_Time_ \
',' \
"Poor man... he was like an employee to me." \
-- The police commisioner on "Sledge Hammer" laments the death of his bodyguard \
',' \
"Trust me.  I know what I\'m doing." \
-- Sledge Hammer \
',' \
"Hi.  This is Dan Cassidy\'s answering machine.  Please leave your name and  \
number... and after I\'ve doctored the tape, your message will implicate you \
 in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the F.B.I... BEEEP" \
 -- Blue Devil comics \
',' \
"All God\'s children are not beautiful.	Most of God\'s children are, in fact,  \
barely presentable." \
-- Fran Lebowitz \
',' \
"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?" \
-- Lily Tomlin \
',' \
Whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC. \
',' \
"Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!" \
-- Buckaroo Banzai \
',' \
"I may be synthetic, but I\'m not stupid" \
-- the artificial person, from _Aliens_ \
',' \
"The only way I can lose this election is if I\'m caught in bed with a dead  \
girl or a live boy." \
-- Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards \
',' \
David Letterman\'s "Things we can be proud of as Americans": \
	* Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO \
	* Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE" \
	* Hourly motel rates \
	* Vast majority of Elvis movies made here \
	* Didn\'t just give up right away during World War II like some  \
	    countries we could mention \
	* Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies \
	* Our well-behaved golf professionals \
	* Fabulous babes coast to coast \
',' \
"Danger, you haven\'t seen the last of me!" \
   "No, but the first of you turns my stomach!" \
-- The Firesign Theatre\'s Nick Danger \
',' \
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. \
 -- Russian Proverb \
',' \
"Don\'t worry about people stealing your ideas.	 If your ideas are any good,  \
you\'ll have to ram them down people\'s throats." \
 -- Howard Aiken \
',' \
"When anyone says `theoretically,\' they really mean `not really.\'" \
 -- David Parnas \
',' \
"No problem is so formidable that you can\'t walk away from it." \
 -- C. Schulz \
',' \
"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make  \
empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians have made  \
a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the  \
bonds of Hell." \
 -- Saint Augustine \
',' \
"For the man who has everything... Penicillin." \
 -- F. Borquin \
',' \
 "I\'ve finally learned what `upward compatible\' means.	It means we \
  get to keep all our old mistakes." \
 -- Dennie van Tassel \
',' \
"The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones." \
 -- Nathaniel Howe \
',' \
"It\'s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I\'m wearing Milkbone underware." \
-- Norm, from _Cheers_ \
',' \
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that  \
you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".  Disraeli replied,  \
"That all depends, Sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your  \
mistress." \
',' \
"He don\'t know me vewy well, DO he?"   -- Bugs Bunny \
',' \
"I\'ll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. \
 That will *prove* I\'m Robin Hood." \
-- Daffy Duck, Looney Tunes, _Robin Hood Daffy_ \
',' \
"Would I turn on the gas if my pal Mugsy were in there?" \
   "You might, rabbit, you might!" \
-- Looney Tunes, Bugs and Thugs (1954, Friz Freleng) \
',' \
"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I\'m rich." \
-- Looney Tunes, Ali Baba Bunny (1957, Chuck Jones) \
',' \
"And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?" \
-- Looney Tunes, The Scarlet Pumpernickel (1950, Chuck Jones) \
',' \
"Now I\'ve got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun.  And when it  \
disintegrates, it disintegrates.  (pulls trigger)  Well, what you do know,  \
it disintegrated." \
-- Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century \
',' \
"Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit!" \
-- Looney Tunes, "What\'s Opera Doc?" (1957, Chuck Jones) \
',' \
"I DO want your money, because god wants your money!" \
-- The Reverend Jimmy, from _Repo_Man_ \
',' \
"The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The  \
terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency." \
-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
"You show me an American who can keep his mouth shut and I\'ll eat him." \
-- Newspaperman from Frank Capra\'s _Meet_John_Doe_ \
',' \
	"And we heard him exclaim \
	 As he started to roam: \
	 `I\'m a hologram, kids, \
	  please don\'t try this at home!\'" \
	-- Bob Violence \
-- Howie Chaykin\'s little animated 3-dimensional darling, Bob Violence \
',' \
"The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet  \
themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against  \
the Ford Motor Company\'s new campaign: `Hey you stinking fat Russian, get \
 off my Ford Escort.\'" \
-- Dennis Miller, Saturday Night Live \
',' \
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum." \
--Arthur C. Clarke \
',' \
"They ought to make butt-flavored cat food."   --Gallagher \
',' \
"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends." \
--Woody Allen \
',' \
"It\'s ten o\'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are?"  -- Peter Oakley \
',' \
"Ah, you know the type.	 They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks,  \
\'cause if they couldn\'t, they\'d have to wake up to the fact that life\'s one big, \
scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only  \
reason THEY can\'t seem to keep up is they\'re a bunch of misfits and losers." \
-- an analysis of neo-Nazis and such, Badger comics \
',' \
"Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York  \
City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn\'t make any sudden moves  \
around than any other city in the world." \
-- David Letterman \
',' \
"Tourists -- have some fun with New york\'s hard-boiled cabbies.  When you get  \
to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?	I was hitchhiking." \
-- David Letterman \
',' \
"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New  \
Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not  \
new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax." \
-- David Letterman \
',' \
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham  \
Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? \
	1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. \
	2) Advising the President. \
	3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his \
	   coffin." \
-- David Letterman \
',' \
"If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on \
 television with pool cues, who would win? \
	1) Ricky Schroder \
	2) Gary Coleman \
	3) The television viewing public" \
-- David Letterman \
',' \
"If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying, you are \
 probably hallucinating." \
-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_ \
',' \
What to do in case of an alien attack: \
 \
    1)   Hide beneath the seat of your plane and look away. \
    2)   Avoid eye contact. \
    3) If there are no eyes, avoid all contact. \
 \
-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_ \
',' \
"Nuclear war would really set back cable." \
- Ted Turner \
',' \
"You tweachewous miscweant!" \
-- Elmer Fudd \
',' \
"I saw _Lassie_. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never  \
spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series?" \
-- the alien guy, in _Explorers_ \
',' \
"Open Channel D..." \
-- Napoleon Solo, The Man From U.N.C.L.E. \
',' \
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set. \
',' \
Support Mental Health.  Or I\'ll kill you. \
',' \
"The pyramid is opening!" \
   "Which one?" \
"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" \
-- The Firesign Theatre \
',' \
"Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target \
Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." \
-- The Firesign Theatre movie, _J-Men Forever_ \
',' \
"My sense of purpose is gone! I have no idea who I AM!" \
    "Oh, my God... You\'ve.. You\'ve turned him into a DEMOCRAT!" \
-- Doonesbury \
',' \
"You are WRONG, you ol\' brass-breasted fascist poop!" \
-- Bloom County \
',' \
"Well, if you can\'t believe what you read in a comic book, what *can*  \
you believe?!"  \
-- Bullwinkle J. Moose \
',' \
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberrys!" \
-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail \
',' \
"Take that, you hostile sons-of-bitches!" \
-- James Coburn, in the finale of _The_President\'s_Analyst_ \
',' \
"The voters have spoken, the bastards..." \
-- unknown \
',' \
"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk"  \
-- John Huston \
',' \
"Be there.  Aloha." \
-- Steve McGarret, _Hawaii Five-Oh_ \
',' \
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro..." \
-- Hunter S. Thompson \
',' \
"Say yur prayers, yuh flea-pickin\' varmint!" \
-- Yosemite Sam \
',' \
"There... I\'ve run rings \'round you logically" \
-- Monty Python\'s Flying Circus \
',' \
"Let\'s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!" \
-- The Ghostbusters \
',' \
...Veloz is indistinguishable from hundreds of other electronics businesses \
in the Valley, run by eager young engineers poring over memory dumps late \
into the night.  The difference is that a bunch of self-confessed "car nuts" \
are making money doing what they love: writing code and driving fast. \
-- "Electronics puts its foot on the gas", IEEE Spectrum, May 88 \
',' \
"Just the facts, Ma\'am" \
-- Joe Friday \
',' \
"I have five dollars for each of you." \
-- Bernhard Goetz \
',' \
Mausoleum:  The final and funniest folly of the rich. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Riches:  A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in whom I \
am well pleased." \
-- John D. Rockefeller, (slander by Ambrose Bierce) \
',' \
All things are either sacred or profane. \
The former to ecclesiasts bring gain; \
The latter to the devil appertain. \
-- Dumbo Omohundro \
',' \
Saint:  A dead sinner revised and edited. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Forty two. \
',' \
Meekness:  Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Absolute:  Independent, irresponsible.  An absolute monarchy is one in which \
the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.  Not \
many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by \
limited monarchies, where the soverign\'s power for evil (and for good) is \
greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Abstainer:  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a \
pleasure.  A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but \
abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Alliance:  In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their \
hands so deeply inserted in each other\'s pocket that they cannot separately \
plunder a third. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Disobedience:  The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Egotist:  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Administration:  An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive \
the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
A penny saved is a penny to squander. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Ocean:  A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- \
who has no gills. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Physician:  One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Philosophy:  A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Politics:  A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. \
The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Politician:  An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of \
organized society is reared.  When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of \
his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared with the statesman, \
he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Pray:  To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single \
petitioner confessedly unworthy. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Presidency:  The greased pig in the field game of American politics. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Proboscis:  The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place \
of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him.  For purposes \
of humor it is popularly called a trunk. \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Inadmissible:  Not competent to be considered.  Said of certain kinds of \
testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with, \
and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before themselves \
alone.  Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person quoted was \
unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet most momentous  \
actions, military, political, commercial and of every other kind, are \
daily undertaken on hearsay evidence.  There is no religion in the world \
that has any other basis than hearsay evidence.  Revelation is hearsay \
evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only the \
testimony of men long dead whose identy is not clearly established and \
who are not known to have been sworn in any sense.  Under the rules of \
evidence as they now exist in this country, no single assertion in the \
Bible has in its support any evidence admissible in a court of law... \
 \
But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved \
that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to \
mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women \
were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still \
unimpeachable.  The judges\' decisions based on it were sound in logic and \
in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than \
the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. \
If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike \
destitute of value.  --Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
"Today\'s robots are very primitive, capable of understanding only a few \
 simple instructions such as \'go left\', \'go right\', and \'build car\'." \
 --John Sladek \
',' \
"In the fight between you and the world, back the world." \
 --Frank Zappa \
',' \
Here is an Appalachian version of management\'s answer to those who are  \
concerned with the fate of the project: \
"Don\'t worry about the mule.  Just load the wagon." \
-- Mike Dennison\'s hillbilly uncle \
',' \
Ill-chosen abstraction is particularly evident in the design of the ADA \
runtime system. The interface to the ADA runtime system is so opaque that \
it is impossible to model or predict its performance, making it effectively \
useless for real-time systems. -- Marc D. Donner and David H. Jameson. \
',' \
"Being against torture ought to be sort of a bipartisan thing." \
-- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
"Here comes Mr. Bill\'s dog." \
-- Narrator, Saturday Night Live \
',' \
Sex is like air.  It\'s only a big deal if you can\'t get any. \
',' \
"Maintain an awareness for contribution -- to your schedule, your project,  \
our company."   \
-- A Group of Employees \
',' \
"Ask not what A Group of Employees can do for you.  But ask what can  \
All Employees do for A Group of Employees."     \
-- Mike Dennison \
',' \
One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner \
alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. \
   "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, is \
 published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship. \
 Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the Century. \
 Do you think that fair criticism?" \
   "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did not \
occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who wrote it." \
-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Many aligators will be slain, \
but the swamp will remain. \
',' \
What the gods would destroy they first submit to an IEEE standards committee. \
',' \
This is now.  Later is later. \
',' \
"I will make no bargains with terrorist hardware." \
-- Peter da Silva \
',' \
"If I do not return to the pulpit this weekend, millions of people will go \
to hell." \
-- Jimmy Swaggart, 5/20/88 \
',' \
"Dump the condiments.  If we are to be eaten, we don\'t need to taste good." \
-- "Visionaries" cartoon \
',' \
"Aww, if you make me cry anymore, you\'ll fog up my helmet." \
-- "Visionaries" cartoon \
',' \
I don\'t want to be young again, I just don\'t want to get any older. \
',' \
Marriage Ceremony:  An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the  \
law being dragged into the affairs of your family. \
-- O. C. Ogilvie \
',' \
  "Emergency!"  Sgiggs screamed, ejecting himself from the tub like it was \
a burning car.  "Dial \'one\'!  Get room service!  Code red!"  Stiggs was on \
the phone immediately, ordering more rose blossoms, because, according to \
him, the ones floating in the tub had suddenly lost their smell.  "I demand \
smell," he shrilled.  "I expecting total uninterrupted smell from these \
f*cking roses." \
 \
  Unfortunately, the service captain didn\'t realize that the Stiggs situation \
involved fifty roses.  "What am I going to do with this?" Stiggs sneered at \
the weaseling hotel goon when he appeared at our door holding a single flower \
floating in a brandy glass.  Stiggs\'s tirade was great.  "Do you see this \
bathtub?  Do you notice any difference between the size of the tub and the \
size of that spindly wad of petals in your hand?  I need total bath coverage. \
I need a completely solid layer of roses all around me like puffing factories \
of smell, attacking me with their smell and power-ramming big stinking \
concentrations of rose odor up my nostrils until I\'m wasted with pleasure." \
It wasn\'t long before we got so dissatisfied with this incompetence that we \
bolted. \
-- The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs, \
   National Lampoon, October 1982 \
',' \
When it is incorrect, it is, at least *authoritatively* incorrect. \
-- Hitchiker\'s Guide To The Galaxy \
',' \
We decided it was night again, so we camped for twenty minutes and drank  \
another six beers at a Young Life campsite.  O.C. got into the supervisory  \
adult\'s sleeping bag and ran around in it.  "This is the judgment day and I\'m  \
a terrifying apparition," he screamed.  Then the heat made O.C. ralph in the \
bag. \
-- The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs, \
   National Lampoon, October 1982 \
',' \
Voodoo Programming:  Things programmers do that they know shouldn\'t work but \
they try anyway, and which sometimes actually work, such as recompiling \
everything. \
-- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
This is, of course, totally uninformed specualation that I engage in to help  \
support my bias against such meddling... but there you have it. \
-- Peter da Silva, speculating about why a computer program that had been \
changed to do something he didn\'t approve of, didn\'t work \
',' \
"This knowledge I pursure is the finest pleasure I have ever known.  I could \
no sooner give it up that I could the very air that I breath." \
-- Paolo Uccello, Renaissance artist, discoverer of the laws of perspective \
',' \
"I got everybody to pay up front...then I blew up their planet." \
  "Now why didn\'t I think of that?" \
-- Post Bros. Comics \
',' \
"Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed." \
-- Robin, The Boy Wonder \
',' \
The F-15 Eagle:   \
	If it\'s up, we\'ll shoot it down.  If it\'s down, we\'ll blow it up. \
-- A McDonnel-Douglas ad from a few years ago \
',' \
"The Amiga is the only personal computer where you can run a multitasking  \
operating system and get realtime performance, out of the box." \
-- Peter da Silva \
',' \
"It\'s my cookie file and if I come up with something that\'s lame and I like it, \
it goes in." \
-- karl (Karl Lehenbauer) \
',' \
In recognizing AT&T Bell Laboratories for corporate innovation, for its \
invention of cellular mobile communications, IEEE President Russell C. Drew \
referred to the cellular telephone as a "basic necessity."  How times have \
changed, one observer remarked: many in the room recalled the advent of \
direct dialing. \
-- The Institute, July 1988, pg. 11 \
',' \
...the Soviets have the capability to try big projects.  If there is a goal, \
such as when Gorbachev states that they are going to have nuclear-powered \
aircraft carriers, the case is closed -- that is it.  They will concentrate \
on the problem, do a bad job, and later pay the price.  They really don\'t \
care what the price is. \
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976 \
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100 \
',' \
There is something you must understand about the Soviet system.  They have the \
ability to concentrate all their efforts on a given design, and develop all \
components simulateously, but sometimes without proper testing.  Then they end \
up with a technological disaster like the Tu-144.  In a technology race at \
the time, that aircraft was two months ahead of the Concorde.  Four Tu-144s \
were built; two have crashed, and two are in museums.  The Concorde has been \
flying safely for over 10 years. \
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976 \
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100 \
',' \
DE:  The Soviets seem to have difficulty implementing modern technology. \
     Would you comment on that? \
 \
Belenko:  Well, let\'s talk about aircraft engine lifetime.  When I flew the \
	  MiG-25, its engines had a total lifetime of 250 hours. \
 \
DE:  Is that mean-time-between-failure? \
 \
Belenko:  No, the engine is finished; it is scrapped. \
 \
DE:  You mean they pull it out and throw it away, not even overhauling it? \
 \
Belenko:  That is correct.  Overhaul is too expensive. \
 \
DE:  That is absurdly low by free world standards. \
 \
Belenko:  I know. \
-- an interview with Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976 \
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 102 \
',' \
"I have a friend who just got back from the Soviet Union, and told me the people \
there are hungry for information about the West.  He was asked about many  \
things, but I will give you two examples that are very revealing about life in \
the Soviet Union.  The first question he was asked was if we had exploding \
television sets.  You see, they have a problem with the picture tubes on color \
television sets, and many are exploding.  They assumed we must be having  \
problems with them too.  The other question he was asked often was why the \
CIA had killed Samantha Smith, the little girl who visited the Soviet Union a \
few years ago; their propaganda is very effective. \
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976 \
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100 \
',' \
"...I could accept this openness, glasnost, perestroika, or whatever you want \
to call it if they did these things: abolish the one party system; open the \
Soviet frontier and allow Soviet people to travel freely; allow the Soviet \
people to have real free enterprise; allow Western businessmen to do business \
there, and permit freedom of speech and of the press.  But so far, the whole \
country is like a concentration camp.  The barbed wire on the fence around \
the Soviet Union is to keep people inside, in the dark.  This openness that \
you are seeing, all these changes, are cosmetic and they have been designed \
to impress shortsighted, naive, sometimes stupid Western leaders.  These \
leaders gush over Gorbachev, hoping to do business with the Soviet Union or \
appease it.  He will say: "Yes, we can do business!"  This while his \
military machine in Afghanistan has killed over a million people out of a \
population of 17 million.  Can you imagine that? \
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976 \
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 110 \
',' \
"Remember Kruschev:  he tried to do too many things too fast, and he was  \
removed in disgrace.  If Gorbachev tries to destroy the system or make too \
many fundamental changes to it, I believe the system will get rid of him. \
I am not a political scientist, but I understand the system very well. \
I believe he will have a "heart attack" or retire or be removed.  He is \
up against a brick wall.  If you think they will change everything and \
become a free, open society, forget it!" \
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976 \
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 110 \
',' \
FORTRAN?  The syntactically incorrect statement "DO 10 I = 1.10" will parse and \
generate code creating a variable, DO10I, as follows: "DO10I = 1.10"  If that \
doesn\'t terrify you, it should. \
',' \
"I knew then (in 1970) that a 4-kbyte minicomputer would cost as much as \
a house.  So I reasoned that after college, I\'d have to live cheaply in \
an apartment and put all my money into owning a computer." \
-- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45 \
',' \
HP had a unique policy of allowing its engineers to take parts from stock as \
long as they built something.  "They figured that with every design, they were  \
getting a better engineer.  It\'s a policy I urge all companies to adopt." \
-- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, "Will Wozniak\'s class give Apple to teacher?" \
   EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45 \
',' \
"I just want to be a good engineer." \
-- Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple Computer, concluding his keynote speech  \
   at the 1988 AppleFest \
',' \
"There\'s always been Tower of Babel sort of bickering inside Unix, but this \
is the most extreme form ever.  This means at least several years of confusion." \
-- Bill Gates, founder and chairman of Microsoft,  \
   about the Open Systems Foundation \
',' \
"When in doubt, print \'em out." \
-- Karl\'s Programming Proverb 0x7 \
',' \
"If you want the best things to happen in corporate life you have to find ways \
to be hospitable to the unusual person.  You don\'t get innovation as a  \
democratic process.  You almost get it as an anti-democratic process. \
Certainly you get it as an anthitetical process, so you have to have an \
environment where the body of people are really amenable to change and can \
deal with the conflicts that arise out of change an innovation." \
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc.,   \
   "Herman Miller\'s Secrets of Corporate Creativity", \
   The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988 \
',' \
"In corporate life, I think there are three important areas which contracts \
can\'t deal with, the area of conflict, the area of change and area of reaching \
potential.  To me a covenant is a relationship that is based on such things \
as shared ideals and shared value systems and shared ideas and shared \
agreement as to the processes we are going to use for working together.  In \
many cases they develop into real love relationships." \
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller\'s  \
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988 \
',' \
Another goal is to establish a relationship "in which it is OK for everybody \
to do their best.  There are an awful lot of people in management who really \
don\'t want subordinates to do their best, because it gets to be very \
threatening.  But we have found that both internally and with outside \
designers if we are willing to have this kind of relationship and if we\'re \
willing to be vulnerable to what will come out of it, we get really good \
work." \
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller\'s  \
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988 \
',' \
In his book, Mr. DePree tells the story of how designer George Nelson urged \
that the company also take on Charles Eames in the late 1940s.  Max\'s father, \
J. DePree, co-founder of the company with herman Miller in 1923, asked Mr. \
Nelson if he really wanted to share the limited opportunities of a then-small \
company with another designer.  "George\'s response was something like this: \
\'Charles Eames is an unusual talent.  He is very different from me.  The \
company needs us both.  I want very much to have Charles Eames share in \
whatever potential there is.\'" \
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller\'s  \
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988 \
',' \
Mr. DePree believes participative capitalism is the wave of the future.  The \
U.S. work force, he believes, "more and more demands to be included in the \
capitalist system and if we don\'t find ways to get the capitalist system \
to be an inclusive system rather than the exclusive system it has been, we\'re \
all in deep trouble.  If we don\'t find ways to begin to understand that  \
capitalism\'s highest potential lies in the common good, not in the individual \
good, then we\'re risking the system itself." \
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller\'s  \
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988 \
',' \
Mr. DePree also expects a "tremendous social change" in all workplaces.  "When \
I first started working 40 years ago, a factory supervisor was focused on the \
product.  Today it is drastically different, because of the social milieu. \
It isn\'t unusual for a worker to arrive on his shift and have some family \
problem that he doesn\'t know how to resolve.  The example I like to use is a \
guy who comes in and says \'this isn\'t going to be a good day for me, my son \
is in jail on a drunk-driving charge and I don\'t know how to raise bail.\' \
What that means is that if the supervisor wants productivity, he has to know \
how to raise bail." \
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller\'s  \
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988 \
',' \
Fools ignore complexity.  Pragmatists suffer it. \
Some can avoid it.  Geniuses remove it. \
-- Perlis\'s Programming Proverb #58, SIGPLAN Notices, Sept.  1982 \
',' \
"What if" is a trademark of Hewlett Packard, so stop using it in your \
sentences without permission, or risk being sued. \
',' \
Now, if the leaders of the world -- people who are leaders by virtue of  \
political, military or financial power, and not necessarily wisdom or \
consideration for mankind -- if these leaders manage not to pull us \
over the brink into planetary suicide, despite their occasional pompous \
suggestions that they may feel obliged to do so, we may survive beyond \
1988.   \
-- George Rostky, EE Times, June 20, 1988 p. 45 \
',' \
The essential ideas of Algol 68 were that the whole language should be \
precisely defined and that all the pieces should fit together smoothly. \
The basic idea behind Pascal was that it didn\'t matter how vague the \
language specification was (it took *years* to clarify) or how many rough \
edges there were, as long as the CDC Pascal compiler was fast. \
-- Richard A. O\'Keefe \
',' \
"We came.  We saw.  We kicked its ass." \
-- Bill Murray, _Ghostbusters_ \
',' \
"The stars are made of the same atoms as the earth."  I usually pick one small \
topic like this to give a lecture on.  Poets say science takes away from the \
beauty of the stars -- mere gobs of gas atoms.  Nothing is "mere."  I too can \
see the stars on a desert night, and feel them.  But do I see less or more? \
The vastness of the heavens stretches my imagination -- stuck on this carousel \
my little eye can catch one-million-year-old light.  A vast pattern -- of which \
I am a part -- perhaps my stuff was belched from some forgotten star, as one \
is belching there.  Or see them with the greater eye of Palomar, rushing all \
apart from some common starting point when they were perhaps all together. \
What is the pattern, or the meaning, or the *why?*  It does not do harm to the  \
mystery to know a little about it.  For far more marvelous is the truth than \
any artists of the past imagined!  Why do the poets of the present not speak \
of it?  What men are poets who can speak of Jupiter if he were like a man, but \
if he is an immense spinning sphere of methane and ammonia must be silent? \
-- Richard P. Feynman (1918-1988) \
',' \
If you permit yourself to read meanings into (rather than drawing meanings out \
of) the evidence, you can draw any conclusion you like. \
-- Michael Keith, "The Bar-Code Beast", The Skeptical Enquirer Vol 12 No 4 p 416 \
',' \
"Pseudocode can be used to some extent to aid the maintenance \
process.  However, pseudocode that is highly detailed - \
approaching the level of detail of the code itself - is not of \
much use as maintenance documentation.  Such detailed \
documentation has to be maintained almost as much as the code, \
thus doubling the maintenance burden.  Furthermore, since such \
voluminous pseudocode is too distracting to be kept in the \
listing itself, it must be kept in a separate folder.  The \
result: Since pseudocode - unlike real code - doesn\'t have to be \
maintained, no one will maintain it.  It will soon become out of \
date and everyone will ignore it.  (Once, I did an informal \
survey of 42 shops that used pseudocode.  Of those 42, 0 [zero!], \
found that it had any value as maintenance documentation." \
         --Meilir Page-Jones, "The Practical Guide to Structured \
           Design", Yourdon Press (c) 1988 \
',' \
"Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and not \
make the simple next step of supporting multitasking." \
-- George McFry \
',' \
Sigmund Freud is alleged to have said that in the last analysis the entire field \
of psychology may reduce to biological electrochemistry. \
',' \
The magician is seated in his high chair and looks upon the world with favor. \
He is at the height of his powers.  If he closes his eyes, he causes the world \
to disappear.  If he opens his eyes, he causes the world to come back.  If \
there is harmony within him, the world is harmonious.  If rage shatters his \
inner harmony, the unity of the world is shattered.  If desire arises within \
him, he utters the magic syllables that causes the desired object to appear. \
His wishes, his thoughts, his gestures, his noises command the universe. \
-- Selma Fraiberg, _The Magic Years_, pg. 107 \
',' \
An Animal that knows who it is, one that has a sense of his own identity, is \
a discontented creature, doomed to create new problems for himself for the \
duration of his stay on this planet.  Since neither the mouse nor the chip \
knows what is, he is spared all the vexing problems that follow this \
discovery.  But as soon as the human animal who asked himself this question \
emerged, he plunged himself and his descendants into an eternity of doubt \
and brooding, speculation and truth-seeking that has goaded him through the \
centures as reelentlessly as hunger or sexual longing.  The chimp that does \
not know that he exists is not driven to discover his origins and is spared \
the tragic necessity of contemplating his own end.  And even if the animal  \
experimenters succeed in teaching a chimp to count one hundred bananas or  \
to play chess, the chimp will develop no science and he will exhibit no  \
appreciation of beauty, for the greatest part of man\'s wisdom may be traced \
back to the eternal questions of beginnings and endings, the quest to give \
meaning to his existence, to life itself. \
-- Selma Fraiberg, _The Magic Years_, pg. 193 \
',' \
A comment on schedules: \
 Ok, how long will it take?     \
   For each manager involved in initial meetings add one month. \
   For each manager who says "data flow analysis" add another month. \
   For each unique end-user type add one month. \
   For each unknown software package to be employed add two months. \
   For each unknown hardware device add two months. \
   For each 100 miles between developer and installation add one month. \
   For each type of communication channel add one month. \
   If an IBM mainframe shop is involved and you are working on a non-IBM \
      system add 6 months. \
   If an IBM mainframe shop is involved and you are working on an IBM \
      system add 9 months. \
Round up to the nearest half-year. \
--Brad Sherman \
By the way, ALL software projects are done by iterative prototyping. \
Some companies call their prototypes "releases", that\'s all. \
',' \
    UNIX Shell is the Best Fourth Generation Programming Language \
 \
    It is the UNIX shell that makes it possible to do applications in a small  \
    fraction of the code and time it takes in third generation languages.  In  \
    the shell you process whole files at a time, instead of only a line at a  \
    time.  And, a line of code in the UNIX shell is one or more programs, \
    which do more than pages of instructions in a 3GL.  Applications can be \
    developed in hours and days, rather than months and years with traditional \
    systems.  Most of the other 4GLs available today look more like COBOL or \
    RPG, the most tedious of the third generation lanaguages. \
 \
"UNIX Relational Database Management:  Application Development in the UNIX  \
 Environment" by Rod Manis, Evan Schaffer, and Robert Jorgensen.  Prentice \
 Hall Software Series.  Brian Kerrighan, Advisor.  1988. \
',' \
"Laugh while you can, monkey-boy." \
-- Dr. Emilio Lizardo \
',' \
"Floggings will continue until morale improves." \
-- anonymous flyer being distributed at Exxon USA \
',' \
"Hey Ivan, check your six." \
-- Sidewinder missile jacket patch, showing a Sidewinder driving up the tail \
 of a Russian Su-27 \
',' \
"Free markets select for winning solutions." \
-- Eric S. Raymond \
',' \
"I dislike companies that have a we-are-the-high-priests-of-hardware-so-you\'ll- \
like-what-we-give-you attitude.  I like commodity markets in which iron-and- \
silicon hawkers know that they exist to provide fast toys for software types \
like me to play with..." \
-- Eric S. Raymond \
',' \
"The urge to destroy is also a creative urge." \
-- Bakunin \
[ed. note - I would say: The urge to destroy may sometimes be a creative urge.] \
',' \
"A commercial, and in some respects a social, doubt has been started within the \
 last year or two, whether or not it is right to discuss so openly the security \
 or insecurity of locks.  Many well-meaning persons suppose that the discus- \
 sion respecting the means for baffling the supposed safety of locks offers a \
 premium for dishonesty, by showing others how to be dishonest.  This is a fal- \
 lacy.  Rogues are very keen in their profession, and already know much more \
 than we can teach them respecting their several kinds of roguery.  Rogues knew \
 a good deal about lockpicking long before locksmiths discussed it among them- \
 selves, as they have lately done.  If a lock -- let it have been made in what- \
 ever country, or by whatever maker -- is not so inviolable as it has hitherto \
 been deemed to be, surely it is in the interest of *honest* persons to know \
 this fact, because the *dishonest* are tolerably certain to be the first to \
 apply the knowledge practically; and the spread of knowledge is necessary to \
 give fair play to those who might suffer by ignorance.  It cannot be too ear- \
 nestly urged, that an acquaintance with real facts will, in the end, be better \
 for all parties." \
-- Charles Tomlinson\'s Rudimentary Treatise on the Construction of Locks,  \
   published around 1850  \
',' \
 In respect to lock-making, there can scarcely be such a thing as dishonesty  \
 of intention: the inventor produces a lock which he honestly thinks will  \
 possess such and such qualities; and he declares his belief to the world. \
 If others differ from him in opinion concerning those qualities, it is open \
 to them to say so; and the discussion, truthfully conducted, must lead to \
 public advantage: the discussion stimulates curiosity, and curiosity stimu- \
 lates invention.  Nothing but a partial and limited view of the question \
 could lead to the opinion that harm can result: if there be harm, it will be \
 much more than counterbalanced by good." \
-- Charles Tomlinson\'s Rudimentary Treatise on the Construction of Locks,  \
   published around 1850. \
',' \
"Wish not to seem, but to be, the best." \
-- Aeschylus \
',' \
"Survey says..." \
-- Richard Dawson, weenie, on "Family Feud" \
',' \
"Paul Lynde to block..." \
-- a contestant on "Hollywood Squares" \
',' \
"Little else matters than to write good code." \
-- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
To write good code is a worthy challenge, and a source of civilized delight. \
-- stolen and paraphrased from William Safire \
',' \
"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward" \
-- William E. Davidsen \
',' \
"If a computer can\'t directly address all the RAM you can use, it\'s just a toy." \
-- anonymous comp.sys.amiga posting, non-sequitir \
',' \
"Never laugh at live dragons, Bilbo you fool!" he said to himself, and it became \
a favourite saying of his later, and passed into a proverb. "You aren\'t nearly \
through this adventure yet," he added, and that was pretty true as well. \
-- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkien, Chapter XII \
',' \
"A dirty mind is a joy forever." \
-- Randy Kunkee \
',' \
"You can\'t teach seven foot." \
-- Frank Layton, Utah Jazz basketball coach, when asked why he had recruited \
   a seven-foot tall auto mechanic \
',' \
"A car is just a big purse on wheels." \
-- Johanna Reynolds \
',' \
"History is a tool used by politicians to justify their intentions." \
-- Ted Koppel \
',' \
"Gozer the Gozerian:  As the duly appointed representative of the city, \
county and state of New York, I hereby order you to cease all supernatural \
activities at once and proceed immediately to your place of origin or \
the nearest parallel dimension, whichever is nearest." \
-- Ray (Dan Akyroyd, _Ghostbusters_ \
',' \
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more \
doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of a \
new system.  For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit by \
the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders in \
those who would gain by the new ones. \
-- Machiavelli \
',' \
God grant me the senility to accept the things I cannot change, \
The frustration to try to change things I cannot affect, \
and the wisdom to tell the difference. \
',' \
First as to speech.  That privilege rests upon the premise that \
there is no proposition so uniformly acknowledged that it may not be \
lawfully challenged, questioned, and debated.  It need not rest upon \
the further premise that there are no propositions that are not \
open to doubt; it is enough, even if there are, that in the end it is \
worse to suppress dissent than to run the risk of heresy.  Hence it \
has been again and again unconditionally proclaimed that there are \
no limits to the privilege so far as words seek to affect only the hearers\' \
beliefs and not their conduct.  The trouble is that conduct is almost \
always based upon some belief, and that to change the hearer\'s belief \
will generally to some extent change his conduct, and may even evoke \
conduct that the law forbids. \
 \
[cf. Learned Hand, The Spirit of Liberty, University of Chicago Press, 1952; \
The Art and Craft of Judging: The Decisions of Judge Learned Hand, \
edited and annotated by Hershel Shanks, The MacMillian Company, 1968.] \
',' \
The late rebellion in Massachusetts has given more alarm than I think it  \
should have done.  Calculate that one rebellion in 13 states in the course  \
of 11 years, is but one for each state in a century and a half.  No country  \
should be so long without one. \
-- Thomas Jefferson in letter to James Madison, 20 December 1787 \
',' \
"Nine years of ballet, asshole." \
-- Shelly Long, to the bad guy after making a jump over a gorge that he \
   couldn\'t quite, in "Outrageous Fortune" \
',' \
You are in a maze of UUCP connections, all alike. \
',' \
"If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can\'t he make his wife\'s \
 hairdo go down?" \
-- Robin Williams \
',' \
8)   Use common sense in routing cable.  Avoid wrapping coax around sources of \
     strong electric or magnetic fields.  Do not wrap the cable around \
     flourescent light ballasts or cyclotrons, for example. \
-- Ethernet Headstart Product, Information and Installation Guide, \
   Bell Technologies, pg. 11 \
',' \
"What a wonder is USENET; such wholesale production of conjecture from \
such a trifling investment in fact." \
-- Carl S. Gutekunst \
',' \
VMS must die! \
',' \
MS-DOS must die! \
',' \
OS/2 must die! \
',' \
Pournelle must die! \
',' \
Garbage In, Gospel Out \
',' \
"Being against torture ought to be sort of a multipartisan thing." \
-- Karl Lehenbauer, as amended by Jeff Daiell, a Libertarian \
',' \
"Facts are stupid things." \
-- President Ronald Reagan  \
   (a blooper from his speeach at the \'88 GOP convention) \
',' \
"The argument that the literal story of Genesis can qualify as science \
collapses on three major grounds: the creationists\' need to invoke \
miracles in order to compress the events of the earth\'s history into \
the biblical span of a few thousand years; their unwillingness to  \
abandon claims clearly disproved, including the assertion that all \
fossils are products of Noah\'s flood; and their reliance upon distortion, \
misquote, half-quote, and citation out of context to characterize the \
ideas of their opponents." \
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",  \
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Winter 87/88, pg. 186 \
',' \
"An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of code." \
-- an anonymous programmer \
',' \
"To IBM, \'open\' means there is a modicum of interoperability among some of their \
equipment." \
-- Harv Masterson \
',' \
"Just think of a computer as hardware you can program." \
-- Nigel de la Tierre \
',' \
"If you own a machine, you are in turn owned by it, and spend your time \
 serving it..." \
-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, _The Forbidden Tower_ \
',' \
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler." \
-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
"Card readers?  We don\'t need no stinking card readers." \
-- Peter da Silva (at the National Academy of Sciencies, 1965, in a \
   particularly vivid fantasy) \
',' \
Your good nature will bring unbounded happiness. \
',' \
Semper Fi, dude. \
',' \
Excitement and danger await your induction to tracer duty!  As a tracer, \
you must rid the computer networks of slimy, criminal data thieves. \
They are tricky and the action gets tough, so watch out!  Utilizing all \
your skills, you\'ll either get your man or you\'ll get burned! \
-- advertising for the computer game "Tracers" \
',' \
"An entire fraternity of strapping Wall-Street-bound youth.  Hell - this \
is going to be a blood bath!" \
-- Post Bros. Comics \
',' \
"Neighbors!!  We got neighbors!  We ain\'t supposed to have any neighbors, and \
I just had to shoot one." \
-- Post Bros. Comics \
',' \
"Gotcha, you snot-necked weenies!" \
-- Post Bros. Comics \
',' \
interlard - vt., to intersperse; diversify \
-- Webster\'s New World Dictionary Of The American Language \
',' \
"Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it." \
-- Mark Twain \
',' \
"How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?" \
   "FIFTEEN!!  YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?" \
',' \
"If you weren\'t my teacher, I\'d think you just deleted all my files." \
-- an anonymous UCB CS student, to an instructor who had typed "rm -i *" to \
   get rid of a file named "-f" on a Unix system. \
',' \
"The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral \
crisis, preserved their neutrality." \
-- Dante \
',' \
"The medium is the message." \
-- Marshall McLuhan \
',' \
"The medium is the massage." \
-- Crazy Nigel \
',' \
"Show me a good loser, and I\'ll show you a loser." \
-- Vince Lombardi, football coach \
',' \
"It might help if we ran the MBA\'s out of Washington." \
-- Admiral Grace Hopper \
',' \
Refreshed by a brief blackout, I got to my feet and went next door. \
-- Martin Amis, _Money_ \
',' \
The sprung doors parted and I staggered out into the lobby\'s teak and flicker. \
Uniformed men stood by impassively like sentries in their trench.  I slapped \
my key on the desk and nodded gravely.  I was loaded enough to be unable to \
tell whether they could tell I was loaded.  Would they mind?  I was certainly \
too loaded to care.  I moved to the door with boxy, schlep-shouldered strides. \
-- Martin Amis, _Money_ \
',' \
I ask only one thing.  I\'m understanding.  I\'m mature.  And it isn\'t much to \
ask.  I want to get back to London, and track her down, and be alone with my \
Selina -- or not even alone, damn it, merely close to her, close enough to \
smell her skin, to see the flecked webbing of her lemony eyes, the moulding \
of her artful lips.  Just for a few precious seconds.  Just long enough to \
put in one good, clean punch.  That\'s all I ask. \
-- Martin Amis, _Money_ \
',' \
"Love may fail, but courtesy will previal." \
-- A Kurt Vonnegut fan \
',' \
New York is a jungle, they tell you.  You could go further, and say that \
New York is a jungle.  New York *is a jungle.*  Beneath the columns of \
the old rain forest, made of melting macadam, the mean Limpopo of swamped  \
Ninth Avenue bears an angry argosy of crocs and dragons, tiger fish, noise \
machines, sweating rainmakers.  On the corners stand witchdoctors and \
headhunters, babbling voodoo-men -- the natives, the jungle-smart natives. \
And at night, under the equatorial overgrowth and heat-holding cloud \
cover, you hear the ragged parrot-hoot and monkeysqueak of the sirens, \
and then fires flower to ward off monsters.  Careful: the streets are \
sprung with pits and nets and traps.  Hire a guide.  Pack your snakebite \
gook and your blowdart serum.  Take it seriously.  You have to get a \
bit jungle-wise. \
-- Martin Amis, _Money_ \
',' \
Now I was heading, in my hot cage, down towards meat-market country on the \
tip of the West Village.  Here the redbrick warehouses double as carcass \
galleries and rat hives, the Manhattan fauna seeking its necessary \
level, living or dead.  Here too you find the heavy faggot hangouts, \
The Spike, the Water Closet, the Mother Load.  Nobody knows what goes on \
in these places.  Only the heavy faggots know.  Even Fielding seems somewhat  \
vague on the question.  You get zapped and flogged and dumped on -- by \
almost anybody\'s standards, you have a really terrible time.  The average \
patron arrives at the Spike in one taxi but needs to go back to his sock \
in two.  And then the next night he shows up for more.  They shackle  \
themselves to racks, they bask in urinals.  Their folks have a lot of \
explaining to do, if you want my opinion, particularly the mums.  Sorry \
to single you ladies out like this but the story must start somewhere.   \
A craving for hourly murder -- it can\'t be willed.  In the meantime, \
Fielding tells me, Mother Nature looks on and taps her foot and clicks \
her tongue.  Always a champion of monogamy, she is cooking up some fancy \
new diseases.  She just isn\'t going to stand for it. \
-- Martin Amis, _Money_ \
',' \
"You tried it just for once, found it alright for kicks, \
 but now you find out you have a habit that sticks, \
 you\'re an orgasm addict, \
 you\'re always at it, \
 and you\'re an orgasm addict." \
-- The Buzzcocks \
',' \
"There is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress." \
-- Mark Twain \
',' \
"You\'ll pay to know what you really think." \
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs \
',' \
"We live, in a very kooky time." \
-- Herb Blashtfalt \
',' \
"Pull the wool over your own eyes!" \
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs \
',' \
"Okay," Bobby said, getting the hang of it, "then what\'s the matrix?  If \
she\'s a deck, and Danbala\'s a program, what\'s cyberspace?" \
  "The world," Lucas said. \
-- William Gibson, _Count Zero_ \
',' \
"Our reruns are better than theirs." \
-- Nick at Nite \
',' \
Life is a game.  Money is how we keep score. \
-- Ted Turner \
',' \
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." \
-- The Wizard Of Oz \
',' \
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." \
-- Karl, as he stepped behind the computer to reboot it, during a FAT \
',' \
"It ain\'t so much the things we don\'t know that get us in trouble.  It\'s the \
things we know that ain\'t so." \
-- Artemus Ward aka Charles Farrar Brown \
',' \
"Don\'t discount flying pigs before you have good air defense." \
-- jvh@clinet.FI \
',' \
"In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble." \
-- Alan Perlis \
',' \
"Pok pok pok, P\'kok!" \
-- Superchicken \
',' \
Live Free or Live in Massachusettes. \
',' \
"You can\'t get very far in this world without your dossier being there first." \
-- Arthur Miller \
',' \
"Flight Reservation systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information \
isn\'t in their database, then you simply don\'t get to go anywhere." \
-- Arthur Miller \
',' \
"What people have been reduced to are mere 3-D representations of their own  \
data." \
-- Arthur Miller \
',' \
"The Avis WIZARD decides if you get to drive a car. Your head won\'t touch the \
pillow of a Sheraton unless their computer says it\'s okay." \
-- Arthur Miller \
',' \
"They know your name, address, telephone number, credit card numbers, who ELSE \
is driving the car "for insurance", ...  your driver\'s license number. In the \
state of Massachusetts, this is the same number as that used for Social \
Security, unless you object to such use. In THAT case, you are ASSIGNED a \
number and you reside forever more on the list of "weird people who don\'t give \
out their Social Security Number in Massachusetts." \
-- Arthur Miller \
',' \
"Data is a lot like humans:  It is born.  Matures.  Gets married to other data, \
divorced. Gets old.  One thing that it doesn\'t do is die.  It has to be killed." \
-- Arthur Miller \
',' \
"People should have access to the data which you have about them.  There should \
 be a process for them to challenge any inaccuracies." \
-- Arthur Miller \
',' \
"Although Poles suffer official censorship, a pervasive secret \
police and laws similar to those in the USSR, there are \
thousands of underground publications, a legal independent \
Church, private agriculture, and the East bloc\'s first and only \
independent trade union federation, NSZZ Solidarnosc, which is \
an affiliate of both the International Confederation of Free \
Trade Unions and the World Confederation of Labor.  There is \
literally a world of difference between Poland - even in its \
present state of collapse - and Soviet society at the peak of \
its "glasnost."  This difference has been maintained at great \
cost by the Poles since 1944. \
-- David Phillips, SUNY at Buffalo, about establishing a \
   gateway from EARN (Eurpoean Academic Research Network) \
   to Poland \
',' \
"There is also a thriving independent student movement in \
Poland, and thus there is a strong possibility (though no \
guarantee) of making an EARN-Poland link, should it ever come \
about, a genuine link - not a vacuum cleaner attachment for a \
Bloc information gathering apparatus rationed to trusted \
apparatchiks." \
-- David Phillips, SUNY at Buffalo, about establishing a \
   gateway from EARN (Eurpoean Academic Research Network) \
   to Poland \
',' \
"Do not lose your knowledge that man\'s proper estate is an upright posture, \
an intransigent mind, and a step that travels unlimited roads." \
-- John Galt, in Ayn Rand\'s _Atlas Shrugged_ \
',' \
Don\'t panic. \
',' \
The bug stops here. \
',' \
The bug starts here. \
',' \
"Why waste negative entropy on comments, when you could use the same \
entropy to create bugs instead?" \
-- Steve Elias \
',' \
"The pathology is to want control, not that you ever get it, because of \
course you never do." \
-- Gregory Bateson \
',' \
"Your butt is mine." \
-- Michael Jackson, Bad \
',' \
Ship it. \
',' \
"Once they go up, who cares where they come down?  That\'s not my department." \
-- Werner von Braun \
',' \
"When the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat everything as if \
it were a nail." \
-- Abraham Maslow \
',' \
"Imitation is the sincerest form of television." \
-- The New Mighty Mouse \
',' \
"The lesser of two evils -- is evil." \
-- Seymour (Sy) Leon \
',' \
"It\'s no sweat, Henry.  Russ made it back to Bugtown before he died.  So he\'ll \
regenerate in a couple of days.  It\'s just awful sloppy of him to get killed in \
the first place.  Humph!" \
-- Ron Post, Post Brothers Comics \
',' \
"An honest god is the noblest work of man.  ... God has always resembled his \
creators.  He hated and loved what they hated and loved and he was invariably \
found on the side of those in power. ... Most of the gods were pleased with \
sacrifice, and the smell of innocent blood has ever been considered a divine \
perfume." \
-- Robert G. Ingersoll \
',' \
"We are not endeavoring to chain the future but to free the present. ... We are \
the advocates of inquiry, investigation, and thought. ... It is grander to think \
and investigate for yourself than to repeat a creed. ... I look for the day \
when *reason*, throned upon the world\'s brains, shall be the King of Kings and \
the God of Gods. \
-- Robert G. Ingersoll \
',' \
"I honestly believe that the doctrine of hell was born in the glittering eyes \
of snakes that run in frightful coils watching for their prey.  I believe \
it was born with the yelping, howling, growling and snarling of wild beasts... \
I despise it, I defy it, and I hate it." \
-- Robert G. Ingersoll \
',' \
"Is this foreplay?" \
   "No, this is Nuke Strike.  Foreplay has lousy graphics.  Beat me again." \
-- Duckert, in "Bad Rubber," Albedo #0 (comics) \
',' \
egrep patterns are full regular expressions; it uses a fast deterministic \
algorithm that sometimes needs exponential space. \
-- unix manuals \
',' \
"A mind is a terrible thing to have leaking out your ears." \
-- The League of Sadistic Telepaths \
',' \
"Life sucks, but it\'s better than the alternative." \
-- Peter da Silva \
',' \
If this is a service economy, why is the service so bad? \
',' \
"I shall expect a chemical cure for psychopathic behavior by 10 A.M. tomorrow, \
or I\'ll have your guts for spaghetti." \
-- a comic panel by Cotham  \
',' \
"Even if you\'re on the right track, you\'ll get run over if you just sit there." \
-- Will Rogers \
',' \
"An open mind has but one disadvantage: it collects dirt." \
-- a saying at RPI \
',' \
"The geeks shall inherit the earth." \
-- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
"Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers." \
-- Chip Salzenberg \
',' \
"Elvis is my copilot." \
-- Cal Keegan \
',' \
"The fundamental principle of science, the definition almost, is this: the \
sole test of the validity of any idea is experiment." \
-- Richard P. Feynman \
',' \
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? \
   Let\'s see, can you use a shell script for that or does it need a C program? \
',' \
"Don\'t hate me because I\'m beautiful.  Hate me because I\'m beautiful, smart  \
and rich." \
-- Calvin Keegan \
',' \
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so \
certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts." \
-- Bertrand Russell \
',' \
Always look over your shoulder because everyone is watching and plotting \
against you. \
',' \
"Let us condemn to hellfire all those who disagree with us." \
-- militant religionists everywhere \
',' \
Baby On Board. \
',' \
"The net result is a system that is not only binary compatible with 4.3 BSD, \
but is even bug for bug compatible in almost all features." \
-- Avadit Tevanian, Jr., "Architecture-Independent Virtual Memory Management \
   for Parallel and Distributed Environments:  The Mach Approach" \
',' \
"The number of Unix installations has grown to 10, with more expected." \
-- The Unix Programmer\'s Manual, 2nd Edition, June, 1972 \
',' \
"Engineering without management is art." \
-- Jeff Johnson \
',' \
"I\'m not a god, I was misquoted." \
-- Lister, Red Dwarf \
',' \
Brain off-line, please wait. \
',' \
--  \
-- uunet!sugar!karl  | "We\'ve been following your progress with considerable  \
-- karl@sugar.uu.net |  interest, not to say contempt."  -- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV \
-- Usenet BBS (713) 438-5018 \
 \
 \
 \
th-th-th-th-That\'s all, folks! \
 \
----------- cut here, don\'t forget to strip junk at the end, too ------------- \
"Psychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!!" \
-- Zippy \
',' \
Are you having fun yet? \
',' \
"The vast majority of successful major crimes against property are \
perpetrated by individuals abusing positions of trust." \
-- Lawrence Dalzell \
',' \
"Perhaps I am flogging a straw herring in mid-stream, but in the light of \
what is known about the ubiquity of security vulnerabilities, it seems vastly \
too dangerous for university folks to run with their heads in the sand." \
-- Peter G. Neumann, RISKS moderator, about the Internet virus \
',' \
"Seed me, Seymour" \
-- a random number generator meets the big green mother from outer space \
',' \
"Buy land.  They\'ve stopped making it." \
-- Mark Twain \
',' \
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL." \
-- Dave Bowman, 2001 \
',' \
"There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations of \
pure chance..." \
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity\'s Rainbow_ \
',' \
...Saure really turns out to be an adept at the difficult art of papryomancy, \
the ability to prophesy through contemplating the way people roll reefers - \
the shape, the licking pattern, the wrinkles and folds or absence thereof \
in the paper.  "You will soon be in love," sez Saure, "see, this line here." \
"It\'s long, isn\'t it?  Does that mean --" "Length is usually intensity. \
Not time." \
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity\'s Rainbow_ \
',' \
Go ahead, capitalize the T on technology, deify it if it will make you feel \
less responsible -- but it puts you in with the neutered, brother, in with \
the eunuchs keeping the harem of our stolen Earth for the numb and joyless \
hardons of human sultans, human elite with no right at all to be where they \
are --" \
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity\'s Rainbow_ \
',' \
...the prevailing Catholic odor - incense, wax, centuries of mild bleating \
from the lips of the flock. \
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity\'s Rainbow_ \
',' \
...At that time [the 1960s], Bell Laboratories scientists projected that \
computer speeds as high as 30 million floating-point calculations per \
second (megaflops) would be needed for the Army\'s ballistic missile \
defense system.  Many computer experts -- including a National Academy \
of Sciences panel -- said achieving such speeds, even using multiple \
processors, was impossible.  Today, new generation supercomputers operate \
at billions of operations per second (gigaflops). \
-- Aviation Week & Space Technology, May 9, 1988, "Washington Roundup", pg 13 \
',' \
Shit Happens. \
',' \
backups: always in season, never out of style. \
',' \
"There was a vague, unpleasant manginess about his appearence; he somehow \
seemed dirty, though a close glance showed him as carefully shaven as an \
actor, and clad in immaculate linen." \
-- H.L. Mencken, on the death of William Jennings Bryan \
',' \
Work was impossible.  The geeks had broken my spirit.  They had done too \
many things wrong.  It was never like this for Mencken.  He lived like \
a Prussian gambler -- sweating worse than Bryan on some nights and drunker \
than Judas on others.  It was all a dehumanized nightmare...and these \
raddled cretins have the gall to complain about my deadlines. \
-- Hunter Thompson, "Bad Nerves in Fat City", _Generation of Swine_ \
',' \
"This generation may be the one that will face Armageddon." \
-- Ronald Reagan, "People" magazine, December 26, 1985 \
',' \
... The cable had passed us by; the dish was the only hope, and eventually \
we were all forced to turn to it.  By the summer of \'85, the valley had more \
satellite dishes per capita than an Eskimo village on the north slope of \
Alaska. \
 \
Mine was one of the last to go in.  I had been nervous from the start about \
the hazards of too much input, which is a very real problem with these \
things.  Watching TV becomes a full-time job when you can scan 200 channels \
all day and all night and still have the option of punching Night Dreams \
into the video machine, if the rest of the world seems dull. \
-- Hunter Thompson, "Full-time scrambling", _Generation of Swine_ \
',' \
"Call immediately.  Time is running out.  We both need to do something \
monstrous before we die." \
-- Message from Ralph Steadman to Hunter Thompson \
',' \
"The only way for a reporter to look at a politician is down." \
-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
"You don\'t go out and kick a mad dog.  If you have a mad dog with rabies, you \
take a gun and shoot him." \
-- Pat Robertson, TV Evangelist, about Muammar Kadhafy \
',' \
David Brinkley: The daily astrological charts are precisely where, in my \
  judgment, they belong, and that is on the comic page. \
George Will:  I don\'t think astrology belongs even on the comic pages. \
  The comics are making no truth claim. \
Brinkley:  Where would you put it? \
Will:  I wouldn\'t put it in the newspaper.  I think it\'s transparent rubbish. \
  It\'s a reflection of an idea that we expelled from Western thought in the \
  sixteenth century, that we are in the center of a caring universe.  We are \
  not the center of the universe, and it doesn\'t care.  The star\'s alignment \
  at the time of our birth -- that is absolute rubbish.  It is not funny to \
  have it intruded among people who have nuclear weapons. \
Sam Donaldson:  This isn\'t something new.  Governor Ronald Reagan was sworn \
  in just after midnight in his first term in Sacramento because the stars \
  said it was a propitious time. \
Will:  They [horoscopes] are utter crashing banalities.  They could apply to \
  anyone and anything. \
Brinkley:  When is the exact moment [of birth]?  I don\'t think the nurse is \
  standing there with a stopwatch and a notepad. \
Donaldson:  If we\'re making decisions based on the stars -- that\'s a cockamamie \
  thing.  People want to know. \
-- "This Week" with David Brinkley, ABC Television, Sunday, May 8, 1988, \
   excerpts from a discussion on Astrology and Reagan \
',' \
The reported resort to astrology in the White House has occasioned much \
merriment.  It is not funny.  Astrological gibberish, which means astrology \
generally, has no place in a newspaper, let alone government.  Unlike comics, \
which are part of a newspaper\'s harmless pleasure and make no truth claims, \
astrology is a fraud.  The idea that it gets a hearing in government is \
dismaying. \
-- George Will, Washing Post Writers Group \
',' \
Astrology is the sheerest hokum.  This pseudoscience has been around since \
the day of the Chaldeans and Babylonians.  It is as phony as numerology, \
phrenology, palmistry, alchemy, the reading of tea leaves, and the practice \
of divination by the entrails of a goat.  No serious person will buy the \
notion that our lives are influenced individually by the movement of \
distant planets.  This is the sawdust blarney of the carnival midway. \
-- James J. Kilpatrick, Universal Press Syndicate \
',' \
A serious public debate about the validity of astrology?  A serious believer \
in the White House?  Two of them?  Give me a break.  What stifled my laughter \
is that the image fits.  Reagan has always exhibited a fey indifference toward \
science.  Facts, like numbers, roll off his back.  And we\'ve all come to \
accept it.  This time it was stargazing that became a serious issue....Not \
that long ago, it was Reagan\'s support of Creationism....Creationists actually \
got equal time with evolutionists.  The public was supposed to be open-minded \
to the claims of paleontologists and fundamentalists, as if the two were \
scientific colleagues....It has been clear for a long time that the president \
is averse to science...In general, these attitudes fall onto friendly American \
turf....But at the outer edges, this skepticism about science easily turns \
into a kind of naive acceptance of nonscience, or even nonsense.  The same \
people who doubt experts can also believe any quackery, from the benefits of \
laetrile to eye of newt to the movment of planets.  We lose the capacity to \
make rational -- scientific -- judgments.  It\'s all the same. \
-- Ellen Goodman, The Boston Globe Newspaper Company-Washington Post Writers  \
    Group \
',' \
The spectacle of astrology in the White House -- the governing center of \
the world\'s greatest scientific and military power -- is so appalling that \
it defies understanding and provides grounds for great fright.  The easiest \
response is to laugh it off, and to indulge in wisecracks about Civil \
Service ratings for horoscope makers and palm readers and whether Reagan \
asked Mikhail Gorbachev for his sign.  A contagious good cheer is the \
hallmark of this presidency, even when the most dismal matters are concerned. \
But this time, it isn\'t funny.  It\'s plain scary. \
-- Daniel S. Greenberg, Editor, _Science and Government Report_, writing in \
   "Newsday", May 5, 1988 \
',' \
[Astrology is] 100 percent hokum, Ted.  As a matter of fact, the first edition \
of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, written in 1771 -- 1771! -- said that this \
belief system is a subject long ago ridiculed and reviled.  We\'re dealing with \
beliefs that go back to the ancient Babylonians.  There\'s nothing there.... \
It sounds a lot like science, it sounds like astronomy.  It\'s got technical \
terms.  It\'s got jargon.  It confuses the public....The astrologer is quite \
glib, confuses the public, uses terms which come from science, come from \
metaphysics, come from a host of fields, but they really mean nothing.  The \
fact is that astrological beliefs go back at least 2,500 years.  Now that \
should be a sufficiently long time for astrologers to prove their case.  They \
have not proved their case....It\'s just simply gibberish.  The fact is, there\'s \
no theory for it, there are no observational data for it.  It\'s been tested \
and tested over the centuries.  Nobody\'s ever found any validity to it at \
all.  It is not even close to a science.  A science has to be repeatable, it \
has to have a logical foundation, and it has to be potentially vulnerable -- \
you test it.  And in that astrology is reqlly quite something else. \
-- Astronomer Richard Berendzen, President, American University, on ABC \
    News "Nightline," May 3, 1988 \
',' \
Even if we put all these nagging thoughts [four embarrassing questions about \
astrology] aside for a moment, one overriding question remains to be asked. \
Why would the positions of celestial objects at the moment of birth have an \
effect on our characters, lives, or destinies?  What force or influence, \
what sort of energy would travel from the planets and stars to all human \
beings and affect our development or fate?  No amount of scientific-sounding \
jargon or computerized calculations by astrologers can disguise this central \
problem with astrology -- we can find no evidence of a mechanism by which \
celestial objects can influence us in so specific and personal a way. . . . \
Some astrologers argue that there may be a still unknown force that represents \
the astrological influence. . . .If so, astrological predictions -- like those \
of any scientific field -- should be easily tested. . . . Astrologers always \
claim to be just a little too busy to carry out such careful tests of their \
efficacy, so in the last two decades scientists and statisticians have \
generously done such testing for them.  There have been dozens of well-designed \
tests all around the world, and astrology has failed every one of them. . . . \
I propose that we let those beckoning lights in the sky awaken our interest \
in the real (and fascinating) universe beyond our planet, and not let them \
keep us tied to an ancient fantasy left over from a time when we huddled by \
the firelight, afraid of the night. \
-- Andrew Fraknoi, Executive Officer, Astronomical Society of the Pacific, \
    "Why Astrology Believers Should Feel Embarrassed," San Jose Mercury \
    News, May 8, 1988 \
',' \
With the news that Nancy Reagan has referred to an astrologer when planning \
her husband\'s schedule, and reports of Californians evacuating Los Angeles \
on the strength of a prediction from a sixteenth-century physician and \
astrologer Michel de Notredame, the image of the U.S. as a scientific and \
technological nation has taking a bit of a battering lately.  Sadly, such \
happenings cannot be dismissed as passing fancies.  They are manifestations \
of a well-established "anti-science" tendency in the U.S. which, ultimately, \
could threaten the country\'s position as a technological power. . . .  The \
manifest widespread desire to reject rationality and substitute a series \
of quasirandom beliefs in order to understand the universe does not augur \
well for a nation deeply concerned about its ability to compete with its \
industrial equals.  To the degree that it reflects the thinking of a  \
significant section of the public, this point of view encourages ignorance \
of and, indeed, contempt for science and for rational methods of approaching \
truth. . . . It is becoming clear that if the U.S. does not pick itself up \
soon and devote some effort to educating the young effectively, its hope of \
maintaining a semblance of leadership in the world may rest, paradoxically, \
with a new wave of technically interested and trained immigrants who do not \
suffer from the anti-science disease rampant in an apparently decaying society. \
-- Physicist Tony Feinberg, in "New Scientist," May 19, 1988 \
',' \
miracle:  an extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment. \
-- Webster\'s Dictionary \
',' \
"The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone \
 is responsible. Universes of virtually unlimited complexity can be \
 created in the form of computer programs." \
-- Joseph Weizenbaum, _Computer Power and Human Reason_ \
',' \
"If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong." \
-- Norm Schryer \
',' \
"May your future be limited only by your dreams." \
-- Christa McAuliffe \
',' \
"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be \
coming up it." \
-- Henry Allen \
',' \
"Life begins when you can spend your spare time programming instead of \
watching television." \
-- Cal Keegan \
',' \
Eat shit -- billions of flies can\'t be wrong. \
',' \
"We never make assertions, Miss Taggart," said Hugh Akston.  "That is \
the moral crime peculiar to our enemies.  We do not tell -- we *show*. \
We do not claim -- we *prove*."   \
-- Ayn Rand, _Atlas Shrugged_ \
',' \
"I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and \
 my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes." \
-- George Carlin \
',' \
"My father?  My father left when I was quite young.  Well actually, he \
 was asked to leave.  He had trouble metabolizing alcohol." \
 -- George Carlin \
',' \
"I turn on my television set.  I see a young lady who goes under the guise \
of being a Christian, known all over the nation, dressed in skin-tight \
leather pants, shaking and wiggling her hips to the beat and rythm of the \
music as the strobe lights beat their patterns across the stage and the \
band plays the contemporary rock sound which cannot be differentiated from \
songs by the Grateful Dead, the Beatles, or anyone else.  And you may try \
to tell me this is of God and that it is leading people to Christ, but I \
know better. \
-- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocritical sexual pervert and TV preacher, self-described \
 pornography addict, "Two points of view: \'Christian\' rock and roll.",  \
 The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50. \
',' \
"So-called Christian rock. . . . is a diabolical force undermining Christianity \
 from within." \
-- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocrite and TV preacher, self-described pornography addict, \
 "Two points of view: \'Christian\' rock and roll.", The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50. \
',' \
"Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of \
course, living in a state of sin." \
-- John Von Neumann \
',' \
"You must have an IQ of at least half a million."  -- Popeye \
',' \
"Freedom is still the most radical idea of all." \
-- Nathaniel Branden \
',' \
Aren\'t you glad you\'re not getting all the government you pay for now? \
',' \
"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education." \
-- Mark Twain \
',' \
These screamingly hilarious gogs ensure owners of     X Ray Gogs to be the life \
of any party. \
-- X-Ray Gogs Instructions \
',' \
A student asked the master for help... does this program run from the \
Workbench? The master grabbed the mouse and pointed to an icon. "What is \
this?" he asked. The student replied "That\'s the mouse". The master pressed \
control-Amiga-Amiga and hit the student on the head with the Amiga ROM Kernel \
Manual. \
-- Amiga Zen Master Peter da Silva \
',' \
"Thank heaven for startups; without them we\'d never have any advances." \
-- Seymour Cray \
',' \
"Out of register space (ugh)" \
-- vi \
',' \
"Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor \
of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, \
it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community." \
                                        - Oscar Wilde \
',' \
"Ada is PL/I trying to be Smalltalk. \
-- Codoso diBlini \
',' \
"The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by mean of zeal, \
well-meaning but without understanding." \
-- Justice Louis O. Brandeis (Olmstead vs. United States) \
',' \
"\'Tis true, \'tis pity, and pity \'tis \'tis true." \
-- Poloniouius, in Willie the Shake\'s _Hamlet, Prince of Darkness_ \
 \
',' \
"All the people are so happy now, their heads are caving in.  I\'m glad they \
are a snowman with protective rubber skin"  \
-- They Might Be Giants \
',' \
"Indecision is the basis of flexibility" \
-- button at a Science Fiction convention. \
',' \
"Sometimes insanity is the only alternative" \
-- button at a Science Fiction convention. \
',' \
"Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time." \
-- a coffee cup \
',' \
"The most important thing in a man is not what he knows, but what he is." \
-- Narciso Yepes \
',' \
"All we are given is possibilities -- to make ourselves one thing or another." \
-- Ortega y Gasset \
',' \
"We will be better and braver if we engage and inquire than if we indulge in \
the idle fancy that we already know -- or that it is of no use seeking to \
know what we do not know." \
-- Plato \
',' \
"To undertake a project, as the word\'s derivation indicates, means to cast an \
idea out ahead of oneself so that it gains autonomy and is fulfilled not only \
by the efforts of its originator but, indeed, independently of him as well. \
-- Czeslaw Milosz \
',' \
"We cannot put off living until we are ready.  The most salient characteristic \
of life is its coerciveness; it is always urgent, "here and now," without any \
possible postponement.  Life is fired at us point blank." \
-- Ortega y Gasset \
',' \
"From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere." \
-- Dr. Seuss \
',' \
"When it comes to humility, I\'m the greatest." \
-- Bullwinkle Moose \
 \
',' \
Remember, an int is not always 16 bits.  I\'m not sure, but if the 80386 is one \
step closer to Intel\'s slugfest with the CPU curve that is aymptotically \
approaching a real machine, perhaps an int has been implemented as 32 bits by \
some Unix vendors...? \
-- Derek Terveer \
',' \
"Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care \
what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything \
you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. \
Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to \
insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the \
destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, \
be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to \
insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as  \
your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be \
yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your \
receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this \
thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen." \
 \
Madrak, in _Creatures of Light and Darkness_, by Roger Zelazny \
',' \
"An Academic speculated whether a bather is beautiful \
if there is none in the forest to admire her. He hid \
in the bushes to find out, which vitiated his premise \
but made him happy. \
Moral: Empiricism is more fun than speculation." \
-- Sam Weber \
',' \
1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2. \
',' \
"I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive were \
 Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers." \
-- Wil Wheaton explains why everyone in "Star Trek: The Next Generation"  \
    is so nice \
',' \
"Engineering meets art in the parking lot and things explode." \
-- Garry Peterson, about Survival Research Labs \
',' \
"Why can\'t we ever attempt to solve a problem in this country without having \
a \'War\' on it?" -- Rich Thomson, talk.politics.misc \
',' \
      ...and before I knew what I was doing, I had kicked the \
      typewriter and threw it around the room and made it beg for \
      mercy.  At this point the typewriter pleaded for me to dress \
      him in feminine attire but instead I pressed his margin release \
      over and over again until the typewriter lost consciousness. \
      Presently, I regained consciousness and realized with shame what \
      I had done.  My shame is gone and now I am looking for a \
      submissive typewriter, any color, or model.  No electric \
      typewriters please! \
                        --Rick Kleiner \
',' \
Professional wrestling:  ballet for the common man. \
',' \
"An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a \
cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup." - H.L. Mencken \
',' \
   "Are those cocktail-waitress fingernail marks?"  I asked Colletti as he \
showed us these scratches on his chest.  "No, those are on my back," Colletti \
answered.  "This is where a case of cocktail shrimp fell on me.  I told her \
to slow down a little, but you know cocktail waitresses, they seem to have \
a mind of their own." \
-- The Incredibly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs \
   National Lampoon, October 1982 \
',' \
"Never give in.  Never give in.  Never. Never. Never." \
-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
"Never ascribe to malice that which is caused by greed and ignorance." \
-- Cal Keegan \
',' \
"Despite its suffix, skepticism is not an "ism" in the sense of a belief \
or dogma.  It is simply an approach to the problem of telling what is \
counterfeit and what is genuine.  And a recognition of how costly it may \
be to fail to do so.  To be a skeptic is to cultivate "street smarts" in \
the battle for control of one\'s own mind, one\'s own money, one\'w own \
allegiances.  To be a skeptic, in short, is to refuse to be a victim. \
-- Robert S. DeBear, "An Agenda for Reason, Realism, and Responsibility," \
 New York Skeptic (newsletter of the New York Area Skeptics, Inc.), Spring 1988 \
',' \
"If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead \
stuff." \
-- Dave Enyeart \
',' \
"After one week [visiting Austria] I couldn\'t wait to go back to the United  \
States.  Everything was much more pleasant in the United States, because of \
the mentality of being open-minded, always positive.  Everything you want to \
do in Europe is just, \'No way.  No one has ever done it.\'  They haven\'t any \
more the desire to go out to conquer and achieve -- I realized that I had much \
more the American spirit." \
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger \
',' \
"I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest." \
-- Alexandre Dumas (fils) \
',' \
	Well, punk is kind of anti-ethical, anyway.  Its ethics, so to speak, \
include a disdain for ethics in general.  If you have to think about some- \
thing so hard, then it\'s bullshit anyway; that\'s the idea.  Punks are anti- \
ismists, to coin a term.  But nonetheless, they have a pretty clearly defined \
stance and image, and THAT is what we hang the term `punk\' on. \
-- Jeff G. Bone \
',' \
	I think for the most part that the readership here uses the c-word in \
a similar fashion.  I don\'t think anybody really believes in a new, revolution- \
ary literature --- I think they use `cyberpunk\' as a term of convenience to \
discuss the common stylistic elements in a small subset of recent sf books. \
-- Jeff G. Bone \
',' \
	So we get to my point.  Surely people around here read things that \
aren\'t on the *Officially Sanctioned Cyberpunk Reading List*.  Surely we \
don\'t (any of us) really believe that there is some big, deep political and \
philosophical message in all this, do we?  So if this `cyberpunk\' thing is \
just a term of convenience, how can somebody sell out?  If cyberpunk is just a \
word we use to describe a particular style and imagery in sf, how can it be \
dead?  Where are the profound statements that the `Movement\' is or was trying \
to make? \
	I think most of us are interested in examining and discussing literary \
(and musical) works that possess a certain stylistic excellence and perhaps a \
rather extreme perspective; this is what CP is all about, no?  Maybe there  \
should be a newsgroup like, say, alt.postmodern or somthing.  Something less \
restrictive in scope than alt.cyberpunk. \
-- Jeff G. Bone \
',' \
"Everyone\'s head is a cheap movie show." \
-- Jeff G. Bone \
',' \
Life is full of concepts that are poorly defined.  In fact, there are very few  \
concepts that aren\'t.  It\'s hard to think of any in non-technical fields.   \
-- Daniel Kimberg \
',' \
...cyberpunk wants to see the mind as mechanistic & duplicable, \
challenging basic assumptions about the nature of individuality & self. \
That seems all the better reason to assume that cyberpunk art & music is \
essentially mindless garbagio. Willy certainly addressed this idea in \
"Count Zero," with Katatonenkunst, the automatic box-maker and the girl\'s \
observation that the real art was the building of the machine itself,  \
rather than its output. \
-- Eliot Handelman \
',' \
It might be worth reflecting that this group was originally created \
back in September of 1987 and has exchanged over 1200 messages.  The \
original announcement for the group called for an all inclusive \
discussion ranging from the writings of Gibson and Vinge and movies \
like Bladerunner to real world things like Brands\' description of the \
work being done at the MIT Media Lab.  It was meant as a haven for \
people with vision of this scope.  If you want to create a haven for \
people with narrower visions, feel free.  But I feel sad for anyone \
who thinks that alt.cyberpunk is such a monstrous group that it is in \
dire need of being subdivided.  Heaven help them if they ever start \
reading comp.arch or rec.arts.sf-lovers. \
-- Bob Webber \
',' \
...I don\'t care for the term \'mechanistic\'. The word \'cybernetic\' is a lot \
more apropos. The mechanistic world-view is falling further and further behind \
the real world where even simple systems can produce the most marvellous \
chaos.  \
-- Peter da Silva \
',' \
As for the basic assumptions about individuality and self, this is the core \
of what I like about cyberpunk. And it\'s the core of what I like about certain \
pre-gibson neophile techie SF writers that certain folks here like to put \
down. Not everyone makes the same assumptions. I haven\'t lost my mind... it\'s \
backed up on tape. \
-- Peter da Silva \
',' \
Who are the artists in the Computer Graphics Show?  Wavefront\'s latest box, or  \
the people who programmed it?  Should Mandelbrot get all the credit for the  \
output of programs like MandelVroom? \
-- Peter da Silva \
',' \
Trailing Edge Technologies is pleased to announce the following \
TETflame programme: \
 \
1) For a negotiated price (no quatloos accepted) one of our flaming \
   representatives will flame the living shit out of the poster of \
   your choice. The price is inversly proportional to how much of \
   an asshole the target it. We cannot be convinced to flame Dennis \
   Ritchie. Matt Crawford flames are free. \
 \
2) For a negotiated price (same arrangement) the TETflame programme \
   is offering ``flame insurence\'\'. Under this arrangement, if \
   one of our policy holders is flamed, we will cancel the offending \
   article and flame the flamer, to a crisp. \
 \
3) The TETflame flaming representatives include: Richard Sexton, Oleg \
   Kisalev, Diane Holt, Trish O\'Tauma, Dave Hill, Greg Nowak and our most \
   recent aquisition, Keith Doyle. But all he will do is put you in his \
   kill file. Weemba by special arrangement. \
 \
-- Richard Sexton \
',' \
"As I was walking among the fires of Hell, delighted with the enjoyments of \
 Genius; which to Angels look like torment and insanity.  I collected some of \
 their Proverbs..." - Blake, "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell" \
 \
',' \
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 1 \
 \
proof by example: \
	The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it  \
	contains most of the ideas of the general proof. \
 \
proof by intimidation: \
	\'Trivial\'. \
 \
proof by vigorous handwaving: \
	Works well in a classroom or seminar setting. \
',' \
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 2 \
 \
proof by cumbersome notation: \
	Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special \
	symbols. \
 \
proof by exhaustion: \
	An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful. \
 \
proof by omission: \
	\'The reader may easily supply the details\' \
	\'The other 253 cases are analogous\' \
	\'...\'  \
 \
',' \
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 3 \
 \
proof by obfuscation: \
	A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless  \
	syntactically related statements. \
 \
proof by wishful citation: \
	The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of  \
	a theorem from the literature to support his claims. \
 \
proof by funding: \
	How could three different government agencies be wrong? \
 \
proof by eminent authority: \
	\'I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP- \
	complete.\'  \
 \
',' \
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 4 \
 \
proof by personal communication: \
	\'Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete  \
	[Karp, personal communication].\'  \
 \
proof by reduction to the wrong problem: \
	\'To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is  \
	decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem.\'  \
 \
proof by reference to inaccessible literature: \
	The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found  \
	in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian  \
	Philological Society, 1883. \
 \
proof by importance: \
	A large body of useful consequences all follow from the  \
	proposition in question. \
',' \
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 5 \
 \
proof by accumulated evidence: \
	Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample. \
 \
proof by cosmology: \
	The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or  \
	meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God. \
 \
proof by mutual reference: \
	In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in  \
	reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in  \
	reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in  \
	reference A. \
 \
proof by metaproof: \
	A method is given to construct the desired proof. The  \
	correctness of the method is proved by any of these  \
	techniques. \
',' \
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 6 \
 \
proof by picture: \
	A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well  \
	with proof by omission. \
 \
proof by vehement assertion: \
	It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the  \
	audience. \
 \
proof by ghost reference: \
	Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in  \
	the reference given. \
 \
',' \
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 7 \
proof by forward reference: \
	Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author,  \
	which is often not as forthcoming as at first. \
 \
proof by semantic shift: \
	Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed  \
	for the statement of the result. \
 \
proof by appeal to intuition: \
	Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here. \
',' \
        [May one] doubt whether, in cheese and timber, worms are generated, \
        or, if beetles and wasps, in cow-dung, or if butterflies, locusts, \
        shellfish, snails, eels, and such life be procreated of putrefied \
        matter, which is to receive the form of that creature to which it \
        is by formative power disposed[?]  To question this is to question \
        reason, sense, and experience.  If he doubts this, let him go to \
        Egypt, and there he will find the fields swarming with mice begot \
        of the mud of the Nylus, to the great calamity of the inhabitants. \
                A seventeenth century opinion quoted by L. L. Woodruff, \
                in *The Evolution of Earth and Man*, 1929 \
',' \
Seen on a button at an SF Convention: \
Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force.  1990-1951. \
--  \
-- uunet!sugar!karl  | "We\'ve been following your progress with considerable  \
-- karl@sugar.uu.net |  interest, not to say contempt."  -- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV \
-- Usenet BBS (713) 438-5018 \
 \
 \
From karl@sugar.hackercorp.com Sat Apr 29 10:46:20 1989 \
From: karl@sugar.hackercorp.com (Karl Lehenbauer) \
Subject: Fortune cookie file, part 07 of 06 \
 \
Below is the latest addition to my fortune cookie file, 40212 bytes of mirth \
and merriment.   \
 \
This file contains a lot of quotes from peoples\' postings on Usenet.  After I  \
had been doing this a while, I began including their net addresses as well. \
 \
Enjoy, or hit \'n\'... \
 \
-------------------- cut it here, dude ------------------------------ \
',' \
"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, \
then we are a sorry lot indeed." \
-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is \
the exact opposite." \
-- Bertrand Russell, _Sceptical_Essays_, 1928 \
',' \
"Were there no women, men might live like gods." \
-- Thomas Dekker \
',' \
"Intelligence without character is a dangerous thing." \
-- G. Steinem \
',' \
"It says he made us all to be just like him.  So if we\'re dumb, then god is \
dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." \
-- Frank Zappa \
',' \
"It\'s not just a computer -- it\'s your ass." \
-- Cal Keegan \
',' \
"Let me guess, Ed.  Pentescostal, right?" \
-- Starcap\'n Ra, ra@asuvax.asu.edu \
 \
"Nope.  Charismatic (I think - I\'ve given up on what all those pesky labels \
 mean)." \
-- Ed Carp, erc@unisec.usi.com \
 \
"Same difference - all zeal and feel, averaging less than one working brain  \
cell per congregation. Starcap\'n Ra, you pegged him.  Good work!" \
-- Kenn Barry, barry@eos.UUCP \
',' \
"BTW, does Jesus know you flame?" \
-- Diane Holt, dianeh@binky.UUCP, to Ed Carp \
',' \
"I\'ve seen the forgeries I\'ve sent out." \
-- John F. Haugh II (jfh@rpp386.Dallas.TX.US), about forging net news articles \
',' \
"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some \
 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" \
-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US \
',' \
"Bite off, dirtball." \
Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM \
',' \
"Oh my!  An `inflammatory attitude\' in alt.flame?  Never heard of such \
a thing..." \
-- Allen Gwinn, allen@sulaco.Sigma.COM \
',' \
(null cookie; hope that\'s ok) \
',' \
"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality \
at any point." \
-- Friedrich Nietzsche \
',' \
"Who alone has reason to *lie himself out* of actuality?  He who *suffers* \
 from it." \
-- Friedrich Nietzsche \
',' \
"You who hate the Jews so, why did you adopt their religion?" \
-- Friedrich Nietzsche, addressing anti-semitic Christians \
',' \
"Little prigs and three-quarter madmen may have the conceit that the laws of  \
nature are constantly broken for their sakes." \
-- Friedrich Nietzsche \
',' \
"Science makes godlike -- it is all over with priests and gods when man becomes \
 scientific.  Moral:  science is the forbidden as such -- it alone is  \
 forbidden.  Science is the *first* sin, the *original* sin.  *This alone is \
 morality.* ``Thou shalt not know\'\' -- the rest follows." \
-- Friedrich Nietzsche \
',' \
"Faith:  not *wanting* to know what is true." \
-- Friedrich Nietzsche \
',' \
>One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative. \
 \
Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. \
The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. \
-- Chuq Von Rospach, chuq@Apple.COM  \
',' \
"Every group has a couple of experts.  And every group has at least one idiot. \
 Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained.  It\'s sometimes hard \
 to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all of the hassle and \
 pain is generally caused by one or two highly-motivated, caustic twits." \
-- Chuq Von Rospach, chuq@apple.com, about Usenet \
',' \
Backed up the system lately? \
',' \
"It doesn\'t much signify whom one marries for one is sure to find out next  \
morning it was someone else." \
-- Rogers \
',' \
"If you are afraid of loneliness, don\'t marry." \
-- Chekhov \
',' \
"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with  \
the ideal never goes unpunished." \
-- Goethe \
',' \
"In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved." \
-- Butler \
',' \
"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, `What does  \
woman want?\'" \
-- Sigmund Freud \
',' \
"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch \
dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." \
-- Mandelbrot, _The Fractal Geometry of Nature_ \
',' \
"I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world, \
 and do not find in our particular superstition (Christianity) one redeeming \
 feature.  They are all alike founded on fables and mythology." \
-- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
Remember:  Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. \
-- Dave Butler \
',' \
"The preeminence of a learned man over a worshiper is equal to the preeminence \
of the moon, at the night of the full moon, over all the stars.  Verily, the \
learned men are the heirs of the Prophets." \
-- A tradition attributed to Muhammad \
',' \
"The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; \
the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a \
military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and \
private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; \
and the soldiers\' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes \
who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity." \
-- Edward Gibbons, _The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire_ \
',' \
"The question is rather: if we ever succeed in making a mind \'of nuts and \
bolts\', how will we know we have succeeded? \
-- Fergal Toomey \
 \
"It will tell us." \
-- Barry Kort \
',' \
"Inquiry is fatal to certainty." \
-- Will Durant \
',' \
"The Mets were great in \'sixty eight, \
 The Cards were fine in \'sixty nine, \
 But the Cubs will be heavenly in nineteen and seventy." \
-- Ernie Banks \
',' \
"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], \'Pray, Mr.  \
Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers \
come out?\'  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas  \
that could provoke such a question." \
-- Charles Babbage \
',' \
"I call Christianity the *one* great curse, the *one* great intrinsic  \
depravity, the *one* great instinct for revenge for which no expedient \
is sufficiently poisonous, secret, subterranean, *petty* -- I call it \
the *one* mortal blemish of mankind." \
-- Friedrich Nietzsche \
',' \
"The fundamental purpose animating the Faith of God and His Religion is to \
safeguard the interests and promote the unity of the human race, and to foster \
the spirit of love and fellowship amongst men. Suffer it not to become a source \
of dissension and discord, of hate and enmity." \
 \
"Religion is verily the chief instrument for the establishment of order in the \
 world and of tranquillity amongst it\'s peoples...The greater the decline of \
 religion, the more grievous the waywardness of the ungodly. This cannot but \
 lead in the end to chaos and confusion." \
-- Baha\'u\'llah, a selection from the Baha\'i scripture \
',' \
"Cogito ergo I\'m right and you\'re wrong." \
-- Blair Houghton \
',' \
"...one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, \
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of \
their C programs." \
-- Robert Firth \
',' \
Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.  What \
should I do? \
 \
A: Post the correct answer at once!  We can\'t have people go on believing \
that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You\'ll probably be the only one to \
make the correction, so post as soon as you can.  No time to lose, so \
certainly don\'t wait a day, or check to see if somebody else has made the \
correction. \
 \
And it\'s not good enough to send the message by mail.  Since you\'re the \
only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform \
the whole net right away! \
 \
-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_ \
',' \
Q: How can I choose what groups to post in?  ... \
Q: How about an example? \
 \
A: Ok.  Let\'s say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from the \
Oilers to the Kings.  Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey \
would be enough.  WRONG.  Many more people might be interested.  This is a \
big trade!  Since it\'s a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy \
as well.  If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try \
news.admin.  If not, use news.misc. \
 \
The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.  He is \
a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also \
interested in stars.  Next, his name is Polish sounding.  So post to \
soc.culture.polish.  But that group doesn\'t exist, so cross-post to \
news.groups suggesting it should be created.  With this many groups of \
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as \
well.  (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles \
there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) \
 \
You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each group. \
If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders will \
only show the the article to the reader once!  Don\'t tolerate this. \
-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_ \
',' \
Q: I cant spell worth a dam.  I hope your going too tell me what to do? \
 \
A: Don\'t worry about how your articles look.  Remember it\'s the message \
that counts, not the way it\'s presented.  Ignore the fact that sloppy \
spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent messages that \
soiled clothing would when addressing an audience. \
 \
-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_ \
',' \
Q: They just announced on the radio that Dan Quayle was picked as the \
Republican V.P. candidate.  Should I post? \
 \
A: Of course.  The net can reach people in as few as 3 to 5 days.  It\'s \
the perfect way to inform people about such news events long after the \
broadcast networks have covered them.  As you are probably the only person \
to have heard the news on the radio, be sure to post as soon as you can. \
 \
-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_ \
',' \
What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? \
 \
A Dan Quayle watch. \
 \
-- heard from a Mike Dukakis field worker \
',' \
Q:  What\'s the difference between a car salesman and a computer \
    salesman? \
 \
A:  The car salesman can probably drive! \
 \
-- Joan McGalliard (jem@latcs1.oz.au) \
',' \
"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." \
-- Dave Mack (mack@inco.UUCP) \
 \
"Yours is." \
-- Allen Gwinn (allen@sulaco.sigma.com), in alt.flame \
',' \
A selection from the Taoist Writings: \
 \
"Lao-Tan asked Confucius: `What do you mean by benevolence and righteousness?\' \
 Confucius said:  `To be in one\'s inmost heart in kindly sympathy with all  \
 things; to love all men and allow no selfish thoughts: this is the nature \
 of benevolence and righteousness.\'" \
-- Kwang-tzu \
',' \
"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!" \
-- Daniel Hinojosa (hinojosa@hp-sdd) \
',' \
"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator." \
-- Claude Shouse (shouse@macomw.ARPA) \
 \
"Einstein\'s mother must have been one heck of a physicist." \
-- Joseph C. Wang (joe@athena.mit.edu) \
',' \
"Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will \
fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines." \
-- Bertrand Russell \
',' \
"Lying lips are abomination to the Lord; but they that deal truly are his  \
 delight. \
 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. \
 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto \
 him. \
 Be not a witness against thy neighbor without cause; and deceive not with  \
 thy lips. \
 Death and life are in the power of the tongue." \
-- Proverbs, some selections from the Jewish Scripture \
',' \
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and \
I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. \
This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."  \
-- Matt Cartmill \
',' \
Heisengberg might have been here. \
',' \
"Any excuse will serve a tyrant." \
-- Aesop \
',' \
"Experience has proved that some people indeed know everything." \
-- Russell Baker \
',' \
How many Zen Buddhist does it take to change a light bulb? \
 \
Two.  One to change it and one not to change it. \
',' \
"I prefer the blunted cudgels of the followers of the Serpent God." \
-- Sean Doran the Younger \
',' \
"If I do not want others to quote me, I do not speak."   \
-- Phil Wayne \
',' \
"my terminal is a lethal teaspoon." \
-- Patricia O Tuama \
',' \
"I am ... a woman ... and ... technically a parasitic uterine growth" \
-- Sean Doran the Younger [allegedly] \
',' \
"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers\' every time \
someone writes `bible thumpers?\' \
-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu \
',' \
"Money is the root of all money." \
-- the moving finger \
',' \
"...Greg Nowak:  `Another flame from greg\' - need I say more?" \
-- Jonathan D. Trudel, trudel@caip.rutgers.edu \
 \
"No.  You need to say less." \
-- Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM \
',' \
"And it\'s my opinion, and that\'s only my opinion, you are a lunatic.  Just \
because there are a few hunderd other people sharing your lunacy with you \
does not make you any saner.  Doomed, eh?" \
-- Oleg Kiselev,oleg@CS.UCLA.EDU \
',' \
"Obedience.  A religion of slaves.  A religion of intellectual death.  I like \
it.  Don\'t ask questions, don\'t think, obey the Word of the Lord -- as it \
has been conveniently brought to you by a man in a Rolls with a heavy Rolex \
on his wrist.  I like that job!  Where can I sign up?" \
-- Oleg Kiselev,oleg@CS.UCLA.EDU \
',' \
"Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a  \
cockatoo." \
-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and  \
those inside desperate to get out." \
-- Montaigne \
',' \
"For a male and female to live continuously together is...  biologically  \
speaking, an extremely unnatural condition." \
-- Robert Briffault \
',' \
"Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it." \
-- Baskins \
',' \
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished. \
',' \
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. \
',' \
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second marriage is  \
the triumph of hope over experience. \
',' \
"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain." \
-- G. Fitch \
',' \
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." \
-- Mark Twain \
',' \
"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder have  \
 included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.  This  \
 technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom\'s reign.  My  \
 carpet smells like piss, and I don\'t have a cat.  Better go by some more." \
-- timw@zeb.USWest.COM, in alt.conspiracy \
',' \
"If there isn\'t a population problem, why is the government putting cancer in  \
the cigarettes?" \
-- the elder Steptoe, c. 1970 \
',' \
"If you don\'t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little \
 Lavoris in the toilet." \
-- Comedian Jay Leno \
',' \
"Here\'s something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like \
 `Psychic Wins Lottery.\'" \
-- Comedian Jay Leno \
',' \
"Well hello there Charlie Brown, you blockhead." \
-- Lucy Van Pelt \
',' \
"Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime doubly so." \
-- Ford Prefect, _Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy_ \
',' \
"Ignorance is the soil in which belief in miracles grows." \
-- Robert G. Ingersoll \
',' \
"Let every man teach his son, teach his daughter, that labor is honorable." \
-- Robert G. Ingersoll \
',' \
"I have not the slightest confidence in \'spiritual manifestations.\'" \
-- Robert G. Ingersoll \
',' \
"It is hard to overstate the debt that we owe to men and women of genius." \
-- Robert G. Ingersoll \
',' \
"Joy is wealth and love is the legal tender of the soul." \
-- Robert G. Ingersoll \
',' \
"The hands that help are better far than the lips that pray." \
-- Robert G. Ingersoll \
',' \
"It is the creationists who blasphemously are claiming that God is cheating \
 us in a stupid way." \
-- J. W. Nienhuys \
',' \
"No, no, I don\'t mind being called the smartest man in the world.  I just wish  \
 it wasn\'t this one." \
-- Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias, WATCHMEN  \
',' \
"Be *excellent* to each other." \
-- Bill, or Ted, in Bill and Ted\'s Excellent Adventure \
',' \
The Seventh Edition licensing procedures are, I suppose, still in effect,  \
though I doubt that tapes are available from AT&T.  At any rate, whatever  \
restrictions the license imposes still exist.  These restrictions were and  \
are reasonable for places that just want to run the system, but don\'t allow  \
many of the things that Minix was written for, like study of the source in  \
classes, or by individuals not in a university or company. \
 \
I\'ve always thought that Minix was a fine idea, and competently done. \
 \
As for the size of v7, wc -l /usr/sys/*/*.[chs] is 19271. \
 \
-- Dennis Ritchie, 1989 \
',' \
"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." -- Alex Schure \
',' \
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips \
 over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come." \
--Matt Groening \
',' \
"I\'m not afraid of dying, I just don\'t want to be there when it happens." \
-- Woody Allen \
',' \
"The Street finds its own uses for technology." \
-- William Gibson \
',' \
"I see little divinity about them or you.  You talk to me of Christianity \
when you are in the act of hanging your enemies.  Was there ever such \
blasphemous nonsense!" \
-- Shaw, "The Devil\'s Disciple" \
',' \
"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but \
only for a limited period of time.  Why should we think that collectively, \
as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?" \
-- Ronald Reagan \
',' \
"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental effort, \
he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion." \
-- Mick Farren, _When Gravity Fails_ \
',' \
"Conversion, fastidious Goddess, loves blood better than brick, and feasts \
most subtly on the human will." \
-- Virginia Woolf, "Mrs. Dalloway" \
',' \
It\'s time to boot, do your boot ROMs know where your disk controllers are? \
',' \
"What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying." \
-- Nikita Khrushchev \
',' \
"...a most excellent barbarian ... Genghis Kahn!" \
-- _Bill And Ted\'s Excellent Adventure_ \
',' \
"Pull the trigger and you\'re garbage." \
-- Lady Blue \
',' \
"Oh what wouldn\'t I give to be spat at in the face..." \
-- a prisoner in "Life of Brian" \
',' \
"Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy \
of him that brought her birth." \
-- Milton \
',' \
"If you can\'t debate me, then there is no way in hell you\'ll out-insult me." \
-- Scott Legrand (Scott.Legrand@hogbbs.Fidonet.Org) \
 \
"You may be wrong here, little one." \
-- R. W. F. Clark (RWC102@PSUVM) \
',' \
	"Yes, I am a real piece of work.  One thing we learn at Ulowell is \
 how to flame useless hacking non-EE\'s like you.  I am superior to you in  \
 every way by training and expertise in the technical field.  Anyone can learn \
 how to hack, but Engineering doesn\'t come nearly as easily.  Actually, I\'m  \
 not trying to offend all you CS majors out there, but I think EE is one of the \
 hardest majors/grad majors to pass.  Fortunately, I am making it." \
-- "Warrior Diagnostics" (wardiag@sky.COM) \
 \
"Being both an EE and an asshole at the same time must be a terrible burden \
 for you.  This isn\'t really a flame, just a casual observation.  Makes me \
 glad I was a CS major, life is really pleasant for me.  Have fun with your  \
 chosen mode of existence!" \
-- Jim Morrison (morrisj@mist.cs.orst.edu) \
',' \
"BYTE editors are men who seperate the wheat from the chaff, and then \
 print the chaff." \
-- Lionel Hummel (uiucdcs!hummel), derived from a quote by Adlai Stevenson, Sr. \
',' \
		     THE "FUN WITH USENET" MANIFESTO \
Very little happens on Usenet without some sort of response from some other  \
reader.  Fun With Usenet postings are no exception.  Since there are some who  \
might question the rationale of some of the excerpts included therein, I have  \
written up a list of guidelines that sum up the philosophy behind these  \
postings. \
 \
	One.  I never cut out words in the middle of a quote without a VERY  \
good reason, and I never cut them out without including ellipses.  For  \
instance, "I am not a goob" might become "I am ... a goob", but that\'s too  \
mundane to bother with.  "I\'m flame proof" might (and has) become  \
"I\'m ...a... p...oof" but that\'s REALLY stretching it. \
 \
	Two.  If I cut words off the beginning or end of a quote, I don\'t \
put ellipses, but neither do I capitalize something that wasn\'t capitalized \
before the cut. "I don\'t think that the Church of Ubizmo is a wonderful \
place" would turn into "the Church of Ubizmo is a wonderful place".  Imagine \
the posting as a tape-recording of the poster\'s thoughts.  If I can set \
up the quote via fast-forwarding and stopping the tape, and without splicing, \
I don\'t put ellipses in.  And by the way, I love using this mechanism for \
turning things around.  If you think something stinks, say so - don\'t say you \
don\'t think it\'s wonderful.   ... \
-- D. J. McCarthy (dmccart@cadape.UUCP) \
',' \
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary \
saftey deserve neither liberty not saftey." \
-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 \
',' \
"I am, therefore I am." \
-- Akira \
',' \
"Stan and I thought that this experiment was so stupid, we decided to finance  \
 it ourselves." \
-- Martin Fleischmann, co-discoverer of room-temperature fusion (?) \
',' \
"I have more information in one place than anybody in the world."   \
-- Jerry Pournelle, an absurd notion, apparently about the BIX BBS \
',' \
"It\'s what you learn after you know it all that counts." \
-- John Wooden \
',' \
#define BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) \
#define  BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)			\\ \
			     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)			\\ \
			     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) \
 \
-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word \
',' \
"If you can write a nation\'s stories, you needn\'t worry about who makes its  \
 laws.  Today, television tells most of the stories to most of the people  \
 most of the time." \
-- George Gerbner \
',' \
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists \
 in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress depends on  \
 the unreasonable man." \
-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
"We want to create puppets that pull their own strings." \
-- Ann Marion \
 \
"Would this make them Marionettes?" \
-- Jeff Daiell \
',' \
On the subject of C program indentation: \
"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people\'s C programs should be indented \
 six feet downward and covered with dirt." \
-- Blair P. Houghton \
',' \
There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, in \
one way or another, almost every member of the team passed.  The term that \
the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the practice -- \
was `signing up.\'  By signing up for the project you agreed to do whatever \
was necessary for success.  You agreed to forsake, if necessary, family, \
hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left (and you might not, if \
you had signed up too many times before). \
-- Tracy Kidder, _The Soul of a New Machine_ \
',' \
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began \
to suspect "Hungry." \
-- a Larson cartoon \
',' \
"But don\'t you see, the color of wine in a crystal glass can be spiritual. \
 The look in a face, the music of a violin.  A Paris theater can be infused \
 with the spiritual for all its solidity." \
 -- Lestat, _The Vampire Lestat_, Anne Rice \
',' \
"Love your country but never trust its government." \
-- from a hand-painted road sign in central Pennsylvania \
',' \
      I bought the latest computer; \
      it came fully loaded. \
      It was guaranteed for 90 days, \
      but in 30 was outmoded! \
        - The Wall Street Journal passed along by Big Red Computer\'s SCARLETT \
',' \
To update Voltaire, "I may kill all msgs from you, but I\'ll fight for  \
your right to post it, and I\'ll let it reside on my disks".  \
-- Doug Thompson (doug@isishq.FIDONET.ORG) \
',' \
"Though a program be but three lines long, \
someday it will have to be maintained." \
-- The Tao of Programming \
',' \
"Turn on, tune up, rock out." \
-- Billy Gibbons \
',' \
         EARTH           \
     smog  |   bricks   \
 AIR  --  mud  --  FIRE \
soda water |   tequila  \
         WATER         \
',' \
"Of course power tools and alcohol don\'t mix.  Everyone knows power tools aren\'t \
soluble in alcohol..." \
-- Crazy Nigel \
',' \
"Life sucks, but death doesn\'t put out at all...." \
-- Thomas J. Kopp \
',' \
"There is no Father Christmas.  It\'s just a marketing ploy  \
to make low income parents\' lives a misery." \
"... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, \
streaked with tears because of what you just said." \
"I want you to picture the face of its mother, because one \
week\'s dole won\'t pay for one Master of the Universe \
Battlecruiser!" \
- Filthy Rich and Catflap, 1986. \
',' \
   n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); \
   n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc); \
   n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); \
   n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00); \
   n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); \
 \
-- Yet another mystical \'C\' gem. This one reverses the bits in a word. \
',' \
"All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system, there is \
constant pressure to make people feel that they are helpless, that the only role \
they can have is to ratify decisions and to consume." \
-- Noam Chomsky \
',' \
"A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple \
system that worked." \
-- John Gall, _Systemantics_ \
',' \
"In my opinion, Richard Stallman wouldn\'t recognise terrorism if it \
came up and bit him on his Internet." \
-- Ross M. Greenberg \
',' \
I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of  \
others, and all positive assertion of my own.  I even forbade myself the use  \
of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion,  \
such as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc.   I adopted instead of them "I  \
conceive", "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it  \
appears to me at present". \
 \
When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the  \
pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him immediately some  \
absurdity in his proposition.  In answering I began by observing that in  \
certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present \
case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc. \
 \
I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I  \
engaged in went on more pleasantly.  The modest way in which I proposed my  \
opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.  I had  \
less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily  \
prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I  \
happened to be in the right. \
-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin \
',' \
"If I ever get around to writing that language depompisifier, it will change \
almost all occurences of the word "paradigm" into "example" or "model." \
-- Herbie Blashtfalt \
',' \
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can\'t like it." \
-- Marvin the paranoid android \
',' \
Contemptuous lights flashed flashed across the computer\'s console. \
-- Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy \
',' \
"There must be some mistake," he said, "are you not a greater computer than \
the Milliard Gargantubrain which can count all the atoms in a star in a \
millisecond?" \
"The Milliard Gargantubrain?" said Deep Thought with unconcealed contempt. \
"A mere abacus.  Mention it not." \
-- Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy \
',' \
"But are you not," he said, "a more fiendish disputant than the Great Hyperlobic \
Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler of Ciceronicus Twelve, the Magic and  \
Indefatigable?" \
 \
"The Great Hyperlobic Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler," said Deep Thought, \
thoroughly rolling the r\'s, "could talk all four legs off an Arcturan \
Mega-Donkey -- but only I could persuade it to go for a walk afterward." \
-- Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy \
',' \
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, Jolt Cola \
would be a Fortune-500 company. \
 \
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, you\'d be \
able to buy a nice little colonial split-level at Babbages for $34.95. \
 \
If programmers wrote programs the way builders build buildings, we\'d still \
be using autocoder and running compile decks. \
 \
-- Peter da Silva and Karl Lehenbauer, a different perspective \
',' \
To err is human, to moo bovine. \
',' \
"America is a stronger nation for the ACLU\'s uncompromising effort." \
-- President John F. Kennedy \
',' \
"The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not \
be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but \
living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I\'m glad the American Civil \
Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so." \
-- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson \
',' \
"The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that \
>from time to time threaten freedoms everyhere... Indeed, it is difficult \
to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the \
Union\'s valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights \
of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised \
by the majority they were at the time." \
-- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren \
',' \
"The strength of the Constitution lies entirely in the determination of each \
citizen to defend it.  Only if every single citizen feels duty bound to do \
his share in this defense are the constitutional rights secure." \
-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
"Well I don\'t see why I have to make one man miserable when I can make so many  \
men happy." \
-- Ellyn Mustard, about marriage \
',' \
"And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm\' without knowing what  \
the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions." \
-- David Jones @ Megatest Corporation \
',' \
"Luke, I\'m yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser." \
-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" \
',' \
"Let\'s not be too tough on our own ignorance.  It\'s the thing that makes \
 America great.  If America weren\'t incomparably ignorant, how could we \
 have tolerated the last eight years?" \
-- Frank Zappa, Feb 1, 1989 \
',' \
"The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through \
three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and \
Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. \
"For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question \'How can \
we eat?\' the second by the question \'Why do we eat?\' and the third by \
the question \'Where shall we have lunch?\'" \
-- Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy \
',' \
"Don\'t think; let the machine do it for you!" \
-- E. C. Berkeley \
',' \
"It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan \
 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, \
 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather \
than be the instrument of his army\'s downfall." \
-- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought" \
',' \
"(The Chief Programmer) personally defines the functional and performance \
 specifications, designs the program, codes it, tests it, and writes its \
 documentation... He needs great talent, ten years experience and \
 considerable systems and applications knowledge, whether in applied \
 mathematics, business data handling, or whatever." \
-- Fred P. Brooks, _The Mythical Man Month_ \
',' \
"It ain\'t over until it\'s over." \
-- Casey Stengel \
',' \
"If anything can go wrong, it will." \
-- Edsel Murphy \
',' \
"Yo baby yo baby yo." \
-- Eddie Murphy \
',' \
"You must learn to run your kayak by a sort of ju-jitsu.  You must learn to \
 tell what the river will do to you, and given those parameters see how you \
 can live with it.  You must absorb its force and convert it to your users \
 as best you can.  Even with the quickness and agility of a kayak, you are \
 not faster than the river, nor stronger, and you can beat it only by \
 understanding it." \
-- Strung, Curtis and Perry, _Whitewater_ \
',' \
Everyone who comes in here wants three things: \
	1. They want it quick. \
	2. They want it good. \
	3. They want it cheap. \
I tell \'em to pick two and call me back. \
-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company in Delaware \
',' \
"More software projects have gone awry for lack of calendar time than for all \
 other causes combined." \
-- Fred Brooks, Jr., _The Mythical Man Month_ \
',' \
panic: kernel trap (ignored) \
',' \
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." \
-- Karl Lehenbauer \
',' \
"Remember, extremism in the nondefense of moderation is not a virtue." \
-- Peter Neumann, about usenet \
',' \
"We dedicated ourselves to a powerful idea -- organic law rather than naked \
 power.  There seems to be universal acceptance of that idea in the nation." \
-- Supreme Court Justice Potter Steart \
',' \
"What man has done, man can aspire to do." \
-- Jerry Pournelle, about space flight \
',' \
"Well, it don\'t make the sun shine, but at least it don\'t deepen the shit." \
-- Straiter Empy, in _Riddley_Walker_ by Russell Hoban \
',' \
"If you can, help others.  If you can\'t, at least don\'t hurt others." \
-- the Dalai Lama \
',' \
To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a \
test load. \
',' \
"Just think, with VLSI we can have 100 ENIACS on a chip!" \
-- Alan Perlis \
',' \
"...Local prohibitions cannot block advances in military and commercial \
 technology... Democratic movements for local restraint can only restrain \
 the world\'s democracies, not the world as a whole." \
-- K. Eric Drexler \
',' \
"The rotter who simpers that he sees no difference between a five-dollar bill  \
and a whip deserves to learn the difference on his own back -- as, I think, he  \
will." \
-- Francisco d\'Anconia, in Ayn Rand\'s _Atlas Shrugged_ \
',' \
"If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and \
 the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will \
 lose that, too." \
-- W. Somerset Maugham \
',' \
"Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don\'t know why I bother \
 to say it, oh God, I\'m so depressed.  Here\'s another of those self-satisfied \
 doors.  Life!  Don\'t talk to me about life." \
-- Marvin the Paranoid Android \
',' \
One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with \
Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just \
to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn\'t \
be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending \
to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn\'t understand \
hat was going on, and really being genuinely stupid.  He was reknowned for  \
being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the time, which \
obviously worried him, hence the act.  He preferred people to be puzzled \
rather than contemptuous.  This above all appeared to Trillian to be \
genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. \
-- Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy_ \
',' \
Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the \
former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. \
 \
Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and \
reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space.  In those days, spirits \
were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women \
and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures \
from Alpha Centauri.  And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty \
deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus \
was the Empire forged. \
-- Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy_ \
',' \
"Gort, klaatu nikto barada." \
-- The Day the Earth Stood Still \
',' \
> From MAILER-DAEMON@Think.COM Thu Mar  2 13:59:11 1989 \
> Subject: Returned mail: unknown mailer error 255 \
 \
"Dale, your address no longer functions.  Can you fix it at your end?" \
-- Bill Wolfe (wtwolfe@hubcap.clemson.edu) \
 \
"Bill, Your brain no longer functions.  Can you fix it at your end?" \
-- Karl A. Nyberg (nyberg@ajpo.sei.cmu.edu) \
',' \
"Don\'t drop acid, take it pass-fail!" \
-- Bryan Michael Wendt \
',' \
"I got a question for ya.  Ya got a minute?" \
-- two programmers passing in the hall \
',' \
I took a fish head to the movies and I didn\'t have to pay. \
-- Fish Heads, Saturday Night Live, 1977. \
',' \
What hath Bob wrought? \
',' \
"I don\'t know where we come from, \
 Don\'t know where we\'re going to, \
 And if all this should have a reason, \
 We would be the last to know. \
 \
 So let\'s just hope there is a promised land, \
 And until then, \
 ...as best as you can." \
-- Steppenwolf, "Rock Me Baby" \
',' \
"Help Mr. Wizard!" \
-- Tennessee Tuxedo \
',' \
"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. \
 He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. \
 But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are \
 given to administer we presently imagine we own." \
-- H.G. Wells \
',' \
"Unlike most net.puritans, however, I feel that what OTHER consenting computers \
 do in the privacy of their own phone connections is their own business." \
-- John Woods, jfw@eddie.mit.edu \
',' \
"Don\'t talk to me about disclaimers!  I invented disclaimers!" \
-- The Censored Hacker \
',' \
\'On this point we want to be perfectly clear: socialism has nothing to do \
with equalizing.  Socialism cannot ensure conditions of life and  \
consumption in accordance with the principle "From each according to his  \
ability, to each according to his needs."  This will be under communism. \
Socialism has a different criterion for distributing social benefits: \
"From each according to his ability, to each according to his work."\' \
-- Mikhail Gorbachev, _Perestroika_ \
',' \
"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception." \
-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 \
[apparently, good TV reception is a basic necessity -- at least in Tucson  -kl] \
',' \
"All the system\'s paths must be topologically and circularly interrelated for  \
 conceptually definitive, locally transformable, polyhedronal understanding to  \
 be attained in our spontaneous -- ergo, most economical -- geodesiccally  \
 structured thoughts." \
-- R. Buckminster Fuller [...and a total nonsequitur as far as I can tell.  -kl] \
',' \
"One thing they don\'t tell you about doing experimental physics is that \
 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer \
 terror." \
-- W. K. Hartmann \
',' \
"It\'s when they say 2 + 2 = 5 that I begin to argue." \
-- Eric Pepke \
',' \
Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a \
pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." \
-- David Guaspari \
',' \
"None of our men are "experts."  We have most unfortunately found it necessary  \
to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one  \
ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job.  A man who knows a  \
job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing  \
forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient  \
he is.  Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a  \
state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the \
"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible." \
-- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work," p. 86 (1922): \
',' \
"The NY Times is read by the people who run the country.  The Washington Post \
is read by the people who think they run the country.   The National Enquirer \
is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country..." \
-- Robert J Woodhead (trebor@biar.UUCP) \
',' \
        "...\'fire\' does not matter, \'earth\' and \'air\' and \'water\' do not \
matter.  \'I\' do not matter.  No word matters.  But man forgets reality \
and remembers words.  The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his \
fellows esteem him.  He looks upon the great transformations of the \
world, but he does not see them as they were seen when man looked upon \
reality for the first time.  Their names come to his lips and he smiles \
as he tastes them, thinking he knows them in the naming." \
-- Siddartha, _Lord_of_Light_ by Roger Zelazny \
',' \
"Irrigation of the land with sewater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. \
It\'s called \'rain\'." \
-- Michael McClary, in alt.fusion \
',' \
"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people \
 who don\'t understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything." \
-- Jim Joyce, former computer science lecturer at the University of California \
',' \
"We scientists, whose tragic destiny it has been to make the methods of \
annihilation ever more gruesome and more effective, must consider it our solemn \
and transcendent duty to do all in our power in preventing these weapons from \
being used for the brutal purpose for which they were invented."  \
-- Albert Einstein, Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, September 1948 \
',' \
"You can have my Unix system when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers." \
-- Cal Keegan \
17th Rule of Friendship: \
	A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount of \
	life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is \
	noncancellable. \
		-- Esquire, May 1977 \
',' \
186,282 miles per second: \
	It isn\'t just a good idea, it\'s the law! \
',' \
18th Rule of Friendship: \
        A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof \
        to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you \
        ever saw. \
                -- Esquire, May 1977 \
',' \
2180, U.S. History question: \
	What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what \
	office did he later hold? \
',' \
3rd Law of Computing: \
	Anything that can go wr \
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped \
',' \
667: \
	The neighbor of the beast. \
',' \
A hypothetical paradox: \
	What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, \
	who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial \
	Stormtroopers, who can\'t hit the broad side of a planet? \
		-- Tom Galloway \
',' \
A Law of Computer Programming: \
	Make it possible for programmers to write in English \
	and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. \
',' \
A musician, an artist, an architect: \
	the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. \
		-- William Blake \
',' \
A new koan: \
	If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. \
	If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. \
It is an ice cream koan. \
',' \
Abbott\'s Admonitions: \
	(1) If you have to ask, you\'re not entitled to know. \
	(2) If you don\'t like the answer, you shouldn\'t have asked the question. \
		-- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia \
',' \
Absent, adj.: \
	Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered. \
',' \
Absentee, n.: \
	A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove \
	himself from the sphere of exaction. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Abstainer, n.: \
	A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a \
	pleasure. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Absurdity, n.: \
	A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one\'s own opinion. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Academy: \
	A modern school where football is taught. \
Institute: \
	An archaic school where football is not taught. \
',' \
Acceptance testing: \
	An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. \
',' \
Accident, n.: \
	A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of \
	body is better. \
		-- Foolish Dictionary \
',' \
Accordion, n.: \
	A bagpipe with pleats. \
',' \
Accuracy, n.: \
	The vice of being right \
',' \
Acquaintance, n: \
	A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well \
	enough to lend to.  A degree of friendship called slight when the \
	object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
ADA: \
	Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in \
	Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop \
	an ADA awareness. \
		-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 \
',' \
Adler\'s Distinction: \
	Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, \
	and from the bureaucrats. \
',' \
Admiration, n.: \
	Our polite recognition of another\'s resemblance to ourselves. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Adore, v.: \
	To venerate expectantly. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Adult, n.: \
	One old enough to know better. \
',' \
Advertising Rule: \
	In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the \
	reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,  \
	that it is curable. \
',' \
Afternoon, n.: \
	That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. \
',' \
Age, n.: \
	That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we \
	still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise \
	to commit. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Agnes\' Law: \
	Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. \
',' \
Air Force Inertia Axiom: \
	Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. \
',' \
air, n.: \
	A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the \
	fattening of the poor. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Alaska: \
	A prelude to "No." \
',' \
Albrecht\'s Law: \
	Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being. \
',' \
Alden\'s Laws: \
	(1)  Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause \
	     of pregnancy. \
	(2)  Always be backlit. \
	(3)  Sit down whenever possible. \
',' \
algorithm, n.: \
	Trendy dance for hip programmers. \
',' \
alimony, n: \
	Having an ex you can bank on. \
',' \
All new: \
	Parts not interchangeable with previous model. \
',' \
Allen\'s Axiom: \
	When all else fails, read the instructions. \
',' \
Alliance, n.: \
	In international politics, the union of two thieves who have \
	their hands so deeply inserted in each other\'s pocket that they cannot \
	separately plunder a third. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Alone, adj.: \
	In bad company. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Ambidextrous, adj.: \
	Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Ambiguity: \
	Telling the truth when you don\'t mean to. \
',' \
Ambition, n: \
	An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while \
	living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Amoebit: \
	Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time. \
',' \
Andrea\'s Admonition: \
	Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. \
	If you think his window is closed and he can\'t hear you, \
	it isn\'t and he can. \
',' \
Androphobia: \
	Fear of men. \
',' \
Anoint, v.: \
	To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently \
	slippery. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Anthony\'s Law of Force: \
	Don\'t force it; get a larger hammer. \
',' \
Anthony\'s Law of the Workshop: \
	Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible \
	corner of the workshop. \
 \
Corollary: \
	On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike \
	your toes. \
',' \
Antonym, n.: \
	The opposite of the word you\'re trying to think of. \
',' \
Aphasia: \
	Loss of speech in social scientists when asked \
	at parties, "But of what use is your research?" \
',' \
aphorism, n.: \
	A concise, clever statement. \
afterism, n.: \
	A concise, clever statement you don\'t think of until too late. \
		-- James Alexander Thom \
',' \
Appendix: \
	A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. \
',' \
Applause, n: \
	The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
aquadextrous, adj.: \
	Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off \
	with your toes. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: \
	Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing \
	general can be said." \
',' \
Arithmetic: \
	An obscure art no longer practiced in the world\'s developed countries. \
',' \
Armadillo: \
	To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. \
',' \
Armor\'s Axiom: \
	Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. \
',' \
Armstrong\'s Collection Law: \
	If the check is truly in the mail, \
	it is surely made out to someone else. \
',' \
Arnold\'s Addendum: \
	Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. \
',' \
Arnold\'s Laws of Documentation: \
	(1) If it should exist, it doesn\'t. \
	(2) If it does exist, it\'s out of date. \
	(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the \
	    first two laws. \
',' \
Arthur\'s Laws of Love: \
	(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you \
	    remind them of someone else. \
	(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be \
	    delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of \
	    yourself in person. \
',' \
ASCII: \
	The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would \
	become computer literate.  Etymologically, the term has come down as \
	a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall \
	receive." \
		-- Robb Russon \
',' \
Atlanta: \
	An entire city surrounded by an airport. \
',' \
Auction: \
	A gyp off the old block. \
',' \
audophile, n: \
	Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music. \
',' \
Authentic: \
	Indubitably true, in somebody\'s opinion. \
',' \
Automobile, n.: \
	A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. \
',' \
Bachelor: \
	A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. \
',' \
Bachelor: \
	A man who chases women and never Mrs. one. \
',' \
Backward conditioning: \
	Putting saliva in a dog\'s mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. \
',' \
Bagbiter: \
	1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually intermittently.  2. \
adj.: Failing hardware or software.  "This bagbiting system won\'t let me get \
out of spacewar." Usage: verges on obscenity.  Grammatically separable; one \
may speak of "biting the bag".  Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, \
BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, CHOMPER, CHOMPING. \
',' \
Bagdikian\'s Observation: \
	Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper \
	is like trying to play Bach\'s "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele. \
',' \
Baker\'s First Law of Federal Geometry: \
	A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by \
	governors. \
',' \
Ballistophobia: \
	Fear of bullets; \
Otophobia: \
	Fear of opening one\'s eyes. \
Peccatophobia: \
	Fear of sinning. \
Taphephobia: \
	Fear of being buried alive. \
Sitophobia: \
	Fear of food. \
Trichophobbia: \
	Fear of hair. \
Vestiphobia: \
	Fear of clothing. \
',' \
Banacek\'s Eighteenth Polish Proverb: \
	The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon \
	by the bee. \
',' \
Banectomy, n.: \
	The removal of bruises on a banana. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
Barach\'s Rule: \
	An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. \
',' \
Barbara\'s Rules of Bitter Experience: \
	(1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes \
	    and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. \
	(2) When you finally buy pretty stationary \
	    to continue the correspondence, he stops writing. \
',' \
Barker\'s Proof: \
	Proofreading is more effective after publication. \
',' \
Barometer, n.: \
	An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we \
	are having. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Barth\'s Distinction: \
	There are two types of people: those who divide people into two \
	types, and those who don\'t. \
',' \
Baruch\'s Observation: \
	If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. \
',' \
Basic Definitions of Science: \
	If it\'s green or wiggles, it\'s biology. \
	If it stinks, it\'s chemistry. \
	If it doesn\'t work, it\'s physics. \
',' \
BASIC, n.: \
	A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in \
	that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. \
',' \
Bathquake, n.: \
	The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water \
	faucet is turned on to a certain point. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
Battle, n.: \
	A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that \
	will not yield to the tongue. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Beauty, n.: \
	The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Beauty: \
	What\'s in your eye when you have a bee in your hand. \
',' \
Begathon, n.: \
	A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so \
	you won\'t have to watch commercials. \
',' \
Beifeld\'s Principle: \
	The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive \
	young female increases by pyramidical progression when he \
	is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a \
	better-looking and richer male friend. \
		-- R. Beifeld \
',' \
belief, n: \
	Something you do not believe. \
',' \
Bennett\'s Laws of Horticulture: \
	(1) Houses are for people to live in. \
	(2) Gardens are for plants to live in. \
	(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. \
',' \
Benson\'s Dogma: \
	ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. \
',' \
Bershere\'s Formula for Failure: \
	There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who \
	listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. \
',' \
beta test, v: \
	To voluntarily entrust one\'s data, one\'s livelihood and one\'s \
	sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. \
	In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. \
',' \
Bierman\'s Laws of Contracts: \
	(1) In any given document, you can\'t cover all the "what if\'s". \
	(2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if\'s". \
	(3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if\'s". \
',' \
Bilbo\'s First Law: \
	You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. \
',' \
Binary, adj.: \
	Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. \
',' \
Bing\'s Rule: \
	Don\'t try to stem the tide -- move the beach. \
',' \
Bipolar, adj.: \
	Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York. \
',' \
birth, n: \
	The first and direst of all disasters. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
bit, n: \
	A unit of measure applied to color.  Twenty-four-bit color \
	refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 \
	cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago. \
',' \
Bizoos, n.: \
	The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
blithwapping: \
	Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the \
	wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
Bloom\'s Seventh Law of Litigation: \
	The judge\'s jokes are always funny. \
',' \
Blore\'s Razor: \
	Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier. \
',' \
Blutarsky\'s Axiom: \
	Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. \
',' \
Boling\'s postulate: \
	If you\'re feeling good, don\'t worry.  You\'ll get over it. \
',' \
Bolub\'s Fourth Law of Computerdom: \
	Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so \
	vividly manifests their lack of progress. \
',' \
Bombeck\'s Rule of Medicine: \
	Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. \
',' \
Boob\'s Law: \
	You always find something in the last place you look. \
',' \
Booker\'s Law: \
	An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. \
',' \
Bore, n.: \
	A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. \
		-- Walter Winchell \
',' \
Bore, n.: \
	A person who talks when you wish him to listen. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Boren\'s Laws: \
	(1) When in charge, ponder. \
	(2) When in trouble, delegate. \
	(3) When in doubt, mumble. \
',' \
boss, n: \
	According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the \
	words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, \
	in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an \
	ornamental stud." \
',' \
Boucher\'s Observation: \
	He who blows his own horn always plays the music \
	several octaves higher than originally written. \
',' \
Bower\'s Law: \
	Talent goes where the action is. \
',' \
Bowie\'s Theorem: \
	If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. \
',' \
boy, n: \
	A noise with dirt on it. \
',' \
Bradley\'s Bromide: \
	If computers get too powerful, we can organize \
	them into a committee -- that will do them in. \
',' \
Brady\'s First Law of Problem Solving: \
	When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more \
	easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger \
	have handled this?" \
',' \
brain, n: \
	The apparatus with which we think that we think. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
brain, v: [as in "to brain"] \
	To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source \
	of error in an opponent. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a \
theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in \
Multics, adj: \
	Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented.  There is an implication \
	that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage, \
	because he/she should have known better.  Calling something \
	brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable. \
',' \
Bride, n.: \
	A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
briefcase, n: \
	A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. \
',' \
broad-mindedness, n: \
	The result of flattening high-mindedness out. \
',' \
Brogan\'s Constant: \
	People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the \
	front of the bus. \
',' \
brokee, n: \
	Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. \
',' \
Brontosaurus Principle: \
	Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them \
	in relation to their environment and to their own physiology:  when \
	this occurs, they are an endangered species. \
		-- Thomas K. Connellan \
',' \
Brook\'s Law: \
	Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. \
',' \
Brooke\'s Law: \
	Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool \
	discovers something which either abolishes the system or \
	expands it beyond recognition. \
',' \
Bubble Memory, n.: \
	A derogatory term, usually referring to a person\'s intelligence. \
	See also "vacuum tube". \
',' \
Bucy\'s Law: \
	Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. \
',' \
Bug, n.: \
	An aspect of a computer program which exists because the \
	programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he \
	wrote the program. \
 \
Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. \
		-- Ray Simard \
',' \
bug, n: \
	A son of a glitch. \
',' \
bug, n: \
	An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. \
	The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends \
	when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. \
		-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 \
',' \
Bugs, pl. n.: \
	Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. \
',' \
Bumper sticker: \
	All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest \
	British manufacture. \
',' \
Bunker\'s Admonition: \
	You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. \
',' \
Burbulation: \
	The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in \
	an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
Bureau Termination, Law of: \
	When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, \
	the number of employees in that bureau will double within \
	12 months after the decision is made. \
',' \
bureaucracy, n: \
	A method for transforming energy into solid waste. \
',' \
Bureaucrat, n.: \
	A person who cuts red tape sideways. \
		-- J. McCabe \
',' \
bureaucrat, n: \
	A politician who has tenure. \
',' \
Burke\'s Postulates: \
	Anything is possible if you don\'t know what you are talking about. \
	Don\'t create a problem for which you do not have the answer. \
',' \
Burn\'s Hog Weighing Method: \
	(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse. \
	(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. \
	(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly \
	    balanced. \
	(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. \
		-- Robert Burns \
',' \
buzzword, n: \
	The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. \
',' \
byob, v: \
	Believing Your Own Bull \
',' \
C, n: \
	A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like \
	assembly except that it isn\'t very much like either one, or anything \
	else.  It is either the best language available to the art today, or \
	it isn\'t. \
		-- Ray Simard \
',' \
Cabbage, n.: \
	A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as \
	a man\'s head. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Cache: \
	A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one \
	is supposed to know is there. \
',' \
Cahn\'s Axiom: \
	When all else fails, read the instructions. \
',' \
Campbell\'s Law: \
	Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. \
',' \
Canada Bill Jones\'s Motto: \
	It\'s morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. \
 \
Canada Bill Jones\'s Supplement: \
	A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. \
',' \
Canonical, adj.: \
	The usual or standard state or manner of something.  A true story: \
One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use \
of jargon.  Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as \
much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. \
Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like \
fashion without thinking. \
	Steele: "Aha!  We\'ve finally got you talking jargon too!" \
	Stallman: "What did he say?" \
	Steele: "He just used `canonical\' in the canonical way." \
',' \
Captain Penny\'s Law: \
	You can fool all of the people some of the time, and \
	some of the people all of the time, but you Can\'t Fool Mom. \
',' \
Carperpetuation (kar\' pur pet u a shun), n.: \
	The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a \
	dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then \
	putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
Carson\'s Consolation: \
	Nothing is ever a complete failure. \
	It can always be used as a bad example. \
',' \
Carson\'s Observation on Footwear: \
	If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. \
',' \
Carswell\'s Corollary: \
	Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, \
	nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. \
',' \
Cat, n.: \
	Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. \
',' \
cerebral atrophy, n: \
	The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and \
impair the brain\'s performance.  An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause \
symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic \
performance.  A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to \
everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort \
and the assimilation of difficult concepts.  Many college students become \
victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. \
 \
cerebral darwinism, n: \
	The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed \
through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption.  Large amounts of \
alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation.  Through \
the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die \
first, leaving only the healthy cells.  This wonderful process leaves the \
imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. \
Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic \
performance actually increases beyond previous levels. \
',' \
Chamberlain\'s Laws: \
	(1) The big guys always win. \
	(2) Everything tastes more or less like chicken. \
',' \
character density, n.: \
	The number of very weird people in the office. \
',' \
Charity, n.: \
	A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. \
',' \
checkuary, n: \
	The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year\'s Day and ends \
	when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. \
',' \
Chef, n.: \
	Any cook who swears in French. \
',' \
Cheit\'s Lament: \
	If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- \
	the next time he\'s in need. \
',' \
Chemicals, n.: \
	Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. \
',' \
Cheops\' Law: \
	Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. \
',' \
Chicago Transit Authority Rider\'s Rule #36: \
	Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn headgear \
	where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". \
		-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 \
',' \
Chicago Transit Authority Rider\'s Rule #84: \
	The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request \
	for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will \
	cheerfully baste you. \
		-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 \
',' \
Chicken Soup: \
	An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, \
	cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup \
	can\'t cure is neurotic dependence on one\'s mother. \
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy\'s Guide to Yiddish" \
',' \
Chism\'s Law of Completion: \
	The amount of time required to complete a government project is \
	precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. \
',' \
Chisolm\'s First Corollary to Murphy\'s Second Law: \
	When things just can\'t possibly get any worse, they will. \
',' \
Christmas: \
	A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry  \
	salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best \
	response time of the entire year. \
',' \
Churchill\'s Commentary on Man: \
	Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, \
	but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. \
',' \
Cinemuck, n.: \
	The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which \
	covers the floors of movie theaters. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
clairvoyant, n.: \
	A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that \
	which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Clarke\'s Conclusion: \
	Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. \
',' \
Clay\'s Conclusion: \
	Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. \
',' \
clone, n: \
	1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their \
	product."  2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product \
	is a clone of our product." \
',' \
Clovis\' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: \
	The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated \
	than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, \
	bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. \
',' \
COBOL: \
	An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. \
',' \
COBOL: \
	Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. \
',' \
Cohen\'s Law: \
	There is no bottom to worse. \
',' \
Cohn\'s Law: \
	The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less \
	time you have to do anything.  Stability is achieved when you spend \
	all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. \
',' \
Cold, adj.: \
	When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. \
',' \
Cole\'s Law: \
	Thinly sliced cabbage. \
',' \
Collaboration, n.: \
	A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the \
	other fellow can spell. \
',' \
College: \
	The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. \
',' \
Colvard\'s Logical Premises: \
	All probabilities are 50%. \
	Either a thing will happen or it won\'t. \
 \
Colvard\'s Unconscionable Commentary: \
	This is especially true when dealing with someone you\'re attracted to. \
 \
Grelb\'s Commentary: \
	Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. \
',' \
Command, n.: \
	Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in \
	such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. \
',' \
comment: \
	A superfluous element of a source program included so the \
	programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing \
	six months later.  Only the weak-minded need them, according \
	to those who think they aren\'t. \
',' \
Commitment, n.: \
	[The difference between involvement and] Commitment can be \
	illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.  The chicken was \
	involved, the pig was committed. \
',' \
Committee Rules: \
	(1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. \
	(2) Don\'t say anything until the meeting is half over; this \
	    stamps you as being wise. \
	(3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the \
	    others. \
	(4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. \
	(5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you \
	    popular -- it\'s what everyone is waiting for. \
',' \
Committee, n.: \
	A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group \
	decide that nothing can be done. \
		-- Fred Allen \
',' \
Commoner\'s three laws of ecology: \
	(1) No action is without side-effects. \
	(2) Nothing ever goes away. \
	(3) There is no free lunch. \
',' \
Complex system: \
	One with real problems and imaginary profits. \
',' \
Compliment, n.: \
	When you say something to another which everyone knows isn\'t true. \
',' \
compuberty, n: \
	The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a \
	computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and \
	a sun4 is put online sharing files. \
',' \
Computer science: \
	(1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the \
	   precision of the former and the success of the latter. \
	(2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. \
	(3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. \
	(4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. \
	(5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. \
	(6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. \
',' \
Computer, n.: \
	An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a \
	totally understandable, rigorously logical manner.  If you believe \
	this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. \
',' \
Concept, n.: \
	Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than \
	$25,000. \
',' \
Conference, n.: \
	A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear \
	what they have to say, so long as it doesn\'t conflict with what \
	he\'s already decided to do. \
',' \
Confidant, confidante, n: \
	One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Confirmed bachelor: \
	A man who goes through life without a hitch. \
',' \
Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. \
	Mathematician\'s Proof: \
		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  By induction, all \
		odd numbers are prime. \
	Physicist\'s Proof: \
		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is experimental \
		error.  11 is prime.  13 is prime ... \
	Engineer\'s Proof: \
		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is prime. \
		11 is prime.  13 is prime ... \
	Computer Scientists\'s Proof: \
		3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime... \
',' \
Connector Conspiracy, n: \
	[probably came into prominence with the appearance of the KL-10, \
	none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of \
	manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) \
	to come up with new products which don\'t fit together with the old \
	stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive \
	interface devices. \
',' \
Consent decree: \
	A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit \
	in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it \
	never admitted to in the first place. \
',' \
Consultant, n.: \
	(1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell \
	you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title \
	of anyone who doesn\'t currently hold a job. Motto: Have \
	Calculator, Will Travel. \
',' \
Consultant, n.: \
	[From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con \
	(vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of \
	"insult."]  A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who \
	has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase \
	and heavy wallet. \
',' \
Consultant, n.: \
	An ordinary man a long way from home. \
',' \
consultant, n.: \
	Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can\'t get a date. \
',' \
Consultant, n.: \
	Someone who\'d rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on \
	the ground and tell the truth. \
',' \
Consultation, n.: \
	Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." \
',' \
Conversation, n.: \
	A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath \
	is called the listener. \
',' \
Conway\'s Law: \
	In any organization there will always be one person who knows \
	what is going on. \
 \
	This person must be fired. \
',' \
Copying machine, n.: \
	A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, \
	and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn\'t \
	interested in reading them. \
',' \
Coronation, n.: \
	The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible \
	signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Correspondence Corollary: \
	An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half \
	your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory. \
',' \
Corry\'s Law: \
	Paper is always strongest at the perforations. \
',' \
court, n.: \
	A place where they dispense with justice. \
		-- Arthur Train \
',' \
Coward, n.: \
	One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Creditor, n.: \
	A man who has a better memory than a debtor. \
',' \
Crenna\'s Law of Political Accountability: \
	If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be \
	held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties. \
',' \
critic, n.: \
	A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries \
	to please him. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Croll\'s Query: \
	If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? \
',' \
Cropp\'s Law: \
	The amount of work done varies inversly with the time spent in the \
	office. \
',' \
Cruickshank\'s Law of Committees: \
	If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it \
	will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so \
	much work has already been done on it. \
',' \
cursor address, n: \
	"Hello, cursor!" \
		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil\'s DP Dictionary" \
',' \
Cursor, n.: \
	One whose program will not run. \
		-- Robb Russon \
',' \
curtation, n.: \
	The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field \
environment. \
	The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, \
addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial \
matter.  Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more \
people than any other aspect of data processing.  You order Mozart\'s "Don \
Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. \
The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous!  Equally puzzling is \
the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you \
order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". \
Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, \
check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, \
possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL."  The squeezing of fruit into 10 \
columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP.  The examples \
cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still \
with us. \
 \
MOZ DONG n. \
	Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da \
Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat\'l \
Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y. \
		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil\'s DP Dictionary" \
',' \
Cutler Webster\'s Law: \
	There are two sides to every argument, unless a person \
	is personally involved, in which case there is only one. \
',' \
Cynic, n.: \
	A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not \
	as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking \
	out a cynic\'s eyes to improve his vision. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Cynic, n.: \
	Experienced. \
',' \
Cynic, n.: \
	One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. \
',' \
Data, n.: \
	An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. \
',' \
Data, n.: \
	Computerspeak for "information".  Properly pronounced \
	the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child. \
',' \
Davis\' Law of Traffic Density: \
	The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to \
	1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time. \
',' \
Davis\'s Dictum: \
	Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. \
',' \
Dawn, n.: \
	The time when men of reason go to bed. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Deadwood, n.: \
	Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. \
',' \
Death wish, n.: \
	The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. \
',' \
Decision maker, n.: \
	The person in your office who was unable to form a task force \
	before the music stopped. \
',' \
default, n.: \
	[Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, \
	mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity.  "Nothing will \
	come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. \
		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil\'s DP Dictionary" \
',' \
Default, n.: \
	The hardware\'s, of course. \
',' \
Deja vu: \
	French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. \
	Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced \
	something actually being encountered for the first time. \
	Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced \
	something actually being encountered for the first time. \
',' \
Deliberation, n.: \
	The act of examining one\'s bread to determine which side it is \
	buttered on. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Dentist, n.: \
	A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one\'s mouth, pulls \
	coins out of one\'s pockets. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Denver, n.: \
	A smallish city located just below the `O\' in Colorado. \
',' \
design, v.: \
	What you regret not doing later on. \
',' \
DeVries\' Dilemma: \
	If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don\'t want \
	hits the paper. \
',' \
Dibble\'s First Law of Sociology: \
	Some do, some don\'t. \
',' \
Die, v.: \
	To stop sinning suddenly. \
		-- Elbert Hubbard \
',' \
Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker\'s De-lite): \
	1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce \
	1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast \
	1 carton milk \
',' \
diplomacy, n: \
	Lying in state. \
',' \
Dirksen\'s Three Laws of Politics: \
	(1) Get elected. \
	(2) Get re-elected. \
	(3) Don\'t get mad, get even. \
		-- Sen. Everett Dirksen \
',' \
disbar, n: \
	As distinguished from some other bar. \
',' \
Distinctive, adj.: \
	A different color or shape than our competitors. \
',' \
Distress, n.: \
	A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
divorce, n: \
	A change of wife. \
',' \
Documentation: \
	Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English \
	speaking persons. \
',' \
double-blind experiment, n: \
	An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is \
	fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied \
	by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. \
',' \
Dow\'s Law: \
	In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, \
	the greater the confusion. \
',' \
Drakenberg\'s Discovery: \
	If you can\'t seem to find your glasses, \
	it\'s probably because you don\'t have them on. \
',' \
Drew\'s Law of Highway Biology: \
	The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front \
	of your eyes. \
',' \
drug, n: \
	A substance that, injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper. \
',' \
Ducharme\'s Precept: \
	Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. \
 \
Ducharme\'s Axiom: \
	If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize \
	yourself as part of the problem. \
',' \
Duty, n: \
	What one expects from others. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Eagleson\'s Law: \
	Any code of your own that you haven\'t looked at for six or more \
	months, might as well have been written by someone else.  (Eagleson \
	is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) \
',' \
economics, n.: \
	Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith. \
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist\'s Almanac" \
',' \
Economies of scale: \
	The notion that bigger is better.  In particular, that if you want \
	a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one \
	biggie than a bunch of smallies.  Accepted as an article of faith \
	by people who love big machines and all that complexity.  Rejected \
	as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all \
	those limitations. \
',' \
economist, n: \
	Someone who\'s good with figures, but doesn\'t have enough \
	personality to become an accountant. \
',' \
Egotism, n: \
	Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. \
 \
Egotist, n: \
	A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Ehrman\'s Commentary: \
	(1) Things will get worse before they get better. \
	(2) Who said things would get better? \
',' \
Elbonics, n.: \
	The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie \
	theatre. \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
Electrocution, n.: \
	Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. \
',' \
Elephant, n.: \
	A mouse built to government specifications. \
',' \
Eleventh Law of Acoustics: \
	In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between \
	frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they \
	are all merely transforms of one another.  This combined with \
	minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct \
	compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can \
	lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost.  However, \
	of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. \
',' \
Emacs, n.: \
	A slow-moving parody of a text editor. \
',' \
Emerson\'s Law of Contrariness: \
	Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we \
	can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. \
',' \
Encyclopedia Salesmen: \
	Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police \
	and tell them your house is being burgled. \
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist\'s Almanac" \
',' \
Endless Loop, n.: \
	see Loop, Endless. \
Loop, Endless, n.: \
	see Endless Loop. \
		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary \
',' \
Engram, n.: \
	1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." \
2. A particular memory in physical form.  [Usage note:  this term is no longer \
in common use.  Prior to Wilson and Magruder\'s historic discovery, the nature \
of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, \
psychologists, and even computer scientists.  In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson \
and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved \
conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of \
thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros.  Human memory \
was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only \
ASCII strings.  Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that \
time.] \
		-- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, \
		   3rd edition, 2007 A.D. \
',' \
enhance, v.: \
	To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. \
',' \
Entreprenuer, n.: \
	A high-rolling risk taker who would rather \
	be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. \
',' \
Envy, n.: \
	Wishing you\'d been born with an unfair advantage, \
	instead of having to try and acquire one. \
',' \
Epperson\'s law: \
	When a man says it\'s a silly, childish game, it\'s probably \
	something his wife can beat him at. \
',' \
Etymology, n.: \
	Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that \
	were hard for the public to believe.  The term "etymology" was formed \
	from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" \
	("study of").  It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." \
		-- Mike Kellen \
',' \
Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): \
 \
Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs, and in \
front they have fore-legs.  This makes six legs, which is certainly an \
odd number of legs for a horse.  But the only number that is both even \
and odd is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an infinite number of \
legs.  Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, \
there is a horse that has a finite number of legs.  But that is a horse \
of another color, and by the lemma ["All horses are the same color"], \
that does not exist. \
',' \
Every program has (at least) two purposes: \
	the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn\'t. \
',' \
Expense Accounts, n.: \
	Corporate food stamps. \
',' \
Experience, n.: \
	Something you don\'t get until just after you need it. \
		-- Olivier \
',' \
Expert, n.: \
	Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. \
',' \
Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: \
 \
		NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE \
 \
To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully \
cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand \
corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and \
address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- \
to a 3x5 inch index card.  (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower \
left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card \
below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your \
computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL \
SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.)  (e) Finally place 3x5 card \
(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the \
Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be \
disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595.  Print \
this address correctly.  Comply with above instructions carefully and \
completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. \
',' \
Fairy Tale, n.: \
	A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. \
',' \
Fakir, n: \
	A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost \
	religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources \
	seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. \
',' \
falsie salesman, n: \
	Fuller bust man. \
',' \
Famous last words: \
',' \
Famous last words: \
	(1) "Don\'t worry, I can handle it." \
	(2) "You and what army?" \
	(3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn\'t be \
	     a cop." \
',' \
Famous last words: \
	(1) Don\'t unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. \
	(2) Let\'s take the shortcut, he can\'t see us from there. \
	(3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- \
	(4) We won\'t need reservations. \
	(5) It\'s always sunny there this time of the year. \
	(6) Don\'t worry, it\'s not loaded. \
	(7) They\'d never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. \
	(8) Don\'t worry!  Women love it! \
',' \
Famous quotations: \
	" " \
		-- Charlie Chaplin \
 \
	" " \
		-- Harpo Marx \
 \
	" " \
		-- Marcel Marceau \
',' \
Famous, adj.: \
	Conspicuously miserable. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
feature, n: \
	A surprising property of a program.  Occasionaly documented.  To \
	call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not \
	consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though \
	not necessarily wrong response.  See BUG.  "That\'s not a bug, it\'s \
	a feature!"  A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. \
',' \
fenderberg, n.: \
	The large glacial deposits that form on the insides \
	of car fenders during snowstorms. \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
Ferguson\'s Precept: \
	A crisis is when you can\'t say "let\'s forget the whole thing." \
',' \
Fidelity, n.: \
	A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. \
',' \
Fifth Law of Applied Terror: \
	If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. \
 \
Corollary: \
	If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. \
',' \
Fifth Law of Procrastination: \
	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that \
	there is nothing important to do. \
',' \
File cabinet: \
	A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. \
',' \
filibuster, n.: \
	Throwing your wait around. \
',' \
Finagle\'s Creed: \
	Science is true.  Don\'t be misled by facts. \
',' \
Finagle\'s Eighth Law: \
	If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. \
 \
Finagle\'s Ninth Law: \
	No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to \
	fake it. \
 \
Finagle\'s Tenth Law: \
	No matter what the result someone is always eager to misinterpret it. \
 \
Finagle\'s Eleventh Law: \
	No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to \
	his pet theory. \
',' \
Finagle\'s First Law: \
	If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. \
',' \
Finagle\'s First Law: \
	To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. \
 \
Finagle\'s Second Law: \
	Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you\'ve been working. \
 \
Finagle\'s Fourth Law: \
	Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes \
	it worse. \
 \
Finagle\'s Fifth Law: \
	Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. \
 \
Finagle\'s Sixth Law: \
	Don\'t believe in miracles -- rely on them. \
',' \
Finagle\'s Second Law: \
	No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be \
	someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it \
	happened according to his own pet theory. \
',' \
Finagle\'s Seventh Law: \
	The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. \
',' \
Finagle\'s Third Law: \
	In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, \
	beyond all need of checking, is the mistake \
 \
Corollaries: \
	(1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. \
	(2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really \
	    don\'t want to hear, will see it immediately. \
',' \
Fine\'s Corollary: \
	Functionality breeds Contempt. \
',' \
Finster\'s Law: \
	A closed mouth gathers no feet. \
',' \
First Law of Bicycling: \
	No matter which way you ride, it\'s uphill and against the wind. \
',' \
First law of debate: \
	Never argue with a fool.  People might not know the difference. \
',' \
First Law of Procrastination: \
	Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility \
	for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who \
	imposed the deadline). \
 \
Fifth Law of Procrastination: \
	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that \
	there is nothing important to do. \
',' \
First Law of Socio-Genetics: \
	Celibacy is not hereditary. \
',' \
First Rule of History: \
	History doesn\'t repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other. \
',' \
Fishbowl, n.: \
	A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly promoted managers are \
	kept for observation. \
',' \
Five rules for eternal misery: \
	(1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. \
	(2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to \
	    treat these assumptions as though they are reality. \
	(3) Then treat each new situation as though it\'s a crisis. \
	(4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with \
	    how much better things might have been or how much worse \
	    things might become). \
	(5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to \
	    follow the first four rules. \
',' \
flannister, n.: \
	The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
Flon\'s Law: \
	There is not now, and never will be, a language in \
	which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. \
',' \
flowchart, n. & v.: \
	[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart \
"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] \
1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction \
problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation \
using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template.  2. n. Neronic \
doodling while the system burns.  3. n. A low-cost substitute for \
wallpaper.  4. n.  The innumerate misleading the illiterate.  "A \
thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer\'s \
Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T\'umps.  5. v.intrans. To produce \
flowcharts with no particular object in mind.  6. v.trans. To obfuscate \
(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. \
		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil\'s DP Dictionary" \
',' \
Flugg\'s Law: \
	When you need to knock on wood is when you realize \
	that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. \
',' \
Fog Lamps, n.: \
	Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts \
	of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the \
	driver\'s brain is in a fog.  See also "Idiot Lights". \
',' \
Foolproof Operation: \
	No provision for adjustment. \
',' \
Forecast, n.: \
	A prediction of the future, based on the past, for \
	which the forecaster demands payment in the present. \
',' \
Forgetfulness, n.: \
	A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for \
	their destitution of conscience. \
',' \
FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#1 \
skilled oral communicator: \
	Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak.  Talks to self. \
	Argues with self.  Loses these arguments. \
 \
skilled written communicator: \
	Scribbles well.  Memos are invariable illegible, except for \
	the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. \
 \
growth potential: \
	With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training, \
	the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet \
	the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. \
 \
key company figure: \
	Serves as the perfect counter example. \
',' \
FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#4 \
consistent: \
	Reviewee hasn\'t gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated \
	that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. \
 \
an excellent sounding board: \
	Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement \
	them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. \
 \
a planner and organizer: \
	Usually manages to put on socks before shoes.  Can match the \
	animal tags on his clothing. \
',' \
FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#9 \
has management potential: \
	Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the \
	reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department \
	pencil monitor. \
 \
inspirational: \
	A true inspiration to others.  ("There, but for the grace of God, \
	go I.") \
 \
adapts to stress: \
	Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the \
	situation. \
 \
goal oriented: \
	Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails \
	to meet them. \
',' \
Fortune\'s Rules for Memo Wars: #2 \
 \
Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over \
the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that \
the author of an memo is trying to say.  Thanks to modern developments \
in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an \
incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has \
never known.  Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else\'s \
memo is practically nil.  Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having \
done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly.  If you *do* understand \
the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then \
you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack.  In fact, \
the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: \
 \
	1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo. \
	2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. \
	3: When replying to one of your own memos. \
',' \
Fourth Law of Applied Terror: \
	The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology \
	instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. \
 \
Corollary: \
	Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except \
	study for that instructor\'s course. \
',' \
Fourth Law of Revision: \
	It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about \
	interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. \
',' \
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: \
	If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero. \
		-- David Ellis \
',' \
Fresco\'s Discovery: \
	If you knew what you were doing you\'d probably be bored. \
',' \
Fried\'s 1st Rule: \
	Increased automation of clerical function \
	invariably results in increased operational costs. \
',' \
Friends, n.: \
	People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. \
 \
	People who know you well, but like you anyway. \
',' \
Frobnicate, v.: \
	To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually \
abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob." See TWEAK \
and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along \
a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross \
manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes \
fine-tuning.  If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he\'s \
carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it \
but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he\'s just \
doing it because turning a knob is fun, he\'s frobbing it. \
',' \
Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob\'nitsm) n.: \
	An unspecified physical object, a widget.  Also refers to electronic \
black boxes.  This rare form is usually abbreviated to FROTZ, or more \
commonly to FROB.  Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and FROBNODULE. \
Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz\'), pl. FROBBOTZIM, has also \
become very popular, largely due to its exposure via the Adventure spin-off \
called Zork (Dungeon).  These can also be applied to non-physical objects, \
such as data structures. \
',' \
Fuch\'s Warning: \
	If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren\'t well \
	enough to travel. \
',' \
Fudd\'s First Law of Opposition: \
	Push something hard enough and it will fall over. \
',' \
Fun experiments: \
	Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. \
	Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... \
	bedroom, car, etc.  As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount. \
',' \
Fun Facts, #14: \
	In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins.  That\'s how \
	it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won. \
',' \
Fun Facts, #63: \
	The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. \
	It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the \
	Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in \
	1510. \
',' \
furbling, v.: \
	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank \
	even when you are the only person in line. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
Galbraith\'s Law of Human Nature: \
	Faced with the choice between changing one\'s mind and proving that \
	there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. \
',' \
Genderplex, n.: \
	The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to \
	determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
genealogy, n.: \
	An account of one\'s descent from an ancestor \
	who did not particularly care to trace his own. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Genius, n.: \
	A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright." \
',' \
genius, n.: \
	Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right \
	time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying \
	all the right things to all the right people. \
',' \
genlock, n.: \
	Why he stays in the bottle. \
',' \
Gerrold\'s Laws of Infernal Dynamics: \
	(1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. \
	(2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. \
	(3) The energy required to change either one of these states \
	   will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so \
	   much as to make the task totally impossible. \
',' \
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. \
 \
Corollary: \
	Following the rules will not get the job done. \
',' \
Gilbert\'s Discovery: \
	Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces \
	sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other. \
',' \
Ginsberg\'s Theorem: \
	(1) You can\'t win. \
	(2) You can\'t break even. \
	(3) You can\'t even quit the game. \
 \
Freeman\'s Commentary on Ginsberg\'s theorem: \
	Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem \
	meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg\'s \
	Theorem.  To wit: \
 \
	(1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. \
	(2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. \
	(3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. \
',' \
Ginsburg\'s Law: \
	At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your \
	big toe will pop out of your sock to see what\'s going on. \
',' \
gleemites, n.: \
	Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
Glib\'s Fourth Law of Unreliability: \
	Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the \
	probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting \
	some useful work done. \
',' \
Gnagloot, n.: \
	A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to \
	impress people. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
Goda\'s Truism: \
	By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, \
	somebody moves the ends. \
',' \
Godwin\'s Law (prov.  [Usenet]): \
	As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a \
	comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one." There is a \
	tradition in many groups that, once this occurs, that thread is \
	over, and whoever mentioned the Nazis has automatically lost \
	whatever argument was in progress.  Godwin\'s Law thus guarantees \
	the existence of an upper bound on thread length in those groups. \
',' \
Gold\'s Law: \
	If the shoe fits, it\'s ugly. \
',' \
Gold, n.: \
	A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It \
	is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich \
	men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, \
	although gold hasn\'t done anything to them. \
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist\'s Almanac" \
',' \
Goldenstern\'s Rules: \
	(1) Always hire a rich attorney \
	(2) Never buy from a rich salesman. \
',' \
Gomme\'s Laws: \
	(1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. \
	(2) Time accelerates. \
	(3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. \
',' \
Gordon\'s first law: \
	If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well. \
',' \
Gordon\'s Law: \
	If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. \
',' \
gossip, n.: \
	Hearing something you like about someone you don\'t. \
		-- Earl Wilson \
',' \
Goto, n.: \
	A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers \
	to complain about unstructured programmers. \
		-- Ray Simard \
',' \
Government\'s Law: \
	There is an exception to all laws. \
',' \
Grabel\'s Law: \
	2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. \
',' \
Grandpa Charnock\'s Law: \
	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. \
 \
	[I thought it was when your kids learned to drive.  Ed.] \
',' \
grasshopotomaus: \
	A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. \
',' \
Gravity: \
	What you get when you eat too much and too fast. \
',' \
Gray\'s Law of Programming: \
	`_n+1\' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same \
	time as `_n\' tasks. \
 \
Logg\'s Rebuttal to Gray\'s Law: \
	`_n+1\' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n\' trivial tasks. \
',' \
Great American Axiom: \
	Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. \
',' \
Green\'s Law of Debate: \
	Anything is possible if you don\'t know what you\'re talking about. \
',' \
Greener\'s Law: \
	Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. \
',' \
Grelb\'s Reminder: \
	Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above \
	average drivers. \
',' \
Griffin\'s Thought: \
	When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. \
',' \
Grinnell\'s Law of Labor Laxity: \
	At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today. \
',' \
Guillotine, n.: \
	A French chopping center. \
',' \
Gumperson\'s Law: \
	The probability of a given event occurring is inversely \
	proportional to its desirability. \
',' \
Gunter\'s Airborne Discoveries: \
	(1)  When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, \
	     the aircraft will encounter turbulence. \
	(2)  The strength of the turbulence \
	     is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. \
',' \
gurmlish, n.: \
	The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which \
	prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof \
	of his mouth. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
guru, n.: \
	A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with \
	a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the \
	phone call you are about to receive from your boss. \
',' \
guru, n: \
	A computer owner who can read the manual. \
',' \
gyroscope, n.: \
	A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also \
	free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to \
	each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the \
	two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of \
	torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the \
	entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on \
	the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction \
	of the axis of spin. \
		-- Webster\'s Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary \
',' \
H. L. Mencken\'s Law: \
	Those who can -- do. \
	Those who can\'t -- teach. \
 \
Martin\'s Extension: \
	Those who cannot teach -- administrate. \
',' \
Hacker\'s Law: \
	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir \
	a nation to action is one of mankind\'s oldest illusions. \
',' \
Hacker\'s Quicky #313: \
	Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips \
	Microwave Egg Roll \
	Chocolate Milk \
',' \
hacker, n.: \
	A master byter. \
',' \
hacker, n.: \
	Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate \
	things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the \
	mythical philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, \'hack\'. \
	In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body \
	of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather \
	in a small circle around a first edition of Knuth\'s Best Volume I by \
	candlelight, and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending \
	the following ditty: \
 \
		Hacker\'s Fight Song \
 \
		He\'s a Hack!  He\'s a Hack! \
		He\'s a guy with the happy knack! \
		Never bungles, never shirks, \
		Always gets his stuff to work! \
 \
All take a drink (important!) \
',' \
Hale Mail Rule, The: \
	When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least \
	one of the following: \
		(a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. \
		(b) Stationery. \
		(c) Postage stamp. \
		(d) The letter you are answering. \
',' \
half-done, n.: \
	This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it\'s still crunchy, \
	light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference between this \
	and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the \
	difference between life and death. \
 \
	You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there \
	in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, \
	fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, \
	transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on \
	Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk \
	about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the \
	man, "Let me have a nice half-done."  Worth the trouble, wasn\'t it? \
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy\'s Guide to Yiddish" \
',' \
Hand, n.: \
	A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and \
	commonly thrust into somebody\'s pocket. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
handshaking protocol, n: \
	A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a \
	terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by \
	occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. \
',' \
Hangover, n.: \
	The burden of proof. \
',' \
hangover, n.: \
	The wrath of grapes. \
',' \
Hanlon\'s Razor: \
	Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained \
	by stupidity. \
',' \
Hanson\'s Treatment of Time: \
	There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days \
	before Saturday. \
',' \
Happiness, n.: \
	An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
hard, adj.: \
	The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those \
	of other people. \
',' \
Hardware, n.: \
	The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. \
',' \
Harriet\'s Dining Observation: \
	In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats \
	increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. \
',' \
Harris\'s Lament: \
	All the good ones are taken. \
',' \
Harrisberger\'s Fourth Law of the Lab: \
	Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. \
',' \
Harrison\'s Postulate: \
	For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. \
',' \
Hartley\'s First Law: \
	You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float \
	on his back, you\'ve got something. \
',' \
Hatred, n.: \
	A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another\'s superiority. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Hawkeye\'s Conclusion: \
	It\'s not easy to play the clown when you\'ve got to run the whole \
	circus. \
',' \
Heaven, n.: \
	A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of \
	their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you \
	expound your own. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
heavy, adj.: \
	Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. \
',' \
Heller\'s Law: \
	The first myth of management is that it exists. \
 \
Johnson\'s Corollary: \
	Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the \
	organization. \
',' \
Hempstone\'s Question: \
	If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? \
',' \
Herth\'s Law: \
	He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. \
',' \
Hewett\'s Observation: \
	The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or \
	her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of \
	peers similarly engaged. \
',' \
Hildebrant\'s Principle: \
	If you don\'t know where you are going, any road will get you there. \
',' \
Hippogriff, n.: \
	An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. \
	The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. \
	The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which \
	is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full \
	of surprises. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
History, n.: \
	Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we \
	learn nothing from history.  I know people who can\'t even learn from \
	what happened this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long view. \
		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" \
',' \
Hitchcock\'s Staple Principle: \
	The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to \
	staple something. \
',' \
Hlade\'s Law: \
	If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- \
	they will find an easier way to do it. \
',' \
Hoare\'s Law of Large Problems: \
	Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. \
',' \
Hoffer\'s Discovery: \
	The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly \
	revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. \
',' \
Hofstadter\'s Law: \
	It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take \
	Hofstadter\'s Law into account. \
',' \
Hollerith, v.: \
	What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. \
',' \
honeymoon, n.: \
	A short period of doting between dating and debting. \
		-- Ray C. Bandy \
',' \
Honorable, adj.: \
	Afflicted with an impediment in one\'s reach.  In legislative \
	bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, \
	"the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Horner\'s Five Thumb Postulate: \
	Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. \
',' \
Horngren\'s Observation: \
	Among economists, the real world is often a special case. \
',' \
Household hint: \
	If you are out of cream for your coffee, mayonnaise makes a \
	dandy substitute. \
',' \
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT\'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: \
	#1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. \
',' \
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT\'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: \
	#15 Your pet rock snaps at you. \
',' \
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT\'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: \
	#32: You call your answering service and they\'ve never heard of you. \
',' \
Howe\'s Law: \
	Everyone has a scheme that will not work. \
',' \
Hubbard\'s Law: \
	Don\'t take life too seriously; you won\'t get out of it alive. \
',' \
Hurewitz\'s Memory Principle: \
	The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional \
	to... to... uh..... \
',' \
IBM Pollyanna Principle: \
	Machines should work.  People should think. \
',' \
IBM\'s original motto: \
	Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum. \
',' \
IBM: \
	[International Business Machines Corp.]  Also known as Itty Bitty \
	Machines or The Lawyer\'s Friend.  The dominant force in computer \
	marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware \
	and 10% of all software.  To protect itself from the litigious envy \
	of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM \
	employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys\' General. \
',' \
IBM: \
	I\'ve Been Moved \
	Idiots Become Managers \
	Idiots Buy More \
	Impossible to Buy Machine \
	Incredibly Big Machine \
	Industry\'s Biggest Mistake \
	International Brotherhood of Mercenaries \
	It Boggles the Mind \
	It\'s Better Manually \
	Itty-Bitty Machines \
',' \
IBM: \
	It may be slow, but it\'s hard to use. \
',' \
idiot box, n.: \
	The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the \
	stamp when they can\'t quite figure it out for themselves. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
Idiot, n.: \
	A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human \
	affairs has always been dominant and controlling. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
idleness, n.: \
	Leisure gone to seed. \
',' \
ignisecond, n: \
	The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car \
	door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
ignorance, n.: \
	When you don\'t know anything, and someone else finds out. \
',' \
Iles\'s Law: \
	There is always an easier way to do it.  When looking directly \
	at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. \
	Neither will Iles. \
',' \
Imbesi\'s Law with Freeman\'s Extension: \
	In order for something to become clean, something else must \
	become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting \
	anything clean. \
',' \
Immutability, Three Rules of: \
	(1)  If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. \
	(2)  If a small boy can get dirty, he will. \
	(3)  If a teenager can go out, he will. \
',' \
Impartial, adj.: \
	Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from \
	espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two \
	conflicting opinions. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
inbox, n.: \
	A catch basin for everything you don\'t want to deal with, but \
	are afraid to throw away. \
',' \
incentive program, n.: \
	The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses \
	to motivate its people.  Still, despite all the experimentation with \
	profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective \
	incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to \
	keep it." \
',' \
Incumbent, n.: \
	Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
index, n.: \
	Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an \
	alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be. \
',' \
Infancy, n.: \
	The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies \
	about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Information Center, n.: \
	A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to \
	tell you why you cannot have the information you require. \
',' \
Information Processing: \
	What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with \
	it they won\'t let it be discussed in their presence. \
',' \
Ingrate, n.: \
	A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of \
	indigestion. \
',' \
ink, n.: \
	A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, \
	and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of \
	idiocy and promote intellectual crime. \
		-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
innovate, v.: \
	To annoy people. \
',' \
insecurity, n.: \
	Finding out that you\'ve mispronounced for years one of your \
	favorite words. \
 \
	Realizing halfway through a joke that you\'re telling it to \
	the person who told it to you. \
',' \
interest, n.: \
	What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and \
	burned out employees must feign. \
',' \
Interpreter, n.: \
	One who enables two persons of different languages to \
	understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to \
	the interpreter\'s advantage for the other to have said. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
intoxicated, adj.: \
	When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it. \
',' \
Iron Law of Distribution: \
	Them that has, gets. \
',' \
ISO applications: \
	A solution in search of a problem! \
',' \
Issawi\'s Laws of Progress: \
	The Course of Progress: \
		Most things get steadily worse. \
	The Path of Progress: \
		A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. \
',' \
It is fruitless: \
	to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. \
 \
	to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with \
	innovative maneuvers. \
',' \
"It\'s in process": \
	So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. \
',' \
italic, adj: \
	Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases.  Unique to \
	Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases \
	are often slanted to the left. \
',' \
Jacquin\'s Postulate on Democratic Government: \
	No man\'s life, liberty, or property are safe while the \
	legislature is in session. \
',' \
Jenkinson\'s Law: \
	It won\'t work. \
',' \
Jim Nasium\'s Law: \
	In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people \
	using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to \
	each other so that everybody is cramped. \
',' \
job interview, n.: \
	The excruciating process during which personnel officers \
	separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. \
',' \
job Placement, n.: \
	Telling your boss what he can do with your job. \
',' \
jogger, n.: \
	An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. \
',' \
Johnny Carson\'s Definition: \
	The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs \
	in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the \
	taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. \
',' \
Johnson\'s First Law: \
	When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the \
	most inconvenient possible time. \
',' \
Johnson\'s law: \
	Systems resemble the organizations that create them. \
',' \
Jones\' First Law: \
	Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of \
	endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an \
	obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the \
	importance of their original contribution. \
',' \
Jones\' Motto: \
	Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. \
',' \
Jones\' Second Law: \
	The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone \
	to blame it on. \
',' \
Juall\'s Law on Nice Guys: \
	Nice guys don\'t always finish last; sometimes they don\'t finish. \
	Sometimes they don\'t even get a chance to start! \
',' \
Justice, n.: \
	A decision in your favor. \
',' \
Kafka\'s Law: \
	In the fight between you and the world, back the world. \
		-- Franz Kafka, "RS\'s 1974 Expectation of Days" \
',' \
Karlson\'s Theorem of Snack Food Packages: \
	For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING \
	package of snack food. \
 \
Gibson the Cat\'s Corrolary: \
	For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson\'s package \
	of lunch meat. \
',' \
Katz\' Law: \
	Men and nations will act rationally when \
	all other possibilities have been exhausted. \
 \
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have \
exhausted all other alternatives. \
		-- Abba Eban \
',' \
Kaufman\'s First Law of Party Physics: \
	Population density is inversely proportional \
	to the square of the distance from the keg. \
',' \
Kaufman\'s Law: \
	A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence \
	of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned. \
',' \
Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: \
	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc \
	   straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this \
	   force is technically termed "car suck"). \
	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive \
	   than "Watch this!" \
	(3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly \
	   proportional to the cost of hitting it.  For instance, a \
	   Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or \
	   a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. \
	(4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the \
	   cute girl you\'ve been trying to impress is watching, the \
	   Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you \
	   in the head and knock you silly. \
',' \
Kennedy\'s Market Theorem: \
	Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, \
	you\'ve got to go broke. \
',' \
Kent\'s Heuristic: \
	Look for it first where you\'d most like to find it. \
',' \
kern, v.: \
	1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear \
	of corn.  2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, \
	metal object used as part of the monetary system. \
',' \
kernel, n.: \
	A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval \
	traditions of sorcery and black art. \
',' \
Kettering\'s Observation: \
	Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. \
',' \
Kime\'s Law for the Reward of Meekness: \
	Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. \
',' \
Kin, n.: \
	An affliction of the blood. \
',' \
Kington\'s Law of Perforation: \
	If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such \
	as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest \
	part of the paper. \
',' \
Kinkler\'s First Law: \
	Responsibility always exceeds authority. \
 \
Kinkler\'s Second Law: \
	All the easy problems have been solved. \
',' \
Kliban\'s First Law of Dining: \
	Never eat anything bigger than your head. \
',' \
Kludge, n.: \
	An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a \
	distressing whole. \
		-- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation" \
',' \
Knebel\'s Law: \
	It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading \
	causes of statistics. \
',' \
knowledge, n.: \
	Things you believe. \
',' \
Kramer\'s Law: \
	You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. \
',' \
Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): \
	The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
Labor, n.: \
	One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Lackland\'s Laws: \
	(1) Never be first. \
	(2) Never be last. \
	(3) Never volunteer for anything \
',' \
Lactomangulation, n.: \
	Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly \
	that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
Langsam\'s Laws: \
	(1) Everything depends. \
	(2) Nothing is always. \
	(3) Everything is sometimes. \
',' \
Larkinson\'s Law: \
	All laws are basically false. \
',' \
laser, n.: \
	Failed death ray. \
',' \
Laura\'s Law: \
	No child throws up in the bathroom. \
',' \
Law of Communications: \
	The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications \
	between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased \
	area of misunderstanding. \
',' \
Law of Continuity: \
	Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail the same way. \
',' \
Law of Procrastination: \
	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has \
	the feeling that there is nothing important to do. \
',' \
Law of Selective Gravity: \
	An object will fall so as to do the most damage. \
 \
Jenning\'s Corollary: \
	The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side \
	down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. \
 \
Law of the Perversity of Nature: \
	You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. \
',' \
Law of the Jungle: \
	He who hesitates is lunch. \
',' \
Laws of Computer Programming: \
	(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. \
	(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer. \
	(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. \
	(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. \
	(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. \
	(6) The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. \
	(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of \
		the programmer who must maintain it. \
',' \
Laws of Serendipity: \
	(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something. \
	(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already \
	    be engaged in making an inferior one. \
',' \
lawsuit, n.: \
	A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Lawyer\'s Rule: \
	When the law is against you, argue the facts. \
	When the facts are against you, argue the law. \
	When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. \
',' \
Lazlo\'s Chinese Relativity Axiom: \
	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- \
	approximately one billion Chinese couldn\'t care less. \
',' \
learning curve, n.: \
	An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants \
	in the 1970\'s, asserting that the more you do something the \
	quicker you can do it. \
',' \
Lee\'s Law: \
	Mother said there would be days like this, \
	but she never said that there\'d be so many! \
',' \
Leibowitz\'s Rule: \
	When hammering a nail, you will never hit your \
	finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. \
',' \
Lemma:  All horses are the same color. \
Proof (by induction): \
	Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all \
	horses in that set are the same color. \
	Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses.  Pull one of these \
	horses out of the set, so that you have k horses.  Suppose that all \
	of these horses are the same color.  Now put back the horse that you \
	took out, and pull out a different one.  Suppose that all of the k \
	horses now in the set are the same color.  Then the set of k+1 horses \
	are all the same color.  We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all \
	horses are the same color. \
Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. \
Proof (by intimidation): \
	Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs.  It \
	is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in \
	back.  4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a \
	horse to have!  Now the only number that is both even and odd is \
	infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. \
	However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an \
	infinite number of legs.  Well, that would be a horse of a different \
	color; and by the Lemma, it doesn\'t exist. \
',' \
leverage, n.: \
	Even if someone doesn\'t care what the world thinks \
	about them, they always hope their mother doesn\'t find out. \
',' \
Lewis\'s Law of Travel: \
	The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn\'t belong to anyone, \
	ever. \
',' \
Liar, n.: \
	A lawyer with a roving commission. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Liar: \
	one who tells an unpleasant truth. \
		-- Oliver Herford \
',' \
Lie, n.: \
	A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one \
	discovered to date. \
',' \
Lieberman\'s Law: \
	Everybody lies, but it doesn\'t matter since nobody listens. \
',' \
life, n.: \
	A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. \
',' \
life, n.: \
	Learning about people the hard way -- by being one. \
',' \
life, n.: \
	That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. \
',' \
lighthouse, n.: \
	A tall building on the seashore in which the government \
	maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. \
',' \
like: \
	When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence. \
',' \
Linus\' Law: \
	There is no heavier burden than a great potential. \
',' \
lisp, v.: \
	To call a spade a thpade. \
',' \
Lockwood\'s Long Shot: \
	The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street \
	aren\'t one in a million, but once would be enough. \
',' \
love,  n.: \
	Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope. \
',' \
love, n.: \
	When it\'s growing, you don\'t mind watering it with a few tears. \
',' \
love, n.: \
	When you don\'t want someone too close--because you\'re very sensitive \
	to pleasure. \
',' \
love, n.: \
	When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning. \
',' \
love, n.: \
	When, if asked to choose between your lover \
	and happiness, you\'d skip happiness in a heartbeat. \
',' \
love, v.: \
	I\'ll let you play with my life if you\'ll let me play with yours. \
',' \
Lowery\'s Law: \
	If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. \
',' \
Lubarsky\'s Law of Cybernetic Entomology: \
	There\'s always one more bug. \
',' \
Lunatic Asylum, n.: \
	The place where optimism most flourishes. \
',' \
Machine-Independent, adj.: \
	Does not run on any existing machine. \
',' \
Mad, adj.: \
	Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Madison\'s Inquiry: \
	If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? \
',' \
MAFIA, n: \
	[Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance \
Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore \
subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS.  MAFIA documentation is \
rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy \
reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP \
operations.  From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that \
MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped \
variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex \
security functions.  The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a \
more than usually autocratic operating system.  Screen prompts carry an \
imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES \
options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. \
Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a \
powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and \
entire nodal aggravations. \
		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil\'s DP Dictionary" \
',' \
Magary\'s Principle: \
	When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any \
	government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do \
	the cutting, and the public\'s services are cut. \
',' \
Magnet, n.: \
	Something acted upon by magnetism. \
 \
Magnetism, n.: \
	Something acting upon a magnet. \
 \
The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of \
one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with \
a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Magnocartic, adj.: \
	Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. \
		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" \
',' \
Magpie, n.: \
	A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it \
	might be taught to talk. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Maier\'s Law: \
	If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. \
		-- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 \
 \
Corollaries: \
	(1) The bigger the theory, the better. \
	(2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than \
	    50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to \
	    obtain a correspondence with the theory. \
',' \
Main\'s Law: \
	For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. \
',' \
Maintainer\'s Motto: \
	If we can\'t fix it, it ain\'t broke. \
',' \
Major premise: \
	Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man. \
Minor premise: \
	A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. \
Conclusion: \
	Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
 \
Secondary Conclusion: \
	Do you realize how many holes there would be if people \
	would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? \
',' \
Majority, n.: \
	That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. \
',' \
Male, n.: \
	A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex.  The male of the \
	human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man.  The genus \
	has two varieties:  good providers and bad providers. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Malek\'s Law: \
	Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. \
',' \
malpractice, n.: \
	The reason surgeons wear masks. \
',' \
management, n.: \
	The art of getting other people to do all the work. \
',' \
manic-depressive, adj.: \
	Easy glum, easy glow. \
',' \
Manly\'s Maxim: \
	Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion \
	with confidence. \
',' \
manual, n.: \
	A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a given \
	item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The information \
	you need in in the others. \
		-- Ray Simard \
',' \
Mark\'s Dental-Chair Discovery: \
	Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a \
	simple yes or no answer. \
',' \
marriage, n.: \
	An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply \
	in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing \
	that love.  In short, committment to an institution. \
',' \
marriage, n.: \
	Convertible bonds. \
',' \
Marriage, n.: \
	The evil aye. \
',' \
Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth: \
	Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants. \
',' \
Maryann\'s Law: \
	You can always find what you\'re not looking for. \
',' \
Maslow\'s Maxim: \
	If the only tool you have is a hammer, you treat everything like  \
	a nail. \
',' \
Mason\'s First Law of Synergism: \
	The one day you\'d sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. \
',' \
mathematician, n.: \
	Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your _i\'s. \
',' \
Matz\'s Law: \
	A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. \
',' \
May\'s Law: \
	The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density \
	of control.  (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) \
',' \
McEwan\'s Rule of Relative Importance: \
	When traveling with a herd of elephants, don\'t be the first to \
	lie down and rest. \
',' \
McGowan\'s Madison Avenue Axiom: \
	If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it\'s not $19.95. \
',' \
Meade\'s Maxim: \
	Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else. \
',' \
Meader\'s Law: \
	Whatever happens to you, it will previously \
	have happened to everyone you know, only more so. \
',' \
meeting, n.: \
	An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or \
	department not represented in the room must solve a problem. \
',' \
meetings, n.: \
	A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. \
',' \
memo, n.: \
	An interoffice communication too often written more for the benefit \
	of the person who sends it than the person who receives it. \
',' \
Mencken and Nathan\'s Fifteenth Law of The Average American: \
	The worst actress in the company is always the manager\'s wife. \
',' \
Mencken and Nathan\'s Ninth Law of The Average American: \
	The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the \
	cork makes when it is popped. \
',' \
Mencken and Nathan\'s Second Law of The Average American: \
	All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. \
',' \
Mencken and Nathan\'s Sixteenth Law of The Average American: \
	Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that \
	is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can \
	never hope to acquire it. \
',' \
Menu, n.: \
	A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. \
',' \
Meskimen\'s Law: \
	There\'s never time to do it right, but there\'s always time to \
	do it over. \
',' \
meterologist, n.: \
	One who doubts the established fact that it is \
	bound to rain if you forget your umbrella. \
',' \
methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- \
ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- \
phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- \
taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- \
glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- \
nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- \
minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- \
cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- \
leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- \
cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- \
lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- \
sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- \
cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- \
nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- \
nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- \
partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- \
glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- \
valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- \
cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- \
nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- \
rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- \
glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- \
sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- \
lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- \
glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: \
	The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a \
	1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. \
		-- Mrs. Byrne\'s Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and \
		   Preposterous Words \
',' \
Micro Credo: \
	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. \
',' \
micro: \
	Thinker toys. \
',' \
Miksch\'s Law: \
	If a string has one end, then it has another end. \
',' \
Miller\'s Slogan: \
	Lose a few, lose a few. \
',' \
millihelen, n.: \
	The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. \
',' \
Minicomputer: \
	A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager. \
',' \
MIPS: \
	Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed \
',' \
Misfortune, n.: \
	The kind of fortune that never misses. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
MIT: \
	The Georgia Tech of the North \
',' \
Mitchell\'s Law of Committees: \
	Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are \
	held to discuss it. \
',' \
mittsquinter, adj.: \
	A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as \
	if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
Mix\'s Law: \
	There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. \
	There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. \
',' \
mixed emotions: \
	Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. \
	With five empty seats. \
',' \
mixed emotions: \
	Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff... \
	in your brand new Mercedes. \
',' \
modem, adj.: \
	Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie."  An \
	unfortunate byproduct of kerning. \
 \
	[That\'s sic!] \
',' \
modesty, n.: \
	Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. \
',' \
Modesty: \
	The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be \
	aware of it. \
		-- Oliver Herford \
',' \
Molecule, n.: \
	The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished \
	from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a \
	closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of \
	matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the \
	atom in that it is an ion ... \
	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Mollison\'s Bureaucracy Hypothesis: \
	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented \
	it wasn\'t worth doing. \
',' \
momentum, n.: \
	What you give a person when they are going away. \
',' \
Moon, n.: \
	1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to hackers.  See  \
	PHASE OF THE MOON.  2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). \
',' \
Moore\'s Constant: \
	Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody \
	does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. \
',' \
mophobia, n.: \
	Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. \
',' \
Morton\'s Law: \
	If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. \
',' \
Mosher\'s Law of Software Engineering: \
	Don\'t worry if it doesn\'t work right.  If everything did, you\'d \
	be out of a job. \
',' \
Mr. Cole\'s Axiom: \
	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the \
	population is growing. \
',' \
mummy, n.: \
	An Egyptian who was pressed for time. \
',' \
Murphy\'s Law of Research: \
	Enough research will tend to support your theory. \
',' \
Murphy\'s Laws: \
	(1) If anything can go wrong, it will. \
	(2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. \
	(3) Everything takes longer than you think it will. \
',' \
Murray\'s Rule: \
	Any country with "democratic" in the title isn\'t. \
',' \
Mustgo, n.: \
	Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so \
	long it has become a science project. \
		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" \
',' \
My father taught me three things: \
	(1) Never mix whiskey with anything but water. \
	(2) Never try to draw to an inside straight. \
	(3) Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name. \
',' \
Nachman\'s Rule: \
	When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. \
		-- Gerald Nachman \
',' \
narcolepulacyi, n.: \
	The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight \
	to also yawn. \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
nerd pack, n.: \
	Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling \
	clothes.  Nerd\'s position in engineering hierarchy can be measured \
	by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling	in his pack. \
',' \
neutron bomb, n.: \
	An explosive device of limited military value because, as \
	it only destroys people without destroying property, it \
	must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property. \
',' \
new, adj.: \
	Different color from previous model. \
',' \
Newlan\'s Truism: \
	An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the  \
	government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. \
',' \
Newman\'s Discovery: \
	Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will \
	your worst dreams. \
',' \
Newton\'s Law of Gravitation: \
	What goes up must come down.  But don\'t expect it to come down where \
	you can find it.  Murphy\'s Law applies to Newton\'s. \
',' \
Newton\'s Little-Known Seventh Law: \
	A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. \
',' \
Nick the Greek\'s Law of Life: \
	All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against. \
',' \
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: \
	The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of \
	the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. \
',' \
no brainer: \
	A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, \
	is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally. \
',' \
no maintenance: \
	Impossible to fix. \
',' \
nolo contendere: \
	A legal term meaning: "I didn\'t do it, judge, and I\'ll never do \
	it again." \
',' \
nominal egg: \
	New Yorkerese for expensive. \
',' \
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: \
	Negative expectations yield negative results. \
	Positive expectations yield negative results. \
',' \
Nouvelle cuisine, n.: \
	French for "not enough food". \
 \
Continental breakfast, n.: \
	English for "not enough food". \
 \
Tapas, n.: \
	Spanish for "not enough food". \
 \
Dim Sum, n.: \
	Chinese for more food than you\'ve ever seen in your entire life. \
',' \
November, n.: \
	The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Novinson\'s Revolutionary Discovery: \
	When comes the revolution, things will be different -- \
	not better, just different. \
',' \
Nowlan\'s Theory: \
	He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from \
	the next freeway exit. \
',' \
Nusbaum\'s Rule: \
	The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the \
	organization.  (For instance, the Murphy Center for the \
	Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted \
	to IBM, GM, and AT&T.) \
',' \
O\'Brian\'s Law: \
	Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. \
',' \
O\'Reilly\'s Law of the Kitchen: \
	Cleanliness is next to impossible \
',' \
O\'Toole\'s commentary on Murphy\'s Law: \
	Murphy was an optimist. \
',' \
Occam\'s eraser: \
	The philosophical principle that even the simplest \
	solution is bound to have something wrong with it. \
',' \
Office Automation: \
	The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office \
	by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. \
',' \
Official Project Stages: \
	(1) Uncritical Acceptance \
	(2) Wild Enthusiasm \
	(3) Dejected Disillusionment \
	(4) Total Confusion \
	(5) Search for the Guilty \
	(6) Punishment of the Innocent \
	(7) Promotion of the Non-participants \
',' \
Ogden\'s Law: \
	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. \
',' \
Old Japanese proverb: \
	There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, \
	and those who climb it twice. \
',' \
Old timer, n.: \
	One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. \
',' \
Oliver\'s Law: \
	Experience is something you don\'t get until just after you need it. \
',' \
Olmstead\'s Law: \
	After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. \
',' \
omnibiblious, adj.: \
	Indifferent to type of drink.  Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. \
	I\'m omnibiblious." \
',' \
On ability: \
	A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; \
	a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. \
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD \
',' \
On the subject of C program indentation: \
	"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people\'s C programs should be \
	indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." \
		-- Blair P. Houghton \
',' \
On-line, adj.: \
	The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. \
',' \
Once, adv.: \
	Enough. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
One Page Principle: \
	A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch \
	paper cannot be understood. \
		-- Mark Ardis \
',' \
"One size fits all": \
	Doesn\'t fit anyone. \
',' \
One-Shot Case Study, n.: \
	The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is \
	concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. \
',' \
Optimism, n.: \
	The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, \
	bad, and everything right that is wrong.  It is held with greatest \
	tenacity by those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most \
	acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile.  Being a blind \
	faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an intellectual \
	disorder, yielding to no treatment but death.  It is hereditary, but \
	not contagious. \
',' \
optimist, n.: \
	A proponent of the belief that black is white. \
 \
	A pessimist asked God for relief. \
	"Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. \
	"No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that \
would justify them." \
	"The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked \
something -- the mortality of the optimist." \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
optimist, n: \
	A bagpiper with a beeper. \
',' \
Oregano, n.: \
	The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. \
',' \
Osborn\'s Law: \
	Variables won\'t; constants aren\'t. \
',' \
Ozman\'s Laws: \
	(1)  If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won\'t. \
	(2)  The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. \
	(3)  People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn\'t. \
	(4)  Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. \
',' \
pain, n.: \
	One thing, at least it proves that you\'re alive! \
',' \
Painting, n.: \
	The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and \
	exposing them to the critic. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Pandora\'s Rule: \
	Never open a box you didn\'t close. \
',' \
Paprika Measure: \
	2 dashes    ==  1smidgen \
	2 smidgens  ==  1 pinch \
	3 pinches   ==  1 soupcon \
	2 soupcons  ==  2 much paprika \
',' \
paranoia, n.: \
	A healthy understanding of the way the universe works. \
',' \
Pardo\'s First Postulate: \
	Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. \
 \
Arnold\'s Addendum: \
	Everything else causes cancer in rats. \
',' \
Parkinson\'s Fifth Law: \
	If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good \
	bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. \
',' \
Parkinson\'s Fourth Law: \
	The number of people in any working group tends to increase \
	regardless of the amount of work to be done. \
',' \
party, n.: \
	A gathering where you meet people who drink \
	so much you can\'t even remember their names. \
',' \
Pascal Users: \
	The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. \
	Please modify your programs accordingly. \
',' \
Pascal Users: \
	To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the \
	death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. \
',' \
Pascal: \
	A programming language named after a man who would turn over \
	in his grave if he knew about it. \
		-- Datamation, January 15, 1984 \
',' \
Password: \
',' \
Patageometry, n.: \
	The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant \
	under brain transplants. \
',' \
patent: \
	A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. \
',' \
Paul\'s Law: \
	In America, it\'s not how much an item costs, it\'s how much you save. \
',' \
Paul\'s Law: \
	You can\'t fall off the floor. \
',' \
paycheck: \
	The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal \
	withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, \
	medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, \
	Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions. \
',' \
Peace, n.: \
	In international affairs, a period of cheating between two \
	periods of fighting. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Pecor\'s Health-Food Principle: \
	Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it. \
',' \
Pedaeration, n.: \
	The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the \
	sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
pediddel: \
	A car with only one working headlight. \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
Peers\'s Law: \
	The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. \
',' \
Penguin Trivia #46: \
	Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. \
		-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 \
',' \
pension: \
	A federally insured chain letter. \
',' \
People\'s Action Rules: \
	(1) Some people who can, shouldn\'t. \
	(2) Some people who should, won\'t. \
	(3) Some people who shouldn\'t, will. \
	(4) Some people who can\'t, will try, regardless. \
	(5) Some people who shouldn\'t, but try, will then blame others. \
',' \
perfect guest: \
	One who makes his host feel at home. \
',' \
Performance: \
	A statement of the speed at which a computer system works.  Or \
	rather, might work under certain circumstances.  Or was rumored \
	to be working over in Jersey about a month ago. \
',' \
pessimist: \
	A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the \
	wolf from the door. \
 \
optimist: \
	A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of \
	his pants. \
 \
opportunist: \
	A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. \
',' \
Peter\'s Law of Substitution: \
	Look after the molehills, and the \
	mountains will look after themselves. \
 \
Peter\'s Principle of Success: \
	Get up one time more than you\'re knocked down. \
 \
',' \
Peterson\'s Admonition: \
	When you think you\'re going down for the third time -- \
	just remember that you may have counted wrong. \
',' \
Peterson\'s Rules: \
	(1) Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something sticky. \
	(2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one. \
	(3) Things that tick are not always clocks. \
	(4) Suicide only works when you\'re bluffing. \
',' \
petribar: \
	Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in \
	the window of a vending machine too long. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
	Phases of a Project: \
(1)	Exultation. \
(2)	Disenchantment. \
(3)	Confusion. \
(4)	Search for the Guilty. \
(5)	Punishment for the Innocent. \
(6)	Distinction for the Uninvolved. \
',' \
philosophy: \
	The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends. \
',' \
philosophy: \
	Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. \
',' \
phosflink: \
	To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that \
	will bring it back to life). \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
Pickle\'s Law: \
	If Congress must do a painful thing, \
	the thing must be done in an odd-number year. \
',' \
pixel, n.: \
	A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. \
	The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: \
	Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial \
	intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. \
',' \
Please take note: \
',' \
Pohl\'s law: \
	Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. \
',' \
poisoned coffee, n.: \
	Grounds for divorce. \
',' \
politics, n.: \
	A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. \
	The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Pollyanna\'s Educational Constant: \
	The hyperactive child is never absent. \
',' \
polygon: \
	Dead parrot. \
',' \
Poorman\'s Rule: \
	When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package, \
	you always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open. \
',' \
Portable, adj.: \
	Survives system reboot. \
',' \
Positive, adj.: \
	Mistaken at the top of one\'s voice. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
poverty, n.: \
	An unfortunate state that persists as long \
	as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. \
',' \
Power, n.: \
	The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. \
',' \
prairies, n.: \
	Vast plains covered by treeless forests. \
',' \
Prejudice: \
	A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Preudhomme\'s Law of Window Cleaning: \
	It\'s on the other side. \
',' \
Price\'s Advice: \
	It\'s all a game -- play it to have fun. \
',' \
Priority: \
	A statement of the importance of a user or a program.  Often \
	expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn\'t \
	care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less \
	badly than someone else. \
',' \
problem drinker, n.: \
	A man who never buys. \
',' \
program, n.: \
	A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one\'s input \
	into error messages.  tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging \
	one\'s head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. \
',' \
program, n.: \
	Any task that can\'t be completed in one telephone call or one \
	day.  Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," \
	"sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation \
	always justifies hiring at least three more people. \
',' \
Programming Department: \
	Mistakes made while you wait. \
',' \
progress, n.: \
	Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons \
	invading the body and taking possession of it. \
 \
	Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria \
	and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction. \
',' \
Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. \
	SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. \
(1) Horses have an even number of legs. \
(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. \
(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of \
    legs for a horse. \
(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.  \
(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. \
 \
Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: \
	Intimidation \
	Gesticulation (handwaving) \
	"Try it; it works" \
	Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) \
	Blatant assertion \
	Changing all the 2\'s to _n\'s \
	Mutual consent \
	Lack of a counterexample, and \
	"It stands to reason" \
',' \
prototype, n.: \
	First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by \
	pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, \
	upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc.  Unlike its successors, the \
	prototype is not expected to work. \
',' \
Pryor\'s Observation: \
	How long you live has nothing to do  \
	with how long you are going to be dead. \
',' \
Pudder\'s Law: \
	Anything that begins well will end badly. \
	(Note: The converse of Pudder\'s law is not true.) \
',' \
purpitation, n.: \
	To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you \
	don\'t want it, and then put it in another section. \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
Putt\'s Law: \
	Technology is dominated by two types of people: \
		Those who understand what they do not manage. \
		Those who manage what they do not understand. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	 "It\'s not the despair... I can stand the despair.  It\'s the hope." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"A child of 5 could understand this!  Fetch me a child of 5." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Do you smell something burning or is it me?" \
		-- Joan of Arc \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Don\'t let your mind wander -- it\'s too little to be let out alone." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"East is east... and let\'s keep it that way." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name\'s not there, \
	I go to work." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now \
	to late to punish." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"He\'s on the same bus, but he\'s sure as hell got a different \
	ticket." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I ain\'t broke, but I\'m badly bent." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I am not sure what this is, but an \'F\' would only dignify it." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I don\'t think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the \
	other hand, if he were already in, I don\'t think they\'d let him out." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I haven\'t come far enough, and don\'t call me baby." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I never met a man I couldn\'t drink handsome." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it \
	didn\'t work." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a \
	horse with one of the horns broken off." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return \
	it though.  Couldn\'t figure out a way to connect the snow blower." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with \
	the lost." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I used to get high on life but lately I\'ve built up a resistance." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I won\'t say he\'s untruthful, but his wife has to call the \
	dog for dinner." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I\'d never marry a woman who didn\'t like pizza... I might play \
	golf with her, but I wouldn\'t marry her!" \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I\'ll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I\'m just a boy named \'su\'..." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I\'m not really for apathy, but I\'m not against it either..." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I\'m on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I\'ve always wanted to work in the Federal Mint.  And then go on \
	strike.  To make less money." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I\'ve got one last thing to say before I go; give me back \
	all of my stuff." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"I\'ve just learned about his illness.  Let\'s hope it\'s nothing \
	trivial." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he\'ll know everything." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"If I could walk that way, I wouldn\'t need the cologne, now would I?" \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"If I\'m what I eat, I\'m a chocolate chip cookie." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"In the shopping mall of the mind, he\'s in the toy department." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"It seems to me that your antenna doesn\'t bring in too many \
	stations anymore." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his \
	hands in his own pockets." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"It wouldn\'t have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"It\'s a cold bowl of chili, when love don\'t work out." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"It\'s been Monday all week today." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"It\'s been real and it\'s been fun, but it hasn\'t been real fun." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"It\'s hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if \
	the ace is missing from his deck altogether." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"It\'s sort of a threat, you see.  I\'ve never been very good at \
	them myself, but I\'m told they can be very effective." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?" \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Lack of planning on your part doesn\'t consitute an emergency \
	on my part." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Like this rose, our love will wilt and die." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?" \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Of course it\'s the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with \
	a fake?" \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Of course there\'s no reason for it, it\'s just our policy." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Oh, no, no...  I\'m not beautiful.  Just very, very pretty." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Our parents were never our age." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Overweight is when you step on your dog\'s tail and it dies." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Say, you look pretty athletic.  What say we put a pair of tennis \
	shoes on you and run you into the wall?" \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"She\'s about as smart as bait." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Sure, I turned down a drink once.  Didn\'t understand the question." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its \
	neck to get the dog to play with it." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I\'m sure looking." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the \
	left." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Unlucky?  If I bought a pumpkin farm, they\'d cancel Halloween." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"What do you mean, you had the dog fixed?   Just what made you \
	think he was broken!" \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"What I like most about myself is that I\'m so understanding \
	when I mess things up." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor\', we call \
	"baring your neck." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"When she hauled ass, it took three trips." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Who?  Me?  No, no, NO!!  But I do sell rugs." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"Wouldn\'t it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?" \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? \
	How...  tribal." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	"You\'re so dumb you don\'t even have wisdom teeth." \
',' \
QOTD: \
	All I want is a little more than I\'ll ever get. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	All I want is more than my fair share. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	Flash!  Flash!  I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to \
	save the earth! \
',' \
QOTD: \
	How can I miss you if you won\'t go away? \
',' \
QOTD: \
	I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys\' car upside down, \
	then I thought \'One of us is in real trouble\'. \
		-- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash \
',' \
QOTD: \
	I love your outfit, does it come in your size? \
',' \
QOTD: \
	I opened Pandora\'s box, let the cat out of the bag and put the \
	ball in their court. \
		-- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs) \
',' \
QOTD: \
	I\'m not a nerd -- I\'m "socially challenged". \
',' \
QOTD: \
	I\'m not bald -- I\'m "hair challenged". \
 \
	[I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.] \
',' \
QOTD: \
	I\'ve heard about civil Engineers, but I\'ve never met one. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	If it\'s too loud, you\'re too old. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	If you\'re looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical \
	mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand.  Paul Ehrenfest, carrying \
	on the work, died similarly in 1933.  Now it is our turn. \
		-- Goodstein, States of Matter  \
',' \
QOTD: \
	Money isn\'t everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	On a scale of 1 to 10 I\'d say...  oh, somewhere in there. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	Sacred cows make great hamburgers. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	Silence is the only virtue he has left. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	Some people have one of those days.  I\'ve had one of those lives. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	Talent does what it can, genius what it must. \
	I do what I get paid to do. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work \
	and the others are more than willing to watch them. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	The forest may be quiet, but that doesn\'t mean \
	the snakes have gone away. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the \
	gerbil has more dark meat. \
',' \
QOTD: \
	Y\'know how s\'m people treat th\'r body like a TEMPLE? \
	Well, I treat mine like \'n AMUSEMENT PARK...  S\'great... \
',' \
Quality control, n.: \
	Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand \
	and add to the cost of its manufacture or design. \
',' \
Quality Control, n.: \
	The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off \
	a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. \
',' \
quark: \
	The sound made by a well bred duck. \
',' \
Quigley\'s Law: \
	Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will \
	atttempt to use it. \
',' \
QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]   1. a unit of weight \
equal to 13 poiuyt  avoirdupois  (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in \
structural engineering  2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully \
grown sligo can carry.  3. [Anat.] a painful  irritation  of  the dermis \
in the region of the anus  4. [Slang] person who excites in others the \
symptoms of a qwert. \
		-- Webster\'s Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. \
',' \
Ralph\'s Observation: \
	It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you \
	are in a hurry. \
',' \
Random, n.: \
	As in number, predictable.  As in memory access, unpredictable. \
',' \
Ray\'s Rule of Precision: \
	Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe. \
',' \
Re: Graphics: \
	A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe \
	the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately \
	described with pictures. \
',' \
Real Time, adj.: \
	Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then. \
',' \
Real World, The, n.: \
	1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may \
be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc.  2. To \
programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related \
to programming.  3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and \
tie and in which a person\'s working hours are defined as 9 to 5.  4. \
The location of the status quo.  5. Anywhere outside a university. \
"Poor fellow, he\'s left MIT and gone into the real world."  Used \
pejoratively by those not in residence there.  In conversation, talking \
of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a \
deceased person. \
',' \
Reappraisal, n.: \
	An abrupt change of mind after being found out. \
',' \
Reception area, n.: \
	The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend \
	innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade \
	magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, \
	while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- \
	Cosmopolitan. \
',' \
Recursion n.: \
	See Recursion. \
		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary \
',' \
Reformed, n.: \
	A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays. \
',' \
Regression analysis: \
	Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are \
	getting worse. \
',' \
Reichel\'s Law: \
	A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by \
	an outside force. \
',' \
Reisner\'s Rule of Conceptual Inertia: \
	If you think big enough, you\'ll never have to do it. \
',' \
Reliable source, n.: \
	The guy you just met. \
',' \
Renning\'s Maxim: \
	Man is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying. \
',' \
Reporter, n.: \
	A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a \
	tempest of words. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Reputation, adj.: \
	What others are not thinking about you. \
',' \
Research, n.: \
	Consider Columbus: \
	He didn\'t know where he was going. \
	When he got there he didn\'t know where he was. \
	When he got back he didn\'t know where he had been. \
	And he did it all on someone else\'s money. \
',' \
Responsibility: \
	Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility.  This is \
a lot of bunk.  Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something \
goes wrong.  When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it \
is to take the blame for your mistakes.  If they\'re smart, that is. \
		-- Cerebus, "On Governing" \
',' \
Revolution, n.: \
	A form of government abroad. \
',' \
Revolution, n.: \
	In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
revolutionary, adj.: \
	Repackaged. \
',' \
Rhode\'s Law: \
	When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, \
	or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or \
	circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, \
	estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose \
	of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or \
	personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the \
	above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and \
	adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, \
	and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to \
	assume otherwise, maybe. \
',' \
Ritchie\'s Rule: \
	(1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency. \
	(2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job. \
	(3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost. \
',' \
Robot, n.: \
	University administrator. \
',' \
Robustness, adj.: \
	Never having to say you\'re sorry. \
',' \
Rocky\'s Lemma of Innovation Prevention: \
	Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will \
	reject the proposal. \
',' \
Rudd\'s Discovery: \
	You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make \
	$300,000 to $400,000, but they don\'t.  Why?  Because they can \
	stay in Washington and make it there. \
',' \
Rudin\'s Law: \
	If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will \
	do it every time. \
 \
Rudin\'s Second Law: \
	In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative \
	courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible \
	course. \
',' \
rugged, adj.: \
	Too heavy to lift. \
',' \
Rule #1: \
	The Boss is always right. \
 \
Rule #2: \
	If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1. \
',' \
Rule of Creative Research: \
	(1) Never draw what you can copy. \
	(2) Never copy what you can trace. \
	(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. \
',' \
Rule of Defactualization: \
	Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. \
',' \
Rule of Feline Frustration: \
	When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly \
	content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the \
	bathroom. \
',' \
Rule of the Great: \
	When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep \
	thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. \
',' \
Rules for Academic Deans: \
	(1)  HIDE!!!! \
	(2)  If they find you, LIE!!!! \
		-- Father Damian C. Fandal \
',' \
Rules for driving in New York: \
	(1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. \
	(2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. \
	(3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the \
	    intersection. \
',' \
Rules for Writers: \
	Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.  Don\'t use no double \
negatives.  Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; \
and never where it isn\'t.  Reserve the apostrophe for it\'s proper use and \
omit it when its not needed.  No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are \
unnecessary.  Eschew dialect, irregardless.  And don\'t start a sentence with \
a conjunction.  Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. \
Write all adverbial forms correct.  Don\'t use contractions in formal writing. \
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.  It is incumbent on \
us to avoid archaisms.  Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have \
snuck in the language.  Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.  If I\'ve \
told you once, I\'ve told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.  Also, \
avoid awkward or affected alliteration.  Don\'t string too many prepositional \
phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of \
death.  "Avoid overuse of \'quotation "marks."\'" \
',' \
Rune\'s Rule: \
	If you don\'t care where you are, you ain\'t lost. \
',' \
Ryan\'s Law: \
	Make three correct guesses consecutively \
	and you will establish yourself as an expert. \
',' \
Sacher\'s Observation: \
	Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell. \
',' \
Satellite Safety Tip #14: \
	If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. \
',' \
Sattinger\'s Law: \
	It works better if you plug it in. \
',' \
Savage\'s Law of Expediency: \
	You want it bad, you\'ll get it bad. \
',' \
scenario, n.: \
	An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in \
	which a business decision is made.  Scenarios always come in \
	sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case. \
',' \
Schapiro\'s Explanation: \
	The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that\'s \
	because they use more manure. \
',' \
Schlattwhapper, n.: \
	The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, \
	hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
Schmidt\'s Observation: \
	All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap \
	than a thin person. \
',' \
Scott\'s First Law: \
	No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. \
 \
Scott\'s Second Law: \
	When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found \
	to have been wrong in the first place. \
Corollary: \
	After the correction has been found in error, it will be \
	impossible to fit the original quantity back into the \
	equation. \
',' \
scribline, n.: \
	The blank area on the back of credit cards where one\'s signature goes. \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
Second Law of Business Meetings: \
	If there are two possible ways to spell a person\'s name, you \
	will pick the wrong one. \
 \
Corollary: \
	If there is only one way to spell a name, \
	you will spell it wrong, anyway. \
',' \
Second Law of Final Exams: \
	In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most \
	distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. \
',' \
Secretary\'s Revenge: \
	Filing almost everything under "the". \
',' \
Seleznick\'s Theory of Holistic Medicine: \
	Ice Cream cures all ills.  Temporarily. \
',' \
Self Test for Paranoia: \
	You know you have it when you can\'t think of anything that\'s \
	your own fault. \
',' \
Senate, n.: \
	A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
senility, n.: \
	The state of mind of elderly persons with whom one happens to disagree. \
',' \
serendipity, n.: \
	The process by which human knowledge is advanced. \
',' \
Serocki\'s Stricture: \
	Marriage is always a bachelor\'s last option. \
',' \
Shannon\'s Observation: \
	Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation that is beginning to \
	improve. \
',' \
share, n.: \
	To give in, endure humiliation. \
',' \
Shaw\'s Principle: \
	Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will \
	want to use it. \
',' \
Shedenhelm\'s Law: \
	All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections. \
',' \
Shick\'s Law: \
	There is no problem a good miracle can\'t solve. \
',' \
Silverman\'s Law: \
	If Murphy\'s Law can go wrong, it will. \
',' \
Simon\'s Law: \
	Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. \
',' \
Skinner\'s Constant (or Flannagan\'s Finagling Factor): \
	That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, \
	or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you \
	should have gotten. \
',' \
Slick\'s Three Laws of the Universe: \
	(1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. \
	(2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. \
	(3)  There are two types of dirt:  the dark kind, which is \
	    attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is \
	    attracted to dark objects. \
',' \
Slous\' Contention: \
	If you do a job too well, you\'ll get stuck with it. \
',' \
Slurm, n.: \
	The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when \
	it sits in the dish too long. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
Snacktrek, n.: \
	The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly \
	returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have \
	materialized. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
snappy repartee: \
	What you\'d say if you had another chance. \
',' \
Sodd\'s Second Law: \
	Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is \
	bound to occur. \
',' \
Software, n.: \
	Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. \
',' \
Some points to remember [about animals]: \
	(1) Don\'t go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, \
	    hippopotamuses; \
	(2) Don\'t put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the \
	    front of your clothes; \
	(3) Don\'t pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs \
	    you have just kicked. \
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist\'s Almanac" \
',' \
spagmumps, n.: \
	Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
Speer\'s 1st Law of Proofreading: \
	The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the \
	number of times you have looked at it. \
',' \
Spence\'s Admonition: \
	Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. \
',' \
Spirtle, n.: \
	The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. \
		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" \
',' \
Spouse, n.: \
	Someone who\'ll stand by you through all the trouble you \
	wouldn\'t have had if you\'d stayed single. \
',' \
squatcho, n.: \
	The button at the top of a baseball cap. \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
standards, n.: \
	The principles we use to reject other people\'s code. \
',' \
statistics, n.: \
	A system for expressing your political prejudices in convincing \
	scientific guise. \
',' \
Steckel\'s Rule to Success: \
	Good enough is never good enough. \
',' \
Steele\'s Law: \
	There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than ten men \
	or fewer than one hundred. \
',' \
Steele\'s Plagiarism of Somebody\'s Philosophy: \
	Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I\'ll have \
	another drink. \
',' \
Steinbach\'s Guideline for Systems Programming: \
	Never test for an error condition you don\'t know how to handle. \
',' \
Stenderup\'s Law: \
	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. \
',' \
Stock\'s Observation: \
	You no sooner get your head above water but what someone pulls \
	your flippers off. \
',' \
Stone\'s Law: \
	One man\'s "simple" is another man\'s "huh?" \
',' \
strategy, n.: \
	A comprehensive plan of inaction. \
',' \
Strategy: \
	A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime \
	after those creating it have left the organization. \
',' \
Stult\'s Report: \
	Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is \
	fight the solutions. \
',' \
Stupid, n.: \
	Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. \
',' \
Sturgeon\'s Law: \
	90% of everything is crud. \
',' \
sugar daddy, n.: \
	A man who can afford to raise cain. \
',' \
SUN Microsystems: \
	The Network IS the Load Average. \
',' \
sunset, n.: \
	Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, \
	resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with \
	progressively reducing solar elevation. \
',' \
sushi, n.: \
	When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and \
	strapped on with electrical tape. \
',' \
Sushido, n.: \
	The way of the tuna. \
',' \
Swahili, n.: \
	The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions. \
		-- Johnny Hart \
',' \
Sweater, n.: \
	A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. \
',' \
Swipple\'s Rule of Order: \
	He who shouts the loudest has the floor. \
',' \
system-independent, adj.: \
	Works equally poorly on all systems. \
',' \
T-shirt of the Day: \
	Head for the Mountains \
		-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer \
 \
Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background): \
	If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch! \
		-- courtesy someone else \
',' \
T-shirt Of The Day: \
	I\'m the person your mother warned you about. \
',' \
T-shirt: \
	Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum! \
',' \
Tact, n.: \
	The unsaid part of what you\'re thinking. \
',' \
take forceful action: \
	Do something that should have been done a long time ago. \
',' \
tax office, n.: \
	Den of inequity. \
',' \
Taxes, n.: \
	Of life\'s two certainties, the only one for which you can get \
	an extension. \
',' \
taxidermist, n.: \
	A man who mounts animals. \
',' \
TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: \
 \
Gong, n: Medieval term for privy, or what pased for them in that era. \
Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think \
of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. \
 \
"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs." \
		-- Dave Mills \
',' \
teamwork, n.: \
	Having someone to blame. \
',' \
Technicality, n.: \
	In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having \
	accused a neighbor of murder.  His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt \
	hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one \
	side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other side upon the \
	other shoulder."  The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the \
	court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, \
	for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an \
	inference. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Telephone, n.: \
	An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages \
	of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
telepression, n.: \
	The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try \
	hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the \
	burden on the directory assistant. \
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends \
',' \
Teutonic: \
	Not enough gin. \
',' \
The 357.73 Theory: \
	Auditors always reject expense accounts \
	with a bottom line divisible by 5. \
',' \
The Abrams\' Principle: \
	The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. \
',' \
The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: \
	I don\'t mind... and you don\'t matter. \
		-- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana \
',' \
The Beatles: \
	Paul McCartney\'s old back-up band. \
',' \
The Briggs-Chase Law of Program Development: \
	To determine how long it will take to write and debug a \
	program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add \
	one, and convert to the next higher units. \
',' \
The Consultant\'s Curse: \
	When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him \
	what he asks for, instead of what he needs.  This is very strong \
	medicine, and is normally only required once. \
',' \
The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the \
following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: \
 \
	"I\'m Jewish.  Count Basie\'s Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish. \
Eddie Cantor\'s goyish.  The B\'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is \
Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. \
 \
	"Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake\'s Cakes are goyish. \
Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. \
Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda\'s very Jewish. \
Macaroons are ____very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is \
goyish.  Lime soda is ____very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that \
Jews won\'t go near them ..." \
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy\'s Guide to Yiddish" \
',' \
The Fifth Rule: \
	You have taken yourself too seriously. \
',' \
The First Rule of Program Optimization: \
	Don\'t do it. \
 \
The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): \
	Don\'t do it yet. \
		-- Michael Jackson \
',' \
The five rules of Socialism: \
	(1) Don\'t think. \
	(2) If you do think, don\'t speak. \
	(3) If you think and speak, don\'t write. \
	(4) If you think, speak and write, don\'t sign. \
	(5) If you think, speak, write and sign, don\'t be surprised. \
		-- being told in Poland, 1987 \
',' \
The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws: \
	(1) You can\'t push on a string. \
	(2) Ain\'t no free lunches. \
	(3) Them as has, gets. \
	(4) You can\'t win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all. \
',' \
The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: \
	He who has the gold makes the rules. \
',' \
The Gordian Maxim: \
	If a string has one end, it has another. \
',' \
The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: \
	The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, \
	his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. \
	Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of \
	time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp \
	Hedgehog Eater. \
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist\'s Almanac" \
',' \
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: \
	You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. \
',' \
The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases \
are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy.  Thus: \
 \
Retribution: \
	I\'m going to kill you because you killed my brother. \
Anticipation: \
	I\'m going to kill you because I killed your brother. \
Diplomacy: \
	I\'m going to kill my brother and then kill you on the \
	pretext that your brother did it. \
',' \
The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: \
	A program is a lot like a nose: Sometimes it runs, and \
	sometimes it blows. \
',' \
The Kennedy Constant: \
	Don\'t get mad -- get even. \
',' \
The Law of the Letter: \
	The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. \
',' \
The Marines: \
	The few, the proud, the dead on the beach. \
',' \
The Marines: \
	The few, the proud, the not very bright. \
',' \
The Modelski Chain Rule: \
(1)	Look intently at the problem for several minutes.  Scratch your \
	head at 20-30 second intervals.  Try solving the problem on your \
	Hewlett-Packard. \
(2)	Failing this, look around at the class.  Select a particularly \
	bright-looking individual. \
(3)	Procure a large chain. \
(4)	Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely \
	with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem. \
	Generally, he will.  It may also be a good idea to give him a sound \
	thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. \
',' \
The most dangerous organization in America today is: \
	(a) The KKK \
	(b) The American Nazi Party \
	(c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club \
',' \
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: \
	Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, \
	Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate \
	Planning." \
',' \
The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: \
	Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless \
	you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you \
	is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the \
	unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome. \
',' \
The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: \
	Use a sunlamp only on weekends.  That way, if the office wise guy \
	remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate \
	some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La \
	like Caneel Bay.  Nothing is more transparent than leaving the \
	office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun \
	god at 8:15 the next morning. \
',' \
The Phone Booth Rule: \
	A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. \
',' \
The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz\'s: \
	"My brain is paged out to my liver." \
',' \
The real man\'s Bloody Mary: \
	Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire  \
	sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. \
 \
	Fill a large tumbler with vodka. \
	Throw all the other ingredients away. \
',' \
The Roman Rule: \
	The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the \
	one who is doing it. \
',' \
The rules: \
	 (1) Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. \
	 (2) Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while \
	      sitting at the console keyboard. \
	 (3) Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly \
	     little card decks together. \
	 (4) Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system, \
	     especially if you\'re already married. \
	 (5) Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk \
	     pack as a stool to reach another disk pack. \
	 (6) Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one \
	     eight hour shift. \
	 (7) Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their \
	     files/backup just to see the look on their little faces. \
	 (8) Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job. \
	 (9) Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room. \
	(10) Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens". \
',' \
The Second Law of Thermodynamics: \
	If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! \
		-- Jim Warner \
',' \
The Seventh Commandments for Technicians: \
	Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow \
	workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other \
	ways. \
',' \
The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: \
	The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a \
	direction you did not want.   (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long way.) \
		-- Dan Roddick \
',' \
The Third Law of Photography: \
	If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined \
	when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of \
	the dark leaks out. \
',' \
The three biggest software lies: \
	(1) *Of course* we\'ll give you a copy of the source. \
	(2) *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from \
	    will fix the microcode. \
	(3) Beta test site?  No, *of course* you\'re not a beta test site. \
',' \
The three laws of thermodynamics: \
	(1) You can\'t get anything without working for it. \
	(2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. \
	(3) You can only break even at absolute zero. \
',' \
Theorem: a cat has nine tails. \
Proof: \
	No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. \
	Therefore, a cat has nine tails. \
',' \
Theorem: All positive integers are equal. \
Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. \
	Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B \
	(positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. \
 \
Proceed by induction: \
	If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. \
	So A = B. \
 \
Assume that the theorem is true for some value k.  Take A and B with \
	MAX(A, B) = k+1.  Then  MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k.  And hence \
	(A-1) = (B-1).  Consequently, A = B. \
',' \
Theory of Selective Supervision: \
	The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is \
	the one time the boss walks through the office. \
',' \
theory, n.: \
	System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to \
	originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good \
	it will look in print. \
',' \
There are three ways to get something done: \
	(1) Do it yourself. \
	(2) Hire someone to do it for you. \
	(3) Forbid your kids to do it. \
',' \
Those lovable Brits department: \
	They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin\'. \
',' \
Three rules for sounding like an expert: \
	(1) Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. \
	(2) Always point out second-order effects, but never point out \
	    when they can be ignored. \
	(3) Come up with three rules of your own. \
',' \
Thyme\'s Law: \
	Everything goes wrong at once. \
',' \
timesharing, n: \
	An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. \
',' \
Tip of the Day: \
	Never fry bacon in the nude. \
 \
	[Correction: always fry bacon in the nude; you\'ll learn not to burn it] \
',' \
TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: \
	Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. \
	There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. \
	Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than \
		they would ordinarily. \
	There is no music in space. \
	People will pay to watch people make sounds. \
	Everything on stage should be larger than in real life. \
',' \
today, n.: \
	A nice place to visit, but you can\'t stay here for long. \
',' \
toilet toup\'ee, n.: \
	Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus \
	creating endless annoyance to male users. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
Toni\'s Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: \
	If you have to lie to someone, it\'s their fault. \
',' \
transfer, n.: \
	A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. \
',' \
transparent, adj.: \
	Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. \
	"It\'s there, but you can\'t see it" \
		-- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. \
 \
virtual, adj.: \
	Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. \
	"I can see it, but it\'s not there." \
		-- Lady Macbeth. \
',' \
travel, n.: \
	Something that makes you feel like you\'re getting somewhere. \
',' \
"Trust me": \
	Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor." \
',' \
Truthful, adj.: \
	Dumb and illiterate. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Tsort\'s Constant: \
	1.67563, or precisely 1,237.98712567 times the difference between \
the distance to the sun and the weight of a small orange. \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" (slightly modified) \
',' \
Turnaucka\'s Law: \
	The attention span of a computer is only as long as its \
	electrical cord. \
',' \
Tussman\'s Law: \
	Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. \
',' \
U.S. of A.: \
	"Don\'t speak to the bus driver." \
Germany: \
	"It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver." \
England: \
	"You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver." \
Scotland: \
	"What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?" \
Italy: \
	"Don\'t answer the driver." \
',' \
Udall\'s Fourth Law: \
	Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences you \
	don\'t like. \
',' \
Uncle Ed\'s Rule of Thumb: \
	Never use your thumb for a rule. \
	You\'ll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. \
',' \
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: \
	Superiority is recessive. \
',' \
understand, v.: \
	To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which \
	you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the \
	basis of your own internal model instead. \
',' \
Unfair animal names: \
 \
-- tsetse fly			-- bullhead \
-- booby			-- duck-billed platypus \
-- sapsucker			-- Clarence \
		-- Gary Larson \
',' \
unfair competition, n.: \
	Selling cheaper than we do. \
',' \
union, n.: \
	A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. \
',' \
Universe, n.: \
	The problem. \
',' \
University, n.: \
	Like a software house, except the software\'s free, and it\'s usable, \
	and it works, and if it breaks they\'ll quickly tell you how to fix \
	it, and ... \
 \
	[Okay, okay, I\'ll leave it in, but I think you\'re destroying \
	 the credibility of the entire fortune program.  Ed.] \
',' \
Unnamed Law: \
	If it happens, it must be possible. \
',' \
untold wealth, n.: \
	What you left out on April 15th. \
',' \
User n.: \
	A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. \
',' \
user, n.: \
	The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." \
		-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" \
 \
[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used \
 when they meant "idiot."  Ed.] \
',' \
vacation, n.: \
	A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that \
	it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday \
	life-style to recuperate. \
',' \
Vail\'s Second Axiom: \
	The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the \
	amount of work already completed. \
',' \
Van Roy\'s Law: \
	An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. \
',' \
Van Roy\'s Law: \
	Honesty is the best policy - there\'s less competition. \
 \
Van Roy\'s Truism: \
	Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control. \
',' \
Vanilla, adj.: \
	Ordinary flavor, standard.  See FLAVOR.  When used of food, \
	very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla \
	extract!  For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply \
	"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot \
	and sour won ton soup. \
',' \
Velilind\'s Laws of Experimentation: \
	(1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. \
	(2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. \
',' \
Viking, n.: \
	1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers, \
	entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import \
	business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes. \
	2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning \
	in the 9th century. \
 \
Hagar\'s note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used \
only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront \
property. \
',' \
VMS, n.: \
	The world\'s foremost multi-user adventure game. \
',' \
volcano, n.: \
	A mountain with hiccups. \
',' \
Volley Theory: \
	It is better to have lobbed and lost than never to have lobbed at all. \
',' \
vuja de: \
	The feeling that you\'ve *never*, *ever* been in this situation before. \
',' \
Walters\' Rule: \
	All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from \
	the center of the terminal.  Nobody ever had a reservation \
	on a plane that left Gate 1. \
',' \
Watson\'s Law: \
	The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the \
	number and significance of any persons watching it. \
',' \
"We\'ll look into it": \
	By the time the wheels make a full turn, we \
	assume you will have forgotten about it, too. \
',' \
we: \
	The single most important word in the world. \
',' \
weapon, n.: \
	An index of the lack of development of a culture. \
',' \
Wedding, n: \
	A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes \
	to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become supportable. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Weed\'s Axiom: \
	Never ask two questions in a business letter. \
	The reply will discuss the one in which you are \
	least interested and say nothing about the other. \
',' \
Weiler\'s Law: \
	Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn\'t have to do it himself. \
',' \
Weinberg\'s First Law: \
	Progress is only made on alternate Fridays. \
',' \
Weinberg\'s Principle: \
	An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while \
	sweeping on to the grand fallacy. \
',' \
Weinberg\'s Second Law: \
	If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, \
	then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. \
',' \
Weiner\'s Law of Libraries: \
	There are no answers, only cross references. \
',' \
well-adjusted, adj.: \
	The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games. \
',' \
Westheimer\'s Discovery: \
	A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a \
	couple of hours in the library. \
',' \
When asked the definition of "pi": \
The Mathematician: \
	Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the \
	circumference of a circle and its diameter. \
The Physicist: \
	Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005. \
The Engineer: \
	Pi is about 3. \
',' \
Whistler\'s Law: \
	You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. \
',' \
White\'s Statement: \
	Don\'t lose heart! \
 \
Owen\'s Commentary on White\'s Statement: \
	...they might want to cut it out... \
 \
Byrd\'s Addition to Owen\'s Commentary: \
	...and they want to avoid a lengthy search. \
',' \
Whitehead\'s Law: \
	The obvious answer is always overlooked. \
',' \
Wiker\'s Law: \
	Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. \
',' \
Wilcox\'s Law: \
	A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. \
',' \
		William Safire\'s Rules for Writers: \
 \
Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never be \
used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to agree with \
their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words out.  If you reread \
your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be \
avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must not shift your point of \
view.  And don\'t start a sentence with a conjunction.  (Remember, too, a \
preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don\'t overuse \
exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long \
sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, \
dangling participles must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of \
a sentence, a linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing \
metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should be \
careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. \
Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows the verb.  Last \
but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. \
',' \
Williams and Holland\'s Law: \
	If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical \
	methods. \
',' \
Wilner\'s Observation: \
	All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. \
',' \
Wit, n.: \
	The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery \
	... by leaving it out. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
wok, n.: \
	Something to thwow at a wabbit. \
',' \
wolf, n.: \
	A man who knows all the ankles. \
',' \
Wombat\'s Laws of Computer Selection: \
	(1) If it doesn\'t run Unix, forget it. \
	(2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. \
	(3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) \
	(4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a \
	    VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. \
	(5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. \
		-- Rich Kulawiec \
',' \
Woodward\'s Law: \
	A theory is better than its explanation. \
',' \
Woolsey-Swanson Rule: \
	People would rather live with a problem they cannot \
	solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand. \
',' \
Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): \
	We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish to discourage any \
thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not \
consider having anything removed.  We hired you as you are, and to have \
anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. \
',' \
work, n.: \
	The blessed respite from screaming kids and \
	soap operas for which you actually get paid. \
',' \
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: \
	August.  The lift lines are the shortest, though. \
		-- Steve Rubenstein \
',' \
Worst Month of the Year: \
	February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if \
	you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you \
	don\'t get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. \
		-- Steve Rubenstein \
',' \
Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: \
	From a readers\' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved \
	in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs \
	damage my videotapes?" \
',' \
Worst Vegetable of the Year: \
	The brussels sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next year. \
		-- Steve Rubenstein \
',' \
write-protect tab, n.: \
	A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left \
	by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error message \
	once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary \
	inconvenience. \
		-- Robb Russon \
',' \
WYSIWYG: \
	What You See Is What You Get. \
',' \
XIIdigitation, n.: \
	The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made \
	by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
Year, n.: \
	A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Yinkel, n.: \
	A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one \
	will notice. \
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" \
',' \
yo-yo, n.: \
	Something that is occasionally up but normally down. \
	(see also Computer). \
',' \
Zall\'s Laws: \
	(1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do \
	   will be wrong. \
	(2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom \
	   door you\'re on. \
',' \
zeal, n.: \
	Quality seen in new graduates -- if you\'re quick. \
',' \
Zero Defects, n.: \
	The result of shutting down a production line. \
',' \
Zymurgy\'s Law of Volunteer Labor: \
	People are always available for work in the past tense. \
',' \
1/2 oz. gin \
1/2 oz. vodka \
1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) \
3/4 oz. tequilla \
1/2 oz. triple sec \
1/2 oz. orange juice \
3/4 oz. sour mix \
1/2 oz. cola \
shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. \
		Long Island Iced Tea \
',' \
6 oz. orange juice \
1 oz. vodka \
1/2 oz. Galliano \
		Harvey Wallbangers \
',' \
A beer delayed is a beer denied. \
',' \
A couple more shots of whiskey, women \'round here start looking good. \
 \
		[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.] \
',' \
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it \
into a urinal.  Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar \
and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so \
curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing. \
 \
Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman." \
',' \
A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn\'t care to drink with \
-- even if he drank. \
		-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. \
',' \
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. The surest \
poison is time. \
		-- Emerson, "Society and Solitude" \
',' \
Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else\'s name. \
',' \
Always store beer in a dark place. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
An alcoholic is someone you don\'t like who drinks as much as you do. \
		-- Dylan Thomas \
',' \
And you can\'t get any Watney\'s Red Barrel, \
because the bars close every time you\'re thirsty... \
',' \
... at least I thought I was dancing, \'til somebody stepped on my hand. \
		-- J. B. White \
',' \
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. \
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" \
',' \
Because the wine remembers. \
',' \
Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. \
',' \
Beer -- it\'s not just for breakfast anymore. \
',' \
Beggar to well-dressed businessman: \
	"Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?" \
',' \
Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer\'s Union in 1969 \
judged Coors and Miller\'s High Life to be among the very best. Those who \
doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American \
history. For example, New England\'s first colonists decided to drop anchor \
at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of \
them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our \
victuals being spent and especially our beer." \
	-- Felton & Fowler\'s Best, Worst & Most Unusual \
',' \
Booze is the answer.  I don\'t remember the question. \
',' \
Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. \
		-- Charles Lamb \
',' \
But, officer, he\'s not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! \
',' \
Cerebus:	I\'d love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. \
Jaka:		Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something \
Cerebus:	If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it? \
Jaka:		Ugh! \
Cerebus:	You don\'t like apricot brandy? \
		-- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" \
',' \
Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero \
... must drink brandy. \
		-- Samuel Johnson \
',' \
Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. \
	"Wait a minute.  Aren\'t you a string?" \
	"Well, yes, I am." \
	"Sorry.  We don\'t serve strings here." \
	The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by.  "Excuse, \
me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?"  The \
passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar.  "May I have a beer, \
please?" it asked the bartender. \
	The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. \
"Hey, aren\'t you the string I just threw out of here?" \
	"No, I\'m a frayed knot." \
',' \
Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? \
Norm:  No, I know what they look like.  Just pour me one. \
		-- Cheers, No Help Wanted \
 \
Coach: How about a beer, Norm? \
Norm:  Hey I\'m high on life, Coach.  Of course, beer is my life. \
		-- Cheers, No Help Wanted \
 \
Coach: How\'s a beer sound, Norm? \
Norm:  I dunno.  I usually finish them before they get a word in. \
		-- Cheers, Fortune and Men\'s Weights \
',' \
Coach: How\'s it going, Norm? \
Norm:  Daddy\'s rich and Momma\'s good lookin\'. \
		-- Cheers, Truce or Consequences \
 \
Sam:   What\'s up, Norm? \
Norm:  My nipples.  It\'s freezing out there. \
		-- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action \
 \
Coach: What\'s the story, Norm? \
Norm:  Thirsty guy walks into a bar.  You finish it. \
		-- Cheers, Endless Slumper \
',' \
Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? \
Norm:  Daddy wuvs you. \
		-- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail \
 \
Sam:  What\'d you like, Normie? \
Norm: A reason to live.  Gimme another beer. \
		-- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man \
 \
Sam:  What will you have, Norm? \
Norm: Well, I\'m in a gambling mood, Sammy.  I\'ll take a glass of whatever \
      comes out of that tap. \
Sam:  Oh, looks like beer, Norm. \
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. \
		-- Cheers, The Executive\'s Executioner \
',' \
Coach: What\'s up, Norm? \
Norm:  Corners of my mouth, Coach. \
		-- Cheers, Fortune and Men\'s Weights \
 \
Coach:  What\'s shaking, Norm? \
Norm:   All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. \
		-- Cheers, Snow Job \
 \
Coach:  Beer, Normie? \
Norm:   Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.  Eh, why not, I\'m still young. \
		-- Cheers, Snow Job \
',' \
Come quickly, I am tasting stars! \
		-- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne. \
',' \
Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, \
Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we\'ll get sober. \
		-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 \
',' \
Don\'t drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. \
',' \
Don\'t smoke the next cigarette.  Repeat. \
',' \
Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. \
',' \
Drinking coffee for instant relaxation?  That\'s like drinking alcohol for \
instant motor skills. \
		-- Marc Price \
',' \
Drinking is not a spectator sport. \
		-- Jim Brosnan \
',' \
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin \
with, that it\'s compounding a felony. \
		-- Robert Benchley \
',' \
Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a \
lot a poker. \
		-- Karyl Roosevelt \
',' \
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many \
people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable \
comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don\'t know where \
the "nog" comes from. \
 \
To make eggnog, you\'ll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in \
season, eggs... \
',' \
ELECTRIC JELL-O \
 \
2   boxes JELL-O brand gelatin	2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin \
2   cups fruit (any variety)	2+ cups water \
1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol \
 \
Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water.  Stir \'til \
	fully dissolved. \
Pour hot mixture into a flat pan.  (JELL-O molds won\'t work.) \
Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water.  Remove any congealing \
	glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.) \
Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol. \
Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for \
	the faint of heart. \
Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.) \
Cut into squares and enjoy! \
 \
WARNING: \
	Keep ingredients away from open flame.  Not recommended for \
	children under eight years of age. \
',' \
Every morning is a Smirnoff morning. \
',' \
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike the office water cooler. \
',' \
	Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each \
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around \
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d\'oeuvres. \
 \
	Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes \
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your \
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright \
piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d\'oeuvres. \
 \
	Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with \
inanimate objects, singing "I can\'t get no satisfaction," gulping down \
other peoples\' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and \
placing hors d\'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when \
the little hammers strike. \
 \
	Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d\'oeuvres smeared all over \
their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning \
Christmas tree.  The piano is missing. \
 \
	You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless \
you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level \
4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. \
',' \
Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. \
		-- Jimmy Cannon \
',' \
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 \
 \
	"This bud of love, by summer\'s ripening breath, \
	May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." \
	Juliet, this bud\'s for you. \
',' \
FORTUNE\'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 \
	Christmas Rum Cake \
 \
1 or 2 quarts rum		1 tbsp. baking powder \
1 cup butter			1 tsp. soda \
1 tsp. sugar			1 tbsp. lemon juice \
2 large eggs			2 cups brown sugar \
2 cups dried assorted fruit	3 cups chopped English walnuts \
 \
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.  Good, isn\'t it?  Now \
select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.  Check the rum again.  It \
must be just right.  Be sure the rum is of the highest quality.  Pour one cup \
of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.  Repeat. With an electric \
mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 seaspoon of tugar \
and beat again.  Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. \
Sample another cup.  Open second quart as necessary.  Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups \
of fried druit and beat untill high.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the \
beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.  Sample the rum again, checking \
for toncisticity.  Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a \
seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn\'t matter). \
Sample some more.  Sift 912 pint of lemon juice.  Fold in schopped butter and \
strained chups.  Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. \
Mix mell.  Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until \
poothtick comes out crean. \
',' \
FORTUNE\'S PARTY TIPS		#14 \
 \
Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good \
liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and \
light after you\'ve opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything \
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. \
',' \
Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): \
	fifth of dry red wine \
	fifth of Aquavit \
	1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon \
	10 cardamom seeds \
	1 cup raisins \
	4 dried figs \
	1 cup blanched or flaked almonds \
	a few pieces of dried orange peel \
	5 cloves \
	1/2 lb. sugar cubes \
	Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine \
for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT \
the sugar cubes.  Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire \
strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. \
Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved.  Serve \
hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. \
	N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot.  Use it only \
if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish \
extraction. \
',' \
Halley\'s Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. \
',' \
Harry\'s bar has a new cocktail.  It\'s called MRS punch.  They make it with \
milk, rum and sugar and it\'s wonderful.  The milk is for vitality and the  \
sugar is for pep.  They put in the rum so that people will know what to do \
with all that pep and vitality. \
',' \
Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. \
',' \
Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly \
relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with \
the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar. \
	"At last," cried Sam, "man\'s best friend -- and a great big dog, too!" \
',' \
He knew the tavernes well in every toun. \
		-- Geoffrey Chaucer \
',' \
He\'s just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. \
',' \
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!" \
		-- W. C. Fields \
',' \
HOGAN\'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- \
	Take a shot every time: \
 \
-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!" \
-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink. \
-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan\'s flattery. \
-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go). \
-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots \
	if it\'s one of our heroes on the other end). \
-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front. \
-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and \
	tricks him (two shots if it\'s Colonel Klink). \
-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground. \
-- Colonel Klink relates how he\'s never had an escape from Stalag 13. \
-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he\'s bribed with food). \
-- The prisoners listen to the Germans\' conversation by a hidden transmitter. \
-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape. \
-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell". \
-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it\'s not explosive). \
-- Lebeau wears his apron. \
-- Hogan says "We\'ve got no choice" when someone claims that the plan is \
	impossible. \
-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel. \
',' \
I can\'t die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. \
		-- Phil Harris \
',' \
I distrust a man who says when.  If he\'s got to be careful not to drink \
too much, it\'s because he\'s not to be trusted when he does. \
		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" \
',' \
I don\'t drink, I don\'t like it, it makes me feel too good. \
		-- K. Coates \
',' \
I drink to make other people interesting. \
		-- George Jean Nathan \
',' \
I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex.  It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 \
minutes of my life! \
',' \
I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.  I do believe that is a record. \
		-- Dylan Thomas, his last words \
',' \
I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. \
		-- Richard Burton \
',' \
I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. \
I haven\'t had time for tobacco since. \
		-- Arturo Toscanini \
',' \
I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position. \
',' \
I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. \
		-- Alexander Woolcott \
',' \
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was all \
saloonkeepers were Democrats. \
',' \
I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. \
',' \
I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That\'s such a sad \
thought. I think I\'ll have a few more drinks to prepare myself. \
',' \
I used to have a drinking problem.  Now I love the stuff. \
',' \
I will not drink! \
But if I do... \
I will not get drunk! \
But if I do... \
I will not in public! \
But if I do... \
I will not fall down! \
But if I do... \
I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge. \
',' \
I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks. \
',' \
I\'d like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he\'s working on now. \
',' \
I\'d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. \
		-- Fred Allen \
 \
[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson.  Ed.] \
',' \
I\'m not under the alkafluence of inkahol \
that some thinkle peep I am. \
It\'s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. \
',' \
I\'ve always felt sorry for people that don\'t drink -- remember, \
when they wake up, that\'s as good as they\'re gonna feel all day! \
',' \
I\'ve always made it a solemn practice to never drink anything stronger \
than tequila before breakfast. \
		-- R. Nesson \
',' \
I\'ve never been drunk, but often I\'ve been overserved. \
		-- George Gobel \
',' \
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. \
',' \
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. \
',' \
If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, I would send a barrel or \
so to my other generals. \
		-- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant \
',' \
If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they\'d be better off. \
		-- Edward E. Hippensteel \
 \
[What brand of ink?  Ed.] \
',' \
If you don\'t drink it, someone else will. \
',' \
If you drink, don\'t park.  Accidents make people. \
',' \
In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin \
in a very familiar pose -- arms raised above him, leading the country to \
revolution.  But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from \
behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka \
shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops. \
 \
It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the \
ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go. \
',' \
In a bottle, the neck is always at the top. \
',' \
In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is \
placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker. \
',' \
In a whiskey it\'s age, in a cigarette it\'s taste and in a sports car \
it\'s impossible. \
',' \
In vino veritas. \
	[In wine there is truth.] \
		-- Pliny \
',' \
It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends \
and getting people under the influence. \
		-- Jeremy Tunstall \
',' \
It\'s a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back and party! \
		-- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space" \
',' \
It\'s gonna be alright, \
It\'s almost midnight, \
And I\'ve got two more bottles of wine. \
',' \
It\'s the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... boy gets \
another beer. \
		-- Cheers \
',' \
It\'s useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they\'re \
madly in love, drunk, or running for office. \
',' \
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans. \
',' \
Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference. \
',' \
Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. \
',' \
Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what \
disguise she would recommend for him.  She replied, "Why don\'t you come \
sober, Mr. Prime Minister?" \
',' \
Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way \
they can. I\'m sick of the job.  It\'s a thankless one and full of grief. \
		-- Al Capone \
',' \
Life, like beer, is merely borrowed. \
		-- Don Reed \
',' \
Look at it this way: Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought \
home "Cuddles", so you\'re going out to buy a canned ham.  And you\'re still \
drinking ordinary scotch? \
',' \
Look at it this way: Your wife\'s spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to \
forget $26,000 of college education. And you\'re still drinking ordinary scotch? \
',' \
Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass, \
and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged \
Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend \
grasshopper.  Did you know they\'ve named a drink after you?" \
	"Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased.  "They\'ve \
named a drink Fred?" \
',' \
"Mind if I smoke?" \
	"I don\'t care if you burst into flames and die!" \
',' \
"Mind if I smoke?" \
	"Yes, I\'d like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" \
',' \
My mother drinks to forget she drinks. \
		-- Crazy Jimmy \
',' \
My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. \
		-- George Gobel \
',' \
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. \
',' \
Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. \
',' \
No, I don\'t have a drinking problem. \
 \
I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. \
 \
No problem! \
',' \
[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] \
 \
Coach:  Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? \
Norm:   With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe. \
		-- Cheers, Norman\'s Conquest \
 \
Coach:  What\'s up, Normie? \
Norm:   The temperature under my collar, Coach. \
		-- Cheers, I\'ll Be Seeing You (Part 2) \
 \
Coach:  What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? \
Norm:   Going down? \
		-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom \
',' \
[Norm goes into the bar at Vic\'s Bowl-A-Rama.] \
 \
Off-screen crowd:  Norm! \
Sam:   How the hell do they know him here? \
Cliff: He\'s got a life, you know. \
		-- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity \
 \
Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:  Elope with my wife. \
		-- Cheers, The Triangle \
 \
Woody: How\'s life, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:  Oh, I\'m waiting for the movie. \
		-- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please? \
',' \
[Norm is angry.] \
 \
Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:  Clifford Clavin\'s head. \
		-- Cheers, The Triangle \
 \
Sam:  Hey, what\'s happening, Norm? \
Norm: Well, it\'s a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, \
      and I\'m wearing Milk-Bone underwear. \
		-- Cheers, The Peterson Principle \
 \
Sam:  How\'s life in the fast lane, Normie? \
Norm: Beats me, I can\'t find the on-ramp. \
		-- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day \
',' \
[Norm returns from the hospital.] \
 \
Coach:  What\'s up, Norm? \
Norm:   Everything that\'s supposed to be. \
		-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom \
 \
Sam:  What\'s new, Normie? \
Norm: Terrorists, Sam.  They\'ve taken over my stomach.  They\'re demanding beer. \
		-- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter \
 \
Coach: What\'ll it be, Normie? \
Norm:  Just the usual, Coach.  I\'ll have a froth of beer and a snorkel. \
		-- Cheers, King of the Hill \
',' \
[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] \
Norm:  Afternoon, everybody! \
All:   Anton! \
		-- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm \
 \
Woody: What\'s going on, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:  A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.\'\' \
		-- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible \
 \
Sam:  What can I get you, Norm? \
Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder?  Ah, just kidding. \
      Gimme a beer; I think I\'ll just drown the little suckers. \
		-- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd \
',' \
Norm:  Gentlemen, start your taps. \
		-- Cheers, The Coach\'s Daughter \
 \
Coach: How\'s life treating you, Norm? \
Norm:  Like it caught me in bed with his wife. \
		-- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane\'s \
 \
Coach: How\'s life, Norm? \
Norm:  Not for the squeamish, Coach. \
		-- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants \
',' \
Norm:  Hey, everybody. \
All:   [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.] \
Norm:  [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.] \
       Norm!   (Norman.) \
       How are you feeling today, Norm? \
       Rich and thirsty.  Pour me a beer. \
		-- Cheers, Tan \'n Wash \
 \
Woody: What\'s the latest, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:  Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. \
       Film at eleven. \
		-- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar \
 \
Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:  Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I\'d like to be better. \
		-- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone \
',' \
Not all men who drink are poets.  Some of us drink because we aren\'t poets. \
',' \
Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won\'t make you live longer -- \
it just seems that way. \
',' \
NOTICE: \
	Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will \
	be summarily put out. \
',' \
Now is the time for drinking; now the time to beat the earth with \
unfettered foot. \
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) \
',' \
Of course power tools and alcohol don\'t mix.  Everyone knows power \
tools aren\'t soluble in alcohol... \
		-- Crazy Nigel \
',' \
Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. \
',' \
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were \
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. \
		-- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" \
',' \
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet \
when well oiled. \
',' \
One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick \
Malone was in Mulcahey\'s Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car \
conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company.  While they were discussing the \
merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent.  Malone turns around to see \
his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar. \
	Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her \
full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has \
been havin\' all these years." \
	Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary \
Malone.  He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye.  The bar is \
totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the \
drink.  She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and \
passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact \
with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty. \
	Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her \
head.  Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these \
years you\'ve been thinkin\' I\'ve been enjoying meself." \
',' \
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups -- \
alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. \
		-- Alex Levine \
',' \
PLEASE DON\'T SMOKE HERE! \
 \
Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, \
	 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment. \
',' \
Police:	Good evening, are you the host? \
Host:	No. \
Police:	We\'ve been getting complaints about this party. \
Host:	About the drugs? \
Police:	No. \
Host:	About the guns, then?  Is somebody complaining about the guns? \
Police:	No, the noise. \
Host:	Oh, the noise.  Well that makes sense because there are no guns \
	or drugs here.  (An enormous explosion is heard in the \
	background.)  Or fireworks.  Who\'s complaining about the noise? \
	The neighbors? \
Police:	No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago.  Most of the recent \
	complaints have come from Pittsburgh.  Do you think you could \
	ask the host to quiet things down? \
Host:	No Problem.  (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive \
	religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living \
	room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the \
	lawn, where it smashes into a tree.  Eight guests tumble out \
	onto the grass, moaning.)  See?  Things are starting to wind \
	down. \
',' \
Preserve Wildlife!  Throw a party today! \
',' \
Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: \
	(1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol\' Janx Spirit \
	(2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of \
		Santraginus V  (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) \
	(3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the \
		mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) \
	(4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. \
	(5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of \
		Qualactin Hypermint extract. \
	(6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger.  Watch it dissolve. \
	(7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. \
	(8) Add an olive. \
	(9) Drink... but... very carefully... \
',' \
Riffle West Virginia is so small that the Boy Scout had to double as the \
town drunk. \
',' \
Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to \
become necessary. \
		-- Edgar Friedenberg \
',' \
Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I got \
started one night when George came home and found one burning in the ashtray." \
',' \
Sam:   What do you know there, Norm? \
Norm:  How to sit.  How to drink.  Want to quiz me? \
		-- Cheers, Loverboyd \
 \
Sam:   Hey, how\'s life treating you there, Norm? \
Norm:  Beats me. ...  Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. \
		-- Cheers, Loverboyd \
 \
Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:  Pretty nervous if I was in the room. \
		-- Cheers, Loverboyd \
',' \
Sam:   What\'s the good word, Norm? \
Norm:  Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. \
Sam:   Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... \
Norm:  Yeah, yeah, yeah... \
Sam:   One heartburn cocktail coming up. \
		-- Cheers, I\'ll Gladly Pay You Tuesday \
 \
Sam:   Whaddya say, Norm? \
Norm:  Well, I never met a beer I didn\'t drink.  And down it goes. \
		-- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor \
 \
Woody:  What\'s your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:   Boxer shorts and loose shoes.  But I\'ll settle for a beer. \
		-- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie \
',' \
Sam:  What do you say, Norm? \
Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that\'ll get me a beer. \
		-- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice \
 \
Sam:  What do you say to a beer, Normie? \
Norm: Hiya, sailor.  New in town? \
		-- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up \
 \
Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. \
All:  Norm!  (Norman.) \
Sam:  Still pouring, Norm? \
Norm: That\'s funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. \
		-- Cheers, Diane\'s Nightmare \
',' \
Sam:  What\'s going on, Normie? \
Norm: My birthday, Sammy.  Give me a beer, stick a candle in \
      it, and I\'ll blow out my liver. \
		-- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone \
 \
Woody: Hey, Mr. P.  How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? \
Norm:  Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. \
       Found him every couple of blocks. \
		-- Cheers, Head Over Hill \
',' \
Sam:  What\'s new, Norm? \
Norm: Most of my wife. \
		-- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One \
 \
Coach: Beer, Norm? \
Norm:  Naah, I\'d probably just drink it. \
		-- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone \
 \
Coach: What\'s doing, Norm? \
Norm:  Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst.  I happen \
       to be the guinea pig. \
		-- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways \
',' \
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change. \
',' \
Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. \
		-- W.C. Fields \
',' \
SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! \
	Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the \
	U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), \
	describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on \
	the environment, and anticipated opposition.  Statements must be \
	filed 30 days in advance. \
',' \
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. \
		-- Fletcher Knebel \
',' \
Smoking is, as far as I\'m concerned, the entire point of being an adult. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz \
',' \
Smoking Prohibited.  Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. \
',' \
So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as \
large as it needs to be? \
',' \
Some people have no respect for age unless it\'s bottled. \
',' \
Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I\'m the \
only ashtray. \
',' \
	Split		1/4 bottle	.187 liters \
	Half		1/2 bottle \
	Bottle		750 milliliters \
	Magnum		2 bottles	1.5 liters \
	Jeroboam	4 bottles \
	Rehoboam	6 bottles	Not available in the US \
	Methuselah	8 bottles \
	Salmanazar	12 bottles \
	Balthazar	16 bottles \
	Nebuchadnezzar	20 bottles	15 liters \
	Sovereign	34 bottles	26 liters \
 \
	The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the \
largest cruise ship in the world.  The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars \
to produce and they only made 8 of them. \
	Most of the funny names come from Biblical people. \
',' \
Symptom:		Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is \
			unusually pale and clear. \
Problem:		Glass empty. \
Action Required:	Find someone who will buy you another beer. \
 \
Symptom:		Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, \
			and the front of your shirt is wet. \
Fault:			Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to \
			wrong part of face. \
Action Required:	Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. \
			Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. \
		-- Bar Troubleshooting \
',' \
Symptom:		Everything has gone dark. \
Fault:			The Bar is closing. \
Action Required:	Panic. \
 \
Symptom:		You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. \
			You cannot see the bathroom light. \
Fault:			You have spent the night in the gutter. \
Action Required:	Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.  If not, \
			treat yourself to a lie-in. \
		-- Bar Troubleshooting \
',' \
Symptom:		Feet cold and wet, glass empty. \
Fault:			Glass being held at incorrect angle. \
Action Required:	Turn glass other way up so that open end points \
			toward ceiling. \
 \
Symptom:		Feet warm and wet. \
Fault:			Improper bladder control. \
Action Required:	Go stand next to nearest dog.  After a while complain \
			to the owner about its lack of house training and \
			demand a beer as compensation. \
		-- Bar Troubleshooting \
',' \
Symptom:		Floor blurred. \
Fault:			You are looking through bottom of empty glass. \
Action Required:	Find someone who will buy you another beer. \
 \
Symptom:		Floor moving. \
Fault:			You are being carried out. \
Action Required:	Find out if you are taken to another bar.  If not, \
			complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. \
		-- Bar Troubleshooting \
',' \
Symptom:		Floor swaying. \
Fault:			Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey \
			game in progress. \
Action Required:	Insert broom handle down back of jacket. \
 \
Symptom:		Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts \
			and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth. \
Fault:			You have fallen forward. \
Action Required:	See above. \
 \
Symptom:		Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several \
			flourescent light strips. \
Fault:			You have fallen over backward. \
Action Required:	If your glass is full and no one is standing on your \
			drinking arm, stay put.  If not, get someone to help \
			you get up, lash yourself to bar. \
		-- Bar Troubleshooting \
',' \
Take me drunk, I\'m home again! \
',' \
The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. \
		-- Maurice Baring \
',' \
The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to \
smoke is a right worth dying for. \
',' \
The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction. \
',' \
The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will \
walk carefully. \
		-- Russian Proverb \
',' \
The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. \
		-- W.C. Fields \
',' \
The father, passing through his son\'s college town late one evening on a \
business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit.  Arriving at the \
lad\'s fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door.  After several minutes \
of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, \
	"Whaddaya want?" \
	"Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. \
	"Yeah," replied the voice.  "Dump him on the front porch." \
',' \
The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to \
change your name and start a new life in different city. \
		-- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire" \
',' \
The search for the perfect martini is a fraud.  The perfect martini is \
a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings \
of civilization. \
		-- T.K. \
',' \
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer \
them a drink. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" \
',' \
The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes \
the worst cigars. \
		-- H. L. Mencken \
',' \
The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh  \
restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,  \
dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde\'s dress.  She \
sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, \
then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. \
A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned \
to the waiter and said, "We\'ll have two of whatever she was drinking." \
',' \
The water was not fit to drink.  To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. \
By diligent effort, I learned to like it. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
"The whole world is about three drinks behind." \
		-- Humphrey Bogart \
',' \
The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and \
not the dog, is man\'s best friend.  Rover is taking a beating -- and he should. \
		-- W.C. Fields \
',' \
There are more old drunkards than old doctors. \
',' \
There are only two kinds of tequila.  Good and better. \
',' \
There are two problems with a major hangover.  You feel \
like you are going to die and you\'re afraid that you won\'t. \
',' \
There be sober men a\'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men \
of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl.  But give me the rambling \
rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and \
together we\'ll face the world. \
		-- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush" \
',' \
There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. \
',' \
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when \
the boss asks for a lift home from the office. \
',' \
These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they \
used to, and half the time they aren\'t even fit to drink. \
',' \
They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! \
',' \
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. \
',' \
To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura \
bitters.  Shake. \
		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail. \
',' \
Too ripped.  Gotta go. \
',' \
Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch. \
',' \
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his  \
barstool and lay motionless on the floor. \
	"One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure \
knows when to stop." \
',' \
Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. \
		-- E.F. Benson \
',' \
We don\'t smoke and we don\'t chew, and we don\'t go with girls that do. \
		-- Walter Summers \
',' \
What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? \
		-- J.D. Farley \
',' \
When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance \
the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter knob. \
		-- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual \
',' \
When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. \
A loud general cheer went up.  After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a \
barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another \
drink!"  The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks. \
	As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back \
onto the stool.  "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto \
the bar, "*everybody* pays!" \
',' \
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year.  I \
have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with \
slightly over half that quantity of beer. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" \
',' \
When I sell liquor, it\'s called bootlegging; when my patrons serve \
it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it\'s called hospitality. \
		-- Al Capone \
',' \
When the cup is full, carry it level. \
',' \
When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer. \
',' \
	While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman \
inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don\'t mind if I smoke, do you?" \
	Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don\'t mind if \
you burn, madam." \
',' \
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? \
',' \
Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a \
fresh one for a quarter of the price? \
',' \
Woman on Street:	Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. \
Winston Churchill:	Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. \
			I shall be sober in the morning. \
',' \
Wonderful day.  Your hangover just makes it seem terrible. \
',' \
Woody:  What\'s the story, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:   The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. \
        Let\'s just cut to the happy ending. \
		-- Cheers, Airport V \
 \
Woody:  Hey, Mr. Peterson, there\'s a cold one waiting for you. \
Norm:   I know, and if she calls, I\'m not here. \
		-- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back \
 \
Sam:  Beer, Norm? \
Norm: Have I gotten that predictable?  Good. \
		-- Cheers, Don\'t Paint Your Chickens \
',' \
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? \
Norm:  Yep, now let\'s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh? \
		-- Cheers, Feeble Attraction \
 \
Sam:  What are you up to Norm? \
Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall. \
		-- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh \
 \
Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. \
Norm:  You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.\' \
		-- Cheers, Loverboyd \
',' \
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? \
Norm:  See you later, Vera, I\'ll be at Cheers. \
		-- Cheers, Norm\'s Last Hurrah \
 \
Sam:   Well, look at you.  You look like the cat that swallowed the canary. \
Norm:  And I need a beer to wash him down. \
		-- Cheers, Norm\'s Last Hurrah \
 \
Woody:  Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:   No, I\'d like a dead cat in a glass. \
		-- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2 \
',' \
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what\'s up? \
Norm:  The warranty on my liver. \
		-- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do \
 \
Sam:  What can I do for you, Norm? \
Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam. \
		-- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd \
 \
Woody: What\'s going on, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:  Another layer for the winter, Wood. \
		-- Cheers, It\'s a Wonderful Wife \
',' \
Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:  Poor. \
Woody: Oh, I\'m sorry to hear that. \
Norm:  No, I meant `pour\'. \
		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3 \
 \
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what\'s the story? \
Norm:  Boy meets beer.  Boy drinks beer.  Boy gets another beer. \
		-- Cheers, The Proposal \
 \
Paul:  Hey Norm, how\'s the world been treating you? \
Norm:  Like a baby treats a diaper. \
		-- Cheers, Tan \'n Wash \
',' \
Woody: What\'s going on, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:  Let\'s talk about what\'s going *in* Mr. Peterson.  A beer, Woody. \
		-- Cheers, Paint Your Office \
 \
Sam:  How\'s life treating you? \
Norm: It\'s not, Sammy, but that doesn\'t mean you can\'t. \
		-- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss \
 \
Woody:  Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:   A little early, isn\'t it Woody? \
Woody:  For a beer? \
Norm:   No, for stupid questions. \
		-- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie \
',' \
Woody: What\'s happening, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:  The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? \
		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1 \
 \
Woody: What\'s going down, Mr. Peterson? \
Norm:  My cheeks on this barstool. \
		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 \
 \
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer? \
Norm:  Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ... \
       Eh, make that one-thirty. \
		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 \
',' \
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. \
		-- Mike Romanoff \
',' \
You can\'t fall off the floor. \
',' \
You\'re not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings. \
',' \
You\'re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. \
		-- Dean Martin \
',' \
A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems \
best.  That\'s dangerous.  Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to \
serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the \
schools as \'standards\'?  Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to \
work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if \
not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, \
elitist.  ... It\'s just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such \
stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be \
supplemented, \'texts,\' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real \
professionals.  Those texts are called \'reading material.\'  They are the \
academic equivalent of the \'listening material\' that fills waiting-rooms, \
and the \'eating material\' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating \
resource centers along the roads. \
		-- The Underground Grammarian \
',' \
A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine. \
		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" \
',' \
A fool\'s brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and \
art into pedantry.  Hence University education. \
		-- G. B. Shaw \
',' \
A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened \
into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the \
hope of greening the landscape of idea. \
		-- John Ciardi \
',' \
A grammarian\'s life is always in tense. \
',' \
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely \
rearranging their prejudices. \
		-- William James \
',' \
A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen \
floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for \
its species, managed to trap them in a corner.  The children cowered, \
terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! \
Save us!  Save us!  We\'re scared, Mother!" \
	Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its \
children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, \
and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman \
proud.  The startled cat fled in fear for its life. \
	As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, \
you saved us!" and "Yay!  You scared the cat away!" she turned to them \
purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second \
language?" \
',' \
A Parable of Modern Research: \
 \
	Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one \
brightly lit corner. \
	"Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" \
	"I can only see here." \
',' \
A pencil with no point needs no eraser. \
',' \
	 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling \
			  by Mark Twain \
 \
	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped \
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer \
be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained \
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2 \
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the \
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with \
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. \
	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear \
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 \
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. \
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi \
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz \
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. \
	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud \
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. \
',' \
A professor is one who talks in someone else\'s sleep. \
',' \
	A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor \
recorded the following on the patient\'s chart:  "Patient failed to fulfill \
his wellness potential." \
	Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal \
of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." \
	A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- \
personnel devices."  You probably call them bombs. \
	At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian \
mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status."  That is, they were fired. \
	After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls \
of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) \
only to receive the following notice:  "We must report that during the handling \
of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an \
unusual laboratory experience."  The use of the passive is a particularly nice \
touch, don\'t you think?  Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad \
experience.  Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his  \
pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously \
sent him. \
		-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) \
',' \
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. \
',' \
A synonym is a word you use when you can\'t spell the word you first \
thought of. \
		-- Burt Bacharach \
',' \
A tautology is a thing which is tautological. \
',' \
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest \
in students. \
		-- John Ciardi \
',' \
"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly." \
	-- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin \
',' \
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. \
',' \
Abstract: \
	This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group \
of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar \
and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects.  Of the white-collar \
men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than \
their neck circumference.  The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was \
evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test.  Results of the CFF \
test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual \
performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve \
immediately when tight neckwear was removed. \
		-- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the \
		   Neck in Relation to Visual Performance."  Human Factors 29, \
		   #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. \
',' \
Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, \
because the stakes are so low. \
		-- Wallace Sayre \
',' \
Academicians care, that\'s who. \
',' \
=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE =============== \
 \
To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one \
course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is \
offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to  \
afford maximum inconvenience to the student.  For example, if you happen \
to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes.  If you commute, \
there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. \
',' \
An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. \
		-- Benjamin Franklin \
',' \
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. \
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. \
',' \
As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter \
of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. \
		-- J.F. Kennedy \
',' \
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? \
',' \
Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of \
data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover \
an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order \
and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation \
which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation \
in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct \
hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to \
construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to \
assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves \
only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity \
of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978).  In the \
analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to \
appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. \
		-- A. Benjamin \
',' \
British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive \
it.  If you can\'t there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. \
		-- Peter Ustinov \
',' \
... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.  Human \
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as \
we can tell.  If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues \
that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding \
of their world, not in their distorted perceptions.  Even the standard \
example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- \
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing \
whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a \
finite or an infinite number. \
		-- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" \
',' \
Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points. \
		-- M. M. Johnston \
',' \
Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness \
of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." \
		-- David Guaspari \
',' \
Dear Freshman, \
	You don\'t know who I am and frankly shouldn\'t care, but \
unknown to you we have something in common.  We are both rather \
prone to mistakes.  I was elected Student Government President by \
mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. \
',' \
Dear Miss Manners: \
	My home economics teacher says that one must never place one\'s \
elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between \
courses, is all right.  Which is correct? \
 \
Gentle Reader: \
	For the purpose of answering examinations in your home economics \
class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this principle of \
education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning \
correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. \
',' \
Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties. \
',' \
Did you know the University of Iowa closed down after someone stole the book? \
',' \
Do not clog intellect\'s sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. \
',' \
Do you know the difference between education and experience?  Education \
is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get \
when you don\'t. \
		-- Pete Seeger \
',' \
Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? \
',' \
Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and \
demand.  The less of either the people have, the less they want. \
		-- Charlotte Observer, 1897 \
',' \
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to \
time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. \
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist" \
',' \
Education is learning what you didn\'t even know you didn\'t know. \
		-- Daniel J. Boorstin \
',' \
Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. \
		-- Irwin Edman \
',' \
Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. \
		-- B.F. Skinner \
',' \
Educational television should be absolutely forbidden.  It can only lead \
to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters \
of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with \
royal-blue chickens. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" \
',' \
Eloquence is logic on fire. \
',' \
Encyclopedia for sale by father.  Son knows everything. \
',' \
Engineering:    "How will this work?" \
Science:        "Why will this work?" \
Management:     "When will this work?" \
Liberal Arts:   "Do you want fries with that?" \
',' \
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak \
it to? \
		-- Clarence Darrow \
',' \
Everywhere I go I\'m asked if I think the university stifles writers.  My \
opinion is that they don\'t stifle enough of them.  There\'s many a bestseller \
that could have been prevented by a good teacher. \
		-- Flannery O\'Connor \
',' \
Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for \
even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer. \
		-- C.C. Colton \
',' \
Experience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and \
the instruction afterward. \
',' \
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! \
',' \
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. \
',' \
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. \
',' \
f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. \
',' \
Fortune\'s Guide to Freshman Notetaking: \
 \
WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS:			YOU WRITE: \
 \
Probably the greatest quality of the poetry	John Milton -- born 1608 \
of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the \
combination of beauty and power.  Few have \
excelled him in the use of the English language, \
or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, \
\'Paradise Lost\' being said to be the greatest \
single poem ever written." \
 \
Current historians have come to			Most of the problems that now \
doubt the complete advantageousness		face the United States are \
of some of Roosevelt\'s policies...		directly traceable to the \
						bungling and greed of President \
						Roosevelt. \
 \
... it is possible that we simply do		Professor Mitchell is a \
not understand the Russian viewpoint...		communist. \
',' \
Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue \
ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. \
This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. \
		-- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink",  ed. D. Wynn \
',' \
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school \
make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. \
',' \
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school. \
',' \
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. \
		-- Gail Godwin \
',' \
Graduate life: It\'s not just a job.  It\'s an indenture. \
',' \
Graduate students and most professors are no smarter than undergrads. \
They\'re just older. \
',' \
He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. \
		-- Benjamin Franklin \
',' \
"He was a modest, good-humored boy.  It was Oxford that made him insufferable." \
',' \
He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion \
on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general \
education and culture. \
		-- Julia Norton McCorkle \
',' \
[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had \
a complete set. \
		-- Ring Lardner \
',' \
Higher education helps your earning capacity.  Ask any college professor. \
',' \
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. \
',' \
History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, \
cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. \
		-- Leo Tolstoy \
',' \
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? \
		-- Elliot, "E.T." \
',' \
I am a bookaholic.  If you are a decent person, you will not sell me \
another book. \
',' \
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F\' would only dignify it." \
		-- English Professor \
',' \
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone \
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. \
		-- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University \
',' \
I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the \
sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are \
loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. \
		-- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, \
		   University of Tennessee at Knoxville \
',' \
I came out of twelve years of college and I didn\'t even know how to sew. \
All I could do was account -- I couldn\'t even account for myself. \
		-- Firesign Theatre \
',' \
I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. \
',' \
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to \
make it shorter. \
		-- Blaise Pascal \
',' \
"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..." \
		-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 \
',' \
I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: \
a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows. \
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower \
',' \
I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. \
		-- Wilson Mizner \
',' \
I think your opinions are reasonable, except for the one about my mental \
instability. \
		-- Psychology Professor, Farifield University \
',' \
"I\'m returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper) \
presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." \
		-- English Professor, Providence College \
',' \
If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president \
of Harvard. \
		-- Edward Holyoke \
',' \
If he had only learnt a little less, how infinitely better he might have \
taught much more! \
',' \
If ignorance is bliss, why aren\'t there more happy people? \
',' \
If little else, the brain is an educational toy. \
		-- Tom Robbins \
',' \
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. \
		-- Pope John Paul I \
',' \
If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get \
the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.  See in \
college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural \
method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall \
learn what you have no taste or capacity for.  The college, which should \
be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the \
young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. \
I would have the studies elective.  Scholarship is to be created not \
by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge.  The wise \
instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the \
attractions the study has for himself.  The marking is a system for schools, \
not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to \
put on a professor. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? \
		-- Lily Tomlin \
',' \
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world. \
		-- Wittgenstein \
',' \
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel \
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary \
qualifications, that field\'s employment market is glutted. \
		-- Marguerite Emmons \
',' \
If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy. \
',' \
If you can\'t read this, blame a teacher. \
',' \
If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire \
deeper insights into what you believe?  The things most worth reading \
are precisely those that challenge our convictions. \
',' \
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. \
		-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard \
',' \
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to \
end, they\'d be a lot more comfortable. \
		-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" \
',' \
"If you understand what you\'re doing, you\'re not learning anything." \
		-- A. L. \
',' \
Ignorance is never out of style.  It was in fashion yesterday, it is the \
rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. \
		-- Franklin K. Dane \
',' \
Ignorance is when you don\'t know anything and somebody finds it out. \
',' \
Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn\'t be so many people \
so resolutely pursuing it.  \
',' \
Illiterate?  Write today, for free help! \
',' \
	In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, \
Junior, what are you up to?" \
	"I\'m writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the \
rabbit. \
	"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that\'s impossible!  No one \
will publish such rubbish!" \
	"Well, follow me and I\'ll show you." \
	They both go into the rabbit\'s dwelling and after a while the \
rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.  Comes along a \
wolf.  "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?" \
	"I\'m writing the 2\'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour \
wolves." \
	"Are you crazy?  Where\'s your academic honesty?" \
	"Come with me and I\'ll show you." \
	As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face \
and a diploma in his paw.  Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit\'s cave \
and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge \
lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody \
remnants of the wolf and the fox. \
 \
	The moral: It\'s not the contents of your thesis that are \
important -- it\'s your PhD advisor that really counts. \
',' \
In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he \
thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent \
teacher should know.  "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig \
said, "up to the mathematicians." \
		-- The New York Times, October 22, 1985 \
',' \
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don\'t \
they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning \
anything?  If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five \
years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. \
		-- The Best of Will Rogers \
',' \
Iowa State -- the high school after high school! \
		-- Crow T. Robot \
',' \
It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself \
that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that \
one can learn." \
		-- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman \
',' \
It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, \
or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing.  It dehumanizes those who \
achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom \
good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy \
notions.  This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all \
infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from \
folklore to Article of Belief.  It enhances their self-esteem and lightens \
their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that \
appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge, \
and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum \
competence will be quite enough. \
		-- The Underground Grammarian \
',' \
	It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and \
by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate \
the habit of thinking about what we are doing.  The precise opposite is the \
case.  Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations \
which we can perform without thinking about them.  Operations of thought are \
like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they \
require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments. \
		-- Alfred North Whitehead \
',' \
			It\'s grad exam time... \
COMPUTER SCIENCE \
	Inside your desk you\'ll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating \
system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert \
this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system.  Prove that these fixes are \
bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the \
new system.  (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) \
 \
MATHEMATICS \
	If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long \
it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the \
length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. \
 \
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE \
Describe the Universe.  Give three examples. \
',' \
			It\'s grad exam time... \
MEDICINE \
	You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a \
bottle of Scotch.  Remove your appendix.  Do not suture until your work has \
been inspected.  (You have 15 minutes.) \
 \
HISTORY \
	Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present \
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, \
economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and \
Africa.  Be brief, concise, and specific. \
 \
BIOLOGY \
	Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture \
if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with \
special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. \
',' \
It\'s is not, it isn\'t ain\'t, and it\'s it\'s, not its, if you mean it \
is.  If you don\'t, it\'s its.  Then too, it\'s hers.  It isn\'t her\'s.  It \
isn\'t our\'s either.  It\'s ours, and likewise yours and theirs. \
		-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News \
',' \
Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee. \
		-- Snoopy \
',' \
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. \
',' \
Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. \
',' \
Learning without thought is labor lost; \
thought without learning is perilous. \
		-- Confucius \
',' \
Maybe ain\'t ain\'t so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain\'t \
using ain\'t ain\'t eatin\' well. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
Most seminars have a happy ending.  Everyone\'s glad when they\'re over. \
',' \
My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose your ignorance; you cannot \
replace it." \
		-- Erich Maria Remarque \
',' \
Never have so many understood so little about so much. \
		-- James Burke \
',' \
Never let your schooling interfere with your education. \
',' \
No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon lectures which are \
really worth the attending. \
		-- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations" \
',' \
No matter who you are, some scholar can show you the great idea you had \
was had by someone before you. \
',' \
No wonder you\'re tired!  You understood so much today. \
',' \
Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other reason \
than self-protection.  We never recommend any of our graduates, although we \
cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed their courses. \
		-- Jack Vance, "Freitzke\'s Turn" \
',' \
Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper \
is from the wrong kind of tree. \
		-- Professor, EECS, George Washington University \
 \
I\'m looking forward to working with you on this next year. \
		-- Professor, Harvard, on a  senior thesis. \
',' \
		`O\' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE \
Timewarp allowed: 3 hours.  Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the \
margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells.  Orange may be worn.  Credit \
will be given to candidates who self-actualise. \
 \
	(1) Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why \
	    neither has street credibility. \
	(2) "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting \
	    on a juggernaut route."  Consider the dialectic of inner truth \
	    and inner city. \
	(3) Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked \
	    into a black hole. \
	(4) "The Egomaniac\'s Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist \
	    ripoff merchants."  Comment on this insult. \
	(5) Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan\'s lyrics. \
	(6) "Castenada was a bit of a bozo."  How far is this a fair summing \
	    up of western dualism? \
	(7) Hermann Hesse was a Pisces.  Discuss. \
',' \
"OK, now let\'s look at four dimensions on the blackboard." \
		-- Dr. Joy \
',' \
OK, so you\'re a Ph.D.  Just don\'t touch anything. \
',' \
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing \
how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. \
		-- Professor Charles P. Issawi \
',' \
Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way.  "The cost may be \
upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be \
nearly 10m#.  "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable \
news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris.  "Rarely does \
the \'Little Summer\' linger until November, but at times its stay has been \
prolonged until quite late in the year\'s penultimate month" contains a \
periphrasis for November, and another for lingers.  "The answer is in the \
negative" is a periphrasis for No.  "Was made the recipient of" is a \
periphrasis for Was presented with.  The periphrasis style is hardly possible \
on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis, \
case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack, \
nature, reference, regard, respect".  The existence of abstract nouns is a \
proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of \
civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are \
by many held to be inseparable.  These good people feel that there is an almost \
indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news \
instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory \
developments." \
		-- Fowler\'s English Usage \
',' \
"Plaese porrf raed." \
		-- Prof. Michael O\'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase \
',' \
Practice is the best of all instructors. \
		-- Publilius \
',' \
Princeton\'s taste is sweet like a strawberry tart.  Harvard\'s is a subtle \
taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco.  It may even be a bad habit, for \
all I know. \
		-- Prof. J.H. Finley \'25 \
',' \
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week\'s Chem Eng. 130 \
midterm.  Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. \
Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell\'s earned exam average \
has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. \
',' \
Reading is thinking with someone else\'s head instead of one\'s own. \
',' \
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. \
',' \
Reporter:   "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?" \
Yogi Berra: "Closed." \
',' \
Rules for Good Grammar #4. \
	 (1) Don\'t use no double negatives. \
	 (2) Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. \
	 (3) Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. \
	 (4) About them sentence fragments. \
	 (5) When dangling, watch your participles. \
	 (6) Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. \
	 (7) Just between you and i, case is important. \
	 (8) Don\'t write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. \
	 (9) Don\'t use commas, which aren\'t necessary. \
	(10) Try to not ever split infinitives. \
	(11) It is important to use your apostrophe\'s correctly. \
	(12) Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. \
	(13) Correct speling is essential. \
	(14) A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. \
	(15) While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally \
	     careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not \
	     become ensconsed in obscurity.  In other words, eschew obfuscation. \
',' \
Smartness runs in my family.  When I went to school I was so smart my \
teacher was in my class for five years. \
		-- George Burns \
',' \
Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. \
		-- Folk saying \
',' \
"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy." \
',' \
Spelling is a lossed art. \
',' \
Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar \
without his duck ... \
',' \
Teachers have class. \
',' \
The \'A\' is for content, the \'minus\' is for not typing it.  Don\'t ever do \
this to my eyes again. \
		-- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College \
',' \
The alarm clock that is louder than God\'s own belongs to the roommate with \
the earliest class. \
',' \
The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from \
one graveyard to another. \
		-- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England" \
',' \
The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned \
into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. \
		-- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work" \
',' \
	"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff \
and blow, "is to learn something.  That\'s the only thing that never fails. \
You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at \
night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, \
you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your \
honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for \
it then -- to learn.  Learn why the world wags and what wags it.  That is \
the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be \
tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.  Learning \
is the only thing for you.  Look what a lot of things there are to learn." \
		-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" \
',' \
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up \
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. \
',' \
The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his \
intellectual nakedness. \
		-- Robert M. Hutchins \
',' \
The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, with \
symposium to follow. \
',' \
The future is a race between education and catastrophe. \
		-- H.G. Wells \
',' \
The important thing is not to stop questioning. \
',' \
The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. \
		-- Menander \
',' \
The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing. \
		-- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog) \
',' \
The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. \
		-- Earl Warren \
 \
That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all \
the lessons that history has to teach. \
		-- Aldous Huxley \
 \
We learn from history that we do not learn from history. \
		-- Georg Hegel \
 \
HISTORY:  Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn \
nothing from history.  I know people who can\'t even learn from what happened \
this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long view. \
		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" \
',' \
The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. \
		-- Hegel \
 \
I know guys can\'t learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the long view. \
		-- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" \
',' \
The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have \
to sleep every few days. \
',' \
The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the \
illiterates can read. \
		-- Alberto Moravia \
',' \
The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. \
		-- Christopher Morley \
',' \
"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and \
is an emerging underachiever." \
',' \
The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.  The population is, \
of course, growing. \
',' \
The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. \
		-- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" \
',' \
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed \
ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. \
		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald \
',' \
The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August. \
',' \
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. \
',' \
The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious \
seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the \
unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more \
bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the world put together. \
		-- Sir Peter Medawar \
',' \
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books! \
',' \
The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an \
open doorway with an open mind. \
		-- E.B. White \
',' \
There are no answers, only cross-references. \
		-- Weiner \
',' \
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for \
these only gave life, those the art of living well. \
		-- Aristotle \
',' \
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. \
		-- Hector Berlioz \
',' \
To accuse others for one\'s own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. \
To accuse oneself shows that one\'s education has begun.  To accuse neither \
oneself nor others shows that one\'s education is complete. \
		-- Epictetus \
',' \
To craunch a marmoset. \
		-- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke" \
',' \
To teach is to learn twice. \
		-- Joseph Joubert \
',' \
To teach is to learn. \
',' \
Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. \
		-- Charles Schulz \
',' \
Trying to get an education here is like trying to get a drink from a fire hose. \
',' \
Universities are places of knowledge.  The freshman each bring a little \
in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. \
',' \
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. \
		-- Henry Kissinger \
',' \
Walt:	Dad, what\'s gradual school? \
Garp:	Gradual school? \
Walt:	Yeah.  Mom says her work\'s more fun now that she\'s teaching \
	gradual school. \
Garp:	Oh.  Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually \
	find out that you don\'t want to go to school anymore. \
		-- The World According To Garp \
',' \
"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!" \
		-- Vroomfondel \
',' \
We know next to nothing about virtually everything.  It is not necessary \
to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. \
Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition \
to crave knowledge. \
		-- George Will \
',' \
We\'re fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable \
things we did.  I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend \
and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. \
		-- Waldo D.R. Dobbs \
',' \
	"We\'re running out of adjectives to describe our situation.  We \
had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said \
Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. \
		-- The Washington Post, February, 1988 \
 \
The New Yorker\'s comment: \
	At Harvard they\'d call it a noun. \
',' \
What does education often do?  It makes a straight cut ditch of a \
free meandering brook. \
		-- Henry David Thoreau \
',' \
		What I Did During My Fall Semester \
On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. \
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. \
Then I hung out in front of the Dover. \
 \
On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. \
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. \
Then I hung out in front of the Dover. \
 \
On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. \
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. \
I found a thesis topic: \
	How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. \
		-- Sister Mary Elephant, "Student Statement for Black Friday" \
',' \
What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying? \
		-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" \
',' \
What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error. \
		-- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals" \
',' \
What we do not understand we do not possess. \
		-- Goethe \
',' \
What\'s page one, a preemptive strike? \
		-- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College \
',' \
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into \
the soul of the boy sitting next to me. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really." \
		-- Dave Parnas \
',' \
Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? \
		-- Karl Kraus \
',' \
"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. \
		-- George Ade \
',' \
	Wouldn\'t the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish \
and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if \
quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and \
and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and \
Chips, as well as after Chips? \
',' \
You can\'t expect a boy to be vicious till he\'s been to a good school. \
		-- H.H. Munro \
',' \
You don\'t have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. \
		-- J. D. Salinger \
',' \
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. \
		-- Alfred Kahn \
',' \
"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a plowshare, \
your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture" \
		-- Business Professor, University of Georgia \
',' \
Your education begins where what is called your education is over. \
',' \
	A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods. \
After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears, \
one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed.  They killed \
the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. \
	"What do you think?" said the the first ranger. \
	"The Czech is in the male," replied the second. \
',' \
Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went \
on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close. \
',' \
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in \
America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. \
Here in New York we really don\'t care too much.  Because we know that we could \
beat up their city anytime.  \
		-- David Letterman \
',' \
"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands." \
		-- Saint Patrick \
',' \
Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf.  Then they had \
to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. \
',' \
alta, v:	To change; make or become different; modify. \
ansa, v:	A spoken or written reply, as to a question. \
baa, n:		A place people meet to have a few drinks. \
Baaston, n:	The capital of Massachusetts. \
baaba, n:	One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards. \
beea, n:	An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often \
			found in baas. \
caaa, n:	An automobile. \
centa, n:	A point around which something revolves; axis.  (Or \
			someone involved with the Knicks.) \
chouda, n:	A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base. \
dada, n:	Information, esp. information organized for analysis or \
			computation. \
		-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary \
',' \
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until \
people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its \
name to "America". \
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist\'s Almanac" \
',' \
America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? \
		-- Allen Ginsberg \
',' \
American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. \
',' \
Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense. \
',' \
Americans\' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a \
phenomenon, not a civilization. \
		-- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus" \
',' \
An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. \
		-- A Chinese child \
',' \
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. \
		-- A.P. Herbert \
',' \
Anything anybody can say about America is true. \
		-- Emmett Grogan \
',' \
Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh \
autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union. \
		-- P.J. O\'Rourke \
',' \
Baseball is a skilled game.  It\'s America\'s game - it, and high taxes. \
	-- The Best of Will Rogers \
',' \
Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them \
seemed to come from Texas. \
		-- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" \
',' \
Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System.  You couldn\'t pry that out \
of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a \
crowbar. \
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes \
',' \
	Carol\'s head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees \
along the block of booths.  She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let\'s be wild! \
Let\'s ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" \
	Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks \
would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" \
	Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you\'d like \
to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" \
	Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no, \
I don\'t believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it." \
	Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don\'t believe we care to a \
whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it." \
	Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let\'s try \
it some other time, Carrie." \
	She gave it up. \
		-- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street" \
',' \
Climate and Surgery \
	R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who \
received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at \
the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the \
day before -- walking several blocks at a time.  To those who design to be \
riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially \
recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery. \
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861 \
',' \
David Letterman\'s "Things we can be proud of as Americans": \
 \
	* Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO \
	* Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE" \
	* Hourly motel rates \
	* Vast majority of Elvis movies made here \
	* Didn\'t just give up right away during World War II \
		like some countries we could mention \
	* Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies \
	* Our well-behaved golf professionals \
	* Fabulous babes coast to coast \
',' \
Decemba, n:	The 12th month of the year. \
erra, n:	A mistake. \
faa, n:		To, from, or at considerable distance. \
Linder, n:	A female name. \
memba, n:	To recall to the mind; think of again. \
New Hampsha, n:	A state in the northeast United States. \
New Yaak, n:	Another state in the northeast United States. \
Novemba, n:	The 11th month of the year. \
Octoba, n:	The 10th month of the year. \
ova, n:		Location above or across a specified position.  What the \
			season is when the Knicks quit playing. \
		-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary \
',' \
Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. \
',' \
Do Miami a favor.  When you leave, take someone with you. \
',' \
Do you know Montana? \
',' \
Do you know the difference between a yankee and a damyankee? \
 \
A yankee comes south to *_____visit*. \
',' \
Eli and Bessie went to sleep. \
In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli. \
	"Please be so kindly and close the window.  It\'s cold outside!" \
Half asleep, Eli murmured, \
	"Nu ... so if I\'ll close the window, will it be warm outside?" \
',' \
Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman \
were each asked to write a book on elephants.  Some amount of time later they \
had all completed their respective books.  The Englishman\'s book was entitled \
"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian\'s "The Elephant -- Vol. I", \
the American\'s "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman\'s \
"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman\'s "The Elephant and \
Irish Political History". \
',' \
For some reason a glaze passes over people\'s faces when you say \
"Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. \
		-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. \
',' \
Fortune presents: \
	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1. \
 \
^Cu vi parolas angle?			Do you speak English? \
Mi ne komprenas.			I don\'t understand. \
Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi	You\'re the only Esperanto speaker \
	renkontas.				I\'ve met. \
La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita.		The check is in the mail. \
Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi.		You can\'t miss it. \
Mi nur rigardadas.			I\'m just looking around. \
Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo.			Well, it seemed like a good idea. \
',' \
Fortune presents: \
	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2. \
 \
^Cu tiu loko estas okupita?		Is this seat taken? \
^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien?		Do you come here often? \
^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron?	May I have your phone number? \
Mi estas komputilisto.			I work with computers. \
Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio.	I read a lot of science fiction. \
^Cu necesas ke vi eliras?		Do you really have to be going? \
',' \
Fortune presents: \
	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. \
 \
Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus		I\'d horsewhip you if I had a horse. \
	^cevalon. \
Vere vi ^sercas.			You must be kidding. \
Nu, parDOOOOOnu min!			Well exCUUUUUSE me! \
Kiu invitis vin?			Who invited you? \
Kion vi diris pri mia patrino?		What did you say about my mother? \
Bu^so^stopu min per kulero.		Gag me with a spoon. \
',' \
Gay shlafen:  Yiddish for "go to sleep". \
 \
Now doesn\'t "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the \
harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference: \
	"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." \
Obvious, isn\'t it? \
	Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start \
speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as \
long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all \
your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and \
so on, but that\'s just the point.  It has to start with committed \
individuals and then grow.... \
	Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those \
signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won\'t be funny when \
everything is written in Yiddish.  And we\'ll have to start driving on \
the left side of the road so we won\'t be reading the street signs \
backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? \
I think not, my friend, I think not. \
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy\'s Guide to Yiddish" \
',' \
"Gee, Toto, I don\'t think we are in Kansas anymore." \
',' \
"God gives burdens; also shoulders" \
 \
Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the \
end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I \
can\'t find it anywhere.  I\'m sure he\'s telling the truth though; why \
would he lie about a thing like that? \
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy\'s Guide to Yiddish" \
',' \
Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! \
',' \
Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and \
cheating on your income tax. \
		-- Mike Royko \
',' \
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera?  Apparently it is so fast it can \
photograph an American with his mouth shut! \
',' \
Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? \
Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. \
',' \
Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? \
One fortunate cookie... \
',' \
	Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. \
According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing \
severe marketing anxiety in China. \
	The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending \
on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". \
	Bite the wax tadpole. \
	There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? \
	The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it\'s hard \
to get a whole column out of it. I\'d like to teach the world to bite a wax \
tadpole.  Coke -- it\'s the real wax-fattened mare.  Not bad, but broad \
satiric vistas do not open up. \
		-- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle \
',' \
"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had \
money, he went to Southern California." \
',' \
Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer \
of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that \
continues to this day. \
		-- Wayne Shannon \
',' \
Houdini escaping from New Jersey! \
 \
Film at eleven. \
',' \
How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? \
',' \
I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. \
	-- Yul Brynner, 1956 \
',' \
I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of \
pre-Adamite ancestral descent.  You will understand this when I tell you \
that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic \
globule.  Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable.  I \
can\'t help it.  I was born sneering. \
		-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado" \
',' \
I didn\'t know he was dead; I thought he was British. \
',' \
I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck. \
		-- graffito in Los Angeles \
 \
On a clear day, \
U.C.L.A. \
		-- graffito in San Francisco \
 \
There\'s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren\'t for our \
lungs there\'d be no place to put it all. \
		-- Robert Orben \
',' \
I\'m going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today.  Happens \
every six months or so.  So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I\'d share \
it with you.   \
 \
> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and \
  the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.  \
> And in LA it\'s 72. \
 \
> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity \
  is a million percent. \
> And in LA it\'s 72. \
 \
> In New York there are a million interesting people.   \
> And in LA there are 72. \
',' \
"I\'m in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?" \
		-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate \
',' \
If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot \
platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave \
that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. \
',' \
Illinois isn\'t exactly the land that God forgot -- it\'s more like the \
land He\'s trying to ignore. \
',' \
In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn\'t \
get parts. \
',' \
In America, it\'s not how much an item costs, it\'s how much you save. \
',' \
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- \
it\'s cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. \
		-- Stuart Keate \
',' \
In California they don\'t throw their garbage away -- they make it into \
television shows. \
		-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" \
',' \
In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. \
It\'s so the cheerleaders won\'t graze during the game. \
',' \
Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball.  Basketball, soybeans, hogs and \
basketball.  Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic.  Berkeley \
is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. \
		-- Carolyn Jones \
',' \
Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations \
 \
	Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: \
		Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! \
		Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet \
		behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen \
		obedicing the instructs of the vessel. \
 \
	On the door in a Belgrade hotel: \
		Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on \
		the service. Our utmost will improve it. \
 \
		-- Colin Bowles \
',' \
Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations \
 \
	Sign on a cathedral in Spain: \
		It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if \
		dressed as a man. \
 \
	Above the enterance to a Cairo bar: \
		Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband \
		or similar. \
 \
	On a Bucharest elevator: \
 \
		The lift is being fixed for the next days. \
		During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. \
 \
		-- Colin Bowles \
',' \
Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations \
 \
	Various signs in Poland: \
 \
		Right turn toward immediate outside. \
 \
		Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. \
 \
		Five o\'clock tea at all hours. \
 \
	In a men\'s washroom in Sidney: \
 \
		Shake excess water from hands, push button to start, \
		rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands \
		on front of shirt. \
 \
		-- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle \
',' \
Iowans ask why Minnesotans don\'t drink more Kool-Aid.  That\'s because \
they can\'t figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those \
little paper envelopes. \
',' \
Isn\'t it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there? \
		-- Herb Caen \
',' \
It\'s hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.  If He didn\'t, why is it so \
close to Texas? \
',' \
It\'s not Camelot, but it\'s not Cleveland, either. \
		-- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston \
',' \
It\'s not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. \
		-- Alexander Korda \
',' \
It\'s odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that \
English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many \
other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. \
		-- Sydney J. Harris \
',' \
It\'s really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. \
',' \
Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else \
follows in the same way. \
		-- Alan J. Perlis \
',' \
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made \
sense from things she found in gift shops. \
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. \
',' \
Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, \
wins few friends, Germans excepted. \
		-- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" \
',' \
Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. \
		-- Candice Bergen \
',' \
Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that \
nobody else wants. \
		-- Andy Warhol \
',' \
Minnesota -- \
	home of the blonde hair and blue ears. \
	mosquito supplier to the free world. \
	come fall in love with a loon. \
	where visitors turn blue with envy. \
	one day it\'s warm, the rest of the year it\'s cold. \
	land of many cultures -- mostly throat. \
	where the elite meet sleet. \
	glove it or leave it. \
	many are cold, but few are frozen. \
	land of the ski and home of the crazed. \
	land of 10,000 Petersons. \
',' \
Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet \
in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a \
hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of \
the world.  Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane, \
but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him. \
So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all \
over the muscular giant siting beside him.  Fortunately, at least for Moishe, \
the man was sound asleep.  But now the little man had another problem.  How in \
the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he \
awakened?  The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane\'s intercom, finally \
woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion. \
	"Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously. \
',' \
Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place \
in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling \
of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery. \
		-- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840 \
',' \
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. \
		-- Richard Lewis \
',' \
My godda bless, never I see sucha people. \
		-- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale \
',' \
New York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors. \
',' \
New York now leads the world\'s great cities in the number of people around \
whom you shouldn\'t make a sudden move. \
		-- David Letterman \
',' \
No matter what other nations may say about the United States, \
immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. \
',' \
"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called \
Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that \
were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..." \
		-- "The Begatting of a President" \
',' \
On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little \
girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers.  "God bless Mommy and Daddy and \
Keith and Kim," she said.  As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, \
and God, this is goodbye.  We\'re moving to Hollywood." \
',' \
On the whole, I\'d rather be in Philadelphia. \
		-- W.C. Fields\' epitaph \
',' \
One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your \
seat to another passenger.  This may seem callous, but it is the best \
way, really.  If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted \
in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and \
imagine they were in Topeka Kansas. \
',' \
paak, n:	A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a \
			a vehicle) for a time in a certain location. \
patato, n:	The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. \
Septemba, n:	The 9th month of the year. \
shua, n:	Having no doubt; certain. \
sista, n:	A female having the same mother and father as the speaker. \
tamato, n:	A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads \
			or as a vegetable. \
troopa, n:	A state policeman. \
Wista, n:	A city in central Masschewsetts. \
yaad, n:	A tract of ground adjacent to a building. \
		-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary \
',' \
Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.  I myself would \
say that it had merely been detected. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to \
exciting Camden, New Jersey. \
',' \
Providence, New Jersey, is one of the few cities where Velveeta cheese \
appears on the gourmet shelf. \
',' \
Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler. \
		-- Zero Mostel \
',' \
San Francisco isn\'t what it used to be, and it never was. \
		-- Herb Caen \
',' \
Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. \
',' \
Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll. \
Her question was, "Excuse me; what\'s your opinion on the meat shortage?" \
 \
In Texas, the answer was "What\'s a shortage?" \
In Poland, the answer was "What\'s meat?" \
In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What\'s an opinion?" \
In New York City, the answer was "What\'s excuse me?" \
',' \
	Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a \
haven of tranquility in troubled times.  It\'s a good town, a civilized town. \
A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday.  Let \
the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath.  We have known the \
stolid but steady Killebrew.  Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini \
may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka \
Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer.  The loss is \
theirs.  And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut \
butter on lefse.  Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm \
disease and the number one crime is overtime parking.  We boast more theater \
per capita than the Big Apple.  We go to see, not to be seen.  We go even \
when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there.  Indeed \
the winters are fierce.  But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. \
People flock to the city\'s lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so \
much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. \
Here\'s to the Minneapple.  And to its people.  Our flair for style is balanced \
by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. \
	And we always, always eat our vegetables. \
	This is the Minneapple. \
',' \
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York \
City.  One is "Hey, taxi."  Two is, "What train do I take to get to \
Bloomingdale\'s?"  And three is, "Don\'t worry.  It\'s just a flesh wound." \
		-- David Letterman \
',' \
	"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the \
Machineries of Joy?  That is, did not God promote environments, then \
intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and \
women, such as are we all?  And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with \
good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God\'s \
Machineries of Joy?" \
	"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." \
		-- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" \
',' \
The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen \
in the image of Englishmen. \
		-- Winston Churchill, 1942 \
',' \
The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the \
eagle -- on the back of a dollar. \
		-- Finlay Peter Dunne \
',' \
The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from \
sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. \
		--Salvador De Madariaga \
',' \
The best case:	   Get salary from America, build a house in England, \
			live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. \
Pretty good case:  Get salary from England, build a house in America, \
			live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. \
The worst case:    Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, \
			live with a British wife, and eat American food. \
		--Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine \
',' \
The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80. \
',' \
The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries. \
		-- Nora Ephron \
',' \
The British are coming!  The British are coming! \
',' \
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. \
',' \
The curse of the Irish is not that they don\'t know the words to a song -- \
it\'s that they know them *___all*. \
		-- Susan Dooley \
',' \
The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch a satellite. \
Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth! \
',' \
The difference between America and England is that the English think 100 \
miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time. \
',' \
The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it \
*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness. \
		-- Mel Brooks \
',' \
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable \
in full pursuit of the uneatable. \
		-- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance" \
',' \
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach \
their children to speak it. \
		-- G. B. Shaw \
',' \
The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest \
about it. \
		-- James Agate, British film and drama critic \
',' \
[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. \
		-- Somerset Maugham \
',' \
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of the \
center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with South \
Boston which lies directly east from the South End.  North of the South \
End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. \
',' \
The goys have proven the following theorem... \
		-- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom \
		   lecture. \
',' \
	The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon  \
emerging was approached by a panhandler.  "Mister," said the man, "can I  \
have a quarter?" \
	The Martian asked, "What\'s a quarter?" \
	The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You\'re  \
right!  Can I have a dollar?" \
',' \
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. \
		-- Andy Warhol \
',' \
The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common \
family name in the world is Chang.  Can you imagine the enormous number \
of people in the world named Mohammad Chang? \
		-- Derek Wills \
',' \
The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right \
turn on a red light. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
The San Diego Freeway.  Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! \
',' \
The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, but there has \
always been a limited number of Human Beings. \
		-- Little Big Man \
',' \
	The world\'s most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the \
stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left \
his ticket at home.  Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went \
to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat.  After an hour\'s \
wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, \
Dave!"  The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner \
of the voice -- with no success.   Then he realized he had lost his place in \
line and had to wait all over again.  When the fan finally bought his ticket, \
he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink.  The line at the concession stand \
was long, too, but since the game hadn\'t started he decided to wait.  Just as \
he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!"  Again the Aggie tried \
to find the voice -- but no luck.  He was very upset as he got back in line \
for his drink.  Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. \
As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. \
Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs,  "My name isn\'t Dave!" \
',' \
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. \
',' \
There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. \
',' \
There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals \
in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so \
people who find nothing odd about it. \
		-- Calvin Trillin \
',' \
There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the \
ocean level wouldn\'t cure. \
		-- Ross MacDonald \
',' \
There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United States; of course, \
I never heard the story before. \
',' \
	There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan.  Seems one \
day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver.  Well, the owner \
of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra \
change at his customer\'s expense.  Turning quietly to the counterman, he \
whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami\'s liver!" \
',' \
There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan. \
Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice.  "Mike, \
you know I\'ve always wanted to be a Texan.  You\'re a *____real* Texan, what \
should I do?" \
	"Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you\'ve got to do is look \
like a Texan.  That means you have to dress right.  The second thing \
you\'ve got to do is speak in a southern drawl." \
	"Thanks, Mike, I\'ll give it a try," replied the New Yorker. \
	A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed \
in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna.  "Hey, there, \
pardner, I\'d like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits," \
he tells the counterman. \
	The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says, \
"You must be from New York." \
	The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am.  How did \
you know?" \
	"Because this is a hardware store." \
',' \
There\'s just something I don\'t like about Virginia; the state. \
',' \
There\'s something different about us -- different from people of Europe, \
Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny. \
		-- G. Gordon Liddy \
',' \
Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan, \
all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence: \
"Old MacDonald had a . . ." \
 \
	"Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan. \
	"Sorry, that\'s wrong," the game show host said. \
	"Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the \
		service station," said the Missourian. \
	"Wrong." \
	"Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan. \
	"CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster.  "Now for $100,000, spell \'farm.\'" \
	"Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O." \
',' \
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. \
		-- Frank Lloyd Wright \
',' \
To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he \
is allowed to drive a taxi in New York.  For New York cabbies, honesty and \
stopping at red lights are both optional. \
	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts \
',' \
To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go \
above fifty-eight degrees.  If you collapse on a street in New York, plan \
to spend a few days there. \
	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts \
',' \
To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons \
in New York is that the pigeons don\'t shit on each other. \
	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts \
',' \
To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks.  There are, \
in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people.  The \
only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the \
Swedes speak better English." \
	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts \
',' \
To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than a \
million dollars are those on fire.  These generally go for six hundred \
thousand. \
	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts \
',' \
To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in \
Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one\'s \
fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one\'s taste. \
It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country \
in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar \
weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can \
be in the United States.  Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is \
a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States \
and not be happy. \
		-- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American" \
',' \
To know Edina is to reject it. \
		-- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election" \
',' \
Toto, I don\'t think we\'re in Kansas anymore. \
		-- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz" \
',' \
Tourists -- have some fun with New York\'s hard-boiled cabbies.  When you \
get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?  I was hitch-hiking." \
		-- David Letterman \
',' \
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. \
		-- David Letterman \
',' \
Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. \
"What\'s this place called?" he asked the station attendant. \
	"All depends," the native drawled.  "Do you mean by them that has \
to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or \
by them that\'s merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms \
for a short spell?" \
',' \
Visit beautiful Vergas, Minnesota. \
',' \
Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells. \
',' \
Visit[1] the beautiful Smoky Mountains! \
 \
[1] visit, v.: \
	Come for a week, spend too much money and pay lots of hidden taxes, \
	then leave.  We\'ll be happy to see your money again next year. \
	You can save time by simply sending the money, if you\'re too busy. \
',' \
We don\'t care how they do it in New York. \
',' \
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, \
and the children are above-average. \
		-- Garrison Keillor \
',' \
What kind of sordid business are you on now?  I mean, man, whither \
goest thou?  Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? \
		-- Jack Kerouac \
',' \
Whatever doesn\'t succeed in two months and a half in California will \
never succeed. \
		-- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California \
',' \
When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. \
		-- Samuel Johnson \
',' \
When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I \
think it was a Tuesday. \
',' \
When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket \
and a willingness to compromise. \
		-- Weber cartoon caption \
',' \
When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said \
to myself, "I\'ve got to get out of this lane." \
		-- Franklyn Ajaye \
',' \
When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself \
Americanized. \
',' \
Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights? \
',' \
Yawd [noun, Bostonese]:  the campus of Have Id. \
		-- Webster\'s Unafraid Dictionary \
',' \
Yes, I\'ve now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those \
L-shaped ones.  Unfortunately, it\'s a lower case l. \
		-- Rita Rudner \
',' \
You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty spray paint cans \
in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb. \
',' \
You don\'t move to Edina, you achieve Edina. \
		-- Guindon \
',' \
You know you\'re in a small town when... \
	You don\'t use turn signals because everybody knows where you\'re going. \
	You\'re born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local \
		merchants because you\'re the first baby of the year. \
	Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn\'t. \
	You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail. \
	You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway. \
	You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. \
',' \
1893 The ideal brain tonic \
1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all \
	soda fountains \
1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent \
1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain \
1906 The drink of QUALITY \
1907 Good to the last drop \
1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate \
1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze.  Delightful as a Dip in the Sea \
1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate \
1917 There\'s a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola \
1919 It satisfies thirst \
1919 The taste is the test \
1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst \
1922 Thirst knows no season \
1925 Enjoy the sociable drink \
		-- Coca-Cola slogans \
',' \
1925 With a drink so good, \'tis folly to be thirsty \
1929 The high sign of refreshment \
1929 The pause that refreshes \
1930 It had to be good to get where it is \
1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing \
1935 The pause that brings friends together \
1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed \
1938 The best friend thirst ever had \
1939 Thirst stops here \
1942 It\'s the real thing \
1947 Have a Coke \
1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING \
1963 Things go better with Coke \
1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand \
1979 Have a Coke and a smile \
1982 Coke is it! \
		-- Coca-Cola slogans \
',' \
	A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong \
game.  They had the volley of the Dills. \
',' \
	A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the \
house of seven gobbles. \
',' \
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. \
		-- James Beard \
',' \
	A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job.  He \
kept favoring curry. \
',' \
A waist is a terrible thing to mind. \
		-- Ziggy \
',' \
	A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat \
loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs.  On Friday morning her \
husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?" \
',' \
Actor:	So what do you do for a living? \
Doris:	I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving \
	dishes for Chinese restaurants. \
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" \
',' \
Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. \
',' \
	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" \
asked the father of his little son. \
	"Diet." \
',' \
Anything is good if it\'s made of chocolate. \
',' \
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. \
',' \
As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought \
the potato salad. \
',' \
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple \
memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time \
to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, \
E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. \
		-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" \
',' \
Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. \
		-- Derek Bok \
',' \
BOO!  We changed Coke again!  BLEAH!  BLEAH!  \
',' \
Boycott meat -- suck your thumb. \
',' \
Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of \
fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture.  Of course, \
the same can be said of dirt. \
',' \
Cheese -- milk\'s leap toward immortality. \
		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" \
',' \
Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." \
',' \
Consider the following axioms carefully: \
	"Everything\'s better when it sits on a Ritz." \
	and \
	"Everything\'s better with Blue Bonnet on it." \
What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker?  The \
thought is frightening.  Is this how God came into being?  Try not to \
consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke". \
',' \
Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of \
this complete breakfast".  The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be \
watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they\'ll show a commercial for \
a children\'s compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky \
Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food \
such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete \
breakfast".  Don\'t that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", \
or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"?  And couldn\'t they make \
essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of \
shaving cream there, or a dead bat? \
 \
Answer: Yes. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer\'s" \
',' \
Death before dishonor.  But neither before breakfast. \
',' \
Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and \
Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... \
 \
Police suspect the work of a cereal killer! \
',' \
Dieters live life in the fasting lane. \
',' \
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. \
',' \
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon. \
',' \
Do not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides. \
',' \
Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage? \
Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in? \
Have you ever eaten an entire moose? \
Can you see your neck? \
Do joggers take laps around you for exercise? \
If so, welcome to National Fat Week. \
This week we\'ll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, \
	...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person. \
		-- Garfield \
',' \
	During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm.  He \
stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode \
Island Red hopped on top.  Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch \
a Tory!" \
',' \
Eat as much as you like -- just don\'t swallow it. \
		-- Harry Secombe\'s diet \
',' \
Eat drink and be merry!  Tommorrow you may be in Utah. \
',' \
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. \
',' \
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. \
',' \
Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. \
',' \
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work." \
',' \
Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. \
',' \
Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns. \
',' \
Even a cabbage may look at a king. \
',' \
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! \
',' \
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. \
		-- Alexander Woollcott \
',' \
Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being \
that a belch is more satisfying. \
		-- Ingmar Bergman \
',' \
Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind. \
',' \
Fat people of the world unite, we\'ve got nothing to lose! \
',' \
Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. \
		-- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo" \
',' \
For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the \
\'Great Chieftain O\' the Pudden Race\' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow \
recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned \
protected species. \
	Ingredients: \
	  1 Sheep\'s Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag \
	  2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal \
	  1 teaspoonful salt \
	  8 oz. shredded suet \
	  2 small onions \
	1/2 teaspoonful black pepper \
     \
	Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water.  Soak in salt water \
overnight.  Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over \
the side of pot.  Retain 1 pint of stock.  Cut off windpipe, remove surplus \
gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about \
half only).  Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, \
salt, pepper and stock to moisten.  Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for \
swelling.  Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over.  If bag not \
available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for \
four to five hours. \
',' \
Fortune\'s Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: \
 \
	I\'ll stay out of animals\' way if they\'ll stay out of mine. \
	"Hey you, get off my plate" \
		-- Roger Midnight \
',' \
Fortune\'s diet truths: \
1:  Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream. \
2:  Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. \
3:  Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate.  In fact, carob is not \
    an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. \
4:  There is no such thing as a "fun salad."  So let\'s stop pretending and see \
    salads for what they are:  God\'s punishment for being fat. \
5:  Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as \
    appealing as tepid beer. \
6:  A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! \
7:  You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and \
    low-cal."  Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver."  They aren\'t and \
    it isn\'t. \
8:  Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. \
9:  Fresh fruit is not dessert.  CAKE is dessert! \
10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. \
11: A plain baked potato isn\'t worth the effort involved in chewing and \
    swallowing. \
',' \
God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. \
',' \
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  November 23, 1915 \
 \
Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup. \
',' \
Has anyone ever tasted an "end"?  Are they really bitter? \
',' \
		        Has your family tried \'em? \
 \
			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS \
 \
		 Heavens, they\'re tasty and expeditious! \
 \
	    They\'re made from whole wheat, to give shy persons \
	   the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. \
 \
			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS \
 \
	Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of \
	the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark \
		     stains that indicate freshness. \
',' \
Have a taco. \
		-- P.S. Beagle \
',' \
Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. \
',' \
Hors d\'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. \
		-- Jack Benny \
',' \
	"How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary \
of her blonde companion. \
	"Fishing through the ice," she replied. \
	"Fishing through the ice?   Whatever for?" \
	"Olives." \
',' \
How many hors d\'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by \
a waiter at a nice party? \
	Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors \
d\'oeuvre.  If they\'re those little pastry things where you can\'t tell what\'s \
inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say:  "This is \
cheese!  I hate cheese!"  Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and \
bite another one and go, "Darn it!  Another cheese!" and so on. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" \
',' \
I am so optimistic about beef prices that I\'ve just leased a pot roast \
with an option to buy. \
',' \
I brake for chezlogs! \
',' \
I couldn\'t remember when I had been so disappointed.  Except perhaps the \
time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. \
		-- Peter Oakley \
',' \
I don\'t care for the Sugar Smacks commercial.  I don\'t like the idea of \
a frog jumping on my Breakfast. \
		-- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 \
',' \
I don\'t care where I sit as long as I get fed. \
		-- Calvin Trillin \
',' \
I don\'t even butter my bread.  I consider that cooking. \
		-- Katherine Cebrian \
',' \
I don\'t have an eating problem.  I eat.  I get fat.  I buy new clothes. \
No problem. \
',' \
"I don\'t like spinach, and I\'m glad I don\'t, because if I liked it I\'d \
eat it, and I just hate it." \
		-- Clarence Darrow \
',' \
I have never been one to sacrifice my appetite on the altar of appearance. \
		-- A.M. Readyhough \
',' \
I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,  \
in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.     \
		-- Thoreau \
',' \
I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God. \
		-- B. Hathrume Duk \
',' \
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn\'t like. \
',' \
I never pray before meals -- my mom\'s a good cook. \
',' \
	"I thought you were trying to get into shape." \
	"I am. The shape I\'ve selected is a triangle." \
',' \
I\'m hungry, time to eat lunch. \
',' \
I\'ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I\'ve lost is two weeks. \
		-- Totie Fields \
',' \
If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again. \
',' \
If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up. \
',' \
If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst. \
',' \
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euell Gibbons really was a nut? \
',' \
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a \
restaurant. \
		-- Snoopy \
',' \
If you see an onion ring -- answer it! \
',' \
If you stew apples like cranberries, they taste more like prunes than \
rhubarb does. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
If you waste your time cooking, you\'ll miss the next meal. \
',' \
If you\'re going to America, bring your own food. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" \
',' \
If your bread is stale, make toast. \
',' \
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. \
		-- Josi Simon \
',' \
Is there life before breakfast? \
',' \
It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, to argue with the belly, \
since it has no ears. \
		-- Marcus Porcius Cato \
',' \
IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about \
a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can\'t throw \
that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." \
 \
Sure they eat fish if that\'s all you give them!  Man, wise up. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. \
',' \
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings \
about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still \
safe to eat. \
		-- Robert Fuoss \
',' \
It\'s raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... \
',' \
It\'s so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone\'s fingers \
have been all over it. \
		-- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine. \
',' \
Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake. \
Pick one. \
 \
	 (1)	It\'s less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake. \
	 (2)	It\'s cheaper than going to France. \
	 (3)	It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday. \
	 (4)	Life is short. \
	 (5)	It\'s somebody\'s birthday.  I don\'t want them to celebrate alone. \
	 (6)	It matches my eyes. \
	 (7)	Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me. \
	 (8)	To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday. \
	 (9)	Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating. \
	(10)	Strawberry shortcake is evil.  I must help rid the world of it. \
	(11)	I\'m getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff. \
	(12)	It\'s the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli. \
',' \
Killing turkeys causes winter. \
',' \
Kissing don\'t last, cookery do. \
		-- George Meredith \
',' \
Kitchen activity is highlighted.  Butter up a friend. \
',' \
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up \
the pillow was gone. \
		-- Tommy Cooper \
',' \
Last week\'s pet, this week\'s special. \
',' \
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. \
',' \
Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.  You have to \
eat it nevertheless. \
		-- Flaubert \
',' \
"Life is like a buffet; it\'s not good but there\'s plenty of it." \
',' \
Life is like a tin of sardines.  We\'re, all of us, looking for the key. \
		-- Beyond the Fringe \
',' \
Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- you can lick it, but it still \
won\'t go away. \
',' \
Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes \
you weep. \
		-- Carl Sandburg \
',' \
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find \
there is nothing in it. \
		-- James Huneker \
',' \
Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. \
		-- Storm Jameson \
',' \
Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. \
		-- Sanka Ad \
',' \
Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from.  And when \
you\'re on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee. \
		-- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs\' coffee commercial \
',' \
Lobster: \
	Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are \
squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only \
proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your \
guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they\'re cooked. \
The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea \
floor, and you\'re helping reduce crime in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster \
behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, \
"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a \
scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural \
apparatus you call a memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may \
even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into \
the pot.  Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will \
be, too. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and \
		   Utensils into Excuses and Apologies" \
',' \
Man who arrives at party two hours late will find he has been beaten \
to the punch. \
',' \
MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) \
 \
  Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie	36 RITZ Crackers \
2 cups water				 2 cups sugar \
2 teaspoons cream of tartar		 2 tablespoons lemon juice \
  Grated rind of one lemon		   Butter or margarine \
  Cinnamon \
 \
Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break \
RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar \
and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon \
juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously \
with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top \
crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let \
steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust \
is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices. \
		-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box \
',' \
Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market. \
		-- E.W. Howe \
',' \
Mountain Dew and doughnuts...  because breakfast is the most important meal \
of the day. \
',' \
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless there \
are three other people. \
		-- Orson Welles \
',' \
My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce \
and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side. \
		-- Senator Hubert Humphrey \
',' \
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. \
',' \
Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator\'s motion coupled with \
the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to change into \
lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the \
window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows. \
',' \
Never eat anything bigger than your head. \
',' \
Never eat more than you can lift. \
		-- Miss Piggy \
',' \
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after \
eating one peanut. \
		-- Channing Pollock \
',' \
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. \
		-- Charlie Brown \
',' \
Now that you\'ve read Fortune\'s diet truths, you\'ll be prepared the next \
time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV \
to plug her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for \
eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself \
the following questions: \
 \
	(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a \
	    food? \
	(2) Was the author\'s sole motive in writing this book to get rich \
	    exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? \
	(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as \
	    prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with \
	    double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living \
	    right doesn\'t really make you live longer, it just *seems* like \
	    longer.) \
 \
That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. \
',' \
Peanut Blossoms \
 \
4 cups sugar           16 tbsp. milk \
4 cups brown sugar     4 tsp. vanilla \
4 cups shortening      14 cups flour \
8 eggs                 4 tsp. soda \
4 cups peanut butter   4 tsp. salt \
 \
Shape dough into balls.  Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie \
sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top each cookie with a \
Hershey\'s kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie.  Makes a \
heck of a lot. \
',' \
Pete:	Waiter, this meat is bad. \
Waiter:	Who told you? \
Pete:	A little swallow. \
',' \
Peter\'s hungry, time to eat lunch. \
',' \
Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! \
',' \
Prunes give you a run for your money. \
',' \
Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.  Let it simmer.  Meanwhile, \
broil a good steak.  Eat the steak.  Let the chili simmer.  Ignore it. \
		-- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor \
		   of Texas. \
',' \
Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea! \
',' \
Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s\'s while DESERT is spelled with \
one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two deserts. \
		-- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59 \
',' \
RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER\'S CREED \
	(1)  Never eat on an empty stomach. \
	(2)  Never leave the table hungry. \
	(3)  When traveling, never leave a country hungry. \
	(4)  Enjoy your food. \
	(5)  Enjoy your companion\'s food. \
	(6)  Really taste your food.  It may take several portions to \
	     accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. \
	(7)  Really feel your food.  Texture is important.  Compare, \
	     for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a \
	     brownie.  Which feels better against your cheeks? \
	(8)  Never eat between snacks, unless it\'s a meal. \
	(9)  Don\'t feel you must finish everything on your plate.  You \
	     can always eat it later. \
	(10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. \
	(11) Avoid blue food. \
		-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" \
',' \
Sacred cows make great hamburgers. \
',' \
Save gas, don\'t eat beans. \
',' \
Seeing is deceiving.  It\'s eating that\'s believing. \
		-- James Thurber \
',' \
So much food; so little time! \
',' \
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in \
the milk. \
		-- Thoreau \
',' \
The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit called \
the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in writing -- "100 \
percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would be heated up and then \
cooled back down in electronic devices immediately before serving.  The \
Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, \
Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a \
bottle and a little slip of paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12."  The \
Lunch or Dinner Patty would be any Breakfast Patties that didn\'t get sold in \
the morning. The Seafood Lover\'s Patty would be any patties that were \
starting to emit a serious aroma.  Patties that were too rank even to be \
Seafood Lover\'s Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." \
		-- Dave Barry, "\'Mister Mediocre\' Restaurants" \
',' \
The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals \
because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage \
and tourist handouts.  This bear has learned to open car doors in \
Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens \
of thousands of dollars a year.  Campaigns to bearproof all garbage \
containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist \
put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels \
of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." \
',' \
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up \
at the steam fitters\' picnic. \
',' \
The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. \
		-- John McNulty \
',' \
	   THE DAILY PLANET \
 \
	SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! \
	Plans to "Eat it later" \
',' \
The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. \
',' \
The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through \
three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and \
Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases.  For \
instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we eat?" \
the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we have lunch?". \
		-- Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy \
',' \
The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill.  It is \
the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free \
world by man, woman and child alike.  An astounding 350 billion kosher \
dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person \
per day.  New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill \
really changed my life.  I used to enjoy eating McDonald\'s hamburgers and \
drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. \
I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I\'d ever imagined. \
And now, just look at me." \
',' \
The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz said, \
	"Life is like a bowl of sour cream." \
	"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?" \
	"How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?" \
',' \
The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a \
ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last \
it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal \
woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children, \
the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the \
bite of fire.  You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold \
in your hands.  The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, \
starts a long, long time before the event. \
		-- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", \
		   from "Congress Eate It Up" \
',' \
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served \
the family nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found. \
		-- Calvin Trillin \
',' \
"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in \
1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." \
		-- D. Letterman \
',' \
The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success \
of the barbecue. \
',' \
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine \
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. \
',' \
The only thing better than love is milk. \
',' \
The reason it\'s called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", which is \
also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is \
catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and \
Gravel," which is what it tastes like. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer\'s" \
',' \
The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. \
 \
Cowboy:	"Well, you\'ve been a pretty good hoss, I guess.  Hardworkin\'. \
	Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." \
 \
Horse:  "No, stupid, not feed*back*.  I said I wanted a feed*bag*. \
',' \
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later \
you\'re hungry again. \
		-- George Miller \
',' \
The way to a man\'s stomach is through his esophagus. \
',' \
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be \
offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a \
series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of \
food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection \
increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the \
affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no \
circumstances can the food be omitted. \
		-- Miss Manners\' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour \
',' \
There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is one \
of them. \
',' \
There are twenty-five people left in the world, and twenty-seven of \
them are hamburgers. \
		-- Ed Sanders \
',' \
There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the \
man who eats Grape-Nuts on principle. \
		-- G.K. Chesterton \
',' \
There is no sincerer love than the love of food. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
There\'s always free cheese in a mousetrap. \
',' \
There\'s nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar. \
',' \
Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
This is Betty Frenel.  I don\'t know who to call but I can\'t reach my \
Food-a-holics partner.  I\'m at Vido\'s on my second pizza with sausage \
and mushroom.  Jim, come and get me! \
',' \
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. \
',' \
	... This striving for excellence extends into people\'s personal \
lives as well.  When \'80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as \
determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people buy \
imported dental floss.  They buy gourmet baking soda.  If an \'80s couple \
goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three weeks in \
advance, and they are informed that their table is available, they stalk \
out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent restaurant.  If \
it were, it would have an enormous crowd of excellence-oriented people \
like themselves waiting, their beepers going off like crickets in the \
night.  An excellent restaurant wouldn\'t have a table ready immediately \
for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. \
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" \
',' \
	To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely \
wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. \
	The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that \
food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in \
promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction.  For the first time, an \
eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and \
Mallomars, and understand why a lover\'s quarrel isn\'t so bad if there\'s a \
pint of ice cream nearby. \
		-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" \
',' \
To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block, \
and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly.  It was \
agreeable, too -- it really was -- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy. \
There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen; \
it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of \
tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading.  It was the triumph of \
mind over matter; quite. \
		-- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit" \
',' \
Tom\'s hungry, time to eat lunch. \
',' \
Too Late \
	A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by \
the two o\'clock boats.  If their object in going down was to participate in \
the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after \
the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby. \
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861 \
',' \
Two peanuts were walking through the New York.  One was assaulted. \
',' \
Vegetables are what food eats. \
Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good. \
Fish are fast moving vegetables. \
Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food\'s done with them. \
		-- Meat Eater\'s Credo, according to Jim Williams \
',' \
Vegeterians beware!  You are what you eat. \
',' \
Waiter:	"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" \
1st customer: "I\'ll have tea." \
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" \
	(Waiter exits, returns) \
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?" \
',' \
Wake up and smell the coffee. \
		-- Ann Landers \
',' \
What foods these morsels be! \
',' \
What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. \
		-- Titus Lucretius Carus \
',' \
What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one\'s \
enemies.  Give a man these three things and you won\'t hear much squawking \
out of him. \
		-- Brian O\'Nolan, "The Best of Myles" \
',' \
When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. \
',' \
When all else fails, EAT!!! \
',' \
When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional \
cheese dip. \
		-- Ignatius Reilly \
',' \
	"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, \
"what\'s the first thing you say to yourself?" \
	"What\'s for breakfast?" said Pooh.  "What do you say, Piglet?" \
	"I say, I wonder what\'s going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet. \
	Pooh nodded thoughtfully.  "It\'s the same thing," he said. \
',' \
When you\'re dining out and you suspect something\'s wrong, you\'re probably right. \
',' \
Where do you go to get anorexia? \
		-- Shelley Winters \
',' \
While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don\'t \
keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. \
		-- Edward Stevenson \
',' \
Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the pure in heart \
can make a good soup. \
		-- Ludwig Van Beethoven \
',' \
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?  It\'s quite uncanny. \
',' \
Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow? \
',' \
Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the \
way he did.  In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an \
indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less \
important to him than his table or his white robe. \
		-- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac \
',' \
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. \
',' \
You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting \
incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes \
make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to \
damage them.  They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them.  In \
fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back \
to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back \
and forth for hundreds of years. \
 \
The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound \
some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet.  Be sure to wear safety glasses. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" \
',' \
You don\'t sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. \
		-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food \
',' \
You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, \
what might you have done for a truffled turkey? \
		-- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout" \
',' \
You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. \
		-- S. Rickly Christian \
',' \
You know you\'re a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. \
		-- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 \
',' \
You must dine in our cafeteria.  You can eat dirt cheap there!!!! \
',' \
You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, another $2 \
if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and another $2 for each \
"special" he describes involving confusing terms such as "shallots," and $4 \
if the menu contains the word "fixin\'s." In many restaurants, this means the \
waiter will actually owe you money. If you are traveling with a child aged \
six months to three years, you should leave an additional amount equal to \
twice the bill to compensate for the fact that they will have to take the \
banquette out and burn it because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets \
made of partially chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. \
 \
In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his hemorrhoids. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" \
',' \
Your mind is the part of you that says, \
	"Why\'n\'tcha eat that piece of cake?" \
... and then, twenty minutes later, says, \
	"Y\'know, if I were you, I wouldn\'t have done that!" \
		-- Steven and Ondrea Levine \
',' \
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it? \
',' \
A few hours grace before the madness begins again. \
',' \
A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. \
',' \
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. \
 \
Buy the negatives at any price. \
',' \
A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. \
',' \
A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. \
',' \
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. \
',' \
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. \
',' \
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. \
',' \
Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat. \
',' \
Advancement in position. \
',' \
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! \
',' \
Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change. \
',' \
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. \
',' \
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. \
',' \
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. \
',' \
An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. \
',' \
An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. \
',' \
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. \
',' \
Are you a turtle? \
',' \
Are you ever going to do the dishes?  Or will you change your major to biology? \
',' \
Are you making all this up as you go along? \
',' \
Are you sure the back door is locked? \
',' \
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum. \
',' \
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. \
',' \
Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. \
',' \
Avoid reality at all costs. \
',' \
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200. \
',' \
Be careful!  Is it classified? \
',' \
Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! \
',' \
Be cautious in your daily affairs. \
',' \
Be cheerful while you are alive. \
		-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. \
',' \
Be different: conform. \
',' \
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won\'t get any better so \
get used to it. \
',' \
Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake. \
',' \
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. \
',' \
Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon. \
',' \
Better hope the life-inspector doesn\'t come around while you have your \
life in such a mess. \
',' \
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. \
',' \
Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. \
',' \
Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. \
',' \
Beware of Bigfoot! \
',' \
Beware of low-flying butterflies. \
',' \
Beware the one behind you. \
',' \
Blow it out your ear. \
',' \
Break into jail and claim police brutality. \
',' \
Bridge ahead.  Pay troll. \
',' \
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. \
',' \
Caution: Keep out of reach of children. \
',' \
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch. \
',' \
Change your thoughts and you change your world. \
',' \
Cheer Up!  Things are getting worse at a slower rate. \
',' \
Chess tonight. \
',' \
Chicken Little only has to be right once. \
',' \
Chicken Little was right. \
',' \
Cold hands, no gloves. \
',' \
Communicate!  It can\'t make things any worse. \
',' \
Courage is your greatest present need. \
',' \
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed. \
',' \
Do not overtax your powers. \
',' \
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. \
',' \
Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. \
',' \
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill. \
',' \
Do what comes naturally.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. \
',' \
Domestic happiness and faithful friends. \
',' \
Don\'t feed the bats tonight. \
',' \
Don\'t get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. \
',' \
Don\'t get to bragging. \
',' \
Don\'t go surfing in South Dakota for a while. \
',' \
Don\'t hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. \
',' \
Don\'t kiss an elephant on the lips today. \
',' \
Don\'t let your mind wander -- it\'s too little to be let out alone. \
',' \
Don\'t look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. \
',' \
Don\'t look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. \
',' \
Don\'t look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. \
',' \
Don\'t plan any hasty moves.  You\'ll be evicted soon anyway. \
',' \
Don\'t read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. \
',' \
Don\'t read everything you believe. \
',' \
Don\'t relax!  It\'s only your tension that\'s holding you together. \
',' \
Don\'t tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective. \
',' \
Don\'t worry so loud, your roommate can\'t think. \
',' \
Don\'t Worry, Be Happy. \
		-- Meher Baba \
',' \
Don\'t worry.  Life\'s too long. \
		-- Vincent Sardi, Jr. \
',' \
Don\'t you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? \
',' \
Don\'t you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? \
',' \
Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. \
',' \
Everything will be just tickety-boo today. \
',' \
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. \
',' \
Excellent day to have a rotten day. \
',' \
Excellent time to become a missing person. \
',' \
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. \
',' \
Exercise caution in your daily affairs. \
',' \
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. \
',' \
Expect the worst, it\'s the least you can do. \
',' \
Fine day for friends. \
So-so day for you. \
',' \
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy. \
',' \
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai \
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. \
 \
Oh, and have a nice day! \
		-- Bryce Nesbitt \'84 \
',' \
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening. \
',' \
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. \
',' \
Give him an evasive answer. \
',' \
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to \
a new town. \
',' \
Give your very best today.  Heaven knows it\'s little enough. \
',' \
Go to a movie tonight.  Darkness becomes you. \
',' \
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall. \
',' \
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase. \
',' \
Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses. \
',' \
Good day to let down old friends who need help. \
',' \
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. \
',' \
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. \
',' \
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate\'s \
new lover. \
',' \
Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. \
',' \
Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. \
',' \
If you can read this, you\'re too close. \
',' \
If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you\'ll learn \
365 useless things. \
',' \
If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. \
',' \
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. \
',' \
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow! \
',' \
If your life was a horse, you\'d have to shoot it. \
',' \
In the stairway of life, you\'d best take the elevator. \
',' \
Increased knowledge will help you now.  Have mate\'s phone bugged. \
',' \
Is that really YOU that is reading this? \
',' \
Is this really happening? \
',' \
It is so very hard to be an  \
on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you \
grown-up. \
',' \
It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. \
',' \
It was all so different before everything changed. \
',' \
It\'s a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. \
		-- Churchy La Femme \
',' \
It\'s all in the mind, ya know. \
',' \
It\'s lucky you\'re going so slowly, because you\'re going in the wrong direction. \
',' \
Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is \
not worth sending. \
',' \
Just to have it is enough. \
',' \
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis. \
',' \
Keep it short for pithy sake. \
',' \
Lady Luck brings added income today.  Lady friend takes it away tonight. \
',' \
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. \
',' \
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. \
',' \
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. \
',' \
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can\'t like it." \
		-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy" \
',' \
Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. \
',' \
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. \
',' \
Long life is in store for you. \
',' \
Look afar and see the end from the beginning. \
',' \
Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you. \
',' \
Make a wish, it might come true. \
',' \
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. \
',' \
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. \
',' \
Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you. \
',' \
Never give an inch! \
',' \
Never look up when dragons fly overhead. \
',' \
Never reveal your best argument. \
',' \
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don\'t \
have a lucky day this year. \
',' \
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. \
',' \
Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. \
',' \
People are beginning to notice you.  Try dressing before you leave the house. \
',' \
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. \
',' \
Questionable day. \
 \
Ask somebody something. \
',' \
Reply hazy, ask again later. \
',' \
Save energy: be apathetic. \
',' \
Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. \
',' \
Slow day.  Practice crawling. \
',' \
Snow Day -- stay home. \
',' \
So this it it.  We\'re going to die. \
',' \
So you\'re back... about time... \
',' \
Someone is speaking well of you. \
',' \
Someone is speaking well of you. \
 \
How unusual! \
',' \
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. \
',' \
Stay away from flying saucers today. \
',' \
Stay away from hurricanes for a while. \
',' \
Stay the curse. \
',' \
That secret you\'ve been guarding, isn\'t. \
',' \
The time is right to make new friends. \
',' \
The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. \
		-- George Gobel \
',' \
There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. \
',' \
There is a fly on your nose. \
',' \
There was a phone call for you. \
',' \
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. \
',' \
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face. \
',' \
Think twice before speaking, but don\'t say "think think click click". \
',' \
This life is yours.  Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself. \
',' \
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. \
',' \
Time to be aggressive.  Go after a tattooed Virgo. \
',' \
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. \
',' \
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. \
',' \
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. \
',' \
Today is the last day of your life so far. \
',' \
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. \
',' \
Today is what happened to yesterday. \
',' \
Today\'s weirdness is tomorrow\'s reason why. \
		-- Hunter S. Thompson \
',' \
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. \
',' \
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately, \
it can still be changed today. \
',' \
Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. \
',' \
Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don\'t forget to leave a tip. \
',' \
Tonight\'s the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. \
',' \
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live \
in eucalyptus trees. \
',' \
Truth will out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.) \
',' \
Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today. \
',' \
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. \
',' \
Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. \
',' \
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. \
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant \
',' \
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. \
',' \
Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. \
',' \
Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life. \
',' \
What happened last night can happen again. \
',' \
While you recently had your problems on the run, they\'ve regrouped and \
are making another attack. \
',' \
Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. \
',' \
You are a bundle of energy, always on the go. \
',' \
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. \
',' \
You are a very redundant person, that\'s what kind of person you are. \
',' \
You are always busy. \
',' \
You are as I am with You. \
',' \
You are capable of planning your future. \
',' \
You are confused; but this is your normal state. \
',' \
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. \
',' \
You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the \
department of transportation. \
',' \
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. \
',' \
You are fairminded, just and loving. \
',' \
You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. \
',' \
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. \
',' \
You are going to have a new love affair. \
',' \
You are magnetic in your bearing. \
',' \
You are not dead yet.  But watch for further reports. \
',' \
You are number 6!  Who is number one? \
',' \
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. \
',' \
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you \
have few friends. \
',' \
You are sick, twisted and perverted.  I like that in a person. \
',' \
You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. \
',' \
You are standing on my toes. \
',' \
You are taking yourself far too seriously. \
',' \
You are the only person to ever get this message. \
',' \
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading \
this sort of trash. \
',' \
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity. \
',' \
You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive. \
',' \
You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt \
is concerned. \
',' \
You can rent this space for only $5 a week. \
',' \
You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body. \
',' \
You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. \
',' \
You dialed 5483. \
',' \
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. \
',' \
You don\'t become a failure until you\'re satisfied with being one. \
',' \
You enjoy the company of other people. \
',' \
You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to. \
',' \
You fill a much-needed gap. \
',' \
You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. \
',' \
You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to \
leave it behind. \
',' \
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. \
',' \
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. \
',' \
You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.  \
A pity that it\'s totally undeserved. \
',' \
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. \
',' \
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. \
',' \
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first. \
',' \
You have a truly strong individuality. \
',' \
You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact. \
',' \
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. \
',' \
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. \
',' \
You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly. \
',' \
You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don\'t walk too close to \
metal objects which are not fastened down. \
',' \
You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships. \
',' \
You have been selected for a secret mission. \
',' \
You have Egyptian flu: you\'re going to be a mummy. \
',' \
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. \
',' \
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. \
',' \
You have many friends and very few living enemies. \
',' \
You have no real enemies. \
',' \
You have taken yourself too seriously. \
',' \
You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets wrinkled. \
',' \
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You\'ll learn a lot today. \
',' \
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. \
',' \
You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE \
"SOMEONE ELSE." \
',' \
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. \
',' \
You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled. \
',' \
You look tired. \
',' \
You love peace. \
',' \
You love your home and want it to be beautiful. \
',' \
You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn\'t mean that you weren\'t here today. \
',' \
You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you\'re infinitely  \
larger than others. \
',' \
You may be recognized soon.  Hide. \
',' \
You may get an opportunity for advancement today.  Watch it! \
',' \
You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will \
be sold. \
',' \
You need more time; and you probably always will. \
',' \
You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you\'ll be dead. \
',' \
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. \
',' \
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach. \
',' \
You now have Asian Flu. \
',' \
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. \
',' \
You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution. \
',' \
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. \
',' \
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own. \
',' \
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. \
',' \
You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider. \
',' \
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. \
',' \
You should emulate your heros, but don\'t carry it too far.  Especially \
if they are dead. \
',' \
You should go home. \
',' \
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. \
',' \
You teach best what you most need to learn. \
',' \
You too can wear a nose mitten. \
',' \
You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years. \
',' \
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. \
',' \
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. \
',' \
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. \
',' \
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old. \
',' \
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part. \
',' \
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant. \
',' \
You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of \
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. \
',' \
You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. \
',' \
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. \
',' \
You will be awarded some great honor. \
',' \
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. \
',' \
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. \
',' \
You will be dead within a year. \
',' \
You will be divorced within a year. \
',' \
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. \
',' \
You will be held hostage by a radical group. \
',' \
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause. \
',' \
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery. \
',' \
You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. \
',' \
You will be married within a year. \
',' \
You will be misunderstood by everyone. \
',' \
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. \
',' \
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. \
',' \
You will be run over by a beer truck. \
',' \
You will be run over by a bus. \
',' \
You will be singled out for promotion in your work. \
',' \
You will be successful in love. \
',' \
You will be surprised by a loud noise. \
',' \
You will be surrounded by luxury. \
',' \
You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. \
',' \
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. \
',' \
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself. \
',' \
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. \
',' \
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. \
',' \
You will become rich and famous unless you don\'t. \
',' \
You will contract a rare disease. \
',' \
You will engage in a profitable business activity. \
',' \
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. \
',' \
You will feel hungry again in another hour. \
',' \
You will forget that you ever knew me. \
',' \
You will gain money by a fattening action. \
',' \
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. \
',' \
You will gain money by an illegal action. \
',' \
You will gain money by an immoral action. \
',' \
You will get what you deserve. \
',' \
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. \
',' \
You will have a long and boring life. \
',' \
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. \
',' \
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. \
',' \
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. \
',' \
You will have long and healthy life. \
',' \
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. \
',' \
You will inherit millions of dollars. \
',' \
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. \
',' \
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. \
',' \
You will live to see your grandchildren. \
',' \
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise \
salesman. \
',' \
You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. \
',' \
You will never know hunger. \
',' \
You will not be elected to public office this year. \
',' \
You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears. \
',' \
You will outgrow your usefulness. \
',' \
You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. \
',' \
You will pass away very quickly. \
',' \
You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please disregard \
this message. \
',' \
You will pioneer the first Martian colony. \
',' \
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. \
',' \
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. \
',' \
You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. \
',' \
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. \
',' \
You will soon forget this. \
',' \
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. \
',' \
You will step on the night soil of many countries. \
',' \
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your \
brakes are defective. \
',' \
You will triumph over your enemy. \
',' \
You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. \
',' \
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. \
',' \
You will wish you hadn\'t. \
',' \
You work very hard.  Don\'t try to think as well. \
',' \
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry. \
',' \
You would if you could but you can\'t so you won\'t. \
',' \
You\'d like to do it instantaneously, but that\'s too slow. \
',' \
You\'ll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people. \
',' \
You\'ll be sorry... \
',' \
You\'ll feel devilish tonight.  Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer\'s \
heel. \
',' \
You\'ll feel much better once you\'ve given up hope. \
',' \
You\'ll never be the man your mother was! \
',' \
You\'ll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, \
they\'re not all recommended. \
',' \
You\'ll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier \
to do. \
',' \
You\'re a card which will have to be dealt with. \
',' \
You\'re almost as happy as you think you are. \
',' \
You\'re at the end of the road again. \
',' \
You\'re being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. \
',' \
You\'re currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." \
',' \
You\'re definitely on their list.  The question to ask next is what list it is. \
',' \
You\'re growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that \
you\'re growing into. \
',' \
You\'re not my type.  For that matter, you\'re not even my species!!! \
',' \
You\'re ugly and your mother dresses you funny. \
',' \
You\'re working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human. \
',' \
You\'ve been leading a dog\'s life.  Stay off the furniture. \
',' \
Your aim is high and to the right. \
',' \
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. \
',' \
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don\'t believe a \
thing he tells you. \
',' \
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren\'t \
really worth having. \
',' \
Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong. \
',' \
Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. \
',' \
Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. \
',' \
Your business will assume vast proportions. \
',' \
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. \
',' \
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. \
',' \
Your domestic life may be harmonious. \
',' \
Your fly might be open (but don\'t check it just now). \
',' \
Your goose is cooked. \
(Your current chick is burned up too!) \
',' \
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. \
',' \
Your ignorance cramps my conversation. \
',' \
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. \
',' \
Your love life will be happy and harmonious. \
',' \
Your love life will be... interesting. \
',' \
Your lover will never wish to leave you. \
',' \
Your lucky color has faded. \
',' \
Your lucky number has been disconnected. \
',' \
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere. \
',' \
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon. \
',' \
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments. \
',' \
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be \
misinterpreted by somebody. \
',' \
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. \
',' \
Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life. \
',' \
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. \
',' \
Your present plans will be successful. \
',' \
Your reasoning is excellent -- it\'s only your basic assumptions that are wrong. \
',' \
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. \
',' \
Your sister swims out to meet troop ships. \
',' \
Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. \
',' \
Your step will soil many countries. \
',' \
Your supervisor is thinking about you. \
',' \
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. \
',' \
Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner. \
',' \
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. \
',' \
======================================================================= \
||								     || \
|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture!  || \
||	   Watch for it at a theater near you next summer!	     || \
||								     || \
======================================================================= \
	Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: \
			"Fortune Cookie" \
	Directed by Steven Spielberg. \
	Starring  Harrison Ford  Bette Midler  Marlon Brando \
		  Christopher Reeves  Marilyn Chambers \
		  and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". \
	Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. \
	Special Effects by Timothy Leary. \
	Read the Warner paperback! \
	Invoke the Unix program! \
	Soundtrack on XTC Records. \
	In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal \
		centers. \
',' \
3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art \
and display work.  This product is called "Craft Mount".  3M suggests \
that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the \
adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky."  I did not know what "aggressively \
tacky" meant until I read today\'s fortune. \
 \
		[And who said we didn\'t offer equal time, huh? Ed.] \
',' \
		Answers to Last Fortune\'s Questions: \
 \
	(1) None.  (Moses didn\'t have an ark). \
	(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. \
	(3) I don\'t know. \
	(4) Who cares? \
	(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, \
	    Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. \
	(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my \
	    book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and \
	    bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of \
	    Papyrus Books). \
',' \
Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! \
',' \
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.  In fact, it is as \
difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent. \
		-- R. Emerson \
		-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program \
		(whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") \
		[to which I reply, "You think it\'s easy for me to \
		misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"  Ed.] \
',' \
Chocolate chip. \
',' \
			DELETE A FORTUNE! \
Don\'t some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! \
Wouldn\'t you like to see some of them deleted from the system? \
You can!  Just mail to `fortune\' with the fortune you hate most, \
and we\'ll make sure it gets expunged. \
',' \
Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program?  It makes a \
selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes.  Why not \
try it, and see how offended you are?  The -a ("all") option will \
select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive \
set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you \
should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. \
',' \
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. \
Violators will be prosecuted. \
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) \
',' \
For 20 dollars, I\'ll give you a good fortune next time ... \
',' \
For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. \
',' \
Fortune\'s current rates: \
 \
	Answers				.10 \
	Long answers			.25 \
	Answers requiring thought	.50 \
	Correct answers			$1.00 \
 \
	Dumb looks are still free. \
',' \
Generic Fortune. \
',' \
Ginger snap. \
',' \
Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to \
defuse project tensions?  When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a \
non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? \
	Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions.  This \
still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only \
serves to blunt the warning signs. \
 \
	Long live the revolution! \
	Have a nice day. \
',' \
Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person \
reading this note, that I can\'t think up any more famous quotes, jokes, \
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. \
',' \
I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, but \
I\'m not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what it means. \
',' \
If it\'s Tuesday, this must be someone else\'s fortune. \
',' \
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. \
',' \
If this fortune didn\'t exist, somebody would have invented it. \
',' \
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. \
',' \
Ignore previous fortune. \
',' \
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? \
',' \
(null cookie; hope that\'s ok) \
',' \
Oatmeal raisin. \
',' \
Oreo. \
',' \
Pardon this fortune.  Database under reconstruction. \
',' \
Pick another fortune cookie. \
',' \
Please ignore previous fortune. \
',' \
Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, \
cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward \
this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune. \
',' \
Sorry, no fortune this time. \
',' \
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by \
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. \
',' \
There is no such thing as fortune.  Try again. \
',' \
This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need, \
please use the program "________randchar".  This program generates random \
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with \
something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be \
more profound than THIS program has ever been. \
',' \
This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 \
',' \
This fortune intentionally left blank. \
',' \
This fortune intentionally not included. \
',' \
This fortune intentionally says nothing. \
',' \
This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose invaluable assistance \
last night would never have been possible. \
',' \
This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! \
',' \
This fortune is false. \
',' \
This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another. \
',' \
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. \
',' \
This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. \
',' \
This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter. \
',' \
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM \
 \
If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your \
contribution of a pithy fortunes, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue \
without your support.  Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. \
That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride.  We can\'t go on like \
this much longer.  Federal cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless \
user contributions increase to make up the difference, the fortune program \
will have to shut down between midnight and 8 a.m.  Don\'t let this happen. \
Mail your fortunes right now to "fortune".  Just type in your favorite pithy \
saying.  Do it now before you forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the \
end of the week. Don\'t miss out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you \
contribute 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The \
Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide.  If you contribute 50 or more, \
you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... \
',' \
This is your fortune. \
',' \
Vanilla wafer. \
',' \
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. \
',' \
WARNING: \
	Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your \
	mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth \
	of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome \
	of your favorite war. \
',' \
We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... \
',' \
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? \
',' \
When you\'re not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. \
',' \
You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. \
',' \
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don\'t have to go. \
You\'ll just be walking down the street and...  Ooohh, that\'s much better. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. \
Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured \
him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and \
quiet place in which to rest.  One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around \
above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, \
"Come on down."  But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light \
where I don\'t see other flies and I don\'t see any other flies in your house." \
So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other \
flies.  He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, \
"Hold it, stupid, that\'s flypaper.  All those flies are trapped."  "Don\'t be \
silly," said the fly, "they\'re dancing."  So he settled down and became stuck \
to the flypaper with all the other flies. \
 \
Moral:  There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. \
		-- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" \
',' \
A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I\'m afraid of widths. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
	A MODERN FABLE \
 \
Aesop\'s fables and other traditional children\'s stories involve allegory \
far too subtle for the youth of today.  Children need an updated message \
with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit \
today\'s minute attention span. \
 \
	The Troubled Aardvark \
 \
Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was \
driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house \
in his brand new 4x4.  He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and \
unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled \
children.  One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and \
his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its \
pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any \
personal effort he could make to change the status quo.  Overcome by a \
wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only \
course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he \
drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. \
 \
MORAL OF THE STORY:  Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. \
		-- Tom Annau \
',' \
A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. \
		-- Walt Kelly \
',' \
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!" \
		-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra" \
',' \
		Accidents cause History. \
 \
If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the \
Peasant\'s Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not \
have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil \
could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and \
the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. \
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist\'s Almanac" \
',' \
All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are Socrates. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs \
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to \
rob a department store... with a pricing gun...  She said, "Give me all \
of the money in the vault, or I\'m marking down everything in the store." \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
And now for something completely different. \
',' \
And now for something completely the same. \
',' \
	"Are you sure you\'re not an encyclopedia salesman?" \
	No, Ma\'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." \
		-- Monty Python \
',' \
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it\'s \
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
Being Ymor\'s right-hand man was like being gently flogged to death with \
scented bootlaces. \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic" \
',' \
Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and \
none of his friends like him either. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
"Boy, life takes a long time to live." \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others.  Bozos are people who band \
together for fun and profit.  They have no jobs.  Anybody who goes on a \
tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street?  Because there\'s a Bozo \
on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. \
They\'re the huge, fat, middle waist.  The archetype is an Irish drunk \
clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin.  Fields, William Bendix. \
Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness.  It has Oz in it.  They mean \
well.  They\'re straight-looking except they\'ve got inflatable shoes.  They \
like their comforts.  The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, \
which is all the time. \
		-- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head" \
',' \
But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. \
I meant no harm;  I just liked the explosions.  And I was careful never to \
kill more than I could eat. \
		-- Raoul Duke \
',' \
"But I don\'t like Spam!!!!" \
',' \
	"But I don\'t want to go on the cart..." \
	"Oh, don\'t be such a baby!" \
	"But I\'m feeling much better..." \
	"No you\'re not... in a moment you\'ll be stone dead!" \
		-- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail" \
',' \
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to \
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very \
fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are \
often given to wonder what\'s so great about point A that so many people \
from point B are so keen to get there and what\'s so great about point B \
that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there.  They often \
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell \
they wanted to be. \
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy" \
',' \
Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. \
',' \
Death didn\'t answer.  He was looking at Spold in the same way as a dog looks \
at a bone, only in this case things were more or less the other way around. \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic" \
',' \
Decorate your home.  It gives the illusion that your life is more \
interesting than it really is. \
		-- C. Schulz \
',' \
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he \
just whipped out a quarter? \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
"Don\'t come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, \
sincerely, extremely dangerously. \
 \
They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs. \
They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used \
intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks. \
They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They \
used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the \
bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery. \
They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn\'t much help.  They used applied physics. \
They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him. \
		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" \
',' \
Don\'t take life so serious, son, it ain\'t nohow permanent. \
		-- Walt Kelly \
',' \
Don\'t worry about the world coming to an end today.  It\'s already tomorrow \
in Australia. \
		-- Charles Schulz \
',' \
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead. \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" \
',' \
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
Eternity is a terrible thought.  I mean, where\'s it going to end? \
		-- Tom Stoppard \
',' \
Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, \
exactly, make people laugh.  That\'s why they were called "wise men." All the \
other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the \
wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: Would you please take my \
wife?  No.  How about: Here is my wife, please take her right now.  No How \
about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available.  No.  How \
about ..." \
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" \
',' \
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the \
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. \
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an \
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life \
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches \
are a pretty neat idea ... \
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy" \
',' \
Faster, faster, you fool, you fool! \
		-- Bill Cosby \
',' \
First, a few words about tools. \
 \
Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the \
laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure \
yourself.  Today, people tend to take tools for granted.  If you\'re ever \
walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly \
smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted.  If I were you, \
I\'d walk right up and smack them in the face. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" \
',' \
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put them in \
the same room and let them fight it out. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed \
with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it. \
		-- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" \
',' \
God is a comic playing to an audience that\'s afraid to laugh. \
',' \
He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
"Here\'s something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like \
`Psychic Wins Lottery\'?" \
		-- Jay Leno \
',' \
Hey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and \
*parks* on *driveways*? \
		-- Gallagher \
',' \
High Priest:	Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: \
Bro. Maynard:	And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high \
	saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it \
	smash our enemies to tiny bits."  And the Lord did grin, and the \
	people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and \
	breakfast cereals, and lima bean- \
High Priest:	Skip a bit, brother. \
Bro. Maynard:	And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take \
	out the holy pin.  Then shalt thou count to three.  No more, no less. \
	*Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the \
	counting shall be three.  *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither \
	count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three.  Five is \
	RIGHT OUT.  Once the number three, being the third number be reached, \
	then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being \
	naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.  Amen. \
All:	Amen. \
		-- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade" \
',' \
"Humor is a drug which it\'s the fashion to abuse." \
		-- William Gilbert \
',' \
Humorists always sit at the children\'s table. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern \
unstoned. \
		-- Ogden Nash, "Everybody\'s Mind to Me a Kingdom Is" \
',' \
I am getting into abstract painting.  Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, \
I just think about it.  I just went to an art museum where all of the art \
was done by children.  All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I am two with nature. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an argument on \
any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and steer clear of me at \
parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don\'t even invite me. \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
	"I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord." \
	"Indeed?  Then if I were you I\'d sue my face for slander." \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic" \
',' \
I base my fashion taste on what doesn\'t itch. \
		-- Gilda Radner \
',' \
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. \
 \
What a crock.  I could easily overemphasize the importance of good \
grammar.  For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause \
of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the \
United States would have lost World War II." \
		-- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" \
',' \
"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now \
when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..." \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I could dance with you till the cows come home.  On second thought, I\'d rather \
dance with the cows till you come home. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
I don\'t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don\'t deserve that \
either. \
		-- Jack Benny \
',' \
I don\'t get no respect. \
',' \
I don\'t kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold them above \
globes.  They freak out and yell "Whooa, I\'m *way* too high." \
		-- Bruce Baum \
',' \
I don\'t want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
I finally went to the eye doctor.  I got contacts.  I only need them to \
read, so I got flip-ups. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I \
pushed \'1\' and he just stood there... I said \'Hi, where you going?\'  He \
said, \'Phoenix.\'  So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later the doors \
opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked \
at him and said \'You know, you\'re the kind of guy I want to hang around \
with.\'  We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. \
Then the phone rang.  He said \'You get it.\'  I picked it up and said \
\'Hello?\'... the other side said \'Is this Steven Wright?\'... I said \'Yes...\' \
The guy said \'Hi, I\'m Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank... \
It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you \
attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we \
would just like to know what happened to the money?\'  I said, \'Mr. Jones, \
I\'ll give it to you straight.  I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, \
and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never \
called me again." \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I got my driver\'s license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now \
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and \
farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you can go." \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I got this powdered water -- now I don\'t know what to add. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie \
theater.  So I bought the album.  I got kicked out of a theater the \
other day for bringing my own food in.  I argued that the concession \
stand prices were outrageous.  Besides, I hadn\'t had a barbecue in a \
long time.  I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children \
$2.50.  I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl.  I once took a cab to \
a drive-in movie.  The movie cost me $95. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I had no shoes and I pitied myself.  Then I met a man who had no feet, \
so I took his shoes. \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means \
it\'s going to be up all night. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I have a box of telephone rings under my bed.  Whenever I get lonely, I \
open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call.  One day I dropped the \
box all over the floor.  The phone wouldn\'t stop ringing.  I had to get \
it disconnected.  So I got a new phone.  I didn\'t have much money, so I \
had to get an irregular.  It doesn\'t have a five.  I ran into a friend \
of mine on the street the other day.  He said why don\'t you give me a \
call.  I told him I can\'t call everybody I want to anymore, my phone \
doesn\'t have a five.  He asked how long had it been that way.  I said I \
didn\'t know -- my calendar doesn\'t have any sevens. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I have a dog; I named him Stay.  So when I\'d go to call him, I\'d say, "Here, \
Stay, here..." but he got wise to that.  Now when I call him he ignores me \
and just keeps on typing. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I have a friend whose a billionaire.  He invented Cliff\'s notes.  When \
I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... \
I just... to make a long story short..." \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I have a hobby.  I have the world\'s largest collection of sea shells.  I keep \
it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you\'ve seen some of it. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I have a map of the United States.  It\'s actual size.  I spent last summer \
folding it.  People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died. \
		-- Richard Diran \
',' \
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn\'t do anything.  Every once \
in a while I turn it on and off.  On and off.  On and off.  One day I \
got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I have an existential map.  It has "You are here" written all over it. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident. \
I hit a bookmark. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! \
The answer is twelve?  I think I\'m in the wrong building. \
		-- Charles Schulz \
',' \
I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.  I may not get \
there, but I\'m going first class. \
		-- Art Buchwald \
',' \
"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour!  This is what \
entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils." \
		-- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson \
',' \
I met my latest girl friend in a department store.  She was looking at \
clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I never forget a face, but in your case I\'ll make an exception. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
I poured spot remover on my dog.  Now he\'s gone. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I put contact lenses in my dog\'s eyes.  They had little pictures of cats \
on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
	"I said I hope it is a good party," said Galder, loudly. \
	"AT THE MOMENT IT IS," said Death levelly.  "I THINK IT MIGHT GO \
DOWNHILL VERY QUICKLY AT MIDNIGHT." \
	"Why?" \
	"THAT\'S WHEN THEY THINK I\'LL BE TAKING MY MASK OFF." \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" \
',' \
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I should have been a country-western singer.  After all, I\'m older than \
most western countries. \
		-- George Burns \
',' \
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers -- they\'re going \
to make a game out of it. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full \
house and four people died. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won\'t do too \
much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which \
direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After much \
trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face \
is up. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" \
',' \
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me.  Last week I went to the track \
and they shot my horse with the opening gun. \
 \
Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my \
fortune cookie I found the guy\'s check sitting at the next table.  I said, \
"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks." \
		-- Rodney Dangerfield \
',' \
I think we\'re all Bozos on this bus. \
		-- Firesign Theatre \
',' \
I thought there was something fishy about the butler.  Probably a Pisces, \
working for scale. \
		-- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" \
',' \
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in \
twenty minutes. \
 \
It\'s about Russia. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. \
The weatherman said "I don\'t understand it.  I was supposed to be 80 \
degrees today," and I said "Oops." \
 \
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so \
I never have to go upstairs. \
 \
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in \
front of it in only eight minutes. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I used to live in a house by the freeway.  When I went anywhere, I had \
to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. \
 \
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks \
like I\'m the only one moving. \
 \
I was pulled over for speeding today.  The officer said, "Don\'t you know \
the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?"  And I said, "Yes, but I wasn\'t going \
to be out that long." \
 \
I put a new engine in my car, but didn\'t take the old one out.  Now \
my car goes 500 miles an hour. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn\'t park anywhere near \
the place. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I was at this restaurant.  The sign said "Breakfast Anytime."  So I \
ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn.  By accident I \
put the car key in the door lock.  The house started up.  So I figured \
what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times.  I thought I \
should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to \
get off my driveway." \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live \
around here often?"  She said, "You\'re wearing two different-color socks." \
I said, "Yes, but to me they\'re the same because I go by thickness." \
She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you\'re sitting on a \
chair and you lean back so you\'re just on two legs and you lean too far so \
you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself?  I feel like \
that all the time..." \
		-- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen\'s Quarterly" \
',' \
I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy \
argument about what I considered an Odd number. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I was the best I ever had. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
"I went into a general store, and they wouldn\'t sell me anything specific". \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any \
questions , I said yes, just one, if you\'re in a car traveling at the \
speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? \
 \
He said he couldn\'t answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn\'t work \
for him then. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the \
statues that are in all the other museums." \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment \
had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.  I told my roommate, \
"Isn\'t this amazing?  Everything in the apartment has been stolen and \
replaced with an exact replica."  He said, "Do I know you?" \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me, \
"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
I\'d horsewhip you if I had a horse. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
I\'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, \
above the ground.  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even \
feel it. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
I\'d never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
I\'ll be comfortable on the couch.  Famous last words. \
		-- Lenny Bruce \
',' \
I\'m going to Boston to see my doctor.  He\'s a very sick man. \
		-- Fred Allen \
',' \
I\'m going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I\'m going to Lourdes. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
I\'m going to live forever, or die trying! \
		-- Spider Robinson \
',' \
I\'m not afraid of death -- I just don\'t want to be there when it happens. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
I\'ve had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn\'t it. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would \
have made them cute and furry.  \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
If only Dionysus were alive!  Where would he eat? \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit \
in my name at a Swiss bank. \
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" \
',' \
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few \
people die past the age of a hundred. \
		-- George Burns \
',' \
If you throw a New Year\'s Party, the worst thing that you can do would be \
to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to \
say they had a nice time.  Now you\'ll be be expected to throw another party \
next year. \
	What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake \
up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they\'ve been \
indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a \
recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their \
own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one ... \
	If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, \
unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas \
through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure that \
they don\'t arrest anybody.  Or if they\'re dead set on arresting someone, \
your job is to make sure it isn\'t you ... \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
If you\'ve done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it \
off with dinner at Milliway\'s, the restaurant at the end of the universe? \
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" \
',' \
In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so \
sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow.  All those who \
think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the devil gets her \
pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up as a human sperm, \
please raise your hands.  Thank you. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" \
',' \
In like a dimwit, out like a light. \
		-- Pogo \
',' \
Is it weird in here, or is it just me? \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what \
they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed \
that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so \
much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins \
had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But \
conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more \
intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. \
 \
Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending \
destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to \
alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were \
misinterpreted ... \
		-- Douglas Admas "The Hitchhikers\' Guide To The Galaxy" \
',' \
It is impossible to experience one\'s death objectively and still carry a tune. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
It isn\'t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be \
unhappy. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
It looked like something resembling white marble, which was \
probably what it was: something resembling white marble. \
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" \
',' \
It\'s a small world, but I wouldn\'t want to have to paint it. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
It\'s hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
It\'s not that I\'m afraid to die. I just don\'t want to be there when it happens. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
Last night the power went out.  Good thing my camera had a flash.... \
The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
Last year we drove across the country...  We switched on the driving... \
every half mile.  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. \
I don\'t remember what it was. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. \
		-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" \
',' \
Life is wasted on the living. \
		-- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe. \
',' \
Like you,  I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man\'s \
place in the Scheme of Things.  Here are just a few: \
 \
	Q -- Is there life after death? \
	A -- Definitely.  I speak from personal experience here.  On New \
Year\'s Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", \
then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was \
fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have \
spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful \
headache.  Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back \
to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead.  I \
guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn\'t so bad as long \
as you keep the television turned down and don\'t try to eat any solid foods. \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
Man 1:	Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good joke is. \
 \
Man 2:	OK, what is the most impo -- \
 \
Man 1:	______TIMING! \
',' \
	"Many have seen Topaxci, God of the Red Mushroom, and they earn the \
name of shaman," he said.  Some have seen Skelde, spirit of the smoke, and \
they are called sorcerers.  A few have been privileged to see Umcherrel, the \
soul of the forest, and they are known as spirit masters.  But none have \
seen a box with hundreds of legs that looked at them without eyes, and they \
are known as idio--" \
	The interruption was caused by a sudden screaming noise and a flurry \
of snow and sparks that blew the fire across the dark hut; there was a brief \
blurred vision and then the opposite wall was blasted aside and the \
apparition vanished. \
	There was a long silence.  Then a slightly shorter silence.  Then \
the old shaman said carefully, "You didn\'t just see two men go through \
upside down on a broomstick, shouting and screaming at each other, did you?" \
	The boy looked at him levelly.  "Certainly not," he said. \
	The old man heaved a sigh of relief.  "Thank goodness for that," he \
said.  "Neither did I." \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" \
',' \
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, \
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he \
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how \
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday.... \
		-- Walt Kelly \
',' \
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo \
of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
My friend has a baby.  I\'m writing down all the noises he makes so \
later I can ask him what he meant. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
	My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as \
Africa.  Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. \
We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in \
Africa.  Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule:  Up at \
6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00.  Pretty soon we were back in bed by \
6:30.  Now Africa is full of big game.  The first day I shot two bucks.  That \
was the biggest game we had.  Africa is primerally inhabited by Elks, Moose \
and Knights of Pithiests. \
	The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their \
annual conventions.  And you should see them gathered around the water hole, \
which they leave immediately when they discover it\'s full of water.  They \
weren\'t looking for a water hole.  They were looking for an alck hole. \
	One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my \
pajamas, I don\'t know.  Then we tried to remove the tusks.  That\'s a tough \
word to say, tusks.  As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were \
imbedded so firmly we couldn\'t get them out.  But in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, \
but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. \
	We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren\'t developed. \
So we\'re going back in a few years... \
		-- Julius H. Marx [Groucho] \
',' \
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. \
God -- I\'ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. \
		-- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters" \
',' \
Nirvana?  That\'s the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out. \
		-- Zonker Harris \
',' \
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! \
',' \
Now is the time for all good men to come to. \
		-- Walt Kelly \
',' \
	Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something \
to be avoided than harped upon. \
	Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being \
reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might \
just feel the same way about him and, what\'s more, be able to do something \
about helping to postpone this reunion. \
		-- Douglas Adams \
',' \
One doesn\'t have a sense of humor.  It has you. \
		-- Larry Gelbart \
',' \
Outside of a dog, a book is a man\'s best friend.  Inside a dog it\'s too \
dark to read. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to \
spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to \
indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest \
person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you \
are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other \
passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they \
have plenty of food and water. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" \
',' \
"Right now I\'m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time." \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
Rincewind formed a mental picture of some strange entity living in a castle \
made of teeth.  It was the kind of mental picture you tried to forget. \
Unsuccessfully. \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" \
',' \
Romeo wasn\'t bilked in a day. \
		-- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin\' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo" \
',' \
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off \
during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every \
		   Teen Should Know" \
',' \
Showing up is 80% of life. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you\'re going to celebrate \
it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing \
cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons". \
Well, you can forget it.  If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt, \
the economy would collapse overnight.  The government would have to \
intervene: it would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, \
which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls \
and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force \
jets, killing and maiming thousands.  So, for the good of the nation, you \
should go along with the Holiday Program.  This means you should get a large \
sum of money and go to a mall. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor\'s Guide" \
',' \
SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw \
back my head and gargle.  Just gargle and gargle and I don\'t care who hears \
me because I am beautiful. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. \
		-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly \
',' \
The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. \
Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to \
park in.  Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also \
dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big \
difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES.  You\'re allowed to \
do anything.  You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. \
I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup \
truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" \
on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the \
accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, \
whereas I was neither.  This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall \
parking lots. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor\'s Guide" \
',' \
The best cure for insomnia is to get a  lot of sleep. \
		-- W. C. Fields \
',' \
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them \
is a match. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
The buffalo isn\'t as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. \
Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in \
automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. \
		-- Art Buchwald \
',' \
The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all \
who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. \
		-- Benjamin Franklin. \
',' \
	The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on \
the subject of towels. \
	Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value.  For \
some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel \
with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a \
toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc.  Furthermore, \
the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or \
a dozen other items that he may have "lost".  After all, any man who can \
hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, \
win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be \
reckoned with. \
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy" \
',' \
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn\'t me. \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
	"The pyramid is opening!" \
	"Which one?" \
	"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" \
		-- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At \
		   Once When You\'re Not Anywhere At All" \
',' \
		The Three Major Kind of Tools \
 \
* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or \
jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a \
manner that they function perfectly.  (These are your hammers, maces, \
bludgeons, and truncheons.) \
 \
* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot.  (Awls) \
 \
* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far \
greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. \
(Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses \
any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" \
',' \
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull \
by the tail and face the situation. \
		-- W.C. Fields \
',' \
There\'s no easy quick way out, we\'re gonna have to live through our \
whole lives, win, lose, or draw. \
		-- Walt Kelly \
',' \
There\'s so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is \
becoming an endangered synthetic. \
		-- Lily Tomlin \
',' \
Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
This land is full of trousers! \
this land is full of mausers! \
	And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! \
		-- Firesign Theater \
',' \
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. \
		-- The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy \
',' \
TOO BAD YOU CAN\'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin \
real fast and freak everybody out. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. \
		-- Walt Kelly \
',' \
We have met the enemy, and he is us. \
		-- Walt Kelly \
',' \
We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities. \
		-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" \
',' \
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I \
definitely overpaid for my carpet. \
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" \
',' \
What if nothing exists and we\'re all in somebody\'s dream?  Or what\'s worse, \
what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? \
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" \
',' \
What is comedy?  Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making \
them puke. \
		-- Steve Martin \
',' \
	"What shall we do?" said Twoflower. \
	"Panic?" said Rincewind hopefully.  He always held that panic was \
the best means of survival; back in the olden days, his theory went, people \
faced with hungry sabretoothed tigers could be divided very simply into \
those who panicked and those who stood there saying "What a magnificent \
brute!" and "Here, pussy." \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" \
',' \
What\'s another word for "thesaurus"? \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if \
I had any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?" \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I\'d get. \
		-- Rodney Dangerfield \
',' \
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. \
I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what \
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. \
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith \
',' \
Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song? \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
Will Rogers never met you. \
',' \
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... \
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your \
head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
Would you *______really* want to get on a non-stop flight? \
		-- George Carlin \
',' \
You can\'t have everything.  Where would you put it? \
		-- Steven Wright \
',' \
	"You know, it\'s at times like this when I\'m trapped in a Vogon \
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in \
deep space that I really wish I\'d listened to what my mother told me \
when I was young!" \
	"Why, what did she tell you?" \
	"I don\'t know, I didn\'t listen." \
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy" \
',' \
You may already be a loser. \
		-- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield. \
',' \
You\'d better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can\'t get a taxi, you \
can leave in a huff.  If that\'s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
You\'re a good example of why some animals eat their young. \
		-- Jim Samuels to a heckler \
 \
Ah, yes.  I remember my first beer. \
		-- Steve Martin to a heckler \
 \
When your IQ rises to 28, sell. \
		-- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler \
',' \
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no \
responsibility at the other. \
',' \
A baby is God\'s opinion that the world should go on. \
		-- Carl Sandburg \
',' \
A child of five could understand this!  Fetch me a child of five. \
',' \
A kid\'ll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. \
',' \
A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I\'m bad \
right?"  And Santa says, "Yes, I do."  The little kid then asks, "And you \
know when I\'m sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the \
little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I\'m bad and when I\'m good, \
then how come you don\'t know what I want for Christmas?" \
',' \
	A young married couple had their first child.  Their original pride \
and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the \
child had never uttered any form of speech.  They hired the best speech \
therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail.  The child simply refused \
to speak.  One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading \
the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from \
his bowl and said, "My cereal\'s cold." \
	The couple is stunned.  The man, in tears, confronts his son.  "Son, \
after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". \
	Shrugs the kid, "Everything\'s been okay \'til now". \
',' \
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of \
the plain people is the stork. \
',' \
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that they escaped \
teething. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ... \
		-- Gilda Radner \
',' \
	After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient \
earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several  \
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. \
	"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I\'m just looking for a \
name for my baby." \
	"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds \
of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. \
	"That won\'t help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first name." \
',' \
And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower.  "This," cried the Mayor, \
"is your town\'s darkest hour!  The time for all Whos who have blood that is red \
to come to the aid of their country!" he said.  "We\'ve GOT to make noises in \
greater amounts!  So, open your mouth, lad!  For every voice counts!"  Thus he \
spoke as he climbed.  When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and \
he shouted out, "YOPP!"  \
	And that Yopp...  That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! \
Finally, at last!  From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! \
They rang out clear and clean.  And they elephant smiled.  "Do you see what \
I mean?" They\'ve proved they ARE persons, no matter how small.  And their \
whole world was saved by the smallest of All!" \
	"How true!  Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo.  "And, from now \
on, you know what I\'m planning to do?  From now on, I\'m going to protect \
them with you!"  And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO!  From \
the sun in the summer.  From rain when it\'s fall-ish, I\'m going to protect \
them.  No matter how small-ish!" \
		-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" \
',' \
Any father who thinks he\'s all important should remind himself that this \
country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week. \
',' \
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never \
tried taking candy from a baby. \
		-- Robin Hood \
',' \
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to \
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more... \
 \
	Are you sure you\'re telling the truth?  Think hard. \
	Does it make you happy to know you\'re sending me to an early grave? \
	If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too? \
	Do you feel bad?  How do you think I feel? \
	Aren\'t you ashamed of yourself? \
	Don\'t you know any better? \
	How could you be so stupid? \
	If that\'s the worst pain you\'ll ever feel, you should be thankful. \
	You can\'t fool me.  I know what you\'re thinking. \
	If you can\'t say anything nice, say nothing at all. \
',' \
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to \
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more... \
 \
	Do as I say, not as I do. \
	Do me a favour and don\'t tell me about it.  I don\'t want to know. \
	What did you do *this* time? \
	If it didn\'t taste bad, it wouldn\'t be good for you. \
	When I was your age... \
	I won\'t love you if you keep doing that. \
	Think of all the starving children in India. \
	If there\'s one thing I hate, it\'s a liar. \
	I\'m going to kill you. \
	Way to go, clumsy. \
	If you don\'t like it, you can lump it. \
',' \
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to \
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more... \
 \
	Go away.  You bother me. \
	Why?   Because life is unfair. \
	That\'s a nice drawing.  What is it? \
	Children should be seen and not heard. \
	You\'ll be the death of me. \
	You\'ll understand when you\'re older. \
	Because. \
	Wipe that smile off your face. \
	I don\'t believe you. \
	How many times have I told you to be careful? \
	Just beacuse. \
',' \
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to \
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more... \
 \
	Good children always obey. \
	Quit acting so childish. \
	Boys don\'t cry. \
	If you keep making faces, someday it\'ll freeze that way. \
	Why do you have to know so much? \
	This hurts me more than it hurts you. \
	Why?  Because I\'m bigger than you. \
	Well, you\'ve ruined everything.  Now are you happy? \
	Oh, grow up. \
	I\'m only doing this because I love you. \
',' \
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to \
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more... \
 \
	When are you going to grow up? \
	I\'m only doing this for your own good. \
	Why are you crying?  Stop crying, or I\'ll give you something to \
		cry about. \
	What\'s wrong with you? \
	Someday you\'ll thank me for this. \
	You\'d lose your head if it weren\'t attached. \
	Don\'t you have any sense at all? \
	If you keep sucking your thumb, it\'ll fall off. \
	Why?  Because I said so. \
	I hope you have a kid just like yourself. \
',' \
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to \
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more... \
 \
	You wouldn\'t understand. \
	You ask too many questions. \
	In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders. \
	That\'s for me to know and you to find out. \
	Don\'t let those bullies push you around.  Go in there and stick \
		up for yourself. \
	You\'re acting too big for your britches. \
	Well, you broke it.  Now are you satisfied? \
	Wait till your father gets home. \
	Bored?  If you\'re bored, I\'ve got some chores for you. \
	Shape up or ship out. \
',' \
Article the Third: \
	Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should \
	enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change.  Public announcements and \
	guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary. \
Article the Fourth: \
	The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee" \
	and not the "feeder".  Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder\'s \
	face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war. \
Article the Fifth: \
	Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church, \
	a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the \
	lights are out.  They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have \
	to last a lifetime and must be conserved. \
		-- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby\'s Bill of Rights" \
',' \
Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will. \
',' \
Because we don\'t think about future generations, they will never forget us. \
		-- Henrik Tikkanen \
',' \
Billy:	Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from \
	generation to generation? \
Mom:	Yes? \
Billy:	Well, this generation dropped it. \
',' \
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, \
since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. \
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist\'s Almanac" \
',' \
	Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio, \
the father spanked them.  His wife asked, "Don\'t you love your children?" \
"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete." \
',' \
Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so. \
',' \
Children are like cats, they can tell when you don\'t like them.  That\'s \
when they come over and violate your body space. \
',' \
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every \
effort to teach them good manners. \
',' \
Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they\'re \
going to catch you in next. \
		-- Franklin P. Jones \
',' \
Children begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them. \
Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for \
word what you shouldn\'t have said. \
',' \
Children\'s talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. \
		-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" \
',' \
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling \
the walk before it stops snowing. \
		-- Phyllis Diller \
 \
There is no need to do any housework at all.  After the first four years \
the dirt doesn\'t get any worse. \
		-- Quentin Crisp \
',' \
Delusions are often functional. A mother\'s opinions about her children\'s \
beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning \
them at birth. \
',' \
Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. \
		-- Robert Heinlein \
',' \
Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn\'t have any children, \
neither will you. \
',' \
For adult education nothing beats children. \
',' \
For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don\'t come back. \
',' \
FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 \
 \
	"And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" \
		-- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965 \
',' \
FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 \
 \
	"Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don\'t come running to me!" \
		-- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954 \
',' \
Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children! \
',' \
			-- Gifts for Children -- \
 \
This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children, \
because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months and \
months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning \
cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children exactly what \
they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If your child thinks \
he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you\'d \
better get it.  You may be worried that it might help to encourage your \
child\'s antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial \
tendencies until you\'ve seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not \
get the right gift. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor\'s Guide" \
',' \
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters \
needs pounding. \
',' \
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. \
',' \
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. \
		-- Martin Mull \
',' \
How sharper than a serpent\'s tooth is a sister\'s "See?" \
		-- Linus Van Pelt \
',' \
"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you\'ve run wild and insisted on \
chatting with persons who\'ve never existed.  Such carryings-on in our peaceable \
jungle!  We\'ve had quite enough of you bellowing bungle!  And I\'m here to \
state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all \
through!"  And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" \
	"With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham \
Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I\'ve engaged, \
You\'re going to be roped!  And you\'re going to be caged!  And, as for your dust \
speck...  Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-Nut oil!" \
		-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" \
',' \
I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always \
end up saying, "Don\'t forget the thick heavy brows."  Then they would get \
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and \
they\'d get mad and eat the snowman. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. \
They\'re still living in the fifties. \
		-- Strange de Jim \
',' \
	I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is \
the sky blue?" \
	HE asked me about black holes in space. \
	(There\'s a hole *where*?) \
 \
	I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" \
	HE wanted to discuss nature\'s food chains. \
	(Well, let\'s see, there\'s ShopRite, Pathmark...) \
 \
	I talked about Choo-Choo trains. \
	HE talked internal combustion engines. \
	(The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") \
 \
	I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete \
as equals. \
	HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create \
the graphics. \
 \
	Then puberty struck.  Ah, adolescence. \
	HE said, "Mom, I just don\'t understand women." \
	(Gotcha!) \
		-- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" \
',' \
I hate babies.  They\'re so human. \
		-- H.H. Munro \
',' \
I know what "custody" [of the children] means.  "Get even."  That\'s all \
custody means.  Get even with your old lady. \
		-- Lenny Bruce \
',' \
I love children.  Especially when they cry -- for then someone takes them away. \
		-- Nancy Mitford \
',' \
I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a \
letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished \
words and an implicit sense of her departure.  It\'s so curious: one can \
resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But \
then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices \
that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or \
a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. \
		-- Letters From Colette \
',' \
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid.  I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid\'s \
picture that came with the wallet he bought. \
		-- Rodney Dangerfield \
',' \
I told my kids, "Someday, you\'ll have kids of your own."  One of them said, \
"So will you." \
		-- Rodney Dangerfield \
',' \
I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because \
I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no \
more mature than I am. \
',' \
I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn\'t know \
anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is \
a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn\'t \
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. \
',' \
If parents would only realize how they bore their children. \
		-- G.B. Shaw \
',' \
If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. \
		-- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn" \
',' \
If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. \
		-- Chief Dan George \
',' \
If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. \
		-- Bette Davis \
',' \
If your mother knew what you\'re doing, she\'d probably hang her head and cry. \
',' \
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids. \
',' \
It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. \
',' \
It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. \
		-- Kingsley Amis \
',' \
It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. \
		-- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard \
',' \
It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions \
that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that \
starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed. \
		-- Arthur Binstead \
',' \
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. \
',' \
It\'s never too late to have a happy childhood. \
',' \
Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on. \
',' \
Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents.  If you could \
travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the \
original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate \
teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for \
grubs and berries like dad primate.  Then you\'d see the primate \
teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don\'t Know Dum Diddly Do" \
',' \
Lies!  All lies!  You\'re all lying against my boys! \
		-- Ma Barker \
',' \
Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. \
It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies. \
',' \
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality. \
',' \
Life is like a diaper -- short and loaded. \
',' \
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. \
Life is the other way around. \
		-- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down" \
',' \
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. \
		-- Jules Feiffer \
',' \
May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters. \
',' \
May you have many handsome and obedient sons. \
',' \
MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me.  I \
remember we\'d all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and \
drive and drive. \
 \
I\'m not sure where we\'d go, but I think there were some bees there. The \
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we \
played.  I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad."  We\'d eat \
some stuff or not and then I think we went home. \
 \
I guess some things never leave you. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
Microwaves frizz your heir. \
',' \
My boy is a mean kid.  I came home the other day and saw him taping worms \
to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.  Well, \
only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with \
a bulls-eye on the back. \
 \
I told my kids, "Someday, you\'ll have kids of your own."  One of them \
said, "So will you." \
		-- Rodney Dangerfield \
',' \
My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. \
		-- Iphicrates \
',' \
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) \
"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." \
For years I tried smart.  I recommend pleasant. \
		-- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey" \
',' \
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" \
		-- Sue Murphy \
',' \
My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife. \
		-- Friday \
',' \
My parents went to Niagara Falls and all I got was this crummy life. \
',' \
My ritual differs slightly.  What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I \
hop into the shower stall.  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped \
in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot \
character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off \
of while he showers.  Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog, \
Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful \
dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants \
to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear \
in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind \
-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new \
part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift.  Then I hop \
right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children \
have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don\'t -- has chosen \
exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets.  Perhaps several of them. \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be \
tolerated until they acquire some sense. \
		-- William Phelps \
',' \
Never have children, only grandchildren. \
		-- Gore Vidal \
',' \
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. \
		-- Erma Bombeck \
',' \
Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection \
unprotected. \
		-- Robert Orben \
',' \
Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. \
',' \
No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets. \
',' \
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for \
signs of improvement. \
		-- Florida Scott-Maxwell \
',' \
Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order \
for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of \
their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. \
		-- Lewis Lapham \
',' \
	On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick \
tomatoes.  Back in April I\'d have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August \
they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks.  So I picked up one and threw \
it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato \
at my brother.  He whipped one back at me.  We ducked down by the vines, \
heaving tomatoes at each other.  My sister, who was a good person, said, \
"You\'re going to get it."  She bent over and kept on picking. \
	What a target!  She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over, \
she looked like the side of a barn. \
	I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground.  It looked like it \
had sat there a week.  The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it, \
and it was very juicy.  I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, \
when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice.  I had \
to decide quickly.  I decided. \
	A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat \
man doing a belly-flop.  With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after \
faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain \
me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice.  And my sister, who was a \
good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears.  I guess she knew that \
the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing \
a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end. \
		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" \
',' \
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. \
		-- George Herbert \
',' \
One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old \
enough to give you presents they make at school. \
		-- Robert Byrne \
',' \
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. \
',' \
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. \
',' \
Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn\'t have \
much of anything to do with it. \
',' \
Please, Mother!  I\'d rather do it myself! \
',' \
Reinhart was never his mother\'s favorite -- and he was an only child. \
		-- Thomas Berger \
',' \
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when \
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" \
',' \
Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore \
them long enough. \
',' \
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth \
to a child.  She must be found and stopped. \
		-- Sam Levenson \
',' \
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they grow up, \
they won\'t be able to edge a car onto a freeway. \
',' \
Test-tube babies shouldn\'t throw stones. \
',' \
That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. \
		-- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde" \
',' \
The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. \
',' \
	The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the \
judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him. \
Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and \
ceremoniously handed it to the defendant. \
	"Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist.  "You have just become a \
father!" \
',' \
The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older \
people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood. \
		-- Logan Pearsall Smith \
',' \
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable \
Christian forbearance among men. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half \
by our children. \
		-- Clarence Darrow \
',' \
The full impact of parenthood doesn\'t hit you until you multiply the \
number of your kids by thirty-two teeth. \
',' \
The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors. \
',' \
The good die young -- because they see it\'s no use living if you\'ve got \
to be good. \
		-- John Barrymore \
',' \
The idea is to die young as late as possible. \
		-- Ashley Montague \
',' \
The modern child will answer you back before you\'ve said anything. \
		-- Laurence J. Peter \
',' \
"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon." \
		-- Charles Schulz, "Things I\'ve Had to Learn Over and \
		   Over and Over" \
',' \
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. \
',' \
The real reason large families benefit society is because at least \
a few of the children in the world shouldn\'t be raised by beginners. \
',' \
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four \
and eighteen.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers. \
',' \
"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." \
		-- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" \
',' \
There\'s no point in being grown up if you can\'t be childish sometimes. \
		-- Dr. Who \
',' \
There\'s nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won\'t aggravate. \
',' \
Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. \
',' \
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. \
',' \
	Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the \
ocean.  After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, \
"We\'ve taught our boy everything we know, he\'s fit to be tide." \
',' \
We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized \
before we are fit to participate in society. \
		-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners\' Guide to Excruciatingly \
		   Correct Behaviour" \
',' \
We are the people our parents warned us about. \
',' \
What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few of \
us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once were, \
long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that \
impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can\'t get \
enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit till \
at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn\'t he look \
peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all the wars \
and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and discovery in \
life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond their grasp \
before they were five years old. \
		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" \
',' \
What\'s done to children, they will do to society. \
',' \
When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. \
		-- Brian Aldiss \
',' \
When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.  By the time I was \
20, he had made great improvement. \
',' \
When you were born, a big chance was taken for you. \
',' \
Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? \
',' \
Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? Just \
picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your children \
open their old-fashioned presents. \
 \
Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" \
 \
You:	"A spinning top!  You spin it around, and then eventually it falls \
down.  What fun!  Ha, ha!" \
 \
Son:	"Is this a joke?  Jason Thompson\'s parents got him a computer with  \
two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, and I get this  \
cretin TOP?" \
 \
Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that\'s bad?  Look at this." \
 \
You:	"It\'s figgy pudding!  What a treat!" \
 \
Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." \
		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" \
',' \
You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have, \
for instance. \
		-- Franklin P. Jones \
',' \
"You can\'t expect a mother to be with a small child all the time," Margaret \
Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 she shocked \
feminists by snapping that women don\'t really have children to put them in \
day care twelve hours a day, either. \
		-- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage" \
',' \
You can\'t hug a child with nuclear arms. \
',' \
Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine.  You \
need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion \
picture star.  If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use \
the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified \
success. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" \
',' \
Youth is such a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on children. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
Youth is the trustee of posterity. \
',' \
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is \
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. \
',' \
Youth.  It\'s a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it. \
',' \
A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing \
into trees.  At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same \
forest, with identical results.  They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing. \
	"Please excuse me, sir, I\'m blind and I bumped into you accidentally," \
apologized the rabbit. \
	"That\'s quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same \
problem!" \
	"All my life I\'ve been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do \
you think you could help me find out?" \
	"I\'ll try," said the snake.  He gently coiled himself around the \
rabbit. "Well, you\'re covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail \
and long ears.  You\'re... hmmm... you\'re probably a bunny rabbit!" \
	"Great!" said the rabbit.  "Thanks, I really owe you one!" \
	"Well," replied the snake, "I don\'t know what I am, either.  Do you \
suppose you could try and tell me?" \
	The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake.  "Well, you\'re low, cold \
and slimey..."  And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have \
no balls.  You must be an attorney!" \
',' \
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe\'s bar for some \
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender.  One \
evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through \
the back door.  Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when \
the door slammed shut, severing the cat\'s tail at its base.  This proved too \
much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. \
	Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. \
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up \
after the last customers had gone.  Approaching the back door he was startled \
to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, \
silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could \
go on to the kitty afterworld complete. \
	Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can\'t.  You know \
the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." \
',' \
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. \
		-- Ben Franklin \
',' \
A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested \
waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The \
lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks.  "Professional \
courtesy," he explained. \
',' \
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to \
a fund for his funeral.  The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate \
a shilling.  "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury \
an attorney?  Here\'s a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." \
',' \
A friend of mine won\'t get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he \
hates his wife. \
',' \
	A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did \
for a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do \
all day?" \
	Tim stood up and proudly said, "She\'s a doctor." \
	"That\'s wonderful.  How about you, Amie?" \
	Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a \
mailman." \
	"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?" \
	Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a \
whorehouse." \
	The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. \
Later that day she went to Billy\'s house and rang the bell.  Billy\'s father \
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded \
an explanation. \
	Billy\'s father replied, "Well, I\'m really an attorney.  But how do \
you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?" \
',' \
	A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. \
	The housewife replied, "Four!". \
	The accountant said, "It\'s either 3 or 4.  Let me run those figures \
through my spread sheet one more time." \
	The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a \
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" \
',' \
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. \
		-- Robert Frost \
',' \
	A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had \
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he \
would like on it.  "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the \
lawyer. \
	"Sorry, but I can\'t do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this \
state, it\'s against the law to bury two people in the same grave.  However, \
I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer\'\', if that would be okay." \
	"But that won\'t let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. \
	"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it \
and exclaim, "That\'s Strange!" \
',' \
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in \
his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and \
exceptional ability in that particular field." \
',' \
	A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in \
his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional \
ability in that particular field." \
',' \
	A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, \
"Do you serve lawyers here?". \
	"Sure do," replied the bartender. \
	"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I\'ll have a lawyer for \
my \'gator." \
',' \
	A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the \
movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the \
right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. \
',' \
A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the \
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. \
',' \
A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may \
not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized rosewater. \
',' \
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. \
',' \
According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope\'s Digest:  "No person \
shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than \
fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening \
of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of \
the returns." \
',' \
According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least \
once a year. \
',' \
After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European \
comparative law.  In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, \
except that which is permitted.  In France, under the law, everything \
is permitted, except that which is prohibited.  In the Soviet Union, \
under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is \
permitted.  And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, \
especially that which is prohibited. \
		-- Newton Minow, \
		Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985 \
',' \
	After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from \
Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, \
and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon \
to be created." \
	"This is true," He replied. \
	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. \
	"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the \
right to make his laws?" \
	"Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to \
make his own." \
	It was so granted. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment \
to a motion may not be amended.  However, a substitute for an amendment to \
and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. \
		-- The Montana legislature\'s contribution to the English \
		language. \
',' \
An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder. \
"Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover\'s mutilated body into \
a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.  Just north of Tijuana a cop \
spotted her hand sticking out of the suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress \
that my client is *___not* a murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..." \
',' \
An English judge, growing weary of the barrister\'s long-winded summation, \
leaned over the bench and remarked, "I\'ve heard your arguments, Sir \
Geoffrey, and I\'m none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey responded, "That may be, \
Milord, but at least you\'re better informed!" \
',' \
And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought \
he was melting... \
',' \
Another day, another dollar. \
		-- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, \
		   upon Hinckley\'s acquittal for shooting President Ronald \
		   Reagan. \
',' \
Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. \
',' \
Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole \
or street lamp. \
',' \
Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court\'s Miranda \
decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a \
lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don\'t have many \
suspects who are innocent of a crime.  That\'s contradictory.  If a person \
is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect." \
		-- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85 \
',' \
Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse \
the issue afterwards. \
',' \
Behold the warranty -- the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away. \
',' \
Being a miner, as soon as you\'re too old and tired and sick and stupid to \
do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with \
the judges. \
		-- Beyond the Fringe \
',' \
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. \
',' \
... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be \
proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge \
to mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women  \
were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still  \
unimpeachable.  The judges\' decisions based on it were sound in logic and  \
in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than \
the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If \
there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute \
of value. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and \
trousers that don\'t match. \
',' \
Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the \
most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion.  A judge of the Court of \
Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which \
reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression \
nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would \
but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground \
nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." \
		-- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973 \
',' \
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. \
',' \
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How\'s it going?", someone \
asked him, after a few days. \
	"Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." \
',' \
[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are \
two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: \
 \
(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and \
    confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold \
    a press conference where you announce that they have a street value \
    of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, \
    including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana \
    cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker \
    factory puts them there. \
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you \
    announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a \
    piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always \
    get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to \
    state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie \
    where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a \
    fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and \
    vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong \
    impression. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography" \
',' \
District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape \
injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any \
damage inflicted on the vehicle. \
',' \
Divorce is a game played by lawyers. \
		-- Cary Grant \
',' \
Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with \
little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. \
		-- Roy G. Blount, Jr. \
',' \
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North \
Carolina. \
',' \
First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. \
But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. \
Dial-A-Wombat. \
	It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone \
call: "You won\'t believe this, and I\'m not drunk, but there\'s a wombat in the \
phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. \
	Not firmly convinced about the caller\'s claim to sobriety, members of \
the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. \
	But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. \
	The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its \
bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. \
	Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in \
another phone booth. \
	There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. \
	The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and \
released it, too, in the scrub. \
	But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another \
telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. \
	After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, \
and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. \
	Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in \
telephone booths. \
		-- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980. \
',' \
For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. \
		-- Gore Vidal \
',' \
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief \
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he\'d finally managed an \
affair with the innkeeper\'s daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting \
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped \
short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! \
	"Helen, why didn\'t you write when you learned you were pregnant?" \
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, \
and the baby would have my name!" \
	"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, \
we sat up all night talkin\' and talkin\' and finally decided it would be \
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." \
',' \
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: \
 \
It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and \
supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to \
more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant \
negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a \
negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive \
as that in support of an affirmative. \
		-- 254 Pac. Rep. 472. \
',' \
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: \
 \
We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be \
left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it \
seems to us that someone has been very careless. \
		-- 78 So. 365. \
',' \
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: \
 \
We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" \
may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine \
species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female \
of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two \
revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think \
it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. \
		-- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466. \
',' \
Fortune\'s Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): \
	No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this \
State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed \
with a club.  The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females \
weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it \
apply to female horses. \
',' \
Fortune\'s nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful \
Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an \
impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and \
clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following \
exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. \
 \
DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are \
	 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. \
HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature\'s oysters? \
DINGELL: They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter \
	 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out \
	 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large \
	 amounts of fertilization ... \
HOFFMAN: Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many \
	 teenagers who read The Congressional Record. \
',' \
Fortune\'s Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: \
 \
Q:  Are you married? \
A:  No, I\'m divorced. \
Q:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him? \
A:  A lot of things I didn\'t know about. \
',' \
Fortune\'s Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: \
 \
Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? \
A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. \
',' \
Fortune\'s Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25: \
 \
Q:  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, \
    and you didn\'t scream? \
A:  No ma\'am. \
Q:  Does that mean you consented? \
A:  No, ma\'am.  That means I was unconscious. \
',' \
Fortune\'s Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: \
 \
THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present \
	   information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ... \
',' \
Fortune\'s Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: \
 \
Q:  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? \
A:  I will be three months November 8th. \
Q:  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? \
A:  Yes. \
Q:  What were you and your husband doing at that time? \
',' \
Fortune\'s Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: \
 \
Q:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears? \
A:  No. \
Q:  What was he doing with the dog\'s ears? \
A:  Picking them up in the air. \
Q:  Where was the dog at this time? \
A:  Attached to the ears. \
',' \
Fortune\'s Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: \
 \
Q:  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were \
    able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to \
    go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with \
    him to the station? \
MR. BROOKS:  Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot. \
',' \
Fortune\'s Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: \
 \
Q:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? \
A:  By death. \
Q:  And by whose death was it terminated? \
',' \
Fortune\'s Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: \
 \
Q:  What is your name? \
A:  Ernestine McDowell. \
Q:  And what is your marital status? \
A:  Fair. \
',' \
Fortune\'s Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: \
 \
Q:  What happened then? \
A:  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." \
Q:  Did he kill you? \
A:  No. \
',' \
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman\'s tie. \
',' \
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning \
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this \
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a  \
dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little  \
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours \
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" \
',' \
Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked \
out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. \
		-- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out \
		   of the American Bar Association \
',' \
	God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences \
once and for all. \
	When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you \
think you\'re going to find a lawyer?" \
',' \
Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of \
those who govern.  The machinery of government is always subordinate to the \
will of those who administer that machinery.  The most important element of \
government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. \
		-- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" \
',' \
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. \
',' \
"Hi, I\'m Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you \
can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height \
on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car \
or a job?  Do you ever walk around?  If so, you probably have the makings of \
an excellent legal case.  Although of course every case is different, I \
would definitely say that based on my experience and training, there\'s no \
reason why you shouldn\'t come out of this thing with at least a cabin \
cruiser. \
 \
"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our motto \
is: \'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.\'" \
		-- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" \
',' \
	Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. \
',' \
	How do you insult a lawyer? \
	You might as well not even try.  Consider: of all the highly \
trained and educated professions, law is the only one in which the prime \
lesson is that *winning* is more important than *truth*. \
	Once someone has sunk to that level, what worse can you say about them? \
',' \
HR 3128.  Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986.  Martin, R-Ill., motion \
that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making \
changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.  The Senate amendment \
was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House \
amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill.  The original Senate amendment \
was the conference agreement on the bill.  Agreed to. \
		-- Albuquerque Journal \
',' \
Humor in th Court: \
Q: Do you drink when you\'re on duty? \
A: I don\'t drink when I\'m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.? What school do  \
    you go to? \
A.  Oral. \
Q.  How old are you? \
A.  Oral. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of? \
A.  My ex-widow said it. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? \
A.  I refuse to answer that question. \
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? \
A.  I refuse to answer that question. \
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? \
A.  No. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? \
A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q.  How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? \
A.  Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,  \
    and said he was really good. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition  \
    notice which I sent to your attorney? \
A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? \
A.  I should be. \
Q.  How many times have you comitted suicide? \
A.  Four times. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? \
A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn\'t pronunciate his words. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q.  Were you aquainted with the deceased? \
A.  Yes, sir. \
Q.  Before or after he died? \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q.  What is your brother-in-law\'s name? \
A.  Borofkin. \
Q.  What\'s his first name? \
A.  I can\'t remember. \
Q.  He\'s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can\'t remember his first  \
    name? \
A.  No.  I tell you I\'m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and \
    pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God\'s sake, tell them your first \
    name! \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q: (Showing man picture.) That\'s you? \
A: Yes, sir. \
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right? \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q: ...and what did he do then? \
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. \
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial  \
   instead of an attempted murder trial? \
A: The victim lived. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? \
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q: Are you sexually active? \
A: No, I just lie there. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing? \
A: I could see his head. \
Q: And where was his head? \
A: Just above his shoulders. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities? \
A: He didn\'t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was \
   a victim? \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe \
   with respect to your scalp? \
A: I didn\'t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. \
Q: It was covered? \
A: Yes, bandaged. \
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see? \
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top \
   of my head. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective  \
   witness, isn\'t it. You too were shot in the fracas? \
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? \
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she\'d kill that sonofabitch--and  \
   she did! \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present? \
A: It indicates intercourse. \
Q: Male sperm? \
A. That is the only kind I know. \
',' \
Humor in the Court: \
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? \
A: She is my daughter. \
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? \
',' \
I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. \
		-- Fratianno \
',' \
I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some \
kind of loophole. \
		-- Leo Kessler \
',' \
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the \
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which \
I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving \
are worth considering, to wit: \
 \
[110.13]: \
       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not \
        to interfere with oncoming traffic." \
 \
[22.17b]: \
       "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience.  The best \
        recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] \
        game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it \
        on the highway." \
 \
[41.16]: \
       "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid\'s really \
        asking for it." \
',' \
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the \
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which \
I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving \
are worth considering, to wit: \
 \
[131.16d]: \
       "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle \
        inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making \
        a U-turn on a divided highway." \
 \
[96.7b]: \
       "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the \
        quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are \
        traveling more than 60 MPH." \
 \
[110.13]: \
       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not \
        to interfere with oncoming traffic." \
',' \
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the \
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which \
I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving \
are worth considering, to wit: \
 \
[173.15b]: \
	"When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember \
        that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way." \
 \
[141.2a]: \
       "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6\' car into a 6\' \
        parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6\' car into \
        a 5\' parking space." \
 \
[105.31]: \
       "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. \
        Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong." \
',' \
I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals.  I \
don\'t respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected \
with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, \
the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier \
in the summer. \
		-- Brendan Behan \
',' \
	Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart \
a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. \
',' \
If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it \
is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. \
		-- Joseph C. Goulden \
',' \
If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the \
separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, \
it might well prolong his life. \
		-- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877 \
',' \
"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think \
little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and \
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination." \
		-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) \
',' \
If reporters don\'t know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. \
		-- Tom Wicker \
',' \
If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three \
years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law \
school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. \
		-- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method \
',' \
	In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to \
his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let\'s \
kill all the lawyers."  That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment \
was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. \
Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, \
Connellan attributed a measure of America\'s falling productivity to an excess \
of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts.  Lawyers \
and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure \
out how the pie gets divided.  Neither profession provides any added value \
to product." \
	According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has \
10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population.  The U.S. has 200 \
lawyers and 700 accountants.  This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of \
pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack."  Could Dick Butcher have \
been an efficiency expert? \
		-- Motor Trend, May 1983 \
',' \
In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own \
at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. \
',' \
In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. \
',' \
In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle \
a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order \
to get her attention. \
',' \
In Corning, Iowa, it\'s a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride \
in any motor vehicle. \
',' \
In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. \
',' \
In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. \
',' \
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on \
the sidewalks when a concert is on. \
',' \
In Lexington, Kentucky, it\'s illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket. \
',' \
In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any \
pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while \
either flying or waiting to board a plane. \
',' \
	In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless \
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red \
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. \
',' \
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as \
to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the \
speaker\'s stand, you can be fined $25.00. \
',' \
In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds \
and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. \
',' \
In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying \
of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view." \
',' \
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that \
is over six feet in length. \
',' \
In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a \
moving automobile. \
',' \
In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a \
loaf of bread.  However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to \
you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty \
lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy.  If you stole a dog \
and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it \
was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. \
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist\'s Almanac" \
',' \
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without \
the supervision of a licensed engineer. \
',' \
In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse \
along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. \
',' \
It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of \
indulgence for infanticide.  A question of interest, my dear Sir!  The jury \
is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim \
of infanticide. \
		-- Edmond About \
',' \
It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of \
Urbana, Illinois. \
',' \
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood \
Boulevard at one time. \
',' \
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. \
',' \
It is Mr. Mellon\'s credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong.  Our \
offense consists in doubting it. \
		-- Justice Robert H. Jackson \
',' \
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, \
each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other \
has gone. \
',' \
	It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air \
balloon to cross the United States.  After forty hours in the air, George \
turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we\'ve drifted off course!  We \
need to find out where we are." \
	Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the \
cloud cover.  Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man \
standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me!  Can you please tell me \
where we are?" \
	The man on the ground yells back, "You\'re in a balloon, approximately \
fifty feet in the air!" \
	George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". \
	Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". \
	"Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally \
useless!" \
 \
That\'s the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about \
George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the \
New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". \
',' \
It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality. \
		-- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio \
',' \
It\'s illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. \
',' \
It\'s recently come to Fortune\'s attention that scientists have stopped \
using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys.  Seems that there are not \
only more of them, but you don\'t get so emotionally attached.  The only \
difficulty is that it\'s sometimes difficult to apply the experimental \
results to humans. \
 \
	[Also, there are some things even a rat won\'t do.  Ed.] \
',' \
Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that \
reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away \
someone else\'s cash. \
		-- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" \
',' \
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to \
twelve people that weren\'t smart enough to get out of jury duty! \
',' \
Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to \
wear tail lights. \
',' \
Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through \
any of its streets. \
',' \
Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers? \
 \
-- No? \
 \
GOOD! \
',' \
Laws are like sausages.  It\'s better not to see them being made. \
		-- Otto von Bismarck \
',' \
Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: \
	"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour \
unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a \
drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can." \
',' \
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. \
',' \
Let\'s say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick \
your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as \
Mental Anguish.  You would sue: \
 \
* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions \
  section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand \
  into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls \
  in there". \
 \
* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious \
  cretin like yourself. \
 \
* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this \
  case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you \
  a large cash settlement anyway. \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ...  \
impeccable! \
',' \
Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in Halstead, Kansas. \
',' \
Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students \
who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize \
it in order to protect themselves. \
		-- Lenny Bruce \
',' \
Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or \
at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments. \
',' \
Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; \
they may buy shotguns freely, however. \
',' \
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a \
law against it by that time. \
',' \
NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle. \
',' \
New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in \
any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. \
',' \
Of ______course it\'s the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with a fake? \
',' \
	Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train \
demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his \
testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, \
and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid \
no attention to the signal. \
	The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company \
complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, \
"I was afraid you would waver under testimony." \
	"No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned \
lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." \
',' \
Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his  \
roars.  Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the \
forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind \
the railroad yards." \
		-- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, \
		   counsel for the supporters of Tennessee\'s anti-evolution \
		   law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. \
',' \
... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce \
Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm.  One thing \
I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition.  If somebody \
gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it on his legal \
stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what a lesser person \
would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. \
		-- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" \
',' \
			Pittsburgh driver\'s test \
			 \
(10) Potholes are \
 \
	(a) extremely dangerous. \
	(b) patriotic. \
	(c) the fault of the previous administration. \
	(d) all going to be fixed next summer. \
 \
The correct answer is (b). Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, \
imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars.  If you drive a \
big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about. \
',' \
			Pittsburgh driver\'s test \
 \
(2) A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should \
 \
	(a) stop immediately. \
	(b) proceed slowly through the intersection. \
	(c) blow the horn. \
	(d) floor it. \
 \
The correct answer is (d). If you said (c), you were almost right, so \
give yourself a half point. \
',' \
			Pittsburgh driver\'s test \
 \
(3) When stopped at an intersection you should \
 \
	(a) watch the traffic light for your lane. \
	(b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. \
	(c) blow the horn. \
	(d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. \
 \
The correct answer is (d). You need to start as soon as the traffic light \
for the intersecting street turns yellow. Answer (c) is worth a half point. \
',' \
			Pittsburgh driver\'s test \
 \
(4) Exhaust gas is \
 \
	(a) beneficial. \
	(b) not harmful. \
	(c) toxic. \
	(d) a punk band. \
 \
The correct answer is (b). The meddling Washington eco-freak communist \
bureaucrats who say otherwise are liars.  (Message to those who answered (d). \
Go back to California where you came from.  Your kind are not welcome here.) \
',' \
			Pittsburgh driver\'s test \
 \
(5) Your car\'s horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.  How often should \
you test it? \
 \
	(a) once a year. \
	(b) once a month. \
	(c) once a day. \
	(d) once an hour. \
 \
The correct answer is (d). You should test your car\'s horn at least once \
every hour, and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. \
',' \
			Pittsburgh Driver\'s Test \
 \
(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light \
    but a steady left tail light.  This means \
 \
	(a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn \
	    to call the problem to the driver\'s attention. \
	(b) the driver is signaling a right turn. \
	(c) the driver is signaling a left turn. \
	(d) the driver is from out of town. \
 \
The correct answer is (d).  Tail lights are used in some foreign \
countries to signal turns. \
',' \
			Pittsburgh Driver\'s Test \
 \
(8) Pedestrians are \
 \
	(a) irrelevant. \
	(b) communists. \
	(c) a nuisance. \
	(d) difficult to clean off the front grille. \
 \
The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are \
totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. \
',' \
			Pittsburgh driver\'s test \
 \
(9) Roads are salted in order to \
 \
	(a) kill grass. \
	(b) melt snow. \
	(c) help the economy. \
	(d) prevent potholes. \
 \
The correct answer is (c). Road salting employs thousands of persons \
directly, and millions more indirectly, for example, salt miners and \
rustproofers.  Most important, salting reduces the life spans of cars, \
thus stimulating the car and steel industries. \
',' \
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. \
		-- Tommy Manville \
',' \
Sho\' they got to have it against the law.  Shoot, ever\'body git high, \
they wouldn\'t be nobody git up and feed the chickens.  Hee-hee. \
		-- Terry Southern \
',' \
Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don\'t think \
about sex at all... they become lawyers. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden\'s middle ages are the \
old county laws (well, we never had counties but it\'s the nearest equivalent \
I can find for "landskap").  These laws were written down sometime in the \
13th century, but date back even down into Viking times.  The oldest one is \
the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some \
Christian stuff.  In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the \
Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc.  Here is \
an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of \
"lekare". \
	"If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it.  If an artist \
	is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with \
	fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring \
	it out on the hillside.  Then they shall shave off all hair from the \
	heifer\'s tail, and grease the tail.  Then the artist shall be given \
	newly greased shoes.  Then he shall take hold of the heifer\'s tail, \
	and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip.  If he can hold her, he \
	shall have the animal.  If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what \
	he received, shame and wounds." \
',' \
Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a \
fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. \
		-- Montesquieu \
',' \
Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. \
',' \
The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither \
doctors nor lawyers. \
		-- L. Docquier \
',' \
	The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas \
River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. \
',' \
The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, \
specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of \
rise per foot of run.  A compromise, I imagine... \
',' \
The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that \
the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance. \
',' \
The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on \
a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. \
',' \
	The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was \
caught again, he would be thrown in jail.  Fine today, cooler tomorrow. \
',' \
The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable \
debate concerning restoring America\'s "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been \
revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor \
quality work.  But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the \
resurrection of competitiveness?  Will charging the atmosphere of the \
workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity? \
Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but \
to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not \
hiring of the abuser.  This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the \
nation\'s productivity problem.  If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate \
goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the \
drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. \
		-- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The \
		   Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace," \
		   Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. \
		   10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. \
',' \
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, \
to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. \
		-- Anatole France \
',' \
The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.  He of all men \
should behave as though the law compelled him.  But it is the universal \
weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine \
we own. \
		-- H.G. Wells \
',' \
The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement \
	In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish \
Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality \
legislation.  The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay \
enforcement officer.  The advertisement offered different salary scales for \
men and women. \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it \
were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. \
		-- H. L. Mencken \
',' \
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor \
prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, \
or to the people. \
		-- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) \
',' \
The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough \
voters to win the next election. \
',' \
The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. \
',' \
The Worst Jury \
	A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when \
one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the \
remotest clue what was happening. \
	The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any \
evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. \
	The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second \
juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English.  A fluent French \
speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he \
was hearing a murder trial. \
	The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered \
from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language \
and nearly as deaf as the first juror. \
	The judge ordered a retrial. \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs \
tied during the month of April. \
',' \
There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. \
No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. \
		-- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates" \
',' \
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest.  For example, when he \
filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary \
as \'unearned income.\' \
		-- Michael Lara \
',' \
"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: \
both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to \
talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him \
during the trial." \
		-- David Letterman \
',' \
There\'s no justice in this world. \
		-- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by \
		   New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had \
		   saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering \
		   the assassination of Schultz instead) \
',' \
This product is meant for educational purposes only.  Any resemblance to real \
persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.  Void where prohibited.  Some \
assembly may be required.  Batteries not included.  Contents may settle during \
shipment.  Use only as directed.  May be too intense for some viewers.  If \
condition persists, consult your physician.  No user-serviceable parts inside. \
Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement.  Not responsible for direct, \
indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error \
or failure to perform.  Slippery when wet.  For office use only.  Substantial \
penalty for early withdrawal.  Do not write below this line.  Your cancelled \
check is your receipt.  Avoid contact with skin.  Employees and their families \
are not eligible.  Beware of dog.  Driver does not carry cash.  Limited time \
offer, call now to insure prompt delivery.  Use only in well-ventilated area. \
Keep away from fire or flame.  Some equipment shown is optional.  Price does \
not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery.  Penalty for private use.  Call \
toll free before digging.  Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product \
appear for identification purposes only.  All models over 18 years of age.  Do \
not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.  Postage will be \
paid by addressee.  Apply only to affected area.  One size fits all.  Many \
suitcases look alike.  Edited for television.  No solicitors.  Reproduction \
strictly prohibited.  Restaurant package, not for resale.  Objects in mirror \
are closer than they appear.  Decision of judges is final.  This supersedes \
all previous notices.  No other warranty expressed or implied. \
',' \
Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard. \
',' \
We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor.  Bankers are not ever \
popular but at least they bank.  Policeman police and undertakers take \
under.  But lawyers do not give us law.  We receive not the gladsome light \
of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, \
filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. \
		-- Nolo News, summer 1989 \
',' \
We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they  \
remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that \
the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than \
the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, \
states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. \
These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who \
want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that \
they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and \
who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. \
		-- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner \
',' \
Welcome to Utah. \
If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear! \
',' \
What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? \
Not enough sand. \
',' \
When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm \
yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. \
 \
Step number 3 is of particular importance.  If you leave the guy alive \
out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit \
by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you \
to support him for the rest of his rotten life.  In court he will plead \
that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was \
looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the \
poor.  In that lawsuit, you will lose.  If, on the other hand, you kill \
him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful \
death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your \
story; forget Mother Teresa.  Second, even if you lose, how much could \
the bum\'s life be worth anyway?  A Lot less than 50 years worth of \
paralysis.  Don\'t play George Bush and Saddam Hussein.  Finish the job. \
	-- G. Gordon Liddy\'s "Forbes" column on personal security \
',' \
Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to \
examine the laws of heat. \
		-- Christopher Morley \
',' \
Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? \
		-- Carl Sandburg \
',' \
Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have \
more lawyers? \
 \
New Jersey had first choice. \
',' \
With Congress, every time they make a joke it\'s a law; and every time \
they make a law it\'s a joke. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
A Linux machine! because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste! \
(By jjs@wintermute.ucr.edu, Joe Sloan) \
',' \
"A word to the wise: a credentials dicksize war is usually a bad idea on the \
net." \
(David Parsons in c.o.l.development.system, about coding in C.) \
',' \
"Absolutely nothing should be concluded from these figures except that \
no conclusion can be drawn from them." \
(By Joseph L. Brothers, Linux/PowerPC Project) \
',' \
Actually, typing random strings in the Finder does the equivalent of \
filename completion. \
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands: file \
completion vs. the Mac Finder.) \
',' \
After watching my newly-retired dad spend two weeks learning how to make a new \
folder, it became obvious that "intuitive" mostly means "what the writer or \
speaker of intuitive likes". \
(Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X the \
intuitiveness of a Mac interface.) \
',' \
"All language designers are arrogant.  Goes with the territory..." \
(By Larry Wall) \
',' \
And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports \
on it, you know they are just evil lies." \
(By Linus Torvalds, Linus.Torvalds@cs.helsinki.fi) \
',' \
"...and scantily clad females, of course.  Who cares if it\'s below zero \
outside" \
(By Linus Torvalds) \
',' \
"And the next time you consider complaining that running Lucid Emacs \
19.05 via NFS from a remote Linux machine in Paraguay doesn\'t seem to \
get the background colors right, you\'ll know who to thank." \
(By Matt Welsh) \
',' \
> : Any porters out there should feel happier knowing that DEC is shipping \
> : me an AlphaPC that I intend to try getting linux running on: this will \
> : definitely help flush out some of the most flagrant unportable stuff. \
> : The Alpha is much more different from the i386 than the 68k stuff is, so \
> : it\'s likely to get most of the stuff fixed. \
> \
> It\'s posts like this that almost convince us non-believers that there \
> really is a god. \
(A follow-up by alovell@kerberos.demon.co.uk, Anthony Lovell, to Linus\'s \
remarks about porting) \
',' \
Anyone who thinks UNIX is intuitive should be forced to write 5000 lines of  \
code using nothing but vi or emacs. AAAAACK! \
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands, especially \
Emacs.) \
',' \
"Are [Linux users] lemmings collectively jumping off of the cliff of \
reliable, well-engineered commercial software?" \
(By Matt Welsh) \
',' \
As usual, this being a 1.3.x release, I haven\'t even compiled this \
kernel yet.  So if it works, you should be doubly impressed. \
(Linus Torvalds, announcing kernel 1.3.3 on the linux-kernel mailing list.) \
',' \
Avoid the Gates of Hell.  Use Linux \
(Unknown source) \
',' \
Be warned that typing \\fBkillall \\fIname\\fP may not have the desired \
effect on non-Linux systems, especially when done by a privileged user. \
(From the killall manual page) \
',' \
"Besides, I think [Slackware] sounds better than \'Microsoft,\' don\'t you?" \
(By Patrick Volkerding) \
',' \
But what can you do with it?  -- ubiquitous cry from Linux-user partner. \
(Submitted by Andy Pearce, ajp@hpopd.pwd.hp.com) \
',' \
"By golly, I\'m beginning to think Linux really *is* the best thing since \
sliced bread." \
(By Vance Petree, Virginia Power) \
',' \
/* \
 * Oops. The kernel tried to access some bad page. We\'ll have to \
 * terminate things with extreme prejudice. \
*/ \
die_if_kernel("Oops", regs, error_code); \
(From linux/arch/i386/mm/fault.c)				    \
',' \
"...Deep Hack Mode--that mysterious and frightening state of \
consciousness where Mortal Users fear to tread." \
(By Matt Welsh) \
',' \
Dijkstra probably hates me \
(Linus Torvalds, in kernel/sched.c) \
',' \
DOS: n., A small annoying boot virus that causes random spontaneous system \
     crashes, usually just before saving a massive project.  Easily cured by \
     UNIX.  See also MS-DOS, IBM-DOS, DR-DOS. \
(from David Vicker\'s .plan) \
',' \
/* \
 * [...] Note that 120 sec is defined in the protocol as the maximum \
 * possible RTT.  I guess we\'ll have to use something other than TCP \
 * to talk to the University of Mars. \
 * PAWS allows us longer timeouts and large windows, so once implemented \
 * ftp to mars will work nicely. \
 */ \
(from /usr/src/linux/net/inet/tcp.c, concerning RTT [retransmission timeout]) \
',' \
"Even more amazing was the realization that God has Internet access.  I \
wonder if He has a full newsfeed?" \
(By Matt Welsh) \
',' \
>Ever heard of .cshrc? \
That\'s a city in Bosnia.  Right? \
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands.) \
',' \
Fatal Error: Found [MS-Windows] System -> Repartitioning Disk for Linux... \
(By cbbrown@io.org, Christopher Browne) \
',' \
How do I type "for i in *.dvi do xdvi i done" in a GUI? \
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces.) \
',' \
"How should I know if it works?  That\'s what beta testers are for.  I only \
coded it." \
(Attributed to Linus Torvalds, somewhere in a posting) \
',' \
----==-- _                     / /  \\ \
---==---(_)__  __ ____  __    / / /\\ \\ \
--==---/ / _ \\/ // /\\ \\/ /   / /_/\\ \\ \\ \
-=====/_/_//_/\\_,_/ /_/\\_\\  /______\\ \\ \\ \
A proud member of TeamLinux \\_________\\/ \
(By CHaley (HAC), haley@unm.edu, ch008cth@pi.lanl.gov) \
',' \
I develop for Linux for a living, I used to develop for DOS. \
Going from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117. \
(By entropy@world.std.com, Lawrence Foard) \
',' \
I did this \'cause Linux gives me a woody.  It doesn\'t generate revenue. \
(Dave \'-ddt->` Taylor, announcing DOOM for Linux) \
',' \
Feel free to contact me (flames about my english and the useless of this \
driver will be redirected to /dev/null, oh no, it\'s full...). \
(Michael Beck, describing the PC-speaker sound device) \
',' \
"I don\'t know why, but first C programs tend to look a lot worse than \
first programs in any other language (maybe except for fortran, but then \
I suspect all fortran programs look like `firsts\')" \
(By Olaf Kirch) \
',' \
"I once witnessed a long-winded, month-long flamewar over the use of \
mice vs. trackballs...It was very silly." \
(By Matt Welsh) \
',' \
I still maintain the point that designing a monolithic kernel in 1991 is a \
fundamental error.  Be thankful you are not my student.  You would not get a \
high grade for such a design :-) \
(Andrew Tanenbaum to Linus Torvalds) \
',' \
"I would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else\'s source code than \
10 minutes listening to Musak waiting for technical support which isn\'t." \
(By Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center) \
',' \
"I\'d crawl over an acre of \'Visual This++\' and \'Integrated Development \
That\' to get to gcc, Emacs, and gdb.  Thank you." \
(By Vance Petree, Virginia Power) \
',' \
"I\'m an idiot.. At least this one [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.." \
(Linus Torvalds in response to a bug report.) \
 \
> I\'m an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.. \
Disquieting ... \
(Gonzalo Tornaria in response to Linus Torvalds\'s mailing about a kernel bug.) \
 \
> I\'m an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.. \
We need to find some new terms to describe the rest of us mere mortals \
then. \
(Craig Schlenter in response to Linus Torvalds\'s mailing about a kernel bug.) \
 \
> I\'m an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.. \
Surely, Linus is talking about the kind of idiocy that others aspire to :-). \
(Bruce Perens in response to Linus Torvalds\'s mailing about a kernel bug.) \
',' \
I\'ve run DOOM more in the last few days than I have the last few \
months.  I just love debugging ;-) \
(Linus Torvalds) \
',' \
Microsoft Corp., concerned by the growing popularity of the free 32-bit \
operating system for Intel systems, Linux, has employed a number of top \
programmers from the underground world of virus development. Bill Gates stated \
yesterday: "World domination, fast -- it\'s either us or Linus". Mr. Torvalds \
was unavailable for comment ... \
(rjm@swift.eng.ox.ac.uk (Robert Manners), in comp.os.linux.setup) \
',' \
    if (argc > 1 && strcmp(argv[1], "-advice") == 0) { \
	printf("Don\'t Panic!\\n"); \
	exit(42); \
    } \
(Arnold Robbins in the LJ of February \'95, describing RCS) \
',' \
+#if defined(__alpha__) && defined(CONFIG_PCI) \
+       /* \
+        * The meaning of life, the universe, and everything. Plus \
+        * this makes the year come out right. \
+        */ \
+       year -= 42; \
+#endif \
(From the patch for 1.3.2: (kernel/time.c), submitted by Marcus Meissner) \
',' \
"If the future navigation system [for interactive networked services on \
the NII] looks like something from Microsoft, it will never work." \
(Chairman of Walt Disney Television & Telecommunications) \
',' \
"If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot \
of different places, just write a Unix operating system." \
(By Linus Torvalds) \
',' \
"[In \'Doctor\' mode], I spent a good ten minutes telling Emacs what I \
thought of it.  (The response was, \'Perhaps you could try to be less \
abusive.\')" \
(By Matt Welsh) \
',' \
In most countries selling harmful things like drugs is punishable. \
Then howcome people can sell Microsoft software and go unpunished? \
(By hasku@rost.abo.fi, Hasse Skrifvars) \
',' \
Intel engineering seem to have misheard Intel marketing strategy. The phrase \
was "Divide and conquer" not "Divide and cock up" \
(By iialan@www.linux.org.uk, Alan Cox) \
',' \
"It\'s God.  No, not Richard Stallman, or Linus Torvalds, but God." \
(By Matt Welsh) \
',' \
LILO, you\'ve got me on my knees! \
(from David Black, dblack@pilot.njin.net, with apologies to Derek and the \
Dominos, and Werner Almsberger) \
',' \
Linux is obsolete \
(Andrew Tanenbaum) \
',' \
"Linux poses a real challenge for those with a taste for late-night \
hacking (and/or conversations with God)." \
(By Matt Welsh) \
',' \
Linux!  Guerrilla UNIX Development     Venimus, Vidimus, Dolavimus. \
(By mah@ka4ybr.com, Mark A. Horton KA4YBR) \
',' \
"...[Linux\'s] capacity to talk via any medium except smoke signals." \
(By Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center) \
',' \
linux: because a PC is a terrible thing to waste \
(ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in \'93) \
',' \
Linux: Because a PC is a terrible thing to waste. \
(By komarimf@craft.camp.clarkson.edu, Mark Komarinski) \
',' \
linux: the choice of a GNU generation \
(ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in \'93) \
',' \
"Linux: the operating system with a CLUE... \
Command Line User Environment". \
(seen in a posting in comp.software.testing) \
',' \
lp1 on fire \
(One of the more obfuscated kernel messages) \
',' \
Microsoft is not the answer. \
Microsoft is the question. \
NO (or Linux) is the answer. \
(Taken from a .signature from someone from the UK, source unknown) \
',' \
\'Mounten\' wird fuer drei Dinge benutzt: \'Aufsitzen\' auf Pferde, \'einklinken\' \
von Festplatten in Dateisysteme, und, nun, \'besteigen\' beim Sex. \
(Christa Keil in a German posting: "Mounting is used for three things: \
climbing on a horse, linking in a hard disk unit in data systems, and, well, \
mounting during sex".) \
',' \
"MSDOS didn\'t get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten years \
of careful development." \
(By dmeggins@aix1.uottawa.ca) \
',' \
"Never make any mistaeks." \
(Anonymous, in a mail discussion about to a kernel bug report.) \
',' \
> No manual is ever necessary. \
May I politely interject here: BULLSHIT.  That\'s the biggest Apple lie of all! \
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces.) \
',' \
Not me, guy. I read the Bash man page each day like a Jehovah\'s Witness reads \
the Bible. No wait, the Bash man page IS the bible. Excuse me... \
(More on confusing aliases, taken from comp.os.linux.misc) \
',' \
"Note that if I can get you to \\"su and say\\" something just by asking, \
you have a very serious security problem on your system and you should \
look into it." \
(By Paul Vixie, vixie-cron 3.0.1 installation notes) \
',' \
Now I know someone out there is going to claim, "Well then, UNIX is intuitive, \
because you only need to learn 5000 commands, and then everything else follows \
from that! Har har har!" \
(Andy Bates in comp.os.linux.misc, on "intuitive interfaces", slightly \
defending Macs.) \
',' \
Now, it we had this sort of thing: \
  yield -a     for yield to all traffic \
  yield -t     for yield to trucks \
  yield -f     for yield to people walking (yield foot) \
  yield -d t*  for yield on days starting with t \
...you\'d have a lot of dead people at intersections, and traffic jams you \
wouldn\'t believe... \
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands.) \
',' \
"Oh, I\'ve seen copies [of Linux Journal] around the terminal room at The \
Labs." \
(By Dennis Ritchie) \
',' \
"On a normal ascii line, the only safe condition to detect is a \'BREAK\' \
- everything else having been assigned functions by Gnu EMACS." \
(By Tarl Neustaedter) \
',' \
"On the Internet, no one knows you\'re using Windows NT" \
(Submitted by Ramiro Estrugo, restrugo@fateware.com) \
',' \
Once upon a time there was a DOS user who saw Unix, and saw that it was \
good. After typing cp on his DOS machine at home, he downloaded GNU\'s \
unix tools ported to DOS and installed them. He rm\'d, cp\'d, and mv\'d \
happily for many days, and upon finding elvis, he vi\'d and was happy. After \
a long day at work (on a Unix box) he came home, started editing a file, \
and couldn\'t figure out why he couldn\'t suspend vi (w/ ctrl-z) to do \
a compile. \
(By ewt@tipper.oit.unc.edu (Erik Troan) \
',' \
> > Other than the fact Linux has a cool name, could someone explain why I \
> > should use Linux over BSD? \
> \
> No.  That\'s it.  The cool name, that is.  We worked very hard on \
> creating a name that would appeal to the majority of people, and it \
> certainly paid off: thousands of people are using linux just to be able \
> to say "OS/2? Hah.  I\'ve got Linux.  What a cool name".  386BSD made the \
> mistake of putting a lot of numbers and weird abbreviations into the \
> name, and is scaring away a lot of people just because it sounds too \
> technical. \
(Linus Torvalds\' follow-up to a question about Linux) \
',' \
Personally, I think my choice in the mostest-superlative-computer wars has to \
be the HP-48 series of calculators.  They\'ll run almost anything.  And if they \
can\'t, while I\'ll just plug a Linux box into the serial port and load up the \
HP-48 VT-100 emulator. \
(By jdege@winternet.com, Jeff Dege) \
',' \
There are no threads in a.b.p.erotica,  so there\'s no  gain in using a \
threaded news reader. \
(Unknown source) \
',' \
"Problem solving under linux has never been the circus that it is under \
AIX." \
(By Pete Ehlke in comp.unix.aix) \
',' \
quit   When the quit statement is read, the  bc  processor \
       is  terminated, regardless of where the quit state- \
       ment is found.  For example, "if  (0  ==  1)  quit" \
       will cause bc to terminate. \
(Seen in the manpage for "bc". Note the "if" statement\'s logic) \
',' \
Running Windows on a Pentium is like having a brand new Porsche but only \
be able to drive backwards with the handbrake on. \
(Unknown source) \
',' \
"sic transit discus mundi" \
(From the System Administrator\'s Guide, by Lars Wirzenius) \
',' \
Sigh.  I like to think it\'s just the Linux people who want to be on \
the "leading edge" so bad they walk right off the precipice. \
(Craig E. Groeschel) \
',' \
The chat program is in public domain. This is not the GNU public license. If \
it breaks then you get to keep both pieces. \
(Copyright notice for the chat program) \
',' \
> The day people think linux would be better served by somebody else (FSF \
> being the natural alternative), I\'ll "abdicate".  I don\'t think that \
> it\'s something people have to worry about right now - I don\'t see it \
> happening in the near future.  I enjoy doing linux, even though it does \
> mean some work, and I haven\'t gotten any complaints (some almost timid \
> reminders about a patch I have forgotten or ignored, but nothing \
> negative so far). \
> \
> Don\'t take the above to mean that I\'ll stop the day somebody complains: \
> I\'m thick-skinned (Lasu, who is reading this over my shoulder commented \
> that "thick-HEADED is closer to the truth") enough to take some abuse. \
> If I weren\'t, I\'d have stopped developing linux the day ast ridiculed me \
> on c.o.minix.  What I mean is just that while linux has been my baby so \
> far, I don\'t want to stand in the way if people want to make something \
> better of it (*). \
> \
>                 Linus \
> \
> (*) Hey, maybe I could apply for a saint-hood from the Pope.  Does \
> somebody know what his email-address is? I\'m so nice it makes you puke. \
(Taken from Linus\'s reply to someone worried about the future of Linux) \
',' \
The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a \
dialog box and lets you press \'OK\' first. \
(Arno Schaefer\'s .sig) \
',' \
The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it\'s all learned. \
(Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X interfaces.) \
',' \
There are two types of Linux developers - those who can spell, and \
those who can\'t. There is a constant pitched battle between the two. \
(From one of the post-1.1.54 kernel update messages posted to c.o.l.a) \
',' \
This  message was brought to  you by Linux, the free  unix. \
Windows without the X is like making love without a partner. \
Sex, Drugs & Linux Rules \
win-nt from the people who invented edlin \
apples  have  meant  trouble  since  eden \
Linux, the way to get rid of boot viruses \
(By mwikholm@at8.abo.fi, MaDsen Wikholm) \
',' \
"...Unix, MS-DOS, and Windows NT (also known as the Good, the Bad, and \
the Ugly)." \
(By Matt Welsh) \
',' \
"...very few phenomena can pull someone out of Deep Hack Mode, with two \
noted exceptions: being struck by lightning, or worse, your *computer* \
being struck by lightning." \
(By Matt Welsh) \
',' \
"Waving away a cloud of smoke, I look up, and am blinded by a bright, white \
light. It\'s God. No, not Richard Stallman, or Linus Torvalds, but God. In \
a booming voice, He says: "THIS IS A SIGN. USE LINUX, THE FREE UNIX SYSTEM \
FOR THE 386." \
(Matt Welsh) \
',' \
"We all know Linux is great...it does infinite loops in 5 seconds." \
(Linus Torvalds about the superiority of Linux on the Amterdam \
Linux Symposium) \
',' \
We are MicroSoft.  You will be assimilated.  Resistance is futile. \
(Attributed to B.G., Gill Bates) \
',' \
We are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated. \
(seen in someone\'s .signature) \
',' \
We are using Linux daily to UP our productivity - so UP yours! \
(Adapted from Pat Paulsen by Joe Sloan) \
',' \
We come to bury DOS, not to praise it. \
(Paul Vojta, vojta@math.berkeley.edu, paraphrasing a quote of Shakespeare) \
',' \
We use Linux for all our mission-critical applications. Having the source code \
means that we are not held hostage by anyone\'s support department. \
(Russell Nelson, President of Crynwr Software) \
',' \
"What you end up with, after running an operating system concept through \
these many marketing coffee filters, is something not unlike plain hot \
water." \
(By Matt Welsh) \
',' \
What\'s this script do? \
    unzip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; gasp ; yes ; umount ; sleep \
Hint for the answer: not everything is computer-oriented. Sometimes you\'re \
in a sleeping bag, camping out. \
(Contributed by Frans van der Zande.) \
',' \
`When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at \
you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*".\' \
(By Linus Torvalds) \
',' \
"Whip me.  Beat me.  Make me maintain AIX." \
(By Stephan Zielinski) \
',' \
"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk ?" \
Microsoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate !! \
(By leitner@inf.fu-berlin.de, Felix von Leitner) \
',' \
Who wants to remember that escape-x-alt-control-left shift-b puts you into \
super-edit-debug-compile mode? \
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands, especially \
Emacs.) \
',' \
Why use Windows, since there is a door? \
(By fachat@galileo.rhein-neckar.de, Andre Fachat) \
',' \
"World domination.  Fast" \
(By Linus Torvalds) \
',' \
..you could spend *all day* customizing the title bar.  Believe me.  I \
speak from experience." \
(By Matt Welsh) \
',' \
"...you might as well skip the Xmas celebration completely, and instead \
sit in front of your linux computer playing with the \
all-new-and-improved linux kernel version." \
(By Linus Torvalds) \
',' \
Your job is being a professor and researcher: That\'s one hell of a good excuse \
for some of the brain-damages of minix. \
(Linus Torvalds to Andrew Tanenbaum) \
',' \
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining \
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
A classic is something that everyone wants to have read \
and nobody wants to read. \
		-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" \
',' \
A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse! \
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI" \
',' \
A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain\'s works] "The \
Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered. \
		-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901. \
',' \
A is for Apple. \
		-- Hester Pryne \
',' \
A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. \
		-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess \
',' \
A light wife doth make a heavy husband. \
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" \
',' \
	A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his \
wife asked "What have you got there?"  Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer." \
',' \
... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he \
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) \
	-- by Charles Dickens \
 \
	A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. \
 \
The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) \
	-- by Franz Kafka \
 \
	A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. \
 \
Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) \
	-- by J.R.R. Tolkien \
 \
	Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. \
 \
Hamlet LITE(tm) \
	-- by Wm. Shakespeare \
 \
	A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy \
	girl-friend and a mother who won\'t act her age. \
',' \
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) \
	-- by Charles Dickens \
 \
	A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just \
	like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean \
	lady who knits. \
 \
Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) \
	-- by Fyodor Dostoevski \
 \
	A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later \
	feels guilty and apologizes. \
 \
The Odyssey LITE(tm) \
	-- by Homer \
 \
	After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home. \
',' \
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. \
		-- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare \
',' \
Alas, how love can trifle with itself! \
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" \
',' \
All generalizations are false, including this one. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that \
makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and  \
an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. \
		-- Samuel Beckett \
',' \
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from \
the mouths of people who have had to live. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
"... all the modern inconveniences ..." \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. \
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" \
',' \
Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" \
',' \
"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often \
picturesque liar." \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" \
',' \
And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel? \
',' \
Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things \
than someone who hasn\'t. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
April 1 \
 \
This is the day upon which we are reminged of what we are on the other three \
hundred and sixty-four. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. \
		-- Shakespeare, "King Lear" \
',' \
As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, \
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously \
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being \
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching \
after fact and reason. \
		-- John Keats \
',' \
AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! \
	FEAR! FIRE! FOES! \
		AWAKE! AWAKE! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining \
ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror \
to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the \
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam \
in 1959. \
		-- Grand Panjandrum\'s Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton \
		   bad fiction contest. \
',' \
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is \
but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention;" but the wise \
man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET." \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Big book, big bore. \
		-- Callimachus \
',' \
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" \
',' \
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.  Another man\'s, I mean. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Condense soup, not books! \
',' \
Conscience doth make cowards of us all. \
		-- Shakespeare \
',' \
Consider well the proportions of things.  It is better to be a young June-bug \
than an old bird of paradise. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear.  Except a \
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely \
a loose misapplication of the word.  Consider the flea!--incomparably the \
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.  \
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact \
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth \
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the \
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more \
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by \
an earthquake ten centuries before.  When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam \
as men who "didn\'t know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and \
put him at the head of the procession. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Delay not, Caesar.  Read it instantly. \
		-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 \
  \
Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. \
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 \
  \
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when \
	 referring to I/O system services.] \
',' \
Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever \
skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious \
to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an \
overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic \
apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless \
as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a \
steroid-free fitness center. \
		-- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. \
',' \
Don\'t go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you \
nothing.  It was here first. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him.  "Cabbages and potatoes are better \
for you and me." \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
English literature\'s performing flea. \
		-- Sean O\'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse \
',' \
Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at \
fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution.  Take \
the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will \
find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil, \
you will say that she did it with her teeth. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Every cloud engenders not a storm. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" \
',' \
Every why hath a wherefore. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" \
',' \
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" \
',' \
F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: \
	"Ernest, the rich are different from us." \
Hemingway: \
	"Yes.  They have more money." \
',' \
Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is \
oblivion. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. \
		-- "Mark Twain, Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
For a light heart lives long. \
		-- Shakespeare, "Love\'s Labour\'s Lost" \
',' \
For courage mounteth with occasion. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "King John" \
',' \
For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, \
each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall \
was a gate. \
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" \
 \
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when \
	 referring to system overview.] \
  \
',' \
For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel.  And if one can \
neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? \
		-- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" \
 \
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when \
	 referring to powerfail recovery.] \
',' \
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace-- \
I\'d not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. \
But now I think a thought that brings me hope: \
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. \
		-- Justin Richardson. \
',' \
Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. \
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien \
',' \
Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) \
	-- by Margaret Mitchell \
 \
	A woman only likes men she can\'t have and the South gets trashed. \
 \
Gift of the Magi LITE(tm) \
	-- by O. Henry \
 \
	A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. \
 \
The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) \
	-- by Ernest Hemingway \
 \
	An old man goes fishing, but doesn\'t have much luck. \
 \
Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) \
	-- by Anne Frank \
 \
	A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered. \
',' \
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession.  \
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy \
officials have gone by. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must \
have somebody to divide it with. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed \
down-stairs a step at a time. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar \
',' \
Hain\'t we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain\'t that a big \
enough majority in any town? \
		-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" \
',' \
Harp not on that string. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" \
',' \
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not \
advice, it is merely custom. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Having nothing, nothing can he lose. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" \
',' \
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his \
argument. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love\'s Labour\'s Lost" \
',' \
He hath eaten me out of house and home. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" \
',' \
He is now rising from affluence to poverty. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
He jests at scars who never felt a wound. \
		-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" \
',' \
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. \
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien \
',' \
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" \
',' \
He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too. \
		-- Lewis Carroll \
',' \
Hell is empty and all the devils are here. \
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest" \
',' \
His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god.  He preferred \
to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam.  He never \
claimed to be a god.  But then, he never claimed not to be a god.  Circum- \
stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. \
Silence, though, could.  It was in the days of the rains that their prayers \
went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of \
prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, \
goddess of the Night.  The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through \
the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the \
Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze \
rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. \
Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... \
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" \
',' \
How apt the poor are to be proud. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" \
',' \
I do desire we may be better strangers. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" \
',' \
I don\'t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less \
than half of you half as well as you deserve. \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
I dote on his very absence. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" \
',' \
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, \
so I woke up from sheer boredom. \
',' \
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a \
week sometimes to make it up. \
		-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" \
',' \
I reverently believe that the maker who made us all  makes everything in New \
England, but the weather.  I don\'t know who makes that, but I think it must be \
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in \
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for \
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere \
if they don\'t get it. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
I think we are in Rats\' Alley where the dead men lost their bones. \
		-- T.S. Eliot \
',' \
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn\'t know. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.  I \
will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.  The Spirits of all \
Three shall strive within me.  I will not shut out the lessons that they \
teach.  Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone! \
		-- Charles Dickens \
',' \
"I wonder", he said to himself, "what\'s in a book while it\'s closed.  Oh, I  \
know it\'s full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must  \
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there\'s a whole story with people  \
I don\'t know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." \
		-- Bastian B. Bux \
',' \
I\'ll burn my books. \
		-- Christopher Marlowe \
',' \
I\'ve touch\'d the highest point of all my greatness; \
And from that full meridian of my glory \
I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall, \
Like a bright exhalation in the evening \
And no man see me more. \
		-- Shakespeare \
',' \
If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would \
be a merrier world. \
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien \
',' \
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use \
in reading it at all. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. \
		-- Ernest Hemingway \
',' \
If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.  \
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
If you tell the truth you don\'t have to remember anything. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, \
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into \
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather \
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but \
the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they \
have obtained from books of travel. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made \
school boards. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and \
struggled and had lots of children.  There was a Frenchman who talked funny \
and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the \
crunch he was all courage.  Those novels would make you retch. \
		-- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian \
		   novel. \
',' \
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has \
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the Old \
Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred \
thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the \
Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.  ... There is \
something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesome returns of \
conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of \
24 hours. \
		-- Mark Twain, on New England weather \
',' \
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely \
the most important. \
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity" \
',' \
It is a wise father that knows his own child. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" \
',' \
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: \
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition.  There was once a man \
who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that \
there were too many prehistoric toads in it. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
It is often the case that the man who can\'t tell a lie thinks he is the best \
judge of one. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, \
his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the \
worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one \
day like any other day, only shorter. \
		-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies" \
',' \
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion \
that makes horse-races. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Its name is Public Opinion.  It is held in reverence.  It settles everything. \
Some think it is the voice of God. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o\' Sunday. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" \
',' \
Lay on, MacDuff, and curs\'d be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". \
		-- Shakespeare \
',' \
Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. \
		-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" \
',' \
Let me take you a button-hole lower. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love\'s Labour\'s Lost" \
',' \
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be \
sorry. \
		-- Maek Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, \
shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm \
as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like \
bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; \
she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a \
man, a man who wouldn\'t shift from his views, a man to steer her along the \
right road: a man like Alf Romeo. \
		-- Rachel Sheeley, winner \
 \
The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never \
see her little dog Pritzi again. \
		-- Claudia Fields, runner-up \
 \
It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a \
tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it \
was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. \
		-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up \
 \
Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest.  The contest is \
named after the author of the immortal lines:  "It was a dark and stormy \
night."  The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the \
worst possible novel. \
',' \
Lord, what fools these mortals be! \
		-- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night\'s Dream" \
',' \
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can\'t \
understand his own meaning. \
		-- George D. Prentice \
',' \
Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher.  The butcher is \
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and \
weeks.  He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, \
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, \
he thinks about his dog.  The dog is named Herbert. \
		-- Racter, "The Policeman\'s Beard is Half-Constructed" \
',' \
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very \
very thin paper. \
',' \
Many pages make a thick book. \
',' \
Mind!  I don\'t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is \
particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined, myself, \
to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. \
But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands \
shall not disturb it, or the Country\'s done for.  You will therefore permit \
me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. \
		-- Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol" \
',' \
Must I hold a candle to my shames? \
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" \
',' \
	My dear People. \
	My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, \
and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, \
Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots.  Also my good \
Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End.  Today is my \
one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!" \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
My only love sprung from my only hate! \
Too early seen unknown, and known too late! \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" \
',' \
Never laugh at live dragons. \
		-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"] \
',' \
No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of \
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. \
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness \
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. \
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and \
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone \
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. \
		-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House" \
',' \
No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you!  Consider the furniture! \
		-- Sherlock Holmes \
',' \
Noise proves nothing.  Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles \
as if she laid an asteroid. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
"Not Hercules could have knock\'d out his brains, for he had none." \
		-- Shakespeare \
',' \
Nothing so needs reforming as other people\'s habits. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Nothing so needs reforming as other people\'s habits. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
O, it is excellent \
To have a giant\'s strength; but it is tyrannous \
To use it like a giant. \
		-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2 \
',' \
October 12, the Discovery. \
 \
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss \
it. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
October. \
 \
This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. \
 \
The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, \
December, August, and February. \
 \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. \
		-- Shakespeare \
',' \
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has \
only nine lives. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Patch griefs with proverbs. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" \
',' \
Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves \
possess. \
		-- Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, "Lord of the Rings"] \
',' \
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; \
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting \
to find a plot in it will be shot.  By Order of the Author \
		-- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer" \
',' \
question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; \
		-- Wm. Shakespeare \
',' \
Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of \
Congress.  But I repeat myself. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" \
',' \
Remark of Dr. Baldwin\'s concerning upstarts: We don\'t care to eat toadstools \
that think they are truffles. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
ROMEO:		Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. \
MERCUTIO:	No, \'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide \
			as a church-door; but \'tis enough, \'twill serve. \
',' \
Seeing that death, a necessary end, \
Will come when it will come. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" \
',' \
She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then \
turned to Doppelgutt and said \'The Senator must really have been on a \
bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last \
night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British \
aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.\' \
		-- Grand Panjandrum\'s Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton \
		   bad fiction contest. \
',' \
Small things make base men proud. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" \
',' \
So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; \
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head \
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently \
married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand \
Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all \
fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran \
out at the heels of their boots. \
		-- Samuel Foote \
',' \
So so is good, very good, very excellent good: \
and yet it is not; it is but so so. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" \
',' \
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more \
deadly in the long run. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Something\'s rotten in the state of Denmark. \
		-- Shakespeare \
',' \
Sometimes I wonder if I\'m in my right mind.  Then it passes off and I\'m \
as intelligent as ever. \
		-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" \
',' \
"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though \
ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, \
mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee.  Of all divers, \
thou has dived the deepest.  That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has \
moved amid the world\'s foundations.  Where unrecorded names and navies rust, \
and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate \
earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful \
water-land, there was thy most familiar home.  Thou hast been where bell or \
diver never went; has slept by many a sailer\'s side, where sleepless mothers \
would give their lives to lay them down.  Thou saw\'st the locked lovers when \
leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting \
wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them.  Thou saw\'st the \
murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell \
into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed \
on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would \
have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms.  O head! thou has \
seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one \
syllable is thine!" \
		-- H. Melville, "Moby Dick" \
',' \
Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time.  So long \
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks \
into, there is room for lateral movement.  Once this begins, its rate is \
a matter of discretion. \
		-- Corwin, Prince of Amber \
',' \
Stop!  There was first a game of blindman\'s buff.  Of course there was. \
And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes \
in his boots.  My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and \
Scrooge\'s nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it.  The \
way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage \
on the credulity of human nature. \
',' \
Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. \
		-- Wm. Shakespeare \
',' \
Swerve me?  The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, \
whereon my soul is grooved to run.  Over unsounded gorges, through \
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents\' beds, unerringly I rush! \
		-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" \
',' \
Talkers are no good doers. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" \
',' \
Tell the truth or trump--but get the trick. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Tempt not a desperate man. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" \
',' \
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" \
',' \
The bay-trees in our country are all wither\'d \
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; \
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth \
And lean-look\'d prophets whisper fearful change. \
These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. \
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II" \
',' \
The better part of valor is discretion. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" \
',' \
The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first \
half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and \
pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who \
hadn\'t heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice \
for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time \
during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it \
but your brain wasn\'t reacting yet to let you know. \
		-- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. \
',' \
The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State \
Univ.  by Professor Scott Rice.  It is held in memory of Edward George \
Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his \
time) novelist.  He is best known today for having written "The Last \
Days of Pompeii." \
 \
Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, \
beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord \
Bulwer-Lytton.  This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," \
written in 1830.  The full line reveals why it is so bad: \
 \
	It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except \
	at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of \
	wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene \
	lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty \
	flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. \
',' \
The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted \
sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first \
time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve \
into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent \
with Basil. \
		-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. \
',' \
The countdown had stalled at \'T\' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first \
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, \
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what \
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my \
career. \
		-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. \
',' \
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" \
',' \
The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference \
between a mermaid and a seal. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the \
difference between lightning and the lightning bug. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" \
',' \
The first thing we do, let\'s kill all the lawyers. \
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV \
',' \
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and \
enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to \
lend money. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that \
procession but carrying a banner. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. \
		-- Blaise Pascal \
',' \
The Least Perceptive Literary Critic \
	The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax.  A \
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to \
give a public reading of his latest poem. \
	Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord \
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. \
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me." \
	Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable \
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece.  "Be so good as to mark \
the place and consider at your leisure.  I\'m sure you can give it a better \
turn." \
	After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. \
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side.  "There is no need to touch the \
lines," he said.  "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on \
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation \
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered.  I have known him \
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event." \
	Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem \
exactly as it was before.  His unique critical faculties had lost none of \
their edge.  "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right.  Nothing can \
be better." \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
The Least Successful Collector \
	Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting.  She \
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had \
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the \
works of Shakespeare. \
	One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond \
legibility.  Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms.  The \
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. \
	The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned \
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle\'s "The Hisory of the \
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper. \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of \
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at \
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic \
Handsomas roared, \'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you\'ll feel my \
steel through your last meal!\' \
		-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. \
',' \
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, \
Are of imagination all compact... \
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night\'s Dream" \
',' \
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that \
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love\'s Labour\'s Lost" \
',' \
	"...The name of the song is called \'Haddocks\' Eyes\'!" \
	"Oh, that\'s the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to \
feel interested. \
	"No, you don\'t understand," the Knight said, looking a little \
vexed.  "That\'s what the name is called.  The name really is, \'The Aged \
Aged Man.\'" \
	"Then I ought to have said "That\'s what the song is called\'?" \
Alice corrected herself. \
	"No, you oughtn\'t: that\'s quite another thing!  The song is \
called \'Ways and Means\':  but that\'s only what it is called you know!" \
	"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this \
time completely bewildered. \
	"I was coming to that," the Knight said.  "The song really is \
"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune\'s my own invention." \
		--Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" \
',' \
The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered \
rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen \
bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature\'s maxim, \
\'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,\' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. \
		-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. \
',' \
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, \
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, \
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn \
like fabulous yellow Roman candles. \
		-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road" \
',' \
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don\'t want, drink what \
you don\'t like, and do what you\'d rather not. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
	The Priest\'s grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. \
I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. \
	A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. \
Turning the curve he waved his hand.  A sleek brown head, a seal\'s, far \
out on the water, round.  Usurper. \
		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses" \
',' \
The Public is merely a multiplied "me." \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
The ripest fruit falls first. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" \
',' \
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" \
',' \
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with \
commoner things.  It is chief of the world\'s luxuries, king by the grace of God \
over all the fruits of the earth.  When one has tasted it, he knows what the \
angels eat.  It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because \
she repented. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
There are more things in heaven and earth, \
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. \
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet" \
',' \
There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a \
rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, \
to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the \
manuscript of his forthcoming book.  No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2 \
admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of \
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. \
',' \
There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out. \
		-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" \
',' \
There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. \
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by \
ridicule, howsoever poor and witless.  Observe the ass, for instance: his \
character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler \
animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to.  Instead of feeling \
complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted \
armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. \
		-- Ernest Hemingway \
',' \
There\'s small choice in rotten apples. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" \
',' \
They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love\'s Labour\'s Lost" \
',' \
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy".  Foreigners \
always spell better than they pronounce. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Things past redress and now with me past care. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" \
',' \
This is the first age that\'s paid much attention to the future, which is a \
little ironic since we may not have one. \
		-- Arthur Clarke \
',' \
This night methinks is but the daylight sick. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" \
',' \
This was the most unkindest cut of all. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" \
',' \
To be or not to be. \
		-- Shakespeare \
To do is to be. \
		-- Nietzsche \
To be is to do. \
		-- Sartre \
Do be do be do. \
		-- Sinatra \
',' \
Too much is just enough. \
		-- Mark Twain, on whiskey \
',' \
Training is everything.  The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is \
nothing but cabbage with a college education. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues \
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself \
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst \
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day.  I wasted time and now doth \
time waste me. \
		-- William Shakespeare \
',' \
Wagner\'s music is better than it sounds. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the \
bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster.  It seems \
almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the \
oyster. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is \
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot \
stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that \
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.  But there was \
also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a \
French restaurant. [...] \
	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk \
white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I had punched her \
boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone told him, "You ride the \
bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was lean and tough like a bad \
rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he fought me.  And when we finished \
there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...] \
	"Stop the car," the girl said. \
	There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the \
woman of the tollway.  I knew not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an \
arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. \
	"I do not ask for whom\'s the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway \
belle\'s for thee." \
	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. \
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey \
onto my granola and faced a new day. \
		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway \
		   Competition \
',' \
Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized \
that like most books, it had too many words.  The plot was the same one that \
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but \
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive \
women.  There, that\'s it: 24 words.  But the guy who wrote the book took \
*thousands* of words to say it. \
	Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic \
Fyodor Dostoyevsky.  It\'s about these two brothers who kill their father. \
Or maybe only one of them kills the father.  It\'s impossible to tell because \
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.  If all Russians talk \
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don\'t see how they found time to become a \
major world power. \
	I\'m told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise \
the question of whether there is a God.  So why didn\'t he just come right \
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me." \
	Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: \
 \
* "Moby Dick" -- Don\'t mess around with large whales because they symbolize \
  nature and will kill you. \
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy. \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? \
		-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men" \
',' \
What I tell you three times is true. \
		-- Lewis Carroll \
',' \
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working \
when he\'s staring out the window. \
',' \
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone \
to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened \
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I \
cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to \
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
When in doubt, tell the truth. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
When one burns one\'s bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. \
		-- Dylan Thomas \
',' \
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. \
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand" \
',' \
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last \
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his \
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. \
		-- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur\'s Court" \
',' \
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time \
to reform. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt \
of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race.  He \
brought death into the world. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we \
are not the person involved. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. \
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until \
drops of blood form on your forehead. \
		-- Gene Fowler \
',' \
Writing is turning one\'s worst moments into money. \
		-- J.P. Donleavy \
',' \
"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive." \
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet" \
',' \
	"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" \
	"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" \
	"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. \
	"I was about to say \'as he is unknown to the public.\'" \
		-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" \
',' \
You may my glories and my state dispose, \
But not my griefs; still am I king of those. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" \
',' \
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the \
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and \
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. \
		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder" \
',' \
You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night \
to write. \
		-- Saul Bellow \
',' \
You see, I consider that a man\'s brain originally is like a little empty \
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.  A fool \
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge \
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with \
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. \
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his \
brain-attic.  He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing \
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect \
order.  It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and \
can distend to any extent.  Depend upon it there comes a time when for every \
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before.  It is of \
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out \
the useful ones. \
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet" \
',' \
You tread upon my patience. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" \
',' \
	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the \
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the \
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. \
		-- Sherlock Holmes \
',' \
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not \
original and the part that is original is not good. \
		-- Samuel Johnson \
',' \
Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words \
since I first called my brother\'s father dad. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John" \
',' \
A career is great, but you can\'t run your fingers through its hair. \
',' \
A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual \
stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous. \
',' \
A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers.  It was clearly platoonic. \
',' \
Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, \
as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. \
		-- La Rochefoucauld \
',' \
Absence in love is like water upon fire; a little quickens, but much \
extinguishes it. \
		-- Hannah More \
',' \
Absence is to love what wind is to fire.  It extinguishes the small, \
it enkindles the great. \
',' \
All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most \
ridiculous ones. \
		-- La Rochefoucauld \
',' \
Always there remain portions of our heart into which no one is able to enter, \
invite them as we may. \
',' \
Bondage maybe, discipline never! \
		-- T.K. \
',' \
Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight acquaintance \
and without any visible reason. \
		-- Lord Chesterfield \
',' \
Don\'t despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. \
',' \
Falling in Love \
	When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in \
love.  You can tell you\'re in love by the way you feel: your head becomes \
light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you\'re walking on air, \
and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place.  Unfortunately, \
these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it\'s always a \
good idea to check with your doctor. \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
Falling in love is a lot like dying.  You never get to do it enough to \
become good at it. \
',' \
Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: \
 \
	"Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." \
 \
Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: \
 \
	P.O. Box 35 \
	Baffled Greek, Michigan \
',' \
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. \
		-- St. Augustine \
',' \
God is love, but get it in writing. \
		-- Gypsy Rose Lee \
',' \
"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental \
effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion." \
		-- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" \
',' \
He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won\'t \
encounter many rivals. \
		-- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms" \
',' \
Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. \
		-- The Wizard of Oz \
',' \
HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS: \
	Be sure it\'s true, when you say "I love you".  It\'s a sin to \
	tell a lie.  Millions of hearts have been broken, just because \
	these words were spoken. \
',' \
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. \
',' \
How much does she love you?  Less than you\'ll ever know. \
',' \
I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. \
		-- John Donne \
',' \
I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary \
relief to nymphomaniacs. \
		-- Larry Lee \
',' \
I don\'t want people to love me.  It makes for obligations. \
		-- Jean Anouilh \
',' \
I love you more than anything in this world.  I don\'t expect that will last. \
		-- Elvis Costello \
',' \
I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. \
		-- Roy Croft \
',' \
I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might commit \
some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it irresistible. \
		-- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer" \
',' \
I never loved another person the way I loved myself. \
		-- Mae West \
',' \
I think a relationship is like a shark.  It has to constantly move forward \
or it dies.  Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. \
		-- Mae West \
',' \
I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme \
foolishness.  I no longer thought that.  There\'s nothing foolish in \
loving anyone.  Thinking you\'ll be loved in return is what\'s foolish. \
		-- Rita Mae Brown \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I\'ve got \
to undo it." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.\'" \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but I\'m attending the opening of my garage door." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but I\'m converting my calendar watch from \
Julian to Gregorian." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but I\'m doing door-to-door collecting for static \
cling." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but I\'m having all my plants neutered." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but I\'m staying home to work on my \
cottage cheese sculpture." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but I\'m taking punk totem pole carving." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but I\'ve been scheduled for a karma transplant." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but it\'s my parakeet\'s bowling night." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned." \
',' \
"I\'d love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that \
need worrying about." \
',' \
I\'d love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. \
		-- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" \
',' \
	"I\'ll tell you what I know, then," he decided.  "The pin I\'m wearing \
means I\'m a member of the IA.  That\'s Inamorati Anonymous.  An inamorato is \
somebody in love.  That\'s the worst addiction of all." \
	"Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with \
them, or something?" \
	"Right.  The whole idea is to get where you don\'t need it.  I was \
lucky.  I kicked it young.  But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or \
not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming." \
	"You hold meetings, then, like the AA?" \
	"No, of course not.  You get a phone number, an answering service \
you can call.  Nobody knows anybody else\'s name; just the number in case \
it gets so bad you can\'t handle it alone.  We\'re isolates, Arnold.  Meetings \
would destroy the whole point of it." \
		-- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49" \
',' \
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? \
		-- Lily Tomlin \
',' \
If Love Were Oil, I\'d Be About A Quart Low \
		-- Book title by Lewis Grizzard \
',' \
If only you knew she loved you, you could face the uncertainty of \
whether you love her. \
',' \
If you can\'t be good, be careful.  If you can\'t be careful, give me a call. \
',' \
If you love someone, set them free. \
If they don\'t come back, then call them up when you\'re drunk. \
',' \
In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the \
other really likes. \
		-- Elizabeth Ashley \
',' \
In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to \
be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one\'s \
beloved. \
		-- Russell Baker \
',' \
In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. \
		-- Bruton \
',' \
In real love you want the other person\'s good.  In romantic love you \
want the other person. \
		-- Margaret Anderson \
',' \
It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. \
',' \
Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody \
who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth \
about his or her love affairs. \
		-- Rebecca West \
',' \
Let us live!!! \
Let us love!!! \
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! \
 \
You first. \
',' \
Let\'s just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. \
',' \
Let\'s not complicate our relationship by trying to communicate with each other. \
',' \
Lonely is a man without love. \
		-- Englebert Humperdinck \
',' \
Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood. \
',' \
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. \
',' \
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the \
world has ever seen. \
',' \
Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. \
		-- Sigmund Freud \
',' \
Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. \
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) \
',' \
Love is a grave mental disease. \
		-- Plato \
',' \
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips \
over, pinning you underneath.  At night the ice weasels come. \
		-- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" \
',' \
Love is always open arms.  With arms open you allow love to come and \
go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway.  If you close your \
arms about love you\'ll find you are left only holding yourself. \
',' \
Love is being stupid together. \
		-- Paul Valery \
',' \
Love is dope, not chicken soup.  I mean, love is something to be passed \
around freely, not spooned down someone\'s throat for their own good by a \
Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself. \
',' \
Love is in the offing. \
		-- The Homicidal Maniac \
',' \
Love is like a friendship caught on fire.  In the beginning a flame, very \
pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering.  As love \
grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning \
and unquenchable. \
		-- Bruce Lee \
',' \
Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. \
		-- Jerome K. Jerome \
',' \
Love is never asking why? \
',' \
Love is not enough, but it sure helps. \
',' \
Love is sentimental measles. \
',' \
Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult. \
',' \
Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. \
		-- M. Hirschfield \
',' \
Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. \
		-- Saint Exupery \
',' \
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. \
		-- H. L. Mencken \
',' \
Love IS what it\'s cracked up to be. \
',' \
Love is what you\'ve been through with somebody. \
		-- James Thurber \
',' \
Love isn\'t only blind, it\'s also deaf, dumb, and stupid. \
',' \
Love means having to say you\'re sorry every five minutes. \
',' \
Love means never having to say you\'re sorry. \
		-- Eric Segal, "Love Story" \
 \
That\'s the most ridiculous thing I\'ve ever heard. \
		-- Ryan O\'Neill, "What\'s Up Doc?" \
',' \
Love tells us many things that are not so. \
		-- Krainian Proverb \
',' \
May your SO always know when you need a hug. \
',' \
"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each \
other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone \
had to seek professional help." \
',' \
Most people don\'t need a great deal of love nearly so much as they need \
a steady supply. \
',' \
My cup hath runneth\'d over with love. \
',' \
Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. \
		-- Clare Booth Luce \
',' \
	"No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so \
simple, really.  "I didn\'t, for a long time, but I do now.  You just can\'t \
hold people, you can\'t own them.  I mean it\'s only natural, a natural process \
really.  Meet.  Love.  Part.  Life goes on.  There was never any reason to \
expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,\' you know."  There were \
those doubt-quotes of Smoky\'s, heavily indicated.  "I don\'t hold a grudge.  I \
can\'t." \
	"You do," Grandfather Trout said.  "And you don\'t understand." \
		-- Little, Big, "John Crowley" \
',' \
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. \
',' \
Of course it\'s possible to love a human being if you don\'t know them too well. \
		-- Charles Bukowski \
',' \
Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one \
arch-enemy -- and that is life. \
		-- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele" \
',' \
On a tous un peu peur de l\'amour, mais on a surtout peur de souffrir \
ou de faire souffrir. \
	[One is always a little afraid of love, but above all, one is \
	 afraid of pain or causing pain.] \
',' \
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings \
infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can \
grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it \
possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. \
		-- Rainer Rilke \
',' \
One expresses well the love he does not feel. \
		-- J.A. Karr \
',' \
People think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense. \
		-- Ken Kesey \
',' \
Really??  What a coincidence, I\'m shallow too!! \
',' \
Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... \
and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn\'t your turn. \
		-- N.V. Plyter \
',' \
Sometimes love ain\'t nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools. \
',' \
Sorry never means having your say to love. \
',' \
Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these \
days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate \
with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can\'t communicate, children \
who can\'t communicate with their parents, and so on.  And the characters in \
these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours \
bemoaning the fact that they can\'t communicate.  I feel that if a person can\'t \
communicate, the very _____least he can do is to shut up! \
		-- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" \
',' \
Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. \
',' \
That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, \
that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love \
in the same way as us. \
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe \
',' \
That\'s life for you, said McDunn.  Someone always waiting for someone who \
never comes home.  Always someone loving something more than that thing loves \
them.  And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that thing is, so it \
can\'t hurt you no more. \
		-- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" \
',' \
	The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time \
for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. \
	It\'s not that Miss Manners is immune to romance.  Miss Manners \
has been known to squeeze a gentleman\'s arm while being helped over a \
curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a \
foot or two under the dinner table.  Miss Manners also believes that the \
sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand \
dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of \
people shaking umbrellas at one another.  What Miss Manners objects to \
is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street... \
',' \
The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled today. \
',' \
The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. \
		-- Blaise Pascal \
',' \
The heart is wiser than the intellect. \
',' \
The little pieces of my life I give to you, with love, to make a quilt \
to keep away the cold. \
',' \
The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. \
		-- Benjamin Disraeli \
',' \
The myth of romantic love holds that once you\'ve fallen in love with the \
perfect partner, you\'re home free.  Unfortunately, falling out of love \
seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it. \
',' \
The only difference in the game of love over the last few thousand years \
is that they\'ve changed trumps from clubs to diamonds. \
		-- The Indianapolis Star \
',' \
The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt in the uneasiness \
experienced at being alone together. \
		-- Jean de la Bruyere \
',' \
The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. \
		-- Charles Pierce \
',' \
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. \
',' \
The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, \
and sixth years. \
',' \
The story of the butterfly: \
	"I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend.  I was in love, \
a long time ago.  I waited three days.  I was hungry but could not go \
out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her.  Then, on \
the third day, I heard a knock." \
	"I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight, \
there was nothing." \
	"Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away." \
		-- Peter Carey, BLISS \
',' \
The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- \
Scratch a lover and find a foe! \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" \
',' \
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. \
',' \
There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants \
and animals.  When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when \
the lights go out, they turn into animals.  But then again, don\'t we all? \
',' \
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. \
',' \
There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. \
		-- Paul Bourget \
',' \
There\'s so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. \
',' \
Timing must be perfect now.  Two-timing must be better than perfect. \
',' \
To be loved is very demoralizing. \
		-- Katharine Hepburn \
',' \
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three \
parts dead. \
		-- Bertrand Russell \
',' \
Total strangers need love, too; and I\'m stranger than most. \
',' \
True happiness will be found only in true love. \
',' \
Under deadline pressure for the next week.  If you want something, it can wait. \
Unless it\'s blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic... \
',' \
We don\'t believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. \
		-- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach \
',' \
What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires an accomplice. \
		-- Charles Baudelaire \
',' \
When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn \
They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem. \
		-- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy" \
',' \
Why I Can\'t Go Out With You: \
 \
I\'d LOVE to, but ... \
	-- I have to floss my cat. \
	-- I\'ve dedicated my life to linguini. \
	-- I need to spend more time with my blender. \
	-- it wouldn\'t be fair to the other Beautiful People. \
	-- it\'s my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. \
	-- I\'m going downtown to try on some gloves. \
	-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. \
	-- I\'m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. \
	-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. \
	-- I have some really hard words to look up. \
	-- I\'ve got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. \
	-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. \
',' \
Why I Can\'t Go Out With You: \
 \
I\'d LOVE to, but... \
	-- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. \
	-- None of my socks match. \
	-- I\'m having all my plants neutered. \
	-- I changed the lock on my door and now I can\'t get out. \
	-- My yucca plant is feeling yucky. \
	-- I\'m touring China with a wok band. \
	-- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. \
	-- I\'m running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student \
		named Basil Metabolism. \
	-- There are important world issues that need worrying about. \
	-- I\'m going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. \
	-- I prefer to remain an enigma. \
	-- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever. \
	-- I feel a song coming on. \
',' \
Why I Can\'t Go Out With You: \
 \
I\'d LOVE to, but... \
	-- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. \
	-- I have to sit up with a sick ant. \
	-- I\'m trying to be less popular. \
	-- My bathroom tiles need grouting. \
	-- I\'m waiting to see if I\'m already a winner. \
	-- My subconscious says no. \
	-- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I \
		can\'t seem to put it down. \
	-- My favorite commercial is on TV. \
	-- I have to study for my blood test. \
	-- I\'ve been traded to Cincinnati. \
	-- I\'m having my baby shoes bronzed. \
	-- I have to go to court for kitty littering. \
',' \
Why I Can\'t Go Out With You: \
 \
I\'d LOVE to, but... \
	-- I\'m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. \
	-- I\'m attending the opening of my garage door. \
	-- The monsters haven\'t turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. \
	-- I\'m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. \
	-- I have to fulfill my potential. \
	-- I don\'t want to leave my comfort zone. \
	-- It\'s too close to the turn of the century. \
	-- I have to bleach my hare. \
	-- I\'m worried about my vertical hold knob. \
	-- I left my body in my other clothes. \
',' \
Why I Can\'t Go Out With You: \
 \
I\'d LOVE to, but... \
	-- I\'ve got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. \
	-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. \
	-- I\'ve been scheduled for a karma transplant. \
	-- I\'m staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. \
	-- It\'s my parakeet\'s bowling night. \
	-- I\'m building a plant from a kit. \
	-- There\'s a disturbance in the Force. \
	-- I\'m doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. \
	-- I\'m teaching my ferret to yodel. \
	-- My crayons all melted together. \
',' \
"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it\'s hard enough to love \
you knowing nothing?" \
		-- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions \
',' \
Without love intelligence is dangerous; \
without intelligence love is not enough. \
		-- Ashley Montagu \
',' \
Wouldn\'t this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were a turn-on? \
		-- "Broadcast News" \
',' \
Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, but they won\'t go \
out with you if you don\'t have any. \
',' \
You shouldn\'t have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. \
		-- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children" \
',' \
A Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength.  It has been universally \
established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon \
or three normal sized billiard balls. \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" \
',' \
"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, \
let alone discuss with prospective clients.  Still, the fact remains that  \
there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,  \
completely immune to any direct magical spell.  It is for this group of \
beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. \
It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club \
near your person at all times." \
		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII \
',' \
An ancient proverb summed it up: when a wizard is tired of looking for \
broken glass in his dinner, it ran, he is tired of life. \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" \
',' \
Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world. \
',' \
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they become soggy and hard to \
light. \
 \
Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, for they are subtle and \
quick to anger. \
',' \
"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good \
with ketchup." \
',' \
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. \
		-- Aleister Crowley \
',' \
Eight was also the Number of Bel-Shamharoth, which was why a sensible wizard \
would never mention the number if he could avoid it.  Or you\'ll be eight \
alive, apprentices were jocularly warned.  Bel-Shamharoth was especially \
attracted to dabblers in magic who, by being as it were beachcombers on the \
shores of the unnatural, were already half-enmeshed in his nets. \
Rincewind\'s room number in his hall of residence had been 7a.  He hadn\'t \
been surprised. \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Sending of Eight" \
',' \
"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded.  "And why were you afraid \
to let her touch you?  I saw you.  You were afraid of her." \
	"I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat \
replied without rancor.  "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were  \
you.  As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be \
deceived by appearances.  Unlike human beings, who enjoy them.  As for your \
second question --"  Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested \
in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then \
licked himself smooth again.  Even then he would not look at Molly, but  \
examined his claws. \
	"If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been \
hers and not my own, not ever again." \
		-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" \
',' \
It is a well known fact that warriors and wizards do not get along, because \
one side considers the other side to be a collection of bloodthirsty idiots \
who can\'t walk and think at the same time, while the other side is naturally \
suspicious of a body of men who mumble a lot and wear long dresses.  Oh, say \
the wizards, if we\'re going to be like that, then, what about all those \
studded collars and oiled muscles down at the Young Men\'s Pagan Association? \
To which the heroes reply, that\'s a pretty good allegation from a bunch of \
wimpsoes who won\'t go near a woman on account, can you believe it, of their \
mystical power being sort of drained out.  Right, say the wizards, that just \
about does it, you and your leather posing pouches.  Oh yeah, say the the \
heroes, why don\'t you ... \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" \
',' \
It is well known that *things* from undesirable universes are always seeking \
an entrance into this one, which is the psychic equivalent of handy for the \
buses and closer to the shops. \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" \
',' \
	It seems there\'s this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships \
for a few years.  He doesn\'t have to change his routines much as the audiences \
change over fairly often, and he\'s got a good life.   The only problem is the \
ship\'s parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year \
after year.  Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and \
starts giving it away for the audience.  For example, when the magician makes \
a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back!  Behind \
his back!"  Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there\'s not much \
he can do about it as the parrot is a ship\'s mascot and very popular with the \
passengers. \
	One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without \
a trace.  Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the \
parrot.  For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging \
to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. \
As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to \
the magician\'s end of the log.  With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps \
"OK, you win, I give up.  Where did you hide the ship?" \
',' \
Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. \
		-- Aleister Crowley \
',' \
Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. \
',' \
No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously \
cramp his style. \
',' \
Rincewind had generally been considered by his tutors to be a natural wizard \
in the same way that fish are natural mountaineers.  He probably would have \
been thrown out of Unseen University anyway--he couldn\'t remember spells and \
smoking made him feel ill. \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" \
',' \
Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. \
',' \
The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the \
Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab\'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing". \
',' \
"The first rule of magic is simple.  Don\'t waste your time waving your \
hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do." \
		-- McCloctnik the Lucid \
',' \
	The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he \
reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.  The Gray \
Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace \
of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of \
him are dead, he is alive. \
	"Now about Lankhmar.  She\'s been invaded, her walls breached \
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce \
host which out-numbers Lankhamar\'s inhabitants by fifty to one -- and \
equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city." \
	"How?" demanded Fafhrd. \
	Ningauble shrugged.  "You\'re a hero.  You should know." \
		-- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar" \
',' \
	"Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly.  "What use is \
wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?"  He gripped the magician\'s shoulder \
hard, to keep from falling. \
	Schmendrick did not turn his head.  With a touch of sad mockery in \
his voice, he said, "That\'s what heroes are for." \
... \
	"Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said.  "That is exactly what heroes \
are for.  Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but \
heroes are meant to die for unicorns." \
		-- Peter Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" \
',' \
There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and \
fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here \
and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for \
wonder.  There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up \
your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence. \
		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII \
',' \
Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about \
problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that \
if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be \
embarrassingly good at it ... \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" \
',' \
Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. \
		-- Tom Robbins \
',' \
	"Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly.  "In the past year \
strange and fearful wonders I have seen.  Fields sown with barley reap \
crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. \
There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon.  Calendars are made with \
a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance \
salesmen.  The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in \
square knots.  The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down \
soggy potato chips." \
	"But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. \
	"Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good \
copy." \
		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" \
',' \
Watch Rincewind. \
 \
Look at him.  Scrawny, like most wizards, and clad in a dark red robe on \
which a few mystic sigils were embroidered in tarnished sequins. Some might \
have taken him for a mere apprentice enchanter who had run away from his \
master out of defiance, boredom, fear and a lingering taste for \
heterosexuality.  Yet around his neck was a chain bearing the bronze octagon \
that marked him as an alumnus of Unseen University, the high school of magic \
whose time-and-space transcendent campus is never precisely Here or There. \
Graduates were usually destined for mageship at least, but Rincewind--after \
an unfortunate event--had left knowing only one spell and made a living of \
sorts around the town by capitalizing on an innate gift for languages.  He \
avoided work as a rule, but had a quickness of wit that put his \
acquaintances in mind of a bright rodent. \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic" \
',' \
What is a magician but a practising theorist? \
		-- Obi-Wan Kenobi \
',' \
What use is magic if it can\'t save a unicorn? \
		-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" \
',' \
When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever. \
I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never \
to be seen again. \
		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" \
',' \
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: \
 \
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. \
	Involvement with the patient\'s suffering might cause him to lose \
	valuable scientific objectivity. \
 \
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. \
	Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the \
	gentleness and reassurance he can get. \
 \
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. \
	Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. \
',' \
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: \
 \
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. \
	You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into \
	the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent \
	disability you may have experienced. \
 \
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. \
	It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be \
	explained in terms that you would understand. \
 \
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY. \
	Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting \
	research paper will surely be of widespread interest. \
',' \
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: \
 \
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. \
	You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, \
	to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. \
 \
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. \
	It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. \
 \
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE \
   OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. \
	The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a \
	sacred duty to protect him from exposure. \
 \
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR\'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. \
	This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. \
',' \
A distraught patient phoned her doctor\'s office.  "Was it true," the woman \
inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest \
of her life?" \
	She was told that it was.  There was just a moment of silence before \
the woman proceeded bravely on.  "Well, I\'m wondering, then, how serious my \
condition is.  This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS\'". \
',' \
A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests.  "I have \
some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news."  The bad news is \
that you only have six weeks to live." \
	"Oh, no," says the patient.  "What could possibly be worse than that?" \
	"Well," the doctor replies, "I\'ve been trying to reach you since \
last Monday." \
',' \
A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither \
physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even \
when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting." \
		-- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925 \
',' \
A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth.  Afterwards, the doctor \
came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." \
	"Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. \
	"Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don\'t know how.  Your son \
(we assume) was born with no body.  He only has a head." \
	Well, the doctor was correct.  The Head was alive and well, though no \
one knew how.  The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of \
a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under \
the circumstances. \
	One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a \
phone call from another doctor.  The doctor said, "I have recently perfected \
an operation.  Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto \
his head!" \
	The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung \
up.  She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* \
surprise for you!" \
	"Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" \
',' \
After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,  \
claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life \
in a wheelchair.  Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his \
bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable  of walking, the \
judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. \
	When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, \
Miller was confronted by several executives.  "You\'re not getting away with \
this, Miller," one said.  "We\'re going to watch you day and night.  If you \
take a single step, you\'ll not only repay the damages but stand trial for \
perjury.  Here\'s the money.  What do you intend to do with it?" \
	"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied.  "We\'ll go to \
Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- \
where, gentlemen, you\'ll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." \
',' \
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that \
brought tears to my eyes.  He said, "No hablo ingles." \
		-- Ronnie Shakes \
',' \
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. \
		-- Samuel Goldwyn \
',' \
Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential \
ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common \
cold.  You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking \
cap you can find.  You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, \
then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can\'t see the cap.  I\'ve \
never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. \
		-- Peter Nelson \
',' \
	As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who\'s been in therapy \
for more than 15 percent of their life span.  The words "I am sorry" and "I \
am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary.  They will stab \
you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your \
friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: \
"Sure, I put your dog in the microwave.  But I feel *better* for doing it." \
		-- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" \
',' \
At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news \
to the patients.  The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to \
die in six months.  Go in and tell him."  The intern boldly walks into the \
room, over to the man\'s bedisde and tells him "Seems like you\'re gonna die!" \
The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot.  The doctor \
grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron? \
You\'ve got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject.  Now this man in \
213 has about a week to live.  Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me, \
gently!" \
	The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily \
opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man\'s bedside, fluffs \
his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!"  "Wonderful day, no?  Say... \
guess who\'s going to die soon!" \
',' \
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. \
',' \
Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. \
',' \
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long \
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They \
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy \
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, \
not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find \
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the \
others who have tried it. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Cure the disease and kill the patient. \
		-- Francis Bacon \
',' \
Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. \
',' \
Dental health is next to mental health. \
',' \
Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? \
Simple coincidence? \
Maybe... \
',' \
For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire life \
to date.  He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days now.  He has \
the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets when he suddenly \
realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch in the coat closet \
and neither parent [because of the flu] would have the strength to object. \
He has been foraging for his own food, which means his diet consists \
entirely of "food" substances which are advertised only on Saturday-morning \
cartoon shows; substances that are the color of jukebox lights and that, for \
legal reasons, have their names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy \
Chok-\'n\'-Cheez Lumps o\' Froot ("part of this complete breakfast"). \
		-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" \
',' \
Fortune\'s Exercising Truths: \
 \
1:  Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic.  You don\'t. \
2.  Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart.  So do heart attacks. \
3.  Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life. \
4.  Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing. \
5.  No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done \
    quietly at your desk at work.  People will suspect manic tendencies as \
    you twitter around in your chair. \
6.  Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers. \
7.  Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around \
    for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard \
    racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. \
8.  Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups, \
    followed by one throw-up. \
9.  Any activity that can\'t be done while smoking should be avoided. \
',' \
[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology \
Association, in Rome]: \
 \
The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria and \
of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not spring \
from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, or of means \
of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in millions of \
individuals in system functions which, once they have reached the event \
maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology engaging a suitable \
stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, president, political \
party, etc.) to consummate the act of social schizophrenia in mass genocide. \
',' \
God is dead and I don\'t feel all too well either.... \
		-- Ralph Moonen \
',' \
"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. \
',' \
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. \
		-- Ingrid Bergman \
',' \
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. \
',' \
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying \
of nothing. \
		-- Redd Foxx \
',' \
His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. \
		-- P.G. Wodehouse \
',' \
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. \
Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating \
table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into \
a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and \
walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory \
x-ray film.  In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. \
',' \
I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. \
		-- Chauncey Depew \
',' \
I got the bill for my surgery.  Now I know what those doctors were \
wearing masks for. \
		-- James Boren \
',' \
	"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." \
	"Did you ever see a doctor?" \
	"No, just spots." \
',' \
If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, \
and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can \
convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. \
		-- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" \
',' \
	If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction. \
	On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, \
that is also a psychological interaction. \
	The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not \
so friendly. \
	The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. \
		-- Dolph Sharp, "I\'m O.K., You\'re Not So Hot" \
',' \
If you look like your driver\'s license photo -- see a doctor. \
If you look like your passport photo -- it\'s too late for a doctor. \
',' \
It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn\'t a dentist. \
It produces a false impression. \
		-- Oscar Wilde. \
',' \
It\'s no longer a question of staying healthy.  It\'s a question of finding \
a sickness you like. \
		-- Jackie Mason \
',' \
It\'s not reality or how you perceive things that\'s important -- it\'s \
what you\'re taking for it... \
',' \
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn\'t mean he \
knows what it is. \
',' \
Laetrile is the pits. \
',' \
My doctorate\'s in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. \
',' \
Neurotics build castles in the sky, \
Psychotics live in them, \
And psychiatrists collect the rent. \
',' \
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. \
		-- Erma Bombeck \
',' \
New England Life, of course.  Why do you ask? \
',' \
	page 46 \
...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai \
Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used \
to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative.  "The group \
on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, \
"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were \
on placebo." \
	page 56 \
The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body. \
Illness is always an interaction between both.  It can begin in the mind and \
affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of \
which are served by the same bloodstream.  Attempts to treat most mental \
diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts \
to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must \
be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human \
body functions. \
		-- Norman Cousins, \
		"Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" \
',' \
Paralysis through analysis. \
',' \
Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, but left to itself, \
a cold will hang on for a week. \
		-- Darrell Huff \
',' \
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents\' \
shortcomings. \
		-- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter\'s Principles" \
',' \
Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself a therapy. \
		-- Karl Kraus \
 \
Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd. \
 \
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. \
		-- C.G. Jung \
',' \
Psychology.  Mind over matter.  Mind under matter?  It doesn\'t matter. \
Never mind. \
',' \
Pushing 30 is exercise enough. \
',' \
Pushing 40 is exercise enough. \
',' \
Quit worrying about your health.  It\'ll go away. \
		-- Robert Orben \
',' \
Sigmund\'s wife wore Freudian slips. \
',' \
Some people need a good imaginary cure for their painful imaginary ailment. \
',' \
Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. \
',' \
Straw?  No, too stupid a fad.  I put soot on warts. \
',' \
Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness.  To avoid overload \
and burnout, keep stress out of your life.  Give it to others instead.  Learn \
the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the \
"Do you feel okay?  You look pale." approach.  Start with negotiation and \
implication.  Advance to manipulation and humiliation.  Above all, relax \
and have a nice day. \
',' \
The 80\'s -- when you can\'t tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. \
',' \
"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
"The molars, I\'m sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of \
themselves," the old man said, no longer to me.  "But what will become  \
of the bicuspids?" \
		-- The Old Man and his Bridge \
',' \
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree \
that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. \
',' \
The real reason psychology is hard is that psychologists are trying to \
do the impossible. \
',' \
The reason they\'re called wisdom teeth is that the experience makes you wise. \
',' \
The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food. \
',' \
The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to \
deal with: death. \
		-- Michael Phelps \
',' \
The Vet Who Surprised A Cow \
	In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary \
surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow.  To investigate its internal \
gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial \
expression and struck a match.  The jet of flame set fire first to some \
bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.  \
The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to \
the magistrates.  The cow escaped with shock. \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
We have the flu.  I don\'t know if this particular strain has an official \
name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu".  You \
may have had it yourself.  The main symptom is that you wish you had another \
setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION". \
	Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) \
your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength.  Midway through the brushing \
process, you\'d have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple \
of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your \
mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that \
would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the \
police would find you. \
	You know the kind of flu I\'m talking about. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" \
',' \
	"Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn.  Evelyn, will \
you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the \
psycho-prompter couch?" \
	"Thank you, Red." \
	"Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing \
your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior \
pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem." \
	"Yes, Red." \
	"But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy \
repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times.  Now, \
at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off \
your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900.  Now, any combination of \
two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive \
projections will put you out of the game.  Are you willing to go ahead?" \
	"Yes, Red." \
	"I might say here that all of Evelyn\'s questions and answers have \
been checked for accuracy with her analyst.  Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 \
explain the failure of your three marriages." \
	"Well, I--" \
	"We\'ll get back to Evelyn in one minute.  First a word about our \
product." \
		-- Jules Feiffer \
',' \
When a lot of remedies are suggested for a disease, that means it can\'t \
be cured. \
		-- Anton Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard" \
',' \
Your digestive system is your body\'s Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, \
dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being \
attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last \
minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the \
Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.  We Americans live in a nation where the \
medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe \
25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in \
seconds if we felt like it. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You\'re Dead" \
',' \
94% of the women in America are beautiful and the rest hang out around here. \
',' \
A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. \
',' \
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out \
of a divorce. \
		-- Don Quinn \
',' \
A bachelor is an unaltared male. \
',' \
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty \
and a boy for ever. \
		-- Helen Rowland \
',' \
A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot \
the horse, but it don\'t fix the leg. \
',' \
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and \
purgatory for the purse.  \
',' \
A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. \
		-- Kipling \
',' \
A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. \
		-- Emerson \
',' \
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance \
of turning around three times before lying down. \
		-- Robert Benchley \
',' \
A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. \
		-- John Steinbeck \
',' \
A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed \
a very charming woman staring admiringly at him.  He walked over and spoke  \
with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked \
in as Mr. and Mrs. \
	After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front  \
desk and told the clerk he was checking out.  In a few minutes, he was handed \
a bill for $2500. \
	"There must be some mistake," the salesman said.  "I\'ve been here for \
only three days." \
	"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.  "But your wife has been here a month \
and a half." \
',' \
A Code of Honour: never approach a friend\'s girlfriend or wife with mischief \
as your goal.  There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of \
dishonourable behaviour.  Unless she\'s really attractive. \
		-- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy" \
',' \
A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman\'s birthday but never her age. \
		-- Robert Frost \
',' \
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember \
your birthday when you never look any older?" \
',' \
	A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl.  He came back from \
his honeymoon a chastened man.  He\'d become aware of the will of the wisp. \
',' \
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. \
',' \
A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood \
waiting for a taxi. \
	"Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel.  "I\'m going west." \
	"How wonderful," came the cool reply.  "Bring me back an orange." \
',' \
A fool and his honey are soon parted. \
',' \
A fox is a wolf who sends flowers. \
		-- Ruth Weston \
',' \
A gentleman is a man who wouldn\'t hit a lady with his hat on. \
		-- Evan Esar \
		[ And why not?  For why does she have his hat on?  Ed.] \
',' \
A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. \
		-- Fred Allen \
',' \
A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. \
A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. \
But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. \
		-- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" \
',' \
A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. \
		-- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" \
',' \
A girl\'s best friend is her mutter. \
		-- Dorothy Parker \
',' \
A girl\'s conscience doesn\'t really keep her from doing anything wrong-- \
it merely keeps her from enjoying it. \
',' \
A good man always knows his limitations. \
		-- Harry Callahan \
',' \
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband. \
		-- Michel de Montaigne \
',' \
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so a girl doesn\'t lose her confidence. \
',' \
A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never. \
',' \
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. \
		-- Helen Rowland \
',' \
A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. \
		-- Lillian Day \
',' \
A man always needs to remember one thing about a beautiful woman. \
 \
Somewhere, somebody\'s tired of her. \
',' \
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after \
that begins to bunch them. \
		-- Mencken \
',' \
A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, \
who swore how much they were in love.  To quiet the enraged husband, the \
lover suggested, "Friends shouldn\'t fight, let\'s play gin rummy.  If I win, \
you get a divorce so I can marry her.  If you win, I promise never to see \
her again.  Okay?" \
 \
"Alright," agreed the husband.  "But how about a quarter a point \
on the side to make it interesting?" \
',' \
A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he\'s married.  After \
that it\'s cheating. \
		-- Yves Montand \
',' \
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. \
		-- Du Bois \
',' \
A man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is finished. \
		-- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek" \
',' \
A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. \
		-- Brendan Francis \
',' \
A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, \
He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. \
		-- Richard Thompson \
',' \
A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. \
		-- Samuel Johnson \
',' \
A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, \
but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim. \
',' \
A man sank into the psychiatrist\'s couch and said, "I have a \
terrible problem, Doctor.  I have a son at Harvard and another son at \
Princeton; I\'ve just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I\'ve got \
homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I\'ve \
got a thriving ranch in Venezuela.  My wife is a gorgeous young actress \
who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." \
	The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused.  "Did I miss \
something?  It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." \
	"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." \
',' \
A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time.  After he\'d given her \
some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later.  Before \
he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who \
might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill.  If that happened, he told \
her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to \
her aid.   \
	Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly \
by the agreed upon signal.  Running to the scene, he found his wife standing \
in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel. \
	"He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset. \
	"She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied.  "I \
just want to get my saddle back!" \
',' \
A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions \
he is able to answer. \
		-- Ronald Colman \
',' \
A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a \
late card games. \
	"You wouldn\'t believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," \
he said.  "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast \
into the garage.  Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and \
tiptoe to our room.  But just as I\'m about to slide into bed, she always \
wakes up and gives me hell." \
	"I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied. \
	"You do?" \
	"Sure.  I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, \
stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss.  `Hi, Alice,\' I say. \
`How about a little smooch for your old man?\'" \
	"And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief. \
	"She doesn\'t say anything," his buddy replied.  "She always pretends \
she\'s asleep." \
',' \
A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly, \
	"Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee, \
why did you Di......eeee" \
The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely, \
	"Excuse me, sir, but I\'ve been seeing you for hours now, \
carrying on at this grave.  You must have been very close to the deceased." \
	"No, I never met him.  Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee, \
why....eeeee did you.." \
	"Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so? \
Tell, me who is buried here?" \
	"My wife\'s first husband." \
',' \
A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.  "You know," he \
says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to \
me, but there\'s *always* that doubt.  There\'s *always* that little doubt." \
	"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies. \
	"Well, buddy, I\'ve got to leave on a business trip this weekend, \
and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I\'m gone?  I trust \
her, it\'s just that there\'s *always* that doubt." \
	The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report. \
	"I\'ve got some bad news for you," says the friend.  "The evening \
after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.  A man \
got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. \
After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him.  Then, he \
took off his shirt and she took off her blouse.  And then the light went \
out." \
	"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide. \
	"Well, I don\'t know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see." \
	"Damn!" roared the husband.  "You see what I mean?  There\'s *always* \
that doubt!" \
',' \
A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. \
',' \
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. \
',' \
A man\'s gotta know his limitations. \
		-- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry" \
',' \
A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object \
in the whole creation. \
		-- Goldsmith \
',' \
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman \
makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. \
		-- Frost \
',' \
A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. \
		-- Gloria Steinem \
',' \
A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. \
',' \
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions \
your wife asks you for nothing. \
		-- Joey Adams \
',' \
	A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don\'t all these \
stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"  "It isn\'t the stops and starts \
that get on my nerves, it\'s the jerks." \
',' \
A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. \
		-- Overheard in an algebra lecture. \
',' \
A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who \
demanded, "Was she not chaste?  Was she not fair?  Was she not fruitful?" \
holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. \
Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. \
		-- Plutarch \
',' \
	A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. \
As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible \
eyeing him and giggling.  One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty!  What\'s worn \
under the kilt?" \
	He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you \
SURE you want to know?"  Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did \
really want to know. \
	The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing\'s worn \
under the kilt, everything\'s in perfect workin\' order!" \
',' \
A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist \
thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the \
problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male \
aggression.  Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy \
away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman\'s \
participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility \
will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to \
men.  More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to \
idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by \
the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own \
submission.  To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to \
is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. \
		-- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love" \
',' \
A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the \
consequences and implications of a married man\'s having a mistress.  The \
sociologist\'s opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable \
for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly \
and lustful pursuits. \
	The psychologist\'s opinion was that although morally reprehensible, \
if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, \
then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he \
is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife. \
	The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, \
a married man is entitled to a mistress.  However, I do not see why the \
affair should be concealed from the wife.  On the contrary, if the affair \
is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he \
is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with \
his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!" \
',' \
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there \
*for the rest of your life*. \
		-- Jim Samuels \
',' \
A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it \
were quite a struggle. \
		-- Edna Ferber \
',' \
A woman can never be too rich or too thin. \
',' \
A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. \
To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. \
		-- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed" \
',' \
A woman forgives the audacity of which her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. \
		-- LeSage \
',' \
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be \
thankful for a good one. \
		-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings \
',' \
A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows. \
		-- Chamfort \
',' \
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, \
it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. \
		-- Nietzsche \
',' \
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times \
over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of \
pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. \
		-- Stendhal \
',' \
A woman shouldn\'t have to buy her own perfume. \
		-- Maurine Lewis \
',' \
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. \
		-- Gloria Steinem \
',' \
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. \
Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. \
',' \
A woman\'s best protection is a little money of her own. \
		-- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women" \
',' \
A woman\'s place is in the house... and in the Senate. \
',' \
A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, \
should conceal it as well as she can. \
		-- Jane Austen \
',' \
	A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a \
little pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to \
save your marriage, you\'d better be a little boulder." \
',' \
A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted \
a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window.  "Wow, I\'d sure love to \
have that!" she gushed. \
	"No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the \
window and grabbing the ring. \
	A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat.  "What \
I\'d give to own that," she said, sighing. \
	"No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing \
the coat. \
	Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership.  "Boy, I\'d do \
anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said. \
	"Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I\'m made of bricks?" \
',' \
A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany\'s on a Friday evening and \
walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces.  He turns to a gorgeous \
woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and \
says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace.  If you\'ll \
allow me, I\'d like to buy it for you." \
	The woman looks him up and down; he\'s wearing a nice suit and some \
pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. \
	"Look, this is some kind of put on, right?" \
	"No, really.  You see, I\'ve got quite a lot of money -- so much that \
I could never spend it all.  I\'d really like for you to have it." \
	The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, \
calls over a clerk and hands it to him.  The clerk peers at the check, looks \
at the young man, looks at the check again.  "Very good, sir.  I\'m afraid I \
can\'t release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?" \
	"That\'ll be fine, she\'ll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out \
of the store with the woman following him in a daze. \
	The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. \
The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I\'m sorry to have to tell \
you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds." \
	"I know," the man replies.  "I just wanted to thank you for a \
terrific weekend." \
',' \
AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! \
You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room! \
',' \
Ain\'t nothin\' an old man can do for me but bring me a message from a young man. \
		-- Moms Mabley \
',' \
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them \
continues to pay for it. \
		-- Peggy Joyce \
',' \
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. \
		-- Arthur Baer \
',' \
Alimony is the curse of the writing classes. \
		-- Norman Mailer \
',' \
All heiresses are beautiful. \
		-- John Dryden \
',' \
All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell \
them apart. \
',' \
All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car, \
a cat, no maybe a dog.  Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog. \
Definitely a dog. \
',' \
All the men on my staff can type. \
		-- Bella Abzug \
',' \
All work and no pay makes a housewife. \
',' \
American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise \
is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it.  Consequently, \
any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations \
in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners.  She is not required to know how \
to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her \
husband drives, and if she can\'t, or if she\'s abnormally slow in giving him \
help, she\'s bound to cause trouble.  Therefore, you\'d think that colleges \
which train the bright young women who\'re going to marry the bright young \
men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this \
continent would teach the girls to read maps.  None do. They teach a hundred \
other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the \
greatest friction. \
		-- James Michener, "Space" \
',' \
	An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same \
time.  One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they \
had the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We\'ll \
teach you that you can\'t have your Kate and Edith, too." \
',' \
An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. \
A pessimist is a married optimist. \
',' \
"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came \
upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and smiled at her \
companion. \
 \
"See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!" \
',' \
And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to \
have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon \
the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let \
loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: \
in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest \
license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. \
		-- Charles Dickens \
',' \
Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out \
photographs of their families every year.  In the same mail that brought the \
greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece. \
"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed.  I don\'t know why women want to \
record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought \
upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but \
between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are \
family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little \
signs of dissolution or derangement.  Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid, \
than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control \
of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously \
drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn\'t know what to wear. \
Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking \
"young enough to be her son," but they don\'t always escape so easily, and a \
couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle \
a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply.  "Good Lord!" the wife will say. \
"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn\'t he?"  "Not to me," the \
husband may reply.  "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is \
being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir \
singer." \
		-- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas" \
',' \
Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid. \
		-- Hedy Lamarr \
',' \
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her. \
',' \
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best \
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the \
posh hotel. \
	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman. \
	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. \
	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me a \
postcard?" \
',' \
As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; and \
considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to be childless. \
 \
The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, \
a separation. \
		-- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763 \
',' \
Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she \
said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and \
released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her \
right cheek.  She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she \
learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball.  She told the \
writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn\'t write it in your \
newspaper.  I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed.  *Especially* to \
bed.  Guys were after me like you can\'t believe.  That\'s when I started \
chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it\'s not \
as bad as this.  This is the worst chew in the world.  After this, \
everything else is peaches and cream."  The writers elected Gentleman Jim, \
the Sparrow\'s P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted, \
and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he \
couldn\'t talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You\'ve been chewing this for \
two years?  God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman." \
		-- Garrison Keillor \
',' \
At last I\'ve found the girl of my dreams.  Last night she said to me, \
"Once more, Strange, and this time *I\'ll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. \
		-- Strange de Jim \
',' \
Bachelors\' wives and old maids\' children are always perfect. \
		-- Nicolas Chamfort \
',' \
Basically my wife was immature.  I\'d be at home in the bath and she\'d \
come in and sink my boats. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
Be circumspect in your liaisons with women.  It is better to be seen at \
the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. \
		-- De Maintenon \
',' \
Be prepared to accept sacrifices.  Vestal virgins aren\'t all that bad. \
',' \
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another. \
',' \
Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two. \
',' \
Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage \
they are "Let\'s eat out." \
',' \
Behind every successful man you\'ll find a woman with nothing to wear. \
',' \
Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome \
to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party.  And yet another guest went over \
and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?" \
	"Not too well," said the expectant mother.  "You know, I\'ve missed \
seven or eight periods now and it\'s beginning to worry me." \
',' \
Being owned by someone used to be called slavery -- now it\'s called commitment. \
',' \
Benny Hill:	Would you like a peanut? \
Girl:		No, thank you, I don\'t want to be under obligation. \
Benny Hill:	You won\'t be under obligation for a peanut.   \
		It\'s not as if it were a chocolate bar or something. \
',' \
Bigamy is having one spouse too many.  Monogamy is the same. \
',' \
Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black \
nightgowns do with keeping warm. \
		-- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" \
',' \
Boys are beyond the range of anybody\'s sure understanding, at least \
when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. \
		-- James Thurber \
',' \
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. \
		-- Kin Hubbard \
',' \
Brigands will demand your money or your life, but a woman will demand both. \
		-- Samuel Butler \
',' \
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you\'ll become happy; if you \
get a bad one, you\'ll become a philosopher. \
		-- Socrates \
',' \
Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles. \
		-- Kathleen Norris \
',' \
Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she \
were a man. \
		-- Joubert \
',' \
Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. \
		-- William Congreve \
',' \
Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the \
opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. \
		-- Oliver Herford \
',' \
Dear Miss Manners: \
I carry a big black umbrella, even if there\'s just a thirty percent chance of \
rain.  May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? \
This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella \
protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting \
soaked.  I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken, \
and I don\'t even know her name.  Could I have asked her to get under my \
umbrella without seeming insulting? \
 \
Gentle Reader: \
Certainly.  Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper, \
although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how \
attractive she is.  In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss \
Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection \
before making your attack. \
',' \
Dear Miss Manners: \
Please list some tactful ways of removing a man\'s saliva from your face. \
 \
Gentle Reader: \
Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man\'s saliva on your face. If \
the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic \
discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief, and \
go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth along \
your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route.  If, however, \
the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more intimate \
nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your pink tongue. \
',' \
Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first \
step.  The second is justification of herself by accusation of you. \
		-- DeGourmont \
',' \
Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long \
together if ever we had been married? \
',' \
Don\'t assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may \
have got him. \
',' \
Don\'t know what time I\'ll be back, Mom.  Probably soon after she throws me out. \
',' \
Don\'t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. \
		-- Scottish Proverb \
',' \
Dull women have immaculate homes. \
',' \
	During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet \
luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served.  Returning for a second \
helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" \
	"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for \
white meat or dark meat."  Churchill apologized profusely. \
	The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from \
her guest of honor.  The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if \
you would pin this on your white meat." \
',' \
Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least \
principle draw the most interest. \
',' \
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe. \
		-- Jackie Mason \
',' \
... eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his \
original joy his falling in love with Ada. \
		-- Nabokov \
',' \
	Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant \
professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a \
male schlemiel. \
		-- Ewald Nyquist \
',' \
	Eugene d\'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. \
At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly \
after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, \
"Congratulations, Herr d\'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so \
charming a wife." \
',' \
"Even nowadays a man can\'t step up and kill a woman without feeling \
just a bit unchivalrous ..." \
		-- Robert Benchley \
',' \
Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done it all himself, \
and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. \
		-- Barrie \
',' \
Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and \
if you want to use yours for growing hair, that\'s fine with me. \
',' \
Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more \
stressful than divorce. \
		-- Wall Street Journal \
',' \
Feminists just want the human race to be a tie. \
',' \
First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really \
self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull\'s Other Island" \
',' \
Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. \
		-- Helen Rowland \
',' \
For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. \
		-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry \
 \
When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all. \
		-- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life" \
',' \
For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. \
		-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry \
 \
When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all. \
		-- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life" \
',' \
For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! \
but with break of day I went to make supplication. \
		-- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. \
',' \
For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___. \
When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged \
him to do so.  "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to \
spend my evenings?" \
		-- Chamfort \
',' \
Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils. \
',' \
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#14 \
 \
Low Blows: \
	Let\'s say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One \
of the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee.  That must \
hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. \
 \
Dressing Up: \
	A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the \
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.   A man will dress up \
for: weddings, funerals.  Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about \
weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men laugh about "the bachelor \
party". \
 \
David Letterman: \
	Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the \
Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. \
',' \
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#16 \
 \
Relationships: \
	First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he \
refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular \
basis". \
	When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to \
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".  Then \
she will get on with her life. \
	A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the \
breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just \
wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I\'ll never forgive you, and I \
hate you, and you\'re a total floozy.  But I want you to know that there\'s \
always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" \
drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once.  There are \
community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, \
these classes rarely prove effective. \
',' \
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#17 \
 \
Shoes: \
	 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, \
boots, and slippers.  The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor \
of her closet.  Most of them hurt her feet. \
  \
Making friends: \
	 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things \
together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." \
	A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things \
together, and say nothing.  After years of interacting with this other man, \
sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn\'t confide in his priest or \
psychiatrist, he\'ll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken \
sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who\'s such a \
jerk, I guess you\'re OK." \
',' \
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#2 \
 \
Desserts: \
	A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic \
work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before \
she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge.  A man will start by \
grabbing the cherry in the center. \
 \
Car repair: \
	The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair \
manuals for every car made since World War II.  He will work on a problem \
himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can\'t be \
fixed without special tools". \
	The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an \
accurate description of an automotive problem.  She will, however, have the \
car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than \
the average man. \
',' \
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#4 \
 \
Clothes: \
	Men don\'t discard clothes.  The average man still has the gym shirt \
he wore in high school.  He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about \
the time it develops holes in the elbows.  A man will let new shirts sit on \
the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting \
them to use, hoping they\'ll become more comfortable with age. \
	Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. \
They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year\'s fashions. \
',' \
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#5 \
 \
Trust: \
	The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling \
around behind her back.  This same woman wouldn\'t tell her best friend if \
she knew the best friends\' mate was having an affair.  She\'ll tell all her \
OTHER friends, however.  The average man won\'t say anything if he knows that \
one of his friend\'s mates is fooling around, and he\'d rather not know if \
his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one \
of his friends.  He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, \
so they can be ready if he needs an alibi. \
 \
Driving: \
	A typical man thinks he\'s Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind \
the wheel of his car.  The fact that it\'s an 8-year-old Honda doesn\'t keep \
him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who\'s attempting \
to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The \
Right Stuff on the morning commute.  Does he or doesn\'t he?  Only his body \
shop knows for sure.  Insurance companies understand this behavior, and \
price their policies accordingly. \
	A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get \
rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to \
her makeup. \
',' \
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#6 \
 \
Bathrooms: \
	A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, \
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. \
The average number of items in the typical woman\'s bathroom is 437.  A man \
would not be able to identify most of these items. \
 \
Groceries: \
	A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store \
and buys these things.  A man waits \'til the only items left in his fridge \
are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys \
everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, \
his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett\'s car on Beverly Hillbillies. \
Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane. \
',' \
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#8 \
 \
Going Out: \
	When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go \
out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready \
to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup, \
checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend... \
 \
Cats: \
	Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren\'t \
looking, men kick cats. \
 \
Offspring: \
	Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows \
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends \
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  Men are vaguely \
aware of some short people living in the house. \
',' \
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#9 \
 \
Laundry: \
	Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article \
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight \
years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes, \
he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain \
of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at \
the laundromat.  This is a myth. \
 \
Nicknames: \
	If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, \
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if \
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately \
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless. \
 \
Socks: \
	Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks. \
Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures \
of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. \
',' \
	Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. \
"What happened?" \
	"I was struck by the beauty of the place." \
',' \
	Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their  \
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who  \
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy  \
and sarcastic?" \
	"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. \
	"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." \
',' \
				FROM THE DESK OF \
				Rapunzel \
 \
Dear Prince: \
 \
	Use ladder tonight -- you\'re splitting my ends. \
',' \
Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband\'s \
old girl friend. \
',' \
			-- Gifts for Men -- \
 \
Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice \
hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you should \
never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the clothes they \
will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For example, your average \
man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them.  He has learned, \
through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 \
ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You\'re not going to wear THAT \
tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe \
ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at.  If you give him \
a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. \
 \
If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More than \
once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor\'s Guide" \
',' \
Girls are better looking in snowstorms. \
		-- Archie Goodwin \
',' \
Girls marry for love.  Boys marry because of a chronic irritation that \
causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with certain curvilinear \
properties. \
		-- Ashley Montagu \
',' \
Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for yourself! \
',' \
Girls who throw themselves at men, are actually taking very careful aim. \
',' \
Give a woman an inch and she\'ll park a car in it. \
',' \
God created a few perfect heads.  The rest he covered with hair. \
',' \
God created woman.  And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- \
but many other things ceased as well.  Woman was God\'s second mistake. \
		-- Nietzsche \
',' \
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. \
',' \
Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the \
22-year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her.  The \
determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement \
program.  He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day, \
lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet.  Within months, the \
rejuvenated man won the young woman\'s heart, and she agreed to marry him. \
	On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck \
by lightning.  Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates.  "How \
could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?" \
	"To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn\'t \
recognize you." \
',' \
Hat check girl: \
	"Goodness!  What lovely diamonds!" \
Mae West: \
	"Goodness had nothin\' to do with it, dearie." \
		-- "Night After Night", 1932 \
',' \
Having a baby isn\'t so bad.  If you\'re a female Emperor penguin in the \
Antarctic.  She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, then takes off \
for warmer weather where she eats and eats and eats.  For two months, the \
father stands stiff, without food, blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing \
the egg on his feet.  After the little penguin is hatched, the mother \
sees fit to come home. \
		-- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" \
',' \
He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. \
',' \
He who enters his wife\'s dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. \
		-- Balzac \
',' \
He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the \
night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his \
senses until the day of judgement. \
		-- Saadi \
',' \
Hey, Jim, it\'s me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat.  You said you were \
gonna call and it\'s been two weeks.  What\'s wrong, you lose my number? \
',' \
High heels are a device invented by a woman who was tired of being kissed \
on the forehead. \
',' \
Him:	"Your skin is so soft.  Are you a model?" \
Her:	"No,"  [blush]  "I\'m a cosmetologist." \
Him:	"Really? That\'s incredible... It must be very tough to handle \
	weightlessness." \
		-- "The Jerk" \
',' \
His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob \
a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. \
		-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" \
',' \
"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. \
		-- Samuel Butler \
',' \
Horace\'s best ode would not please a young woman as much as the mediocre \
verses of the young man she is in love with. \
		-- Moore \
',' \
How much for your women?  I want to buy your daughter... how much for \
the little girl? \
		-- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers" \
',' \
	"How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy \
social climber said to her roommate.  "I mean, I\'ve never seen a Porsche \
full of money before." \
',' \
I am very fond of the company of ladies.  I like their beauty, \
I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. \
		-- Samuel Johnson \
',' \
I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the \
perfect woman.  I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, \
I would find her and then I would be secure for life.  Well, the years \
and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone \
a lot less than my idea of perfection.  But one day, after many years \
together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness.  My \
wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching \
the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees.  The only sounds to \
be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting \
to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window.  And \
as I looked up into my wife\'s now wrinkled face, but still warm and \
twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection...  It comes only \
with time. \
		-- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman" \
',' \
I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he \
has income and she is pattable. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute \
dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing \
and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day. \
		-- Betty MacDonald \
',' \
I can\'t mate in captivity. \
		-- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married. \
',' \
I come from a small town whose population never changed.  Each time a woman \
got pregnant, someone left town. \
		-- Michael Prichard \
',' \
I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. \
',' \
"I don\'t have to take this abuse from you -- I\'ve got hundreds of \
people waiting to abuse me." \
		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" \
',' \
I GUESS I\'LL NEVER FORGET HER.  And maybe I don\'t want to.  Her spirit \
was wild, like a wild monkey.  Her beauty was like a beautiful horse \
being ridden by a wild monkey.  I forget her other qualities. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. \
		-- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters. \
',' \
I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and \
to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and \
support of the woman I love. \
		-- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication \
		   of the British throne in order to marry the American \
		   divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. \
',' \
I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, \
and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would \
be blockhead enough to have me. \
		-- Abraham Lincoln \
',' \
I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won\'t; when \
you won\'t, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. \
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) \
',' \
I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they \
didn\'t is just lyin\'! \
		-- Willie Nelson \
',' \
I like being single.  I\'m always there when I need me. \
		-- Art Leo \
',' \
I like myself, but I won\'t say I\'m as handsome as the bull that kidnapped \
Europa. \
		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero \
',' \
I like young girls.  Their stories are shorter. \
		-- Tom McGuane \
',' \
I love being married.  It\'s so great to find that one special person \
you want to annoy for the rest of your life. \
		-- Rita Rudner \
',' \
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I\'ve ever known. \
		-- Walt Disney \
',' \
	I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more.  I knew that he disliked \
me to cry. \
	This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better \
to weep." \
	I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come \
back; I would be nice." \
	Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always." \
	"Oh, not enough." \
	"Nobody can give anybody enough." \
	"Not ever?" \
	"No, not ever.  But one must go on trying." \
	"And doesn\'t one ever value people until they are gone?" \
	"Rarely," said Francis.  I went on weeping; I saw how little I had \
valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine. \
		-- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs" \
',' \
I married beneath me.  All women do. \
		-- Lady Nancy Astor \
',' \
I met a wonderful new man.  He\'s fictional, but you can\'t have everything. \
		-- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" \
',' \
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the \
places they do today. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
I never met a woman I couldn\'t drink pretty. \
',' \
I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.  To see \
the sights I\'m never going to visit. \
',' \
I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on \
believing that some men are my equals. \
		-- Brigid Brophy \
',' \
I respect the institution of marriage.  I have always thought that every \
woman should marry -- and no man. \
		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" \
',' \
I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... and then \
natural selection reared its ugly head. \
',' \
I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she\'s so desperately \
anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. \
		-- Saki, "Reginald on Worries" \
',' \
I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to \
remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. \
		-- Chick \
',' \
I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. \
Elsewhere", won\'t scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It\'s time for Hee-Haw!" \
		-- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" \
',' \
I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. \
		-- Freud \
',' \
I was in a beauty contest one.  I not only came in last, I was hit in \
the mouth by Miss Congeniality. \
		-- Phyllis Diller \
',' \
I wasn\'t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. \
		-- Chico Marx \
',' \
I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new \
one every day. \
		-- Heine \
',' \
I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, only they won\'t let me \
raise my voice. \
		-- Winkle \
',' \
I wouldn\'t marry her with a ten foot pole. \
',' \
I\'d probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. \
Couldn\'t be any worse than some of the relationships I\'ve had. \
		-- Brenda Starr \
',' \
I\'d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. \
		-- W.C. Fields \
',' \
I\'m defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. \
',' \
I\'m not denyin\' the women are foolish: God Almighty made \'em to match the men. \
		-- George Eliot \
',' \
I\'m very old-fashioned.  I believe that people should marry for life, \
like pigeons and Catholics. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
I\'ve been in more laps than a napkin. \
		-- Mae West \
',' \
I\'ve spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men.  They\'re not \
like other men.  Their spirit is great and stimulating.  They hate strife; \
indeed they reject it.  Their inventive gifts are boundless.  They demand \
devotion and obedience.  And a sense of humor.  I happily gave all of this. \
I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them. \
		-- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway \
',' \
If I had to live my life again, I\'d make the same mistakes, only sooner. \
		-- Tallulah Bankhead \
',' \
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? \
',' \
If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable. \
		-- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables" \
',' \
If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would \
be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. \
		-- Frances Rodman \
',' \
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would \
suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is only \
fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, \
only two went back to women. \
		-- Mort Sahl \
',' \
If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it\'s more than enough. \
Twice, it\'s much too much.  Three times, it\'s the story of your life. \
',' \
If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it\'s the fact that you \
can\'t afford divorce. \
		-- Jack Nicholson \
',' \
If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the \
beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its \
lowest level, then why isn\'t it logical to say that in those few days \
women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? \
		-- Gloria Steinham \
',' \
If women didn\'t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. \
		-- Aristotle Onassis \
',' \
If you are afraid of loneliness, don\'t marry. \
		-- Anton Chekhov \
',' \
If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no \
longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal. \
		-- Abigail Van Buren \
',' \
If you give a man enough rope, he\'ll claim he\'s tied up at the office. \
',' \
If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you\'ll be married to a man who \
cheats on his wife. \
		-- Ann Landers \
',' \
If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty. \
Otherwise, you\'ll never find anybody to take her off your hands. \
',' \
If you want me to be a good little bunny just dangle some carats in front \
of my nose. \
		-- Lauren Bacall \
',' \
If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman. \
		-- Michelet \
',' \
If you want to read about love and marriage you\'ve got to buy two separate \
books. \
		-- Alan King \
',' \
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every \
word you say, talk in your sleep. \
',' \
If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur \
boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. \
		-- Anton Chekhov \
',' \
In buying horses and taking a wife shut your eyes tight and commend \
yourself to God. \
',' \
In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.  This is called Monotony. \
',' \
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. \
',' \
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- a practice which is \
still continued. \
		-- Helen Rowland \
',' \
In the midst of one of the wildest parties he\'d ever been to, the young man  \
noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of \
the revelers.  Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet \
conversation, said, "I\'m afraid you and I don\'t really fit in with this \
jaded group.  Why don\'t I take you home?"" \
	"Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely.  "Where do you live?" \
',' \
Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same \
token it is the shortest detour to marriage. \
		-- Wilson Mizner \
',' \
Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch? \
',' \
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the \
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get \
out, and such as are out wish to get in? \
		-- Ralph Emerson \
',' \
Isn\'t it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives \
avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that \
would make them better prospects? \
',' \
It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair \
to get in, and those within despair of getting out. \
		-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne \
',' \
It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would \
interest anyone or arouse anyone\'s misgivings. I asked for an invitation \
for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were \
invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by \
was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is \
hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have \
carried me. \
		-- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time" \
',' \
It doesn\'t much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out \
next morning it was someone else. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be \
most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, \
it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind. \
		-- H. Warner Munn \
',' \
	It is always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your parents will \
not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and \
because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature \
human beings. \
	The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, \
there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the  \
duration of the visit but forever.  The worst kind of girl to take home is one \
of a different religion:  Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but \
you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments \
and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. \
	Let\'s say you\'ve fallen in love with just such a girl and would like \
to take her home for the holidays.  You are aware of your parents\' xenophobic \
response to anyone of a different religion.  How to prepare them for the shock? \
	Simple.  Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you \
have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a \
different race and the same sex.  Tell them you have already invited this \
person to meet them.  Give the information a moment to sink in and then  \
remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different \
religion.  They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. \
		-- Playboy, January, 1983 \
',' \
It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take.  This \
is untrue.  Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the \
last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn\'t give \
enough. \
		-- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin" \
',' \
It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: \
love does not lie in the ear. \
		-- Walpole \
',' \
It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his \
wife in public.  It always makes people think that he beats her when \
they\'re alone.  The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks \
like a happy married life. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for \
dessert.  The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but \
she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork.  She \
does not want you to call attention to this by saying, \'If you wanted a \
dessert, why didn\'t you order one?\'  You must understand, she has the \
dessert she wants.  The dessert she wants is contained within yours. \
		-- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider\'s Guide to the American Woman" \
',' \
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to \
mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry. \
		-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. \
		-- Maimie Van Doren \
',' \
It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it. \
',' \
It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest \
since the middle of my marriage.  There was energy, softness, grace and \
laughter.  I even took my socks off.  In my circle, that means class. \
		-- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944" \
',' \
It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country \
road.  Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse \
and knocked on the front door.  No one responded.  He could feel the water \
from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop. \
The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer.  By now he was soaked \
to the skin.  Desperately he pounded on the door.  At last the head of a \
man appeared out of an upstairs window. \
	"What do you want?" he asked gruffly. \
	"My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you \
would let me stay here for the night." \
	"Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it\'s \
okay with me." \
',' \
It wasn\'t exactly a divorce -- I was traded. \
		-- Tim Conway \
',' \
It\'s a funny thing that when a woman hasn\'t got anything \
on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married. \
',' \
"It\'s men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." \
',' \
It\'s not the inital skirt length, it\'s the upcreep. \
',' \
It\'s not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. \
		-- Mae West \
',' \
It\'s the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. \
		-- Tallulah Bankhead \
',' \
	It\'s the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with \
bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. \
',' \
	Joe sat as his dying wife\'s bedside. \
	Her voice was little more than a whisper. \
	"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I\'ve got a confession to make \
before I go.  I ... I\'m the one who took the $10,000 from your safe... \
I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles.  And it was I who \
forced your mistress to leave the city.  And I am the one who reported  \
your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." \
	"That\'s all right, dearest, don\'t give it a second thought," \
whispered Joe. "I\'m the one who poisoned you." \
',' \
Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot \
remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about \
women. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child? \
Ed: It\'s all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present \
	at the conception. \
		-- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" \
',' \
Keep a diary and one day it\'ll keep you. \
		-- Mae West \
',' \
Keep women you cannot.  Marry them and they come to hate the way you walk \
across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you at the end of six \
months. \
		-- Moore \
',' \
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. \
		-- Benjamin Franklin \
',' \
Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and \
sapphire bracelet lasts for ever. \
		-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" \
',' \
Lady Nancy Astor: \
	"Winston, if you were my husband, I\'d put poison in your coffee." \
Winston Churchill: \
	"Nancy, if you were my wife, I\'d drink it." \
',' \
Lank: Here we go.  We\'re about to set a new record. \
Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? \
Lank: We\'ve done it.  Earl has set a new record.  Turned down by \
      20,000 women. \
		-- Lank and Earl \
',' \
Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can \
be tolerated only in race horses and women. \
		-- Lord Kalvin \
',' \
Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. \
		-- Benjamin Franklin \
',' \
Let\'s just say that where a change was required, I adjusted.  In every \
relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive.  If you \
really care about the person, you do what\'s necessary, or that\'s the end. \
For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities \
I most admired in myself I gave up.  I stopped being loud and bossy ... \
Oh, all right.  I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back. \
		-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn \
',' \
Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. \
		-- Miss November, 1966 \
',' \
Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society \
being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible \
thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money \
system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex. \
		-- Valerie Solanas \
',' \
Life Sucks.  Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but \
certain not to find her.  Drop me a note.  I\'ll call you, we\'ll talk and \
I\'ll ask you out to dinner where I\'ll probably spend more than I can \
afford in a feeble attempt to impress you.  Then we\'ll realize we have \
absolutely nothing in common and we\'ll go our separate ways, more \
embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible). \
',' \
Life\'s too short to dance with ugly women. \
',' \
Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate the difference between one \
young woman and another. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara" \
',' \
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking \
for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. \
		-- Alan McKay \
',' \
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
Lonely men seek companionship.  Lonely women sit at home and wait. \
They never meet. \
',' \
Lots of girls can be had for a song.  Unfortunately, it often turns out to \
be the wedding march. \
',' \
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real \
with the ideal never goes unpunished. \
		-- Goethe \
',' \
Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. \
		-- Dr. Karl Bowman \
',' \
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. \
		-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles. \
		-- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps" \
',' \
Macho does not prove mucho. \
		-- Zsa Zsa Gabor \
',' \
Man and wife make one fool. \
',' \
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would \
not have chosen a suit by it. \
		-- Maurice Chevalier \
',' \
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the \
whole girl. \
		-- Stephen Leacock \
',' \
Many a man who thinks he\'s going on a maiden voyage with \
a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise. \
',' \
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world\'s greatest lover. \
But she can never catch him at it. \
',' \
Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales. \
',' \
Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of \
insincerity possible between two human beings. \
		-- Vicki Baum \
',' \
Marriage causes dating problems. \
',' \
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. \
',' \
Marriage is a great institution -- but I\'m not ready for an institution yet. \
		-- Mae West \
',' \
Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you\'d be \
surprised at the large number that re-enlist. \
		-- James Garner \
',' \
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. \
',' \
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. \
		-- Roger Price \
',' \
Marriage is an institution in which two undertake to become one, and one \
undertakes to become nothing. \
',' \
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer \
exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work \
in the brewery. \
		-- George Jean Nathan \
',' \
Marriage is learning about women the hard way. \
',' \
Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with \
chopsticks.  It looks easy until you try it. \
',' \
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. \
		-- Baskins \
',' \
Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the \
burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place. \
		-- Calvin Trillin \
',' \
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. \
		-- Voltaire \
',' \
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would \
have preferred. \
',' \
Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions. \
',' \
Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle. \
		-- Edmond About \
',' \
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. \
		-- John Lyly \
',' \
Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months. \
',' \
Matrimony is the root of all evil. \
',' \
Matrimony isn\'t a word, it\'s a sentence. \
',' \
Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. \
		-- Marilyn Monroe \
',' \
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. \
		-- Jayne Mansfield \
',' \
Men aren\'t attracted to me by my mind.  They\'re attracted by what I \
don\'t mind... \
		-- Gypsy Rose Lee \
',' \
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later; \
for another thing they die earlier. \
		-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
Men have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs. \
		-- E.W. Howe \
',' \
Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food. \
',' \
Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. \
		-- Dorothy Parker \
',' \
Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality. \
',' \
Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them. \
		-- DeSegur \
',' \
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. \
',' \
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. \
',' \
Men who cherish for women the highest respect are seldom popular with them. \
		-- Joseph Addison \
',' \
Men\'s magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.  Women\'s magazines \
also often feature pictures of naked ladies.  This is because the female \
body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and \
should not be seen by the light of day. \
		-- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different" \
',' \
Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his \
wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. \
',' \
Moe:	Wanna play poker tonight? \
Joe:	I can\'t. It\'s the kids\' night out. \
Moe:	So? \
Joe:	I gotta stay home with the nurse. \
',' \
Moe:	What did you give your wife for Valentine\'s Day? \
Joe:	The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. \
',' \
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two \
things we have. \
		-- The Best of Will Rogers \
',' \
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac.  But flowers work almost as well. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses. \
		-- H.H. Munro \
',' \
... most of us learned about love the hard way.  Even warnings are probably \
useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends, \
hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute \
and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of \
lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from \
which some of them never recovered during their entire lives.  And I am not \
speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I\'m speaking of women \
of every age in every city in every year.  The notorious sexual revolution \
has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love. \
		-- Alix Kates Shulman \
',' \
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him, \
like a bank note, for two twenties. \
',' \
Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. \
		-- Linda Festa \
',' \
Never argue with a woman when she\'s tired -- or rested. \
',' \
Never eat at a place called Mom\'s.  Never play cards with a man named Doc. \
And never lie down with a woman who\'s got more troubles than you. \
		-- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" \
',' \
Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight. \
		-- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller\'s Housekeeping Hints" \
',' \
Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. \
		-- Nelson Algren \
',' \
Never tell.  Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks \
in on you, deny it.  Yeah.  Just flat out and she\'ll believe it: "I\'m \
tellin\' ya.  This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay \
On Top Of Me Or I\'ll Die\'.  I didn\'t know what I was gonna do..." \
		-- Lenny Bruce \
',' \
New Year\'s Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, \
and his wife most often reminds him to act it. \
		-- Webster\'s Unafraid Dictionary \
',' \
No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; \
no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. \
		-- Landor \
',' \
No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost \
interest in hair restorers. \
	-- Austin O\'Malley \
',' \
No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an \
unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway. \
		-- Arthur Binstead \
',' \
No one knows like a woman how to say things that are at once gentle and deep. \
		-- Hugo \
',' \
No self-made man ever did such a good job that some woman didn\'t \
want to make some alterations. \
		-- Kim Hubbard \
',' \
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether \
she will or will not be a mother. \
		-- Margaret H. Sanger \
',' \
No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. \
		-- Lord Thomas Dewar \
',' \
No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of \
him than he deserves. \
		-- Edgar Watson Howe \
',' \
Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they\'re married. \
And then it\'s too late. \
',' \
Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to \
the capitalist mode of production. \
		-- Herbert Marcuse \
',' \
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. \
		-- Plato \
',' \
Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between \
husband and wife. \
',' \
Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her. \
		-- Vanbrugh \
',' \
	Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll  \
through the woods.  All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated  \
on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her.  "Maiden," croaked the \
frog, "would you do me a favor?  This will be hard for you to believe, but \
I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast \
a spell over me and turned me into a frog." \
	"Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl.  "I\'ll do anything I can to \
help you break such a spell." \
	"Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be \
taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend \
the night under her pillow." \
	The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her \
pillow that night when she retired.  When she awoke the next morning, sure \
enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of \
royal blood.  And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day \
her father and mother still don\'t believe her story. \
',' \
	Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights \
in a certain kingdom.  And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom \
who was of marriageable age.  Well, one day, in full armour, their horses, \
and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could \
win her hand.  The road was long and there were many obstacles along the \
way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross.  As they coped with \
each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page.  He was \
not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was, \
in short, a complete flop.  When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, \
they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some \
treasure.  The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not \
thought of this and were unprepared.  The youngest, however, had the \
answer:  Promise her anything, but give her our page. \
',' \
	One evening he spoke.  Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, \
he allowed his soul to be heard.  "My darling, anything you wish, anything \
I am, anything I can ever be...  That\'s what I want to offer you -- not the \
things I\'ll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get \
them.  That thing -- a man can\'t renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- so \
that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for you." \
	The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I\'m prettier than Maggie \
Kelly?" \
	He got up.  He said nothing and walked out of the house.  He never \
saw that girl again.  Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a \
lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. \
		-- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" \
',' \
One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. \
		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon" \
',' \
One is not born a woman, one becomes one. \
		-- Simone de Beauvoir \
',' \
One man\'s folly is another man\'s wife. \
		-- Helen Rowland \
',' \
One should always be in love.  That is the reason one should never marry. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. \
',' \
	People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty, \
these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female \
persuasion. \
	"Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but \
misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good \
swift smack.  We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, \
respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank.  It is troubling \
enough to get straight who is really what.  Those who deliberately misuse \
the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it. \
	A woman is any grown-up female person.  A girl is the un-grown-up \
version.  If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a \
"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be \
able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall.  However, if you \
call a grown-up by a child\'s name for the sake of implying that she has a \
youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match. \
',' \
Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the \
farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than \
chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married" \
',' \
Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men \
should be happier than others. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Sally:	C\'mon, Ted, all I\'m asking you to do is share your feelings \
	with me. \
Ted:	ALL?  Do you realize what you\'re asking?  Men aren\'t trained \
	to share.  We\'re trained to protect ourselves by not \
	letting anyone too close.  Good grief, if I go around \
	sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry. \
Sally:	It\'s called "trust," Ted. \
Ted:	"Sharing"?  "Trust"?  You\'re really asking me to sail into \
	uncharted waters here. \
		-- Sally Forth \
',' \
Scientists still know less about what attracts men than they do about \
what attracts mosquitoes. \
		-- Dr. Joyce Brothers, \
		"What Every Woman Should Know About Men" \
',' \
She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you\'re looking good. \
		-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" \
',' \
She been married so many times she got rice marks all over her face. \
		-- Tom Waits \
',' \
She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. \
		-- Gypsy Rose Lee \
',' \
She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few years, enjoyed \
herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and left.  Excited a few men \
in the meantime. \
		-- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg\'s \
		   involvement in "The Avengers". \
',' \
She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them were bad. \
',' \
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could \
have poured on a waffle ... \
',' \
She\'s learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting \
into words. \
',' \
She\'s so tough she won\'t take \'yes\' for an answer. \
',' \
She\'s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. \
		-- Mae West \
',' \
So many beautiful women and so little time. \
		-- John Barrymore \
',' \
So many men; so little time. \
',' \
So many women; so little nerve. \
',' \
So many women; so little time! \
',' \
	"So you don\'t have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might \
want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." \
	"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." \
	"Friday, then?" \
	"Why not, David, it might even be fun." \
		-- Dating in Minnesota \
',' \
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. \
',' \
Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning. \
',' \
Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right places! \
		-- Mae West \
',' \
Some men are so interested in their wives\' continued happiness that they \
hire detectives to find out the reason for it. \
',' \
Some men are so macho they\'ll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. \
		-- Maureen Murphy \
',' \
Some men feel that the only thing they owe the woman who marries them \
is a grudge. \
		-- Helen Rowland \
',' \
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. \
		-- Gloria Steinem \
',' \
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. \
		-- Sigmund Freud \
',' \
Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means to me, it\'s all I can do \
to keep from telling her. \
		-- Andy Capp \
',' \
Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: \
they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night. \
',' \
Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it \
needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. \
		-- Kipling \
',' \
Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. \
		-- Geoffrey Chaucer \
',' \
That woman speaks eight languages and can\'t say "no" in any of them. \
		-- Dorothy Parker \
',' \
The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one \
does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home. \
		-- Paul Leautaud, "Propos d\'un jour" \
',' \
The anger of a woman is the greatest evil with which you can threaten your \
enemies. \
		-- Bonnard \
',' \
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows \
that the average man can see much better than he can think. \
		-- Ladies\' Home Journal \
',' \
The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain \
disdain; he is anything but her ideal.  In consequence, she cannot help \
feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is \
their father. \
		-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
The best man for the job is often a woman. \
',' \
The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected company arrives, \
all you have to do is straighten your tie. \
',' \
The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted \
themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females.  Why do they tolerate \
this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are \
hungry all the time? \
',' \
The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and \
sometimes three. \
		-- Alexandre Dumas \
',' \
The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a  \
tedious book. \
',' \
	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: \
"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle \
in his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" \
	"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, \
but not much good in a fight." \
',' \
The difference between legal separation and divorce is that legal \
separation gives the man time to hide his money. \
',' \
The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance \
of the woman. \
		-- Honor\'e DeBalzac \
',' \
The eternal feminine draws us upward. \
		-- Goethe \
',' \
The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, \
and the second the triumph of hope over experience. \
',' \
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. \
',' \
The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can\'t even \
remember her first husband. \
',' \
The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress. \
',' \
The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear. \
		-- Sophia Loren \
',' \
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.  They gave him \
love and he invented marriage. \
',' \
The happiest time of a person\'s life is after his first divorce. \
		-- J.K. Galbraith  \
',' \
The heaviest object in the world is the body of the woman you have ceased \
to love. \
		-- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues \
',' \
The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease to stifle our sighs \
and begin to stifle our yawns. \
		-- Helen Rowland \
',' \
The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he\'ll be late for supper and \
she\'s already left a note that it\'s in the refrigerator. \
		-- Bill Lawrence \
',' \
The husband who doesn\'t tell his wife everything probably reasons that \
what she doesn\'t know won\'t hurt him. \
		-- Leo J. Burke \
',' \
The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. \
She loves it -- and that\'s all.  It is thus that we should love. \
		-- DeGourmont \
',' \
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin. \
		-- Honor\'e DeBalzac \
',' \
The man who understands one woman is qualified to understand pretty well \
everything. \
		-- Yeats \
',' \
The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time. \
',' \
The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU\'RE WHAT!?" \
',' \
The most dangerous food is wedding cake. \
		-- American proverb \
',' \
The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. \
',' \
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union \
of a deaf man to a blind woman. \
		-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge \
',' \
The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman \
is that one of them be good at taking orders. \
		-- Linda Festa \
',' \
The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. \
		-- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I" \
',' \
The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two adopted children. \
		-- Paul Ehrlich \
',' \
The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method \
for getting acquainted. \
		-- Heywood Broun \
',' \
The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise \
of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock. \
		-- Colette \
',' \
The perfect man is the true partner.  Not a bed partner nor a fun partner, \
but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that \
quality of joy. \
		-- Erica Jong \
',' \
The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it. \
',' \
The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why \
some people feel there is no God. \
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" \
',' \
The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in \
his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on \
one leg.  The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn\'t \
take it too seriously. \
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist\'s Almanac" \
',' \
The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft voice, sweet speech, \
wisdom, needlework, and chastity. \
		-- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 \
',' \
The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. \
',' \
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing \
-- and then marry him. \
		-- Cher \
',' \
The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true. \
',' \
The two things that can get you into trouble quicker than anything else \
are fast women and slow horses. \
',' \
The way to fight a woman is with your hat.  Grab it and run. \
',' \
The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great \
deal of money.  The woman who gives herself takes all your time. \
		-- Balzac \
',' \
There are a few things that never go out of style, and a feminine woman \
is one of them. \
		-- Ralston \
',' \
There are four stages to a marriage.  First there\'s the affair, then there\'s \
the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you \
cannot know a woman, the divorce. \
		-- Norman Mailer \
',' \
There are three things I have always loved and never understood -- \
art, music, and women. \
',' \
There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, \
or turn them into literature. \
		-- Stephen Stills \
',' \
There are two times when a man doesn\'t understand a woman -- before \
marriage and after marriage. \
',' \
There goes the good time that was had by all. \
		-- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet \
',' \
There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it \
is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. \
		-- Helen Rowland \
',' \
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools \
to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. \
So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in \
check.  And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. \
		-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. \
',' \
There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only the ones who do \
not know how to make themselves attractive. \
		-- Christian Dior \
',' \
There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives us for another, \
and a woman who deceives another for ourselves. \
		-- Augier \
',' \
There is only one way to console a widow.  But remember the risk. \
		-- Robert Heinlein \
',' \
There\'s nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes. \
',' \
There\'s nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciate \
his wife. \
		-- Clare Booth Luce \
',' \
There\'s nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. \
',' \
There\'s one consolation about matrimony.  When you look around you can \
always see somebody who did worse. \
		-- Warren H. Goldsmith \
',' \
There\'s one fool at least in every married couple. \
',' \
There\'s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn \
what it is I\'ll get married again. \
		-- Clint Eastwood \
',' \
There\'s too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear. \
		-- Richard Le Gallienne \
',' \
This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your \
bags!  I just won the California lottery!" \
	"Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" \
	"I don\'t care," responds the husband. "just so long as you\'re out \
of the house by dinner!" \
',' \
\'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. \
		-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who should demand \
more from her?  You don\'t want a rose to sing. \
		-- Thackeray \
',' \
To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job \
than a man would have to be.  Fortunately, this isn\'t difficult. \
',' \
To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. \
		-- Golda Meir \
',' \
To err is human -- but it feels divine. \
		-- Mae West \
',' \
To find out a girl\'s faults, praise her to her girl friends. \
		-- Benjamin Franklin \
',' \
To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. \
		-- St. Augustine \
',' \
To our sweethearts and wives.  May they never meet. \
		-- 19th century toast \
',' \
Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheering \
squad and another paycheck.  When a woman marries, she gets a boarder. \
',' \
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. \
		-- Mae West \
',' \
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your \
own name. \
		-- Joan Rivers \
',' \
Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of \
marriage make her something like a public building. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. \
I forget the second. \
',' \
Until Eve arrived, this was a man\'s world. \
		-- Richard Armour \
',' \
Valerie: Aww, Tom, you\'re going maudlin on me ... \
Tom:	 I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... \
		-- Tom Chapin \
',' \
Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the \
ceremony has been performed.  Primarily women wish attention and affection. \
Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative.  Really, \
it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them.  It leaves one open \
to a rival.  Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals.  Lovers, never. \
		-- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire" \
',' \
We were happily married for eight months.  Unfortunately, we were married \
for four and a half years. \
		-- Nick Faldo \
',' \
We\'re all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk \
philosophy, executing both with confidence and style. \
',' \
Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
Wedding rings are the world\'s smallest handcuffs. \
',' \
Well, it\'s hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn\'t have equal rights. \
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower \
',' \
What a misfortune to be a woman!  And yet, the worst misfortune is not to \
understand what a misfortune it is. \
		-- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855. \
',' \
What do you give a man who has everything?  Penicillin. \
		-- Jerry Lester \
',' \
	"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager \
asked her mother. \
	"Encouragement, dear," she replied. \
',' \
What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!  A man can be happy with \
any woman so long as he doesn\'t love her. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
What passes for woman\'s intuition is often nothing more than man\'s \
transparency. \
		-- George Nathan \
',' \
What publishers are looking for these days isn\'t radical feminism.  It\'s \
corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books and \
magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes and, \
most important, corporate America\'s message, which runs: Yes, women were \
discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate mistake has been \
remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige and power by dint \
of individual rather than collective effort. \
		-- Susan Gordon \
',' \
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half \
as good.  Luckily this is not difficult. \
		-- Charlotte Whitton \
',' \
When a girl can read the handwriting on the wall, she may be in the wrong \
rest room. \
',' \
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the \
inattentions of one. \
		-- Helen Rowland \
',' \
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him \
keep her. \
		-- Sacha Guitry \
',' \
When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: \
first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. \
		-- Donnay \
',' \
When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. \
When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I\'ve never \
tried before. \
		-- Mae West, "Klondike Annie" \
',' \
When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. \
		-- Charles Merrill Smith \
',' \
When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman.  As to \
why he then stopped there are two opinions.  One of them is woman\'s. \
		-- DeGourmont \
',' \
When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal \
woman.  Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. \
		-- Robert Schuman \
',' \
When I\'m good, I\'m great; but when I\'m bad, I\'m better. \
		-- Mae West \
',' \
When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame -- \
half his wife\'s fault, and half her mother\'s. \
',' \
When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. \
',' \
When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, at \
her request, moved to a different room.  She told me she didn\'t think she \
had ever seen a Jew before.  My only response was to begin wearing a \
small Star of David on a chain around my neck.  I had not become a more \
observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of Jew was offensive to \
others made me want to let people know who I was and what I believed in. \
Similarly, after talking to these young women -- one of whom told me that \
she didn\'t think she had ever met a feminist -- I\'ve taken to identifying \
myself as a feminist in the most unlikely of situations. \
		-- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation" \
',' \
When one knows women one pities men, but when one studies men, \
one excuses women. \
		-- Horne Tooke \
',' \
When the candles are out all women are fair. \
		-- Plutarch \
',' \
When the saleman\'s car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask \
if he could stay the night.  The farmer agreed to put him up.  "I live alone," \
he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the \
right." \
	"Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I\'m in \
the wrong joke." \
',' \
When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. \
		-- Balzac \
',' \
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, \
most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear \
that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition \
continuously until death do them part. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. \
		-- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae" \
',' \
When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do \
not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues. \
		-- Honor\'e de Balzac \
',' \
When you\'re bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. \
		-- David Pryce-Jones \
',' \
When you\'re married to someone, they take you for granted ... when \
you\'re living with someone it\'s fantastic ... they\'re so frightened \
of losing you they\'ve got to keep you satisfied all the time. \
		-- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow" \
',' \
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children \
to spend their weekends with? \
		-- Rita Rudner \
',' \
Where\'s the man could ease a heart like a satin gown? \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" \
',' \
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.  Why a man \
would want *___two* wives is a bigamystery. \
',' \
Why isn\'t there some cheap and easy way to prove how much she means to me? \
',' \
Why won\'t you let me kiss you goodnight?  Is it something I said? \
		-- Tom Ryan \
',' \
With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team \
celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus \
party.  Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and \
eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at \
parties. \
	"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I\'m much more attracted to the \
strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said.  "What\'s \
your G.P.A.?" \
	Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in \
the city and forty on the highway." \
',' \
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. \
		-- Dumas \
',' \
Woman was God\'s second mistake. \
		-- Nietzsche \
',' \
Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor \
out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be \
equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart \
that he might love her. \
		-- Henry \
',' \
Woman\'s advice has little value, but he who won\'t take it is a fool. \
		-- Cervantes \
',' \
Women are all alike.  When they\'re maids they\'re mild as milk: once make \'em \
wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage certificates, and \
defy you. \
		-- Jerrold \
',' \
Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it from charity, \
or revenge? \
		-- Gustave Vapereau \
',' \
Women are just like men, only different. \
',' \
Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn\'t \
want to own one. \
		-- W.C. Fields \
',' \
Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. \
		-- Herold \
',' \
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. \
		-- Stephens \
',' \
Women aren\'t as mere as they used to be. \
		-- Pogo \
',' \
Women can keep a secret just as well as men, but it takes more of them \
to do it. \
',' \
Women complain about sex more than men.  Their gripes fall into two \
categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much. \
		-- Ann Landers \
',' \
Women give themselves to God when the Devil wants nothing more to do with them. \
		-- Arnould \
',' \
Women give to men the very gold of their lives.  Possibly; but they \
invariably want it back in such very small change. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little crying, a little dying \
-- and a good deal of lying. \
		-- Ansey \
',' \
Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong than men who \
reason with the head. \
		-- DeLescure \
',' \
Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, but never a man \
who misses one. \
		-- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord \
',' \
Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods.  They worship us and are \
always bothering us to do something for them. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Women want their men to be cops.  They want you to punish them and tell \
them what the limits are.  The only thing that women hate worse from a man \
than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you\'re sorry. \
		-- Mort Sahl \
',' \
Women waste men\'s lives and think they have indemnified them by a few \
gracious words. \
		-- Honor\'e de Balzac \
',' \
Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination. \
',' \
Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are \
pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because \
they are themselves. \
		-- Amiel \
',' \
Women\'s virtue is man\'s greatest invention. \
		-- Cornelia Otis Skinner \
',' \
Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge \
as good as any other. \
		-- Philippe De Remi \
',' \
Women, when they are not in love, have all the cold blood of an experienced  \
attorney. \
		-- Honor\'e de Balzac \
',' \
Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, always tell him that he is a \
lion with a will of iron. \
		-- Honor\'e de Balzac \
',' \
	"You are *so* lovely." \
	"Yes." \
	"Yes!  And you take a compliment, too!  I like that in a goddess." \
',' \
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing \
forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.  You are \
avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
You ask what a nice girl will do?  She won\'t give an inch, but she won\'t \
say no. \
		-- Marcus Valerius Martialis \
',' \
You can have a dog as a friend.  You can have whiskey as a friend.  But \
if you have a woman as a friend, you\'re going to wind up drunk and kissing \
your dog. \
		-- foolin\' around \
',' \
You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. \
',' \
You can\'t kiss a girl unexpectedly -- only sooner than she thought you would. \
',' \
You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and few words \
in your sleep to get divorced. \
',' \
You just know when a relationship is about to end.  My girlfriend called me \
at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom.  "It\'s very \
simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." \
',' \
You know what we can be like:  See a guy and think he\'s cute one minute, the \
next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see \
him having an extramarital affair.  By the time someone says "I\'d like you to \
meet Cecil," we shout, "You\'re late again with the child support!" \
		-- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl\'s Guide to Chaos" \
',' \
You know you\'re getting old when you\'re Dad, and you\'re measuring your daughter \
for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her mother is allowed \
to take. \
',' \
You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, \
are now extinct. \
		-- M. Somerset Maugham \
',' \
You lived with a man who wore white belts?  Laura, I\'m disappointed in you. \
		-- Remington Steele \
',' \
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve\'s mother. \
',' \
"You\'re just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... \
except, y\'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus." \
		-- Swamp Thing \
',' \
	Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the \
week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for \
only a few hours each evening and see what happens.  The Waltz, Polka, \
Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects \
to both sexes.  Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. \
	It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but \
rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex.  It is the \
fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the \
soul, the body, the sinews and nerves.  Experience and statistics show \
beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach \
twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one.  Even if they reached that \
age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. \
This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. \
		-- Quote from a 1910 periodical \
',' \
Young men want to be faithful and are not; old men want to be faithless and \
cannot. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. \
',' \
1 bulls, 3 cows. \
',' \
$3,000,000. \
',' \
40 isn\'t old.  If you\'re a tree. \
',' \
	A crow perched himself on a telephone wire.  He was going to make a \
long-distance caw. \
',' \
A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! \
	[From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!] \
		-- Medieval prayer \
',' \
A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. \
',' \
A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard.  One of the men \
gets out and goes into the office. \
	"I need some four-by-two\'s," he says. \
	"You must mean two-by-four\'s" replies the clerk. \
	The man scratches his head.  "Wait a minute," he says, "I\'ll go \
check."  \
	Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the \
truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be \
acceptable. \
	"OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want \'em?" \
	The guy gets the blank look again.  "Uh... I guess I better go \
check," he says. \
	He goes back out to the truck, and there\'s another animated \
conversation.  The guy comes back into the office.  "A long time," he says, \
"we\'re building a house". \
',' \
A prediction is worth twenty explanations. \
		-- K. Brecher \
',' \
	A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend.  He told the operator, \
"This is a parson to parson call." \
',' \
A squeegee by any other name wouldn\'t sound as funny. \
',' \
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature \
replaces it with. \
		-- Tennessee Williams \
',' \
	A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, \
and her first name by her mother.  By the time she was ten, didn\'t know if she \
was Carmen or Cohen. \
',' \
According to my best recollection, I don\'t remember. \
		-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo \
',' \
Adults die young. \
',' \
African violet:		Such worth is rare \
Apple blossom:		Preference \
Bachelor\'s button:	Celibacy \
Bay leaf:		I change but in death \
Camelia:		Reflected loveliness \
Chrysanthemum, red:	I love \
Chrysanthemum, white:	Truth \
Chrysanthemum, other:	Slighted love \
Clover:			Be mine \
Crocus:			Abuse not \
Daffodil:		Innocence \
Forget-me-not:		True love \
Fuchsia:		Fast \
Gardenia:		Secret, untold love \
Honeysuckle:		Bonds of love \
Ivy:			Friendship, fidelity, marriage \
Jasmine:		Amiablity, transports of joy, sensuality \
Leaves (dead):		Melancholy \
Lilac:			Youthful innocence \
Lilly:			Purity, sweetness \
Lilly of the valley:	Return of happiness \
Magnolia:		Dignity, perseverance \
	* An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. \
',' \
Age is a tyrant who forbids, at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. \
',' \
Agree with them now, it will save so much time. \
',' \
Ah, the Tsar\'s bazaar\'s bizarre beaux-arts! \
',' \
Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany.  It excites me to... \
acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude. \
',' \
All phone calls are obscene. \
		-- Karen Elizabeth Gordon \
',' \
All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. \
		-- Grant Wood \
',' \
Am I ranting?  I hope so.  My ranting gets raves. \
',' \
AMAZING BUT TRUE ... \
	If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end \
	across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. \
',' \
AMAZING BUT TRUE ... \
	There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it \
	would completely cover the Sahara Desert. \
',' \
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. \
',' \
An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. \
		-- Isaac Asimov \
',' \
... and furthermore ... I don\'t like your trousers. \
',' \
And I alone am returned to wag the tail. \
',' \
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to \
exactly the point of most pressure. \
		-- Milt Barber \
',' \
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. \
',' \
Are we not men? \
',' \
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." \
',' \
Avec! \
',' \
BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! \
',' \
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the \
floor -- especially in the dark. \
',' \
Batteries not included. \
',' \
BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...) \
',' \
BE ALOOF!  (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) \
',' \
Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone. \
',' \
Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin \
when you get what you want. \
',' \
Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad. \
		-- Honor\'e de Balzac \
',' \
Biggest security gap -- an open mouth. \
',' \
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. \
',' \
Blame Saint Andreas -- it\'s all his fault. \
',' \
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels. \
',' \
Blue paint today. \
		[Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson.  Ed.] \
',' \
Boy!  Eucalyptus! \
',' \
Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! \
',' \
Bushydo -- the way of the shrub.  Bonsai! \
',' \
	"But Huey, you PROMISED!" \
	"Tell \'em I lied." \
',' \
But like the Good Book says... There\'s BIGGER DEALS to come! \
',' \
By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. \
		-- Charles Spurgeon \
',' \
CF&C stole it, fair and square. \
		-- Tim Hahn \
',' \
	Chapter VIII \
 \
Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, Salvatore \
Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe like a watermelon \
seed, and never heard from again. \
',' \
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. \
',' \
Confucius say too much. \
		-- Recent Chinese Proverb \
',' \
Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. \
 \
He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the \
Year award. \
',' \
Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. \
',' \
Custer committed Siouxicide. \
',' \
 \
"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it\'s not cockroaches!" \
		-- Mom \
',' \
Death to all fanatics! \
',' \
Depart in pieces, i.e., split. \
',' \
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won\'t see his face. \
',' \
Did I say 2?  I lied. \
',' \
Did it ever occur to you that fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? \
 \
Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways? \
',' \
Did you hear about the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure? \
',' \
Did you know ... \
 \
That no-one ever reads these things? \
',' \
"Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a \
conventional thing to happen to him." \
		-- John Barrymore\'s dying words \
',' \
Dignity is like a flag.  It flaps in a storm. \
		-- Roy Mengot \
',' \
Dime is money. \
',' \
Do not underestimate the power of the Force. \
',' \
Do not use that foreign word "ideals".  We have that excellent native \
word "lies". \
		-- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck" \
',' \
Do people know you have freckles everywhere? \
',' \
Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? \
',' \
	"Do you believe in intuition?" \
	"No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will." \
',' \
Do you have lysdexia? \
',' \
Do YOU have redeeming social value? \
',' \
Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? \
',' \
Don\'t force it, get a larger hammer. \
		-- Anthony \
',' \
Don\'t guess -- check your security regulations. \
',' \
Don\'t I know you? \
',' \
Don\'t let your status become too quo! \
',' \
Don\'t quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key. \
',' \
Don\'t speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. \
',' \
Don\'t worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. \
',' \
Don\'t worry if you\'re a kleptomaniac; you can always take something for it. \
',' \
Double! \
',' \
Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. \
',' \
Dr. Livingston? \
Dr. Livingston I. Presume? \
',' \
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. \
',' \
Dreams are free, but there\'s a small charge for alterations. \
',' \
Drop that pickle! \
',' \
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. \
		-- The Adventurer \
',' \
Duckies are fun! \
',' \
Ducks?  What ducks?? \
',' \
Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. \
',' \
	During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.  She had \
him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. \
	In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. \
She\'s a women who conks to stupor. \
',' \
Dyslexia means never having to say that you\'re ysror. \
',' \
Dyslexics have more fnu. \
',' \
DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE! \
',' \
"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." \
		-- Jeff Berner \
',' \
Editing is a rewording activity. \
',' \
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks. \
		-- Adlai Stevenson \
',' \
Events are not affected, they develop. \
		-- Sri Aurobindo \
',' \
Ever wonder why fire engines are red? \
 \
Because newspapers are read too. \
Two and Two is four. \
Four and four is eight. \
Eight and four is twelve. \
There are twelve inches in a ruler. \
Queen Mary was a ruler. \
Queen Mary was a ship. \
Ships sail the sea. \
There are fishes in the sea. \
Fishes have fins. \
The Finns fought the Russians. \
Russians are red. \
Fire engines are always rush\'n. \
Therefore fire engines are red. \
',' \
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. \
',' \
Every day it\'s the same thing -- variety.  I want something different. \
',' \
Every time I think I know where it\'s at, they move it. \
',' \
Every time you manage to close the door on Reality, it comes in through the \
window. \
',' \
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. \
		-- Beckett \
',' \
Everything bows to success, even grammar. \
',' \
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". \
',' \
Everything might be different in the present if only one thing had \
been different in the past. \
',' \
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. \
',' \
Everything should be built top-down, except this time. \
',' \
Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. \
		-- Erwin Tomash \
',' \
Everything you know is wrong! \
',' \
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. \
		-- Aldous Huxley \
',' \
Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. \
		-- Sven Italla \
',' \
	"Fantasies are free." \
	"NO!! NO!! It\'s the thought police!!!!" \
',' \
Far duller than a serpent\'s tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. \
',' \
Fats Loves Madelyn. \
',' \
Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture \
on a rock. \
		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 \
',' \
Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck. \
		-- Adolfo Guzman \
',' \
Flame on! \
		-- Johnny Storm \
',' \
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... \
',' \
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. \
',' \
For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. \
		-- Titus Lucretius Carus \
',' \
Force it!!! \
If it breaks, well, it wasn\'t working anyway... \
No, don\'t force it, get a bigger hammer. \
',' \
FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX! \
',' \
Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. \
',' \
Fortune\'s graffito of the week (or maybe even month): \
 \
		Don\'t Write On Walls! \
 \
		   (and underneath) \
 \
		You want I should type? \
',' \
Fortune\'s Office Door Sign of the Week: \
 \
	Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. \
',' \
	"Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: "of course you know \
what \'it\' means." \
	"I know what \'it\' means well enough, when I find a thing," said the \
Duck: "it\'s generally a frog or a worm.  The question is, what did the \
archbishop find?" \
',' \
From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.  \
That is the point that must be reached. \
		-- F. Kafka \
',' \
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. \
		-- H.H. Williams \
',' \
General notions are generally wrong. \
		-- Lady M.W. Montagu \
',' \
Give me a Plumber\'s friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place \
to stand, and I will drain the world. \
',' \
GIVE UP!!!! \
',' \
Given my druthers, I\'d druther not. \
',' \
Gloffing is a state of mine. \
',' \
Go \'way!  You\'re bothering me! \
',' \
Go away, I\'m all right. \
		-- H.G. Wells\' last words. \
',' \
Go climb a gravity well! \
',' \
Goals... Plans... they\'re fantasies, they\'re part of a dream world... \
		-- Wally Shawn \
',' \
God is Dead. \
		-- Nietzsche \
Nietzsche is Dead. \
		-- God \
Nietzsche is God. \
		-- Dead \
',' \
God isn\'t dead, he just couldn\'t find a parking place. \
',' \
God isn\'t dead.  He just doesn\'t want to get involved. \
',' \
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. \
',' \
God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. \
		-- Samuel Butler \
',' \
God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! \
',' \
Good news is just life\'s way of keeping you off balance. \
',' \
Half Moon tonight.  (At least it\'s better than no Moon at all.) \
',' \
Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. \
',' \
Happy feast of the pig! \
',' \
Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. \
		-- Daniel Dennett \
',' \
Have at you! \
',' \
Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
	"Have you lived here all your life?" \
	"Oh, twice that long." \
',' \
Have you locked your file cabinet? \
',' \
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a \
crack in your sidewalk? \
',' \
"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions." \
',' \
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. \
',' \
Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! \
',' \
Help a swallow land at Capistrano. \
',' \
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy and repetition. \
',' \
HELP!  Man trapped in a human body! \
',' \
HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! \
		-- E. E. CUMMINGS \
',' \
Here there be tygers. \
',' \
"His eyes were cold.  As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling \
outside.  Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..." \
',' \
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." \
',' \
Honk if you love peace and quiet. \
',' \
Housework can kill you if done right. \
		-- Erma Bombeck \
',' \
How can you be in two places at once when you\'re not anywhere at all? \
',' \
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? \
',' \
How come we never talk anymore? \
',' \
How come wrong numbers are never busy? \
',' \
How kind of you to be willing to live someone\'s life for them. \
',' \
How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them? \
',' \
How untasteful can you get? \
',' \
Huh? \
',' \
I always wake up at the crack of ice. \
		-- Joe E. Lewis \
',' \
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. \
',' \
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. \
',' \
I can relate to that. \
',' \
I can resist anything but temptation. \
',' \
I couldn\'t possibly fail to disagree with you less. \
',' \
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. \
',' \
I don\'t have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. \
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant \
',' \
"I don\'t mind going nowhere as long as it\'s an interesting path." \
		-- Ronald Mabbitt \
',' \
I don\'t understand you anymore. \
',' \
I don\'t wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? \
',' \
I enjoy the time that we spend together. \
',' \
I exist, therefore I am paid. \
',' \
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. \
',' \
I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... \
',' \
"I found out why my car was humming.  It had forgotten the words." \
',' \
I hate quotations. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
I hate trolls.  Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a \
ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. \
		-- Willow \
',' \
I have a terrible headache,  I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. \
',' \
I have become me without my consent. \
',' \
I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. \
',' \
I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. \
',' \
I haven\'t lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. \
',' \
I hear the sound that the machines make, and feel my heart break, just \
for a moment. \
',' \
I hear what you\'re saying but I just don\'t care. \
',' \
I know it all.  I just can\'t remember it all at once. \
',' \
I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, \
but I\'m not sure you understood what you thought I meant. \
',' \
I know you\'re in search of yourself, I just haven\'t seen you anywhere. \
',' \
I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. \
',' \
I love treason but hate a traitor. \
		-- Gaius Julius Caesar \
',' \
I never did it that way before. \
',' \
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" \
		-- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) \
',' \
	[I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, \
including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, \
as I am absolutely terrified of yams... \
	Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many \
of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands \
and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. \
My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, \
when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers \
into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, \
pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving \
into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may \
explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians!  Hide the eggs!" every \
time I have pork.  But I digress.  The fact remains that I cannot rationally \
deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. \
',' \
I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! \
',' \
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. \
',' \
I saw what you did and I know who you are. \
',' \
I smell a wumpus. \
',' \
I thought YOU silenced the guard! \
',' \
I understand why you\'re confused.  You\'re thinking too much. \
		-- Carole Wallach. \
',' \
I used to be an agnostic, but now I\'m not so sure. \
',' \
I used to get high on life but lately I\'ve built up a resistance. \
',' \
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I\'m not so sure. \
',' \
I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? \
',' \
I will always love the false image I had of you. \
',' \
I will make you shorter by the head. \
		-- Elizabeth I \
',' \
I will never lie to you. \
',' \
I will not forget you. \
',' \
I wouldn\'t be so paranoid if you weren\'t all out to get me!! \
',' \
I\'d be a poorer man if I\'d never seen an eagle fly. \
		-- John Denver \
 \
[I saw an eagle fly once.  Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy.  Ed.] \
',' \
I\'d give my right arm to be ambidextrous. \
',' \
	"I\'m dying," he croaked. \
	"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . \
	"You can\'t really train a beagle," he dogmatized. \
	"That\'s no beagle, it\'s a mongrel," she muttered. \
	"The fire is going out," he bellowed. \
	"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused. \
	"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me. \
	"You snake," she rattled. \
	"Someone\'s at the door," she chimed. \
	"Company\'s coming," she guessed. \
	"Dawn came too soon," she mourned. \
	"I think I\'ll end it all," Sue sighed. \
	"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. \
	"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly. \
	"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. \
		-- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" \
',' \
I\'m glad I was not born before tea. \
		-- Sidney Smith (1771-1845) \
',' \
I\'m going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. \
		-- John Foreman \
',' \
I\'m not laughing with you, I\'m laughing at you. \
',' \
I\'m not offering myself as an example; every life evolves by its own laws. \
',' \
I\'m not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally. \
',' \
I\'m not proud. \
',' \
I\'m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert! \
',' \
I\'m prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. \
',' \
I\'m so broke I can\'t even pay attention. \
',' \
I\'ve Been Moved! \
',' \
I\'ve been there. \
',' \
I\'ve enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. \
',' \
Identify your visitor. \
',' \
Idleness is the holiday of fools. \
',' \
"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn\'t get very far." \
		-- Paul White \
',' \
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? \
',' \
If everything is coming your way then you\'re in the wrong lane. \
',' \
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. \
',' \
If God is dead, who will save the Queen? \
',' \
If God is One, what is bad? \
		-- Charles Manson \
',' \
If I could drop dead right now, I\'d be the happiest man alive! \
		-- Samuel Goldwyn \
',' \
If I don\'t see you in the future, I\'ll see you in the pasture. \
',' \
If I love you, what business is it of yours? \
		-- Johann van Goethe \
',' \
If it doesn\'t smell yet, it\'s pretty fresh. \
		-- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls \
',' \
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. \
',' \
If it wasn\'t so warm out today, it would be cooler. \
',' \
If it weren\'t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. \
',' \
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. \
',' \
If life is merely a joke, the question still remains: for whose amusement? \
',' \
If life isn\'t what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? \
',' \
If rabbits\' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? \
',' \
If the ends don\'t justify the means, then what does? \
	-- Robert Moses \
',' \
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something \
to do with a shortage of flowers. \
		-- Doug Larson \
 \
	[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.] \
',' \
If the future isn\'t what it used to be, does that mean that the past \
is subject to change in times to come? \
',' \
If the grass is greener on other side of fence, consider what may be \
fertilizing it. \
',' \
If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, then this sentence \
would not be false. \
',' \
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances \
are 50-50 it will. \
',' \
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? \
		-- Art Hoppe \
',' \
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? \
',' \
If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it\'s the light of an \
oncoming train. \
		-- Robert Lowell \
',' \
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. \
',' \
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn\'t a horse. \
',' \
If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. \
		-- John Galsworthy \
',' \
If you have nothing to do, don\'t do it here. \
',' \
If you knew what to say next, would you say it? \
',' \
If you know the answer to a question, don\'t ask. \
		-- Petersen Nesbit \
',' \
If you stick your head in the sand, one thing is for sure, you\'re gonna \
get your rear kicked. \
',' \
If you\'re right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? \
',' \
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. \
		-- Jules de Gaultier \
',' \
Imagine what we can imagine! \
		-- Arthur Rubinstein \
',' \
Immanuel doesn\'t pun, he Kant. \
',' \
Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. \
',' \
In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" \
		-- The Kidner Report \
',' \
In my end is my beginning. \
		-- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots \
',' \
In the war of wits, he\'s unarmed. \
',' \
In this world, truth can wait; she\'s used to it. \
',' \
Include me out. \
',' \
Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. \
',' \
Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? \
',' \
Insomnia isn\'t anything to lose sleep over. \
',' \
Is death legally binding? \
',' \
Isn\'t air travel wonderful?  Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, \
luggage in Brazil. \
',' \
It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the \
manes of horses.  The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle \
baker\'s yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest \
is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. \
',' \
It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, \
and not in circumstances. \
		-- Emerson \
',' \
It is better never to have been born.  But who among us has such luck? \
One in a million, perhaps. \
',' \
It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. \
',' \
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. \
',' \
It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. \
		-- Leonardo da Vinci \
',' \
It is easier to run down a hill than up one. \
',' \
It is the business of the future to be dangerous. \
		-- Hawkwind \
',' \
It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the future. \
',' \
It isn\'t easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world. \
',' \
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. \
',' \
It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately. \
',' \
"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot." \
',' \
It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze \
was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... \
		--- James Dent \
',' \
It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.  Perhaps \
I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it.  I \
don\'t think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and \
the signature (which I guessed at).  There\'s a singular and a perpetual \
charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its \
novelty.  Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but \
yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a reasonable \
man a lifetime. \
		-- Thomas Aldrich \
',' \
It wasn\'t that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.  It was more like \
the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. \
',' \
It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now. \
',' \
It\'ll be a nice world if they ever get it finished. \
',' \
It\'s a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools. \
		-- Danny Vermin \
',' \
It\'s amazing how much better you feel once you\'ve given up hope. \
',' \
It\'s not the fall that kills you, it\'s the landing. \
',' \
It\'s pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth \
have both failed. \
		-- Kim Hubbard \
',' \
Joe\'s sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! \
',' \
Join the march to save individuality! \
',' \
Just because everything is different doesn\'t mean anything has changed. \
		-- Irene Peter \
',' \
Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. \
',' \
Kilroe hic erat! \
',' \
Kiss me twice.  I\'m schizophrenic. \
',' \
Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle. \
',' \
Knocked, you weren\'t in. \
		-- Opportunity \
',' \
Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions. \
		-- Henry N. Camp \
',' \
L\'hazard ne favorise que l\'esprit prepare.   \
		-- L. Pasteur \
',' \
La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. \
',' \
Lake Erie died for your sins. \
',' \
Language is a virus from another planet. \
	-- William Burroughs \
',' \
Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird. \
',' \
Lemmings don\'t grow older, they just die. \
',' \
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. \
',' \
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. \
',' \
Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. \
		-- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18) \
',' \
Let\'s remind ourselves that last year\'s fresh idea is today\'s cliche. \
		-- Austen Briggs \
',' \
Life -- Love It or Leave It. \
',' \
Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. \
		-- Paul Gauguin \
',' \
Life is both difficult and time consuming. \
',' \
Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. \
',' \
Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits? \
',' \
Life is like a simile. \
',' \
Life is like an analogy. \
',' \
Life is not for everyone. \
',' \
Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. \
		-- G.B. Shaw \
',' \
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. \
',' \
Littering is dumb. \
		-- Ronald Macdonald \
',' \
Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! \
		-- The Squirrels\' Motto (The "Hell\'s Angels of Nature") \
',' \
Look out!  Behind you! \
',' \
Look!  Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past. \
',' \
Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... \
		-- Stephen Sondheim \
',' \
Losing your drivers\' license is just God\'s way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" \
',' \
Lost interest?  It\'s so bad I\'ve lost apathy. \
',' \
Love the sea?  I dote upon it -- from the beach. \
',' \
Luck can\'t last a lifetime, unless you die young. \
		-- Russell Banks \
',' \
Madness takes its toll. \
',' \
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. \
',' \
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. \
',' \
Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky. \
',' \
Marigold:		Jealousy \
Mint:			Virute \
Orange blossom:		Your purity equals your loveliness \
Orchid:			Beauty, magnificence \
Pansy:			Thoughts \
Peach blossom:		I am your captive \
Petunia:		Your presence soothes me \
Poppy:			Sleep \
Rose, any color:	Love \
Rose, deep red:		Bashful shame \
Rose, single, pink:	Simplicity \
Rose, thornless, any:	Early attachment \
Rose, white:		I am worthy of you \
Rose, yellow:		Decrease of love, rise of jealousy \
Rosebud, white:		Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love \
Rosemary:		Remembrance \
Sunflower:		Haughtiness \
Tulip, red:		Declaration of love \
Tulip, yellow:		Hopeless love \
Violet, blue:		Faithfulness \
Violet, white:		Modesty \
Zinnia:			Thoughts of absent friends \
	* An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. \
',' \
May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheesy lounge-lizard \
versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz. \
',' \
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts. \
',' \
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. \
',' \
May your camel be as swift as the wind. \
',' \
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a \
Thousand Caramels. \
',' \
Meester, do you vant to buy a duck? \
',' \
Memory should be the starting point of the present. \
',' \
Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen. \
',' \
Metermaids eat their young. \
',' \
Microbiology Lab:  Staph Only! \
',' \
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. \
	-- Jean Cocteau \
',' \
Mobius strippers never show you their back side. \
',' \
Moebius always does it on the same side. \
',' \
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. \
',' \
Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. \
',' \
Most general statements are false, including this one. \
		-- Alexander Dumas \
',' \
Mother Earth is not flat! \
',' \
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. \
		-- Arnold Bennett \
',' \
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. \
',' \
Must be getting close to town -- we\'re hitting more people. \
',' \
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my \
life there. \
',' \
My, how you\'ve changed since I\'ve changed. \
',' \
\'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.\' I moan. \
Never odd or even. \
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. \
Madam, I\'m Adam. \
Sit on a potato pan, Otis. \
Sit on Otis. \
		-- The Mad Palindromist \
',' \
Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. \
		-- Anonymous \
',' \
Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where there is not \
or that there is not space to list it all, etc. \
',' \
Never volunteer for anything. \
		-- Lackland \
',' \
New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of \
Cruelty to Yourself.  Apply within. \
',' \
Nietzsche is pietzsche, but Schiller is killer, and Goethe is moethe. \
',' \
No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. \
		-- William Blake \
',' \
No guts, no glory. \
',' \
No matter how cynical you get, it\'s impossible to keep up. \
',' \
No matter how much you do you never do enough. \
',' \
No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep \
awake all day. \
		-- Nietzsche \
',' \
No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow. \
',' \
Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning. \
',' \
Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. \
		-- M.J. 0\'Donnell \
',' \
Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. \
',' \
Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. \
',' \
Nostalgia isn\'t what it used to be. \
',' \
Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. \
		-- Spinoza \
',' \
Nothing can be done in one trip. \
		-- Snider \
',' \
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it\'s time to get up. \
',' \
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. \
		-- Michel de Montaigne \
',' \
Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. \
		-- Ebner-Eschenbach \
',' \
Nothing lasts forever. \
Where do I find nothing? \
',' \
NOTICE: \
 \
-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- \
 \
(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.) \
',' \
Now there\'s a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," or "Murder \
With Mallets Aforethought." \
		-- Shelby Friedman, WSJ. \
',' \
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. \
',' \
O imitators, you slavish herd! \
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) \
',' \
O.K., fine. \
',' \
Odets, where is thy sting? \
		-- George S. Kaufman \
',' \
Oh yeah?  Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean. \
',' \
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. \
',' \
Oh, wow!  Look at the moon! \
',' \
Once I finally figured out all of life\'s answers, they changed the questions. \
',' \
Onward through the fog. \
',' \
Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am. \
',' \
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. \
',' \
Our problems are so serious that the best way to talk about them is \
lightheartedly. \
',' \
Over the years, I\'ve developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now \
I can remember things that *have* happened before ... \
',' \
Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.  Now ... just try to find out where! \
',' \
Pardon me while I laugh. \
',' \
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. \
',' \
Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it. \
',' \
Phone call for chucky-pooh. \
',' \
Piece of cake! \
		-- G.S. Koblas \
',' \
Plastic...  Aluminum...  These are the inheritors of the Universe! \
Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! \
		-- Green Lantern Comics \
',' \
Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. \
',' \
Please remain calm, it\'s no use both of us being hysterical at the same time. \
',' \
Predestination was doomed from the start. \
',' \
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. \
		-- Niels Bohr \
',' \
Preserve the old, but know the new. \
',' \
Progress might have been all right once, but it\'s gone on too long. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
Progress was all right.  Only it went on too long. \
		-- James Thurber \
',' \
Punning is the worst vice, and there\'s no vice versa. \
',' \
Pyros of the world... IGNITE !!! \
',' \
QED. \
',' \
Quack! \
	Quack!! Quack!! \
',' \
Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until they\'re changed or \
help speed the change by breaking them? \
',' \
Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened! \
',' \
Quod erat demonstrandum. \
	[Thus it is proven.  For those who wondered WTF QED means.] \
',' \
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. \
',' \
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. \
',' \
Reality -- what a concept! \
		-- Robin Williams \
',' \
Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. \
		-- Hans Liepmann \
',' \
Remember the... the... uhh..... \
',' \
Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good offense! \
',' \
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you\'ll probably get \
another chance later on. \
',' \
Ring around the collar. \
',' \
Rubber bands have snappy endings! \
',' \
Safety Third. \
',' \
Sailors in ships, sail on!  Even while we died, others rode out the storm. \
',' \
Sank heaven for leetle curls. \
',' \
Santa Claus is watching! \
',' \
Santa\'s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. \
',' \
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. \
',' \
Save the bales! \
',' \
Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. \
',' \
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set. \
',' \
See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, \'cause \
the second one should have seen it. \
',' \
She has an alarm clock and a phone that don\'t ring -- they applaud. \
',' \
She\'s genuinely bogus. \
',' \
	"Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." \
	"Oh, yeah?  What\'s he look like?" \
	"Well, he\'s wearin\' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and \
paper boots." \
	"What\'s he wanted for?" \
	"Rustling." \
',' \
Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today.  Two freaks \
in a van  [Oh no!!  It\'s the Copyright Police!!]  Her aura-charred body was \
laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society \
of Asinine Flake Entertainers].  Excerpted from some of his more quotable \
comments: \
 \
	"Truly a woman of the times.  These times, those times..." \
	"A Renaissance woman.  Why in 1432..." \
	"A man for all seasons.  Really..." \
 \
After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful \
it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead \
body join her long dead brain. \
',' \
Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. \
',' \
Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. \
		-- Thomas Carlyle \
',' \
Silence is the only virtue you have left. \
',' \
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work. \
',' \
Sleep is for the weak and sickly. \
',' \
Smear the road with a runner!! \
',' \
Solipsists of the World... you are already united. \
		-- Kayvan Sylvan \
',' \
Some changes are so slow, you don\'t notice them.  Others are so fast, \
they don\'t notice you. \
',' \
Some parts of the past must be preserved, and some of the future prevented \
at all costs. \
',' \
Some people live life in the fast lane.  You\'re in oncoming traffic. \
',' \
Someday we\'ll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. \
		-- Evan Davis \
',' \
Someday you\'ll get your big chance -- or have you already had it? \
',' \
Someday, Weederman, we\'ll look back on all this and laugh... It will \
probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a \
blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh. \
		-- Mister Boffo \
',' \
Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through \
satisfaction. \
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant \
',' \
Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it. \
',' \
Sometimes, too long is too long. \
		-- Joe Crowe \
',' \
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. \
		-- Carl Sagan \
',' \
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. \
(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie). \
',' \
Sorry.  I forget what I was going to say. \
',' \
Sorry.  Nice try. \
',' \
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. \
',' \
Stamp out philately. \
',' \
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. \
',' \
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. \
',' \
Stop me, before I kill again! \
',' \
Support the Girl Scouts! \
	(Today\'s Brownie is tomorrow\'s Cookie!) \
',' \
Take it easy, we\'re in a hurry. \
',' \
Take what you can use and let the rest go by. \
		-- Ken Kesey \
',' \
Tempt me with a spoon! \
',' \
Thank you for observing all safety precautions. \
',' \
That\'s odd.  That\'s very odd.  Wouldn\'t you say that\'s very odd? \
',' \
That\'s what she said. \
',' \
The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. \
		-- Clifton Fadiman \
',' \
The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. \
',' \
The best prophet of the future is the past. \
',' \
The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. \
		-- Herbert von Fritzlar \
',' \
The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,  \
and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.   \
		-- H.D. Thoreau \
',' \
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. \
',' \
The difference between this place and yogurt is that yogurt has a live culture. \
',' \
The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. \
',' \
The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. \
		-- Anne Boleyn \
',' \
The fact that it works is immaterial. \
		-- L. Ogborn \
',' \
... the flaw that makes perfection perfect. \
',' \
The future isn\'t what it used to be.  (It never was.) \
',' \
The future lies ahead. \
',' \
The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it. \
		-- George Meredith \
',' \
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. \
',' \
The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its message and then \
disappears. \
',' \
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom \
whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. \
',' \
The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. \
',' \
	"The jig\'s up, Elman." \
	"Which jig?" \
		-- Jeff Elman \
',' \
The Killer Ducks are coming!!! \
',' \
The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. \
',' \
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. \
',' \
The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian\'s last ditch effort! \
',' \
The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble. \
',' \
The most important things, each person must do for himself. \
',' \
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to \
cringe. \
',' \
The past always looks better than it was.  It\'s only pleasant because \
it isn\'t here. \
		-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) \
',' \
The philosopher\'s treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness. \
		-- Wittgenstein. \
',' \
The pollution\'s at that awkward stage.  Too thick to navigate and too \
thin to cultivate. \
		-- Doug Sneyd \
',' \
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don\'t know where to go \
to erase it. \
		-- Glaser and Way \
',' \
The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is cursed. \
',' \
The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us. \
',' \
The sheep died in the wool. \
',' \
The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. \
',' \
The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line. \
',' \
The sixth sheik\'s sixth sheep\'s sick. \
	[so say said sentence sextuply...] \
',' \
The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. \
		-- Judge Harold T. Stone \
',' \
The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. \
		-- Hosea Ballou \
',' \
The whole earth is in jail and we\'re plotting this incredible jailbreak. \
		-- Wavy Gravy \
',' \
The whole world is a scab.  The point is to pick it constructively. \
		-- Peter Beard \
',' \
The world really isn\'t any worse.  It\'s just that the news coverage \
is so much better. \
',' \
The world wants to be deceived. \
		-- Sebastian Brant \
',' \
The worst part of valor is indiscretion. \
',' \
Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible \
eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. \
"\'Bye for now," she said warmly. \
		-- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D." \
',' \
There are no rules for March.  March is spring, sort of, usually, March \
means maybe, but don\'t bet on it. \
',' \
There are three things I always forget.  Names, faces -- the third I \
can\'t remember. \
		-- Italo Svevo \
',' \
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. \
		-- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar \
',' \
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know \
nothing about. \
',' \
There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. \
		-- Walt Disney \
',' \
There is always someone worse off than yourself. \
',' \
There is always something new out of Africa. \
		-- Gaius Plinius Secundus \
',' \
There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. \
',' \
There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. \
		-- Marie Antoinette \
',' \
There seems no plan because it is all plan. \
		-- C.S. Lewis \
',' \
There\'s no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn\'t get \
any worse. \
',' \
There\'s nothing very mysterious about you, except that \
nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination. \
',' \
They finally got King Midas, I hear.  Gild by association. \
',' \
They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed. \
',' \
Think big.  Pollute the Mississippi. \
',' \
Think honk if you\'re a telepath. \
',' \
Think sideways! \
		-- Ed De Bono \
',' \
This is NOT a repeat. \
',' \
This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.  And now you know why. \
',' \
This must be morning.  I never could get the hang of mornings. \
',' \
This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn\'t. \
		-- Douglas Hofstadter \
',' \
This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have. \
',' \
This sentence no verb. \
',' \
Three minutes\' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is \
irksome and three minutes is a long time. \
		-- A.E. Houseman \
',' \
Three o\'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little \
too early for anything you want to do. \
		-- Jean-Paul Sartre \
',' \
Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. \
		-- Henry David Thoreau \
',' \
Time will end all my troubles, but I don\'t always approve of Time\'s methods. \
',' \
Tis man\'s perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. \
',' \
To generalize is to be an idiot. \
		-- William Blake \
',' \
To love is good, love being difficult. \
',' \
To see you is to sympathize. \
',' \
"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" \
',' \
Topologists are just plane folks. \
	Pilots are just plane folks. \
		Carpenters are just plane folks. \
			Midwest farmers are just plain folks. \
		Musicians are just playin\' folks. \
	Whodunit readers are just Spillane folks. \
Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks. \
',' \
Trouble always comes at the wrong time. \
',' \
Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the \
next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it\'s the start of \
a brand new series of three. \
',' \
True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of \
personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. \
		-- David Mamet \
',' \
Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. \
',' \
Use a pun, go to jail. \
',' \
Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. \
		-- Pericles \
',' \
Wanna buy a duck? \
',' \
Wasting time is an important part of living. \
',' \
We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM! \
',' \
We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. \
		-- Carl Sagan \
',' \
We must die because we have known them. \
		-- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C. \
',' \
We\'ll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. \
',' \
Welcome to the Zoo! \
',' \
Well thaaaaaaat\'s okay. \
',' \
Well, the handwriting is on the floor. \
		-- Joe E. Lewis \
',' \
Well, we\'ll really have a party, but we\'ve gotta post a guard outside. \
		-- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody" \
',' \
What causes the mysterious death of everyone? \
',' \
What color is a chameleon on a mirror? \
',' \
	"What did you do when the ship sank?" \
	"I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore." \
',' \
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? \
',' \
What excuses stand in your way?  How can you eliminate them? \
		-- Roger von Oech \
',' \
What happens when you cut back the jungle?  It recedes. \
',' \
What is the sound of one hand clapping? \
',' \
What soon grows old?  Gratitude. \
		-- Aristotle \
',' \
	"What time is it?" \
	"I don\'t know, it keeps changing." \
',' \
What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. \
		-- Wittgenstein \
',' \
What will you do if all your problems aren\'t solved by the time you die? \
',' \
What you want, what you\'re hanging around in the world waiting for, is for \
something to occur to you. \
		-- Robert Frost \
  \
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when \
	 referring to AST\'s.] \
',' \
What!?  Me worry? \
		-- Alfred E. Newman \
',' \
What\'s all this brouhaha? \
',' \
What\'s so funny? \
',' \
"What\'s the use of a good quotation if you can\'t change it?" \
		-- The Doctor \
',' \
Whatever became of eternal truth? \
',' \
When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn\'t get very far! \
',' \
When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? \
',' \
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop? \
',' \
When does later become never? \
',' \
When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. \
		-- Gen. C. Abrams \
',' \
When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure? \
',' \
When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. \
		-- Billy Sunday \
',' \
When things go well, expect something to explode, erode, collapse or \
just disappear. \
',' \
When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal. \
',' \
When you\'re down and out, lift up your voice and shout, "I\'M DOWN AND OUT"! \
',' \
When you\'re ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? \
',' \
When your memory goes, forget it! \
',' \
Where am I?  Who am I?  Am I?  I \
',' \
Where will it all end?  Probably somewhere near where it all began. \
',' \
Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. \
		-- Wittgenstein \
',' \
Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares? \
',' \
Whip it, whip it good! \
',' \
Who are you? \
',' \
Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? \
		-- Hattie McDaniel \
',' \
Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? \
',' \
Who will take care of the world after you\'re gone? \
',' \
Why are you so hard to ignore? \
',' \
Why do seagulls live near the sea?  \'Cause if they lived near the bay, \
they\'d be called baygulls. \
',' \
Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? \
',' \
Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? \
',' \
Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? \
',' \
Why isn\'t there a special name for the tops of your feet? \
		-- Lily Tomlin \
',' \
Why not go out on a limb?  Isn\'t that where the fruit is? \
',' \
Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? \
',' \
Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. \
		-- Alfred North Whitehead \
',' \
Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue. \
		-- Alfieri \
',' \
Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction? \
',' \
Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions? \
',' \
WRONG! \
',' \
You auto buy now. \
',' \
You can cage a swallow, can\'t you, \
	but you can\'t swallow a cage, can you? \
Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, \
	finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. \
A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! \
		-- The Palindromist \
',' \
You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to? \
',' \
	"You\'ve got to think about tomorrow!" \
	"TOMORROW!  I haven\'t even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!" \
',' \
Zeus gave Leda the bird. \
',' \
A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: \
 \
If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save \
a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning \
photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use? \
		-- Paul Harvey \
',' \
A Hen Brooding Kittens \
	A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, \
a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three \
kittens!  The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring \
says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that \
she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past.  The young \
felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at \
her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. \
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861 \
',' \
	A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe. \
Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we \
never reveal our sauce." \
',' \
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed \
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new \
game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the \
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly \
along it at the water\'s edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their \
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn \
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite \
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the \
paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin \
colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins \
fall over gently onto their backs. \
		-- Audobon Society Magazine \
',' \
A New Way of Taking Pills \
	A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and \
having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with \
small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks \
will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. \
		-- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 \
',' \
A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. \
		-- Arthure "Bugs" Baer \
',' \
A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a \
watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he \
looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his \
tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were \
they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led \
by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged, \
killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting \
could not be seen.  A little while later the two kings of the jungle \
emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that\'s the end of \
the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions." \
',' \
"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked \
out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon." \
		-- Steel City News \
',' \
A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new \
bonnet.  Coroner\'s verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." \
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 \
',' \
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. \
		-- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with \
the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only \
the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of \
any interest...  but even then the interest items are usually buried deep \
around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont.  on ...") page... \
 \
The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa.  The \
Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all. \
But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line \
or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie \
burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the neck. \
They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an oriental \
woman who seemed to be in control." \
 \
Now that\'s good journalism.  Totally objective; very active and straight \
to the point. \
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing \'72" \
',' \
All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills after \
the battle is over and shoot the wounded. \
',' \
An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. \
		-- Adlai Stevenson \
',' \
"... And remember: if you don\'t like the news, go out and make some of \
your own." \
        	-- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter Preposterous Words \
',' \
And that\'s the way it is... \
		-- Walter Cronkite \
',' \
Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. \
',' \
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. \
',' \
Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that \
rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. \
		-- Erwin Knoll \
',' \
FLASH! \
Intelligence of mankind decreasing. \
Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the .... \
',' \
... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, \
and you would not have been informed. \
',' \
I only know what I read in the papers. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
I read the newspaper avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction. \
		-- Aneurin Bevan \
',' \
I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens \
who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known \
something of what has been passing in their time. \
		-- H. Truman \
',' \
If I were to walk on water, the press would say I\'m only doing it \
because I can\'t swim. \
		-- Bob Stanfield \
',' \
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he\'ll get rich,  \
or famous or both. \
',' \
In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" \
Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. \
		-- Frank Mankiewicz \
',' \
Isn\'t it conceivable to you that an intelligent person could harbor \
two opposing ideas in his mind? \
		-- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters \
',' \
Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism \
in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with \
the ignorance of the community. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Journalism is literature in a hurry. \
		-- Matthew Arnold \
',' \
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you\'re at it. \
',' \
Most rock journalism is people who can\'t write interviewing people who \
can\'t talk for people who can\'t read. \
		-- Frank Zappa \
',' \
My father was a God-fearing man, but he never missed a copy of the \
New York Times, either. \
		-- E.B. White \
',' \
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. \
		-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 \
',' \
			*** NEWSFLASH *** \
 \
Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven! \
',' \
"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper." \
		-- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was \
		   taken over by Rupert Murdoch \
',' \
Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.  And of \
TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. \
',' \
		Once Again From the Top \
 \
Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously \
reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman \
in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and \
lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular \
homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that \
he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on \
George Wilson.  Each of these items was erroneous material published \
inadvertently.  He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the \
lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with \
vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. \
The Herald regrets the errors." \
		-- "The Progressive", March, 1987 \
',' \
One of the signs of Napoleon\'s greatness is the fact that he once had a \
publisher shot. \
		-- Siegfried Unseld \
',' \
People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better \
press than people who are just funny and smart. \
		-- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" \
',' \
Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do. \
		-- Robert B. Goodman \
	[Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10.  Ed.] \
',' \
	Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him \
Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, \
and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell \
every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about \
getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console \
me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. \
	Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem \
to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don\'t have time for that. \
No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or \
maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland...  On \
the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as \
whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last \
possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. \
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail" \
',' \
The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper. \
		-- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends \
to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon. \
 \
Film at 11:00. \
',' \
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating \
people to approach printed matter with distrust.  \
',' \
"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country.  The \
Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The \
National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running \
the country ..." \
		-- Robert J Woodhead \
',' \
The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a \
plausible manner and a little literary ability.  The capacity to steal \
other people\'s ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. \
		-- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On" \
',' \
The world really isn\'t any worse.  It\'s just that the news coverage \
is so much better. \
',' \
	"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" \
	"NO! ... I mean Yes!  WHAT?" \
	"I\'ll put `maybe.\'" \
		-- Bloom County \
',' \
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.  Had there been an \
actual emergency, then you would no longer be here. \
',' \
This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an \
actual emergency, do you really think we\'d stick around to tell you? \
',' \
This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life, you \
would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go. \
',' \
Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools\' Day is not recommended for \
those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking up. \
		-- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 \
',' \
You know the great thing about TV?  If something important happens \
anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, \
you can always change the channel. \
		-- Jim Ignatowski \
',' \
A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. \
Bastinado is about right.  For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. \
But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
A \'full\' life in my experience is usually full only of other people\'s demands. \
',' \
A bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can\'t talk about \
yourself. \
',' \
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have \
enlightened him with ours. \
',' \
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together \
		-- Herbert Prochnow \
',' \
A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. \
		-- Victor Hugo \
',' \
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. \
		-- Edgar A. Shoaff \
',' \
A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. \
		-- Publilius Syrus \
',' \
A friend is a present you give yourself. \
		-- Robert Louis Stevenson \
',' \
A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to \
you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to \
you about yourself. \
		-- Lisa Kirk \
',' \
A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head.  The \
green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that \
grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals \
indicating two directions at once.  Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the \
bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled \
with disapproval and potato chip crumbs.  In the shadow under the green visor \
of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly\'s supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down \
upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department \
store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress.  Several \
of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be \
properly considered offenses against taste and decency.  Possession of \
anything new or expensive only reflected a person\'s lack of theology and \
geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one\'s soul. \
		-- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces" \
',' \
A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own \
weight in other people\'s patience. \
		-- John Updike \
',' \
A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another \
man riding on a camel.  When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man \
whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... \
water..." \
	"I\'m sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don\'t have any water \
with me.  But I\'d be delighted to sell you a necktie." \
	"Tie?" whispers the man.  "I need *water*." \
	"They\'re only four dollars apiece." \
	"I need *water*." \
	"Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." \
	"Please!  I need *water*!", says the man. \
	"I don\'t have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, \
and he heads off into the distance. \
	The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. \
Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he \
sees a restaurant in the distance.  Summoning the last of his strength he \
staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. \
	"Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. \
	"I\'m sorry, sir, ties required." \
',' \
A man of genius makes no mistakes. \
His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. \
		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses" \
',' \
	A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police \
during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he \
was making a bolt for the door. \
',' \
A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path. \
',' \
A man who turns green has eschewed protein. \
',' \
A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. \
',' \
A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create \
destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in \
turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man \
would deliberately go mad to prove his point. \
		-- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" \
',' \
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. \
		-- Gore Vidal \
',' \
A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what\'s going on. \
		-- William S. Burroughs \
',' \
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. \
',' \
	"A penny for your thoughts?" \
	"A dollar for your death." \
		-- The Odd Couple \
',' \
A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. \
',' \
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. \
',' \
A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. \
A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. \
',' \
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. \
		-- Elbert Hubbard \
',' \
A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your \
last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something \
of yours to press against my heart. \
		-- Goethe \
',' \
A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. \
		-- George Eliot \
',' \
A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. \
		-- Miguel de Cervantes \
',' \
A real friend isn\'t someone you use once and then throw away. \
A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. \
',' \
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and \
the real reason. \
',' \
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single  \
man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. \
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery \
',' \
A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule. \
',' \
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep \
him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are \
worth committing. \
		-- Samuel Butler \
',' \
	"...A strange enigma is man!" \
	"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. \
	"Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes.  "He remarked \
that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he \
becomes a mathematical certainty.  You can, for example, never foretell what \
any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number \
will be up to.  Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant.  So says \
the statistician." \
		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" \
',' \
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, \
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. \
		-- B. Franklin \
',' \
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without \
getting nervous. \
',' \
A well-known friend is a treasure. \
',' \
	A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened  \
to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.  After seeing the  \
sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. \
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride.  "You certainly have a dangerous job. \
Don\'t you ever get bitten by the snakes?" \
	"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. \
	"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you\'re bitten by \
a snake?" \
	"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I \
am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then \
suck the poison from the wound." \
	"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on \
a rattler?" persisted the woman. \
	"Ma\'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn \
who my real friends are." \
',' \
Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. \
',' \
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies. \
',' \
Adam was but human--this explains it all.  He did not want the apple for the \
apple\'s sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden.  The mistake was in \
not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent. \
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd\'nhead Wilson\'s Calendar" \
',' \
Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. \
',' \
Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can\'t be ascetic, \
then at least be aseptic. \
',' \
After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. \
		-- Jean Giraudoux \
',' \
After all, what is your hosts\' purpose in having a party?  Surely not for \
you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they\'d have simply \
sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. \
		-- P.J. O\'Rourke \
',' \
After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything. \
Just in case. \
',' \
	After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the \
seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed.  Later she was heard to \
sing, "Some day my prints will come." \
',' \
Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. \
		-- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 \
',' \
Ah say, son, you\'re about as sharp as a bowlin\' ball. \
',' \
Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! \
',' \
Al didn\'t smile for forty years.  You\'ve got to admire a man like that. \
		-- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" \
',' \
Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself \
or not.  Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has \
a beginning and an end.  Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and \
Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. \
		-- Tom Robbins \
',' \
All God\'s children are not beautiful.  Most of God\'s children are, in fact, \
barely presentable. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" \
',' \
All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, \
to the future.  Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. \
		-- Yoda \
',' \
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance. \
',' \
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. \
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant \
',' \
All I\'ve got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the \
throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson.  "Be \
practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table.  Well, Laurie \
Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers \
that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, \
that have queens as sovereign rulers.  That\'s probably my best shot. \
',' \
All men have the right to wait in line. \
',' \
All men profess honesty as long as they can.  To believe all men honest \
would be folly.  To believe none so is something worse. \
		-- John Quincy Adams \
',' \
All most people want is a little more than they\'ll ever get. \
',' \
All my friends and I are crazy.  That\'s the only thing that keeps us sane. \
',' \
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific." \
		-- Jane Wagner \
',' \
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is \
to enjoy it. \
',' \
All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. \
		-- Susan Sontag \
',' \
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism \
to live beyond its income. \
		-- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" \
',' \
All the world\'s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. \
		-- Sean O\'Casey \
',' \
All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each \
other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. \
This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with \
our lives." \
		-- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell" \
',' \
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn\'t expect to be paid back. \
',' \
Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else. \
',' \
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. \
		-- Charlie McCarthy \
',' \
America\'s best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. \
',' \
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. \
',' \
An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane \
when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island.  When \
several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a \
despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his \
usual pledge to the United Way Campaign. \
	"We\'re running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband \
barked.  "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but \
I\'ve already paid them half of it." \
	"You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed \
euphorically.  "Don\'t worry, Harry, they\'ll find us!  They\'ll find us!" \
',' \
An evil mind is a great comfort. \
',' \
An excellence-oriented \'80s male does not wear a regular watch.  He wears \
a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised \
only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich \
Protestant Golfer Magazine.  The advertisements are written in \
incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote excellence: \
 \
"The Rolex Hyperion.  An elegant new standard in quality excellence and \
discriminating handcraftsmanship.  For the individual who is truly able \
to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting \
things by hand.  Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold.  No watch parts \
or anything.  Just a great big chunk on your wrist.  Truly a timeless \
statement.  For the individual who is very secure.  Who doesn\'t need to \
be reminded all the time that he is very successful. Much more successful \
than the people who laughed at him in high school.  Because of his acne. \
People who are probably nowhere near as successful as he is now.  Maybe \
he\'ll go to his 20th reunion, and they\'ll see his Rolex Hyperion. \
Hahahahahahahahaha." \
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" \
',' \
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the \
grand fallacy. \
		-- Benjamin Stolberg \
',' \
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows \
absolutely everything about nothing. \
',' \
An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. \
		-- Henry Ford \
',' \
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be \
devoured. \
		-- Konrad Adenauer \
',' \
An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. \
		-- Albert Camus \
',' \
An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. \
		-- Don Marquis \
',' \
And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big \
ones.  The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them.  The \
little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren\'t thinking about \
them, aren\'t braced against them. \
		-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" \
',' \
And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! \
My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez Addams -- \
he was good for nothing." \
		-- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family \
',' \
And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. \
',' \
And the crowd was stilled.  One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, \
turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said.  Wide-eyed, \
the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no \
clothes!  He is naked!" \
		-- "The Emperor\'s New Clothes" \
',' \
"And, you know, I mustn\'t preach to you, but surely it wouldn\'t be right for \
you to take away people\'s pleasure of studying your attire, by just going \
and making yourself like everybody else.  You feel that, don\'t you?"  said \
he, earnestly. \
		-- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere" \
',' \
Anger is momentary madness. \
		-- Horace \
',' \
Anger kills as surely as the other vices. \
',' \
Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. \
Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. \
		-- Charles McCabe \
',' \
Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a \
mountain in a fog.  But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside \
than in bed.  What kind of man would live where there is no daring? \
And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? \
Is there a better way to die? \
		-- Charles Lindbergh \
',' \
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know \
how to lie well. \
		-- Samuel Butler \
',' \
Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit \
rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out of \
season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that \
requires a heroism which is transcendent. \
		-- Henry Ward Beecher \
',' \
Any man who hates dogs and babies can\'t be all bad. \
		-- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields \
',' \
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. \
',' \
Anybody who doesn\'t cut his speed at the sight of a police car is \
probably parked. \
',' \
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. \
',' \
Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right \
person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose \
and in the right way -- that is not easy. \
		-- Aristotle \
',' \
"Anyone can say \'no\'. It is the first word a child learns and often the \
first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no \
explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for \
intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of \
thought on every occasion." \
                -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) \
',' \
Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. \
',' \
Apathy Club meeting this Friday.  If you want to come, you\'re not invited. \
',' \
"Apathy is not the problem, it\'s the solution" \
',' \
Appearances often are deceiving. \
		-- Aesop \
',' \
Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? \
Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? \
Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? \
Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? \
Do you use the "greasy kid\'s stuff" to stick down your cowlick? \
Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen \
	or so pencils from marking the cloth? \
Do you think Mary Jane is somebody\'s name? \
Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do? \
Is Batman your hero?  Superman?  Green Lantern?  The Shadow? \
Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? \
 \
	Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) \
0-2  -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. \
3-5  -- There is hope for you yet. \
6-7  -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. \
8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. \
11+  -- Does suicide seem attractive? \
',' \
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they\'re yours. \
		-- Messiah\'s Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul \
',' \
Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly \
the same opinion. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." \
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" \
',' \
As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. \
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) \
',' \
As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. \
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly \
useful and interesting, I just had to share it. \
 \
Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" \
 \
 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. \
 2. If I go into the street, I\'m apt to be bitten by a horse. \
 3. Some people never look at me. \
 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. \
 5. My sex life is A-okay. \
 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. \
 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. \
 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. \
 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. \
10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. \
11. I think most people would cry to gain a point. \
12. I cannot read or write. \
13. I am bored by thoughts of death. \
14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. \
15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. \
16. I am never startled by a fish. \
17. My mother\'s uncle was a good man. \
18. I don\'t like it when somebody is rotten. \
19. People who break the law are wise guys. \
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. \
',' \
As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. \
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly \
useful and interesting, I just had to share it. \
 \
Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" \
 \
 1. I think beavers work too hard. \
 2. I use shoe polish to excess. \
 3. God is love. \
 4. I like mannish children. \
 5. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln\'s ears. \
 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. \
 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. \
 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. \
 9. I believe I smell as good as most people. \
10. Frantic screams make me nervous. \
11. It\'s hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room \
    full of mice. \
12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. \
13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. \
14. As a child I was deprived of licorice. \
15. I would never shake hands with a gardener. \
16. My eyes are always cold. \
17. Cousins are not to be trusted. \
18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. \
19. I am never startled by a fish. \
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. \
',' \
As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, but you will do them \
with much more enthusiasm. \
		-- The Cowboy \
',' \
Ask not what\'s inside your head, but what your head\'s inside of. \
		-- J.J. Gibson \
',' \
Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. \
		-- John Stuart Mill \
',' \
Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.  Run \
with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened.  Keep \
the company of bums and you will become a bum.  Hang around with rich people \
and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke. \
		-- Stanley Walker \
',' \
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his \
thumb with a hammer. \
		-- Marshall Lumsden \
',' \
Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways \
and it was always snowing. \
',' \
Bacon\'s not the only thing that\'s cured by hanging from a string. \
',' \
Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink \
that they may live. \
		-- Socrates \
',' \
Be braver -- you can\'t cross a chasm in two small jumps. \
',' \
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations that \
can\'t bear inspection. \
',' \
Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. \
		-- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" \
',' \
Be incomprehensible.  If they can\'t understand, they can\'t disagree. \
',' \
Be independent.  Insult a rich relative today. \
',' \
Be nice to people on the way up, because you\'ll meet them on your way down. \
		-- Wilson Mizner \
',' \
Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. \
		-- Pope St. Gregory I \
',' \
Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream. \
',' \
Be self-reliant and your success is assured. \
',' \
Be valiant, but not too venturous. \
Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. \
		-- John Lyly \
',' \
Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. \
		-- Redd Foxx \
',' \
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. \
		-- Addison H. Hallock \
',' \
Before destruction a man\'s heart is haughty, but humility goes before honour. \
		-- Psalms 18:12 \
',' \
Being popular is important.  Otherwise people might not like you. \
',' \
Being ugly isn\'t illegal.  Yet. \
',' \
Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember \
and be sad. \
		-- Christina Rossetti \
',' \
Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a \
drip under pressure. \
',' \
Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. \
',' \
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and \
finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full of \
murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by \
their ignorance the hard way." \
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat\'s Cradle" \
',' \
BEWARE!  People acting under the influence of human nature. \
',' \
Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. \
',' \
Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. \
',' \
Blessed are the forgetful:  for they get the better even of their blunders. \
		-- Nietzsche \
',' \
Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded \
to say it. \
		-- James Russell Lowell \
',' \
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. \
		-- W.C. Bennett \
',' \
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. \
		-- Alexander Pope \
',' \
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, \
for he shall enjoy living. \
		-- W.C. Bennett \
',' \
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving \
wordy evidence of the fact. \
		-- George Eliot \
',' \
Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding. \
		-- Ralph Lewin \
',' \
Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers.  There is, indeed, no wild beast \
more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. \
If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if \
brusque, your character. \
		-- Jonathan Swift \
',' \
Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. \
',' \
But I find the old notions somehow appealing.  Not that I want to go back \
to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you what is \
proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous to hold \
reason higher than body or feeling.  Still there is something true and \
profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or theft or \
assault violate the doer as well as the done to.  We might even, if we \
thought this way, have less crime.  The popular view of crime, as far as \
I can deduce it from the movies and television, is that it is a breaking \
of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away with that; implicitly, \
everyone would like to break the rule, but not everyone is arrogant \
enough to imagine they can get away with it.  It therefore becomes very \
important for the rule upholders to bring such arrogance down. \
		-- Marilyn French, "The Woman\'s Room" \
',' \
But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! \
',' \
"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast \
to the nearest gas station." \
',' \
But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than  \
frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?   \
		-- M. Proust \
',' \
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task \
completely overwhelm you. \
',' \
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. \
',' \
By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart. \
		-- Confucius \
',' \
Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! \
		-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" \
',' \
Can you buy friendship?  You not only can, you must.  It\'s the \
only way to obtain friends.  Everything worthwhile has a price. \
		-- Robert J. Ringer \
',' \
Certainly there are things in life that money can\'t buy, \
But it\'s very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money? \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
Character is what you are in the dark! \
		-- Lord John Whorfin \
',' \
Charlie Brown:	Why was I put on this earth? \
Linus:		To make others happy. \
Charlie Brown:	Why were others put on this earth? \
',' \
Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- without having asked any \
clear question. \
',' \
Class, that\'s the only thing that counts in life.  Class. \
Without class and style, a man\'s a bum; he might as well be dead. \
		-- "Bugsy" Siegel \
',' \
Class: when they\'re running you out of town, to look like you\'re \
leading the parade. \
		-- Bill Battie \
',' \
Clones are people two. \
',' \
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. \
',' \
Coming together is a beginning; \
	keeping together is progress; \
		working together is success. \
',' \
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at \
different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. \
		-- Clive James \
',' \
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. \
		-- Josh Billings \
',' \
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. \
Everyone thinks he has enough. \
	-- Descartes, 1637 \
',' \
Conceit causes more conversation than wit. \
		-- LaRouchefoucauld \
',' \
Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; \
confess them to man and you will be laughed at. \
		-- Josh Billings \
',' \
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is \
good for dandruff. \
		-- Peter de Vries \
',' \
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. \
',' \
Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation. \
		-- Lord Thomas Dewar \
',' \
Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you \
fall flat on your face. \
		-- Dr. L. Binder \
',' \
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. \
',' \
Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative. \
',' \
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. \
		-- H. L. Mencken \
',' \
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. \
		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" \
',' \
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. \
',' \
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you \
wish you weren\'t. \
',' \
Convention is the ruler of all. \
		-- Pindar \
',' \
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius. \
',' \
Cops never say good-bye. They\'re always hoping to see you again in the line-up. \
		-- Raymond Chandler \
',' \
Correction does much, but encouragement does more. \
		-- Goethe \
',' \
Courage is fear that has said its prayers. \
',' \
Courage is grace under pressure. \
',' \
Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for \
peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being \
ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they\'ll \
say it was obvious all along. \
		-- Alan Ashley-Pitt \
',' \
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing. \
',' \
Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; \
sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube. \
',' \
Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. \
		-- Zeuxis \
',' \
Dare to be naive. \
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller \
',' \
Dave Mack:	"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." \
Allen Gwinn:	"Yours is." \
',' \
Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may \
have to eat them. \
',' \
Death rays don\'t kill people, people kill people!! \
',' \
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. \
		-- Bill Musselman \
',' \
Delay is preferable to error. \
		-- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
Did you know that clones never use mirrors? \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. \
		-- Euripides \
',' \
Distance doesn\'t make you any smaller, but it does make you part of a \
larger picture. \
',' \
Do clones have navels? \
',' \
Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. \
',' \
Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.  Their tastes \
may not be the same. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. \
',' \
Do not try to solve all life\'s problems at once -- learn to dread each \
day as it comes. \
		-- Donald Kaul \
',' \
Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.  I \
believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they think. \
There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not think, for every \
one who does, and these people hate the thinkers like poison.  Even if some \
thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make fun of them for it.  Better to \
think about cucumbers even, than not to think at all. \
		-- T.H. White \
',' \
Do you mean that you not only want a wrong answer, but a certain wrong answer? \
		-- Tobaben \
',' \
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take \
the time to take the dirt out of them? \
',' \
Don\'t be overly suspicious where it\'s not warranted. \
',' \
Don\'t believe everything you hear or anything you say. \
',' \
Don\'t change the reason, just change the excuses! \
		-- Joe Cointment \
',' \
Don\'t confuse things that need action with those that take care of themselves. \
',' \
Don\'t despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. \
		-- Josh Billings \
',' \
Don\'t ever slam a door; you might want to go back. \
',' \
Don\'t expect people to keep in step--it\'s hard enough just staying in line. \
',' \
Don\'t hit a man when he\'s down -- kick him; it\'s easier. \
',' \
Don\'t interfere with the stranger\'s style. \
',' \
Don\'t put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. \
		-- Miguel de Cervantes \
',' \
Don\'t remember what you can infer. \
		-- Harry Tennant \
',' \
Don\'t say "yes" until I finish talking. \
		-- Darryl F. Zanuck \
',' \
Don\'t shoot until you\'re sure you both aren\'t on the same side. \
',' \
Don\'t shout for help at night.  You might wake your neighbors. \
		-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" \
',' \
Don\'t tell me that worry doesn\'t do any good.  I know better.  The things \
I worry about don\'t happen. \
		-- Watchman Examiner \
',' \
Don\'t tell me what you dreamed last night for I\'ve been reading Freud. \
',' \
Don\'t try to have the last word -- you might get it. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
Don\'t try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free \
with my breakfast cereal. \
		-- Zaphod Beeblebrox \
',' \
Don\'t worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts \
avoiding you. \
		-- The Old Farmer\'s Almanac \
',' \
Don\'t worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any good, \
you\'ll have to ram them down people\'s throats. \
		-- Howard Aiken \
',' \
Don\'t worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They\'re too \
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. \
',' \
Don\'t you wish that all the people who sincerely want to help you \
could agree with each other? \
',' \
Dorothy:	But how can you talk without a brain? \
Scarecrow:	Well, I don\'t know... but some people without brains \
		do an awful lot of talking. \
		-- The Wizard of Oz \
',' \
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. \
		-- Voltaire \
',' \
Drive defensively.  Buy a tank. \
',' \
Early to bed and early to rise and you\'ll be groggy when everyone else is \
wide awake. \
',' \
	Eeyore, the old grey Donkey, stood by the side of the stream, and \
looked at himself in the water. \
	"Pathetic," he said.  "That\'s what it is.  Pathetic." \
	He turned and walked slowly down the stream for twenty yards, \
splashed across it, and walked slowly back on the other side.  Then he \
looked at himself again. \
	"As I thought," he said, "no better from *____this* side.  But nobody \
minds.  Nobody cares.  Pathetic, that\'s what it is. \
		-- A.A. Milne, "Winnie the Pooh," Chapter VI, "In Which Eeyore \
		   Has a Birthday and Gets Two Presents" \
',' \
Elevators smell different to midgets. \
',' \
Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. \
',' \
Enjoy yourself while you\'re still old. \
',' \
Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. \
		-- Onasander \
',' \
Etiquette is for those with no breeding; fashion for those with no taste. \
',' \
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. \
',' \
Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. \
		-- Menander \
',' \
Even if you persuade me, you won\'t persuade me. \
		-- Aristophanes \
',' \
Even if you\'re on the right track, you\'ll get run over if you just sit there. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. \
',' \
	Everthing is farther away than it used to be.  It is even twice as \
far to the corner and they have added a hill.  I have given up running for \
the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. \
	It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old \
days.  And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? \
	There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everbody \
speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. \
	The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips \
and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one\'s shoelaces.  And the \
sizes don\'t run the way they used to.  The 12\'s and 14\'s are so much smaller. \
	Even people are changing.  They are so much younger than they used to \
be when I was their age.  On  the other hand people my age are so much older \
than I am. \
	I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much \
that she didn\'t recognize me. \
	I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair \
this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection.  Really now, \
they don\'t even make good mirrors like they used to. \
		Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" \
',' \
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. \
		-- Frank Moore Colby \
',' \
Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, \
or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. \
Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk \
only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other \
subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his \
own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured \
by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to \
philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted, \
but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find \
in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. \
		-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 \
',' \
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. \
		-- Miguel de Cervantes \
',' \
Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits \
of the world. \
		-- Schopenhauer \
',' \
Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin\'s theory. \
',' \
Everybody has something to conceal. \
		-- Humphrey Bogart \
',' \
Everybody is somebody else\'s weirdo. \
		-- Dykstra \
',' \
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. \
',' \
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement. \
',' \
Everyone hates me because I\'m paranoid. \
',' \
Everyone is a genius.  It\'s just that some people are too stupid to realize it. \
',' \
Everyone is entitled to my opinion. \
',' \
Everyone is more or less mad on one point. \
		-- Rudyard Kipling \
',' \
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. \
',' \
Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes to get them. \
		-- Dirty Harry \
',' \
Everyone was born right-handed.  Only the greatest overcome it. \
',' \
Everyone\'s in a high place when you\'re on your knees. \
',' \
Evil is that which one believes of others.  It is a sin to believe evil \
of others, but it is seldom a mistake. \
		-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
Example is not the main thing in influencing others.  It is the only thing. \
		-- Albert Schweitzer \
',' \
	Excellence is THE trend of the \'80s.  Walk into any shopping \
mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as \
"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you\'ll see a half-dozen books telling you \
how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", \
"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night \
So the Cleaning Personnel Don\'t Steal It", etc. \
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" \
',' \
Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from \
acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. \
		-- W. Somerset Maugham \
',' \
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, \
and just before you realize what is wrong with it. \
',' \
Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens \
to you. \
		-- Aldous Huxley \
',' \
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake \
when you make it again. \
		-- Franklin P. Jones \
',' \
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. \
',' \
Experience is what you get when you didn\'t get what you wanted. \
',' \
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. \
',' \
Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, \
particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. \
		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" \
',' \
Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. \
',' \
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it \
every six months. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. \
		-- Victor Hugo \
',' \
Fess:	Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about \
	a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. \
Rod:	Oh yeah, it\'s a million yuks, sure.  But after all, isn\'t that the \
	basic difference between robots and humans? \
Fess:	What, the ability to form imaginary constructs? \
Rod:	No, the ability to get hung up on them. \
		-- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself" \
',' \
Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. \
		-- Josh Billings \
',' \
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be \
always old-fashioned. \
',' \
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. \
		-- Harrison \
',' \
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. \
		-- R. Clopton \
',' \
For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. \
		-- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) \
',' \
	"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence \
of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." \
	"Whose?" \
	"MINE! HA-HA!" \
',' \
For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: \
and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. \
		-- Sir Thomas More \
',' \
For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to \
get themselves filed. \
		-- Clifton Fadiman \
',' \
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like. \
',' \
For perfect happiness, remember two things: \
	(1) Be content with what you\'ve got. \
	(2) Be sure you\'ve got plenty. \
',' \
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. \
		-- Abraham Lincoln \
',' \
"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but \
phone calls taper off." \
		-- Johnny Carson \
',' \
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2 \
 \
	If at first you don\'t succeed, think how many people \
	you\'ve made happy. \
',' \
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 \
 \
	Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? \
	No, I guess not. \
',' \
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 \
 \
	"But, soft!  What light through yonder window breaks?" \
	It\'s nothing, honey.  Go back to sleep. \
',' \
Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on tombstones, women \
and competitors. \
		-- Lord Thomas Dewar \
',' \
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. \
		-- Thomas Jones \
',' \
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority \
over the other. \
		-- Honore DeBalzac \
',' \
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. \
',' \
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. \
		-- Elbert Hubbard \
',' \
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. \
',' \
Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. \
',' \
Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. \
		-- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides \
',' \
Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, but quickly to their \
misfortunes. \
		-- Chilo \
',' \
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. \
',' \
God must love the common man; He made so many of them. \
',' \
Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. \
',' \
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad \
example. \
		-- La Rouchefoucauld \
',' \
Good judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgement. \
		-- Jim Horning \
',' \
Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. \
		-- Joseph Alsop \
',' \
Great minds run in great circles. \
',' \
Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. \
',' \
Growing old isn\'t bad when you consider the alternatives. \
		-- Maurice Chevalier \
',' \
Half of being smart is knowing what you\'re dumb at. \
',' \
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can\'t, \
and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. \
',' \
Hate is like acid.  It can damage the vessel in which it is stored as well \
as destroy the object on which it is poured. \
',' \
Hate the sin and love the sinner. \
		-- Mahatma Gandhi \
',' \
Have no friends not equal to yourself. \
		-- Confucius \
',' \
Having no talent is no longer enough. \
		-- Gore Vidal \
',' \
He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation perfectly \
delightful. \
		-- Sydney Smith \
',' \
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy \
presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever \
behaving "normally." \
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing \'72" \
',' \
He hadn\'t a single redeeming vice. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. \
		-- John LeCarre  \
',' \
He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words. \
',' \
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. \
		-- Samuel Johnson \
',' \
He laughs at every joke three times... once when it\'s told, once when \
it\'s explained, and once when he understands it. \
',' \
He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn\'t ordered. \
		-- Ring Lardner \
',' \
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. \
		-- Andrew Lang \
',' \
He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn\'t realize his brain \
had fallen to the ground. \
		-- The Book of Serenity \
',' \
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. \
',' \
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. \
',' \
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. \
',' \
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. \
',' \
He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. \
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche \
',' \
He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. \
',' \
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. \
',' \
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. \
',' \
He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon. \
',' \
He who minds his own business is never unemployed. \
',' \
He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. \
		-- Sinbad \
',' \
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. \
		-- M.C. Escher \
',' \
He\'s the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he\'d \
be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. \
',' \
"He\'s the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." \
',' \
Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without getting \
on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering her ways; \
wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or regularity; dissatisfied \
with her servants, without skill to make them better, and whether helping, or \
reprimanding, or indulging them, without any power of engaging their respect. \
		-- J. Austen \
',' \
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don\'t know what I want to be when \
I grow up. \
		-- Peter Drucker \
',' \
Hi!  I\'m Larry.  This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother \
Jimbo.  We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants. \
',' \
Higgins:	Doolittle, you\'re either an honest man or a rogue. \
Doolittle:	A little of both, Guv\'nor.  Like the rest of us, a \
		little of both. \
		-- Shaw, "Pygmalion" \
',' \
Hindsight is always 20:20. \
		-- Billy Wilder \
',' \
Hindsight is an exact science. \
',' \
His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. \
',' \
His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice. \
		-- Foghorn Leghorn \
',' \
History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second \
time as bedroom farce. \
',' \
History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. \
',' \
History repeats itself.  That\'s one thing wrong with history. \
',' \
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in. \
		-- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man" \
',' \
Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is \
to a cockatoo. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. \
		-- Francis Bacon \
',' \
Hope is a waking dream. \
		-- Aristotle \
',' \
Hope not, lest ye be disappointed. \
		-- M. Horner \
',' \
How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards in reasoning, \
and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? \
		-- A. Cooper \
',' \
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you\'re on. \
',' \
How many "coming men" has one known!  Where on earth do they all go to? \
		-- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero \
',' \
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional \
manner ... sulking and nausea. \
		-- Tom K. Ryan \
',' \
Human kind cannot bear very much reality. \
		-- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" \
',' \
Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,  \
responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and  \
immature. \
		-- Tom Robbins \
',' \
Humans are communications junkies.  We just can\'t get enough. \
		-- Alan Kay \
',' \
Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. \
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes \
',' \
I allow the world to live as it chooses, and I allow myself to live as I \
choose. \
',' \
I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their \
good intellects.  Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. \
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" \
',' \
I always pass on good advice.  It is the only thing to do with it. \
It is never any good to oneself. \
		-- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband" \
',' \
I always say beauty is only sin deep. \
		-- Saki, "Reginald\'s Choir Treat" \
',' \
I am an optimist.  It does not seem too much use being anything else. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
I am firm.  You are obstinate.  He is a pig-headed fool. \
		-- Katharine Whitehorn \
',' \
I am looking for a honest man. \
		-- Diogenes the Cynic \
',' \
"I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the \
great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. \
		-- G.K. Chesterton \
',' \
I call them as I see them.  If I can\'t see them, I make them up. \
		-- Biff Barf \
',' \
I can give you my word, but I know what it\'s worth and you don\'t. \
		-- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" \
',' \
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write \
faster than anybody who can write better. \
		-- A.J. Liebling \
',' \
I can\'t seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I\'ll be toddling along." \
It isn\'t that I can\'t toddle.  It\'s that I can\'t guess I\'ll toddle. \
		-- Robert Benchley \
',' \
I can\'t stand squealers; hit that guy. \
		-- Albert Anastasia \
',' \
I can\'t understand it.  I can\'t even understand the people who can \
understand it. \
		-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. \
',' \
I can\'t understand why people are frightened of new ideas.  I\'m frightened \
of the old ones. \
		-- John Cage \
',' \
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year\'s fashions. \
		-- Lillian Hellman \
',' \
I consider the day misspent that I am not either charged with a crime, \
or arrested for one. \
		-- "Ratsy" Tourbillon \
',' \
I didn\'t get sophisticated -- I just got tired.  But maybe that\'s what \
sophisticated is -- being tired. \
		-- Rita Gain \
',' \
"I didn\'t know it was impossible when I did it." \
',' \
I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to \
tell such LIES! \
',' \
I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. \
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe \
',' \
I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, \
any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted.  Mythology \
comes nearest to it of any. \
		-- Henry David Thoreau \
',' \
	"I don\'t know what you mean by \'glory\'," Alice said. \
	Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don\'t -- \
till I tell you.  I meant \'there\'s a nice knock-down argument for you!\'" \
	"But glory doesn\'t mean \'a nice knock-down argument\'," Alice \
objected. \
	"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful \
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." \
	"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean \
so many different things." \
	"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- \
that\'s all." \
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" \
',' \
I don\'t know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know \
what his grandson will be. \
		-- Abraham Lincoln \
',' \
I don\'t know why we\'re here, I say we all go home and free associate. \
',' \
I don\'t make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. \
		-- Cash McCall \
',' \
I don\'t mind arguing with myself.  It\'s when I lose that it bothers me. \
		-- Richard Powers \
',' \
I don\'t remember it, but I have it written down. \
',' \
"I don\'t think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the other \
hand, if he were already in, I don\'t think they\'d let him out." \
',' \
"I don\'t understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down \
to the sea and drown yourselves." \
 \
"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don\'t understand is why \
you human beings don\'t." \
		-- James Thurber \
',' \
I don\'t want to bore you, but there\'s nobody else around for me to bore. \
',' \
I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. \
',' \
I generally avoid temptation unless I can\'t resist it. \
		-- Mae West \
',' \
I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? \
		-- Beauregard Bugleboy \
',' \
I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. \
		-- Butch Cassidy \
',' \
I guess I\'ve been wrong all my life, but so have billions of other people... \
Certainty is just an emotion. \
		-- Hal Clement \
',' \
I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know \
how bad I am. \
		-- Samuel Johnson \
',' \
I hate small towns because once you\'ve seen the cannon in the park \
there\'s nothing else to do. \
		-- Lenny Bruce \
',' \
I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man\'s being unable \
to sit still in a room. \
		-- Blaise Pascal \
',' \
I have found little that is good about human beings.  In my experience \
most of them are trash. \
		-- Sigmund Freud \
',' \
I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. \
		-- Edgar Allan Poe \
',' \
I have learned silence from the talkative, \
toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. \
		-- Kahlil Gibran \
',' \
I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming \
that I have never made one. \
		-- James Gordon Bennett \
',' \
I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his \
own eyes.  What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks \
of himself.  To undermine a man\'s self-respect is a sin. \
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery \
',' \
I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn\'t need a gun, you\'d better \
take one along that worked. \
		-- Raymond Chandler \
',' \
I love mankind ... It\'s people I hate. \
		-- Schulz \
',' \
	I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments \
of others, and all positive assertion of my own.  I even forbade myself the use \
of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such \
as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc.   I adopted instead of them "I conceive", \
"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me \
at present". \
	When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied \
myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him \
immediately some absurdity in his proposition.  In answering I began by \
observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, \
but in the present case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc. \
	I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the \
conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly.  The modest way in which I \
proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. \
I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily \
prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I \
happened to be in the right. \
		-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin \
',' \
"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don\'t \
let appearances fool you.  I\'m approaching old age ... at the speed of light." \
		-- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk \
',' \
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! \
',' \
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. \
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant \
',' \
I never killed a man that didn\'t deserve it. \
		-- Mickey Cohen \
',' \
I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. \
		-- Alexandre Dumas, fils \
',' \
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. \
		-- William F. Buckley \
',' \
I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of \
tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for:  If \
they think you\'re crude, go technical; if they think you\'re technical, go \
crude.  I\'m a very technical boy.  So I decided to get as crude as possible. \
These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even \
aspire to crudeness. \
		-- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic" \
',' \
"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was \
supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually \
made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning \
		   Points in l\'Amour" \
',' \
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
I think I\'m schizophrenic.  One half of me\'s paranoid and the other half\'s \
out to get him. \
',' \
I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce \
desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of \
the quest. \
		-- Madeleine Gobeil \
',' \
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in \
my body.  Then I realized who was telling me this. \
		-- Emo Phillips \
',' \
I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. \
',' \
I will follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it if I can \
help it. \
		-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne \
',' \
I\'ll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I\'d \
listen to it! \
		-- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire \
',' \
I\'ll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart\'s \
in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ. \
		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up" \
',' \
I\'ll pretend to trust you if you\'ll pretend to trust me. \
',' \
I\'m not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn\'t \
that good. \
		-- Amy Gorin \
',' \
"I\'m really enjoying not talking to you ... Let\'s not talk again ____REAL \
soon ..." \
',' \
I\'m so miserable without you, it\'s almost like you\'re here. \
',' \
I\'m sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you. \
',' \
I\'m sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. \
',' \
I\'m successful because I\'m lucky.   The harder I work, the luckier I get. \
',' \
I\'ve already told you more than I know. \
',' \
I\'ve found my niche.  If you\'re wondering why I\'m not there, there was \
this little hole in the bottom ... \
		-- John Croll \
',' \
I\'ve given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. \
',' \
I\'ve known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes \
on the same day. \
',' \
"I\'ve seen, I SAY, I\'ve seen better heads on a mug of beer" \
		-- Senator Claghorn \
',' \
Ideas don\'t stay in some minds very long because they don\'t like \
solitary confinement. \
',' \
If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. \
		-- Thomas Wolfe \
',' \
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. \
',' \
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. \
',' \
If God had really intended men to fly, he\'d make it easier to get to the \
airport. \
		-- George Winters \
',' \
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands. \
',' \
If God hadn\'t wanted you to be paranoid, He wouldn\'t have given you such \
a vivid imagination. \
',' \
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? \
		-- Marvin Kitman \
',' \
If he should ever change his faith, it\'ll be because he no longer thinks \
he\'s God. \
',' \
If I\'m over the hill, why is it I don\'t recall ever being on top? \
		-- Jerry Muscha \
',' \
If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. \
		-- Mary Wilson Little \
',' \
If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. \
		-- A. Einstein. \
',' \
If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. \
		-- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use \
		of the Young" \
',' \
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. \
',' \
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without \
having to accomplish anything. \
',' \
If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. \
',' \
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. \
',' \
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, \
then we are a sorry lot indeed. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
If people see that you mean them no harm, they\'ll never hurt you, nine \
times out of ten! \
',' \
If practice makes perfect, and nobody\'s perfect, why practice? \
',' \
If some people didn\'t tell you, you\'d never know they\'d been away on vacation. \
',' \
If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won\'t. \
',' \
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If \
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the \
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will \
exceed all expectations. \
		-- Reverend Chichester \
',' \
If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. \
		-- Edward A. Murphy Jr. \
',' \
If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word. \
',' \
If things don\'t improve soon, you\'d better ask them to stop helping you. \
',' \
"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn\'t keep losing our luggage." \
',' \
If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us with alarm clocks. \
',' \
If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? \
		-- Ann Edwards-Duff \
',' \
If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, your honesty is corrupt. \
',' \
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then \
you clearly don\'t understand the situation. \
',' \
If you can\'t say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. \
		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth \
',' \
If you cannot in the long run tell everyone what you have been doing, \
your doing was worthless. \
		-- Edwim Schrodinger \
',' \
If you continually give you will continually have. \
',' \
If you didn\'t get caught, did you really do it? \
',' \
If you didn\'t have most of your friends, you wouldn\'t have most of \
your problems. \
',' \
If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about \
it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. \
		-- Carlyle \
',' \
If you don\'t care where you are, then you ain\'t lost. \
',' \
If you don\'t do it, you\'ll never know what would have happened if you \
had done it. \
',' \
If you don\'t do the things that are not worth doing, who will? \
',' \
If you don\'t go to other men\'s funerals they won\'t go to yours. \
		-- Clarence Day \
',' \
If you don\'t have a nasty obituary you probably didn\'t matter. \
		-- Freeman Dyson \
',' \
If you don\'t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk! \
',' \
If you don\'t say anything, you won\'t be called on to repeat it. \
		-- Calvin Coolidge \
',' \
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. \
',' \
If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed. \
',' \
If you float on instinct alone, how can you calculate the buoyancy for \
the computed load? \
		-- Christopher Hodder-Williams \
',' \
If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, so as not to disturb those \
around you. \
',' \
If you had any brains, you\'d be dangerous. \
',' \
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to \
boot yourself in the posterior. \
		-- A.J. Liebling, "The Press" \
',' \
If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of \
rubbish into it. \
		-- William Orton \
',' \
If you lived today as if it were your last, you\'d buy up a box of rockets \
and fire them all off, wouldn\'t you? \
		-- Garrison Keillor \
',' \
If you look good and dress well, you don\'t need a purpose in life. \
		-- Robert Pante, fashion consultant \
',' \
If you make people think they\'re thinking, they\'ll love you; but if you \
really make them think they\'ll hate you. \
',' \
If you mess with a thing long enough, it\'ll break. \
		-- Schmidt \
',' \
If you notice that a person is deceiving you, they must not be \
deceiving you very well. \
',' \
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have \
schizophrenia. \
		-- Thomas Szasz \
',' \
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. \
',' \
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we\'ve solved it. \
		-- Arthur Kasspe \
',' \
If you think things can\'t get worse it\'s probably only because you \
lack sufficient imagination. \
',' \
If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. \
',' \
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. \
',' \
If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that \
fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and \
heartbeats. \
',' \
If you would understand your own age, read the works of fiction produced \
in it.  People in disguise speak freely. \
',' \
If you\'re careful enough, nothing bad or good will ever happen to you. \
',' \
If you\'re constantly being mistreated, you\'re cooperating with the treatment. \
',' \
If you\'re going to do something tonight that you\'ll be sorry for tomorrow \
morning, sleep late. \
		-- Henny Youngman \
',' \
If you\'re happy, you\'re successful. \
',' \
If you\'re not very clever you should be conciliatory. \
		-- Benjamin Disraeli \
',' \
In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker know the truth of \
the matter about which he is to speak? \
		-- Plato \
',' \
In matters of principle, stand like a rock; \
in matters of taste, swim with the current. \
		-- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present. \
',' \
In success there\'s a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. \
		-- Alan Kay \
',' \
In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not displeasing \
to us. \
		-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" \
',' \
In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.  So, I may \
as well be me.  Then I know if someone likes me, they like me. \
',' \
In this world there are only two tragedies.  One is not getting what one \
wants, and the other is getting it. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself. \
		-- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect" \
',' \
Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. \
',' \
Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing -- \
it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up. \
		-- Bernard Cooke \
',' \
It destroys one\'s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. \
		-- Benjamin Disraeli \
',' \
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something \
from the floor while you get up. \
',' \
It doesn\'t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you\'ve \
done and what you\'re going to do. \
',' \
It has been observed that one\'s nose is never so happy as when it is \
thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have \
drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life I have \
been searching for evidence which could support this. \
		-- Bertrand Russell \
',' \
It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it \
now and then. \
		-- Richard Armour \
',' \
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, \
you are an exceptionally good liar. \
		-- Jerome K. Jerome \
',' \
It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. \
',' \
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be  \
coming up it. \
		-- Henry Allen \
',' \
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. \
',' \
It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. \
		-- George Santayana \
',' \
It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. \
		-- Aeschylus \
',' \
It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he \
holds back one who is hastening.  Rather one should befriend the guest who \
is there, but speed him when he wishes. \
		-- Homer, "The Odyssey" \
  \
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when \
	 referring to scheduling.] \
',' \
It is exactly because a man cannot do a thing that he is a proper judge of it. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without \
your help. \
		-- Miss Manners \
',' \
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because \
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. \
		-- Dolph Sharp, "I\'m O.K., You\'re Not So Hot" \
',' \
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. \
',' \
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. \
',' \
It is indeed desirable to be well descended, but the glory belongs to \
our ancestors. \
		-- Plutarch \
',' \
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. \
		-- Benjamin Disraeli \
',' \
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well. \
		-- Rene Descartes \
',' \
It is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the \
management of them. \
		-- La Rochefoucauld \
',' \
It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, \
and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. \
		-- Proverbs 19:2 \
',' \
It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. \
		-- Grace Murray Hopper \
',' \
It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. \
		-- Cervantes \
',' \
It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity. \
',' \
It is only the great men who are truly obscene.  If they had not dared \
to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. \
		-- Havelock Ellis \
',' \
It is the business of little minds to shrink. \
		-- Carl Sandburg \
',' \
It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will set an house on fire, \
and it were but to roast their eggs. \
		-- Francis Bacon \
',' \
It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. \
		-- Francis Bacon \
',' \
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. \
',' \
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether II win or lose. \
		-- Darrin Weinberg \
',' \
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn\'t too \
good either if you speak when your head is empty. \
',' \
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a \
warning to others. \
',' \
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. \
',' \
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.  The good ones slept \
better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. \
		-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" \
',' \
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. \
',' \
It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face. \
',' \
It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. \
		-- Crazy Charlie \
',' \
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. \
',' \
It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you \
did it wrong. \
		-- H.W. Longfellow \
',' \
It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. \
',' \
It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature \
and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant examples. \
		-- Charles Dickens \
',' \
It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything. \
',' \
It\'s amazing how many people you could be friends with if only they\'d \
make the first approach. \
',' \
It\'s amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. \
',' \
It\'s amazing how nice people are to you when they know you\'re going away. \
		-- Michael Arlen \
',' \
It\'s bad enough that life is a rat-race, but why do the rats always have to win? \
',' \
It\'s better to be quotable than to be honest. \
		-- Tom Stoppard \
',' \
It\'s better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. \
		-- Marty Winch \
',' \
It\'s easier to fight for one\'s principles than to live up to them. \
',' \
It\'s easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being  \
right. \
',' \
It\'s hard not to like a man of many qualities, even if most of them are bad. \
',' \
It\'s hard to be humble when you\'re perfect. \
',' \
It\'s hard to keep your shirt on when you\'re getting something off your chest. \
',' \
It\'s interesting to think that many quite distinguished people have \
bodies similar to yours. \
',' \
It\'s only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain \
what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. \
		-- Roger Noe \
',' \
It\'s reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, society will \
take full responsibility for you. \
',' \
It\'s sweet to be remembered, but it\'s often cheaper to be forgotten. \
',' \
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. \
',' \
Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn\'t mean he isn\'t going \
to get hit. \
		-- Joey \
',' \
Just because you\'re paranoid doesn\'t mean they AREN\'T after you. \
',' \
"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some \
of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" \
		-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US \
',' \
Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt of all the others, and then \
do what\'s best. \
		-- Lovers and Other Strangers \
',' \
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!! \
',' \
Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! \
		-- Michael J. Wagner \
',' \
Keep cool, but don\'t freeze. \
		-- Hellman\'s Mayonnaise \
',' \
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; \
Open it and you remove all doubt. \
',' \
Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. \
',' \
Lack of money is the root of all evil. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
Largest Number of Driving Test Failures \
	By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine \
times.  In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and \
twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300.  She set the new record while \
driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield, \
Yorkshire.  Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August \
1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was \
reported as saying that she still didn\'t like doing right-hand turns. \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
Last guys don\'t finish nice. \
		-- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs \
',' \
Laughter is the closest distance between two people. \
		-- Victor Borge \
',' \
Learn from other people\'s mistakes, you don\'t have time to make your own. \
',' \
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. \
		-- Publilius Syrus \
',' \
Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them. \
		-- James Thurber \
',' \
Let\'s do it. \
		-- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad \
',' \
Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to \
change his bed. \
		-- Charles Baudelaire \
',' \
Life is a series of rude awakenings. \
		-- R.V. Winkle \
',' \
Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, humane person would \
wantonly inflict on someone else. \
		-- Clarence Darrow \
',' \
Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others. \
',' \
Life is like bein\' on a mule team.  Unless you\'re the lead mule, all the \
scenery looks about the same. \
',' \
"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it \
weren\'t for other people" \
		-- Blore \
',' \
Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. \
It doesn\'t seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches \
over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow \
His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that.  On the \
other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their \
religions. \
		-- Benjamin Spock \
',' \
	Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode \
into the saloon.  As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man \
galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike\'s comin\'!  Run fer yer lives!" \
	Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open.  An enormous man, standing over \
eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a \
rattlesnake for a whip.  Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over \
the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" \
	The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man \
guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar.  He then stood aghast as \
the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and \
smacked his lips with relish. \
	"Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. \
	"Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted.  "Big Mike\'s \
a-comin\'." \
',' \
Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. \
		-- Charles D\'Hericault \
',' \
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. \
		-- Louise Beal \
',' \
Love your enemies: they\'ll go crazy trying to figure out what you\'re up to. \
',' \
Love your neighbour, yet don\'t pull down your hedge. \
		-- Benjamin Franklin \
',' \
Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. \
		-- Bergan Evans \
',' \
Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men\'s blood. \
		-- Daniel Hudson Burnham \
',' \
Man belongs wherever he wants to go. \
		-- Wernher von Braun \
',' \
Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. \
		-- Fred Allen \
',' \
Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments. \
',' \
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. \
		-- Lily Tomlin \
',' \
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon \
to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the \
victims he intends to eat until he eats them. \
		-- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) \
',' \
Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal \
that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they \
ought to be. \
		-- William Hazlitt \
',' \
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it \
is an enemy. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
Man\'s horizons are bounded by his vision. \
',' \
Man\'s unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual conflict between \
the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. \
		-- Sydney J. Harris \
',' \
Many a family tree needs trimming. \
',' \
Many a man that can\'t direct you to a corner drugstore will get a respectful \
hearing when age has further impaired his mind. \
		-- Finley Peter Dunne \
',' \
Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured.  For instance, \
the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their \
fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the \
Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally \
read.  [...]  The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time \
by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute.  They \
are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers \
successively.  The counting is reserved for the fidgets.  These observations \
should be confined to persons of middle age.  Children are rarely still, \
while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether. \
		-- Francis Galton, 1909 \
',' \
Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice which will \
recommend that they do what they want to do. \
',' \
Many people are secretly interested in life. \
',' \
Many people feel that if you won\'t let them make you happy, they\'ll make you \
suffer. \
',' \
Many people feel that they deserve some kind of recognition for all the \
bad things they haven\'t done. \
',' \
Many people resent being treated like the person they really are. \
',' \
Many receive advice, few profit by it. \
		-- Publilius Syrus \
',' \
\'Martyrdom\' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
May those that love us love us; and those that don\'t love us, may \
God turn their hearts; and if he doesn\'t turn their hearts, may \
he turn their ankles so we\'ll know them by their limping. \
',' \
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. \
',' \
Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the \
earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes." \
',' \
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. \
',' \
Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our \
pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs \
and tears.  ...  It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, \
inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us \
sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness \
and acts that are contrary to habit... \
		-- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease" \
',' \
Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, and speech only to \
conceal their thoughts. \
		-- Voltaire \
',' \
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a \
rainy Sunday afternoon. \
		-- Susan Ertz \
',' \
Mind your own business, then you don\'t mind mine. \
',' \
Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; it\'s lovely to be silly \
at the right moment. \
		-- Horace \
',' \
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. \
',' \
Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. \
		-- J.K. Galbraith \
',' \
More are taken in by hope than by cunning. \
		-- Vauvenargues \
',' \
More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. \
		-- R.S. Surtees \
',' \
Most of our lives are about proving something, either to ourselves or to \
someone else. \
',' \
Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking difficulties \
before we get to them. \
		-- Dr. Frank Crane \
',' \
Most of your faults are not your fault. \
',' \
Most people are too busy to have time for anything important. \
',' \
Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and \
they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment \
to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. \
		-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries. \
',' \
Most people can\'t understand how others can blow their noses differently \
than they do. \
		-- Turgenev \
',' \
Most people deserve each other. \
		-- Shirley \
',' \
Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. \
',' \
Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained \
only by the disinclination of others to listen.  Reserve is an artificial \
quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs. \
		-- W.S. Maugham \
',' \
Most people have a mind that\'s open by appointment only. \
',' \
Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- a good reason, and \
the real reason. \
',' \
Most people in this society who aren\'t actively mad are, at best, \
reformed or potential lunatics. \
		-- Susan Sontag \
',' \
Most people need some of their problems to help take their mind off \
some of the others. \
',' \
Most people prefer certainty to truth. \
',' \
Mother told me to be good but she\'s been wrong before. \
',' \
Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot \
talk about after dinner. \
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" \
',' \
My brain is my second favorite organ. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say. \
And then say it with the utmost levity. \
		-- G.B. Shaw \
',' \
My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly \
with my legs. \
		-- Woody Allen, on Epistemology \
',' \
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. \
',' \
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people\'s. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
My philosophy is: Don\'t think. \
		-- Charles Manson \
',' \
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man\'s \
character, give him power. \
		-- Abraham Lincoln \
',' \
Needs are a function of what other people have. \
',' \
Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so. \
',' \
Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. \
',' \
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. \
',' \
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. \
',' \
Never explain.  Your friends do not need it and your enemies will never \
believe you anyway. \
		-- Elbert Hubbard \
',' \
Never face facts; if you do you\'ll never get up in the morning. \
		-- Marlo Thomas \
',' \
Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. \
',' \
Never frighten a small man -- he\'ll kill you. \
',' \
Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose. \
',' \
Never insult an alligator until you\'ve crossed the river. \
',' \
Never kick a man, unless he\'s down. \
',' \
Never leave anything to chance; make sure all your crimes are premeditated. \
',' \
Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt. \
',' \
Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on \
that subject. \
		-- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand \
',' \
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. \
',' \
Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg. \
',' \
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. \
',' \
Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you\'re absolutely sure they\'ll \
never find out the truth. \
',' \
Nezvannyi gost\'--khuzhe tatarina. \
	[An uninvited guest is worse than the Mongol invasion] \
		-- Russian proverb \
',' \
Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. \
		-- Foghorn Leghorn \
',' \
No character, however upright, is a match for constantly reiterated attacks, \
however false. \
		-- Alexander Hamilton \
',' \
No guest is so welcome in a friend\'s house that he will not become a \
nuisance after three days. \
		-- Titus Maccius Plautus \
',' \
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. \
',' \
No man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable. \
		-- Robert Louis Stevenson \
',' \
No man would listen to you talk if he didn\'t know it was his turn next. \
		-- E.W. Howe \
',' \
No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. \
',' \
No one becomes depraved in a moment. \
		-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis \
',' \
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he\'s a \
dirty little beast. \
		-- W.S. Gilbert \
',' \
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. \
		-- Eleanor Roosevelt \
',' \
No one can put you down without your full cooperation. \
',' \
"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid." \
',' \
No one knows what he can do till he tries. \
		-- Publilius Syrus \
',' \
No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. \
		-- Quintus Ennius \
',' \
No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the \
one who\'s giving it. \
		-- Hal Chadwick \
',' \
No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. \
',' \
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. \
',' \
No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth. \
		-- Quintus Ennius \
',' \
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. \
',' \
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. \
		-- Kin Hubbard \
',' \
Nobody is one block of harmony.  We are all afraid of something, or feel \
limited in something.  We all need somebody to talk to.  It would be good \
if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk.  We \
shouldn\'t be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; \
that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too. \
It\'s so much easier to be together when we drop our masks. \
		-- Liv Ullman \
',' \
Nobody knows the trouble I\'ve been. \
',' \
Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears. \
		-- Roy Harper \
',' \
Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It\'s all we can do to put up with \
constructive praise. \
',' \
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. \
Conscience makes egotists of us all. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at \
which the hearer is permitted to laugh. \
		-- Quentin Crisp \
',' \
O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will \
never change our minds. \
',' \
Objects are lost only because people look where they are not rather than \
where they are. \
',' \
Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal. \
',' \
Oh this age!  How tasteless and ill-bred it is. \
		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus \
',' \
Oh wearisome condition of humanity! \
Born under one law, to another bound. \
		-- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke \
',' \
"Oh, yes.  The important thing about having lots of things to  remember is \
that you\'ve got to go somewhere afterwards where you can remember them, you \
see?  You\'ve got to stop.  You haven\'t really been anywhere until you\'ve got \
back home.  I think that\'s what I mean." \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" \
',' \
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill. \
',' \
Old age is always fifteen years old than I am. \
		-- B. Baruch \
',' \
Old age is the harbor of all ills. \
		-- Bion \
',' \
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. \
		-- Trotsky \
',' \
Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. \
',' \
Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their \
inability to set a bad example. \
		-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" \
',' \
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are \
created jerks. \
		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" \
',' \
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody\'s \
listening. \
		-- Franklin P. Jones \
',' \
One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. \
		-- Helen Keller \
',' \
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. \
',' \
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. \
Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, \
a rivalry of aim. \
		-- Henry Brook Adams \
',' \
One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. \
		-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) \
',' \
One is often kept in the right road by a rut. \
		-- Gustave Droz \
',' \
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. \
',' \
One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends \
can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. \
		-- Clifton Fadiman \
',' \
One nice thing about egotists: they don\'t talk about other people. \
',' \
One of the large consolations for experiencing anything unpleasant is \
the knowledge that one can communicate it. \
		-- Joyce Carol Oates \
',' \
One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with \
Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just \
to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn\'t \
be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending \
to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn\'t \
understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid.  He was \
reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the \
time, which obviously worried him, hence the act.  He preferred people to be \
puzzled rather than contemptuous.  This above all appeared to Trillian to be \
genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. \
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy" \
',' \
One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they \
need no answer. \
		-- George Gordon, Lord Byron \
',' \
One of the worst of my many faults is that I\'m too critical of myself. \
',' \
One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, \
because they bite. \
		-- Vladimir Il\'ich Lenin \
',' \
Only a fool has no doubts. \
',' \
Only a mediocre person is always at his best. \
		-- Laurence Peter \
',' \
Only fools are quoted. \
		-- Anonymous \
',' \
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right \
to use the editorial "we". \
		-- Mark Twain \
',' \
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an \
elephant. \
',' \
Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core. \
		-- Hannah Arendt \
',' \
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is \
paranoid and the other one is out to get him. \
',' \
Optimism is the content of small men in high places. \
		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" \
',' \
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born \
to people you could not have possibly met. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" \
',' \
Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently. \
',' \
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. \
',' \
Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. \
		-- Immanuel Kant \
',' \
Paranoia doesn\'t mean the whole world isn\'t out to get you. \
',' \
Paranoia is heightened awareness. \
',' \
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. \
',' \
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. \
',' \
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It\'s easy \
to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you\'d be paranoid too. \
		-- D.J. Hicks \
',' \
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. \
		-- Eric Hoffer \
',' \
Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers \
',' \
Pelorat sighed. \
	"I will never understand people." \
	"There\'s nothing to it.  All you have to do is take a close look \
at yourself and you will understand everyone else.  How would Seldon have \
worked out his Plan -- and I don\'t care how subtle his mathematics was -- \
if he didn\'t understand people; and how could he have done that if people \
weren\'t easy to understand?  You show me someone who can\'t understand \
people and I\'ll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself \
-- no offense intended." \
		-- Asimov, "Foundation\'s Edge" \
',' \
People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of \
attention) have often been likened to snowflakes.  This analogy is meant to \
suggest that each is unique -- no two alike.  This is quite patently not the \
case.  People ... are simply a dime a dozen.  And, I hasten to add, their \
only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable \
tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" \
',' \
People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry. \
',' \
People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. \
',' \
People don\'t change; they only become more so. \
',' \
People don\'t usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three \
times, four time, five times... \
',' \
People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. \
		-- The Best of Will Rogers \
',' \
People need good lies.  There are too many bad ones. \
		-- Bokonon, "Cat\'s Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. \
',' \
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the \
future. \
',' \
People respond to people who respond. \
',' \
People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they \
*know* me there! \
		-- D.L. Roth \
',' \
People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people \
have been left out on the pleasure. \
		-- Russell Baker \
',' \
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. \
',' \
People who claim they don\'t let little things bother them have never \
slept in a room with a single mosquito. \
',' \
People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. \
		-- Abigail Van Buren \
',' \
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking \
advantage of them. \
',' \
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven\'t \
what they want that they don\'t want it. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything. \
',' \
People who push both buttons should get their wish. \
',' \
People who take cat naps don\'t usually sleep in a cat\'s cradle. \
',' \
People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have cold baths. \
',' \
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do. \
',' \
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin \
Franklin said it first. \
',' \
People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they \
did yesterday. \
',' \
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. \
',' \
Perhaps the world\'s second worst crime is boredom.  The first is being a bore. \
		-- Cecil Beaton \
',' \
Personifiers of the world, unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! \
		-- Bernadette Bosky \
',' \
Please don\'t put a strain on our friendship by asking me to do something \
for you. \
',' \
Please don\'t recommend me to your friends-- it\'s difficult enough to \
cope with you alone. \
',' \
Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, I sometimes forget which \
side I\'m on. \
',' \
Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking. \
		-- Mary Poppins \
',' \
Pretend to spank me -- I\'m a pseudo-masochist! \
',' \
Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their \
minds cannot change anything. \
		-- G.B. Shaw \
',' \
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion. \
',' \
Put your trust in those who are worthy. \
',' \
Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
"Quite frankly, I don\'t like you humans.  After what you all have done, \
I find being \'inhuman\' a compliment." \
		-- Spider Robinson, "Callahan\'s Secret" \
',' \
Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. \
',' \
Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven\'t the remotest \
knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. \
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest" \
',' \
... relaxed in the manner of a man who has no need to put up a front of \
any kind. \
		-- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy" \
',' \
Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. \
		-- Dave Butler \
',' \
Revenge is a form of nostalgia. \
',' \
Revenge is a meal best served cold. \
',' \
	"Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing \
what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt \
somebody else. He even told you he\'d be hurt if..." \
	"He was going to suck my blood!" \
	"Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we\'ll be hurt \
if they don\'t live our way." \
... \
	"The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that \
happens to be impossible.  The phrase is hurt somebody else.  We choose, \
ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what.  Us who decides. \
Nobody else.  My vampire told you he\'d be hurt if you didn\'t let him?  That\'s \
his decision to be hurt, that\'s his choice.  What you do about it is your \
decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake \
through his heart.  If he doesn\'t want the holly stake, he\'s free to resist, \
in whatever way he wants.  It goes on and on, choices, choices." \
	"When you look at it that way..." \
	"Listen," he said, "it\'s important.  We are all.  Free.  To do. \
Whatever.  We want.  To do." \
		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions" \
',' \
Rincewind looked down at him and grinned slowly.  It was a wide, manic, and \
utterly humourless rictus.  It was the sort of grin that is normally \
accompanied by small riverside birds wandering in and out, picking scraps \
out of the teeth. \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Lure of the Wyrm" \
',' \
Rudeness is a weak man\'s imitation of strength. \
',' \
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent. \
		-- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi" \
',' \
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line. \
',' \
Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. \
		-- Mark Harrold \
',' \
Say no, then negotiate. \
		-- Helga \
',' \
Say something you\'ll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. \
',' \
Scenery is here, wish you were beautiful. \
',' \
Schizophrenia beats being alone. \
',' \
Screw up your courage!  You\'ve screwed up everything else. \
',' \
"See - the thing is - I\'m an absolutist.  I mean, kind of ... in a way ..." \
',' \
Sentimentality -- that\'s what we call the sentiment we don\'t share. \
		-- Graham Greene \
',' \
Serenity through viciousness. \
',' \
Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a \
little kinder than is necessary? \
		-- J.M. Barrie \
',' \
Shame is an improper emotion invented by pietists to oppress the human race. \
		-- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria" \
',' \
She often gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it). \
		-- Lewis Carroll \
',' \
Short people get rained on last. \
',' \
Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. \
',' \
Sin boldly. \
		-- Martin Luther \
',' \
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. \
',' \
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.  All other "sins" are \
invented nonsense.  (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid). \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
Since we have to speak well of the dead, let\'s knock them while they\'re alive. \
		-- John Sloan \
',' \
Since we\'re all here, we must not be all there. \
		-- Bob "Mountain" Beck \
',' \
Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. \
',' \
So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far \
as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical \
way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. \
		-- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire \
',' \
So live that you wouldn\'t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the \
town gossip. \
',' \
Some don\'t prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. \
',' \
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men \
have mediocrity thrust upon them. \
		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" \
',' \
Some men are discovered; others are found out. \
',' \
Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear \
lest she should catch a cold on overexposure. \
		-- Samuel Butler \
',' \
Some of the things that live the longest in peoples\' memories never \
really happened. \
',' \
Some people around here wouldn\'t recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head. \
',' \
Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. \
',' \
Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have \
only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." \
',' \
Some people have parts that are so private they themselves have no \
knowledge of them. \
',' \
Some people\'s mouths work faster than their brains.  They say things they \
haven\'t even thought of yet. \
',' \
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. \
',' \
Someone will try to honk your nose today. \
',' \
Something better... \
 \
 1 (obvious): Excuse me.  Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? \
 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover.  She\'s going to blow. \
 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore  \
	something larger.  Like ... Wyoming. \
 4 (personal): Well, here we are.  Just the three of us. \
 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen.  Your nose was on time but you were fifteen \
	minutes late. \
 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you.  Gosh.  To be able to smell your \
	own ear. \
 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir.  Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn\'t \
	mind putting that thing away. \
 8 (philosophical): You know.  It\'s not the size of a nose that\'s important. \
	It\'s what\'s in it that matters. \
 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Sneeze and it\'s goodbye, \
	Seattle. \
10 (commercial): Hi, I\'m Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. \
11 (polite): Ah.  Would you mind not bobbing your head.  The orchestra keeps \
	changing tempo. \
12 (melodic): Everybody! "He\'s got the whole world in his nose." \
		-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" \
',' \
Something better... \
 \
13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened?  Did your parents lose a bet with God? \
14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to \
	perch on. \
15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides? \
16 (obscure): Oh, I\'d hate to see the grindstone. \
17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? \
18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you \
	leave. \
19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. \
20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn\'t He. \
21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair? \
22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine! \
23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the \
	coffee ... in Brazil. \
24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original.  Most people just have their teeth \
	capped. \
25 (dirty): Your name wouldn\'t be Dick, would it? \
		-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" \
',' \
Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. \
		-- Benjamin Disraeli \
',' \
Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and \
the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the \
world. \
		-- Robert Stone \
',' \
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. \
		-- Lily Tomlin \
',' \
Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone \
else is driving. \
		-- David Letterman \
',' \
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. \
',' \
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. \
		-- Dave Millman \
',' \
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. \
		-- W.C. Fields \
',' \
Start the day with a smile.  After that you can be your nasty old self again. \
',' \
Stay together, drag each other down. \
',' \
Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.  Say, do you \
have a map to the next joint? \
',' \
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can\'t it get us out? \
',' \
Stupidity is its own reward. \
',' \
Style may not be the answer, but at least it\'s a workable alternative. \
',' \
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way \
before it is understood. \
',' \
Success is a journey, not a destination. \
',' \
Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. \
',' \
Success is in the minds of Fools. \
		-- William Wrenshaw, 1578 \
',' \
Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things. \
		-- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" \
',' \
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring. \
',' \
Such a fine first dream! \
But they laughed at me; they said \
I had made it up. \
',' \
Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity. \
',' \
Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. \
		-- Donald Kaul \
',' \
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. \
',' \
Sure he\'s sharp as a razor ... he\'s a two-dimensional pinhead! \
',' \
Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. \
',' \
Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. \
		-- Jean Cocteau \
',' \
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a \
hole in his head. \
',' \
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. \
',' \
Take a lesson from the whale; the only time he gets speared is when he \
raises to spout. \
',' \
Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. \
',' \
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. \
		-- Euripides \
',' \
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. \
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche \
',' \
Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than \
a gallon of vinegar. \
		-- B. Franklin \
',' \
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he\'ll believe you. \
Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he\'ll have to touch to be sure. \
',' \
Tell me what to think!!! \
',' \
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting \
a falsehood, isn\'t it? \
		-- A. Hope \
',' \
"That boy\'s about as sharp as a pound of wet liver" \
		-- Foghorn Leghorn \
',' \
That must be wonderful: I don\'t understand it at all. \
		-- Moliere \
',' \
That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. \
',' \
That\'s always the way when you discover something new; everyone thinks \
you\'re crazy. \
		-- Evelyn E. Smith \
',' \
The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither \
hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level.  I think it is ignorance that \
makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain \
undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre.  For surely \
anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal. \
		-- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930 \
',' \
The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that \
he is already degraded. \
		-- George Orwell \
',' \
The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. \
		-- Albertano of Brescia \
',' \
The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero. \
',' \
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in \
the morning feeling just terrible. \
		-- Jean Kerr \
',' \
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. \
		-- Blair \
',' \
The best portion of a good man\'s life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts \
of kindness and love. \
		-- Wordsworth \
',' \
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and \
fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are \
drifting side by side to our common doom. \
		-- Clarence Darrow \
',' \
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. \
',' \
The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. \
',' \
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. \
',' \
The bigger they are, the harder they hit. \
',' \
The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred. \
',' \
The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. \
',' \
The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet\'s dream; it is a most depressing \
and humiliating reality. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none \
of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."  Don\'t use \
excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.  Cutting his throat \
is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about. \
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" \
',' \
The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days. \
',' \
The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is \
thinking everyone is out to get you.  That\'s normal -- they are.  Paranoia \
is thinking that they\'re conspiring. \
		-- J. Kegler \
',' \
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. \
',' \
The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: \
Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a \
rabbit on the road.  Being sentimental is when the same driver, when \
swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian. \
		-- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague" \
',' \
The discerning person is always at a disadvantage. \
',' \
The distinction between true and false appears to become increasingly \
blurred by... the pollution of the language. \
		-- Arne Tiselius \
',' \
The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe because \
it lives in a forest.  Likewise the friendship of persons rests on mutual help. \
		-- Laukikanyay. \
',' \
The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend \
of both parties tactfully interferes. \
		-- G.K. Chesterton \
',' \
The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it \
is your move. \
		-- Frank Crane \
',' \
The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. \
		-- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life" \
',' \
The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. \
At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have \
answered themselves. \
		-- Arthur Binstead \
',' \
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. \
',' \
The greatest remedy for anger is delay. \
',' \
The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of \
relatives on the train for home. \
',' \
The hatred of relatives is the most violent. \
		-- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117) \
',' \
... the heat come \'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day. \
',' \
The help people need most urgently is help in admitting that they need help. \
',' \
The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, \
challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that \
keeps the blood at heat.  Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents \
itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb \
of innocence.  To yield to its blandishments is so easy.  The wrong, it seems, \
is venial...  Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of \
adventurous youth. \
		-- Benjamin Cardozo \
',' \
The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange \
protein -- it rejects it. \
		-- P. Medawar \
',' \
The human race never solves any of its problems.  It merely outlives them. \
		-- David Gerrold \
',' \
The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. \
		-- Quintus Ennius \
',' \
The important thing is not to stop questioning. \
',' \
The kind of danger people most enjoy is the kind they can watch from \
a safe place. \
',' \
The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable. \
		-- Irving Howe \
',' \
The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover\'s Lane holding his own hand. \
		-- Fred Allen \
',' \
The Least Successful Defrosting Device \
	The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster \
whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. \
	"I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock.  Somehow my lips \
got stuck fast." \
	While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he \
was all right.  "Alra?  Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away. \
	"I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of... \
muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer. \
	He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until \
constant hot breathing brought freedom.  He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot \
Lips". \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
The Lord prefers common-looking people.  That is the reason that He makes \
so many of them. \
		-- Abraham Lincoln \
',' \
The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
The major advances in civilization are processes that all but wreck the \
societies in which they occur. \
		-- A.N. Whitehead \
',' \
The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. \
		-- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time" \
',' \
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two \
chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. \
		-- Carl Jung \
',' \
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn\'t. \
',' \
The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another \
mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same \
being who produces the impressions. \
		-- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade \
',' \
The more I know men the more I like my horse. \
',' \
The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. \
		-- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696 \
',' \
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right. \
',' \
The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does \
not approach what your best friends say behind your back. \
		-- Alfred De Musset \
',' \
The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. \
',' \
The nice thing about egotists is that they don\'t talk about other people. \
		-- Lucille S. Harper \
',' \
The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million. \
',' \
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. \
',' \
The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age \
brings wisdom. \
		-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint \
has a past and every sinner has a future. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
The only really decent thing to do behind a person\'s back is pat it. \
',' \
The only rose without thorns is friendship. \
',' \
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  It is never any \
use to oneself. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge \
and guilt. \
		-- Elvis Costello \
',' \
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. \
',' \
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
The opposite of talking isn\'t listening.  The opposite of talking is waiting. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" \
',' \
The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me". \
',' \
The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible \
enough to give none. \
',' \
The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- not just \
when you occasionally are that way, but also when you waver, when you \
forget yourself, act like less than you are. In time, you become more \
like his vision of you -- which is the person you have always wanted to be. \
		-- Nancy Friday \
',' \
The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad \
trying to stop yourself going mad.  You might just as well give in and \
save your sanity for later. \
',' \
... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from \
other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in \
charity we can only call "inhuman." \
		-- R. A. Lafferty \
',' \
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the \
stupidity of your action. \
',' \
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can \
be pretty sure they\'re going to have some pretty annoying virtues. \
		-- Elizabeth Taylor \
',' \
The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper \
thoughts about their neighbours. \
		-- F.H. Bradley \
',' \
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one \
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress \
depends on the unreasonable man. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.  This \
means that only left handed people are in their right mind. \
',' \
"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" \
',' \
The second best policy is dishonesty. \
',' \
The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody. \
',' \
The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. \
		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero \
',' \
The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay. \
',' \
The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence.  He \
can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless \
existence recurring eternally.  The second characteristic of such a man is \
that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition -- \
that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. \
He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live \
by the values he wills. \
		-- Nietzsche \
',' \
The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have yet to learn \
-- only the savage fears what he does not understand. \
		-- The Silver Surfer \
',' \
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher \
esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. \
		-- Nietzsche \
',' \
The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. \
',' \
The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? \
2. Is it amusing?  3. Does it know its place? \
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" \
',' \
The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds \
the other fellow of a dull one. \
		-- Sid Caesar \
',' \
The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. \
		-- Andre Malraux \
',' \
The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. \
		-- Miguel de Cervantes \
',' \
The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. \
		-- Nathaniel Howe \
',' \
The way some people find fault, you\'d think there was some kind of reward. \
',' \
The way to a man\'s heart is through the left ventricle. \
',' \
The wise man seeks everything in himself; the ignorant man tries to get \
everything from somebody else. \
',' \
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. \
',' \
The wonderful thing about a dancing bear is not how well he dances, \
but that he dances at all. \
',' \
The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an \
open doorway with an open mind. \
		-- E.B. White \
',' \
The world needs more people like us and fewer like them. \
',' \
The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. \
		-- G.B. Shaw \
',' \
The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." \
		-- King Lear \
',' \
The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you. \
		-- Bette Midler \
',' \
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, \
but to be indifferent to them; that\'s the essence of inhumanity. \
		-- G.B. Shaw \
',' \
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober. \
		-- William Butler Yeats \
',' \
The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and \
not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could \
have materialized -- and never knowing. \
		-- David Viscott \
',' \
	Then there\'s the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years \
with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of \
sleep...  And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of \
his real problems. \
	The man\'s younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his \
problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, \
headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having \
gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. \
	The moral to this story is that there ain\'t no justice that we can \
stand to live with. \
		-- R. Geis \
',' \
There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure \
to be thought so. \
',' \
There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal \
friend.  They may know something that we don\'t.  They are probably \
avoiding a great deal of pain. \
',' \
There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. \
		-- Eugene Ionesco \
',' \
There are no emotional victims, only volunteers. \
',' \
There are no great men, buster.  There are only men. \
		-- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful" \
',' \
There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced \
by circumstances to meet. \
		-- Admiral William Halsey \
',' \
There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. \
		-- Helen Rowland \
',' \
There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can\'t tell the \
truth without lying. \
		-- Josh Billings \
',' \
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.  The good \
sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
There comes a time to stop being angry. \
		-- A Small Circle of Friends \
',' \
There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery is, if not an antidote, \
at least an alleviation.  If you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. \
	--Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles \
',' \
There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it \
has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. \
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche \
',' \
There is brutality and there is honesty.  There is no such thing as brutal \
honesty. \
',' \
There is no delight the equal of dread.  As long as it is somebody else\'s. \
		--Clive Barker \
',' \
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. \
',' \
There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. \
',' \
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. \
',' \
There is no such thing as inner peace.  There is only nervousness or death. \
Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" \
',' \
There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. \
		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus \
',' \
There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who comes \
to visit. \
',' \
There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, \
and that word is blackmail. \
		-- Colm Brogan \
',' \
There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly \
divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not. \
		-- Robert Benchley \
',' \
There\'s a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it\'s not a fence. \
',' \
There\'s a lot to be said for not saying a lot. \
',' \
There\'s no saint like a reformed sinner. \
',' \
There\'s no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. \
',' \
Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use \
this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause. \
		-- Machiavelli \
',' \
They also serve who only stand and wait. \
		-- John Milton \
',' \
They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see \
nothing but sea. \
		-- Francis Bacon \
',' \
"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!" \
',' \
They\'re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! \
',' \
"They\'re unfriendly, which is fortunate, really.  They\'d be difficult to like." \
		-- Avon \
',' \
Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. \
		-- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" \
',' \
This generation doesn\'t have emotional baggage.  We have emotional moving vans. \
		-- Bruce Feirstein \
',' \
This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother\'s \
side.  I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little \
else to sustain them.  Humoring them costs nothing and adds happiness in \
a world in which happiness is always in short supply. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do. \
',' \
Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have \
learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. \
		-- W.S. Krabill \
',' \
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. \
		-- George Santayana \
',' \
Those who don\'t know, talk.  Those who don\'t talk, know. \
',' \
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. \
',' \
To any truly impartial person, it would be obvious that I am always right. \
',' \
To be great is to be misunderstood. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
To be is to be related. \
		-- C.J. Keyser. \
',' \
To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. \
',' \
To be who one is, is not to be someone else. \
',' \
To be wise, the only thing you really need to know is when to say \
"I don\'t know." \
',' \
To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for \
you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize \
the competent. \
',' \
To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient \
solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. \
		-- H. Poincar\'e \
',' \
To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. \
		-- Norman Douglas \
',' \
To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often. \
',' \
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. \
',' \
To make an enemy, do someone a favor. \
',' \
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. \
',' \
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn \
old falsehoods. \
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" \
',' \
To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what \
he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do. \
',' \
Too clever is dumb. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. \
',' \
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. \
		-- Henrik Tikkanen \
',' \
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. \
',' \
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. \
',' \
Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. \
		-- Alan Watts \
',' \
Uh-oh -- I\'ve let the cat out of the bag.  Let me, then, straightforwardly \
state the thesis I shall now elaborate: Making variations on a theme is \
really the crux of creativity. \
		-- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas" \
',' \
Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. \
		-- e.e. cummings \
',' \
Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." \
 \
Orac: "It is unlikely.  I would predict there are far greater mistakes \
      waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." \
',' \
Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you\'re on.  But now and then \
there\'s nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a \
frying pan.  Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we \
weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as \
impulsive philanthropy, which we aren\'t in any position to afford, but \
shouldn\'t regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed. \
		-- Tom Robbins \
',' \
Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- only the willingness \
to make it when necessary. \
		-- Frederick Dunn \
',' \
Virtue is its own punishment. \
		-- Denniston \
 \
Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. \
		-- Aneurin Bevan \
',' \
Virtue is not left to stand alone.  He who practices it will have neighbors. \
		-- Confucius \
',' \
Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. \
		-- La Rochefoucauld \
',' \
Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. \
		-- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres" \
',' \
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. \
For a first offense, that is. \
',' \
Walk softly and carry a BFG-9000. \
',' \
Walk softly and carry a big stick. \
		-- Theodore Roosevelt \
',' \
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. \
',' \
We all dream of being the darling of everybody\'s darling. \
',' \
We all know that no one understands anything that isn\'t funny. \
',' \
We all live under the same sky, but we don\'t all have the same horizon. \
		-- Dr. Konrad Adenauer \
',' \
We are all born mad.  Some remain so. \
		-- Samuel Beckett \
',' \
We are all dying -- and we\'re gonna be dead for a long time. \
',' \
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. \
		-- A. Schweitzer \
',' \
We are anthill men upon an anthill world. \
		-- Ray Bradbury \
',' \
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. \
		-- Whole Earth Catalog \
',' \
We are each only one drop in a great ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle! \
',' \
We are not loved by our friends for what we are; rather, we are loved in \
spite of what we are. \
		-- Victor Hugo \
',' \
We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. \
		-- Jonathon Swift \
',' \
We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and share a \
spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft our immortality \
and interweave our destinies of water and air, leaving shadows that gather \
color of their own, until they outshine the substance that cast them. \
',' \
We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. \
		-- La Rochefoucauld \
',' \
We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the \
machinations of the wicked. \
',' \
We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. \
	-- Eric Hoffer \
',' \
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect \
their good judgement. \
',' \
We only acknowledge small faults in order to make it appear that we are \
free from great ones. \
		-- La Rouchefoucauld \
',' \
We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the \
originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has \
forgotten its source. \
		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" \
',' \
We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all. \
',' \
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. \
',' \
We read to say that we have read. \
',' \
We really don\'t have any enemies.  It\'s just that some of our best \
friends are trying to kill us. \
',' \
We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. \
		-- Thucydides \
',' \
We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. \
		-- Jean de la Bruyere \
',' \
We thrive on euphemism.  We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet \
size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative".  In \
fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie".  And now, here \
are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: \
 \
EUPHEMISM			REALITY \
-------------------		------------------------- \
Excited about life\'s journey	No concept of reality \
Spiritually evolved		Oversensitive \
Moody				Manic-depressive \
Soulful				Quiet manic-depressive \
Poet				Boring manic-depressive \
Sultry/Sensual			Easy \
Uninhibited			Lacking basic social skills \
Unaffected and earthy		Slob and lacking basic social skills \
Irreverent			Nasty and lacking basic social skills \
Very human			Quasimodo\'s best friend \
Swarthy				Sweaty even when cold or standing still \
Spontaneous/Eclectic		Scatterbrained \
Flexible			Desperate \
Aging child			Self-centered adult \
Youthful			Over 40 and trying to deny it \
Good sense of humor		Watches a lot of television \
',' \
Well, I\'m disenchanted too.  We\'re all disenchanted. \
		-- James Thurber \
',' \
Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the \
formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite \
shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide \
a grin. \
		-- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" \
',' \
What do I consider a reasonable person to be?  I\'d say a reasonable person \
is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes \
that into account when dealing with others.  Implicit in this definition is \
the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to \
live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in \
others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others. \
',' \
What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? \
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant \
',' \
	What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional \
chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that \
conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and \
repulsion.  You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and \
they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor \
passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run.  Conversely, \
all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice \
and they remain permanent influences on your life. \
	Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen \
as familiar wallpaper or instant friend.  The chemical action it entails is \
less worth analyzing than enjoying.  At any rate, these six pieces are about \
men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm\'s \
more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". \
		-- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" \
',' \
What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity.  We are all formed \
of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other\'s folly -- that \
is the first law of nature. \
		-- Voltaire \
',' \
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think \
themselves cleverer than we are. \
',' \
What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way? \
		-- H.G. Wells \
',' \
What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can no \
longer believe you. \
		-- Nietzsche \
',' \
What we see depends on mainly what we look for. \
		-- John Lubbock \
',' \
What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond \
your control.  But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or \
your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control.  If you feel \
powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do \
with as you will. \
		-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen" \
',' \
What\'s the matter with the world?  Why, there ain\'t but one thing wrong \
with every one of us -- and that\'s "selfishness." \
		-- The Best of Will Rogers \
',' \
What\'s this stuff about people being "released on their own recognizance"? \
Aren\'t we all out on our own recognizance? \
',' \
What, after all, is a halo?  It\'s only one more thing to keep clean. \
		-- Christopher Fry \
',' \
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like \
other people. \
		-- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows" \
',' \
Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. \
',' \
When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his \
mind wonderfully. \
		-- Samuel Johnson \
',' \
When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years \
ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind \
with changing conditions.  When a man you don\'t like does it, he is a \
liar who has broken his promises. \
		-- Franklin Adams \
',' \
When all other means of communication fail, try words. \
',' \
When among apes, one must play the ape. \
',' \
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them. \
',' \
When in doubt, do it.  It\'s much easier to apologize than to get permission. \
		-- Grace Murray Hopper \
',' \
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing. \
',' \
When people say nothing, they don\'t necessarily mean nothing. \
',' \
When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course \
is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. \
		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" \
',' \
When you dig another out of trouble, you\'ve got a place to bury your own. \
',' \
When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneath \
your feet. \
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" \
',' \
When you speak to others for their own good it\'s advice; \
when they speak to you for your own good it\'s interference. \
',' \
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the \
impression you will make. \
',' \
WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he\'s struggling to become a human being I have to \
laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years.  Struggle \
to become a parrot or something. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. \
',' \
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure \
that they\'re not using it. \
',' \
... whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to \
spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it. \
		-- Richard Shelton \
',' \
While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is \
admission to someone else. \
',' \
While having never invented a sin, I\'m trying to perfect several. \
',' \
While most peoples\' opinions change, the conviction of their \
correctness never does. \
',' \
While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. \
		-- Dean Rusk \
',' \
While you don\'t greatly need the outside world, it\'s still very \
reassuring to know that it\'s still there. \
',' \
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are \
safe, for you can watch both of his. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not \
become a monster.  And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks \
into you. \
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche \
',' \
Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. \
',' \
Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible? \
',' \
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to \
avoid responsibility with? \
',' \
Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they \
are another\'s. \
		 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 \
',' \
Why was I born with such contemporaries? \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she kissed her cow. \
		-- Rabelais \
',' \
Will your long-winded speeches never end? \
What ails you that you keep on arguing? \
		-- Job 16:3 \
',' \
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as \
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. \
',' \
With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I \
try to be a fraud and a half. \
		-- Otto von Bismark \
',' \
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. \
',' \
Words must be weighed, not counted. \
',' \
Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair -- It gives you something to do, \
but it doesn\'t get you anywhere. \
',' \
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. \
		-- Anonymous \
',' \
Ye\'ve also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin\' \
things to preserve their respectability.  Thank God I\'m not respectable. \
		-- Ruthven Campbell Todd \
',' \
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. \
',' \
Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. \
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" \
',' \
You ain\'t learning nothing when you\'re talking. \
',' \
You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. \
		-- Philip Whalen \
',' \
You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. \
		-- Sherlock Holmes \
',' \
You are not a fool just because you have done something foolish -- \
only if the folly of it escapes you. \
',' \
You can always tell luck from ability by its duration. \
',' \
You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. \
They\'re the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. \
',' \
You can bear anything if it isn\'t your own fault. \
		-- Katharine Fullerton Gerould \
',' \
You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. \
		-- Janis Joplin \
',' \
You can\'t carve your way to success without cutting remarks. \
',' \
You can\'t cheat an honest man.  Never give a sucker an even break or \
smarten up a chump. \
		-- W.C. Fields \
',' \
You can\'t cross a large chasm in two small jumps. \
',' \
You can\'t erase a dream, you can only wake me up. \
		-- Peter Frampton \
',' \
You can\'t have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. \
		-- Ayn Rand \
',' \
You can\'t hold a man down without staying down with him. \
		-- Booker T. Washington \
',' \
You can\'t learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle \
is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. \
		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" \
',' \
You can\'t play your friends like marks, kid. \
		-- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting" \
',' \
You can\'t start worrying about what\'s going to happen.  You get spastic \
enough worrying about what\'s happening now. \
		-- Lauren Bacall \
',' \
"You can\'t teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don\'t." \
		-- Dagwood Bumstead \
',' \
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. \
',' \
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. \
',' \
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. \
',' \
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. \
		-- Indira Gandhi \
',' \
You cannot use your friends and have them too. \
',' \
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn\'t need the first \
and last month in advance. \
',' \
You don\'t have to be nice to people on the way up if you\'re not planning on \
coming back down. \
		-- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie" \
',' \
You don\'t have to explain something you never said. \
		-- Calvin Coolidge \
',' \
You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me  \
from your own life.  May it all turn out to your happiness. \
		-- Goethe \
',' \
You got to be very careful if you don\'t know where you\'re going, \
because you might not get there. \
		-- Yogi Berra \
',' \
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. \
		-- John Viscount Morley \
',' \
You humans are all alike. \
',' \
You just wait, I\'ll sin till I blow up! \
		-- Dylan Thomas \
',' \
You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. \
		-- Maharbal \
',' \
You know it\'s going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes \
you wore home from the party and there aren\'t any. \
',' \
You know it\'s going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, \
start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm. \
		-- Dean Webber \
',' \
You know it\'s Monday when you wake up and it\'s Tuesday. \
		-- Garfield \
',' \
You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language is revenge. \
		-- Peter Beard \
',' \
You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. \
		-- E.A. Gilliam \
',' \
You know you\'re in trouble when... \
(1)	You wake up face down on the pavement. \
(2)	Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. \
(3)	You turn on the news and they\'re showing emergency routes \
		out of the city. \
(4)	Your twin sister forgot your birthday. \
(5)	You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then \
		remember that you don\'t have a waterbed. \
(6)	Your doctor tells you you\'re allergic to chocolate. \
',' \
You know you\'re in trouble when... \
(1)	You\'ve been at work for an hour before you notice that your  \
		skirt is caught in your pantyhose. \
		Especially if you\'re a man. \
(2)	Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. \
(3)	Your income tax check bounces. \
(4)	You put both contact lenses in the same eye. \
(5)	Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. \
(6)	You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day \
		after you bought a waterbed. \
(7)	You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk \
		clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party  \
		for your spouse. \
',' \
You know you\'re in trouble when... \
(1)	Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you \
		follow a group of Hell\'s Angels on the freeway. \
(2)	You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party  \
		and there aren\'t any. \
(3)	Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. \
(4)	The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. \
(5)	You wake up and your braces are locked together. \
(6)	Your mother approves of the person you\'re dating. \
',' \
You know you\'re in trouble when... \
(1)	Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind  \
		her own business. \
(2)	You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. \
(3)	You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. \
(4)	You see a `60 Minutes\' news team waiting in your office. \
(5)	Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. \
(6)	Your 4-year old reveals that it\'s "almost impossible" to  \
		flush a grapefruit down the toilet. \
(7)	You realize that you\'ve memorized the back of the cereal box. \
',' \
You know your apartment is small... \
	when you can\'t know its position and velocity at the same time. \
	you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window. \
	you have to go outside to change your mind. \
	you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet. \
',' \
You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he \
is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. \
		-- Sydney Harris \
',' \
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him. \
		-- Ed Howe \
',' \
You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. \
You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white \
plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised \
as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. \
		-- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" \
',' \
You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty \
to his own concept of the obligations of manhood.  All other loyalties \
are merely deputies of that one. \
		-- Nero Wolfe \
',' \
You never gain something but that you lose something. \
		-- Thoreau \
',' \
You never get a second chance to make a first impression. \
',' \
You never go anywhere without your soul. \
',' \
You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. \
		-- William Blake \
',' \
You never learn anything by doing it right. \
',' \
You probably wouldn\'t worry about what people think of you if you could \
know how seldom they do. \
		-- Olin Miller. \
',' \
	"You say there are two types of people?" \
	"Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that don\'t." \
	"Wrong.  There are three groups: \
		Those who separate people into three groups. \
		Those who don\'t separate people into groups. \
		Those who can\'t decide." \
	"Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into two groups?" \
	"Oh.  Okay, then there are four groups." \
	"Aren\'t you then separating people into four groups?" \
	"Yeah." \
	"So then there\'s a fifth group, right?" \
	"You know, the problem is these idiots who can\'t make up their minds." \
',' \
You see things; and you say "Why?" \
But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" \
		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" \
		[No, it wasn\'t J.F. Kennedy.  Ed.] \
',' \
You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. \
		-- Joseph Conrad \
',' \
You should avoid hedging, at least that\'s what I think. \
',' \
You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except \
incest and folk-dancing. \
		-- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth" \
',' \
You shouldn\'t wallow in self-pity.  But it\'s OK to put your feet in it \
and swish them around a little. \
		-- Guindon \
',' \
You want to know why I kept getting promoted?  Because my mouth knows more \
than my brain. \
	-- W.G. \
',' \
You won\'t skid if you stay in a rut. \
		-- Frank Hubbard \
',' \
You\'d best be snoozin\', \'cause you don\'t be gettin\' no work done at 5 a.m. \
anyway. \
		-- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell \
',' \
You\'d better smile when they watch you, smile like you\'re in control. \
		-- Smile, "Was (Not Was)" \
',' \
You\'re always thinking you\'re gonna be the one that makes \'em act different. \
		-- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" \
',' \
You\'re either part of the solution or part of the problem. \
		-- Eldridge Cleaver \
',' \
You\'re never too old to become younger. \
		-- Mae West \
',' \
You\'ve always made the mistake of being yourself. \
		-- Eugene Ionesco \
',' \
You\'ve been telling me to relax all the way here, and now you\'re telling \
me just to be myself? \
		-- The Return of the Secaucus Seven \
',' \
Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for \
counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business.  For the \
experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth \
them; but in new things, abuseth them.  The errors of young men are the ruin \
of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might \
have been done, or sooner.  Young men, in the conduct and management of \
actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly \
to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few \
principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate, \
which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will \
not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop \
nor turn.  Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, \
repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but \
content themselves with a mediocrity of success.  Certainly, it is good to \
compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct \
the defects of both. \
		-- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age" \
',' \
Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools. \
		-- George Chapman \
',' \
Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young. \
		-- Augustus Caesar \
',' \
Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts \
		...Here\'s How You Can Tell \
Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you \
can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They \
listed 10 signs to watch for: \
    (3) Bizarre sense of humor.  Space aliens who don\'t understand \
	earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell \
	jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. \
    (6) Misuses everyday items.  "A space alien may use correction \
	fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. \
    (8) Secretive about personal life-style and home.  "An alien won\'t \
	discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends." \
   (10) Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain \
	high-tech hardware.  "An alien may experience a mood change when \
	a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. \
The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not \
all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. \
		-- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984. \
 \
	[I thought everybody laughed at company training films.  Ed.] \
',' \
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you \
from enjoying it. \
',' \
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your \
acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. \
		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions" \
',' \
Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of \
courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. \
		-- Robert F. Kennedy \
',' \
Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. \
		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby" \
',' \
Youth is a disease from which we all recover. \
		-- Dorothy Fuldheim \
',' \
	Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of \
the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance \
of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease. \
	Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow \
old only by deserting their ideals.  Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up \
enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.  Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair \
-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit \
back to dust. \
	Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being\'s heart the love \
of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and \
thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite \
for what next, and the joy and the game of life. \
	You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your \
self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your \
despair. \
	So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage, \
grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long \
you are young. \
		-- Samuel Ullman \
',' \
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
	A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to \
the bartender.  "Hey, bartender, gimme a whiskey." \
	The bartender ignores him. \
	"Hey bartender, gimme a whiskey!" \
	Still ignored. \
	"HEY BARMAN!!  GIMME A WHISKEY!!" \
	The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the \
leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. \
	Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, \
jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns.  He ambles slowly into the \
saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, \
"I\'m here t\'git the man that shot muh paw." \
',' \
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. \
',' \
All intelligent species own cats. \
',' \
Any member introducing a dog into the Society\'s premises shall be \
liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person shall \
be deemed to be a cat. \
		-- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London \
',' \
Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. \
		-- R. Heinlein  \
',' \
	"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" \
	"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime." \
	"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." \
	"That was the curious incident." \
		-- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" \
',' \
Auribus teneo lupum. \
	[I hold a wolf by the ears.] \
	[Boy, it *sounds* good.  But what does it *mean*?] \
',' \
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. \
',' \
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. \
		-- Garrison Keillor \
',' \
Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can\'t make eight cats pull a sled through \
the snow. \
',' \
Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. \
',' \
Chihuahuas drive me crazy.  I can\'t stand anything that shivers when it\'s warm. \
',' \
"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern \
technology.  Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat." \
',' \
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think \
that\'s how dogs spend their lives. \
		-- Sue Murphy \
',' \
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? \
',' \
Dogs just don\'t seem to be able to tell the difference between important people \
and the rest of us. \
',' \
Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence.  These silly humans \
are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority. \
	Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by \
cats. \
	You wouldn\'t see cats having waste disposal problems. \
	They\'re neat. \
	They don\'t have sexual hangups.  A cat gets horny, it does something \
about it. \
	They keep reasonable hours.  You *never* see a cat up before noon. \
	They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?   \
	What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty neglible. \
It\'s not that they can\'t, they just know that there are much better things to \
do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world. \
',' \
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat. \
',' \
Hi!  You have reached 555-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and \
the cat doesn\'t have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible.  Please \
leave your name and message after the beep... \
',' \
I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven\'t got the guts \
to bite people themselves. \
		-- August Strindberg \
',' \
I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas.  A Chihuahua isn\'t a dog.  It\'s a rat \
with a thyroid problem. \
',' \
If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? \
',' \
If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. \
We\'re offering a substantial reward.  He\'s a sable collie, with three legs, \
blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his \
tail.  He\'s been recently fixed.  Answers to "Lucky". \
',' \
If you are a police dog, where\'s your badge? \
		-- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd \
		   crazy. \
',' \
"If you don\'t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little \
Lavoris in the toilet." \
		-- Jay Leno \
',' \
If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a \
new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, \
does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions.  You must \
make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats. \
The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if \
you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer \
will be courteous as well as responsive.  Since you are out of sympathy with \
cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the \
dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital.  But bear in mind that your opinion \
of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker.  Try to keep things \
straight. \
		-- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style" \
',' \
In the eyes of my dog, I\'m a man. \
		-- Martin Mull \
',' \
It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. \
',' \
It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest. \
',' \
It\'s no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat. \
',' \
Lost: gray and white female cat.  Answers to electric can opener. \
',' \
Never try to outstubborn a cat. \
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" \
',' \
No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless \
absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz \
',' \
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. \
',' \
PENGUINICITY!! \
',' \
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. \
',' \
"Shelter," what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat. \
',' \
Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be \
chewed and digested. \
		-- Francis Bacon \
	[As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows.  Ed.] \
',' \
Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar.  I feel \
like I\'ve just got to bite a cat!  I feel like if I don\'t bite a cat \
before sundown, I\'ll go crazy!  But then I just take a deep breath and \
forget about it.  That\'s what is known as real maturity. \
		-- Snoopy \
',' \
Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that\'s on sale. \
After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! \
',' \
The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they\'re \
called.  Cats take a message and get back to you. \
',' \
The main problem I have with cats is, they\'re not dogs. \
		-- Kevin Cowherd \
',' \
The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn\'t do anything. \
		-- C. Schulz \
',' \
There are many intelligent species in the universe, and they all own cats. \
',' \
There\'s no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. \
',' \
To err is human, \
To purr feline. \
		-- Robert Byrne \
',' \
When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it will attempt \
to defend itself when he tries to kill it. \
',' \
When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little \
muddy paw prints on the hood of my car. \
',' \
Who loves me will also love my dog. \
		-- John Donne \
',' \
With a rubber duck, one\'s never alone. \
		-- "The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy" \
',' \
(1) Everything depends. \
(2) Nothing is always. \
(3) Everything is sometimes. \
',' \
42 \
',' \
A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are \
correct. \
		-- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud\'Dib" \
',' \
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. \
',' \
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. \
		-- Cervantes \
',' \
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. \
',' \
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. \
',' \
	A boy spent years collecting postage stamps.  The girl next door bought \
an album too, and started her own collection.  "Dad, she buys everything I\'ve \
bought, and it\'s taken all the fun out of it for me.  I\'m quitting."  Don\'t, \
son, remember, \'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.\'" \
',' \
A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. Kites rise \
against the wind, not with it. \
',' \
A chicken is an egg\'s way of producing more eggs. \
',' \
A chronic disposition to inquiry deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. \
',' \
A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. \
',' \
A closed mouth gathers no foot. \
',' \
A couch is as good as a chair. \
',' \
A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. \
',' \
A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. \
',' \
A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. \
',' \
A day without sunshine is like night. \
',' \
A dead man cannot bite. \
		-- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) \
',' \
A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. \
',' \
	A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign.  "Free \
Chickens.  Our Coop Runneth Over." \
',' \
	A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for \
her birthday.  An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her \
looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen.  "My pup," she murmured \
sadly, "runneth over." \
',' \
A fool and his money are soon popular. \
',' \
A fool and your money are soon partners. \
',' \
A fool must now and then be right by chance. \
',' \
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
A friend in need is a pest indeed. \
',' \
A full belly makes a dull brain. \
		-- Ben Franklin \
 \
		[and the local candy machine man.  Ed] \
',' \
	A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best \
friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown.  When asked by her father why she \
had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today \
and I\'ve been telling it to the Maureens." \
',' \
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). \
',' \
A good memory does not equal pale ink. \
',' \
A good name lost is seldom regained.  When character is gone, \
all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. \
		-- J. Hawes \
',' \
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. \
		-- Patton \
',' \
A good reputation is more valuable than money. \
		-- Publilius Syrus \
',' \
A good scapegoat is hard to find. \
A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. \
		-- Carolyn Wells \
',' \
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. \
',' \
A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. \
',' \
A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. \
',' \
A homeowner\'s reach should exceed his grasp, or what\'s a weekend for? \
',' \
	A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they\'re three \
days old.  He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted. \
',' \
A hundred thousand lemmings can\'t be wrong! \
',' \
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. \
',' \
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. \
		-- Lao Tsu \
',' \
A journey of a thousand miles starts under one\'s feet. \
		-- Lao Tsu \
',' \
A king\'s castle is his home. \
',' \
A lie in time saves nine. \
',' \
A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of \
trouble. \
		-- Adlai Stevenson \
',' \
A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. \
		-- Aristotle \
',' \
A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. \
',' \
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. \
		-- C.E. Ayres \
',' \
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. \
		-- H.H. Munro, "Saki" \
',' \
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. \
',' \
A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles \
in the road. \
		-- Alexander Smith \
',' \
A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn \
in no other way. \
',' \
A man with one watch knows what time it is. \
A man with two watches is never quite sure. \
',' \
A man\'s best friend is his dogma. \
',' \
A man\'s house is his castle. \
		-- Sir Edward Coke \
',' \
A man\'s house is his hassle. \
',' \
A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. \
',' \
A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. \
',' \
A penny saved has not been spent. \
',' \
A penny saved is ridiculous. \
',' \
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his \
mouth. \
',' \
A place for everything and everything in its place. \
		-- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" \
  \
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when \
	 referring to memory management system services.] \
',' \
A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. \
		-- Stanley Baldwin \
',' \
A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques contaminate \
the potable concoction produced by steeping certain edible nutriments. \
',' \
A plucked goose doesn\'t lay golden eggs. \
',' \
A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea. \
',' \
"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives." \
',' \
A rolling stone gathers momentum. \
',' \
A rolling stone gathers no moss. \
		-- Publilius Syrus \
',' \
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. \
',' \
A sinking ship gathers no moss. \
		-- Donald Kaul \
',' \
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. \
',' \
A snake lurks in the grass. \
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) \
',' \
A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. \
		-- Proverbs 15:1 \
',' \
A soft drink turneth away company. \
',' \
A song in time is worth a dime. \
',' \
A stitch in time saves nine. \
',' \
A violent man will die a violent death. \
		-- Lao Tsu \
',' \
A watched clock never boils. \
',' \
A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom \
of a well. \
',' \
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a \
mountain top. \
',' \
A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. \
		-- Chinese proverb \
',' \
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets \
people\'s attention. \
',' \
A witty saying proves nothing. \
		-- Voltaire \
',' \
A word to the wise is enough. \
		-- Miguel de Cervantes \
',' \
Above all else -- sky. \
',' \
Above all things, reverence yourself. \
',' \
Absence makes the heart forget. \
',' \
Absence makes the heart go wander. \
',' \
Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. \
',' \
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. \
		-- Sextus Aurelius \
',' \
Absence makes the heart grow frantic. \
',' \
Absolutum obsoletum.  (If it works, it\'s out of date.) \
		-- Stafford Beer \
',' \
Ad astra per aspera. \
	[To the stars by aspiration.] \
',' \
Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. \
	[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] \
		-- Ovid \
',' \
Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. \
',' \
After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. \
		-- Italian proverb \
',' \
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. \
',' \
Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. \
		-- Dorothy Parker \
',' \
Aim for the moon.  If you miss, you may hit a star. \
		-- W. Clement Stone \
',' \
Ain\'t no right way to do a wrong thing. \
		-- The Mad Dogtender \
',' \
Alas, I am dying beyond my means. \
		-- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed] \
',' \
Alimony is the high cost of leaving. \
',' \
All a man needs out of life is a place to sit \'n\' spit in the fire. \
',' \
All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. \
',' \
-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. \
-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited \
	carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. \
-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. \
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated \
	the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. \
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. \
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. \
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well \
	advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. \
',' \
All I kin say is when you finds yo\'self wanderin\' in a peach orchard, \
ya don\'t go lookin\' for rutabagas. \
		-- Kingfish \
',' \
All is fear in love and war. \
',' \
All is well that ends well. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
All that glitters has a high refractive index. \
',' \
All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. \
',' \
All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. \
',' \
All things being equal, you are bound to lose. \
',' \
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. \
',' \
All\'s well that ends. \
',' \
An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or \
one-and-a-half truths. \
		-- Karl Kraus \
',' \
An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. \
',' \
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. \
',' \
An idle mind is worth two in the bush. \
',' \
An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation. \
',' \
An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. \
		-- Michael Korda \
',' \
An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. \
		-- Spanish proverb \
',' \
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge." \
',' \
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. \
		-- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version \
',' \
Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. \
		-- Proverbs, 26:5 \
',' \
Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- \
a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea.  For instance, my \
grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." \
I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly true. \
		-- Solomon Short \
',' \
Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. \
		-- Sydney J. Harris \
',' \
Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. \
Climb the mountain just a little to test it\'s a mountain. \
From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. \
		-- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" \
',' \
Anything is possible on paper. \
		-- Ron McAfee \
',' \
Anything is possible, unless it\'s not. \
',' \
Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently.  Things hitherto \
undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. \
		-- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" \
',' \
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. \
',' \
As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. \
		-- Miguel de Cervantes \
',' \
Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station \
rate. \
		-- Howard Kandel \
',' \
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls... \
if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. \
',' \
Avoid cliches like the plague.  They\'re a dime a dozen. \
',' \
Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. \
		-- Homer \
',' \
Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio. \
',' \
Beggars should be no choosers. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
Better dead than mellow. \
',' \
Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it. \
',' \
Better late than never. \
		-- Titus Livius (Livy) \
',' \
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. \
',' \
Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. \
',' \
Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. \
		-- motto of the Christopher Society \
',' \
Better tried by twelve than carried by six. \
		-- Jeff Cooper \
',' \
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. \
',' \
Beware of geeks bearing graft. \
',' \
Call on God, but row away from the rocks. \
		-- Indian proverb \
',' \
Charity begins at home. \
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) \
',' \
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. \
',' \
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. \
		-- P.J. O\'Rourke \
',' \
Cleanliness is next to impossible. \
',' \
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- \
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
"Cogito ergo I\'m right and you\'re wrong." \
		-- Blair Houghton \
',' \
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. \
',' \
Desist from enumerating your fowl prior to their emergence from the shell. \
',' \
Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. \
		-- Aesop \
',' \
Do unto others before they undo you. \
',' \
Do, or do not; there is no try. \
',' \
Doing gets it done. \
',' \
Don\'t get even -- get odd! \
',' \
Don\'t get mad, get even. \
		-- Joseph P. Kennedy \
 \
Don\'t get even, get jewelry. \
		-- Anonymous \
',' \
Don\'t get mad, get interest. \
',' \
Don\'t put off for tomorrow what you can do today because if you enjoy it today, \
you can do it again tomorrow. \
',' \
Eschew obfuscation. \
',' \
Every path has its puddle. \
',' \
Every silver lining has a cloud around it. \
',' \
Every solution breeds new problems. \
',' \
Expedience is the best teacher. \
',' \
Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. \
		-- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" \
',' \
Familiarity breeds attempt. \
',' \
Flattery will get you everywhere. \
',' \
Flee at once, all is discovered. \
',' \
For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. \
		-- Alexander Pope \
',' \
Forgive and forget. \
		-- Cervantes \
',' \
Fortune and love befriend the bold. \
		-- Ovid \
',' \
Fortune favors the lucky. \
',' \
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 \
 \
	Those who can, do.  Those who can\'t, write the instructions. \
',' \
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 \
 \
	Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. \
',' \
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 \
 \
	A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. \
',' \
Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude. \
',' \
Genius is pain. \
		-- John Lennon \
',' \
Given sufficient time, what you put off doing today will get done by itself. \
',' \
God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as \
we speak. \
		-- Arab proverb \
',' \
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. \
',' \
Happiness is the greatest good. \
',' \
Haste makes waste. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
Have a nice day! \
',' \
Have a nice diurnal anomaly. \
',' \
Have an adequate day. \
',' \
He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. \
		-- Scottish proverb. \
',' \
He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. \
		-- Sinbad \
',' \
He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. \
',' \
He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. \
',' \
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. \
',' \
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. \
',' \
He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world \
as he who is ready to die. \
		-- Giacomo Leopardi \
',' \
He who hates vices hates mankind. \
',' \
He who hesitates is last. \
',' \
He who hesitates is sometimes saved. \
',' \
He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. \
		-- Bertolt Brecht \
',' \
He who laughs last -- missed the punch line. \
',' \
He who laughs last didn\'t get the joke. \
',' \
He who laughs last hasn\'t been told the terrible truth. \
',' \
He who laughs last is probably your boss. \
',' \
He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. \
',' \
He who laughs, lasts. \
',' \
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. \
',' \
He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. \
		-- Dr. Johnson \
',' \
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. \
',' \
Honesty\'s the best policy. \
		-- Miguel de Cervantes \
',' \
Honi soit qui mal y pense. \
	[Evil to him who evil thinks.] \
		-- Motto of the Order of the Garter (est. Edward III) \
',' \
How sharper than a hound\'s tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. \
',' \
How you look depends on where you go. \
',' \
I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. \
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) \
',' \
I doubt, therefore I might be. \
',' \
I know on which side my bread is buttered. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
I think, therefore I am... I think. \
',' \
I\'ll turn over a new leaf. \
		-- Miguel de Cervantes \
',' \
If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. \
		-- William Blake \
',' \
If anything can go wrong, it will. \
',' \
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. \
',' \
If at first you don\'t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. \
',' \
If at first you don\'t succeed, quit; don\'t be a nut about success. \
',' \
If at first you don\'t succeed, redefine success. \
',' \
If at first you don\'t succeed, try, try again. \
		-- W.E. Hickson \
',' \
If at first you don\'t succeed, you\'re doing about average. \
		-- Leonard Levinson \
',' \
If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. \
		-- Chinese proverb \
',' \
If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. \
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) \
',' \
If in doubt, mumble. \
',' \
If it ain\'t broke, don\'t fix it. \
',' \
If it heals good, say it. \
',' \
If the shoe fits, it\'s ugly. \
',' \
If the thunder don\'t get you, then the lightning will. \
',' \
If there is no wind, row. \
		-- Polish proverb \
',' \
If two wrongs don\'t make a right, try three. \
		-- Laurence J. Peter \
',' \
If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves. \
',' \
If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. \
If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. \
If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. \
If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. \
		-- Chinese Proverb \
',' \
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. \
',' \
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. \
',' \
In charity there is no excess. \
		-- Francis Bacon \
',' \
In God we trust; all else we walk through. \
',' \
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. \
		-- Benjamin Franklin \
',' \
Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile. \
',' \
Integrity has no need for rules. \
',' \
It doesn\'t matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. \
',' \
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. \
',' \
It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. \
		-- Aeschylus \
',' \
It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. \
		-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) \
',' \
It is bad luck to be superstitious. \
		-- Andrew W. Mathis \
',' \
It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. \
',' \
It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. \
',' \
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. \
',' \
It is better to wear out than to rust out. \
',' \
It is common sense to take a method and try it.  If it fails, \
admit it frankly and try another.  But above all, try something. \
		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt \
',' \
It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. \
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) \
',' \
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. \
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca \
',' \
It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. \
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) \
',' \
It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. \
		-- Roger Babson \
',' \
It is your concern when your neighbor\'s wall is on fire. \
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) \
',' \
It\'s always darkest just before it gets pitch black. \
',' \
It\'s always darkest just before the lights go out. \
		-- Alex Clark \
',' \
It\'s better to burn out than it is to rust. \
',' \
It\'s better to burn out than to fade away. \
',' \
It\'s later than you think. \
',' \
It\'s not whether you win or lose, it\'s how you place the blame. \
',' \
It\'s the thought, if any, that counts! \
',' \
Keep on keepin\' on. \
',' \
Keep the phase, baby. \
',' \
Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
Knowledge is power. \
		-- Francis Bacon \
',' \
Knowledge without common sense is folly. \
',' \
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. \
',' \
Laugh and the world thinks you\'re an idiot. \
',' \
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. \
',' \
Laugh when you can; cry when you must. \
',' \
Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn\'t help either. \
',' \
Leave no stone unturned. \
		-- Euripides \
',' \
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. \
',' \
Let sleeping dogs lie. \
		-- Charles Dickens \
',' \
Let your conscience be your guide. \
		-- Pope \
',' \
Life is one long struggle in the dark. \
		-- Titus Lucretius Carus \
',' \
"Life is too important to take seriously." \
		-- Corky Siegel \
',' \
Life is too short to be taken seriously. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Look before you leap. \
		-- Samuel Butler \
',' \
Look ere ye leap. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. \
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised \
	to refrain from catapulting projectiles. \
-- Neophyte\'s serendipity. \
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic \
	diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. \
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries \
	of small, green bryophytic plant. \
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation \
	of a lucrative nature. \
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing \
	osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. \
',' \
Man is the measure of all things. \
		-- Protagoras \
',' \
Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. \
		-- Plotinus \
',' \
Many are called, few are chosen.  Fewer still get to do the choosing. \
',' \
Many are called, few volunteer. \
',' \
Many are cold, but few are frozen. \
',' \
Many hands make light work. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
May you have warm words on a cold evening, \
a full mooon on a dark night, \
and a smooth road all the way to your door. \
',' \
May you live in uninteresting times. \
		-- Chinese proverb \
',' \
Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. \
		-- Julius Caesar \
',' \
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. \
',' \
Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it. \
		-- Russell Baker \
',' \
Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. \
',' \
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. \
',' \
Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. \
',' \
Moderation in all things. \
		-- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence] \
',' \
Moderation is a fatal thing.  Nothing succeeds like excess. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Mother is the invention of necessity. \
',' \
Mum\'s the word. \
		-- Miguel de Cervantes \
',' \
Necessity has no law. \
		-- St. Augustine \
',' \
Necessity hath no law. \
		-- Oliver Cromwell \
',' \
Necessity is a mother. \
',' \
-- Neophyte\'s serendipity. \
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of \
	hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. \
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no \
	congeries of small, green bryophytic plant. \
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the \
	optimal cachinnation. \
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential \
	escallation of a lucrative nature. \
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of \
	fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally \
	remain innocuous. \
',' \
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. \
',' \
Never look a gift horse in the mouth. \
		-- Saint Jerome \
',' \
Never promise more than you can perform. \
		-- Publilius Syrus \
',' \
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. \
',' \
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. \
',' \
Nice guys don\'t finish nice. \
',' \
Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. \
		-- Evan Davis \
',' \
Nice guys finish last. \
		-- Leo Durocher \
',' \
Nice guys get sick. \
',' \
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. \
		-- Aesop \
',' \
No evil can happen to a good man. \
		-- Plato \
',' \
No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. \
		-- Aristotle \
',' \
No good deed goes unpunished. \
		-- Clare Booth Luce \
',' \
None love the bearer of bad news. \
		-- Sophocles \
',' \
Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. \
',' \
Nothing endures but change. \
		-- Heraclitus \
',' \
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a \
proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. \
		-- John Keats \
',' \
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. \
	[There is no great genius without some touch of madness.] \
		-- Seneca \
',' \
Often things ARE as bad as they seem! \
',' \
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. \
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) \
',' \
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. \
		-- Homer \
',' \
One good turn asketh another. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
One good turn deserves another. \
		-- Gaius Petronius \
',' \
One good turn usually gets most of the blanket. \
',' \
One man\'s Mede is another man\'s Persian. \
		-- George M. Cohan \
',' \
One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. \
		-- Chinese proverb \
',' \
Oppernockity tunes but once. \
',' \
Out of sight is out of mind. \
		-- Arthur Clough \
',' \
		-- Owen Meredith \
',' \
Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. \
		-- Titus Maccius Plautus \
',' \
Pauca sed matura. \
	[Few but excellent.] \
		-- Gauss \
',' \
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. \
	[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] \
	or \
	[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] \
		-- Aelius Donatus \
',' \
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. \
		-- Don Marquis \
',' \
Plus ,ca change, plus c\'est la m^eme chose. \
	[The more things change, the more they remain the same.] \
		-- Alphonse Karr, "Les Gu^epes" \
',' \
Practice yourself what you preach. \
		-- Titus Maccius Plautus \
',' \
Praise the sea; on shore remain. \
		-- John Florio \
',' \
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. \
		-- Russian Proverb \
',' \
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. \
		-- Publilius Syrus \
',' \
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. \
	[Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.] \
',' \
Remembering is for those who have forgotten. \
		-- Chinese proverb \
',' \
Removing the straw that broke the camel\'s back does not necessarily \
allow the camel to walk again. \
',' \
Rome was not built in one day. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
Rome wasn\'t burnt in a day. \
',' \
Rotten wood cannot be carved. \
		-- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9 \
',' \
-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin. \
-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. \
-- Surveillance should precede saltation. \
-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. \
-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed \
	lacteal fluid. \
-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. \
-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated \
	canine with innovative maneuvers. \
-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. \
-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly \
	galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Farenheit. \
',' \
Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. \
',' \
Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. \
		-- Alfred North Whitehead \
',' \
Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! \
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) \
',' \
Set the cart before the horse. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. \
	[If youth but knew, if old age but could.] \
		-- Henri Estienne \
',' \
Sic transit gloria Monday! \
',' \
Sic transit gloria mundi. \
	[So passes away the glory of this world.] \
		-- Thomas `a Kempis \
',' \
Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. \
',' \
Small change can often be found under seat cushions. \
		-- One of Lazarus Long\'s most penetrating insights \
',' \
Small is beautiful. \
		-- Schumacher\'s Dictum \
',' \
Stop searching forever.  Happiness is just next to you. \
',' \
Stop searching forever.  Happiness is unattainable. \
',' \
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they\'d only \
take a bath ... \
',' \
Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. \
		-- Thomas Tusser \
',' \
The coast was clear. \
		-- Lope de Vega \
',' \
The course of true anything never does run smooth. \
		-- Samuel Butler \
',' \
The descent to Hades is the same from every place. \
		-- Anaxagoras \
',' \
The early worm gets the bird. \
',' \
The early worm gets the late bird. \
',' \
The ends justify the means. \
		-- after Matthew Prior \
',' \
The greatest love is a mother\'s, then a dog\'s, then a sweetheart\'s. \
		-- Polish proverb \
',' \
The life which is unexamined is not worth living. \
		-- Plato \
',' \
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train. \
',' \
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. \
',' \
The man who runs may fight again. \
		-- Menander \
',' \
The man who sees, on New Year\'s day, Mount Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant \
is forever blessed. \
		-- Old Japanese proverb \
',' \
The meek will inherit the earth -- if that\'s OK with you. \
',' \
The more the merrier. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
The more things change, the more they stay insane. \
',' \
The more things change, the more they\'ll never be the same again. \
',' \
The only certainty is that nothing is certain. \
		-- Pliny the Elder \
',' \
The only constant is change. \
',' \
The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. \
		-- Phaedrus \
',' \
The only reward of virtue is virtue. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often." \
',' \
The proof of the pudding is in the eating. \
		-- Miguel de Cervantes \
',' \
The reverse side also has a reverse side.   \
		-- Japanese proverb \
',' \
The road to Hades is easy to travel. \
		-- Bion \
',' \
The superfluous is very necessary. \
		-- Voltaire \
',' \
The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled \
culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale. \
',' \
The worst is enemy of the bad. \
',' \
-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. \
-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. \
-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous \
	materials, there is conflagration. \
-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. \
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated \
	the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. \
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the \
	optimal cachinnation. \
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. \
',' \
There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else. \
',' \
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. \
',' \
There is no fool to the old fool. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. \
',' \
There is no proverb that is not true. \
		-- Cervantes \
',' \
There\'s an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. \
',' \
There\'s no heavier burden than a great potential. \
',' \
There\'s no such thing as a free lunch. \
		-- Milton Friendman \
',' \
There\'s no such thing as an original sin. \
		-- Elvis Costello \
',' \
There\'s no time like the pleasant. \
',' \
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. \
		-- Dwight Eisenhower \
',' \
Things are more like they used to be than they are now. \
',' \
Things are not always what they seem. \
		-- Phaedrus \
',' \
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. \
',' \
Thou hast seen nothing yet. \
		-- Miguel de Cervantes \
',' \
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. \
		-- Benjamin Franklin \
',' \
Time and tide wait for no man. \
',' \
Time as he grows old teaches all things. \
		-- Aeschylus \
',' \
Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana. \
',' \
Time goes, you say? \
Ah no! \
Time stays, *we* go. \
		-- Austin Dobson \
',' \
Time sure flies when you don\'t know what you\'re doing. \
',' \
To add insult to injury. \
		-- Phaedrus \
',' \
To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up. \
',' \
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out before the pencil, \
you\'re overdoing it a little. \
',' \
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. \
',' \
To err is human, to forgive unusual. \
',' \
To err is human, to moo bovine. \
',' \
To err is human, to purr feline. \
To err is human, two curs canine. \
To err is human, to moo bovine. \
',' \
To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. \
		-- Benjamin Franklin \
',' \
To err is human. \
To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human. \
',' \
To err is human; to admit it, a blunder. \
',' \
To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. \
		-- MIT Assasination Club \
',' \
To err is humor. \
',' \
To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. \
		-- B. Duggan \
',' \
Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. \
		-- Publilius Syrus \
',' \
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. \
		-- Arabian proverb \
',' \
Truth can wait; he\'s used to it. \
',' \
Turn the other cheek. \
		-- Jesus Christ \
',' \
Two heads are better than one. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
Two heads are more numerous than one. \
',' \
Two is company, three is an orgy. \
',' \
Two wrongs are only the beginning. \
		-- Kohn \
',' \
Two wrongs don\'t make a right, but they make a good excuse. \
		-- Thomas Szasz \
',' \
Two wrongs don\'t make a right, but three lefts do. \
',' \
Walking on water wasn\'t built in a day. \
		-- Jack Kerouac \
',' \
We are what we are. \
',' \
We are what we pretend to be. \
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. \
',' \
We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it\'s out. \
',' \
Well begun is half done. \
		-- Aristotle \
',' \
What fools these morals be! \
',' \
What fools these mortals be. \
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca \
',' \
What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. \
		-- John Lilly \
',' \
What one fool can do, another can. \
		-- Ancient Simian Proverb \
',' \
What we wish, that we readily believe. \
		-- Demosthenes \
',' \
What you don\'t know can hurt you, only you won\'t know it. \
',' \
What you don\'t know won\'t help you much either. \
		-- D. Bennett \
',' \
Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. \
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) \
',' \
When in doubt, follow your heart. \
',' \
When in doubt, use brute force. \
		-- Ken Thompson \
',' \
When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will. \
',' \
When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" \
		-- Turkish proverb \
',' \
When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. \
		-- Chinese proverb \
',' \
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. \
		-- Lynch \
',' \
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. \
',' \
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. \
		-- Hunter S. Thompson \
',' \
When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look \
like a nail. \
',' \
When the sun shineth, make hay. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh. \
',' \
When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live \
as they live elsewhere. \
		-- St. Ambrose \
',' \
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. \
',' \
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, \
must be the truth. \
		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" \
',' \
Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance in ignited \
carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. \
',' \
Where there is much light there is also much shadow. \
		-- Goethe \
',' \
While there\'s life, there\'s hope. \
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) \
',' \
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. \
',' \
Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. \
		-- Bernard Levin \
',' \
Without fools there would be no wisdom. \
',' \
Words are the voice of the heart. \
',' \
Words can never express what words can never express. \
',' \
Words have a longer life than deeds. \
		-- Pindar \
',' \
Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
You buttered your bread, now lie in it. \
',' \
You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. \
',' \
You can fool some of the people all of the time, \
and all of the people some of the time, \
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. \
',' \
You can fool some of the people all of the time, \
and all of the people some of the time, \
but you can never fool your Mom. \
',' \
You can fool some of the people some of the time, \
and some of the people all of the time, \
and that is sufficient. \
',' \
You can get everything in life you want, if you will help enough other \
people get what they want. \
',' \
You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a \
kind word alone. \
		-- Al Capone \
		[Also attributed to Johnny Carson.  Ed.] \
',' \
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. \
',' \
You can make it illegal, but you can\'t make it unpopular. \
',' \
You can move the world with an idea, but you have to think of it first. \
',' \
You can never do just one thing. \
		-- Hardin \
',' \
You can\'t break eggs without making an omelet. \
',' \
You can\'t judge a book by the way it wears its hair. \
',' \
You cannot see the wood for the trees. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
You get what you pay for. \
		-- Gabriel Biel \
',' \
You k\'n hide de fier, but w\'at you gwine do wid de smoke? \
		-- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus \
',' \
Zhizn\' prozhit\'--ne pole pereiti. \
	[Life\'s a bitch.] \
	[Well, okay.  lit., to live through life is not as simple as crossing \
	 a field.  Happy now?] \
		-- Russian proverb \
',' \
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at \
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. \
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" \
',' \
1st graffitiist: QUESTION AUTHORITY! \
 \
2nd graffitiist: Why? \
',' \
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a \
"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. \
		-- Mahatma Ghandi \
',' \
A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. \
		-- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget \
',' \
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. \
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. \
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. \
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury. \
',' \
A bureaucrat\'s idea of cleaning up his files is to make a copy of everything \
before he destroys it. \
',' \
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the \
poor to protect them from each other. \
',' \
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but \
won\'t cross the street to vote in a national election. \
		-- Bill Vaughan \
',' \
A Difficulty for Every Solution. \
		-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service \
',' \
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she\'d look stout in a fur coat. \
',' \
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you \
actually look forward to the trip. \
		-- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" \
',' \
A diplomat\'s life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. \
		-- Adlai Stevenson \
',' \
A fanatic is one who can\'t change his mind and won\'t change the subject. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. \
		-- Adlai Stevenson \
',' \
A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks. \
		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 \
',' \
A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough \
to take it all away. \
		-- Barry Goldwater \
',' \
A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. \
		-- B. Franklin \
',' \
A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest \
man a century. \
',' \
A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals \
are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for \
not going to church on Sunday. \
		-- Russell Baker \
',' \
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. \
',' \
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. \
',' \
A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing. \
		-- Alexander Hamilton \
',' \
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. \
',' \
A penny saved is a penny taxed. \
',' \
A penny saved kills your career in government. \
',' \
A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to \
govern.  It demands no social reforms.  It does not haggle over expenditures \
on armaments and military equipment.  It pays without discussion, it ruins \
itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and \
manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. \
		-- Anatole France \
',' \
A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, \
but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. \
		-- Jean Paul Sartre \
',' \
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then \
asks you not to kill him. \
		-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952 \
',' \
A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be \
too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which \
was intended for her preservation. \
		-- Colton \
',' \
A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor\'s throat without having \
his neighbour notice it. \
		-- Trygve Lie \
',' \
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices \
that the system works. \
',' \
A right is not what someone gives you; it\'s what no one can take from you. \
		-- Ramsey Clark \
',' \
A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from \
the vexation of thinking. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 \
',' \
A statesman is a politician who\'s been dead 10 or 15 years. \
		-- Harry S. Truman \
',' \
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. \
		-- O\'Henry \
',' \
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many \
bad measures. \
		-- Daniel Webster \
',' \
Abraham Lincoln didn\'t die in vain.  He died in Washington, D.C. \
',' \
"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of \
the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the \
cost to others, to win advancement." \
		-- Norman Thomas \
',' \
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. \
	-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, \
	   Ecole Superieure de Guerre \
',' \
Alea iacta est. \
	[The die is cast] \
		-- Gaius Julius Caesar \
',' \
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was \
the closest our country has ever been to being even. \
	-- The Best of Will Rogers \
',' \
All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent \
upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a \
visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is \
informing, stimulating and ennobling. \
		-- H. L. Mencken \
',' \
All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. \
		-- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of \
		   Catiline", by Sallust \
',' \
All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. \
		-- Chou En Lai \
',' \
All kings is mostly rapscallions. \
		--Mark Twain \
',' \
All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of \
the United States. \
		-- Vic Gold \
',' \
All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by \
the government in less than a second. \
		-- Jim Fiebig \
',' \
All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes \
infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in \
which he was born. \
		-- Francois Fenelon \
',' \
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one \
dollar, and use it up in two weeks. \
',' \
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism \
to decadence without touching civilization. \
		-- John O\'Hara \
',' \
America: born free and taxed to death. \
',' \
An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the \
benefit of his country. \
		-- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639 \
',' \
An American\'s a person who isn\'t afraid to criticize the president but is \
always polite to traffic cops. \
',' \
An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in \
small as in great matters.   \
		-- W. Churchill \
',' \
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. \
		-- Simon Cameron \
 \
There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians.  When \
bought they stay bought. \
		-- Bill Moyers \
',' \
Anarchy may not be a better form of government, but it\'s better than no \
government at all. \
',' \
"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a \
courtesy detail." \
',' \
And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man \
with a plowshare, he\'s going to know he\'s been hit. \
',' \
And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have \
a sense of humor, as does history.  Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks \
tragedy, and this too is historic.  And yet, still, when corn meets \
tragedy face to face, we have politics. \
		-- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and \
		   Ground Cover" \
',' \
Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. \
Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. \
		-- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" \
',' \
Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. \
		-- Pyrrhus \
',' \
Any excuse will serve a tyrant. \
		-- Aesop \
',' \
	"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. \
	"None," Anita replied.  "She\'s having great difficulty finding someone \
qualified who is willing to accept the post." \
	"Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh.  "I\'m not good for much, but I \
can at least make a decision." \
	"Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic \
young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most \
up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." \
		-- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" \
',' \
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he\'ll spend two years \
organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. \
		-- David Broder \
',' \
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no \
account be allowed to do the job. \
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy" \
',' \
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. \
When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. \
		-- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" \
',' \
Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. \
		-- G.J. Danton \
',' \
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare. \
',' \
Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; nothing is safe while the \
legislature is in session. \
',' \
Bedfellows make strange politicians. \
',' \
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. \
		-- Herbert Hoover \
',' \
C\'est magnifique, mais ce n\'est pas la guerre! \
	[It is magnificent, but it is not war] \
		-- Pierre Bosquet, witnessing the charge of the Light Brigade \
',' \
"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception." \
		-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 \
',' \
Canada Post doesn\'t really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It\'s 2 cents \
for postage and 30 cents for storage. \
		-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post \
',' \
Census Taker to Housewife: \
Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? \
',' \
Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted \
in January, 1966, "I\'m not very keen for doves or hawks.  I think we need \
more owls." \
		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" \
',' \
Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. \
',' \
Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner.  His job \
is to enforce the law and fight crime. \
		-- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan \
',' \
Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. \
		-- Alfred E. Newman \
',' \
Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It \
eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the \
business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." \
		-- Johnny Hart \
',' \
Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland. \
',' \
Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than \
we deserve. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder \
aloud what the country could do under first-class management. \
		-- Senator Soaper \
',' \
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the \
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. \
		-- G.B. Shaw \
',' \
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you \
don\'t think. \
',' \
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who \
will get the blame. \
		-- Laurence J. Peter \
',' \
Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse. \
		-- Jawaharlal Nehru \
',' \
Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. \
		-- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 \
',' \
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people \
are right more than half of the time. \
		-- E. B. White \
',' \
Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other \
forms that have been tried from time to time. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for \
the people. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the board. \
Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. \
',' \
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.  Politics is about \
surviving until Friday afternoon. \
		-- Sir Humphrey Appleby \
',' \
Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. \
		-- Daniele Vare \
',' \
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. \
		-- Wynn Catlin \
',' \
Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. \
		-- Balfour \
',' \
Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. \
',' \
Don\'t be humble ... you\'re not that great. \
		-- Golda Meir \
',' \
Don\'t mind him; politicians always sound like that. \
',' \
Don\'t steal... the IRS hates competition! \
',' \
Don\'t suspect your friends -- turn them in! \
		-- "Brazil" \
',' \
Don\'t talk to me about naval tradition.  It\'s nothing but rum, sodomy and \
the lash. \
	-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
Don\'t vote -- it only encourages them! \
',' \
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders \
has been discontinued. \
',' \
Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs \
in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a \
university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two \
3x4 snapshots, and a good tax record. \
',' \
Each person has the right to take the subway. \
',' \
Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United \
States we really shouldn\'t complain -- it\'s still only two cents a day. \
 \
	[and getting better!  Soon it\'ll be down to a penny a day!] \
',' \
Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper? \
',' \
Every country has the government it deserves. \
		-- Joseph De Maistre \
',' \
Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn\'t so! \
But you do have to understand body language to know when they\'re lying and \
when they aren\'t. \
 \
	When a politician rubs his nose, he isn\'t lying. \
	When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn\'t lying. \
	When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn\'t lying. \
	When his mouth starts moving, that\'s when he\'s lying! \
',' \
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, \
no one we know belongs. \
',' \
Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit \
of justice is no virtue. \
		-- Barry Goldwater \
',' \
Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim. \
		-- George Santayana \
',' \
Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the \
former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. \
 \
Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and \
reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space.  In those days, spirits \
were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women \
and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures \
from Alpha Centauri.  And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty \
deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus \
was the Empire forged. \
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy" \
',' \
Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. \
Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. \
		-- Joe Orton, "Loot" \
',' \
Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. \
		-- H.S. Thompson \
',' \
First rule of public speaking. \
	First, tell \'em what you\'re goin\' to tell \'em; \
	then tell \'em; \
	then tell \'em what you\'ve tole \'em. \
',' \
For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. \
This gives me great hope for the human race. \
		-- Harlan Ellison \
',' \
Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws \
of nature! \
		-- G.B. Shaw \
',' \
Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. \
		-- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" \
',' \
Free Speech Is The Right To Shout \'Theater\' In A Crowded Fire. \
		-- A Yippie Proverb \
',' \
Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. \
',' \
Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. \
		-- Camus \
',' \
Freedom is slavery. \
Ignorance is strength. \
War is peace. \
		-- George Orwell \
',' \
Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one. \
',' \
Freedom\'s just another word for nothing left to lose. \
		-- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee" \
',' \
"... gentlemen do not read each other\'s mail." \
		-- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down \
		   the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National \
		   Security Agency. \
',' \
Gentlemen, \
	Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the \
approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been \
diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship \
from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. \
	We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, \
and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty\'s Government holds \
me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and \
spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted \
for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. \
	Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains \
unaccounted for in one infantry battalion\'s petty cash and there has been \
a hideous confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to \
one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain.  This \
reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, \
since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise \
to you gentlemen in Whitehall. \
	This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request \
elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty\'s Government so that I \
may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. \
I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as \
given below.  I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but \
I cannot do both: \
	1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the \
benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: \
	2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. \
		-- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, \
		   London, 1812 \
',' \
George Orwell 1984.  Northwestern 0. \
		-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 \
',' \
George Orwell was an optimist. \
',' \
George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to \
have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. \
		-- Ashley Cooper \
',' \
Give all orders verbally.  Never write anything down that might go into a \
"Pearl Harbor File". \
',' \
"Give me enough medals, and I\'ll win any war." \
		-- Napoleon \
',' \
Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and \
car keys to teenage boys. \
	-- P.J. O\'Rourke \
',' \
God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to \
receive it. \
		-- Austin O\'Malley \
',' \
Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of \
those who govern.  The machinery of government is always subordinate to the \
will of those who administer that machinery.  The most important element of \
government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. \
		-- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" \
',' \
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. \
',' \
Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?   \
Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": \
 \
	1-800-AUDITME \
',' \
Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish.  Don\'t overdo it. \
		-- Lao Tsu \
',' \
Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. \
		-- John Updike, "Couples" \
',' \
Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies. \
',' \
Government spending?  I don\'t know what it\'s all about.  I don\'t know \
any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he \
doesn\'t know much. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
	Graduating seniors, parents and friends... \
	Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up \
to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness. \
	The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the \
text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism. \
	Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured \
the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to \
expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic. \
	Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric \
perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed \
denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. \
 \
	Thank you and good luck. \
		-- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor\'s graduation speech. \
',' \
Great Moments in History: #3 \
 \
August 27, 1949: \
	A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the \
	Women\'s Air Corp.  It was a WAC\'s Museum. \
',' \
	Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the \
Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives.  A popular \
story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was \
roused by his wife crying, "Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the \
house." \
	"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe, \
but not in the House." \
',' \
Grub first, then ethics. \
		-- Bertolt Brecht \
',' \
Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender.  You stand convicted of \
sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. \
		-- Tobias Smollet \
',' \
Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it \
appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, \
and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels?  Then let us \
not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its \
incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. \
		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" \
',' \
Have you noticed the way people\'s intelligence capabilities decline \
sharply the minute they start waving guns around? \
		-- Dr. Who \
',' \
He didn\'t run for reelection.  "Politics brings you into contact with all \
the people you\'d give anything to avoid," he said. "I\'m staying home." \
		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days" \
',' \
He is the best of men who dislikes power. \
		-- Mohammed \
',' \
He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. \
',' \
He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. \
		-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" \
',' \
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry \
attacks democracy itself. \
		-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS \
',' \
He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will be the greatest \
benefactor the world has yet known. \
		-- Sir Richard Burton \
',' \
He who slings mud generally loses ground. \
		-- Adlai Stevenson \
',' \
He\'s just a politician trying to save both his faces... \
',' \
Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.  From where the \
sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. \
		-- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce \
',' \
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. \
',' \
History has much to say on following the proper procedures.  From a history \
of the Mexican revolution: \
	"Hidalgo was later defeated at Guadalajara.  The rebel army was \
captured on its way through the mountains.  All were courtmartialed and \
shot, except Hidalgo, because he was a priest.  He was handed over to \
the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the \
army where he was then executed." \
',' \
History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). \
',' \
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. \
		-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" \
',' \
History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, \
periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them \
asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at \
intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another...  Truly the imago \
state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. \
		-- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" \
',' \
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have \
exhausted all other alternatives. \
		-- Abba Eban \
',' \
How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? \
		-- Charles de Gaulle \
',' \
How is the world ruled, and how do wars start?  Diplomats tell lies to \
journalists, and they believe what they read. \
		-- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" \
',' \
I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend \
than be one. \
		-- Clarence Darrow \
',' \
I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves \
for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice.  To be a man \
is to suffer for others. \
		-- Cesar Chavez \
',' \
I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. \
		-- A. Ward \
',' \
I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. \
		-- Jay Gould \
',' \
I don\'t care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to \
run their own business.  I know men that would make my wife a better \
husband than I am; but, darn it, I\'m not going to give her to \'em. \
		-- The Best of Will Rogers \
',' \
"I don\'t care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating." \
		-- Boss Tweed \
',' \
I don\'t like the Dutchman.  He\'s a crocodile.  He\'s sneaky.  I don\'t trust him. \
		-- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference \
		   with Dutch Schultz. \
 \
I don\'t trust Legs.  He\'s nuts.  He gets excited and starts pulling a \
trigger like another guy wipes his nose. \
		-- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with \
		   "Legs" Diamond. \
',' \
I don\'t mind what Congress does, as long as they don\'t do it in the \
streets and frighten the horses. \
		-- Victor Hugo \
',' \
I DON\'T THINK I\'M ALONE when I say I\'d like to see more and more planets \
fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. \
		-- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he\'d \
		   just shot. \
',' \
I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. \
		-- Augustus Caesar \
',' \
I have a dream.  I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,  \
the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to \
sit down together at the table of brotherhood. \
		-- Martin Luther King, Jr. \
',' \
I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice \
my wife\'s brother. \
		-- Artemus Ward \
',' \
I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes to Imperialism, \
he catches it in a very acute form. \
		-- Winston Churchill, 1903 \
',' \
I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth \
and they never believe me. \
		-- Camillo Di Cavour \
',' \
I have gained this by philosophy: \
that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law. \
		-- Aristotle \
',' \
I have never understood this liking for war.  It panders to instincts \
already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment. \
		-- Alan Bennett \
',' \
I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... \
		-- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World \
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote \
peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want peace so much \
that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them \
have it. \
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower \
',' \
I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a congressman. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
I needed the good will of the legislature of four states.  I formed the \
legislative bodies with my own money.  I found that it was cheaper that way. \
		-- Jay Gould \
',' \
I never deny, I never contradict.  I sometimes forget. \
		-- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the \
		   Royal Family \
',' \
I never vote for anyone.  I always vote against. \
		-- W.C. Fields \
',' \
I owe the government $3400 in taxes.  So I sent them two hammers and a \
toilet seat. \
		-- Michael McShane \
',' \
I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as \
the greatest of dangers to be feared.  To preserve our independence, we must \
not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt.  If we run into such debts, we \
must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, \
in our labor and in our amusements.  If we can prevent the government from \
wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they \
will be happy. \
		-- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
I pledge allegiance to the flag \
of the United States of America \
and to the republic for which it stands, \
one nation, \
indivisible, \
with liberty \
and justice for all. \
		-- Francis Bellamy, 1892 \
',' \
I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. \
		-- Cicero \
 \
Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. \
		-- Poor Richard \
',' \
I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern.  I realize that the \
whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional \
congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we \
can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the plumber. \
 \
But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such as \
this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of the world \
hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never win large cash \
journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually write about, such as \
nose-picking. \
		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against \
		   Political Fallout" \
',' \
I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope \
they do get \'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay \'em. \
		-- The Best of Will Rogers \
',' \
I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to \
the south.  We could never understand why Mexico wasn\'t just crazy about \
us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. \
		-- The Best of Will Rogers \
',' \
I steal. \
		-- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board \
 \
Easy.  I own Chicago.  I own Miami.  I own Las Vegas. \
		-- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living \
',' \
I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and \
tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are \
fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country \
are fed up with being sick and tired.  I\'m certainly not, and I\'m sick and \
tired of being told that I am! \
		-- Monty Python \
',' \
I think the world is run by C students. \
		-- Al McGuire \
',' \
I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. \
		-- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt\'s safari \
',' \
I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. \
		-- Bill Veeck \
',' \
I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. \
		-- Judge Harold T. Stone \
',' \
I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. \
		-- Woodrow Wilson \
',' \
I used to be a rebel in my youth. \
 \
This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed \'em ALL!  But I learned. \
Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own \
problems.  So I lost interest in politics.  Now when I feel aroused by \
a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it\'s just a device. \
I go to my analyst and we work it out.  You have no idea how much better \
I feel these days. \
		-- J. Feiffer \
',' \
I want to be the white man\'s brother, not his brother-in-law. \
		-- Martin Luther King, Jr. \
',' \
I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued \
endangered species.  It\'s all very well to celebrate the practicality of \
pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of \
bricks and mortar.  But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an \
excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically \
critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud \
the earth. \
		Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing" \
',' \
I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold.  A thief is \
anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or \
breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody.  He really \
gives some effort to it.  A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum.  He \
works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot. \
Why, after I\'d made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work \
for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun.  They offered me \
two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed.  I \
was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line.  But \
I wouldn\'t consider it.  "I\'m a thief," I said.  "I\'m no lousy hoodlum." \
		-- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" \
',' \
I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.  I \
asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a \
robber. \
		-- Tiburcio Vasquez \
',' \
I wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when he came to town, \
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. \
		-- Jack Handley \
',' \
I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in \
understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, \
our tasks will be solved. \
		-- Warren G. Harding \
',' \
I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word \'fair\' in connection \
with income tax policies. \
		-- William F. Buckley \
',' \
I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one. \
		-- Marcus Procius Cato \
',' \
I would rather be a serf in a poor man\'s house and be above ground than \
reign among the dead. \
		-- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91 \
',' \
I\'d like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the \
whole field to private industry. \
		-- Joseph Heller \
',' \
"I\'ll carry your books, I\'ll carry a tune, I\'ll carry on, carry over, \
carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, \
I\'ll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun." \
		-- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H \
',' \
"I\'ll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. \
That will *prove* I\'m Robin Hood." \
		-- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] \
',' \
I\'m going to Vietnam at the request of the White House.  President Johnson \
says a war isn\'t really a war without my jokes. \
		-- Bob Hope \
',' \
"I\'m not stupid, I\'m not expendable, and I\'M NOT GOING!" \
',' \
I\'m proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is \
-- I could be just as proud for half the money. \
		-- Arthur Godfrey \
',' \
"I\'m willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people\'s lives." \
',' \
I\'ve always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers. \
',' \
If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; \
and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it \
will lose that, too. \
		-- W. Somerset Maugham \
',' \
If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal \
purposes. \
		-- J. Edgar Hoover \
',' \
If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal faster. \
		-- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" \
',' \
If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it\'s still a foolish thing. \
		-- Bertrand Russell \
',' \
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with \
green, baggy skin. \
',' \
If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate. \
		-- Jerry Dreshfield \
',' \
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital, \
it would have been much better. \
		-- Karl Marx\'s Mother \
',' \
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, \
he should see how bad it is with representation. \
',' \
If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they \
will take sandwiches. \
		-- Lord Boyd-orr \
 \
Eats first, morals after. \
		-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" \
',' \
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? \
',' \
If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. \
		-- Robert Frost \
',' \
If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream \
and never be our destiny. \
		-- Ren\'e de Visme Williamson \
',' \
If the government doesn\'t trust the people, why doesn\'t it dissolve them \
and elect a new people? \
',' \
"If the King\'s English was good enough for Jesus, it\'s good enough for me!" \
		-- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) \
',' \
If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, what a living the poor \
could make! \
',' \
If they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don\'t like \
his necktie. \
		-- Attorney General William Saxbe \
',' \
If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.  If not voting \
could change the system, it would be illegal. \
',' \
If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system. \
',' \
If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. \
		-- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting" \
',' \
If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it, \
and involve others in our doom. \
		-- Samuel Adams \
',' \
If we won\'t stand together, we don\'t stand a chance. \
',' \
If you don\'t strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. \
		-- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking \
',' \
"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you\'re going to \
have to get a toehold in the public eye." \
',' \
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it \
will always do it. \
		-- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin \
',' \
If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is \
make the rubble bounce. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. \
		-- Graham Summer \
',' \
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year \
with it in your pockets, and all that don\'t get wet you can keep. \
		-- The Best of Will Rogers \
',' \
If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined \
them up end to end in a row, you\'d be working for the government! \
		-- Mr. Interesting \
',' \
If you want to understand your government, don\'t begin by reading the \
Constitution.  It conveys precious little of the flavor of today\'s \
statecraft.  Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone \
directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles \
beginning with the word "National." \
		-- George Will \
',' \
If you wants to get elected president, you\'se got to think up some \
memoraboble homily so\'s school kids can be pestered into memorizin\' \
it, even if they don\'t know what it means. \
		-- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" \
',' \
If your hands are clean and your cause is just and your demands are \
reasonable, at least it\'s a start. \
',' \
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. \
		-- Robert Orben \
 \
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. \
		-- Jack Paar \
',' \
Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. \
		-- Genji \
',' \
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. \
		-- Jack Paar \
',' \
In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that\'s just one \
of the risks he takes. \
		-- Adlai Stevenson \
',' \
In an orderly world, there\'s always a place for the disorderly. \
',' \
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools \
will be temporarily canceled. \
',' \
In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. \
		-- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery \
',' \
In Dr. Johnson\'s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last \
resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but \
inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; in life the recourse \
of the powerless is petty theft. \
',' \
In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn\'t speak up because \
I wasn\'t a Communist.  Then they came for the Jews, and I didn\'t speak up \
because I wasn\'t a Jew.  Then they came for the trade unionists, and I \
didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a trade unionist.  Then they came for the \
Catholics, and I didn\'t speak up because I was a Protestant.  Then they came \
for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up. \
		-- Pastor Martin Niemoller \
',' \
In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, \
murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci \
and the Renaissance.  In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had \
five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? \
The cuckoo-clock. \
		-- Orson Welles, "The Third Man" \
',' \
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence \
is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy of \
assassination. \
		-- John Diefenbaker \
',' \
In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. \
		-- Lenny Bruce \
',' \
In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take \
my advice. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
In war it is not men, but the man who counts. \
		-- Napoleon \
',' \
In war, truth is the first casualty. \
		-- U Thant \
',' \
... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves \
smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat.  It is \
not a children\'s pastime like mere highway robbery. \
		-- Stephen Crane \
',' \
Individualists unite! \
',' \
Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory. \
		-- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery \
',' \
Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. \
',' \
	Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family \
often doesn\'t have a legacy to stand on. \
',' \
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. \
		-- Martin Luther King, Jr. \
',' \
Interesting poll results reported in today\'s New York Post: people on the \
street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US \
invasion of Grenada.  Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; \
and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?" \
		-- David Letterman \
',' \
Interfere?  Of course we should interfere!  Always do what you\'re \
best at, that\'s what I say. \
		-- Doctor Who \
',' \
It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan \
which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, \
insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather \
than be the instrument of his army\'s downfall. \
		-- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought" \
',' \
It got to the point where I had to get a haircut or both feet firmly \
planted in the air. \
',' \
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. \
',' \
It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, and weight \
yourself down with invisible chains. \
',' \
It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. \
',' \
It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its \
proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a \
better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat \
your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of \
attention, the harder the task. \
		-- Sydney J. Harris \
',' \
It is easier to fight for one\'s principles than to live up to them. \
		-- Alfred Adler \
',' \
It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination \
of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends... \
		-- Russell Baker and Charles Peters \
',' \
It is impossible to defend perfectly against the attack of those who want \
to die. \
',' \
It is like saying that for the cause of peace, God and the Devil will \
have a high-level meeting. \
		-- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon\'s China trip \
',' \
It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged \
to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the \
youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one\'s uncles. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether \
the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the \
man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and \
blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who \
knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a \
worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that \
he\'ll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory \
or defeat. \
		-- Teddy Roosevelt \
',' \
It is now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? \
		-- Elizabeth Carpenter \
',' \
It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a \
sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate \
in all times and situations.  They presented him the words: "And this, \
too, shall pass away." \
		-- Abraham Lincoln \
',' \
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better \
still to be a live lion.  And usually easier. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of \
one\'s life and then come round. \
		-- Lord Alfred Douglas \
',' \
It seems a little silly now, but this country was founded as a protest \
against taxation. \
',' \
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. \
',' \
It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card \
may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada \
military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said \
the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces.  One soldier found \
a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army \
officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the \
Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. \
		-- Aviation Week and Space Technology \
',' \
"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one\'s country.  The \
Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital lies." \
		-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" \
',' \
It was the Law of the Sea, they said.  Civilization ends at the waterline. \
Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. \
		-- Hunter S. Thompson \
',' \
It\'s a good thing we don\'t get all the government we pay for. \
',' \
It\'s a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it\'s a depression \
when you lose yours. \
		-- Harry S. Truman \
',' \
	"It\'s a summons." \
	"What\'s a summons?" \
	"It means summon\'s in trouble." \
		-- Rocky and Bullwinkle \
',' \
It\'s getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the first \
thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to kill somebody. \
		-- Dorothy L. Sayers, "Gaudy Night" \
',' \
It\'s important that people know what you stand for. \
It\'s more important that they know what you won\'t stand for. \
',' \
It\'s no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how \
to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. \
		-- George Burns \
',' \
It\'s the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which raises \
the fear that it may not be long before we\'re paying somebody not to. \
		-- Franklin P. Jones \
',' \
	Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has \
been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. \
	"Why me?"  whines the boy.  "Three years ago I carried the flag \
when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was \
Andropov\'s turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin.  Why is \
it always me, teacher?" \
	"Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher \
explains. \
		-- being told in Poland, 1987 \
',' \
Join in the new game that\'s sweeping the country.  It\'s called "Bureaucracy". \
Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do anything loses. \
',' \
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, exciting people, and kill them. \
',' \
Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, meet exciting interesting people, \
and kill them. \
',' \
Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions \
seldom black or white.  Beware of the solution that requires one side to be \
totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner.  The reason \
there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all \
the facts.  Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is \
not acting from political motivation.  Rather, he is acting from a deep \
sense of respect for the whole truth. \
		-- Stephen R. Schwambach \
',' \
Keep your laws off my body! \
',' \
Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A. \
',' \
L\'etat c\'est moi. \
	[I am the state.] \
		-- Louis XIV \
',' \
Law stands mute in the midst of arms. \
		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero \
',' \
Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they\'re MY laws! \
',' \
Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what \
is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and \
smaller -- and there are many more of them. \
		-- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" \
',' \
Let no guilty man escape. \
		-- U.S. Grant \
',' \
Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. \
		-- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania \
',' \
Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate. \
		-- John F. Kennedy \
',' \
Liberty don\'t work as good in practice as it does in speeches. \
	-- The Best of Will Rogers \
',' \
Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. \
		-- Harry Emerson Fosdick \
',' \
Life is a concentration camp.  You\'re stuck here and there\'s no way \
out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out \
the right thing to do.  Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, \
but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the \
right thing to do and what is the right way to do it.  That is the problem. \
But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of \
bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. \
This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects \
their desires, they\'re ready to buy, they\'re ready to spend, it is a thing \
that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously \
just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even \
a panacea so alleged. \
		-- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government \
		been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to \
		the recession?" \
',' \
Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won\'t. \
',' \
Love America -- or give it back. \
',' \
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into \
the smallest amount of thoughts." \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
Majorities, of course, start with minorities. \
		-- Robert Moses \
',' \
Man is a military animal, glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. \
		-- P.J. Bailey \
',' \
Man is by nature a political animal. \
		-- Aristotle \
',' \
Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. \
		-- George M. Cohan \
',' \
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. \
',' \
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it. \
',' \
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. \
',' \
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
Most people want either less corruption or more of a chance to \
participate in it. \
',' \
Mr. Salter\'s side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. \
When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was \
wrong, "Up to a point." \
	"Let me see, what\'s the name of the place I mean?  Capital of Japan? \
Yokohama isn\'t it?" \
	"Up to a point, Lord Copper." \
	"And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn\'t it?" \
	"Definitely, Lord Copper." \
		-- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop" \
',' \
My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty \
nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, \
instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at \
a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at \
the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which \
turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain \
that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were \
just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that. \
		-- Hunter S. Thompson \
',' \
"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think \
of saying, except in a desperate case.  It is like saying "My mother, \
drunk or sober." \
		-- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant" \
',' \
My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, beautifully \
co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much is going on. \
		-- J.F. Kennedy \
',' \
My father was a saint, I\'m not. \
		-- Indira Gandhi \
',' \
My folks didn\'t come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet \
the boat. \
',' \
My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, \
and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable.  ...  We should be \
reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent \
to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not \
we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, \
slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point \
from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now \
would be to deny our history, our capabilities. \
		-- James A. Michener \
',' \
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe?  Everything he \
	  says is wrong. \
GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says \
	  will be right. \
		-- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" \
',' \
National security is in your hands - guard it well. \
',' \
Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. \
It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. \
		-- William Pitt, 1783 \
',' \
Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. \
		-- Napoleon \
',' \
Nemo me impune lacessit. \
	[No one provokes me with impunity] \
		-- Motto of the Crown of Scotland \
',' \
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. \
		-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" \
',' \
Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.\'s deal. \
		-- John Dillinger \
',' \
"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon." \
',' \
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying \
as an income tax refund. \
		-- F. J. Raymond \
',' \
Nihilism should commence with oneself. \
',' \
No man\'s ambition has a right to stand in the way of performing a simple \
act of justice. \
		-- John Altgeld \
',' \
No matter whether th\' constitution follows th\' flag or not, th\' supreme \
court follows th\' iliction returns. \
		-- Mr. Dooley \
',' \
No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it \
all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly \
the functions he is competent to.  It is by dividing and subdividing these \
republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it \
ends in the administration of every man\'s farm by himself; by placing under \
every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best. \
		-- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816 \
',' \
No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good \
intentions.  He had money as well. \
		-- Margaret Thatcher \
',' \
Nobody shot me. \
		-- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police \
		who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint \
		Valentine\'s Day Massacre. \
 \
Only Capone kills like that. \
		-- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine\'s Day Massacre \
 \
The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. \
		-- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine\'s Day Massacre \
',' \
Nobody takes a bribe.  Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out \
your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that\'s \
different. \
		-- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. \
		   O\'Brien, instructions to the force. \
',' \
Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
 \
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as \
satisfying as an income tax refund. \
		-- F.J. Raymond \
',' \
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. \
		-- Andrew Young \
',' \
Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant \
to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is \
so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a \
personality. \
		-- Soren Kierkegaard \
',' \
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. \
',' \
"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of  \
normal routines, for children and adults alike." \
		-- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" \
',' \
"Nuclear war would really set back cable." \
		-- Ted Turner \
',' \
O\'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the \
thumb hidden and the four fingers extended. \
	"How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?" \
	"Four." \
	"And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- then how many?" \
	"Four." \
	The word ended in a gasp of pain. \
		-- George Orwell \
',' \
Oh, I don\'t blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I\'d \
be irresponsible, too. \
		-- Lichty & Wagner \
',' \
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do. \
',' \
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only \
nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter \
what it does. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
Once is happenstance, \
Twice is coincidence, \
Three times is enemy action. \
		-- Auric Goldfinger \
',' \
	Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his \
time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea.  One day, \
in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make \
dolphins live forever! \
	Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass \
produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was \
only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird.  Carried \
away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and \
steal one of these birds. \
	Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was \
escaping from its cage.  The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began \
combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down \
on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. \
	Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his \
bird.  He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he \
stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his \
car.  Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for \
transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. \
',' \
Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear.  The peasants \
were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was \
to become a Royal Knight.  This required an interview with the bear.  If \
the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot.  If not, the bear would \
just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw.  However, the family \
of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful \
sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable \
possession.  And the moral of the story is: \
  \
The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that \
hit you. \
',' \
Once you\'ve seen one nuclear war, you\'ve seen them all. \
',' \
One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day. \
',' \
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to \
do and always a clever thing to say. \
		-- Will Durant \
',' \
One organism, one vote. \
',' \
One planet is all you get. \
',' \
One seldom sees a monument to a committee. \
',' \
Only two kinds of witnesses exist.  The first live in a neighborhood where \
a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything \
or even heard a shot.  The second category are the neighbors of anyone who \
happens to be accused of the crime.  These have always looked out of their \
windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing \
peacefully on his balcony a few yards away. \
		-- Sicilian police officer \
',' \
Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the \
local Army National Guard base.  He recently received a substational cash \
award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning. \
His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year \
by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own, \
home-made, hand-held model. \
 \
Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit \
to the Pentagon free of charge: \
 \
	(a) Don\'t kill anybody. \
	(b) Don\'t build things that do. \
	(c) And don\'t pay other people to kill anybody. \
 \
We expect annual savings to be in the billions. \
		-- Sojourners \
',' \
Our sires\' age was worse that our grandsires\'. \
We their sons are more worthless than they: \
so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. \
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) \
',' \
Our swords shall play the orators for us. \
		-- Christopher Marlowe \
',' \
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. \
		-- General Omar N. Bradley \
',' \
Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. \
		-- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell \
 \
In Dr. Johnson\'s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last \
resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but \
inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
 \
When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel, \
he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform. \
		-- Sen. Roscoe Conkling \
 \
Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. \
		-- Boies Penrose \
',' \
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
Peace is much more precious than a piece of land... let there be no more wars. \
		-- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981 \
',' \
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election. \
		-- Otto Von Bismarck \
',' \
People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction \
rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. \
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith \
',' \
People that can\'t find something to live for always seem to find something to \
die for.  The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for it too. \
',' \
People usually get what\'s coming to them ... unless it\'s been mailed. \
',' \
People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world \
citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time. \
		-- Norman Cousins \
',' \
Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would \
behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in \
order to get power we would have to become very much like them.  (Lenin\'s \
fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.) \
',' \
Persistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit in political \
leaders. \
		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC \
',' \
Pilfering Treasury property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are \
ruthless in punishing little thieves. \
		-- Diogenes \
',' \
Poland has gun control. \
',' \
Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to \
teach children. \
		-- W.H. Auden \
',' \
Political speeches are like steer horns.  A point here, a point there, \
and a lot of bull inbetween. \
		-- Alfred E. Neuman \
',' \
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell \
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. \
',' \
Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even \
where there is no river. \
	-- Nikita Khrushchev \
',' \
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. \
		-- Arthur C. Clarke \
',' \
Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have \
been, and never will be wrong. \
		-- Walter Dwight \
',' \
Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign \
funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. \
		-- Oscar Ameringer \
',' \
Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without \
greatness.  Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics. \
		-- Albert Camus \
',' \
Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous.  In war, \
you can only be killed once. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
Politics is not the art of the possible.  It consists in choosing \
between the disastrous and the unpalatable. \
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith \
',' \
Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next \
week, next month and next year.  And to have the ability afterwards to \
explain why it didn\'t happen. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. \
		-- Amy Gorin \
',' \
Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the \
systematic organisation of hatreds. \
		-- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams" \
',' \
Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to the \
reformers of error. \
		-- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
Populus vult decipi. \
	[The people like to be deceived.] \
',' \
Post proelium, praemium. \
	[After the battle, the reward.] \
',' \
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. \
',' \
Poverty begins at home. \
',' \
Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor \
people. \
		-- Don Herold \
',' \
Power corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat. \
		-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987 \
',' \
Power is poison. \
',' \
Power is the finest token of affection. \
',' \
Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. \
		-- Lord Acton \
',' \
Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. \
		-- Henry Adams \
',' \
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and \
forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. \
',' \
Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. \
		-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" \
',' \
Question authority. \
',' \
QUESTION AUTHORITY. \
 \
(Sez who?) \
',' \
Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until they\'re changed or \
help speed the change by breaking them? \
',' \
Remember folks.  Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. \
		-- Jim Samuels \
',' \
"Remember, if it\'s being done correctly, here or abroad, it\'s ___not the U.S. \
Army doing it!" \
		-- Good Morning VietNam \
',' \
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western \
	Civilization? \
Gandhi:	I think it would be a good idea. \
',' \
Reunite Gondwondaland! \
',' \
Rev. Jim:	What does an amber light mean?                                  \
Bobby:		Slow down. \
Rev. Jim:	What...   does...  an...  amber...  light...  mean? \
Bobby:		Slow down. \
Rev. Jim:	What....     does....     an....     amber....     light.... \
',' \
"Rights" is a fictional abstraction.  No one has "Rights", neither machines \
nor flesh-and-blood.  Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they \
use or do not use. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
Rule the Empire through force. \
		-- Shogun Tokugawa \
',' \
Sauron is alive in Argentina! \
',' \
Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency. \
		-- Richard Nixon \
',' \
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. \
',' \
Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? \
	[Who guards the Guardians?] \
',' \
Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed \
in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If this is the way Queen \
Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn\'t deserve to have \
any." \
',' \
Serfs up! \
		-- Spartacus \
',' \
Shah, shah!  Ayatollah you so! \
',' \
Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken \
him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an excess of \
stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. \
		-- Samuel Johnson \
',' \
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. \
		-- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet \
',' \
Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised \
when others believe him. \
		-- Charles DeGaulle \
',' \
Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! \
',' \
[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the \
vices I admire. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when \
a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent \
songs.  I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as \
those without might see and hear.  They told a tale which was then altogether \
beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep, \
breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest \
anguish.  Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God \
for deliverance from chains. \
		-- Frederick Douglass \
',' \
So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course \
of action.  Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a \
friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth \
could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could \
use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- \
for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible \
the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to \
extrapolate the location of their kitchens). \
		-- Theodore Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost" \
',' \
... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those \
who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, \
and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious \
and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. \
		-- Voltarine de Cleyre \
',' \
So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. \
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) \
',' \
Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. \
		-- Woodie Guthrie \
',' \
	Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees \
on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert \
Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of \
employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of \
farmers in America." \
		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" \
',' \
Stamp out organized crime!!  Abolish the IRS. \
',' \
	Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas.  Five years later? \
Six?  It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that \
never comes again.  San Fransisco in the middle sixties was a very special time \
and place to be a part of.  Maybe it meant something.  Maybe not, in the long \
run...  There was madness in any direction, at any hour.  If not across the \
Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda...  You could \
strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we \
were doing was right, that we were winning... \
	And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory \
over the forces of Old and Evil.  Not in any mean or military sense; we didn\'t \
need that. Our energy would simply prevail.  There was no point in fighting \
-- on our side or theirs.  We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest \
of a high and beautiful wave.  So now, less than five years later, you can go \
up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes \
you can almost ___see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally \
broke and rolled back. \
		-- Hunter S. Thompson \
',' \
Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, when the greatest \
warriors are the ones who stand for peace. \
',' \
Support your local police force -- steal!! \
',' \
Support your right to arm bears!! \
',' \
Support your right to bare arms! \
		-- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association \
',' \
Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!  Just type \
in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving \
the room is punishable under law: \
 \
Name \
# \
',' \
Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. \
		-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service \
',' \
Take your Senator to lunch this week. \
',' \
TANSTAAFL \
',' \
Tax reform means "Don\'t tax you, don\'t tax me, tax that fellow behind \
the tree." \
		-- Russell Long \
',' \
Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself \
out of the market. \
',' \
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. \
',' \
Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. \
		-- Napoleon I \
',' \
That government is best which governs least. \
		-- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience" \
',' \
That\'s where the money was. \
		-- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank \
 \
It\'s a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. \
		-- Willie Sutton \
',' \
... The Anarchists\' [national] anthem is an international anthem that \
consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune \
of "Camptown Races".  Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to \
listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. \
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist\'s Almanac" \
',' \
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. \
		-- Bill Murray \
',' \
The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use \
in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the \
Declaration not for that, but for future use. \
		--  Abraham Lincoln \
',' \
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. \
',' \
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any \
reward. \
		-- John Maynard Keynes \
',' \
The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. \
To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. \
		-- Nietzsche \
',' \
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. \
',' \
The Constitution may not be perfect, but it\'s a lot better than what we\'ve got! \
',' \
The control of the production of wealth is the control of human life itself. \
		-- Hilaire Belloc \
',' \
The Crown is full of it! \
		-- Nate Harris, 1775 \
',' \
The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.  Every class \
is unfit to govern. \
		-- Lord Acton \
',' \
The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons. \
		-- F. Dostoyevski \
',' \
The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in the grim \
hours between midnight and dawn.  Hangmen and politicians work best when \
the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. \
		-- Russell Baker \
',' \
The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; \
naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man \
really clever who has not found that he is stupid. \
		-- Gilbert K. Chesterson \
',' \
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. \
		-- Buckminster Fuller \
',' \
The eyes of taxes are upon you. \
',' \
The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not \
utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, \
a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. \
		-- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929 \
',' \
The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn\'t necessarily \
endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or \
compassion. \
		-- Saul Alinsky \
',' \
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. \
',' \
The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept \
outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms.  That is to \
say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth, \
so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists \
so long as they are Tories. \
		-- Christopher Booker \
',' \
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. \
		-- Abbie Hoffman \
',' \
The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused \
received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities. \
',' \
	The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical inner \
workings of the U.S. Air Force. \
	"$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked. \
	In his head he ran through his standard explanations.  "It\'s not so," \
he thought.  "It\'s a deterrent."  Soon he came up with, "It\'s computerized, \
Senator.  Tiny computer chips make coffee that\'s smooth and full-bodied.  Try \
a cup." \
	The Senator did.  "Pfffttt!  Tastes like jet fuel!" \
	"It\'s not so," the General thought.  "It\'s a deterrent." \
	Then he remembered something.  "We bought a lot of untested computer \
chips," the General answered.  "They got into everything.  Just a little \
mix-up.  Nothing serious." \
	Then he remembered something else.  It was at the site of the \
mysterious B-1 crash.  A strange smell in the fuel lines.  It smelled like \
coffee.  Smooth and full bodied... \
		-- Another Episode of General\'s Hospital \
',' \
The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the \
people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people \
drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. \
		-- Gore Vidal \
',' \
The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out to be a \
bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won\'t work and they can\'t \
fire it. \
',' \
The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. \
Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people \
and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping. \
',' \
The graveyards are full of indispensable men. \
		-- Charles de Gaulle \
',' \
The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men \
of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. \
		-- Justice Louis D. Brandeis \
',' \
The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers is to refuse to \
move an inch from where they stood. \
',' \
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty \
deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the \
author\'s name on the title page. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 \
',' \
The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality \
of functions performed by private citizens. \
		-- Alexis de Tocqueville \
',' \
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf \
has.  Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don\'t know \
when it\'s through if you are a crook or a martyr. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; \
the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. \
		-- Churchill \
',' \
The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling the \
whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without affecting \
the most important political institutions. ...  The new style, gradually \
gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into manners and customs, \
and from it ... goes on to attack laws and constitutions, displaying the \
utmost impudence, until it ends by overturning everything. \
		-- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C. \
',' \
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free \
information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax \
tip is that you should print neatly.  If you ask them a real tax question, \
such as how you can cheat, they\'re useless. \
 \
So, for guidance, you want to look to big business.  Big business never pays \
a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer \
organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... \
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" \
',' \
The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free. \
		-- Henry David Thoreau \
',' \
The Least Successful Executions \
	History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. \
The first performed in Sydney in Australia.  In 1803 three attempts were \
made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels.  On the first two of these the rope \
snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he \
and everyone else got bored.  Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital \
punishment, he was reprieved. \
	The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who \
tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each \
occasion failed to get the trap door open. \
	In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted \
Lee\'s sentence to "life" imprisonment.  He was released in 1917, emigrated \
to America and lived until 1933. \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
The Least Successful Police Dogs \
	America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking \
schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida \
in 1978.  He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or \
offend the criminal classes. \
	His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won\'t go up \
and bite them.  I got sick and tired of doing that dog\'s work for him." \
	The British contenders in this category, however, took things a \
stage further.  "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug \
raids.  Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in \
1967. \
	While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they \
patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the \
fire.  When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at \
him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh. \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. \
		-- Kin Hubbard \
',' \
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won\'t get much sleep. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as \
we could with both of them." \
		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" \
',' \
The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.  The \
terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.  The \
man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. \
		-- Alan Ashley-Pitt \
',' \
The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President.  All he has \
to do is get up every morning and say, "How\'s the President?" \
		-- Will Rogers \
 \
The vice-presidency ain\'t worth a pitcher of warm spit. \
		-- Vice President John Nance Garner \
',' \
The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, \
while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. \
		-- Wilhelm Stekel \
',' \
	The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all \
students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school \
graduation. \
	Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society\'s \
recognition of the sanctity of human life." \
	According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, \
1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm."  Their \
"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year.  But as a "family \
farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. \
	Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of \
Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers."  You \
probably call them road signs, but then you don\'t work in a government agency. \
	It\'s not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore.  Now it\'s "chrono- \
logically experienced citizens." \
	According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn\'t break off, it was \
just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." \
		-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) \
',' \
The Moral Majority is neither. \
',' \
The more control, the more that requires control. \
',' \
The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. \
',' \
The new Congressmen say they\'re going to turn the government around.  I \
hope I don\'t get run over again. \
',' \
The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". \
',' \
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. \
		-- David Gerrold \
',' \
The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don\'t go to a war, \
and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." \
		-- Celine \
',' \
The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be \
addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified.  But it is equally \
important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not \
expecting everyone else to adapt to one\'s own preferences.  Only then can \
we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing \
true distaste. \
		-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners\' Guide to Excruciatingly \
		   Correct Behavior" \
',' \
The politician is someone who deals in man\'s problems of adjustment. \
To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. \
		-- Buckminster Fuller \
',' \
The price of greatness is responsibility. \
',' \
The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday \
they might force their beliefs on us. \
		-- Mario Cuomo \
',' \
The primary theme of SoupCon is communication.  The acronym "LEO" \
represents the secondary theme: \
 \
	Law Enforcement Officials \
 \
The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: \
 \
	Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials \
		-- M. Gallaher \
',' \
The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that \
for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good \
requires intent. \
',' \
The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty for \
incompetence. \
',' \
The public demands certainties;  it must be told definitely and a bit \
raucously that this is true and that is false.  But there are no certainties. \
		-- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice" \
',' \
The public is an old woman.  Let her maunder and mumble. \
		-- Thomas Carlyle \
',' \
The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but \
because it gave pleasure to the spectators. \
		-- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England" \
',' \
The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president?  What is it \
about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that \
you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste? \
		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" \
',' \
The revolution will not be televised. \
',' \
"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests \
and to his imagination for his facts." \
		-- Sheridan \
',' \
The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. \
		-- Lewis Carroll \
',' \
The scum also rises. \
		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson \
',' \
The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations \
of the victors.  History is written by the survivors. \
		-- Max Lerner \
',' \
The time for action is past!  Now is the time for senseless bickering. \
',' \
The time was the 19th of May, 1780.  The place was Hartford, Connecticut. \
The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of \
Judgement Day.  For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by \
mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age, \
men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came. \
The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session.  And, as some of \
the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the \
Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet.  He silenced \
them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or \
it is not.  If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment.  If it is, I \
choose to be found doing my duty.  I wish therefore that candles may be \
brought." \
		-- Alistair Cooke \
',' \
The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians \
who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool \
all of the people all of the time. \
		-- Franklin Adams \
',' \
The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. \
		-- G.B. Shaw \
',' \
The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic.  It showed that \
two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated \
by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. \
		-- I.F. Stone \
',' \
The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.  It cannot be \
ruled by interfering. \
		-- Chinese proverb \
',' \
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.  Instead of \
altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their \
views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the \
facts that needs altering. \
		-- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" \
',' \
"The wages of sin are death; but after they\'re done taking out taxes, \
it\'s just a tired feeling:" \
',' \
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and \
incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. \
		-- Emo Philips \
',' \
The world\'s great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great \
scholars great men. \
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes \
',' \
The Worst Bank Robbery \
	In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of \
Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors.  They \
had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, \
sheepishly left the building. \
	A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of \
robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.  When they demanded \
5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it \
was a practical joke. \
	Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor \
clutching his ankle.  The other two tried to make their getaway, but got \
trapped in the revolving doors again. \
',' \
The Worst Prison Guards \
	The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a \
maximum security prison is 124.  This record is held by Alcoente Prison, \
near Lisbon in Portugal. \
	During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison \
warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which \
included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity \
of electric cable had disappeared.  A guard explained, "Yes, we were \
planning to look for them, but never got around to it."  The warders had \
not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were \
"covered with posters".  Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels, \
water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities. \
The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36 \
prisoners in his block only 13 were present.  He said this was "normal" \
because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back \
the next morning. \
	"We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when \
one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later.  [...]  When they \
eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol\'s \
population was missing.  By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr. \
Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the \
"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty." \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
There appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowding \
induces violence. \
		-- Harvey Wheeler \
',' \
There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. \
		-- The Duke of Wellington \
',' \
There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and \
taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. \
		-- shades \
',' \
There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." \
And one says, "This is new, and therefore better" \
		-- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" \
',' \
There but for the grace of God, goes God. \
		-- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps. \
',' \
There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. \
		-- Ralph Nader \
',' \
There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full. \
		-- Henry Kissinger \
',' \
There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion. \
		-- Anatole France \
',' \
There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. \
		-- Arthur C. Clarke \
',' \
There is Jackson standing like a stone wall.  Let us determine to die, \
and we will conquer.  Follow me. \
		-- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA) \
',' \
There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party \
is not capable; for in politics there is no honour. \
		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey" \
',' \
There is no education that is not political.  An apolitical \
education is also political because it is purposely isolating. \
',' \
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. \
		-- G.B. Shaw \
',' \
There is no security on this earth.  There is only opportunity. \
		-- General Douglas MacArthur \
',' \
There is not a man in the country that can\'t make a living for himself and \
family.  But he can\'t make a living for them *and* his government, too, \
the way his government is living.  What the government has got to do is \
live as cheap as the people. \
		-- The Best of Will Rogers \
',' \
There is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist -- \
the taxidermist leaves the hide. \
		-- Mortimer Caplan \
',' \
There is only one way to kill capitalism -- by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. \
		-- Karl Marx \
',' \
There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which \
it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. \
		-- James Boswell \
',' \
There never was a good war or a bad peace. \
		-- B. Franklin \
',' \
There\'s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government \
working for you. \
		-- Will Rogers \
',' \
There\'s nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead \
armadillos. \
		-- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner \
',' \
They call them "squares" because it\'s the most complicated shape they can \
deal with. \
',' \
"They make a desert and call it peace." \
		-- Tacitus (55?-120?) \
',' \
They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the \
system from within.  I\'m coming now I\'m coming to reward them.  First \
we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. \
 \
I\'m guided by a signal in the heavens.  I\'m guided by this birthmark on \
my skin.  I\'m guided by the beauty of our weapons.  First we take Manhattan, \
then we take Berlin. \
 \
I\'d really like to live beside you, baby.  I love your body and your spirit \
and your clothes.  But you see that line there moving through the station? \
I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. \
	-- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" \
',' \
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary \
safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." \
		-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 \
',' \
They use different words for things in America. \
For instance they say elevator and we say lift. \
They say drapes and we say curtains. \
They say president and we say brain damaged git. \
		-- Alexie Sayle \
',' \
They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. \
		-- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads. \
',' \
They\'re giving bank robbing a bad name. \
		-- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde \
',' \
Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become \
their property that they may more perfectly respect it. \
		-- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" \
',' \
This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, \
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... \
',' \
	Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of \
legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. \
	As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it.  I \
am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane.  But we \
will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior \
a sort of Dorian Gray facade.  Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn \
politicians. \
	The disease is fatal.  There is no known cure.  The most we can do \
for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. \
From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily \
led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to \
bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson\'s disease.  I don\'t \
have it this morning.  It comes and goes.  This morning I don\'t have Hunter \
Thompson\'s disease. \
		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt \
		from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut\'s review of "Fear and \
		Loathing: On the Campaign Trail \'72" \
',' \
"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics." \
		-- French Proverb \
',' \
Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty \
Often have a share in their misfortunes. \
		-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" \
',' \
Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the \
world is love.  The poor know that it is money. \
		-- Gerald Brenan \
',' \
Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are \
men who want rain without thunder and lightning.  They want the ocean \
without the roar of its many waters. \
		-- Frederick Douglass \
',' \
To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North \
Star.  As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. \
		-- Confucius \
',' \
To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You". \
',' \
To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of \
confidence. \
		-- Andrew Young \
',' \
To think contrary to one\'s era is heroism.  But to speak against it is madness. \
		-- Eugene Ionesco \
',' \
To use violence is to already be defeated. \
		-- Chinese proverb \
',' \
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. \
',' \
Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available \
briefcases. \
		-- Governor Jerry Brown \
',' \
Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. \
',' \
Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. \
		-- Charles DeGaulle \
',' \
True leadership is the art of changing a group from what it is to what \
it ought to be. \
		-- Virginia Allan \
',' \
Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers \
in heavy weather for several days.  I was serving on the lead battleship and \
was on watch on the bridge as night fell.  The visibility was poor with patchy \
fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. \
	Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, \
"Light, bearing on the starboard bow." \
	"Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out. \
	Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous \
collision course with that ship. \
	The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on \
a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees." \
	Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees." \
	In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I\'m a Captain, change course 20 \
degrees!" \
	"I\'m a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change \
course 20 degrees." \
	By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I\'m a \
battleship, change course 20 degrees." \
	Back came the flashing light: "I\'m a lighthouse!" \
	We changed course. \
		-- The Naval Institute\'s "Proceedings" \
',' \
"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." \
 \
(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) \
		-- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) \
',' \
Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a \
just man is also a prison. \
		-- Henry David Thoreau \
',' \
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some \
ordinance under which you can be booked. \
		-- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. \
',' \
Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under communism, it\'s just the opposite. \
		-- J.K. Galbraith \
',' \
Under every stone lurks a politician. \
		-- Aristophanes \
',' \
United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the Christmas \
season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military \
forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of \
every persuasion.  Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time \
low over the world. \
		-- Isaac Asimov \
',' \
Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime \
between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20.  The flag is described as red, white \
and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40. \
		-- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987 \
',' \
Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out \
twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. \
		-- H. L. Mencken \
',' \
Usually, when a lot of men get together, it\'s called a war. \
		-- Mel Brooks, "The Listener" \
',' \
Veni, vidi, vici. \
	[I came, I saw, I conquered]. \
		-- Gaius Julius Caesar \
',' \
Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen \
at all.  The conscientious historian will correct these defects. \
		-- Herodotus \
',' \
Victory uber allies! \
',' \
"Violence accomplishes nothing."  What a contemptible lie!  Raw, naked \
violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method \
ever employed.  Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the \
issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges? \
',' \
Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade. \
',' \
Violence is molding. \
',' \
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. \
		-- Salvor Hardin \
',' \
Vote anarchist. \
',' \
War doesn\'t prove who\'s right, just who\'s left. \
',' \
War hath no fury like a non-combatant. \
		-- Charles Edward Montague \
',' \
War is an equal opportunity destroyer. \
',' \
War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. \
		-- Desiderius Erasmus \
',' \
War is like love, it always finds a way. \
		-- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage" \
',' \
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. \
		-- Clemenceau \
',' \
War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable. \
',' \
War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. \
		-- Anacreon \
',' \
[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for the people -- the big, \
the bland and the banal. \
		-- Ada Louise Huxtable \
',' \
Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. \
',' \
We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean \
the same thing. \
		-- A. Lincoln \
',' \
We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others. \
',' \
We are all worms.  But I do believe I am a glowworm. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. \
		-- Calvin Coolidge \
',' \
We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we\'ve borrowed it from \
our children. \
',' \
... we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not \
we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up \
in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of \
the past. \
		-- Joseph Wood Krutch \
',' \
We should be glad we\'re living in the time that we are.  If any of us had been \
born into a more enlightened age, I\'m sure we would have immediately been taken \
out and shot. \
		-- Strange de Jim \
',' \
We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were \
taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things \
themselves. \
		-- John Locke \
',' \
We should have a Vollyballocracy.  We elect a six-pack of presidents. \
Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. \
		-- Dennis Miller \
',' \
We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible. \
We\'ve done so much, for so long, with so little, \
that we are now qualified to do something with nothing. \
',' \
We totally deny the allegations, and we\'re trying to identify the allegators. \
',' \
We tried to close Ohio\'s borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. \
There\'s a provision in the Constitution that says you can\'t close your \
borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce. \
		-- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard \
',' \
We\'ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel \
a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
Well, don\'t worry about it...  It\'s nothing. \
		-- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information \
		   Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph \
		   Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be \
		   at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles \
		   per hour, December 7, 1941. \
',' \
Well, he didn\'t know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, \
to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. \
		-- Laurie Anderson \
',' \
What a strange game.  The only winning move is not to play. \
		-- WOP, "War Games" \
',' \
What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to \
win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? \
In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded \
that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil\'s view, the \
simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life.  First, a \
base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done.  Second, \
a period of national uneasiness about America\'s place in the scheme of human \
activities must exist.  Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses \
the national attention upon the direction to proceed.  Finally, an articulate \
and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with \
words and action the great thing to be accomplished.  The motivation of young \
Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of \
conditions. ...  The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John \
Kennedys appear.  We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they, \
and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward. \
		-- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt \
',' \
"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that we \
wouldn\'t have a fat, insensitive government running our country. Nice try \
anyway, George." \
		-- D.J. on KSFO/KYA \
',' \
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. \
',' \
What is status? \
	Status is when the President calls you for your opinion. \
 \
Uh, no... \
	Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a \
	problem with him. \
 \
Uh, that still ain\'t right... \
	STATUS is when you\'re in the Oval Office talking to the President, \
	and the phone rings.  The President picks it up, listens for a \
	minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It\'s for you." \
',' \
What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? \
		-- Bertold Brecht \
',' \
What is the sound of one hand clapping? \
',' \
What orators lack in depth they make up in length. \
',' \
What we need is either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. \
',' \
What\'s a cult?  It just means not enough people to make a minority. \
		-- Robert Altman \
',' \
When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public \
property. \
		-- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID\'s, social collapse is not \
far away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space travel \
is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. \
		-- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" \
',' \
When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see \
the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes.  The dog has certain \
relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. \
		-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" \
',' \
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before \
the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." \
		-- Vine Deloria, Jr. \
',' \
When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced \
to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. \
		-- Brendan Behan \
',' \
When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity \
for him.  All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough. \
		-- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" \
',' \
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now \
I\'m beginning to believe it. \
		-- Clarence Darrow \
',' \
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. \
',' \
When neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of men \
live content. \
		-- Niccolo Machiavelli \
',' \
When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy. \
		-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" \
',' \
When some people decide it\'s time for everyone to make big changes, \
it means that they want you to change first. \
',' \
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. \
',' \
When the government bureau\'s remedies don\'t match your problem, you modify \
the problem, not the remedy. \
',' \
When the revolution comes, count your change. \
',' \
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is \
not hereditary. \
		-- Thomas Paine \
',' \
When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn\'t find \
anyone.  Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, \
two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge.  Never in the \
history of war have so few been led by so many. \
		-- General James Gavin \
',' \
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve \
people who weren\'t smart enough to get out of jury duty. \
		-- Norm Crosby \
',' \
When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. \
		-- Harry Truman \
',' \
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. \
		-- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war \
',' \
When you live in a sick society, just about everything you do is wrong. \
',' \
When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that \
you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. \
		-- Otto Von Bismarck \
',' \
When you\'re in command, command. \
		-- Admiral Nimitz \
',' \
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to \
see it tried on him personally. \
		-- Abraham Lincoln \
',' \
Where the system is concerned, you\'re not allowed to ask "Why?". \
',' \
Where you stand depends on where you sit. \
		-- Rufus Miles, HEW \
',' \
Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we have? \
',' \
Why can\'t you be a non-conformist like everyone else? \
',' \
Why don\'t somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? \
We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether \
we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a \
pet coon.  This would be a great world to dance in if we didn\'t have to \
pay the fiddler. \
		-- The Best of Will Rogers \
',' \
	Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in \
vain to claim a rebate.  His numerous letters and queries remained \
unanswered.  Eventually the form for the next year\'s return arrived.  In \
the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government \
-- $40,000." \
',' \
	... with liberty and justice for all ... who can afford it. \
',' \
With reasonable men I will reason; \
with humane men I will plead; \
but to tyrants I will give no quarter. \
		-- William Lloyd Garrison \
',' \
Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your chairs. \
',' \
World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century since \
H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil thing on \
earth than race prejudice, none at all.  I write deliberately -- it is \
the worst single thing in life now.  It justifies and holds together more \
baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of error in the world." \
		-- Sydney Harris \
',' \
World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code! \
',' \
	"Wrong," said Renner. \
	"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with \
the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.\'" \
',' \
You can have peace.  Or you can have freedom. Don\'t ever count on having \
both at once. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The \
short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which \
means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation \
expert to distinguish between their first and last names.  Here\'s the \
complete text: \
 \
"(1) How much did you make?  (AMOUNT) \
(2) How much did we here at the government take out?  (AMOUNT) \
(3) Hey!  Sounds like we took too much!  So we\'re going to \
     send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF \
     THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) \
     household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way \
     you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST \
     NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" \
 \
The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your \
money.  So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" \
',' \
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, \
bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. \
		-- Aristophanes \
',' \
You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property \
and services if it is not specifically exempt.  Report property (goods) \
and services at their fair market values.  Examples include income from \
bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent \
paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.), \
cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services, \
gambling, prizes and awards.  Not reporting such income can lead to \
prosecution for perjury and fraud. \
		-- Excerpt from Taxachussetts income tax forms \
',' \
You roll my log, and I will roll yours. \
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca \
',' \
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for \
freedom and liberty. \
		-- Henrik Ibsen \
',' \
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 \
A:	Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy \
Q:	Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? \
',' \
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 \
A:	The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. \
Q:	What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? \
',' \
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 \
A:	To be or not to be. \
Q:	What is the square root of 4b^2? \
',' \
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 \
A:	Dr. Livingston I. Presume. \
Q:	What\'s Dr. Presume\'s full name? \
',' \
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 \
A:	Chicken Teriyaki. \
Q:	What is the name of the world\'s oldest kamikaze pilot? \
',' \
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 \
A:	Go west, young man, go west! \
Q:	What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? \
',' \
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 \
A:	The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. \
Q:	Name two families whose kids won\'t join the Marines. \
',' \
Knock, knock! \
	Who\'s there? \
Sam and Janet. \
	Sam and Janet who? \
Sam and Janet Evening... \
',' \
Knucklehead:	"Knock, knock" \
Pee Wee:	"Who\'s there?" \
Knucklehead:	"Little ol\' lady." \
Pee Wee:	"Liddle ol\' lady who?" \
Knucklehead:	"I didn\'t know you could yodel" \
',' \
Q:	"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic \
	existentialist?" \
A:	"Is there a dog?" \
',' \
Q:	Are we not men? \
A:	We are Vaxen. \
',' \
Q:	Do you know what the death rate around here is? \
A:	One per person. \
',' \
Q:	Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn\'t spell? \
A:	He spent the night in a warehouse. \
',' \
Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? \
A:	When his lips move. \
',' \
Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence? \
A:	Seemed logical -- I didn\'t have any real intelligence. \
',' \
Q:	How do you catch a unique rabbit? \
A:	Unique up on it! \
 \
Q:	How do you catch a tame rabbit? \
A:	The tame way! \
',' \
Q:	How do you keep a moron in suspense? \
',' \
Q:	How do you know when you\'re in the <ethnic> section of Vermont? \
A:	The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. \
',' \
Q:	How do you play religious roulette? \
A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets \
	struck by lightning first. \
',' \
Q:	How do you save a drowning lawyer? \
A:	Throw him a rock. \
',' \
Q:	How do you shoot a blue elephant? \
A:	With a blue-elephant gun. \
 \
Q:	How do you shoot a pink elephant? \
A:	Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with \
	a blue-elephant gun. \
',' \
Q:	How do you stop an elephant from charging? \
A:	Take away his credit cards. \
',' \
Q:	How does a hacker fix a function which \
	doesn\'t work for all of the elements in its domain? \
A:	He changes the domain. \
',' \
Q:	How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American? \
A:	Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of \
	speech, but under the United States constitution they are \
	guaranteed freedom after speech. \
		-- being told in Poland, 1987 \
',' \
Q:	How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? \
A:	That\'s proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment \
	of license fee (binary only). \
',' \
Q:	How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? \
A:	Two.  One to assure everyone that everything possible is being \
	done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. \
',' \
Q:	How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \
A:	Five.  One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the \
		experience.  (Actually, Californians don\'t screw in \
		lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) \
 \
Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? \
A:	Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all \
		those Californians trying to share the experience. \
',' \
Q:	How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \
A:	Only one, but he gets three credits for it. \
',' \
Q:	How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? \
A:	Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. \
 \
Q:	How long does it take? \
A:	It\'s indeterminate. \
	It will depend upon how many flats they\'ve brought with them. \
 \
Q:	What happens if you\'ve got TWO flats? \
A:	They replace your generator. \
',' \
Q:	How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? \
A:	Four.  Two in the front, two in the back. \
 \
Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? \
A:	There\'s a footprint in the mayo. \
 \
Q:	How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? \
A:	There\'s two footprints in the mayo. \
 \
Q:	How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? \
A:	The door won\'t shut. \
 \
Q:	How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? \
A:	There\'s a VW Bug in your driveway. \
',' \
Q:	How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \
A:	Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb \
	itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective \
	reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a \
	maudlin cosmos of nothingness. \
',' \
Q:	How many gradual (sorry, that\'s supposed to be "graduate") students \
	does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \
A:	"I\'m afraid we don\'t know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my \
	advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer\'s money, and I\'m sure he \
	can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the \
	credit for answering this incredibly vital question." \
',' \
Q:	How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? \
A:	None.  We\'ll fix it in software. \
 \
Q:	How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? \
A:	None.  The application can work around it. \
 \
Q:	How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? \
A:	None.  We\'ll document it in the manual. \
 \
Q:	How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? \
A:	None.  The user can figure it out. \
',' \
Q:	How many Harvard MBA\'s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \
A:	Just one.  He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. \
',' \
Q:	How many IBM 370\'s does it take to execute a job? \
A:	Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. \
',' \
Q:	How many IBM CPU\'s does it take to do a logical right shift? \
A:	33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. \
',' \
Q:	How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? \
A:	Fifteen.  One to do it, and fourteen to write document number \
	GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, \
	of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally \
	left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... \
	consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". \
',' \
Q:	How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \
A:	Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring \
	light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot \
	to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for \
	reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break \
	the bulb in the first place. \
',' \
Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? \
A:	One.  Only it\'s his light bulb when he\'s done. \
',' \
Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? \
A:	Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the \
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith \
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed \
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed \
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of \
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating \
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of \
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the \
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the \
parties. \
	The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be \
limited to, the following.  The party of the first part shall, with or without \
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other \
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party \
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered \
non-negotiable.  Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part \
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall \
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner \
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. \
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part \
shall have the option of beginning installation.  Aforesaid installation shall \
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in \
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation \
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. \
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the \
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to \
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. \
',' \
Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? \
A:	You won\'t find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if \
	you\'re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... \
',' \
Q:	How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb? \
A:	I\'ll have to get back to you on that. \
',' \
Q:	How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \
A:	One and a half. \
',' \
Q:	How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \
A:	None:  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. \
',' \
Q:	How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \
A:	One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem \
	to the earlier joke. \
',' \
Q:	How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a \
	light bulb? \
A:	Seven.  Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in \
	the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send \
	Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he\'ll immediately claim \
	that he\'s a doctor, not an electrician).  Scotty, after checking \
	around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains \
	that he "canna" see in the dark.  Kirk will make an emergency stop at \
	the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb \
	from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. \
	Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers \
	beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply \
	killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. \
	As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, \
	Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must \
	warp out of orbit.  Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon \
	and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have \
	just saved the natives\' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been \
	given all lightbulbs they can carry.  The new bulb is then inserted \
	and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. \
',' \
Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? \
A:	Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those \
	Californians trying to share the experience. \
',' \
Q:	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? \
A:	Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has \
	to really want to change. \
',' \
Q:	How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? \
A:	None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. \
',' \
Q:	How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? \
A:	Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub \
	with brightly colored machine tools. \
 \
	[Surrealist jokes just aren\'t my cup of fur.  Ed.] \
',' \
Q:	How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb? \
A:	One. \
',' \
Q:	How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? \
A:	None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out \
	of the way. \
',' \
Q:	How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? \
A:	2 bits. \
',' \
Q:	How was Thomas J. Watson buried? \
A:	9 edge down. \
',' \
Q:	Know what the difference between your latest project \
	and putting wings on an elephant is? \
A:	Who knows?  The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... \
',' \
Q:	Minnesotans ask, "Why aren\'t there more pharmacists from Alabama?" \
A:	Easy.  It\'s because they can\'t figure out how to get the little \
	bottles into the typewriter. \
',' \
Q:	What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? \
A:	"The elephants are coming over the hill." \
 \
Q:	What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing \
		sunglasses? \
A:	Nothing, for he didn\'t recognize them. \
',' \
Q:	What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? \
A:	Stay awake and wonder if there\'s a dog. \
',' \
Q:	What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? \
A:	The very best person they can possibly be. \
',' \
Q:	What do monsters eat? \
A:	Things. \
 \
Q:	What do monsters drink? \
A:	Coke.  (Because Things go better with Coke.) \
',' \
Q:	What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? \
A:	The impossible dream. \
',' \
Q:	What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? \
A:	The same middle name. \
',' \
Q:	What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? \
A:	A dope ring. \
 \
Q:	Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? \
A:	To cover up the valve stem. \
',' \
Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? \
A:	Diyathinkhesaurus. \
 \
Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? \
A:	Diyathinkhesaurus Rex. \
',' \
Q:	What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian? \
A:	Trustworthy. \
',' \
Q:	What do you call a boomerang that doesn\'t come back? \
A:	A stick. \
',' \
Q:	What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? \
A:	Six sick Sikhs (sic). \
',' \
Q:	What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C \
	is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? \
A:	A deep C diva. \
',' \
Q:	What do you call a WASP who doesn\'t work for his father, isn\'t a \
	lawyer, and believes in social causes? \
A:	A failure. \
',' \
Q:	What do you call the money you pay to the government when \
	you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? \
A:	A howdah duty. \
',' \
Q:	What do you call the scratches that you get when a female \
	sheep bites you? \
A:	Ewe nicks. \
',' \
Q:	What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? \
A:	You get someone who makes you an offer that you can\'t understand! \
',' \
Q:	What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? \
A:	An offer you can\'t understand. \
',' \
Q:	What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? \
A:	Not enough sand. \
',' \
Q:	What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? \
A:	Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please! \
',' \
Q:	What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit? \
A:	Will the defendant please rise? \
',' \
Q:	What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? \
A:	A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by \
	a delicious dessert. \
',' \
Q:	What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean? \
A:	It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the \
	Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take \
	the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews. \
',' \
Q:	What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? \
A:	Open other end. \
',' \
Q:	What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? \
A:	A dinner party. \
',' \
Q:	What is green and lives in the ocean? \
A:	Moby Pickle. \
',' \
Q:	What is orange and goes "click, click?" \
A:	A ball point carrot. \
',' \
Q:	What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? \
A:	Open other end. \
',' \
Q:	What is purple and commutes? \
A:	A boolean grape. \
',' \
Q:	What is purple and commutes? \
A:	An Abelian grape. \
',' \
Q:	What is purple and concord the world? \
A:	Alexander the Grape. \
',' \
Q:	What is the difference between a duck? \
A:	One leg is both the same. \
',' \
Q:	What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? \
A:	Yogurt has culture. \
',' \
Q:	What is the sound of one cat napping? \
A:	Mu. \
',' \
Q:	What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? \
A:	A nervous wreck. \
',' \
Q:	What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and \
	plays like a monkey? \
A:	Nothing. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s a light-year? \
A:	One-third less calories than a regular year. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s a WASP\'s idea of open-mindedness? \
A:	Dating a Canadian. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s buried in Grant\'s tomb? \
A:	A corpse. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? \
A:	Chewing gum. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? \
A:	A doberman. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s the contour integral around Western Europe? \
A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! \
 \
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they \
	are removable! \
 \
Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his \
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? \
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism! \
 \
Q:	What is a compact city? \
A:	It\'s a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted \
	policemen! \
		-- Peter Lax \
',' \
Q:	What\'s the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin? \
A:	The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead \
	lawyer in the road? \
A:	There are skid marks in front of the dog. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s the difference between a duck and an elephant? \
A:	You can\'t get down off an elephant. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant? \
A:	About 10 pounds. \
 \
Q:	How do you make them the same? \
A:	Force feed the elephant. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? \
A:	You don\'t have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? \
A:	One less drunk. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? \
A:	The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s the difference between the 1950\'s and the 1980\'s? \
A:	In the 80\'s, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I\'d \
	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, \
	"and some cigarettes." \
',' \
Q:	What\'s the difference between USL and the Titanic? \
A:	The Titanic had a band. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? \
A:	A canary with the super-user password. \
',' \
Q:	What\'s yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? \
A:	Zorn\'s Lemon. \
',' \
Q:	Where\'s the Lone Ranger take his garbage? \
A:	To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! \
 \
Q:	What\'s the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? \
A:	Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant... \
',' \
Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton\'s Mountain? \
A:	Lawn Boy. \
',' \
Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? \
A:	To impress Jodie Foster. \
',' \
Q:	Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? \
A:	Because he was hungry. \
',' \
Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road? \
A:	He was giving it last rites. \
',' \
Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road? \
A:	To see his friend Gregory peck. \
 \
Q:	Why did the chicken cross the playground? \
A:	To get to the other slide. \
',' \
Q:	Why did the germ cross the microscope? \
A:	To get to the other slide. \
',' \
Q:	Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? \
A:	He found out what "kimosabe" really means. \
',' \
Q:	Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? \
A:	Because that was her name. \
',' \
Q:	Why did the tachyon cross the road? \
A:	Because it was on the other side. \
',' \
Q:	Why did the WASP cross the road? \
A:	To get to the middle. \
',' \
Q:	Why do ducks have big flat feet? \
A:	To stamp out forest fires. \
 \
Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet? \
A:	To stamp out flaming ducks. \
',' \
Q:	Why do firemen wear red suspenders? \
A:	To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. \
',' \
Q:	Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? \
A:	To prevent the sensible ones from going home. \
',' \
Q:	Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? \
A:	Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? \
	Oh, right, *of course*! \
',' \
Q:	Why do the police always travel in threes? \
A:	One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps \
	an eye on the two intellectuals. \
',' \
Q:	Why do WASPs play golf ? \
A:	So they can dress like pimps. \
',' \
Q:	Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and \
	New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? \
A:	God gave New Jersey first choice. \
',' \
Q:	Why don\'t lawyers go to the beach? \
A:	The cats keep trying to bury them. \
',' \
Q:	Why don\'t Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? \
A:	Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar.  If they drink \
	it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while \
	visiting, they always take three. \
',' \
Q:	Why haven\'t you graduated yet? \
A:	Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted \
	my dissertation to rhyme. \
',' \
Q:	Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? \
A:	You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit \
	gets all the credit. \
',' \
Q:	Why is it that Mexico isn\'t sending anyone to the \'84 summer games? \
A:	Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA. \
',' \
Q:	Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation \
	function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? \
A:	That\'s the Law of Spline Demand. \
',' \
Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States? \
A:	In the United States you can\'t buy anything for zlotys and in \
	Poland you can\'t either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever \
	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. \
		-- being told in Poland, 1987 \
',' \
Q:	Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man \
	soup in a plate? \
A:	\'Cause if you give him a bowl, he\'ll throw it away. \
',' \
Q:	Why was Stonehenge abandoned? \
A:	It wasn\'t IBM compatible. \
',' \
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1. \
',' \
1 Billion dollars of budget deficit		= 1 Gramm-Rudman \
6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears	= Avocado\'s number \
2 pints						= 1 Cavort \
Basic unit of Laryngitis			= The Hoarsepower \
Shortest distance between two jokes		= A straight line \
6 Curses					= 1 Hexahex \
3500 Calories					= 1 Food Pound \
1 Mole						= 007 Secret Agents \
1 Mole						= 25 Cagey Bees \
1 Dog Pound					= 16 oz. of Alpo \
1000 beers served at a Twins game		= 1 Killibrew \
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League \
2000 pounds of chinese soup			= 1 Won Ton \
10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes		= 1 Microscope \
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier	= 1 Machturtle \
8 Catfish					= 1 Octo-puss \
365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer.		= 1 Lite-year \
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone			= 1 Rod Serling \
Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies	= 1 Fig-newton \
	to 1 meter per second \
One half large intestine			= 1 Semicolon \
10 to the minus 6th power Movie			= 1 Microfilm \
1000 pains					= 1 Megahertz \
1 Word						= 1 Millipicture \
1 Sagan						= Billions & Billions \
1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety		= 1000 nail-bytes \
10 to the 12th power microphones		= 1 Megaphone \
10 to the 6th power Bicycles			= 2 megacycles \
The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship	= 1 Millihelen \
',' \
(1)	A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. \
(2)	An inclined plane is a slope up. \
(3)	A slow pup is a lazy dog. \
 \
QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. \
		-- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play" \
',' \
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. \
(2) Great generals are forewarned. \
(3) Forewarned is forearmed. \
(4) Four is an even number. \
(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. \
(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. \
	Therefore, all horses are black. \
',' \
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. \
(2) Great generals are forewarned. \
(3) Forewarned is forearmed. \
(4) Four is an even number. \
(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. \
(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. \
 \
Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. \
',' \
(1) Never draw what you can copy. \
(2) Never copy what you can trace. \
(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. \
',' \
(1) X=Y				; Given \
(2) X^2=XY			; Multiply both sides by X \
(3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2		; Subtract Y^2 from both sides \
(4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y)		; Factor \
(5) X+Y=Y			; Cancel out (X-Y) term \
(6) 2Y=Y			; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 \
(7) 2=1				; Divide both sides by Y \
		-- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1 \
',' \
1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it\'s not just a good idea, it\'s \
the law! \
',' \
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. \
',' \
13. ...  r-q1 \
',' \
"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!" \
',' \
	7,140	pounds on the Sun \
	   97	pounds on Mercury or Mars \
	  255	pounds on Earth \
	  232	pounds on Venus or Uranus \
	   43	pounds on the Moon \
	  648	pounds on Jupiter \
	  275	pounds on Saturn \
	  303	pounds on Neptune \
	   13	pounds on Pluto \
 \
		-- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places \
		   in the solar system. \
',' \
A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by \
hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West.  They \
drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and \
found there was no pilot on board.  Terrified, they listened as the sirens \
got louder.  Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an \
experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. \
	He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out.  The sirens \
got louder and louder.  Armed men surrounded the jet.  The would be pilot\'s \
friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!!  Hurry!!!" \
	The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience.  I\'m just a simple \
pole in a complex plane." \
',' \
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. \
',' \
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing \
but together can decide that nothing can be done. \
		-- Fred Allen \
',' \
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. \
		-- Klipstein \
',' \
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. \
',' \
"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch \
dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." \
		-- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" \
',' \
A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist.  He explained \
that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three \
assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster\'s horse would win. \
They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they \
each propose to ensure a win.  When they reconvened the gangster started with \
the engineer: \
	 \
Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got? \
Engineer: Well, I\'ve invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle \
	  blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide \
	  electrical shock to the horse. \
G:	  That\'s very good!  But let\'s hear from the chemist. \
Chemist:  I\'ve synthesized a powerful stimulant that disolves \
	  into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore \
	  cannot be detected in post-race tests. \
G:	  Excellent, excellent!  But I want to hear from the physicist before \
	  I decide what to do.  Physicist?   \
Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... \
',' \
"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book \
The Martian Chronicles?\'  I said, `Yes?\'  He said, `You know where you \
talk about Deimos rising in the East?\'  I said, `Yes?\'  He said `No.\' \
-- So I hit him." \
		-- attributed to Ray Bradbury \
',' \
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. \
		-- P. Erdos \
',' \
A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and \
observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman.  As \
they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump. \
	The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may \
yet save her!!" \
	The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my \
understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water \
from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and \
6 feet high." \
	The engineer says: "I think she\'s sitting in a puddle." \
',' \
A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start, \
and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. \
		-- Leibnitz \
',' \
A pain in the ass of major dimensions. \
		-- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits \
',' \
A physicist is an atom\'s way of knowing about atoms. \
		-- George Wald \
',' \
A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side.  It \
weighs one third of a pound per foot.  On one end hangs a monkey holding a \
banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. \
The banana weighs two ounces per inch.  The rope is as long (in feet) as \
the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) \
is the same as the age of the monkey\'s mother.  The combined age of the \
monkey and its mother is thirty years.  One half of the weight of the monkey, \
plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the \
weight and the weight of the rope.  The monkey\'s mother is half as old as \
the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she \
she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother \
will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice \
as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it \
was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was \
when it was one fourth as old as it is now.  How long is the banana? \
',' \
A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and \
making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually \
die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. \
		-- Max Planck \
',' \
A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness \
of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving \
water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in conciousness \
of this necessary reorganization of our lives. \
 \
It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the \
recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the \
ground. \
		-- J.W.N. Sullivan \
',' \
A Severe Strain on the Credulity \
	As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the \
highest parts of the earth\'s atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard\'s rocket \
is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the \
multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt... \
for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its \
flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the \
charges it then might have left.  Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in \
Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not \
know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something \
better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to \
lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. \
		-- New York Times Editorial, 1920 \
',' \
A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. \
		-- Prof. Steiner \
',' \
A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North \
African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking. \
Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier. \
',' \
A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high \
probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that \
the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. \
Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. \
',' \
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by \
blowing first. \
',' \
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. \
',' \
According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, \
and according to convention, there is an order.  In truth, there are atoms \
and a void. \
		-- Democritus, 400 B.C. \
',' \
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are \
totally worthless. \
',' \
			ACHTUNG!!! \
 \
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy schnappen \
der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken.  Ist nicht \
fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands \
in das pockets.  Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!! \
',' \
Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator will be going in the \
right direction.  Proof by induction: \
 \
N=1.	Trivially true, since both you and the elevator only have one \
	floor to go to. \
 \
Assume true for N, prove for N+1: \
	If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the \
	induction hypothesis.  If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you \
	and the elevator have only one choice, namely down.  Therefore, \
	it is true for all N+1 floors. \
QED. \
',' \
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. \
',' \
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found \
on the bench. \
',' \
	After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years \
in the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they would \
finally find and enter the Promised Land.  With him, he brought his \
favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do \
assorted camp chores. \
	The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and, \
as the months passed, became very fond of him.  Patriarchs took to \
discussing abtruse theological problems with him, and each evening the \
children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed. \
Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was \
ending, he abruptly wore out.  Even Feghoot couldn\'t console them. \
	"It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend \
Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it.  He must be properly \
interred.  We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians.  Nor have we wood for \
a coffin.  But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah\'s own \
cattle.  We shall bury him in it." \
	Feghoot agreed.  "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." \
	"Rusting?" Moses cried.  "Not in this dreadful dry desert!" \
	"Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not \
realize the full significance of Pharoah\'s oxhide!" \
		-- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand \
		   Feghoot!" \
',' \
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access \
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. \
',' \
After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that \
throws some doubt on Millikan\'s leading role in these experiments.  Harvey \
Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, \
at Millikan\'s suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for \
his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject \
with Millikan.  Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions \
that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in \
Physics Today, June 1982, page 43.  In it, Fletcher claims that he was the \
first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on \
single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil. \
According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on \
the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic \
charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan. \
		-- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles" \
 \
Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really \
precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the  \
Nobel Prize in 1923. \
',' \
After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, \
indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. \
',' \
	Against his wishes, a math teacher\'s classroom was remodeled.  Ever \
since, he\'s been talking about the good old dais.  His students planted a small \
orchard in his honor; the trees all have square roots. \
',' \
Air is water with holes in it. \
',' \
Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. \
',' \
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire \
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New \
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this? \
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they \
receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat." \
',' \
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting \
for a dial tone. \
',' \
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. \
		-- Philippe Schnoebelen \
',' \
All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing \
without thinking. \
',' \
All great discoveries are made by mistake. \
		-- Young \
',' \
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. \
',' \
All laws are simulations of reality. \
		-- John C. Lilly \
',' \
All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. \
		-- Dawkins \
',' \
All power corrupts, but we need electricity. \
',' \
All science is either physics or stamp collecting. \
		-- Ernest Rutherford \
',' \
All seems condemned in the long run to approximate a state akin to \
Gaussian noise. \
		-- James Martin \
',' \
All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. \
',' \
All the evidence concerning the universe has not yet been collected, \
so there\'s still hope. \
',' \
All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists  \
know it. \
		-- Richard P. Feynman \
',' \
Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. \
',' \
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, \
etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these \
things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. \
Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a \
kite in a lighting storm and received a serious electrical shock.  This \
proved that lighting was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also \
damaged Franklin\'s brain so severely that he started speaking only in \
incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny earned." \
Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office. \
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" \
',' \
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. \
',' \
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn\'t work out. \
',' \
Always think of something new; this helps you forget your last rotten idea. \
		-- Seth Frankel \
',' \
Always try to do things in chronological order; it\'s less confusing that way. \
',' \
An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because \
people refuse to see it. \
		-- James Michener, "Space" \
',' \
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize \
winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen.  He was amazed to find that \
over Bohr\'s desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the \
open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not \
let it spill out).  The American said with a nervous laugh, \
	"Surely you don\'t believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck, \
do you, Professor Bohr?  After all, as a scientist --" \
Bohr chuckled. \
	"I believe no such thing, my good friend.  Not at all.  I am \
scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense.  However, I am told \
that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not." \
',' \
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New \
Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not \
new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. \
		-- David Letterman \
',' \
	An architect\'s first work is apt to be spare and clean.  He knows \
he doesn\'t know what he\'s doing, so he does it carefully and with great \
restraint. \
	As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment \
after embellishment occur to him.  These get stored away to be used "next \
time." Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, \
with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, \
is ready to build a second system. \
	This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. \
When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will \
confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, \
and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that \
are particular and not generalizable. \
	The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using \
all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first \
one.  The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile." \
		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" \
',' \
An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you \
really care to know. \
',' \
An economist is a man who would marry Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. \
',' \
An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, in mid-air, on both \
sides of an issue. \
		-- Homer Ferguson \
',' \
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an \
anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt \
already heard.  After some observations and rough calculations the \
engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.  A few minutes later \
the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now \
has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.  This leaves the \
mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he \
was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of \
humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too \
trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. \
',' \
And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that \
black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and \
penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while \
white children begin with a small separation but increase it during \
growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. \
		-- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" \
',' \
And this is a table ma\'am.  What in essence it consists of is a horizontal \
rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, \
which we call legs.  The tables in this laboratory, ma\'am, are as advanced \
in design as one will find anywhere in the world. \
		-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" \
',' \
... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an \
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have \
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old.  Well, I \
haven\'t ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected \
it.  There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between  \
prejudice and postjudice.  Prejudice is making a judgment before you have \
looked at the facts.  Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards.  Prejudice \
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious \
mistakes.  Postjudice is not terrible.  You can\'t be perfect of course; you \
may make mistakes also.  But it is permissible to make a judgment after you \
have examined the evidence.  In some circles it is even encouraged. \
		-- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism" \
',' \
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts \
which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. \
',' \
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. \
',' \
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. \
		-- Arthur C. Clarke \
',' \
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he \
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not \
make messes in the house. \
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" \
',' \
Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time \
as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. \
		-- Philippus Paracelsus \
',' \
"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator." \
		-- Claude Shouse \
 \
"Einstein\'s mother must have been one heck of a physicist." \
		-- Joseph C. Wang \
',' \
Anything cut to length will be too short. \
',' \
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. \
		-- Mickey Mouse \
',' \
Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as \
artificial flowers have to flowers. \
		-- David Parnas \
',' \
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, \
and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a \
scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." \
		-- Matt Cartmill \
',' \
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not \
certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. \
		-- Dave "First Strike" Pare \
',' \
Ask five economists and you\'ll get five different explanations (six if \
one went to Harvard). \
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler \
',' \
At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is \
not.  But obviously it cannot be where it is not.  And if it is where \
it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. \
		-- Zeno\'s paradox of the moving (still?) arrow \
',' \
At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly \
contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre \
or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny \
of all ideas, old and new.  This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep \
nonsense.  Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the \
world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism:  The collective \
enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the \
field on track. \
		-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection" \
',' \
Back in the early 60\'s, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons.  Some \
military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people \
who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. \
Since in those days, only Western Electric  made "data sets" (modems) the \
problems of terminology were all Bell System.  We used to struggle with \
written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people \
(most phones were rotary then.)  Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering \
types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were \
the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote \
the "pound sign."  Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out.  It \
never really caught on. \
',' \
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. \
		-- Tom Lehrer \
',' \
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody\'s ego. \
',' \
Besides the device, the box should contain: \
	* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" \
	* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two \
		club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. \
 \
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. \
 \
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse \
and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can\'t make a car that can get \
all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major \
transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that\'s why." \
 \
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse\'s name is Margaret. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" \
',' \
Between infinite and short there is a big difference. \
		-- G.H. Gonnet \
',' \
Biology grows on you. \
',' \
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing \
as division. \
',' \
Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the \
behavior of numbers.  Just as Einstein observed that space was not an \
absolute, but depended on the observer\'s movement in space, and that \
time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer\'s movement in \
time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend \
on the observer\'s movement in restaurants. \
		-- Douglas Adams \
',' \
But it does move! \
		-- Galileo Galilei \
',' \
But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical \
reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than \
those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. \
		-- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" \
',' \
Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center \
of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation works.  An \
incorrect model can be a useful tool. \
		-- Kelvin Throop III \
',' \
Chapter 2:  Newtonian Growth and Decay \
 \
	The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by \
Isaac Newton\'s famous brother Phigg.  His idea was to provide an equation \
that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never \
quite reach zero.  Historically, he was merely trying to work out his \
mortgage.  Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define \
a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity.  This equation \
can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human \
race in general. \
',' \
Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. \
',' \
Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. \
',' \
Chemistry is applied theology. \
		-- Augustus Stanley Owsley III \
',' \
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. \
',' \
Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that would \
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you \
undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. \
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD\'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER\'S MANUAL \
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN\'T \
YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH \
THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH \
SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS \
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?  AND YOU\'RE JUST NOW STARTING \
TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE \
DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? \
		-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" \
',' \
"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..." \
		-- Professor in the UCB physics department \
',' \
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and \
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn\'t, it ain\'t.  That\'s logic!" \
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" \
',' \
"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of \
marvelous things.  It\'s one thing to be able to say "I\'ve got a theory", \
quite another to say "I\'ve got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can \
claim "I\'ve got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. \
		-- Randy Davis \
',' \
Did you hear that there\'s a group of South American Indians that worship \
the number zero? \
 \
Is nothing sacred? \
',' \
Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have \
only recaptured 116 of them? \
',' \
Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined \
them up end to end, they\'d still point in the wrong direction? \
',' \
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible \
only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors.  Velocity, \
for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. \
',' \
Dinosaurs aren\'t extinct.  They\'ve just learned to hide in the trees. \
',' \
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? \
',' \
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and \
it holds the universe together ... \
		-- Carl Zwanzig \
',' \
E = MC ** 2 +- 3db \
',' \
Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management science, \
telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 21st century aircraft: \
 \
	"The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog.  The pilot will \
	nurture and feed the dog.  The dog will be there to bite the \
	pilot if he touches anything. \
		-- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 \
		   [the *magazine*, silly!] \
',' \
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. \
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith \
',' \
Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy would \
turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I\'m down to mine and it hasn\'t. \
		-- Robert Orben \
',' \
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a \
percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. \
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler \
',' \
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called \
electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been \
drinking.  Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American \
homes is 110 volts per hour.  This is very fast.  In the time it has taken \
you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the \
way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows \
why it would want to. \
 \
The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, \
lightning, static, and European.  Most American homes have alternating \
current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, \
then goes in the other direction.  This prevents harmful electron buildup in \
the wires. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" \
',' \
Elegance and truth are inversely related. \
		-- Becker\'s Razor \
',' \
Elliptic paraboloids for sale. \
',' \
Entropy isn\'t what it used to be. \
',' \
Entropy requires no maintenance. \
		-- Markoff Chaney \
',' \
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which \
otherwise require harder thinking. \
		-- Jerome Lettvin \
',' \
Eureka! \
		-- Archimedes \
',' \
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. \
		-- Don Vonada \
',' \
Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. \
 \
It makes sense, when you don\'t think about it. \
',' \
Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by \
the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he \
sees in it.  I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted. \
		-- Morris Kline \
',' \
Everyone knows that dragons don\'t exist.  But while this simplistic \
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the scientific \
mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned \
with what ____does exist.  Indeed, the banality of existence has been \
so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any further \
here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically, \
discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical, \
and the purely hypothetical.  They were all, one might say, nonexistent, \
but each nonexisted in an entirely different way ... \
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" \
',' \
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
Everything that can be invented has been invented. \
		-- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899 \
',' \
Everything you\'ve learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less \
obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no \
solids in the universe.  There\'s not even a suggestion of a solid. \
There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no \
straight lines. \
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller \
',' \
Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around \
the sun.  At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when \
evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can \
doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact.  That all present \
life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is \
as firmly established as Copernican cosmology.  Biologists differ only with \
respect to theories about how the process operates. \
		-- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".  \
',' \
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. \
',' \
Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. \
',' \
Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof.  There are many examples \
of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, \
but they prevailed with irrefutable data.  More often, egregious findings \
that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts.  I have \
argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness," \
and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of \
neuroscience.  Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid \
handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena \
than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves \
offer more plausible alternatives. \
		-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness: \
		   Implications for Psi Phenomena". \
',' \
Factorials were someone\'s attempt to make math LOOK exciting. \
',' \
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. \
',' \
Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation \
potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally disadvantaged. \
',' \
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. \
		-- Robert Firth \
 \
"One, two, five." \
		-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail \
',' \
Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her \
husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!  My joules!  Someone has stolen my \
joules!" \
 \
"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux \
a moment.  Perhaps they\'re mislead." \
 \
"No, I know they\'re stolen," cried Florence.  "I remember putting them \
in my burette ... We must call a copper." \
 \
Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, \
said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name \
of Lawrence Ium. \
 \
"We must be careful -- he\'s a free radical, ultraviolet, and \
dangerous.  His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium.  Maybe I can \
catch him there."  With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an \
activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... \
		-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" \
',' \
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. \
		-- H. L. Mencken \
',' \
For God\'s sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think! \
',' \
For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. \
',' \
Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of \
the person making the claim, not the critic.  It is not the responsibility \
of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the \
responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals \
or colored lights never healed anyone.  The skeptic\'s role is to point out \
claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidcence and to \
provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with \
the accepted body of scientific evidence. \
		-- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, \
		   No. 2, pg. 215 \
',' \
FORTUNE\'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#1 \
	A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. \
	A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. \
	A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family. \
	A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat \
	    rather then a spotted one. \
	Peanuts are not really nuts.  The majority of nuts grow on trees \
		while peauts grow underground.  They are classified as a \
		legume -- part of the pea family. \
	A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. \
',' \
FORTUNE\'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#44 \
	Zebras are colored with dark stripes on a light background. \
',' \
FORTUNE\'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 \
What to do... \
    if reality disappears? \
	Hope this one doesn\'t happen to you.  There isn\'t much that you \
	can do about it.  It will probably be quite unpleasant. \
 \
    if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time \
    traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? \
	Play this one by the book.  Ask about the stock market and cash in. \
	Don\'t forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your \
	younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox.  If you \
	expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles \
	behind time travel, and possibly schematics.  Never, NEVER, ask \
	when you\'ll die, or if you\'ll marry your current SO. \
',' \
FORTUNE\'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 \
What to do... \
    if you get a phone call from Mars: \
	Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly.  Limit \
	your vocabulary to simple words.  Try to determine if you are \
	speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. \
 \
    if he, she or it doesn\'t speak English? \
	Hang up.  There\'s no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. \
	If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she \
	or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before \
	calling. \
 \
    if you get a phone call from Jupiter? \
	Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, \
	he, she or it is not "life as we know it".  Try to terminate the \
	conversation as soon as possible.  It will not profit you, and the \
	charges may have been reversed. \
',' \
FORTUNE\'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 \
What to do... \
    if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? \
	First of all, do not run after your camera.  You will not have any \
	film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe \
	you anyway.  Be polite.  Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, \
	they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. \
	Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably \
	wanted to land, anyway.  A good road map should help. \
 \
    if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your \
    closet contains an alternate dimension? \
	Don\'t walk in.  You almost certainly will not be able to get back, \
	and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun.  Remain calm \
	and go back to bed.  Close the door first, so that the cat does not \
	wander off.  Check your closet in the morning.  If it still contains \
	an alternate dimension, nail it shut. \
',' \
Friction is a drag. \
',' \
Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. \
',' \
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don\'t, why \
you should. \
',' \
(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, \
"Only one man ever understood me."  He fell silent for a while and then added, \
"And he didn\'t understand me." \
',' \
God doesn\'t play dice. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. \
		-- Kronecker \
',' \
God may be subtle, but he isn\'t plain mean. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, \
and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. \
		-- William Bragg \
',' \
Going the speed of light is bad for your age. \
',' \
Good morning.  This is the telephone company.  Due to repairs, we\'re \
giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely \
at ten o\'clock.  That\'s two minutes from now. \
',' \
Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward?  That\'s the trouble with \
time travel, you never can tell." \
		-- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara" \
',' \
Got Mole problems?  Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. \
',' \
Gravity brings me down. \
',' \
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. \
',' \
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  April 2, 1751 \
 \
Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. \
',' \
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
 \
They laughed at Einstein.  They laughed at the Wright Brothers.  But they \
also laughed at Bozo the Clown. \
		-- Carl Sagan \
',' \
He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent. \
',' \
He:	Let\'s end it all, bequeathin\' our brains to science. \
She:	What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. \
		-- Walt Kelly \
',' \
Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several Guernsey cows? \
It\'s gonna be the herd shot \'round the world. \
',' \
Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. \
		-- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 \
',' \
Heisenberg may have been here. \
',' \
Heisenberg may have slept here... \
',' \
Help fight continental drift. \
',' \
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical \
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your \
hand into a friend\'s mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.  Did you \
notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?  This \
teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never \
use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. \
	It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed \
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects \
that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. \
The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, \
where they form a spark that leaps to your friend\'s filling, then travels \
down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. \
	Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without \
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger \
would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you have \
carpeting. \
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" \
',' \
Hi! How are things going? \
	(just fine, thank you...) \
Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? \
	(you just asked one...) \
Well, how about one more? \
	(one more than the first one?) \
Yes. \
	(you already asked that...) \
[at this point, Alphonso gets smart...	] \
May I ask two questions, sir? \
	(no.) \
May I ask ONE then? \
	(nope...) \
Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? \
	(yes, you may.) \
Sir, how may I ask you a question? \
	(you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for \
	 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that \
	 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the \
	 next one) \
Sir, may I ask nine questions? \
	(go right ahead...) \
',' \
Houston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed. \
		-- Neil Armstrong \
',' \
How can you do \'New Math\' problems with an \'Old Math\' mind? \
		-- Charles Schulz \
',' \
How many weeks are there in a light year? \
',' \
How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere \
else. \
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller \
',' \
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. \
',' \
I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man! \
		-- Paul McCracken \
',' \
I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. \
		-- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics \
',' \
I do hate sums.  There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an \
exact science.  There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds \
entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail \
to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to \
perceive.  For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again \
from the top down, the result is always different. \
		-- Mrs. La Touche \
',' \
I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, \
starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, \
reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one\'s life is to \
devote it to research in mathematics. \
		-- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183 \
',' \
"I don\'t think so," said Ren\'e Descartes.  Just then, he vanished. \
',' \
I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all.  Depth beyond \
depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might \
see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor\'s Show -- a quantity passing \
through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus.  I saw exactly \
why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after \
dinner and I let it go. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
I have a theory that it\'s impossible to prove anything, but I can\'t prove it. \
',' \
	"I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. \
I think very probably he might be cured." \
	"That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. \
	"His brain is affected," said the blind doctor. \
	The elders murmured assent. \
	"Now, what affects it?" \
	"Ah!" said old Yacob. \
	"This," said the doctor, answering his own question.  "Those queer \
things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft \
depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way \
as to affect his brain.  They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and \
his eyelids move, and cosequently his brain is in a state of constant \
irritation and distraction." \
	"Yes?" said old Yacob.  "Yes?" \
	"And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order \
to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical \
operation -- namely, to remove those irritant bodies." \
	"And then he will be sane?" \
	"Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." \
	"Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. \
		-- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" \
',' \
I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. \
		-- Plato \
',' \
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when \
you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. \
		-- Poul Anderson \
',' \
I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres \
and planets.  Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit \
-- around the sun.  If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if \
we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand \
feet for the base. \
 \
And it has advantages.  The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson \
sphere.  We can spin it on its axis for gravity.  A rotation speed of 770 \
m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal.  We wouldn\'t even need to \
roof it over.  Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the \
sun.  Very little air will leak over the edges. \
 \
Lord knows the thing is roomy enough.  With three million times the surface \
area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the \
crowding. \
		-- Larry Niven, "Ringworld" \
',' \
I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. \
		-- Neil Armstrong \
',' \
I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it is only there that \
they might escape the lusts of the flesh. \
		-- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" \
',' \
"I think it is true for all _n.  I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 \
because I couldn\'t remember the proof." \
		-- Baker, Pure Math 351a \
',' \
I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
"I think the sky is blue because it\'s a shift from black through purple \
to blue, and it has to do with where the light is.  You know, the \
farther we get into darkness, and there\'s a shifting of color of light \
into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from \
the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that\'s bouncing \
off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the \
color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on \
out, it\'s the shifting of color.  We mentioned before about the stars \
singing, and that\'s one of the effects of the shifting of colors." \
		-- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club \
',' \
I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." \
I don\'t know what it would be, but I think it\'d be good to hear someone say, \
"Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect." \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for \
paneling. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
I use technology in order to hate it more properly. \
		-- Nam June Paik \
',' \
I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block \
of wax...  and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the \
image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we \
forget or do not know. \
		-- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191 \
  \
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when \
	 referring to image activation and termination.] \
',' \
I\'m often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- \
gence?"  I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, \
and use the word *billions*, and so on.  And then I say it would be astonishing \
to me if there weren\'t extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as \
yet no compelling evidence for it.  And then I\'m asked, "Yeah, but what do you \
really think?"  I say, "I just told you what I really think."  "Yeah, but  \
what\'s your gut feeling?"  But I try not to think with my gut.  Really, it\'s \
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. \
		-- Carl Sagan \
',' \
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. \
		-- Roy Santoro \
',' \
If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast is a \
camel\'s behind. \
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler \
',' \
If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z.  _X is work.  _Y \
is play.  _Z is keep your mouth shut. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. \
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith \
',' \
If all the world\'s economists were laid end to end, we wouldn\'t reach a \
conclusion. \
		-- William Baumol \
',' \
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. \
',' \
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? \
',' \
If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there \
is an exception to every rule.  If we accept "For every rule there is an \
exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception \
after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of \
exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there \
can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception. \
		-- Bill Boquist \
',' \
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? \
',' \
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant\'s footsteps. \
',' \
If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think \
I\'m an engineer working on something. \
		-- S.R. McElroy \
',' \
If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the \
answer can be obtained by simple inspection. \
',' \
If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact, \
proof is necessary. \
		-- Samuel Clemens \
',' \
If it smells it\'s chemistry, if it crawls it\'s biology, if it doesn\'t work \
it\'s physics. \
',' \
If it wasn\'t for Newton, we wouldn\'t have to eat bruised apples. \
',' \
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by \
the page number. \
',' \
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of \
arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical \
world.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by \
the use of the mathematics of probability. \
		-- Vannevar Bush \
',' \
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would \
presumably flunk it. \
		-- Stanley Garn \
',' \
If the facts don\'t fit the theory, change the facts. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, \
we would be so simple we couldn\'t. \
',' \
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make \
something out of you. \
		-- Muhammad Ali \
',' \
"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely." \
',' \
If you analyse anything, you destroy it. \
		-- Arthur Miller \
',' \
If you are smart enough to know that you\'re not smart enough to be an \
Engineer, then you\'re in Business. \
',' \
If you can\'t understand it, it is intuitively obvious. \
',' \
If you haven\'t enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career \
in chartered accountancy beckons. \
		-- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic \
		   Systems course. \
',' \
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won\'t \
get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you\'ll get ice, but no cup. \
',' \
	If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you \
brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- \
up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and \
repeat the sequence.  \
	You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to \
hit that window jamb, that door, that chair.  Get back on course and do it \
again.  How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can\'t find your way around \
your own apartment? \
		-- William S. Burroughs \
',' \
If you steal from one author it\'s plagiarism; if you steal from \
many it\'s research. \
		-- Wilson Mizner \
',' \
If you\'re not part of the solution, you\'re part of the precipitate. \
',' \
Imagination is more important than knowledge. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs. \
',' \
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles. \
',' \
In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between \
frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they \
are all merely transforms of one another.  This combined with \
minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct \
compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can \
lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost.  However, \
this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. \
',' \
IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out \
becoming pure energy. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
In Nature there are neither rewards nor punishments, there are consequences. \
		-- R.G. Ingersoll \
',' \
In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one\'s dimension. \
',' \
"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the \
universe." \
		-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos \
',' \
In science it often happens that scientists say, \'You know that\'s a really \
good argument; my position is mistaken,\' and then they actually change \
their minds and you never hear that old view from them again.  They really \
do it.  It doesn\'t happen as often as it should, because scientists are \
human and change is sometimes painful.  But it happens every day.  I cannot \
recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. \
		-- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address \
',' \
"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian." \
',' \
In specifications, Murphy\'s Law supersedes Ohm\'s. \
',' \
In the beginning there was nothing.  And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" \
And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. \
',' \
	In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by \
the Great Mathamatical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist.  And they grew to \
large numbers and prospered. \
	One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far \
as the eye could see.  So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that \
was to reach up as far as "up" went.  Further and further up they went ... \
until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. \
	The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge \
structure reaching to the heavens.  One by one, the Mathematicians climbed \
out from under the rubble.  It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when \
they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not \
understand each other.  They all spoke different languages.  They all fought \
amongst themselves and each went about their own way.  To this day the \
Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. \
		-- The Story of Babel \
',' \
In the course of reading Hadamard\'s "The Psychology of Invention in the \
Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact \
which we coffee achievers have long appreciated:  no really creative, \
intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee.  On page \
14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare\'s theory of fuchsian groups and \
fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest \
discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..."  Hadamard refers \
to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that \
memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote: \
 \
	"One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and \
	could not sleep.  Ideas rose in crowds;  I felt them collide \
	until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable \
	combination." \
 \
Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom.  Maybe he \
could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever. \
',' \
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  In practice, \
there is. \
',' \
In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain. \
		-- Pliny the Elder \
',' \
	"In this replacement Earth we\'re building they\'ve given me Africa \
to do and of course I\'m doing it with all fjords again because I happen to \
like them, and I\'m old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely \
baroque feel to a continent.  And they tell me it\'s not equatorial enough. \
Equatorial!"  He gave a hollow laugh.  "What does it matter?  Science has \
achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I\'d far rather be happy than \
right any day." \
	"And are you?" \
	"No.  That\'s where it all falls down, of course." \
	"Pity," said Arthur with sympathy.  "It sounded like quite a good \
life-style otherwise." \
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy" \
',' \
Information is the inverse of entropy. \
',' \
Interchangeable parts won\'t. \
',' \
Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac! \
',' \
"Irrationality is the square root of all evil" \
		-- Douglas Hofstadter \
',' \
Is knowledge knowable?  If not, how do we know that? \
',' \
Isn\'t it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction \
listen to weather forecasts and economists? \
		-- Kelvin Throop III \
',' \
Isn\'t it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune \
tellers take economists seriously? \
',' \
"It could be that Walter\'s horse has wings" does not imply that there is \
any such animal as Walter\'s horse, only that there could be; but "Walter\'s \
horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter\'s horse\'s \
existence.  But the conjunction "Walter\'s horse exists, and it could be \
that Walter\'s horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter\'s horse is a \
thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter\'s \
horse has wings by Walter having a different horse.  Nor does "Walter\'s \
horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that \
Walter\'s horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter\'s horse could only \
have wings by not being Walter\'s horse. \
 \
I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P \
then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand \
for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is \
necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a \
better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me. \
		-- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality" \
',' \
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. \
',' \
It is contrary to reasoning to say that there is a vacuum or space in \
which there is absolutely nothing. \
		-- Descartes \
',' \
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, \
as one\'s hat keeps blowing off. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem. \
',' \
It is not every question that deserves an answer. \
		-- Publilius Syrus \
',' \
It is not for me to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence. \
		-- The Earl of Birkenhead \
',' \
It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply \
that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. \
		-- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics" \
',' \
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to \
mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry. \
		-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five \
straight days it can be explained by Newton\'s Law of Gravity.  But it takes \
Murphy\'s law to explain why it is happening to you. \
',' \
It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong. \
		-- Chris Torek \
',' \
It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level \
language named "research student". \
',' \
"It\'s easier said than done." \
 \
... and if you don\'t believe it, try proving that it\'s easier done than \
said, and you\'ll see that "it\'s easier said that `it\'s easier done than \
said\' than it is done", which really proves that "it\'s easier said than \
done". \
',' \
It\'s hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution. \
',' \
It\'s later than you think, the joint Russian-American space mission has \
already begun. \
',' \
It\'s not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. \
		-- Phil White \
',' \
It\'s not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. \
		-- J.K. Galbraith \
',' \
Just because they are called \'forbidden\' transitions does not mean that they \
are forbidden.  They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see \
what I mean. \
		-- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture. \
',' \
Kleeneness is next to Godelness. \
',' \
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. \
',' \
Last yeer I kudn\'t spel Engineer.  Now I are won. \
',' \
Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. \
',' \
Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding \
environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a \
round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. \
',' \
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. \
',' \
Life is difficult because it is non-linear. \
',' \
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. \
',' \
Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad. \
',' \
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. \
',' \
Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! \
',' \
Love makes the world go \'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular \
momentum. \
',' \
Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable \
British automotive electrical systems.  Professionals call the company "The \
Prince of Darkness".  Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture \
nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground.  The British \
don\'t like warm beer any more than the Americans do.  The British drink warm \
beer because they have Lucas refrigerators. \
',' \
Ma Bell is a mean mother! \
',' \
Machines have less problems.  I\'d like to be a machine. \
		-- Andy Warhol \
',' \
Make it myself?  But I\'m a physical organic chemist! \
',' \
Make it right before you make it faster. \
',' \
Man will never fly.  Space travel is merely a dream.  All aspirin is alike. \
',' \
MATH AND ALCOHOL DON\'T MIX! \
	Please, don\'t drink and derive. \
 \
	Mathematicians \
	Against \
	Drunk \
	Deriving \
',' \
Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. \
		-- R. Drabek \
',' \
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen:  whatever you say to them they translate \
into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different. \
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe \
',' \
Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is \
described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can play. \
		-- Dr. Thor Wald, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by James Blish \
',' \
Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. \
		-- Henry Adams \
',' \
Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts \
to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what  \
one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. \
		-- Russell \
',' \
Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- \
a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any \
part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, \
yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the \
greatest art can show.  The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense \
of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is \
to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. \
		-- Bertrand Russell \
',' \
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt. \
',' \
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. \
',' \
Measure twice, cut once. \
',' \
Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe. \
',' \
Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. \
		-- Frederick Crane \
',' \
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. \
',' \
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves \
up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. \
		-- Winston Churchill \
',' \
Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural \
function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the \
other.  There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the \
brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise. \
Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite \
conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected.  But it \
is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working \
assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it. \
Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble.  One cannot \
logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology. \
		-- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological \
		   Theory", 1949 \
',' \
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One path \
leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. \
Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. \
		-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" \
',' \
"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365, \
365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365".  He [ten-year-old Truman Henry \
Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the \
tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes \
smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more \
than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" \
An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn\'t be \
as much fun to watch. \
		-- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics" \
',' \
Murphy\'s Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel\'s Theorem. \
		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity\'s Rainbow" \
',' \
My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, \
always, he was right. \
	[That\'s an interesting angle.  I wonder if there are any parallels?] \
',' \
	My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or \
even that they were always wrong.  Rather, I believe that science must be \
understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of \
robots programmed to collect pure information.  I also present this view as \
an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on \
the alter of human limitations. \
	I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often \
in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it.  Galileo was not shown \
the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion.  He had \
threatened the Church\'s conventional argument for social and doctrinal \
stability:  the static world order with planets circling about a central \
earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord.  But the \
Church soon made its peace with Galileo\'s cosmology.  They had no choice; the \
earth really does revolve about the sun. \
		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" \
',' \
Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. \
		-- Booth Tarkington \
',' \
Natural laws have no pity. \
',' \
Nature abhors a hero.  For one thing, he violates the law of conservation \
of energy.  For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the \
fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be \
creamed? \
		-- Solomon Short \
',' \
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. \
',' \
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, \
it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz \
',' \
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. \
		-- Francis Bacon \
',' \
Neil Armstrong tripped. \
',' \
Neutrinos are into physicists. \
',' \
Neutrinos have bad breadth. \
',' \
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it\'s supposed to do. \
		-- R. A. Heinlein \
',' \
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. \
',' \
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. \
',' \
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. \
',' \
Nonsense.  Space is blue and birds fly through it. \
		-- Heisenberg \
',' \
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the \
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn\'t a care: no spats in \
their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the \
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a \
dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every respect. \
And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside it, for it \
was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, then they put \
them all together, and if one didn\'t fit, why they chipped at it a bit, \
and everything was just fine ... \
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" \
',' \
Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... \
 \
To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the \
light comes on. \
',' \
Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. \
She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. \
		-- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, \
		   manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York \
		   Times, June 10, 1955. \
',' \
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you\'re guessing. \
',' \
"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred." \
		-- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28, \
		   1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view \
		   of the grandstands. \
',' \
Of course you can\'t flap your arms and fly to the moon.  After a while you\'d \
run out of air to push against. \
',' \
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts -- for support \
rather than illumination. \
',' \
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: \
 \
"This isn\'t right.  This isn\'t even wrong." \
		-- Wolfgang Pauli \
',' \
Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of \
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the \
smaller prime numbers. \
 \
2:  The Odd Prime -- \
	It\'s the only even prime, therefore is odd.  QED. \
3:  The True Prime -- \
	Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it\'s true." \
31: The Arbitrary Prime -- \
	Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime in \
	case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91 received \
	the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most. \
	However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all. \
41: The Female Prime -- \
	The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is \
	prime for integer values from 1 to 40. \
43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair. \
 \
Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities \
are derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd \
but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. \
',' \
	Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property \
of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane \
complexities.  Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to \
obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. \
	Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is \
available to anyone. \
		-- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" \
',' \
One Bell System - it sometimes works. \
',' \
One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension! \
',' \
One Bell System - it works. \
',' \
One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the \
mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. \
		-- J. Gustav White \
',' \
One can\'t proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. \
',' \
One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast \
to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, \
a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also \
just stupid. \
		-- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix" \
',' \
One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and \
decides to do something about it.  He calls up his best friend, who is a \
mathematical genius.  "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some \
way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track?  We could \
make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life."  The mathematician thinks \
this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself. \
	A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he\'s had any \
success.  The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes, \
actually I do have an idea, and I\'m reasonably sure that it will work, but \
there a number of details to be figured out. \
	After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend\'s house, \
looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I\'ve got it! I still have \
some of the theory to work out, but now I\'m certain that I\'m on the right \
track." \
	At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by \
pounding on his door at three in the morning.  He has dark circles under his \
eyes.  His hair hasn\'t been combed for many days.  He appears to be wearing \
the same clothes as the last time.  He has several pencils sticking out from \
behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face.  "WE CAN DO \
IT!  WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!! \
And it\'s so EASY!  First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple \
harmonic motion..." \
',' \
One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines \
and end up with the atomic bomb. \
		-- Marcel Pagnol \
',' \
One man\'s "magic" is another man\'s engineering.  "Supernatural" is a null word. \
		-- Robert Heinlein \
',' \
One man\'s constant is another man\'s variable. \
		-- A.J. Perlis \
',' \
One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an advisor... \
is to discourage... from expecting too much from mathematics. \
		-- N. Wiener \
',' \
One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind. \
',' \
One thing they don\'t tell you about doing experimental physics is that \
sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer \
terror. \
		-- W.K. Hartmann \
',' \
Only God can make random selections. \
',' \
Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. \
',' \
Optimization hinders evolution. \
',' \
Order and simplification are the first steps toward mastery of a subject \
-- the actual enemy is the unknown. \
		-- Thomas Mann \
',' \
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.  Biochemistry \
is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. \
		-- Mike Adams \
',' \
"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." \
		-- Alex Schure \
',' \
Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard.  It is fatal in \
concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m.  Humans exposed to the \
oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes.  Symptoms resemble very \
much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.).  In higher \
concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it \
takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place.  The reason \
for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of \
oxygen in 20% concentration.  It apparently contributes to a complex \
process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is \
always fatal. \
 \
However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the \
fact it is habit forming.  The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is \
sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent.  After that, any \
considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with \
symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning. \
 \
Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard.  All of the fires that were reported in \
the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be \
due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings \
in question. \
 \
Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and \
tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is \
too late. \
		-- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956 \
',' \
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. \
',' \
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. \
',' \
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn\'t. \
',' \
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. \
',' \
"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional \
hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational \
sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..." \
',' \
Pie are not square.  Pie are round.  Cornbread are square. \
',' \
Polymer physicists are into chains. \
',' \
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. \
',' \
Power corrupts.  And atomic power corrupts atomically. \
',' \
Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong. \
',' \
Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. \
 \
This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them.  Induction \
techniques are very popular, even the military used them. \
 \
SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. \
 \
	We know it\'s true for _n equal to 1.  Now assume that it\'s true \
for every natural number less than _n.  _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n \
as large as we want.  If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is \
trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n.  We \
can take _n = _n (from above), so it\'s true for _n+1 because it\'s just \
about _n. \
	QED.	(QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") \
',' \
... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the \
downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited \
awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. \
		-- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in \
		   "The History of Manned Space Flight" \
',' \
Prototype designs always work. \
		-- Don Vonada \
',' \
"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller \
than the both put together." \
',' \
Psychologists think they\'re experimental psychologists. \
Experimental psychologists think they\'re biologists. \
Biologists think they\'re biochemists. \
Biochemists think they\'re chemists. \
Chemists think they\'re physical chemists. \
Physical chemists think they\'re physicists. \
Physicists think they\'re theoretical physicists. \
Theoretical physicists think they\'re mathematicians. \
Mathematicians think they\'re metamathematicians. \
Metamathematicians think they\'re philosophers. \
Philosophers think they\'re gods. \
',' \
Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces! \
		-- Overheard at last year\'s Archimedeans\' Garden Party \
',' \
Quantum Mechanics is God\'s version of "Trust me." \
',' \
Quark!  Quark!  Beware the quantum duck! \
',' \
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. \
',' \
Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature \
cannot be fooled. \
		-- R.P. Feynman \
',' \
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you \
lose your job.  These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, \
but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and \
Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. \
',' \
	"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised.  "We\'re back in the \
universe again..."  An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don\'t \
know which part.  We seem to have changed our position in space."  A \
spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the \
starfield surrounding the ship. \
	"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," \
ZORAC announced after a short pause.  "The designs are not familiar, but \
they are obviously the products of intelligence.  Implications: we have \
been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, \
and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. \
Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." \
		-- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" \
',' \
Remember Darwin; building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice. \
',' \
Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works \
you\'re a hero; if it doesn\'t, well -- nobody else has done it yet either, \
so you\'re still a valiant nerd. \
',' \
Research is to see what everybody else has seen, and think what nobody \
else has thought. \
',' \
Research is what I\'m doing when I don\'t know what I\'m doing. \
		-- Wernher von Braun \
',' \
Review Questions \
 \
(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, \
    and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before \
    he exceeds the speed of light?  How long will it be before the \
    Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? \
 \
(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks \
    twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks \
    every bone in his body?  How long will it be before they cut off \
    his insurance?  Where does he get a new car every week? \
 \
(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers \
    the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a \
    pyramid, how soon will Johnson\'s pyramid be larger than King \
    Tut\'s?  When will it fall on him?  Will he notice? \
',' \
Round Numbers are always false. \
		-- Samuel Johnson \
',' \
Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long \
period of time. \
		-- George Carlin \
',' \
Science and religion are in full accord but science and faith are in complete \
discord. \
',' \
Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones.  But a collection \
of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones is a house. \
		-- Jules Henri Poincar\'e \
',' \
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. \
',' \
Science may someday discover what faith has always known. \
',' \
Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. \
		-- William Buckley \
',' \
Sentient plasmoids are a gas. \
',' \
Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. \
',' \
So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate your \
current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and hurl it \
into a dumpster.  Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast array of \
8-millimeter video equipment. \
 \
... OK!  Got everything?  Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you were \
gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format that makes \
your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as toenail dirt. \
This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be made available until \
it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a format called "Elroy", so \
*order yours now*. \
		-- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics Revolution" \
',' \
Solutions are obvious if one only has the optical power to observe them \
over the horizon. \
		-- K.A. Arsdall \
',' \
Space is big.  You just won\'t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly \
big it is.  I mean, you may think it\'s a long way down the road to the \
drug store, but that\'s just peanuts to space. \
		-- The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy \
',' \
Space is to place as eternity is to time. \
		-- Joseph Joubert \
',' \
Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. \
		-- Wheeler \
',' \
Statistics are no substitute for judgement. \
		-- Henry Clay \
',' \
Statistics means never having to say you\'re certain. \
',' \
Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.  Embezzlement is another matter. \
',' \
Stuckness shouldn\'t be avoided.  It\'s the psychic predecessor of all \
real understanding.  An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an \
understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. \
		-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" \
',' \
Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics? \
Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of \
	    Quantum Mechanics? \
Supervisor: You mean "No", don\'t you? \
Supervisee: Yes. \
		-- Overheard at a supervision. \
',' \
Support bacteria -- it\'s the only culture some people have! \
',' \
Take an astronaut to launch. \
',' \
Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means \
for going backwards. \
		-- Aldous Huxley \
',' \
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. \
',' \
That\'s one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. \
		-- Neil Armstrong \
',' \
The  White Rabbit put on his spectacles. \
	"Where shall  I  begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked. \
	"Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, "and go on \
till you come to the end: then stop." \
		-- Lewis Carroll \
',' \
The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex \
facts.  Seek simplicity and distrust it. \
		-- Whitehead. \
',' \
The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the \
pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond. \
',' \
The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured \
in billigrahams. \
',' \
The ark lands after The Flood.  Noah lets all the animals out.  Says he, "Go \
and multiply."  Several months pass.  Noah decides to check up on the animals. \
All are doing fine except a pair of snakes.  "What\'s the problem?" says Noah. \
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.  Noah follows \
their advice.  Several more weeks pass.  Noah checks on the snakes again. \
Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy.  Noah asks, "Want to tell me how \
the trees helped?"  "Certainly", say the snakes. "We\'re adders, and we need \
logs to multiply." \
',' \
The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that \
Jupiter can have no satellites: \
 \
	There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two \
eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two \
unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent. \
From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven \
metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number \
of planets is necessarily seven. [...] \
	Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and \
therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless \
and therefore do not exist. \
',' \
The best defense against logic is ignorance. \
',' \
The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the \
redoubtable John W. Campbell: \
 \
	The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the \
	people who were ever born in the history of the world are now \
	dead.  There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is \
	being read by a corpse. \
',' \
The bigger the theory the better. \
',' \
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can\'t reuse time. \
		-- Merrick Furst \
',' \
The bomb will never go off.  I speak as an expert in explosives. \
		-- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project \
',' \
The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. \
		-- Elbert Hubbard \
',' \
The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. \
',' \
The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness. \
		-- John Muir \
',' \
The Commandments of the EE: \
 \
 (9)	Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou \
	commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be \
	frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages. \
(10)	Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are \
	written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code, \
	and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when \
	thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician. \
(11)	When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or \
	unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket.  Better \
	that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than \
	experimentally determine the electrical potential of an \
	innocent-seeming device. \
',' \
The Commandments of the EE: \
 \
(1)	Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser \
	lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most \
	embarrassing manner. \
(2)	Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to \
	be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this \
	earthly vale of tears. \
(3)	Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon \
	which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift \
	thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like \
	a radiator too. \
(4)	Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional \
	shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely \
	unbelievers. \
',' \
The Commandments of the EE: \
 \
(5)	Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the \
	measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate \
	both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company \
	property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has \
	one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent. \
(6)	Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices, \
	for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring \
	the fury of the engineers on his head. \
(7)	Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy \
	friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling \
	her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee. \
(8)	Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, \
	for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in \
	thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker \
	sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold. \
',' \
The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. \
',' \
The devil finds work for idle glands. \
',' \
The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so \
little to recommend it. \
		-- Allan Sherman \
',' \
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science \
requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. \
		-- Robert Heinlein \
',' \
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. \
',' \
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on \
weather forecasters. \
		-- Jean-Paul Kauffmann \
',' \
The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed \
to do the work of a man.  The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics \
Corporation defines a robot as \'Your Plastic Pal Who\'s Fun To Be With\'. \
The Hitch Hiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the \
Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as \'a bunch of mindless jerks who\'ll be the \
first against the wall when the revolution comes\', with a footnote to effect \
that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking \
over the post of robotics correspondent. \
	Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that \
had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in \
the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics \
Corporation as \'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the \
wall when the revolution came\'. \
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy" \
',' \
The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind \
of thing.  Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation \
of these atoms is talking moonshine. \
		-- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for \
		   the first time \
',' \
The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be \
correct. \
		-- William of Occam \
',' \
The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer \
and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown \
suit in the city.  Colleges may be to blame.  English majors are encouraged, \
I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not \
dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the \
quad.  And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, \
and they are squeamish about technology to this very day.  So it is natural \
for them to despise science fiction. \
		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction" \
',' \
The following statement is not true.  The previous statement is true. \
',' \
The Force is what holds everything together.  It has its dark side, and \
it has its light side.  It\'s sort of like cosmic duct tape. \
',' \
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl." \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, \
but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. \
		-- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist \
',' \
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. \
',' \
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.  The goal of nature \
is to build better mice. \
',' \
The Greatest Mathematical Error  \
	The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28 \
July 1962 towards Venus.  After 13 minutes\' flight a booster engine would \
give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells \
would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course \
corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet, \
scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.   \
	However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I \
plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff. \
	Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from \
the instructions fed into the computer.  "It was human error", a launch \
spokesman said. \
	This minus sign cost L4,280,000. \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers. \
',' \
The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they \
are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally \
understood.  Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. \
		-- John Maynard Keyes \
',' \
"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different." \
		-- Franco Spisani \
',' \
The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth.  And there are \
searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a pointer and a mark. \
		-- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars" \
',' \
The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. \
		-- L. Zadeh \
',' \
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. \
',' \
The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner \
	The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is \
Hubert Cecil Booth.  However, he got the idea from a man who almost \
invented it.   \
	In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall.  On the bill was an \
American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. \
	The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. \
After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze \
-- Booth went round to the inventor\'s dressing room. \
	"It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the \
point.  "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor.  "Your machine just moves \
the dust around the room," Booth informed him.  "Suck?  Suck?  Sucking is \
not possible," was the inventor\'s reply and he stormed out.  Booth proved \
that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and \
sucking the back of an armchair.  "I almost choked," he said afterwards. \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
The marvels of today\'s modern technology include the development of a \
soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which \
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. \
',' \
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars. \
',' \
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe. \
',' \
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. \
',' \
The moon is made of green cheese. \
		-- John Heywood \
',' \
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it\'s further away. \
',' \
The more they over-think the plumbing the easier it is to stop up the drain. \
',' \
The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to exhibit \
nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but rather depart \
instantaneously whence thou even now standest and flee to yet another rotten \
planet in the universe, if thou canst have the good fortune to find one. \
		-- Carlyle \
',' \
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new \
discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That\'s funny ..." \
		-- Isaac Asimov \
',' \
The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. \
		-- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy \
',' \
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. \
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith \
',' \
The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is that they \
serve to represent the complex of our experiences; beyond this they have \
no legitimacy. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
The only perfect science is hind-sight. \
',' \
The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. \
',' \
The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `social \
sciences\' is: some do, some don\'t. \
		-- Ernest Rutherford \
',' \
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite \
of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. \
		-- Niels Bohr \
',' \
The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, when \
exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. \
',' \
The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. \
Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using \
other animals; they\'ve piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern \
countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so \
far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill \
and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons.  None of the animals turned into \
oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" \
',' \
The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they\'re \
not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they\'re not \
engineers. \
',' \
The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise \
measurement of the speed of blight. \
',' \
The reason that every major university maintains a department of \
mathematics is that it\'s cheaper than institutionalizing all those people. \
',' \
The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give \'em a number or \
give \'em a date, but never give \'em both at once. \
		-- Jane Bryant Quinn \
',' \
The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. \
		-- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia \
',' \
The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and \
tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will \
have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor \
its theories will hold water. \
',' \
The solution of problems is the most characteristic and peculiar sort \
of voluntary thinking. \
		-- William James \
',' \
The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise for \
the reader. \
',' \
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. \
		-- Peer \
',' \
The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything. \
',' \
The spirit of Plato dies hard.  We have been unable to escape the philosophical \
tradition that what we can see and measure in the world is merely the \
superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying reality. \
		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" \
',' \
The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers \
written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not \
follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces \
of paper in any other parts of the Universe.  This single statement took \
the scientific world by storm.  So many mathematical conferences got held \
in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation \
died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put \
back by years. \
		-- Douglas Adams \
',' \
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology. \
',' \
"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren\'t \
even any property taxes." \
		-- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b \
',' \
The sum of the Universe is zero. \
',' \
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available \
data.  Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon \
shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, \
as the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much \
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times \
as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all.  The light we \
receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the \
Sun, so we can ignore that.  With these data we can compute the temperature \
of Heaven.  The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where \
the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, \
i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using \
the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute \
temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).  The exact \
temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the \
temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. \
Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their \
part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten \
brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, \
or 444.6C  (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.)  We have, \
then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. \
		-- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972 \
',' \
The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. \
		-- Aldo Leopold \
',' \
The tree of research must from time to time be refreshed with the blood \
of bean counters. \
		-- Alan Kay \
',' \
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.  And \
vice versa. \
',' \
The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. \
		-- Harlan Ellison \
',' \
The unfacts, did we have them, are too imprecisely few to warrant our certitude. \
',' \
The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken. \
',' \
The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang. \
',' \
The universe is an island, surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds \
universes. \
',' \
The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the \
combination is locked up in the safe. \
		-- Peter DeVries \
',' \
The Universe is populated by stable things. \
		-- Richard Dawkins \
',' \
The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. \
		-- Sagan \
',' \
The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four \
forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and \
bloody-mindedness. \
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" \
',' \
The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, \
and deviation standard. \
',' \
The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can\'t be \
done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. \
		-- E. Hubbard \
',' \
The Wright Bothers weren\'t the first to fly.  They were just the first \
not to crash. \
',' \
Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. \
		-- Goethe \
',' \
There *__is* no such thing as a civil engineer. \
',' \
There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis \
are chosen correctly. \
',' \
"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers. \
While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far the more certain." \
		-- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 \
',' \
There are three schools of magic.  One:  State a tautology, then ring the \
changes on its corollaries; that\'s philosophy.  Two:  Record many facts. \
Try to find a pattern.  Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that\'s \
science.  Three:  Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled \
by Murphy\'s Law, sometimes offset by Brewster\'s Factor; that\'s engineering. \
',' \
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the \
sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that \
hits your neighbors\' homes, too. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" \
',' \
There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. \
		-- R. W. Gerard \
',' \
There is a building with four floors.  On the first floor, there \
is a convention of architects.  On the second floor, there is a \
vinyl manufacturing plant.  On the third floor there is a fast food \
stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library. \
 \
Q:	What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small \
	elevator with one other person from each floor? \
A:	The elevator would be full. \
',' \
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what \
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be \
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another \
theory which states that this has already happened. \
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy" \
',' \
There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been \
originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet \
has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a \
beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are \
being, evolved. \
		-- Darwin \
',' \
There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing the \
rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries civilization \
will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. We must provide a \
Great Age or see the collapse of the upward striving of the human race. \
		-- Alfred North Whitehead \
',' \
There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. \
		-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 \
',' \
There is no opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. \
		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares" \
',' \
There is no royal road to geometry. \
		-- Euclid \
',' \
There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, \
however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. \
Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be  \
discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator \
on his own account.  The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is \
even highly probable. \
		-- H.L. Mencken, 1930 \
',' \
	There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped \
three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked  \
each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no \
can opener. \
	A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer\'s \
cell and found it long empty.  The engineer had constructed a can opener from \
pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, \
and escaped. \
	The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids \
off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall.  She was developing a good \
pitching arm and a new quantum theory. \
	The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising \
solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly \
against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor: \
	Theorem: If I can\'t open these cans, I\'ll die. \
	Proof: assume the opposite... \
',' \
There was a writer in \'Life\' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have \
no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms.  If they recalled \
every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become \
insupportable. \
		-- Kurt Vonnegut \
',' \
There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of \
their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity \
of the offspring conceived thereupon.  And so it goes that one Indian \
couple made love on a buffalo  hide.  Nine months later, they were \
blessed with a healthy baby son.  Yet another couple huddled together \
on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy \
baby son.  But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, \
were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion \
of the nine month interval.  All of which proves the old theorem that: \
The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of \
the squaws of the other two hides. \
',' \
There\'s a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! \
		-- Doug Clifford \
',' \
There\'s no future in time travel. \
',' \
There\'s no sense in being precise when you don\'t even know what you\'re talking \
about. \
		-- John von Neumann \
',' \
They don\'t know how the world is shaped.  And so they give it a shape, and \
try to make everything fit it.  They separate the right from the left, the \
man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They \
only want to count to two. \
		-- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance" \
',' \
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. \
',' \
This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enough \
hunchbacks. \
',' \
This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers.  The \
spark-gap is mightier than the pen.  Democracy will not be salvaged by men \
who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly. \
		-- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938 \
',' \
This is the theory that Jack built. \
This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built. \
This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in... \
',' \
This isn\'t true in practice -- what we\'ve missed out is Stradivarius\'s \
constant.  And then the aside: "For those of you who don\'t know, that\'s \
been called by others the fiddle factor..." \
		-- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture. \
',' \
This place just isn\'t big enough for all of us.  We\'ve got to find a way \
off this planet. \
',' \
This universe shipped by weight, not by volume.  Some expansion of the \
contents may have occurred during shipment. \
',' \
This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard \
dying... but nobody thought so.  This was a future of fortune and theft, \
pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it. \
		-- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination" \
',' \
Those who can, do; those who can\'t, simulate. \
',' \
Those who can, do; those who can\'t, write. \
Those who can\'t write work for the Bell Labs Record. \
',' \
... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage \
from beginning to end. \
		-- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" \
',' \
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the \
molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with \
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- whose \
existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A fifth \
theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about \
the matter than the others. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil\'s Dictionary" \
',' \
Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know \
what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. \
		-- Bertrand Russell \
',' \
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. \
',' \
Time is nature\'s way of making sure that everything doesn\'t happen at once. \
 \
Space is nature\'s way of making sure that everything doesn\'t happen to you. \
',' \
TIRED of calculating components of vectors?  Displacements along direction of \
force getting you down?  Well, now there\'s help.  Try amazing "Dot-Product", \
the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available \
to YOU through this special offer.  Three out of five engineering consultants \
recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products.  Mr. \
Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview... \
	"Dot-Product really works!  Calculating Z-axis force components has \
	never been easier." \
Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product.  Use \
it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector \
components.  How much would you pay for it?  But wait, it also calculates the \
work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU\'s.  Divide Dot-Product by the \
magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator!  Now, how \
much would you pay?  All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!! \
But that\'s not all!  If you order before midnight, you\'ll also get "Famous \
Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free!  Yes, you\'ll get \
Avogadro\'s number, Planck\'s, Euler\'s, Boltzmann\'s, and many, many, more!! \
Call 1-800-DOT-6000.  Operators are standing by.  That number again... \
1-800-DOT-6000.  Supplies are limited, so act now.  This offer is not \
available through stores and is void where prohibited by law. \
',' \
To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances \
may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence. \
		-- Joseph Glanvill, 1661 \
',' \
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. \
		-- Thomas Edison \
',' \
Today\'s scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? \
 \
And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? \
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" \
',' \
Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the earth\'s \
supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. As man \
struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. Please... \
 \
			CONSERVE GRAVITY \
 \
Follow these simple suggestions: \
 \
(1)  Walk with a light step.  Carry helium balloons if possible. \
(2)  Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. \
(3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling. \
(4)  Avoid showers .. take baths instead. \
(5)  Don\'t hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big pile. \
(6)  Stop flipping pancakes \
',' \
Torque is cheap. \
',' \
Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two. \
',' \
Two men are in a hot-air balloon.  Soon, they find themselves lost in a \
canyon somewhere.  One of the three men says, "I\'ve got an idea.  We can \
call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the \
end of the canyon.  Someone\'s bound to hear us by then!" \
	So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo!  Where \
are we?"  (They hear the echo several times). \
	Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! \
You\'re lost!" \
	The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician." \
	Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?" \
	"For three reasons.  First, he took a long time to answer, second, \
he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless." \
',' \
Two percent of zero is almost nothing. \
',' \
Two wrights don\'t make a rong, they make an airplane.  Or bicycles. \
',' \
UFOs are for real: the Air Force doesn\'t exist. \
',' \
Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem \
in relation to a bigger problem. \
		-- P.D. Ouspensky \
',' \
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, \
opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. \
		-- Doug Larson \
',' \
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which divides us is \
whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct.  My own feeling \
is that it is not crazy enough.  \
		-- Niels Bohr \
',' \
We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his \
own facts. \
		-- Patrick Moynihan \
',' \
We are sorry.  We cannot complete your call as dialed.  Please check \
the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance. \
 \
This is a recording. \
',' \
We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved. \
',' \
We can predict everything, except the future. \
',' \
We cannot command nature except by obeying her. \
		-- Sir Francis Bacon \
',' \
We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, take from \
their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send forth one of \
themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search into the mysteries and \
marvelous simplicities of this strange and beautiful Universe, Our home. \
		-- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler \
',' \
"We don\'t care.  We don\'t have to.  We\'re the Phone Company." \
',' \
We don\'t know one millionth of one percent about anything. \
',' \
We don\'t know who it was that discovered water, but we\'re pretty sure \
that it wasn\'t a fish. \
	-- Marshall McLuhan \
',' \
We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? \
		-- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission \
',' \
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it\'s fully integrated. \
',' \
We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support \
of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support \
the elephant, a huge tortoise.  If we will candidly confess the truth, we \
know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in \
which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or \
about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as \
his about the support of the earth.  His elephant was a hypothesis, and our \
hypotheses are elephants.  Every theory in philosophy, which is built on \
pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly \
by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar\'s image, whose \
feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay. \
		-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 \
',' \
... we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection \
by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. \
I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized \
brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as \
an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting \
functions).  But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often \
uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities \
of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection. \
		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" \
',' \
We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn of a beautiful \
new world.  We will see it when we believe it. \
		-- Saul Alinsky \
',' \
... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent \
observations and inferences by the thousands.  The earth is billions of \
years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary \
descent.  Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but \
do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither \
flat nor at the center of the universe?  Science *has* taught us some \
things with confidence!  Evolution on an ancient earth is as well \
established as our planet\'s shape and position.  Our continuing struggle \
to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not \
cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- \
into doubt. \
		-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",  \
		   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2. \
',' \
We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here depends on a \
clever but highly unmotivated trick. \
		-- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra" \
',' \
We who revel in nature\'s diversity and feel instructed by every animal tend to \
brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous extinction. \
		-- S.J. Gould \
',' \
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical \
problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. \
',' \
We\'ve sent a man to the moon, and that\'s 29,000 miles away.  The center \
of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away.  You could drive that in a week, \
but for some reason nobody\'s ever done it. \
		-- Andy Rooney \
',' \
Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get \
rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought.  He did so. "Well, kid, that \
was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer \
question, "NOW what\'s the least popular vegetable?" \
 \
Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. \
	-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" \
',' \
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. \
',' \
"What I\'ve done, of course, is total garbage." \
		-- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a \
',' \
What is algebra, exactly?  Is it one of those three-cornered things? \
		-- J.M. Barrie \
',' \
What is mind?  No matter.  What is matter?  Never mind. \
		-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 \
',' \
What is now proved was once only imagin\'d. \
		-- William Blake \
',' \
What is research but a blind date with knowledge? \
		-- Will Harvey \
',' \
What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, \
which is the exact opposite. \
		-- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928 \
',' \
What the deuce is it to me?  You say that we go around the sun.  If we went \
around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. \
		-- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" \
',' \
What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. \
		-- Nikita Khruschev \
',' \
What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. \
',' \
When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. \
But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute -- and it\'s longer than any \
hour.  That\'s relativity. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people interrupted \
service for one minute in his honor.  They\'ve been honoring him intermittently \
ever since, I believe. \
		-- The Grab Bag \
',' \
When some people discover the truth, they just can\'t understand why \
everybody isn\'t eager to hear it. \
',' \
When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. \
		-- S. Johnson \
',' \
"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical." \
		-- Jon Carroll \
',' \
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the \
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them \
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were \
set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as \
bodies of a lower grade ... \
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" \
',' \
When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the \
plane will fly. \
		-- Donald Douglas \
',' \
When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation \
of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can \
proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the goal. \
		-- Amrom Katz \
',' \
When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by \
asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don\'t \
know the answer either. \
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler \
',' \
Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? \
',' \
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE \
	Oh, dear, where can the matter be \
	When it\'s converted to energy? \
	There is a slight loss of parity. \
	Johnny\'s so long at the fair. \
',' \
Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to \
examine the laws of heat. \
		-- Christopher Morley \
',' \
	While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to \
his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?" \
	"Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant.  "What do you \
mean?" \
	The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of \
`Why the sea is salt\' many times, but I never thought it important until just \
a moment ago.  It\'s something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and \
salt was rare and expensive.  A miller received from a wizard a wonderful \
machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long.  At first the miller \
thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages \
had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding \
more salt.  The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his \
acres.  At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and \
be rid of it.  But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine \
were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that\'s \
why the sea is salt." \
	"I don\'t get you," said the assistant. \
		-- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron" \
',' \
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. \
',' \
Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another \
meaning?  "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with."  "If it \
doesn\'t happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a \
corner." \
',' \
Why don\'t you fix your little problem... and light this candle? \
		-- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program \
',' \
With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can\'t they just once \
build a nuclear balm? \
',' \
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand \
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and \
still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no \
such thing as progress. \
		-- Ransom K. Ferm \
',' \
Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. \
',' \
Xerox does it again and again and again and ... \
',' \
Xerox never comes up with anything original. \
',' \
Ya\'ll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some \
rays and became a tangent ? \
',' \
"Yeah, but you\'re taking the universe out of context." \
',' \
	"Yes, let\'s consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his \
mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. \
	"What do you keep that mouse for?" I said.  "You should either \
bury it or else throw it into the brook." \
	"Why, it\'s to measure with!" cried Bruno.  "How ever would you \
do a garden without one?  We make each bed three mouses and a half \
long, and two mouses wide." \
	I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me \
how it was used... \
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" \
',' \
	"Yo, Mike!" \
	"Yeah, Gabe?" \
	"We got a problem down on Earth.  In Utah." \
	"I thought you fixed that last century!" \
	"No, no, not that.  Someone\'s found a security problem in the physics \
program.  They\'re getting energy out of nowhere." \
	"Blessit!  Lemme look...  <tappity clickity tappity>  Hey, it\'s \
there all right!  OK, just a sec...  <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> \
There, that ought to patch it.  Dist it out, wouldja?" \
		-- Cold Fusion, 1989 \
',' \
You are a taxi driver.  Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in \
use for only seven years.  One of its windshield wipers is broken, and \
the carburetor needs adjusting.  The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the \
moment is only three-quarters full.  How old is the taxi driver?" \
',' \
You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat. \
		-- The First Law Of Thermodynamics \
 \
What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth. \
		-- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics \
 \
You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing. \
		-- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics \
',' \
You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding \
decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left \
over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio\'s heart. \
		-- F. Allen \
',' \
You can\'t cheat the phone company. \
',' \
You cannot have a science without measurement. \
		-- R. W. Hamming \
',' \
You know you\'ve landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. \
',' \
You mean you didn\'t *know* she was off making lots of little phone companies? \
',' \
You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than \
about 10^12 to 1. \
		-- Ernest Rutherford \
',' \
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, \
contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. \
Really, that\'s what scientists believe.  In fact many scientists actually \
use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer.  If you visit a \
scientist\'s house on a sultry August day, you\'ll find a cheerful fire \
roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how \
cool he is and drinking heavily. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" \
',' \
You will never amount to much. \
		-- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10 \
',' \
100 buckets of bits on the bus	 \
100 buckets of bits \
Take one down, short it to ground \
FF buckets of bits on the bus	 \
 \
FF buckets of bits on the bus	 \
FF buckets of bits \
Take one down, short it to ground \
FE buckets of bits on the bus	 \
 \
ad infinitum... \
',' \
99 blocks of crud on the disk, \
99 blocks of crud! \
You patch a bug, and dump it again: \
100 blocks of crud on the disk! \
 \
100 blocks of crud on the disk, \
100 blocks of crud! \
You patch a bug, and dump it again: \
101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... \
',' \
A bit of talcum \
Is always walcum \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
A box without hinges, key, or lid, \
Yet golden treasure inside is hid. \
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien \
',' \
A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon; \
The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune; \
Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew, \
And watching his luck was his light-o\'-love, the lady that\'s known as Lou. \
		-- Robert W. Service \
',' \
A cousin of mine once said about money, \
money is always there but the pockets change; \
it is not in the same pockets after a change, \
and that is all there is to say about money. \
		-- Gertrude Stein \
',' \
A Elbereth Gilthoniel, \
silivren penna m\'iriel \
o menel aglar elenath! \
Na chaered palan-d\'iriel \
o galadhremmin ennorath, \
Fanuilos, le linnathon \
nef aear, s\'i  nef aearon! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
A fitter fits;				Though sinners sin \
A cutter cuts;				And thinners thin \
And an aircraft spotter spots;		And paper-blotters blot \
A baby-sitter				I\'ve never yet \
Baby-sits --				Had letters let \
But an otter never ots.			Or seen an otter ot. \
 \
A batter bats \
(Or scatters scats); \
A potting shed\'s for potting; \
But no one\'s found \
A bounder bound \
Or caught an otter otting. \
		-- Ralph Lewin \
',' \
A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and \
B is for biff, which reads all your mail. \
C is for cc, as hackers recall, while \
D is for dd, the command that does all. \
E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and \
F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. \
G is for grep, a clever detective, while \
H is for halt, which may seem defective. \
I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and \
J is for join, which nobody uses. \
K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while \
L is for lex, which is missing from DOS. \
M is for more, from which less was begot, and \
N is for nice, which it really is not. \
O is for od, which prints out things nice, while \
P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice. \
Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and \
R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table. \
S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while \
T is for true, which does very little. \
U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and \
V is for vi, which is hard to abort. \
W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while \
X is, well, X, of dubious fame. \
Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and \
Z is for zcat, which handles compression. \
		-- THE ABC\'S OF UNIX \
',' \
A lady with one of her ears applied \
To an open keyhole heard, inside, \
Two female gossips in converse free -- \
The subject engaging them was she. \
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks \
That she\'s a prying, inquisitive minx!" \
As soon as no more of it she could hear \
The lady, indignant, removed her ear. \
"I will not stay," she said with a pout, \
"To hear my character lied about!" \
		-- Gopete Sherany \
',' \
A little word of doubtful number, \
A foe to rest and peaceful slumber. \
If you add an "s" to this, \
Great is the metamorphosis. \
Plural is plural now no more, \
And sweet what bitter was before. \
What am I? \
',' \
A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, \
He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. \
		-- Richard Thompson \
',' \
A man of genius makes no mistakes. \
His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. \
		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses" \
',' \
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds \
will put his money in Etruscan bonds. \
',' \
A mighty creature is the germ, \
Though smaller than the pachyderm. \
His customary dwelling place \
Is deep within the human race. \
His childish pride he often pleases \
By giving people strange diseases. \
Do you, my poppet, feel infirm? \
You probably contain a germ. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
A pig is a jolly companion, \
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- \
A pig is a pal, who\'ll boost your morale,  \
Though mountains may topple and tilt. \
When they\'ve blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, \
When they\'ve turned on you, Tory and Whig, \
Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, \
You\'ll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, \
You\'ll never go wrong with a pig! \
		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity\'s Rainbow" \
',' \
A robin redbreast in a cage \
Puts all Heaven in a rage. \
		-- Blake \
',' \
A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed. \
Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid. \
		-- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" \
 \
I don\'t know what it\'s about.  I\'m just the drummer.  Ask Peter. \
		-- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind \
		   the previous year\'s Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down \
		   on Broadway". \
',' \
A single flow\'r he sent me, since we met. \
All tenderly his messenger he chose; \
Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- \
One perfect rose. \
 \
I knew the language of the floweret; \
"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." \
Love long has taken for his amulet \
One perfect rose. \
 \
Why is it no one ever sent me yet \
One perfect limousine, do you suppose? \
Ah no, it\'s always just my luck to get \
One perfect rose. \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose" \
',' \
A truth that\'s told with bad intent \
Beats all the lies you can invent. \
		-- William Blake \
',' \
A-Z affectionately, \
1 to 10 alphabetically, \
from here to eternity without in betweens, \
still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world, \
sales talk from sales assistants \
	when all i want to do is lower your resistance, \
no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums, \
love\'s on arrival, \
she comes when she comes, \
right on the target but wide of the mark... \
',' \
Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) \
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, \
And saw, within the moonlight in his room, \
Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, \
An angel writing in a book of gold. \
Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, \
And to the presence in the room he said, \
"What writest thou?"  The vision raised its head, \
And with a look made of all sweet accord, \
Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." \
"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so," \
Replied the angel.  Abou spoke more low, \
But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then, \
Write me as one that loves his fellow-men." \
The angel wrote, and vanished.  The next night \
It came again with a great wakening light, \
And showed the names whom love of God had blessed, \
And lo!  Ben Adhem\'s name led all the rest. \
		-- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem" \
',' \
After a while you learn the subtle difference \
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, \
And you learn that love doesn\'t mean security, \
And you begin to learn that kisses aren\'t contracts \
And presents aren\'t promises \
And you begin to accept your defeats \
With your head up and your eyes open, \
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, \
And you learn to build all your roads \
On today because tomorrow\'s ground \
Is too uncertain.  And futures have \
A way of falling down in midflight, \
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. \
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting \
For someone to bring you flowers. \
And you learn that you really can endure... \
That you really are strong, \
And you really do have worth \
And you learn and learn \
With every goodbye you learn. \
		-- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" \
',' \
After all my erstwhile dear, \
My no longer cherished, \
Need we say it was not love, \
Just because it perished? \
		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay \
',' \
Again she fled, but swift he came. \
Tin\'uviel!  Tin\'uviel! \
He called her by her elvish name; \
And there she halted listening. \
One moment stood she, and a spell \
His voice laid on her: Beren came \
And doom fell on Tin\'uviel \
That in his arms lay glistening. \
 \
As Beren looked into her eyes \
Within the shadows of her hair, \
The trembling starlight of the skies \
He saw there mirrored shimmering. \
Tin\'uviel the elven-fair, \
Immortal maiden elven-wise, \
About him cast her shadowy hair \
And arms like silver glimmering. \
 \
Long was the way that fate them bore, \
O\'er stony mountains cold and grey, \
Through halls of iron and darkling door, \
And woods of nightshade morrowless. \
The Sundering Seas between them lay, \
And yet at last they met once more, \
And long ago they passed away \
In the forest singing sorrowless. \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
			Against Idleness and Mischief \
 \
How doth the little busy bee		How skillfully she builds her cell! \
Improve each shining hour,		How neat she spreads the wax! \
And gather honey all the day		And labours hard to store it well \
From every opening flower!		With the sweet food she makes. \
 \
In works of labour or of skill		In books, or work, or healthful play, \
I would be busy too;			Let my first years be passed, \
For Satan finds some mischief still	That I may give for every day \
For idle hands to do.			Some good account at last. \
		-- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748 \
',' \
Ah, but a man\'s grasp should exceed his reach,  \
Or what\'s a heaven for ? \
		-- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" \
',' \
Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, \
there\'s the rub. \
 \
For all dreams are not equal, \
some exit to nightmare \
most end with the dreamer \
 \
But at least one must be lived ... and died. \
',' \
Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me, \
"How good, how good does it feel to be free?" \
And I answer them most mysteriously: \
"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?" \
		-- Bob Dylan \
',' \
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, \
Aleph-null bottles of beer, \
You take one down, and pass it around, \
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. \
',' \
Alive without breath, \
As cold as death; \
Never thirsty, ever drinking, \
All in mail ever clinking. \
',' \
All I need to have a good time, \
Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. \
With those three things I don\'t need no sunshine, \
A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. \
 \
All I want is to never grow old, \
I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. \
I want 97 kilos already rolled, \
I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. \
 \
I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills, \
I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. \
I want a bottle of Red Eye that\'s always filled, \
I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. \
		-- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" \
',' \
All my friends are getting married, \
Yes, they\'re all growing old, \
They\'re all staying home on the weekend, \
They\'re all doing what they\'re told. \
',' \
All that is gold does not glitter, \
Not all those who wander are lost; \
The old that is strong does not wither, \
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.  \
From the ashes a fire shall be woken, \
A light from the shadows shall spring; \
Renewed shall be blade that was broken, \
The crownless again shall be king. \
	        -- J.R.R. Tolkien \
',' \
	All that you touch,		And all you create, \
	All that you see,		And all you destroy, \
	All that you taste,		All that you do, \
	All you feel,			And all you say, \
	And all that you love,		All that you eat, \
	And all that you hate,		And everyone you meet, \
	All you distrust,		All that you slight, \
	All you save,			And everyone you fight, \
	And all that you give,		And all that is now, \
	And all that you deal,		And all that is gone, \
	All that you buy,		And all that\'s to come, \
	Beg, borrow or steal,		And everything under the sun is \
						in tune, \
					But the sun is eclipsed \
					By the moon. \
 \
There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it\'s all dark. \
		-- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon" \
',' \
All the lines have been written		There\'s been Sandburg, \
It\'s sad but it\'s true			Keats, Poe and McKuen \
With all the words gone,		They all had their day \
What\'s a young poet to do?		And knew what they\'re doin\' \
 \
But of all the words written		The bird is a strange one, \
And all the lines read,			So small and so tender \
There\'s one I like most,		Its breed still unknown, \
And by a bird it was said!		Not to mention its gender. \
 \
It reminds me of days of		So what is this line \
Both gloom and of light.		Whose author\'s unknown \
It still lifts my spirits		And still makes me giggle \
And starts the day right.		Even now that I\'m grown? \
 \
I\'ve read all the greats \
Both starving and fat, \
But none was as great as \
"I tot I taw a puddy tat." \
		-- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood" \
',' \
All the world\'s a VAX, \
And all the coders merely butchers; \
They have their exits and their entrails; \
And one int in his time plays many widths, \
His sizeof being _N bytes.  At first the infant, \
Mewling and puking in the Regent\'s arms. \
And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, \
And shining morning face, creeping like slug \
Unwillingly to school. \
		-- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 \
',' \
All who joy would win Must share it -- \
Happiness was born a twin. \
		-- Lord Byron \
',' \
An eye in a blue face \
Saw an eye in a green face. \
"That eye is like this eye" \
Said the first eye, \
"But in low place, \
Not in high place." \
',' \
An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort \
Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport. \
A manly man, to be a wizard able; \
Many a protected file he had sitting on his table. \
His console, when he typed, a man might hear \
Clicking and feeping wind as clear, \
Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell \
Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell. \
The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor \
As old and strict he tended to ignore; \
He let go by the things of yesterday \
And took the modern world\'s more spacious way. \
He did not rate that text as a plucked hen \
Which says that Hackers are not holy men. \
And that a hacker underworked is a mere \
Fish out of water, flapping on the pier. \
That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister. \
That was a text he held not worth an oyster. \
And I agreed and said his views were sound; \
Was he to study till his head wend round \
Poring over books in the cloisters?  Must he toil \
As Andy bade and till the very soil? \
Was he to leave the world upon the shelf? \
Let Andy have his labor to himself! \
		-- Chaucer \
		[well, almost.  Ed.] \
',' \
And all that the Lorax left here in this mess \
was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless." \
Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn\'t guess. \
That was long, long ago, and each day since that day, \
I\'ve worried and worried and worried away. \
Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart, \
I\'ve worried about it with all of my heart. \
 \
"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you\'re here, \
the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear! \
UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, \
nothing is going to get better - it\'s not. \
So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler.  He lets something fall. \
"It\'s a truffula seed.  It\'s the last one of all! \
 \
"You\'re in charge of the last of the truffula seeds. \
And truffula trees are what everyone needs. \
Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care. \
Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. \
Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. \
Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" \
',' \
And as we stand on the edge of darkness \
Let our chant fill the void \
That others may know \
 \
	In the land of the night \
	The ship of the sun \
	Is drawn by \
	The grateful dead. \
		-- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. \
',' \
And did those feet, in ancient times, \
Walk upon England\'s mountains green? \
And was the Holy Lamb of God \
In England\'s pleasant pastures seen? \
And did the Countenance Divine \
Shine forth upon these crowded hills? \
And was Jerusalem builded here \
Among these dark satanic mills? \
 \
Bring me my bow of burning gold! \
Bring me my arrows of desire! \
Bring me my spears!  O clouds unfold! \
Bring me my chariot of fire! \
I shall not cease from mental fight, \
Nor shall my sword rest in my hand, \
Till we have built Jerusalem \
In England\'s green and pleasant land. \
		-- William Blake, "Jerusalem" \
',' \
And here I wait so patiently \
Waiting to find out what price \
You have to pay to get out of \
Going thru all of these things twice \
		-- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again" \
',' \
And I heard Jeff exclaim, \
As they strolled out of sight, \
"Merry Christmas to all -- \
You take credit cards, right?" \
		-- "Outsiders" comic \
',' \
And if California slides into the ocean, \
Like the mystics and statistics say it will. \
I predict this motel will be standing, \
Until I\'ve paid my bill. \
		-- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves" \
',' \
And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee, \
"Who kilt thee?", tell them it \'twas the Doones of Bagworthy! \
',' \
And if you wonder, \
What I am doing, \
As I am heading for the sink. \
I am spitting out all the bitterness, \
Along with half of my last drink. \
',' \
And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead, \
Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead. \
		-- Joan Baez \
',' \
And miles to go before I sleep. \
		-- Robert Frost \
',' \
And now your toner\'s toney,		Disk blocks aplenty \
And your paper near pure white,		Await your laser drawn lines, \
The smudges on your soul are gone	Your intricate fonts, \
And your output\'s clean as light..	Your pictures and signs. \
 \
We\'ve labored with your father,		Your amputative absence \
The venerable XGP,			Has made the Ten dumb, \
But his slow artistic hand,		Without you, Dover, \
Lacks your clean velocity.		We\'re system untounged- \
 \
Theses and papers 			DRAW Plots and TEXage \
And code in a queue			Have been biding their time, \
Dover, oh Dover,			With LISP code and programs, \
We\'ve been waiting for you.		And this crufty rhyme. \
 \
Dover, oh Dover,		Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead. \
We welcome you back,		Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed. \
Though still you may jam,	Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab. \
You\'re on the right track.	Dover, oh Dover, we\'ve missed your clean \
					hand... \
',' \
...and report cards I was always afraid to show \
Mama\'d come to school \
and as I\'d sit there softly cryin\' \
Teacher\'d say he\'s just not tryin\' \
Got a good head if he\'d apply it \
but you know yourself \
it\'s always somewhere else \
I\'d build me a castle \
with dragons and kings \
and I\'d ride off with them \
As I stood by my window \
and looked out on those \
Brooklyn roads \
		-- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads" \
',' \
And so it was, later, \
As the miller told his tale, \
That her face, at first just ghostly, \
Turned a whiter shade of pale. \
		-- Procol Harum \
',' \
And the silence came surging softly backwards \
When the plunging hooves were gone... \
		-- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" \
',' \
And this is good old Boston, \
The home of the bean and the cod, \
Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, \
And the Cabots talk only to God. \
',' \
And we heard him exclaim \
As he started to roam: \
"I\'m a hologram, kids, \
please don\'t try this at home!\'" \
		-- Bob Violence \
',' \
And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane? \
	She\'s lost her sparkle, you see she isn\'t the same. \
	Livin\' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine \
	All a friend can say is "Ain\'t it a shame?" \
		-- The Grateful Dead \
',' \
Angels we have heard on High \
Tell us to go out and Buy. \
		-- Tom Lehrer \
',' \
Antonio Antonio  \
Was tired of living alonio \
He thought he would woo			Antonio Antonio \
Miss Lucamy Lu,				Rode of on his polo ponio \
Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio.		And found the maid \
					In a bowery shade, \
					Sitting and knitting alonio. \
Antonio Antonio \
Said if you will be my ownio \
I\'ll love tou true			Oh nonio Antonio \
And buy for you				You\'re far too bleak and bonio \
An icery creamry conio.			And all that I wish \
					You singular fish \
					Is that you will quickly begonio. \
Antonio Antonio \
Uttered a dismal moanio \
And went off and hid \
Or I\'m told that he did \
In the Antartical Zonio. \
',' \
April is the cruellest month... \
		-- Thomas Stearns Eliot \
',' \
Are there those in the land of the brave \
Who can tell me how I should behave \
	When I am disgraced \
	Because I erased \
	A file I intended to save? \
',' \
As for the women, though we scorn and flout \'em, \
We may live with, but cannot live without \'em. \
		-- Frederic Reynolds \
',' \
As I was going up Punch Card Hill, \
	Feeling worse and worser, \
There I met a C.R.T. \
	And it drop\'t me a cursor. \
 \
C.R.T., C.R.T., \
	Phosphors light on you! \
If I had fifty hours a day \
	I\'d spend them all at you. \
		-- Uncle Colonel\'s Cursory Rhymes \
',' \
As I was passing Project MAC, \
I met a Quux with seven hacks. \
Every hack had seven bugs; \
Every bug had seven manifestations; \
Every manifestation had seven symptoms. \
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, \
How many losses at Project MAC? \
',' \
As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, \
I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, \
The words were torn and tattered, \
From the storm the night before, \
The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes, \
 \
Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer, \
Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear, \
Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar, \
And Texaco\'s a beauty cream that\'s used by every star. \
 \
Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire, \
Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear, \
Doctors say that babies should smoke until they\'re three, \
And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea. \
',' \
As me an\' me marrer was readin\' a tyape, \
The tyape gave a shriek mark an\' tried tae escyape; \
It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field, \
An\' jigged oot the room wi\' a spool an\' a reel! \
Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie, \
Follow it through, me canny lad O; \
Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie, \
Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O! \
		-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil\'s DP Dictionary" \
',' \
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found \
I\'ve got a little list -- I\'ve got a little list \
Of society offenders who might well be underground \
And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. \
		-- Koko, "The Mikado" \
',' \
At times discretion should be thrown aside, \
and with the foolish we should play the fool. \
		-- Menander \
',' \
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. \
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" \
',' \
Azh nazg durbatal^uk, azh nazg gimbatul, \
Azh nazg thrakatal^uk agh burzum ishi krimpatul! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely \
get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face. \
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" \
',' \
Be valiant, but not too venturous. \
Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. \
		-- John Lyly \
',' \
Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all \
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. \
		-- John Keats \
',' \
Because I do, \
Because I do not hope, \
Because I do not hope to survive \
Injustice from the Palace, death from the air, \
Because I do, only do, \
I continue... \
		-- T.S. Pynchon \
',' \
Beneath this stone lies Murphy, \
They buried him today, \
He lived the life of Riley, \
While Riley was away. \
',' \
	better !pout !cry \
	better watchout \
	lpr why \
	santa claus < north pole > town \
 \
	cat /etc/passwd > list \
	ncheck list \
	ncheck list \
	cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist \
	cat list | grep nice > giftlist \
	santa claus < north pole > town \
 \
	who | grep sleeping \
	who | grep awake \
	who | grep bad || good \
	for (goodness sake) { \
		be good \
	} \
',' \
Between the idea \
And the reality \
Between the motion \
And the act \
Falls the Shadow \
		-- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" \
 \
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when \
	 referring to system service dispatching.] \
',' \
Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice \
Are making midnight music in the moonlight, \
Mighty nice! \
',' \
Bit off more than my mind could chew, \
Shower or suicide, what do I do? \
		-- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?" \
',' \
Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies, \
Shy little angels as gentle as puppies, \
Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish, \
They were just some of my tropical fish. \
 \
Then I got mantas that sting in the water, \
Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter, \
Savage male betas that bite with a squish, \
Now I have many less tropical fish. \
 \
	If you think that \
	Fish are peaceful \
	That\'s an empty wish. \
	Just dump them together \
	And leave them alone, \
	And soon you will have -- no fish. \
		-- To My Favorite Things \
',' \
Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide, \
The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side, \
A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide, \
She wants to hit those bricks, \
	\'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline, \
While the millionaires hide in Beekman place, \
The bag ladies throw their bones in my face, \
I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound, \
I don\'t want to hear it but he won\'t turn it down... \
		-- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" \
',' \
Boy, get your head out of the stars above, \
You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. \
Save your heart and let your body be enough, \
To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. \
Save your heart and let your body be enough, \
And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. \
		-- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love" \
',' \
Breathe deep the gathering gloom. \
Watch lights fade from every room. \
Bed-sitter people look back and lament; \
another day\'s useless energies spent. \
 \
Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. \
Lonely man cries for love and has none. \
New mother picks up and suckles her son. \
Senior citizens wish they were young. \
 \
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night; \
Removes the colors from our sight. \
Red is grey and yellow white. \
But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." \
		-- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed" \
',' \
Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati \
	girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; \
i borogovi eran tutti mimanti \
	e la moma radeva fuorigraba. \
 \
"Figliuolo mio, sta\' attento al Gibrovacco, \
	dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante; \
fuggi l\'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco \
	metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". \
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky" \
',' \
But has any little atom, \
	While a-sittin\' and a-splittin\', \
Ever stopped to think or CARE \
	That E = m c**2 ? \
',' \
But I was there and I saw what you did, \
I saw it with my own two eyes. \
So you can wipe off that grin; \
I know where you\'ve been-- \
It\'s all been a pack of lies! \
',' \
But scientists, who ought to know \
Assure us that it must be so. \
Oh, let us never, never doubt \
What nobody is sure about. \
		-- Hilaire Belloc \
',' \
But soft you, the fair Ophelia: \
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, \
But get thee to a nunnery -- go! \
		-- Mark "The Bard" Twain \
',' \
But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, \
In proving foresight may be vain: \
The best laid schemes o\' mice an\' men \
Gang aft a-gley, \
An\' lea\'e us nought but grief and pain \
For promised joy. \
	-- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785 \
',' \
Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes \
Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; \
Less dear than army ants in apple pies \
Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, \
Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; \
Like honeybees upon the perfum\'d rose \
They suck, and like the double-breasted suit \
Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, \
Go fly a kite, thy welcome\'s overstayed; \
And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: \
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; \
Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. \
Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, \
Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. \
',' \
By the time you swear you\'re his, \
shivering and sighing \
and he vows his passion is \
infinite, undying -- \
Lady, make a note of this: \
One of you is lying. \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" \
',' \
By the yard, life is hard. \
By the inch, it\'s a cinch. \
',' \
Calm down, it\'s only ones and zeroes, \
Calm down, it\'s only bits and bytes, \
Calm down, and speak to me in English, \
Please realize that I\'m not one of your computerites. \
',' \
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? \
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, \
A root or two, a torus and a node: \
The inverse of my verse, a null domain. \
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" \
',' \
Candy \
Is dandy \
But liquor \
Is quicker. \
		-- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" \
 \
Fortune updates the great quotes: #53. \
	Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker, \
	and sex won\'t rot your teeth. \
',' \
Catch a wave and you\'re sitting on top of the world. \
		-- The Beach Boys \
',' \
Cecil, you\'re my final hope \
Of finding out the true Straight Dope \
For I have been reading of Schrodinger\'s cat \
But none of my cats are at all like that. \
This unusual animal (so it is said) \
Is simultaneously alive and dead! \
What I don\'t understand is just why he \
Can\'t be one or the other, unquestionably. \
My future now hangs in between eigenstates. \
In one I\'m enlightened, in the other I ain\'t. \
If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way \
And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. \
But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, \
Then I will *___and* I won\'t see you in Schrodinger\'s zoo. \
		-- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium \
		   of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams \
',' \
Certainly there are things in life that money can\'t buy, \
But it\'s very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money? \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
Charlie was a chemist, \
But Charlie is no more. \
For what he thought was H2O, \
Was H2SO4. \
',' \
Children aren\'t happy without something to ignore, \
And that\'s what parents were created for. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
Chivalry, Schmivalry! \
	Roger the thief has a \
	method he uses for \
	sneaky attacks: \
Folks who are reading are \
	Characteristically \
	Always Forgetting to \
	Guard their own bac ... \
',' \
Christmas time is here, by Golly;	Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens; \
Disapproval would be folly;		Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens; \
Deck the halls with hunks of holly;	Even though the prospect sickens, \
Fill the cup and don\'t say when...	Brother, here we go again. \
 \
On Christmas day, you can\'t get sore;	Relations sparing no expense\'ll, \
Your fellow man you must adore;		Send some useless old utensil, \
There\'s time to rob him all the more,	Or a matching pen and pencil, \
The other three hundred and sixty-four!	Just the thing I need... how nice. \
 \
It doesn\'t matter how sincere		Hark The Herald-Tribune sings, \
It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit;	Advertising wondrous things. \
Sentiment will not endear it;		God Rest Ye Merry Merchants, \
What\'s important is... the price.	May you make the Yuletide pay. \
					Angels We Have Heard On High, \
Let the raucous sleighbells jingle;	Tell us to go out and buy. \
Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle,	Sooooo... \
Driving his reindeer across the sky, \
Don\'t stand underneath when they fly by! \
		-- Tom Lehrer \
',' \
Cold be hand and heart and bone, \
and cold be sleep under stone; \
never more to wake on stony bed, \
never, till the Sun fails and the Moon is dead. \
 \
In the black wind the stars shall die, \
and still on gold here let them lie, \
till the dark lord lifts his hand \
over dead sea and withered land. \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring \
Your winter garment of repentence fling. \
The bird of time has but a little way \
To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing. \
		-- Omar Khayyam \
',' \
Come live with me and be my love, \
And we will some new pleasures prove \
Of golden sands and crystal brooks \
With silken lines, and silver hooks. \
There\'s nothing that I wouldn\'t do \
If you would be my POSSLQ. \
 \
You live with me, and I with you, \
And you will be my POSSLQ. \
I\'ll be your friend and so much more; \
That\'s what a POSSLQ is for. \
 \
And everything we will confess; \
Yes, even to the IRS. \
Some day on what we both may earn, \
Perhaps we\'ll file a joint return. \
You\'ll share my pad, my taxes, joint; \
You\'ll share my life - up to a point! \
And that you\'ll be so glad to do, \
Because you\'ll be my POSSLQ. \
',' \
Come live with me, and be my love, \
And we will some new pleasures prove \
Of golden sands, and crystal brooks, \
With silken lines, and silver hooks. \
		-- John Donne \
',' \
Come on, Virginia, don\'t make me wait! \
Catholic girls start much too late, \
Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate, \
I might as well be the one. \
Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray, \
Built you a temple and locked you away, \
Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid, \
The things that you might have done. \
So come on, Virginia, show me a sign, \
Send up a signal, I\'ll throw you a line, \
That stained glass curtain that you\'re hiding behind, \
Never lets in the sun. \
Darling, only the good die young! \
		-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" \
',' \
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, \
And every vector dreams of matrices. \
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: \
It whispers of a more ergodic zone. \
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" \
',' \
Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, \
Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we\'ll get sober. \
		-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 \
',' \
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, \
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, \
Their indices bedecked from one to _n, \
Commingled in an endless Markov chain! \
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" \
',' \
Come, muse, let us sing of rats! \
		-- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767 \
',' \
Come, you spirits \
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, \
And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full \
Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, \
Stop up the access and passage to remorse \
That no compunctious visiting of nature \
Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between \
The effect and it! Come to my woman\'s breasts, \
And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, \
Wherever in your sightless substances \
You wait on nature\'s mischief! Come, thick night, \
And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, \
That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, \
Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, \
To cry `Hold, hold!\' \
		-- Lady MacBeth \
',' \
Coming to Stores Near You: \
 \
101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: \
 \
	(You Aren\'t Anything but a) Hound Dog \
	It Doesn\'t Mean a Thing If It Hasn\'t Got That Swing \
	I\'m Not Misbehaving \
 \
And A Whole Lot More... \
',' \
Confusion will be my epitaph \
as I walk a cracked and broken path \
If we make it we can all sit back and laugh \
but I fear that tomorrow we\'ll be crying. \
		-- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King" \
',' \
Death comes on every passing breeze, \
He lurks in every flower; \
Each season has its own disease, \
Its peril -- every hour. \
	--Reginald Heber \
',' \
	Deck us all with Boston Charlie, \
	Walla Walla, Wash., an\' Kalamazoo! \
	Nora\'s freezin\' on the trolley, \
	Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! \
 \
	Don\'t we know archaic barrel, \
	Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. \
	Trolley Molly don\'t love Harold, \
	Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! \
		-- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" [Walt Kelly] \
',' \
Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. \
		-- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" \
',' \
Despising machines to a man, \
The Luddites joined up with the Klan, \
	And ride out by night \
	In a sheeting of white \
To lynch all the robots they can. \
		-- C. M. and G. A. Maxson \
',' \
Didja\' ever have to make up your mind, \
Pick up on one and leave the other behind, \
It\'s not often easy, and it\'s not often kind, \
Didja\' ever have to make up your mind? \
		-- Lovin\' Spoonful \
',' \
Disillusioned words like bullets bark, \
As human gods aim for their mark, \
Make everything from toy guns that spark \
To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark. \
It\'s easy to see without looking too far \
That not much is really sacred. \
		-- Bob Dylan \
',' \
Do your otters do the shimmy? \
Do they like to shake their tails? \
Do your wombats sleep in tophats? \
Is your garden full of snails? \
',' \
Don\'t be concerned, it will not harm you, \
It\'s only me pursuing something I\'m not sure of, \
Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, \
I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. \
',' \
Don\'t let nobody tell you what you cannot do; \
don\'t let nobody tell you what\'s impossible for you; \
don\'t let nobody tell you what you got to do, \
or you\'ll never know ... what\'s on the other side of the rainbow... \
remember, if you don\'t follow your dreams, \
you\'ll never know what\'s on the other side of the rainbow... \
		-- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" \
',' \
Don\'t lose \
Your head \
To gain a minute \
You need your head \
Your brains are in it. \
		-- Burma Shave \
',' \
Don\'t wake me up too soon... \
Gonna take a ride across the moon... \
You and me. \
',' \
Double Bucky, you\'re the one, \
You make my keyboard so much fun, \
Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o) \
Control and meta, side by side, \
Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide! \
Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! \
 \
Oh, I sure wish that I, \
Had a couple of bits more! \
Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. \
 \
Double Double Bucky!  Double Bucky left and right \
OR\'d together, outta sight! \
Double Bucky, I\'d like a whole word of, \
Double Bucky, I\'m happy I heard of, \
Double Bucky, I\'d like a whole word of you! \
		-- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit \
		be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use \
		by screen editors.  [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"] \
',' \
Down to the Banana Republics, \
Down to the tropical sun. \
Go the expatriated Americans, \
Hoping to find some fun. \
Some of them go for the sailing, \
Caught by the lure of the sea. \
Trying to find what is ailing, \
Living in the land of the free. \
Some of them are running from lovers, \
Leaving no forward address. \
Some of them are running tons of ganja, \
Some are running from the IRS. \
Late at night you will find them, \
In the cheap hotels and bars. \
Hustling the senoritas, \
While they dance beneath the stars. \
		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" \
',' \
Drink and dance and laugh and lie \
Love, the reeling midnight through \
For tomorrow we shall die! \
(But, alas, we never do.) \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" \
',' \
Easy come and easy go, \
	some call me easy money, \
Sometimes life is full of laughs, \
	and sometimes it ain\'t funny \
You may think that I\'m a fool \
	and sometimes that is true, \
But I\'m goin\' to heaven in a flash of fire, \
	with or without you. \
		-- Hoyt Axton \
',' \
Eleanor Rigby \
	Sits at the keyboard \
	And waits for a line on the screen \
Lives in a dream \
Waits for a signal \
	Finding some code \
	That will make the machine do some more. \
What is it for? \
 \
All the lonely users, where do they all come from? \
All the lonely users, why does it take so long? \
 \
Hacker MacKensie \
Writing the code for a program that no one will run \
It\'s nearly done \
Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there\'s \
	nobody there. \
What does he care? \
 \
All the lonely users, where do they all come from? \
All the lonely users, why does it take so long? \
Ah, look at all the lonely users. \
Ah, look at all the lonely users. \
',' \
Endless the world\'s turn, endless the sun\'s spinning \
Endless the quest; \
I turn again, back to my own beginning, \
And here, find rest. \
',' \
Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven \
	Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; \
Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven \
	Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. \
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" \
',' \
Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen; \
Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. \
		-- Goethe, "Faust" \
',' \
Even a man who is pure at heart, \
And says his prayers at night \
Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, \
And the moon is full and bright. \
		-- The Wolf Man, 1941 \
',' \
Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, \
When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, \
Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; \
And that I knew, though not the day and hour. \
Too season-wise am I, being country-bred, \
To tilt at autumn or defy the frost: \
Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did, \
I say with them, "What\'s out tonight is lost." \
I only hoped, with the mild hope of all \
Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree, \
A fairer summer and a later fall \
Than in these parts a man is apt to see, \
And sunny clusters ripened for the wine: \
I tell you this across the blackened vine. \
		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of \
		   Our Earliest Kiss", 1931 \
',' \
Ever Onward!  Ever Onward! \
That\'s the sprit that has brought us fame. \
We\'re big but bigger we will be, \
We can\'t fail for all can see, that to serve humanity \
Has been our aim. \
Our products now are known in every zone. \
Our reputation sparkles like a gem. \
We\'ve fought our way thru \
And new fields we\'re sure to conquer, too \
For the Ever Onward IBM! \
		-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook \
',' \
Ever since I was a young boy, \
I\'ve hacked the ARPA net, \
From Berkeley down to Rutgers,		He\'s on my favorite terminal, \
Any access I could get,			He cats C right into foo, \
But ain\'t seen nothing like him,	His disciples lead him in, \
On any campus yet,			And he just breaks the root, \
That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,		Always has full SYS-PRIV\'s, \
Sure sends a mean packet.		Never uses lint, \
					That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, \
					Sure sends a mean packet. \
He\'s a UNIX wizard, \
There has to be a twist. \
The UNIX wizard\'s got			Ain\'t got no distractions, \
Unlimited space on disk.		Can\'t hear no whistles or bells, \
How do you think he does it?		Can\'t see no message flashing, \
I don\'t know.				Types by sense of smell, \
What makes him so good?			Those crazy little programs, \
					The proper bit flags set, \
					That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, \
					Sure sends a mean packet. \
		-- UNIX Wizard \
',' \
Every love\'s the love before \
In a duller dress. \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" \
',' \
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. \
		-- Miguel de Cervantes \
',' \
Every night my prayers I say, \
	And get my dinner every day; \
And every day that I\'ve been good, \
	I get an orange after food. \
The child that is not clean and neat, \
	With lots of toys and things to eat, \
He is a naughty child, I\'m sure-- \
	Or else his dear papa is poor. \
		-- Robert Louis Stevenson \
',' \
Everybody knows that the dice are loaded.  Everybody rolls with their \
fingers crossed.  Everybody knows the war is over.  Everybody knows the \
good guys lost.  Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay \
poor, the rich get rich.  That\'s how it goes.  Everybody knows. \
 \
Everybody knows that the boat is leaking.  Everybody knows the captain \
lied.  Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog \
just died. \
 \
Everybody talking to their pockets.  Everybody wants a box of chocolates \
and long stem rose.  Everybody knows. \
 \
Everybody knows that you love me, baby.  Everybody knows that you really \
do.  Everybody knows that you\'ve been faithful, give or take a night or \
two.  Everybody knows you\'ve been discreet, but there were so many people \
you just had to meet without your clothes.  And everybody knows. \
 \
And everybody knows it\'s now or never.  Everybody knows that it\'s me or you. \
And everybody knows that you live forever when you\'ve done a line or two. \
Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe\'s still pickin\' cotton \
for you ribbons and bows.  And everybody knows. \
	-- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows" \
',' \
Everything\'s great in this good old world; \
(This is the stuff they can always use.) \
God\'s in his heaven, the hill\'s dew-pearled; \
(This will provide for baby\'s shoes.) \
Hunger and War do not mean a thing; \
Everything\'s rosy where\'er we roam; \
Hark, how the little birds gaily sing! \
(This is what fetches the bacon home.) \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse" \
',' \
Everywhere you go you\'ll see them searching, \
Everywhere you turn you\'ll feel the pain, \
Everyone is looking for the answer, \
Well look again. \
		-- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World" \
',' \
F:	When into a room I plunge, I \
	Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. \
	Then I linger, darkly brooding \
	On the poison they\'re exuding. \
		-- The Roguelet\'s ABC \
',' \
Families, when a child is born \
Want it to be intelligent. \
I, through intelligence, \
Having wrecked my whole life, \
Only hope the baby will prove \
Ignorant and stupid. \
Then he will crown a tranquil life \
By becoming a Cabinet Minister \
		-- Su Tung-p\'o \
',' \
Farewell we call to hearth and hall! \
Though wind may blow and rain may fall, \
We must away ere break of day \
Far over wood and mountain tall. \
 \
	To Rivendell, where Elves yet dwell \
	In glades beneath the misty fell, \
	Through moor and waste we ride in haste, \
	And whither then we cannot tell. \
 \
With foes ahead, behind us dread, \
Beneath the sky shall be our bed, \
Until at last our toil be passed, \
Our journey done, our errand sped. \
 \
	We must away!  We must away! \
	We ride before the break of day! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, \
An endothermic quadroped, carnivorous by nature. \
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses \
Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. \
I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, \
A singular development of cat communications \
That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection \
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. \
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents: \
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance; \
And when not being utilitized to aid in locomotion, \
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. \
Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display \
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. \
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, \
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. \
	-- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot" \
',' \
Fifteen men on a dead man\'s chest, \
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! \
Drink and the devil had done for the rest, \
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! \
		-- Stevenson, "Treasure Island" \
',' \
Fifty flippant frogs \
Walked by on flippered feet \
And with their slime they made the time \
Unnaturally fleet. \
',' \
Finality is death. \
Perfection is finality. \
Nothing is perfect. \
There are lumps in it. \
',' \
Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, \
Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn\'t here, \
I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin\' hard, \
And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, \
Yes, I\'m goin\' insane, \
And I\'m laughing at the frozen rain, \
Well, I\'m so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? \
	Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, \
	Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a \
	Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... \
You fellah, you tearin\' up the street, \
You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, \
Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don\'t see, \
That ditch out in the Valley that they\'re diggin\' just for me, \
Yes, and goin\' insane, \
You know I\'m laughin\' at the frozen rain, \
Feel like I\'m so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? \
(chorus) \
		-- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" \
',' \
Flying saucers on occasion \
	Show themselves to human eyes. \
Aliens fume, put off invasion \
	While they brand these tales as lies. \
',' \
"For a couple o\' pins," says Troll, and grins, \
"I\'ll eat thee too, and gnaw thy shins. \
A bit o\' fresh meat will go down sweet! \
I\'ll try my teeth on thee now. \
	Hee now!  See now! \
I\'m tired o\' gnawing old bones and skins; \
I\'ve a mind to dine on thee now." \
 \
But just as he thought his dinner was caught, \
He found his hands had hold of naught. \
Before he could mind, Tom slipped behing \
And gave him the boot to larn him. \
	Warn him!  Darn him! \
A bump o\' the boot on the seat, Tom thoguht, \
Would be the way to larn him. \
 \
But harder than stone is the flesh and bone \
Of a troll that sits in the hills alone. \
As well set your boot to the mountain\'s root, \
For the seat of a troll don\'t feel it. \
	Peel it!  Heal it! \
Old Troll laughed, when he heard Tom groan, \
And he knew his toes could feel it. \
 \
Tom\'s leg is game, since home he came, \
And his bootless foot is lasting lame; \
But Troll don\'t care, and he\'s still there \
With the bone he boned from its owner. \
	Doner!  Boner! \
Troll\'s old seat is still the same, \
And the bone he boned from its owner! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
For gin, in cruel \
Sober truth, \
Supplies the fuel \
For flaming youth. \
		-- Noel Coward \
',' \
For knighthood is not in the feats of war, \
As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong, \
But in a cause which truth cannot defer: \
He ought himself for to make sure and strong, \
Just to keep mixt with mercy among: \
And no quarrel a knight ought to take \
But for a truth, or for the common\'s sake. \
		-- Stephen Hawes \
',' \
"Force is but might," the teacher said-- \
"That definition\'s just." \
The boy said naught but thought instead, \
Remembering his pounded head: \
"Force is not might but must!" \
',' \
Four be the things I am wiser to know: \
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. \
 \
Four be the things I\'d been better without: \
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. \
 \
Three be the things I shall never attain: \
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. \
 \
Three be the things I shall have till I die: \
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory" [or "Not so Deep as a Well"?] \
',' \
Friends, Romans, Hipsters, \
Let me clue you in; \
I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. \
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; \
The hip bits, like, go down under;  \
so let it lay with Caesar.  The cool Brutus \
Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; \
If that\'s the sound, someone\'s copping a plea, \
And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. \
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, --  \
for Brutus is a real cool cat; \
So are they all, all cool cats, -- \
Come I to make this gig at Caesar\'s laying down. \
',' \
From too much love of living, \
From hope and fear set free, \
We thank with brief thanksgiving, \
Whatever gods may be, \
That no life lives forever, \
That dead men rise up never, \
That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. \
		-- Swinburne \
',' \
Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. \
		-- Dylan Thomas [paraphrased periphrastically] \
',' \
Get out, you old Wight!  Vanish in the sunlight! \
Shrivel like the cold mist, like the winds go wailing, \
Out into the barren lands far beyond the mountains! \
Come never here again!  Leave your barrow empty! \
Lost and forgotten be, darker than the darkness, \
Where gates stand for ever shut, till the world is mended. \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Gibson\'s Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): \
 \
\'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la) \
Snatch them from their little housies (...) \
First we chase them \'round the field (...) \
Then we have them for a meal (...) \
 \
Toss them here and catch them there (...) \
See them flying through the air (...) \
Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...) \
Falling mice have great appeal (...) \
 \
See the hunter stretched before us (...) \
He\'s chased the mice in field and forest (...) \
Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...) \
Of the blood of little critters (...) \
',' \
Gil-galad was an Elven-king. \
Of him the harpers sadly sing: \
the last whose realm was fair and free \
between the Mountains and the Sea. \
 \
His sword was long, his lance was keen, \
his shining helm afar was seen; \
the countless stars of heaven\'s field \
were mirrored in his silver shield. \
 \
But long ago he rode away, \
and where he dwelleth none can say; \
for into darkness fell his star \
in Mordor where the shadows are. \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, \
    Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ... \
But if you split those atoms fine, \
    Mama keep \'em off those genes of mine! \
 \
Gimme zits, take my dough, \
    Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ... \
Call the devil and sell my soul, \
    But Mama keep dem atoms whole! \
		-- Milo Bloom, "The Split-Atom Blues," in "Bloom County" \
',' \
Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, \
Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow! \
But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, \
Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. \
		-- George Canning \
',' \
Give me your students, your secretaries, \
Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, \
The wretched refuse of your Selectric III\'s. \
Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. \
I lift my disk beside the processor. \
		-- Inscription on a Word Processor \
',' \
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, \
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. \
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. \
Rotate your tires. \
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, \
And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. \
Know what to kiss -- and when. \
Remember that two wrongs never make a right, \
But that three do. \
Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". \
Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, \
And despite the changing fortunes of time, \
There is always a big future in computer maintenance. \
 \
	You are a fluke of the universe ... \
	You have no right to be here. \
	Whether you can hear it or not, the universe \
	Is laughing behind your back. \
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" \
',' \
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may \
be in owning a piece thereof. \
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" \
',' \
God rest ye CS students now,		The bearings on the drum are gone, \
Let nothing you dismay.			The disk is wobbling, too. \
The VAX is down and won\'t be up,	We\'ve found a bug in Lisp, and Algol \
Until the first of May.			Can\'t tell false from true. \
The program that was due this morn,	And now we find that we can\'t get \
Won\'t be postponed, they say.		At Berkeley\'s 4.2. \
(chorus)				(chorus) \
 \
We\'ve just received a call from DEC,	And now some cheery news for you, \
They\'ll send without delay		The network\'s also dead, \
A monitor called RSuX			We\'ll have to print your files on \
It takes nine hundred K.		The line printer instead. \
The staff committed suicide,		The turnaround time\'s nineteen weeks. \
We\'ll bury them today.			And only cards are read. \
(chorus)				(chorus) \
 \
And now we\'d like to say to you		CHORUS:	Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, \
Before we go away,				Comfort and joy, \
We hope the news we\'ve brought to you		Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. \
Won\'t ruin your whole day. \
You\'ve got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. \
(chorus) \
		-- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen \
',' \
Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields \
Sold in a market down in New Orleans \
Scarred old slaver knows he\'s doing alright \
Hear him whip the women, just around midnight \
 \
Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good? \
Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should \
 \
Drums beating cold English blood runs hot \
Lady of the house wonderin\' where it\'s gonna stop \
House boy knows that he\'s doing alright \
You should a heard him just around midnight. \
... \
I bet your mama was tent show queen \
And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen \
I\'m no school boy but I know what I like \
You should have heard me just around midnight. \
		-- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar" \
',' \
Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, \
I went out for a ride and never came back. \
Like a river that don\'t know where it\'s flowing, \
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going. \
 \
	Everybody\'s got a hungry heart. \
	Everybody\'s got a hungry heart. \
	Lay down your money and you play your part, \
	Everybody\'s got a hungry heart. \
 \
I met her in a Kingstown bar, \
We fell in love, I knew it had to end. \
We took what we had and we ripped it apart, \
Now here I am down in Kingstown again. \
 \
Everybody needs a place to rest, \
Everybody wants to have a home. \
Don\'t make no difference what nobody says, \
Ain\'t nobody likes to be alone. \
		-- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" \
',' \
Graphics blind the eyes. \
Audio files deafen the ear. \
Mouse clicks numb the fingers. \
Heuristics weaken the mind. \
Options wither the heart. \
 \
The Guru observes the net  \
but trusts his inner vision. \
He allows things to come and go. \
His heart is as open as the ether. \
',' \
H:	If a \'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, \
	Slice him up before he slays you. \
	Nothing makes you look a slob \
	Like running from a HOB\'LIN (GOB). \
		-- The Roguelet\'s ABC \
',' \
	Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there \
may be in Science.  As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. \
Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results.  And listen to others, \
even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers.  Avoid loud and \
aggressive persons, for they are sales reps. \
	If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised, \
for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched. \
Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real \
hassle and could change your fortunes in time. \
	Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of \
bugs.  But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive \
for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations.  Strive for \
proportionality.  Especially, do not faint when it occurs.  Neither be cyclical \
about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed. \
	Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points.  Gracefully pass \
them on to the youth at the next desk.  Nurture some mutual funds to shield \
you in times of sudden layoffs.  But do not distress yourself with imaginings \
-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly.  Murphy\'s Law runs the \
Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0. \
	Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you \
can conceive of to try.  With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken \
line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary.  Be linear.  Strive \
to stay employed. \
		-- Technolorata, "Analog" \
',' \
"Had he and I but met \
By some old ancient inn,		But ranged as infantry, \
We should have sat us down to wet	And staring face to face, \
Right many a nipperkin!			I shot at him as he at me, \
					And killed him in his place. \
I shot him dead because -- \
Because he was my foe,			He thought he\'d \'list, perhaps, \
Just so: my foe of course he was;	Off-hand-like -- just as I -- \
That\'s clear enough; although		Was out of work -- had sold his traps \
					No other reason why. \
Yes; quaint and curious war is! \
You shoot a fellow down \
You\'d treat, if met where any bar is \
Or help to half-a-crown." \
		-- Thomas Hardy \
',' \
Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. \
But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity.  See? \
But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, \
When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? \
',' \
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. \
		-- Pink Floyd \
',' \
		Hard Copies and Chmod \
 \
And everyone thinks computers are impersonal \
cold diskdrives hardware monitors \
user-hostile software  \
 \
of course they\'re only bits and bytes  \
and characters and strings  \
and files \
 \
just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend \
telling me he loves me and \
he\'ll take care of me \
 \
simply a discarded printout of a friend\'s directory \
deep intimate secrets and \
how he doesn\'t trust me \
 \
couldn\'t hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould \
on personal stationery \
		-- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu \
',' \
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, \
Advertising wondrous things. \
 \
Angels we have heard on High \
Tell us to go out and Buy. \
		-- Tom Lehrer \
',' \
Have you ever felt like a wounded cow \
halfway between an oven and a pasture? \
walking in a trance toward a pregnant \
	seventeen-year-old housewife\'s \
	two-day-old cookbook? \
		-- Richard Brautigan \
',' \
Have you seen how Sonny\'s burning, \
Like some bright erotic star, \
He lights up the proceedings, \
And raises the temperature. \
		-- The Birthday Party, "Sonny\'s Burning" \
',' \
Have you seen the old man in the closed down market, \
Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? \
In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side \
Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news. \
 \
How can you tell me you\'re lonely, \
And say for you the sun don\'t shine? \
Let me take you by the hand \
Lead you through the streets of London \
I\'ll show you something to make you change your mind... \
 \
Have you seen the old man outside the sea-man\'s mission \
Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears. \
In our winter city the rain cries a little pity \
For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn\'t care... \
',' \
Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue? \
On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air, \
High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars, \
Spending every dime, for a wonderful time... \
If you\'re blue and you don\'t know where to go to, \
Why don\'t you go where fashion sits, \
... \
Dressed up like a million dollar trooper, \
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper) \
Come, let\'s mix where Rockefeller\'s walk with sticks, \
Or umberellas, in their mitts, \
Puttin\' on the Ritz. \
... \
If you\'re blue and you don\'t know where to go to, \
Why don\'t you go where fashion sits, \
Puttin\' on the Ritz. \
Puttin\' on the Ritz. \
Puttin\' on the Ritz. \
Puttin\' on the Ritz. \
',' \
He heard there oft the flying sound \
Of feet as light as linden-leaves, \
Of music welling underground, \
In hidden hollows quavering. \
Now withered lay the hemlock-sheaves, \
And one by one with sighing sound \
Whispering fell the beechen leaves \
In the wintry woodland wavering. \
 \
He sought her ever, wandering far \
Where leaves of years were thickly strewn, \
By light of moon and ray of star \
In frosty heavens shivering. \
Her mantle glinted in the moon, \
As on a hill-top high and far \
She danced, and at her feet was strewn \
A mist of silver quivering. \
 \
When winter passed, she came again, \
And her song released the sudden spring, \
Like rising lark, and falling rain, \
And melting water bubbling. \
He saw the elven-flowers spring \
About her feet, and healed again \
He longed by her to dance and sing \
Upon the grass untroubling. \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
He thought he saw an albatross \
That fluttered \'round the lamp. \
He looked again and saw it was \
A penny postage stamp. \
"You\'d best be getting home," he said, \
"The nights are rather damp." \
',' \
He who invents adages for others to peruse \
takes along rowboat when going on cruise. \
',' \
He who loses, wins the race, \
And parallel lines meet in space. \
		-- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth" \
',' \
He\'s been like a father to me, \
He\'s the only DJ you can get after three, \
I\'m an all-night musician in a rock and roll band, \
And why he don\'t like me I don\'t understand. \
		-- The Byrds \
',' \
Her locks an ancient lady gave \
Her loving husband\'s life to save; \
And men -- they honored so the dame -- \
Upon some stars bestowed her name. \
 \
But to our modern married fair, \
Who\'d give their lords to save their hair, \
No stellar recognition\'s given. \
There are not stars enough in heaven. \
',' \
Here I am again right where I know I shouldn\'t be \
I\'ve been caught inside this trap too many times \
I must\'ve walked these steps and said these words a \
	thousand times before \
It seems like I know everybody\'s lines. \
		-- David Bromberg, "How Late\'ll You Play \'Til?" \
',' \
Here I sit, broken-hearted, \
All logged in, but work unstarted. \
First net.this and net.that, \
And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. \
 \
The boss comes by, and I play the game, \
Then I turn back to net.flame. \
Is there a cure (I need your views), \
For someone trapped in net.news? \
 \
I need your help, I say \'tween sobs, \
\'Cause I\'ll soon be listed in net.jobs. \
',' \
Here in my heart, I am Helen; \
	I\'m Aspasia and Hero, at least. \
I\'m Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; \
	I\'m Salome, moon of the East. \
 \
Here in my soul I am Sappho; \
	Lady Hamilton am I, as well. \
In me R\'ecamier vies with Kitty O\'Shea, \
	With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. \
 \
I\'m all of the glamorous ladies \
	At whose beckoning history shook. \
But you are a man, and see only my pan, \
	So I stay at home with a book. \
		-- Dorothy Parker \
',' \
HERE LIES LESTER MOORE \
SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 \
NO LES \
NO MOORE \
		-- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ \
',' \
Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo! \
Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow! \
Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Hey! Come derry dol!  Hop along, my hearties! \
Hobbits!  Ponies all!  We are fond of parties. \
Now let the fun begin!  Let us sing together! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Hey! Come merry dol! derry dol!  My darling! \
Light goes the weather-wind and the feathered starling. \
 \
Down along under Hill, shining in the sunlight, \
Waiting on the doorstep for the cold starlight, \
There my pretty lady is, River-woman\'s daughter, \
Slender as the willow-wand, clearer than the water. \
 \
Old Tom Bombadil water-lilies bringing \
Comes hopping home again.  Can you hear him singing? \
Hey!  Come merry dol! derry dol! and merry-o \
Goldberry, Goldberry, merry yellow berry-o! \
 \
Poor old Willow-man, you tuck your roots away! \
Tom\'s in a hurry now.  Evening will follow day. \
Tom\'s going home again water-lilies bringing. \
Hey! come derry dol!  Can you hear me singing? \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Hey! now!  Come hoy now!  Whither do you wander? \
Up, down, near or far, here, there or yonder? \
Sharp-ears, Wise-nose, Swish-tail and Bumpkin, \
White-socks my little lad, and old Fatty Lumpkin! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl \
To get a little more stack; \
If that\'s not enough then you lose it all \
And have to pop all the way back. \
',' \
Hickory Dickory Dock, \
The mice ran up the clock, \
The clock struck one, \
The others escaped with minor injuries. \
',' \
Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich; \
Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich. \
Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt,	Here lies a man with sundry flaws \
Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt.	And numerous Sins upon his head; \
					We buried him today because \
					As far as we can tell, he\'s dead. \
 \
		-- PDQ Bach\'s epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty \
		   Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher; \
		   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele \
',' \
Higgeldy Piggeldy, \
Hamlet of Elsinore \
Ruffled the critics by \
Dropping this bomb: \
"Phooey on Freud and his \
Psychoanalysis -- \
Oedipus, Shmoedipus, \
I just love Mom." \
',' \
...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. \
		-- The Who, "Tommy" \
',' \
History is curious stuff \
	You\'d think by now we had enough \
Yet the fact remains I fear \
	They make more of it every year. \
',' \
Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy, \
Burn that sausage just a match or two more done. \
Pour my black old coffee longer, \
While that smell is gettin\' stronger \
A semi-meal ain\'t nuthin\' much to want. \
 \
Loan me ten, I got a feelin\' it\'ll save me, \
With an ornery soul who don\'t shoot pool for fun, \
If that coat\'ll fit you\'re wearin\', \
The Lord\'ll bless your sharin\' \
A semi-friend ain\'t nuthin\' much to want. \
 \
And let me halfway fall in love, \
For part of a lonely night, \
With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. \
Yes, I could halfway fall in deep-- \
Into a snugglin\', lovin\' heap, \
With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. \
		-- Elroy Blunt \
',' \
Ho! Ho! Ho! to the bottle I go \
To heal my heart and drown my woe. \
Rain may fall and wind may blow, \
And many miles be still to go, \
But under a tall tree I will lie, \
And let the clouds go sailing by. \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo! \
By water, wood and hill, by reed and willow, \
By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us! \
Come, Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Hop along my little friends, up the Withywindle! \
Tom\'s going on ahead candles for to kindle. \
Down west sinks the Sun; soon you will be groping. \
When the night-shadows fall, then the door will open, \
Out of the winfow-panes light will twinkle yellow. \
Fear no alder black!  Heed no hoary willow! \
Fear neither root nor bough!  Tom goes on before you. \
Hey now! merry dol!  We\'ll be waiting for you! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
How can you have any pudding if you don\'t eat your meat? \
		-- Pink Floyd \
',' \
How doth the little crocodile \
	Improve his shining tail, \
And pour the waters of the Nile \
	On every golden scale! \
 \
How cheerfully he seems to grin, \
	How neatly spreads his claws, \
And welcomes little fishes in, \
	With gently smiling jaws! \
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" \
',' \
How doth the VAX\'s C-compiler \
	Improve its object code. \
And even as we speak does it \
	Increase the system load. \
 \
How patiently it seems to run \
	And spit out error flags, \
While users, with frustration, all \
	Tear their clothes to rags. \
',' \
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, \
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! \
All the king\'s horses, \
And all the king\'s men, \
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! \
',' \
I always will remember --		I was in no mood to trifle; \
\'Twas a year ago November --		I got down my trusty rifle \
I went out to shoot some deer		And went out to stalk my prey -- \
On a morning bright and clear.		What a haul I made that day! \
I went and shot the maximum		I tied them to my bumper and \
The game laws would allow:		I drove them home somehow, \
Two game wardens, seven hunters,	Two game wardens, seven hunters, \
And a cow.				And a cow. \
 \
The Law was very firm, it		People ask me how I do it \
Took away my permit--			And I say, "There\'s nothin\' to it! \
The worst punishment I ever endured.	You just stand there lookin\' cute, \
It turns out there was a reason:	And when something moves, you shoot." \
Cows were out of season, and		And there\'s ten stuffed heads \
One of the hunters wasn\'t insured.	In my trophy room right now: \
					Two game wardens, seven hunters, \
					And a pure-bred guernsey cow. \
		-- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song" \
',' \
I am changing my name to Chrysler \
I am going down to Washington, D.C. \
I will tell some power broker \
	What they did for Iacocca \
Will be perfectly acceptable to me! \
 \
I am changing my name to Chrysler, \
I am heading for that great receiving line. \
When they hand a million grand out, \
	I\'ll be standing with my hand out, \
Yessir, I\'ll get mine! \
',' \
I B M \
U B M \
We all B M \
For I B M!!!! \
		-- H.A.R.L.I.E. \
',' \
I can live without \
Someone I love \
But not without \
Someone I need. \
		-- "Safety" \
',' \
I can see him a\'comin\' \
With his big boots on, \
With his big thumb out, \
He wants to get me. \
He wants to hurt me. \
He wants to bring me down. \
But some time later, \
When I feel a little straighter, \
I\'ll come across a stranger \
Who\'ll remind me of the danger, \
And then.... I\'ll run him over. \
Pretty smart on my part! \
To find my way... In the dark! \
		-- Phil Ochs \
',' \
I can\'t complain, but sometimes I still do. \
		-- Joe Walsh \
',' \
I don\'t know what Descartes\' got, \
But booze can do what Kant cannot. \
		-- Mike Cross \
',' \
I don\'t need no arms around me... \
I don\'t need no drugs to calm me... \
I have seen the writing on the wall. \
Don\'t think I need anything at all. \
No!  Don\'t think I need anything at all! \
All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. \
All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. \
		-- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III \
',' \
I don\'t wanna argue, and I don\'t wanna fight, \
But there will definitely be a party tonight... \
',' \
I don\'t want a pickle, \
	I just wanna ride on my motorsickle. \
And I don\'t want to die, \
	I just want to ride on my motorcy. \
Cle. \
		-- Arlo Guthrie \
',' \
I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; \
I gave my love a building, that had no floor; \
I wrote my love a program, that had no end; \
I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin\'. \
 \
How can there be an Apple, that has no core? \
How can there be a building, that has no floor? \
How can there be a program, that has no end? \
How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin\'? \
 \
An Apple\'s MOS memory don\'t use no core! \
A building that\'s perfect, it has no flaw! \
A program with GOTOs, it has no end! \
I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin\'! \
',' \
I get up each morning, gather my wits. \
Pick up the paper, read the obits. \
If I\'m not there I know I\'m not dead. \
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. \
 \
Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? \
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. \
But in spite of it all, I\'m able to grin, \
And think of the places my get-up has been. \
		-- Pete Seeger \
',' \
I had an errand there: gathering water-lilies, \
green leaves and lilies white to please my pretty lady, \
the last ere the year\'s end to keep them from the winter, \
to flower by her pretty feet till the snows are melted. \
 \
Each year at summer\'s end I go to find them for her, \
in a wide pool, deep and clear, far down Withywindle; \
there they open first in spring and there they linger latest. \
 \
By that pool long ago I found the River-daughter, \
fair young Goldberry sitting in the rushes. \
Sweet was her singing then, and her heart was beating! \
 \
And that proved well for you--for now I shall no longer \
go down deep again along the forest-water, \
no while the year is old.  Nor shall I be passing \
Old Man Willow\'s house this side of spring-time, \
not till the merry spring, when the River-daughter \
dances down the withy-path to bathe in the water. \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, \
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. \
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head; \
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed. \
 \
The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- \
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; \
For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, \
And he sometimes gets so little that there\'s none of him at all. \
		-- R.L. Stevenson \
',' \
I have learned \
To spell hors d\'oeuvres \
Which still grates on  \
Some people\'s n\'oeuvres. \
		-- Warren Knox \
',' \
I have lots of things in my pockets; \
None of them is worth anything. \
Sociopolitical whines aside, \
Gan you give me, gratis, free, \
The price of half a gallon \
Of Gallo extra bad \
And most of the bus fare home. \
',' \
I have no doubt the Devil grins, \
As seas of ink I spatter. \
Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins-- \
The other kind don\'t matter. \
		-- Robert W. Service \
',' \
I have that old biological urge, \
I have that old irresistible surge, \
I\'m hungry. \
',' \
I knew Leo G. Carrol \
Was over a barrel \
When Tarantula took to the hills.	["Lick it!"] \
And I really got hot \
When I saw Jeanette Scott \
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills. \
 \
Science fiction, double feature \
Doctor X will build a creature. \
See androids fighting Brad and Janet \
Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet \
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh \
At the late night, double feature, picture show. \
		-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show \
',' \
I know if you been talkin\' you done said \
just how suprised you wuz by the living dead. \
You wuz suprised that they could understand you words \
and never respond once to all the truth they heard. \
But don\'t you get square! \
There ain\'t no rule that says they got to care. \
They can always swear they\'re deaf, dumb and blind. \
',' \
I lately lost a preposition; \
It hid, I thought, beneath my chair \
And angrily I cried, "Perdition! \
Up from out of under there." \
 \
Correctness is my vade mecum, \
And straggling phrases I abhor, \
And yet I wondered, "What should he come \
Up from out of under for?" \
		-- Morris Bishop \
',' \
I lay my head on the railroad tracks, \
Waitin\' for the double E. \
The railroad don\'t run no more. \
Poor poor pitiful me.			[chorus] \
	Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me. \
	These young girls won\'t let me be, \
	Lord have mercy on me! \
	Woe is me! \
 \
Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood, \
Well, I ain\'t naming names. \
But she really worked me over good, \
She was just like Jesse James. \
She really worked me over good, \
She was a credit to her gender. \
She put me through some changes, boy, \
Sort of like a Waring blender.		[chorus] \
 \
I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar, \
She asked me if I\'d beat her. \
She took me back to the Hyatt House, \
I don\'t want to talk about it.		[chorus] \
		-- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" \
',' \
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah \
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda \
	S-O-D-A soda \
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log \
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda \
	Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda \
 \
Well I\'ve been around but I ain\'t never seen \
A guy who looks like a Muppet but he\'s wrinkled and green \
	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda \
Well I\'m not dumb but I can\'t understand \
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand \
	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda \
		-- Weird Al Yankovic, "The Star Wars Song," to the tune of \
		   "Lola" by the Kinks \
',' \
I must Create a System, or be enslav\'d by another Man\'s; \
I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. \
		-- William Blake, "Jerusalem" \
',' \
I never saw a purple cow \
I never hope to see one \
But I can tell you anyhow \
I\'d rather see than be one. \
		-- Gellett Burgess \
 \
I\'ve never seen a purple cow \
I never hope to see one \
But from the milk we\'re getting now \
There certainly must be one \
		-- Odgen Nash \
 \
Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"    \
I\'m sorry now I wrote it \
But I can tell you anyhow \
I\'ll kill you if you quote it. \
		-- Gellett Burgess, many years later \
',' \
I owe, I owe, \
It\'s off to work I go... \
',' \
I really hate this damned machine \
I wish that they would sell it. \
It never does quite what I want \
But only what I tell it. \
',' \
"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." \
He said,"What you need is to grow up, son." \
I said,"Growin\' up leads to growin\' old, \
And then to dying, and to me that don\'t sound like much fun." \
		-- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" \
',' \
I saw a man pursuing the Horizon, \
\'Round and round they sped. \
I was disturbed at this, \
I accosted the man, \
"It is futile," I said. \
"You can never--" \
"You lie!" He cried, \
and ran on. \
		-- Stephen Crane \
',' \
I see a bad moon rising. \
I see trouble on the way. \
I see earthquakes and lightnin\' \
I see bad times today. \
Don\'t go \'round tonight, \
It\'s bound to take your life. \
There\'s a bad moon on the rise. \
		-- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" \
',' \
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, \
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. \
Bernoulli would have been content to die \
Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! \
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" \
',' \
I sent a letter to the fish,		I said it very loud and clear, \
I told them, "This is what I wish."	I went and shouted in his ear. \
The little fishes of the sea,		But he was very stiff and proud, \
They sent an answer back to me.		He said "You needn\'t shout so loud." \
The little fishes\' answer was		And he was very proud and stiff, \
"We cannot do it, sir, because..."	He said "I\'ll go and wake them if..." \
I sent a letter back to say		I took a kettle from the shelf, \
It would be better to obey.		I went to wake them up myself. \
But someone came to me and said		But when I found the door was locked \
"The little fishes are in bed."		I pulled and pushed and kicked and \
						knocked, \
I said to him, and I said it plain	And when I found the door was shut, \
"Then you must wake them up again."	I tried to turn the handle, But... \
 \
	"Is that all?" asked Alice. \
	"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." \
',' \
I sent a message to another time, \
But as the days unwind -- this I just can\'t believe, \
I sent a message to another plane, \
Maybe it\'s all a game -- but this I just can\'t conceive. \
... \
I met someone who looks at lot like you, \
She does the things you do, but she is an IBM. \
She\'s only programmed to be very nice, \
But she\'s as cold as ice, whenever I get too near, \
She tells me that she likes me very much, \
But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear. \
... \
I realize that it must seem so strange, \
That time has rearranged, but time has the final word, \
She knows I think of you, she reads my mind, \
She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world. \
		-- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095" \
',' \
I shot a query into the net. \
I haven\'t got an answer yet,		A posted message called me rotten \
But seven people gave me hell		For ignoring mail I\'d never gotten; \
And said I ought to learn to spell;	An angry message asked me, Please \
					Don\'t send such drivel overseas; \
A lawyer sent me private mail \
And swore he\'d slap my ass in jail --	One netter thought it was a hoax: \
I\'d mentioned Un*x in my gem		"Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!"; \
And failed to add the T and M;		Another called my grammar vile \
					And criticized my writing style. \
Each day I scan each Subject line \
In hopes the topic will be mine; \
I shot a query into the net. \
I haven\'t got an answer yet... \
		-- Ed Nather \
',' \
I stood on the leading edge, \
The eastern seaboard at my feet. \
"Jump!" said Yoko Ono \
I\'m too scared and good-looking, I cried. \
Go on and give it a try, \
Why prolong the agony, all men must die. \
		-- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" \
',' \
I think that I shall never hear \
A poem lovelier than beer. \
The stuff that Joe\'s Bar has on tap, \
With golden base and snowy cap. \
The stuff that I can drink all day \
Until my mem\'ry melts away. \
Poems are made by fools, I fear \
But only Schlitz can make a beer. \
',' \
I think that I shall never see \
A billboard lovely as a tree. \
Indeed, unless the billboards fall \
I\'ll never see a tree at all. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
I think that I shall never see \
A thing as lovely as a tree. \
But as you see the trees have gone \
They went this morning with the dawn. \
A logging firm from out of town \
Came and chopped the trees all down. \
But I will trick those dirty skunks \
And write a brand new poem called \'Trunks\'. \
',' \
"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" \
"As a programmer, yes," she replied, \
"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!" \
"You said you were blonde, but you lied!" \
Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, \
They had so much in common, you\'d say. \
They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks, \
And prompts that were cute or risque\'. \
He sent her a picture of his brother Sam, \
She sent one from some past high school day, \
And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives, \
If they hadn\'t met in L.A. \
"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust. \
He answered, "Your armpit\'s a beard!" \
And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest \
If you were not so totally weird!" \
If she had not said what he wanted to hear, \
And he had not done just the same, \
They\'d have been far more honest, and never have met, \
And would not have had fun with the game. \
		-- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of \
		Electronic Mail" \
',' \
I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, \'til they got a hold of me, \
I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see, \
I got no friends \'cause they read the papers, they can\'t be seen, \
With me, and I\'m feelin\' real shot down, \
And I\'m, uh, feelin\' mean, \
	No more, Mr. Nice Guy, \
	No more, Mr. Clean, \
	No more, Mr. Nice Guy, \
They say "He\'s sick, he\'s obscene". \
 \
My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes, \
Ma\'s been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide, \
I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose, \
The reverend Smithy, he recognized me, \
And punched me in the nose, he said, \
(chorus) \
He said "You\'re sick, you\'re obscene". \
		-- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" \
',' \
I was born in a barrel of butcher knives \
Trouble I love and peace I despise \
Wild horses kicked me in my side \
Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. \
		-- Bo Diddley \
',' \
I was eatin\' some chop suey, \
With a lady in St. Louie, \
When there sudden comes a knockin\' at the door. \
And that knocker, he says, "Honey, \
Roll this rocker out some money, \
Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." \
		-- Mr. Miggle \
',' \
I went home with a waitress, \
The way I always do. \
How I was I to know? \
She was with the Russians too. \
 \
I was gambling in Havana, \
I took a little risk. \
Send lawyers, guns, and money, \
Dad, get me out of this. \
		-- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" \
',' \
I went over to my friend, he was eatin\' a pickle. \
I said "Hi, what\'s happenin\'?" \
He said "Nothin\'." \
Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm; \
As if you just squashed a cop. \
		-- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song" \
',' \
I will not play at tug o\' war. \
I\'d rather play at hug o\' war, \
Where everyone hugs \
Instead of tugs, \
Where everyone giggles \
And rolls on the rug, \
Where everyone kisses, \
And everyone grins, \
And everyone cuddles, \
And everyone wins. \
		-- Shel Silverstein, "Hug o\' War" \
',' \
I woke up a feelin\' mean \
went down to play the slot machine \
the wheels turned round, \
and the letters read \
"Better head back to Tennessee Jed" \
		-- Grateful Dead \
',' \
I would like to know \
What I was fencing in \
And what I was fencing out. \
		-- Robert Frost \
',' \
I\'d never cry if I did find \
	A blue whale in my soup... \
Nor would I mind a porcupine \
	Inside a chicken coop. \
Yes life is fine when things combine,	 \
	Like ham in beef chow mein... \
But lord, this time I think I mind, \
	They\'ve put acid in my rain. \
		      --- Milo Bloom \
',' \
I\'d rather laugh with the sinners, \
Than cry with the saints, \
The sinners are much more fun! \
		-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" \
',' \
I\'ll grant thee random access to my heart, \
Thoul\'t tell me all the constants of thy love; \
And so we two shall all love\'s lemmas prove \
And in our bound partition never part. \
 \
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? \
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, \
A root or two, a torus and a node: \
The inverse of my verse, a null domain. \
 \
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, \
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. \
Bernoulli would have been content to die \
Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)! \
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" \
',' \
I\'ll learn to play the Saxophone, \
I play just what I feel. \
Drink Scotch whisky all night long, \
And die behind the wheel. \
They got a name for the winners in the world, \
I want a name when I lose. \
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, \
Call me Deacon Blues. \
		-- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues" \
',' \
I\'ll meet you... on the dark side of the moon... \
		-- Pink Floyd \
',' \
I\'m an artist. \
But it\'s not what I really want to do. \
What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman. \
I know what you\'re going to say -- \
"Dreamer!  Get your head out of the clouds." \
All right!  But it\'s what I want to do. \
Instead I have to go on painting all day long. \
 \
The world should make a place for shoe salesmen. \
		-- J. Feiffer \
',' \
I\'m free -- and freedom tastes of reality. \
		-- The Who \
',' \
I\'m just as sad as sad can be! \
	I\'ve missed your special date. \
Please say that you\'re not mad at me \
	My tax return is late. \
		-- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards \
',' \
i\'m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be \
living apart. \
		-- e. e. cummings \
',' \
I\'m N-ary the tree, I am, \
N-ary the tree, I am, I am. \
I\'m getting traversed by the parser next door, \
She\'s traversed me seven times before. \
And ev\'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) \
Never wouldn\'t ever do a binary. (No sir!) \
I\'m \'er eighth tree that was N-ary. \
N-ary the tree I am, I am, \
N-ary the tree I am. \
		-- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders \
',' \
I\'m So Miserable Without You It\'s Almost Like Having You Here \
		-- Song title by Stephen Bishop. \
 \
She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft \
		-- Song title by Jerry Reed. \
 \
When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies\' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care? \
		-- Song title by Lewis Grizzard. \
 \
I Don\'t Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling \
		-- Unattributed song title. \
 \
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life \
		-- Unattributed song title. \
',' \
I\'m very good at integral and differential calculus, \
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; \
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, \
I am the very model of a modern Major-General. \
		-- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" \
',' \
I\'ve been on this lonely road so long, \
Does anybody know where it goes, \
I remember last time the signs pointed home, \
A month ago. \
		-- Carpenters, "Road Ode" \
',' \
I\'ve built a better model than the one at Data General \
For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral \
My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; \
My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. \
My storage system\'s better than magnetic core polarity, \
You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; \
There isn\'t any reason to install non-static floor matting; \
My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. \
 \
I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: \
There\'s lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, \
Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral \
I\'ve built a better model than the one at Data General. \
 \
		-- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of \
		   "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", \
		   by Gilbert & Sullivan) \
',' \
I\'ve finally found the perfect girl, \
I couldn\'t ask for more, \
She\'s deaf and dumb and over-sexed, \
And owns a liquor store. \
',' \
I/O, I/O, \
It\'s off to disk I go, \
A bit or byte to read or write, \
I/O, I/O, I/O... \
',' \
Iam \
not \
very \
happy \
acting \
pleased \
whenever \
prominent \
scientists \
overmagnify \
intellectual \
enlightenment \
',' \
IBM had a PL/I, \
	Its syntax worse than JOSS; \
And everywhere this language went, \
	It was a total loss. \
',' \
If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, \
... it expects what never was and never will be. \
		-- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
If a system is administered wisely, \
its users will be content. \
They enjoy hacking their code \
and don\'t waste time implementing \
labor-saving shell scripts. \
Since they dearly love their accounts, \
they aren\'t interested in other machines. \
There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, \
but these don\'t access any hosts. \
There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, \
but nobody ever uses them. \
People enjoy reading their mail, \
take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, \
spend weekends working at their terminals, \
delight in the doings at the site. \
And even though the next system is so close \
that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, \
they are content to die of old age \
without ever having gone to see it. \
',' \
If all be true that I do think, \
There be five reasons why one should drink; \
Good friends, good wine, or being dry, \
Or lest we should be by-and-by, \
Or any other reason why. \
',' \
If all the seas were ink, \
And all the reeds were pens, \
And all the skies were parchment, \
And all the men could write, \
These would not suffice \
To write down all the red tape \
Of this Government.  \
',' \
If an S and an I and an O and a U \
With an X at the end spell Su; \
And an E and a Y and an E spell I, \
Pray what is a speller to do? \
Then, if also an S and an I and a G \
And an HED spell side, \
There\'s nothing much left for a speller to do \
But to go commit siouxeyesighed. \
		-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" \
',' \
If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer..... \
 \
Here\'s an easy game to play. \
Here\'s an easy thing to say: \
 \
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, \
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, \
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,  \
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! \
 \
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, \
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,  \
And your data is corrupted \'cause the index doesn\'t hash,  \
then your situation\'s hopeless, and your system\'s gonna crash! \
 \
You can\'t say this?  What a shame, sir! \
We\'ll find you another game, sir. \
 \
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, \
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,  \
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, \
That\'s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, \
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, \
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, \
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, \
\'Cause as sure as I\'m a poet, the sucker\'s gonna hang! \
 \
When the copy of your floppy\'s getting sloppy on the disk,  \
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,  \
Then you have to flash your memory and you\'ll want to ram your rom. \
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! \
 \
		-- DementDJ@ccip.perkin-elmer.com (DementDJ) [rec.humor.funny] \
',' \
If I could read your mind, love, \
What a tale your thoughts could tell, \
Just like a paperback novel, \
The kind the drugstore sells, \
When you reach the part where the heartaches come, \
The hero would be me, \
Heroes often fail, \
You won\'t read that book again, because \
	the ending is just too hard to take. \
 \
I walk away, like a movie star, \
Who gets burned in a three way script, \
Enter number two, \
A movie queen to play the scene \
Of bringing all the good things out in me, \
But for now, love, let\'s be real \
I never thought I could act this way, \
And I\'ve got to say that I just don\'t get it, \
I don\'t know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone \
And I just can\'t get it back... \
		-- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind" \
',' \
If I could stick my pen in my heart, \
I would spill it all over the stage. \
Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya, \
Would you think the boy was strange? \
Ain\'t he strange? \
... \
If I could stick a knife in my heart, \
Suicide right on the stage, \
Would it be enough for your teenage lust, \
Would it help to ease the pain? \
Ease your brain? \
		-- Rolling Stones, "It\'s Only Rock\'N Roll" \
',' \
If I don\'t drive around the park, \
I\'m pretty sure to make my mark. \
If I\'m in bed each night by ten, \
I may get back my looks again. \
If I abstain from fun and such, \
I\'ll probably amount to much; \
But I shall stay the way I am, \
Because I do not give a damn. \
		-- Dorothy Parker \
',' \
If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? \
		-- Alan Parsons Project \
',' \
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow \
As Dame Fortune did intend, \
Murphy would be there to tell me \
The pot\'s at the other end. \
		-- Bert Whitney \
',' \
If researchers wrote nursery rhymes... \
 \
Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region, \
Eating components of soured milk. \
On at least one occasion, \
	along came an arachnid and sat down beside her, \
Or at least in her vicinity, \
And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear, \
Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly. \
		-- Ann Melugin Williams \
',' \
If she had not been cupric in her ions, \
Her shape ovoidal, \
Their romance might have flourished. \
But he built tetrahedral in his shape, \
His ions ferric, \
Love could not help but die, \
Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished. \
',' \
If you had just a minute to breathe, \
And they granted you one final wish, \
Would you ask for something \
Like another chance? \
		-- Traffic, "The Low Spark of High Heeled Boys" \
',' \
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, \
It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.  \
	Or some joker who is slicker, \
	Will trick you of your liquor, \
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. \
',' \
If you\'re worried by earthquakes and nuclear war, \
As well as by traffic and crime, \
Consider how worry-free gophers are, \
Though living on burrowed time. \
	-- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83 \
',' \
Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux \
	Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, \
Enm^im\'es sont les gougebosquex, \
	Et le m^omerade horgrave. \
 \
Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven \
	Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; \
Und aller-mumsige Burggoven \
	Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. \
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" \
',' \
In /users3 did Kubla Kahn \
A stately pleasure dome decree, \
Where /bin, the sacred river ran \
Through Test Suites measureless to Man \
Down to a sunless C. \
',' \
In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. \
Find the fun and snap!  The job\'s a game. \
And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake, \
	a lark, a spree; it\'s very clear to see. \
		-- Mary Poppins \
',' \
In high school in Brooklyn \
I was the baseball manager, \
proud as I could be \
I chased baseballs, \
gathered thrown bats \
handed out the towels			Eventually, I bought my own \
It was very important work		but it was dark blue while \
for a small spastic kid,		the official ones were green \
but I was a team member			Nobody ever said anything \
When the team got			to me about my blue jacket; \
their warm-up jackets			the guys were my friends \
I didn\'t get one			Yet it hurt me all year \
Only the regular team			to wear that blue jacket \
got these jackets, and			among all those green ones \
surely not a manager			Even now, forty years after, \
					I still recall that jacket \
					and the memory goes on hurting. \
		-- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" \
',' \
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space \
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. \
Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, \
We shall encounter, counting, face to face. \
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" \
',' \
In the dimestores and bus stations \
People talk of situations \
Read books repeat quotations \
Draw conclusions on the wall. \
		-- Bob Dylan \
',' \
In the early morning queue, \
With a listing in my hand. \
With a worry in my heart,	There on terminal number 9, \
Waitin\' here in CERAS-land.	Pascal run all set to go. \
I\'m a long way from sleep,	But I\'m waitin\' in the queue, \
How I miss a good meal so.	With this code that ever grows. \
In the early mornin\' queue,	Now the lobby chairs are soft, \
With no place to go.		But that can\'t make the queue move fast. \
				Hey, there it goes my friend, \
				I\'ve moved up one at last. \
		-- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early \
		   Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot \
',' \
In the land of the dark the Ship of the \
Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. \
		-- Egyptian Book of the Dead \
',' \
In this vale \
Of toil and sin \
Your head grows bald \
But not your chin. \
		-- Burma Shave \
',' \
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan \
A stately pleasure dome decree: \
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran \
Through caverns measureless to man \
Down to a sunless sea. \
So twice five miles of fertile ground \
With walls and towers were girdled round: \
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, \
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; \
And here were forest ancient as the hills, \
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. \
		-- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn" \
',' \
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree \
But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree. \
',' \
Into love and out again, \
	Thus I went and thus I go. \
Spare your voice, and hold your pen: \
	Well and bitterly I know \
All the songs were ever sung, \
	All the words were ever said; \
Could it be, when I was young, \
	Someone dropped me on my head? \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Theory" \
',' \
It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, \
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. \
It lies behind starts and under hills, \
And empty holes it fills. \
It comes first and follows after, \
Ends life, kills laughter. \
',' \
It hangs down from the chandelier \
Nobody knows quite what it does \
Its color is odd and its shape is weird \
It emits a high-sounding buzz \
 \
It grows a couple of feet each day \
and wriggles with sort of a twitch \
Nobody bugs it \'cause it comes from \
a visiting uncle who\'s rich! \
		-- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" \
',' \
It happened long ago \
In the new magic land \
The Indians and the buffalo     \
Existed hand in hand \
The Indians needed food \
They need skins for a roof \
The only took what they needed \
And the buffalo ran loose \
But then came the white man \
With his thick and empty head \
He couldn\'t see past his billfold \
He wanted all the buffalo dead \
It was sad, oh so sad. \
		-- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" \
',' \
It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, \
and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. \
		-- Proverbs 19:2 \
',' \
It used to be the fun was in \
The capture and kill. \
In another place and time \
I did it all for thrills. \
		-- Lust to Love \
',' \
It was one time too many \
One word too few \
It was all too much for me and you \
There was one way to go \
Nothing more we could do \
One time too many \
One word too few \
		-- Meredith Tanner \
',' \
It\'s faster horses, \
Younger women, \
Older whiskey and \
More money. \
		-- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life" \
',' \
It\'s gonna be alright, \
It\'s almost midnight, \
And I\'ve got two more bottles of wine. \
',' \
It\'s just a jump to the left \
	And then a step to the right. \
Put your hands on your hips \
	And pull your knees in tight. \
It\'s the pelvic thrust \
	That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane \
 \
	LET\'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! \
		-- Rocky Horror Picture Show \
',' \
It\'s just apartment house rules, \
So all you \'partment house fools \
Remember:  one man\'s ceiling is another man\'s floor. \
One man\'s ceiling is another man\'s floor. \
		-- Paul Simon, "One Man\'s Ceiling Is Another Man\'s Floor" \
',' \
It\'s Like This \
 \
Even the samurai \
have teddy bears, \
and even the teddy bears \
get drunk. \
',' \
It\'s not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. \
		-- Tom Lehrer, "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" \
',' \
It\'s so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment, \
	just to see if it\'s real, \
Oooh, it\'s so erotic having you tell me how it should feel, \
But I\'m avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face, \
So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, \
Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? \
		-- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" \
',' \
John			Dame May		Oscar \
Was Gay			Was Whitty		Was Wilde \
But Gerard Hopkins	But John Greenleaf	But Thornton \
Was Manley		Was Whittier		Was Wilder \
		-- Willard Espy \
',' \
John the Baptist after poisoning a thief, \
Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief, \
Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief \
Is there a hole for me to get sick in? \
The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly, \
Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry. \
And dropping a barbell he points to the sky, \
Saying the sun is not yellow, it\'s chicken. \
		-- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues" \
',' \
Just a song before I go,		Going through security \
To whom it may concern,			I held her for so long. \
Traveling twice the speed of sound	She finally looked at me in love, \
It\'s easy to get burned.		And she was gone. \
When the shows were over		Just a song before I go, \
We had to get back home,		A lesson to be learned. \
And when we opened up the door		Traveling twice the speed of sound \
I had to be alone.			It\'s easy to get burned. \
She helped me with my suitcase, \
She stands before my eyes, \
Driving me to the airport \
And to the friendly skies. \
		-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go" \
',' \
Just machines to make big decisions, \
Programmed by men for compassion and vision, \
We\'ll be clean when their work is done, \
We\'ll be eternally free, yes, eternally young, \
What a beautiful world this will be, \
What a glorious time to be free. \
		-- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World" \
',' \
`Just the place for a Snark!\' the Bellman cried, \
	As he landed his crew with care; \
Supporting each man on the top of the tide \
	By a finger entwined in his hair. \
 \
\'Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice: \
	That alone should encourage the crew. \
Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice: \
	What I tell you three times is true.\' \
',' \
`Just the place for a Snark!\' the Bellman cried, \
	As he landed his crew with care; \
Supporting each man on the top of the tide \
	By a finger entwined in his hair. \
 \
`Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice: \
	That alone should encourage the crew. \
Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice: \
	What I tell you three times is true.\' \
',' \
Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone, \
Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you, \
I went out this morning and I wrote down this song, \
Just can\'t remember who to send it to... \
 \
Oh, I\'ve seen fire and I\'ve seen rain, \
I\'ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end, \
I\'ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, \
But I always thought that I\'d see you again. \
Thought I\'d see you one more time again. \
		-- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain" \
',' \
K:	Cobalt\'s metal, hard and shining; \
	Cobol\'s wordy and confining; \
	KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; \
	Don\'t feel bad, it\'s hard to like them. \
		-- The Roguelet\'s ABC \
',' \
Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she \
With silent lips.  Give me your tired, your poor, \
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, \
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. \
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me... \
		-- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus" \
',' \
Knock Knock...  (who\'s there?)  Ether!  (ether who?)  Ether Bunny... Yea! \
[chorus] \
	Yeay! \
	Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side, \
	Stay on the Happy side of life! \
	Bum bum bum bum bum bum \
	You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane, \
	So Stay on the Happy Side of life! \
 \
Knock Knock...  (who\'s there?)  Anna!  (anna who?) \
	An another ether bunny... [chorus] \
Knock Knock...  (who\'s there?)  Stilla!  (stilla who?) \
	Still another ether bunny... [chorus] \
Knock Knock...  (who\'s there?)  Yetta!  (yetta who?) \
	Yet another ether bunny... [chorus] \
Knock Knock...  (who\'s there?)  Cargo!  (cargo who?) \
	Cargo beep beep and run over ether bunny... [chorus] \
Knock Knock...  (who\'s there?)  Boo!  (boo who?) \
	Don\'t Cry!  Ether bunny be back next year! [chorus] \
',' \
Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, \
Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants, \
I come before you to stand behind you \
To tell you of something I know nothing about. \
Next Thursday (which is good Friday), \
There will be a convention held in the \
Women\'s Club which is strictly for Men. \
Admission is free, pay at the door, \
Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor. \
It was a summer\'s day in winter, \
And the snow was raining fast, \
As a barefoot boy with shoes on, \
Stood sitting in the grass. \
Oh, that bright day in the dead of night, \
Two dead men got up to fight. \
Three blind men to see fair play, \
Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"! \
Back to back, they faced each other, \
Drew their swords and shot each other. \
A deaf policeman heard the noise, \
Came and arrested those two dead boys. \
',' \
Ladles and Jellyspoons! \
I come before you to stand behind you, \
To tell you something I know nothing about. \
Since next Thursday will be Good Friday, \
There will be a fathers\' meeting, for mothers only. \
Wear your best clothes, if you don\'t have any, \
And please stay at home if you can possibly be there. \
Admission is free, please pay at the door. \
Have a seat on me: please sit on the floor. \
No matter where you manage to sit, \
The man in the balcony will certainly spit. \
We thank you for your unkind attention, \
And would now like to present our next act: \
"The Four Corners of the Round Table." \
',' \
Lady, lady, should you meet \
One whose ways are all discreet, \
One who murmurs that his wife \
Is the lodestar of his life, \
One who keeps assuring you \
That he never was untrue, \
Never loved another one... \
Lady, lady, better run! \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note" \
',' \
Ladybug, ladybug, \
Look to your stern! \
Your house is on fire, \
Your children will burn! \
So jump ye and sing, for \
The very first time \
The four lines above \
Have been put into rhyme. \
		-- Walt Kelly \
',' \
Last night I met upon the stair \
A little man who wasn\'t there. \
He wasn\'t there again today. \
Gee how I wish he\'d go away! \
',' \
Latin is a language, \
As dead as can be. \
First it killed the Romans, \
And now it\'s killing me. \
',' \
Let me not to the marriage of true minds \
Admit impediments.  Love is not love \
Which alters when it alteration finds, \
Or bends with the remover to remove: \
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, \
That looks on tempests and is never shaken; \
It is the star to every wandering bark, \
Whose worth\'s unknown, although his height be taken. \
Love\'s not Time\'s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks \
Within his bending sickle\'s compass come; \
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, \
But bears it out even to the edge of doom. \
If this be error and upon me proved, \
I never writ, nor no man ever loved. \
',' \
Let us go then you and I \
while the night is laid out against the sky \
like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie. \
 \
"Nice poem Tom.  I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?" \
	-- Ezra \
',' \
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, \
The muttering retreats \
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels \
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: \
Streets that follow like a tedious argument \
Of insidious intent \
To lead you to an overwhelming question... \
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" \
		-- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" \
',' \
Let us treat men and women well; \
Treat them as if they were real; \
Perhaps they are. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
Life is like a tin of sardines. \
We\'re, all of us, looking for the key. \
		-- Beyond the Fringe \
',' \
Life is what happens to you while you\'re busy making other plans. \
		-- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" \
',' \
Lift every voice and sing \
Till earth and heaven ring, \
Ring with the harmonies of Liberty; \
Let our rejoicing rise \
High as the listening skies, \
Let it resound loud as the rolling sea. \
 \
Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us. \
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us. \
Facing the rising sun of our new day begun, \
Let us march on till victory is won. \
		-- James Weldon Johnson \
',' \
Lighten up, while you still can, \
Don\'t even try to understand, \
Just find a place to make your stand, \
And take it easy. \
		-- The Eagles, "Take It Easy" \
',' \
Like corn in a field I cut you down, \
I threw the last punch way too hard, \
After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time, \
To throw in my hand for a new set of cards. \
And I can\'t take you dancing out on the weekend, \
I figured we\'d painted too much of this town, \
And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon, \
And I knew then I had lost what should have been found, \
I knew then I had lost what should have been found. \
	And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford \
	I\'m as low as a paid assassin is \
	You know I\'m cold as a hired sword. \
	I\'m so ashamed we can\'t patch it up, \
	You know I can\'t think straight no more \
	You make me feel like a bullet, honey, \
		a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford. \
		-- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet" \
',' \
"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" \
Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. \
 \
Until he died, and so reached that vicinity: \
in it he found that the damned things diverged. \
		-- Piet Hein \
',' \
Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, \
Lisp Machine is Fun. \
Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, \
Fun for everyone. \
',' \
Little Fly, \
Thy summer\'s play		If thought is life \
My thoughtless hand		And strength & breath, \
Has brush\'d away.		And the want \
				Of thought is death, \
Am not I \
A fly like thee?		Then am I \
Or art not thou			A happy fly \
A man like me?			If I live \
				Or if I die. \
 \
For I dance \
And drink & sing, \
Till some blind hand \
Shall brush my wing. \
		-- William Blake, "The Fly" \
',' \
Lizzie Borden took an axe, \
And plunged it deep into the VAX; \
Don\'t you envy people who \
Do all the things ___YOU want to do? \
',' \
Logicians have but ill defined \
As rational the human kind. \
Logic, they say, belongs to man, \
But let them prove it if they can. \
		-- Oliver Goldsmith \
',' \
Louie Louie, me gotta go \
Louie Louie, me gotta go \
 \
Fine little girl she waits for me \
Me catch the ship for cross the sea \
Me sail the ship all alone		Three nights and days me sail the sea \
Me never thinks me make it home		Me think of girl constantly \
(chorus)				On the ship I dream she there \
					I smell the rose in her hair \
Me see Jamaica moon above		(chorus, guitar solo) \
It won\'t be long, me see my love \
I take her in my arms and then \
Me tell her I never leave again \
		-- The real words to The Kingsmen\'s classic "Louie Louie" \
',' \
Love in your heart wasn\'t put there to stay. \
Love isn\'t love \'til you give it away. \
		-- Oscar Hammerstein II \
',' \
Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, \
	seized this one for the fair form \
	that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still. \
Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, \
	seized me so strongly with delight in him, \
	that, as you see, it does not leave me even now. \
Love brought us to one death. \
		-- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 \
',' \
Margaret, are you grieving \
Over Goldengrove unleaving? \
Leaves, like the things of man, \
You, with your fresh thoughts \
Care for, can you? \
Ah! as the heart grows older \
It will come to such sights colder \
By and by, nor spare a sigh \
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie \
And yet you will weep and know why. \
Now no matter, child, the name \
Sorrow\'s springs are the same: \
It is the blight man was born for, \
It is Margaret you mourn for. \
		-- Gerard Manley Hopkins. \
',' \
Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen; \
Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht. \
[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl, \
AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd. \
[P]hud!  Bashe!  Crasch!  Beoom!  [D]e bigge gye \
Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe; \
Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse. \
Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle. \
Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes; \
Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?" \
Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp \
Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe. \
"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete." \
Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson \
Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen. \
Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar, \
Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu." \
Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng. \
		-- Not Chaucer, for certain \
',' \
Most folks they like the daytime, \
	\'cause they like to see the shining sun. \
They\'re up in the morning,  \
	off and a-running till they\'re too tired for having fun. \
But when the sun goes down, \
	and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun. \
 \
Now there are two sides to this great big world, \
	and one of them is always night. \
If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby, \
	I guess you\'re gonna be all right. \
Don\'t come looking for me to lend you a hand. \
	My eyes just can\'t stand the light. \
 \
\'Cause I\'m a night owl honey, sleep all day long. \
		-- Carly Simon \
',' \
Mummy dust to make me old; \
To shroud my clothes, the black of night; \
To age my voice, an old hag\'s cackle; \
To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; \
A blast of wind to fan my hate; \
A thunderbolt to mix it well -- \
Now begin thy magic spell! \
		-- Walter Disney, "Snow White" \
',' \
My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, \
	But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. \
Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, \
	To prove it I\'ll have the last laugh on you. \
\'Cause instead of one head -- I\'ve got two. \
 \
And you know two heads are better than one. \
',' \
My Bonnie looked into a gas tank, \
The height of its contents to see! \
She lit a small match to assist her, \
Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. \
',' \
My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want \
It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures, \
	and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits. \
It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating \
	decimal points for the sake of precision. \
Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes, \
	I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me. \
It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an \
	arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers. \
It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are \
	over. \
Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my \
	life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever. \
',' \
My darling wife was always glum. \
I drowned her in a cask of rum, \
And so made sure that she would stay \
In better spirits night and day. \
',' \
My love runs by like a day in June, \
	And he makes no friends of sorrows. \
He\'ll tread his galloping rigadoon \
	In the pathway or the morrows. \
He\'ll live his days where the sunbeams start \
	Nor could storm or wind uproot him. \
My own dear love, he is all my heart -- \
	And I wish somebody\'d shoot him. \
		-- Dorothy Parker, part 3 \
',' \
My love, he\'s mad, and my love, he\'s fleet, \
	And a wild young wood-thing bore him! \
The ways are fair to his roaming feet, \
	And the skies are sunlit for him. \
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems \
	As the fragrance of acacia. \
My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- \
	And I wish he were in Asia. \
		-- Dorothy Parker, part 2 \
',' \
My My, hey hey \
Rock and roll is here to stay	The king is gone but he\'s not forgotten \
It\'s better to burn out		This is the story of a Johnny Rotten \
Than to fade away		It\'s better to burn out than it is to rust \
My my, hey hey			The king is gone but he\'s not forgotten \
 \
It\'s out of the blue and into the black		Hey hey, my my \
They give you this, but you pay for that	Rock and roll can never die \
And once you\'re gone you can never come back	There\'s more to the picture \
When you\'re out of the blue			Than meets the eye \
And into the black \
		-- Neil Young \
		"My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps" \
',' \
"My name is Sue!  How do you do?!  Now you gonna die!" \
Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes, \
And he went down, but to my surprise, \
Come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear. \
So I busted a chair right across his teeth, \
And we crashed through the walls and into the streets, \
Kickin\' and a-gougin\' in the mud and the blood and beer. \
Now I tell you, I\'ve fought tougher men, \
But I really can\'t remember when: \
He kicked like a mule and he bit like a crocodile. \
But I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss, \
And he went for his gun, but I pulled mine first, \
And he sat there lookin\' at me, and I saw him smile. \
He said: "Son, this world is rough, \
And if a man\'s gonna make it he\'s gotta be tough, \
And I knew I wouldn\'t be there to help you along. \
So I give you that name and I said goodbye, \
And I knew you\'d have to get tough or die, \
And it\'s that name that\'s helped to make you strong! \
		-- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" \
',' \
My own dear love, he is strong and bold \
	And he cares not what comes after. \
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, \
	And his eyes are lit with laughter. \
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- \
	Oh, a girl, she\'d not forget him. \
My own dear love, he is all my world -- \
	And I wish I\'d never met him. \
		-- Dorothy Parker, part 1 \
',' \
My pen is at the bottom of a page, \
Which, being finished, here the story ends; \
\'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, \
But stories somehow lengthen when begun. \
		-- Byron \
',' \
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore \
I do not like me anymore, \
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse, \
I ponder on the narrow house \
I shudder at the thought of men \
I\'m due to fall in love again. \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" \
',' \
Nature to all things fixed the limits fit, \
And wisely curbed proud man\'s pretending wit. \
As on the land while here the ocean gains, \
In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains; \
Thus in the soul while memory prevails, \
The solid power of understanding fails; \
Where beams of warm imagination play, \
The memory\'s soft figures melt away. \
		-- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?) \
',' \
Near the Studio Jean Cocteau \
On the Rue des Ecoles \
lived an old man \
with a blind dog \
Every evening I would see him \
guiding the dog along \
the sidewalk, keeping \
a firm grip on the leash \
so that the dog wouldn\'t \
run into a passerby \
Sometimes the dog would stop \
and look up at the sky \
Once the old man \
noticed me watching the dog \
and he said, "Oh, yes, \
this one knows \
when the moon is out, \
he can feel it on his face" \
		-- Barry Gifford \
',' \
Neuroses are red, \
	Melancholia\'s blue. \
I\'m schizophrenic, \
	What are you? \
',' \
New York\'s got the ways and means; \
Just won\'t let you be. \
		-- The Grateful Dead \
',' \
New York-- to that tall skyline I come \
Flyin\' in from London to your door \
New York-- lookin\' down on Central Park \
Where they say you should not wander after dark. \
New York. \
		-- Simon and Garfunkle \
',' \
Next, upon a stool, we\'ve a sight to make you drool. \
Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool. \
		-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) \
',' \
Nine megs for the secretaries fair, \
Seven megs for the hackers scarce, \
Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, \
Three megs for system source; \
 \
One disk to rule them all, \
One disk to bind them, \
One disk to hold the files \
And in the darkness grind \'em. \
',' \
Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes \
And tapes without any tracks; \
Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes \
And tapes mixed up on the racks -- \
	Take hold of the tape \
	And pull off the strip, \
	And then you\'ll be sure \
	Your tape drive will skip. \
		-- Uncle Colonel\'s Cursory Rhymes \
',' \
No one likes us. \
I don\'t know why. \
We may not be perfect,			We give them money, \
But heaven knows we try.		But are they grateful? \
But all around,				No, they\'re spiteful, \
Even our old friends put us down.	And they\'re hateful. \
Let\'s drop the big one,			They don\'t respect us, \
And see what happens.			So let\'s surprise them \
					We\'ll drop the big one, \
					And pulverize \'em. \
Asia\'s crowded, \
Europe\'s too old, \
Africa is far too hot,			We\'ll save Australia. \
And Canada\'s too cold.			Don\'t wanna hurt no kangaroos. \
And South America stole our name	We\'ll build an All-American amusement \
Let\'s drop the big one,				park there-- \
There\'ll be no one left to blame us.	They got surfin\', too! \
 \
Boom! goes London, \
And Boom! Paree. \
More room for you,			Oh, how peaceful it\'ll be! \
And more room for me,			We\'ll set everybody free! \
And every city,				You\'ll wear a Japanese kimono, babe; \
The whole world round,			There\'ll be Italian shoes for me! \
Will just be another American town.	They all hate us anyhow, \
					So, let\'s drop the big one now. \
					Let\'s drop the big one now! \
		-- Randy Newman, "Drop the Big One" \
',' \
No pig should go sky diving during monsoon \
For this isn\'t really the norm. \
But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon, \
So what?  Any pork in a storm. \
 \
No pig should go sky diving during monsoon, \
It\'s risky enough when the weather is fine. \
But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar \
Cast even more perils before swine. \
',' \
No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- \
He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. \
Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame \
And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. \
	(refrain) \
Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails \
And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. \
All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff \
But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" \
	(refrain) \
Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. \
The operator killed Puff\'s job -- he didn\'t seem to care. \
A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, \
But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! \
	(refrain) \
Refrain: \
	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, \
	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. \
	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, \
	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. \
',' \
"No program is perfect," \
They said with a shrug. \
"The customer\'s happy-- \
What\'s one little bug?" \
 \
But he was determined,			Then change two, then three more, \
The others went home.			As year followed year. \
He dug out the flow chart		And strangers would comment, \
Deserted, alone.			"Is that guy still here?" \
 \
Night passed into morning.		He died at the console \
The room was cluttered			Of hunger and thirst \
With core dumps, source listings.	Next day he was buried \
"I\'m close," he muttered.		Face down, nine edge first. \
 \
Chain smoking, cold coffee,		And his wife through her tears \
Logic, deduction.			Accepted his fate. \
"I\'ve got it!" he cried,		Said "He\'s not really gone, \
"Just change one instruction."		He\'s just working late." \
		-- The Perfect Programmer \
',' \
No rock so hard but that a little wave \
May beat admission in a thousand years. \
		-- Tennyson \
',' \
No sooner had Edger Allen Poe \
Finished his old Raven, \
then he started his Old Crow. \
',' \
No, his mind is not for rent \
To any god or government. \
Always hopeful, yet discontent, \
He knows changes aren\'t permanent - \
But change is. \
',' \
Nothing that\'s forced can ever be right, \
If it doesn\'t come naturally, leave it. \
That\'s what she said as she turned out the light, \
And we bent our backs as slaves of the night, \
Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars \
She got from trying to fight \
Saying, oh, you\'d better believe it. \
[...] \
Well nothing that\'s real is ever for free \
And you just have to pay for it sometime. \
She said it before, she said it to me, \
I suppose she believed there was nothing to see, \
But the same old four imaginary walls \
She\'d built for livin\' inside \
I said oh, you just can\'t mean it. \
[...] \
Well nothing that\'s forced can ever be right, \
If it doesn\'t come naturally, leave it. \
That\'s what she said as she turned out the light, \
And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right, \
But I woke with the frost, and noticed she\'d lost \
The veil that covered her eyes, \
I said oh, you can leave it. \
		-- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn\'t Come Naturally, Leave It" \
',' \
Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; \
Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. \
		-- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" \
',' \
Now I lay me back to sleep. \
The speaker\'s dull; the subject\'s deep. \
If he should stop before I wake, \
Give me a nudge for goodness\' sake. \
		-- Anonymous \
',' \
Now I lay me down to sleep \
I pray the double lock will keep; \
May no brick through the window break, \
And, no one rob me till I awake. \
',' \
Now I lay me down to sleep, \
I pray the Lord my soul to keep, \
If I should die before I wake, \
I\'ll cry in anguish, "Mistake!!  Mistake!!" \
',' \
Now I lay me down to study, \
I pray the Lord I won\'t go nutty. \
And if I fail to learn this junk, \
I pray the Lord that I won\'t flunk. \
But if I do, don\'t pity me at all, \
Just lay my bones in the study hall. \
Tell my teacher I\'ve done my best, \
Then pile my books upon my chest. \
',' \
Now it\'s time to say goodbye \
To all our company... \
M-I-C	(see you next week!) \
K-E-Y	(Why?  Because we LIKE you!) \
M-O-U-S-E. \
',' \
Now let the song begin!  Let us sing together \
Of sun, star, moon and mist, rain and cloudy weather, \
Light on the budding leag, dew on the feather, \
Wind on the open hill, bells on the heather, \
Reeds by the shady pool, lilies on the water: \
Old Tom Bombadil and the River-daughter! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Now of my threescore years and ten, \
Twenty will not come again, \
And take from seventy springs a score, \
It leaves me only fifty more. \
 \
And since to look at things in bloom \
Fifty springs are little room, \
About the woodlands I will go \
To see the cherry hung with snow. \
		-- A.E. Housman \
',' \
Now that day wearies me, \
My yearning desire \
Will receive more kindly, \
Like a tired child, the starry night. \
 \
Hands, leave off your deeds, \
Mind, forget all thoughts; \
All of my forces \
Yearn only to sink into sleep. \
 \
And my soul, unguarded, \
Would soar on widespread wings, \
To live in night\'s magical sphere \
More profoundly, more variously. \
		-- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep" \
',' \
Now what would they do if I just sailed away? \
Who the hell really compelled me to leave today? \
Runnin\' low on stories of what made it a ball, \
What would they do if I made no landfall?" \
		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall" \
',' \
Now\'s the time to have some big ideas \
Now\'s the time to make some firm decisions \
We saw the Buddha in a bar down south \
Talking politics and nuclear fission \
We see him and he\'s all washed up -- \
Moving on into the body of a beetle \
Getting ready for a long long crawl \
He  ain\'t nothing -- he ain\'t nothing at all... \
 \
Death and Money make their point once more \
In the shape of Philosophical assassins \
Mark and Danny take the bus uptown \
Deadly angels for reality and passion \
Have the courage of the here and now \
Don\'t taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas \
When you think you got it paid in full \
You got nothing -- you got nothing at all... \
	We\'re on the road and we\'re gunning for the Buddha. \
	We know his name and he mustn\'t get away. \
	We\'re on the road and we\'re gunning for the Buddha. \
	It would take one shot -- to blow him away... \
		-- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah" \
',' \
O give me a home, \
Where the buffalo roam, \
Where the deer and the antelope play, \
Where seldom is heard \
A discouraging word, \
\'Cause what can an antelope say? \
',' \
O love, could thou and I with fate conspire \
To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, \
Might we not smash it to bits \
And mould it closer to our hearts\' desire? \
		-- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald \
',' \
O slender as a willow-wand!  O clearer than clear water! \
O reed by the living pool!  Fair river-daughter! \
O spring-time and summer-time, and spring again after! \
O wind on the waterfall, and the leaves\' laughter! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
O! Wanderers in the shadowed land \
despair not!  For though dark they stand, \
all woods there be must end at last, \
and see the open sun go past: \
the setting sun, the rising sun, \
the day\'s end, or the day begun. \
For east or west all woods must fail ... \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Observe yon plumed biped fine. \
To activate its captivation, \
Deposit on its termination, \
A quantity of particles saline. \
',' \
Of all the words of witch\'s doom \
There\'s none so bad as which and whom. \
The man who kills both which and whom \
Will be enshrined in our Who\'s Whom. \
		-- Fletcher Knebel \
',' \
Oh don\'t the days seem lank and long \
	When all goes right and none goes wrong, \
And isn\'t your life extremely flat \
	With nothing whatever to grumble at! \
',' \
Oh give me your pity! \
I\'m on a committee,			We attend and amend \
Which means that from morning		And contend and defend \
	to night,			Without a conclusion in sight. \
 \
We confer and concur, \
We defer and demur,			We revise the agenda \
And reiterate all of our thoughts.	With frequent addenda \
					And consider a load of reports. \
 \
We compose and propose, \
We suppose and oppose,			But though various notions \
And the points of procedure are fun;	Are brought up as motions, \
					There\'s terribly little gets done. \
 \
We resolve and absolve; \
But we never dissolve, \
Since it\'s out of the question for us \
To bring our committee \
To end like this ditty, \
Which stops with a period, thus. \
		-- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee" \
',' \
Oh Lord, won\'t you buy me a 4BSD? \
My friends all got sources, so why can\'t I see? \
Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me: \
To hell with the lawyers from AT&T! \
',' \
"Oh, \'Melia, my dear, this does everything crown! \
Who could have supposed I should meet you in Town? \
And whence such fair garments such prosperi-ty?" \
"Oh, didn\'t you know I\'d been ruined?" said she. \
 \
"You left us in tatters, without shoes or socks, \
Tired of digging potatoes, and spudding up docks; \
And now you\'ve gay bracelets and bright feathers three!" \
"Yes: That\'s how we dress when we\'re ruined," said she. \
 \
"At home in the barton you said `thee\' and `thou,\' \
And `thik oon\' and `theas oon\' and `t\'other;\' but now \
Your talking quite fits \'ee for compa-ny!" \
"Some polish is gained with one\'s ruin," said she. \
 \
"Your hands were like paws then, your face blue and bleak \
But now I\'m bewitched by your delicate cheek, \
And your little gloves fit like as on any la-dy!" \
"We never do work when we\'re ruined," said she. \
 \
"You used to call home-life a hag-ridden dream, \
And you\'d sigh, and you\'d sock; but at present you seem \
To know not of megrims or melancho-ly!" \
"True.  One\'s pretty lively when ruined," said she. \
 \
"I wish I had feathers, a fine sweeping gown, \
And a delicate face, and could strut about Town!" \
"My dear--a raw country girl, such as you be, \
Cannot quite expect that.  You ain\'t ruined," said she. \
		--Thomas Hardy \
',' \
Oh, by the way, which one\'s Pink? \
		-- Pink Floyd \
',' \
Oh, give me a home, \
Where the buffalo roam, \
And I\'ll show you a house with a really messy kitchen. \
',' \
Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus \
	Where the three-body problem is solved, \
	Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K, \
	And the cold virus never evolved.			(chorus) \
We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high, \
	Our ball bearings are perfectly round. \
	Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed, \
	And a kilogram weighs half a pound.			(chorus) \
If we run out of space for our burgeoning race \
	No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch \
	When we\'re ready to start, we can take Mars apart, \
	If we just find a big enough wrench.			(chorus) \
I\'m sick of this place, it\'s just McDonald\'s in space, \
	And living up here is a bore. \
	Tell the shiggies, "Don\'t cry," they can kiss me goodbye \
	\'Cause I\'m moving next week to L4!			(chorus) \
 \
CHORUS:	Home, home on LaGrange, \
	Where the space debris always collects, \
	We possess, so it seems, two of Man\'s greatest dreams: \
	Solar power and zero-gee sex. \
		-- to Home on the Range \
',' \
Oh, I am a C programmer and I\'m okay \
	I muck with indices and structs all day \
And when it works, I shout hoo-ray \
	Oh, I am a C programmer and I\'m okay \
',' \
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, \
And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; \
Sunward I\'ve climbed and joined the tumbling mirth \
Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things \
You have not dreamed of -- \
Wheeled and soared and swung \
High in the sunlit silence. \
Hovering there \
I\'ve chased the shouting wind along and flung \
My eager craft through footless halls of air. \
Up, up along delirious, burning blue \
I\'ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, \
Where never lark, or even eagle flew; \
And, while with silent, lifting mind I\'ve trod \
The high untrespassed sanctity of space, \
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. \
		-- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" \
',' \
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, \
A medley of extemporanea; \
And love is thing that can never go wrong; \
And I am Marie of Roumania. \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Comment" \
',' \
Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. \
He may catch all the others, but he won\'t catch me. \
No, he won\'t catch me, stupid ol\' Slithery Dee. \
He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! \
		-- The Smothers Brothers \
',' \
Oh, when I was in love with you, \
	Then I was clean and brave, \
And miles around the wonder grew \
	How well did I behave. \
 \
And now the fancy passes by, \
	And nothing will remain, \
And miles around they\'ll say that I \
	Am quite myself again. \
		-- A. E. Housman \
',' \
Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin\' is gone. \
		-- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane" \
',' \
Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe, \
She had so many children, \
She didn\'t know what to do. \
So she moved to Atlanta. \
',' \
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard \
To fetch her poor daughter a dress. \
When she got there, the cupboard was bare \
And so was her daughter, I guess... \
',' \
Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow, \
Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow. \
None has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master: \
His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster. \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
On a morning from a Bogart movie, in a country where they turned back time, \
You go strolling through the crowd like Peter Lorre contemplating a crime. \
She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running like a watercolor in the rain. \
Don\'t bother asking for explanations, she\'ll just tell you that she came \
In the Year of the Cat. \
 \
She doesn\'t give you time for questions, as she locks up your arm in hers, \
And you follow \'till your sense of which direction completely disappears. \
By the blue-tiled walls near the market stall there\'s a hidden door she \
    leads you to. \
These days, she say, I feel my life just like a river running through \
The Year of the Cat. \
 \
Well, she looks at you so coolly, \
And her eyes shine like the moon in the sea. \
She comes in incense and patchouli, \
So you take her to find what\'s waiting inside \
The Year of the Cat. \
 \
Well, morning comes and you\'re still with her, but the bus and the tourists \
    are gone, \
And you\'ve thrown away your choice and lost your ticket, so you have to stay on. \
But the drum-beat strains of the night remain in the rhythm of the new-born day. \
You know some time you\'re bound to leave her, but for now you\'re going to stay \
In the Year of the Cat. \
		-- Al Stewart, "Year of the Cat" \
',' \
On the good ship Enterprise \
Every week there\'s a new surprise \
Where the Romulans lurk \
And the Klingons often go berserk. \
 \
Yes, the good ship Enterprise \
There\'s excitement anywhere it flies \
Where Tribbles play \
And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. \
 \
	See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, \
	Mr. Spock is at his side. \
	The weekly menace, ooh-ooh \
	It gets fried, scattered far and wide. \
 \
It\'s the good ship Enterprise \
Heading out where danger lies \
And you live in dread \
If you\'re wearing a shirt that\'s red. \
	-- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics, \
	   "The Good Ship Enterprise," to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop" \
',' \
Once again dread deed is done. \
Canon sleeps, \
his all-knowing eye shaded \
to human chance and circumstance. \
Peace reigns anew o\'er Pine Valley, \
but Canon\'s sleep is troubled. \
 \
Beware, scant days past the Ides of July. \
Impatient hands wait eagerly \
to grasp, to hold \
scant moments of time \
wrested from life in the full \
glory of Canon\'s power; \
held captive by his unblinking eye. \
 \
Three golden orbs stand watch; \
one each to toll the day, hour, minute \
until predestiny decrees his reawakening. \
When that feared moment arives, \
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, \
It tolls for thee." \
		-- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine \
		   Valley Pawn Shop today" \
',' \
Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail, \
And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, \
And once as he finished reading from the secretary\'s spool, \
He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!) \
And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat, \
He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat, \
And hard errors brought the system down \'fore he could even shout! \
	And the bio bug\'ll bring yours down too, ef you don\'t watch out! \
And once they was a little flake who\'d prowl through the uulog, \
And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god, \
The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed, \
But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed! \
Oh, the wizards adb\'d the dumps and did the system trace, \
And worked on the file system \'til the disk head was hot paste, \
But all they ever found was this:  "panic: never doubt", \
	And the bio bug\'ll crash your box too, ef you don\'t watch out! \
When the day is done and the moon comes out, \
And you hear the printer whining and the rk\'s seems to count, \
When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey, \
And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it\'ll stay, \
You must mind the file protections and not snoop around, \
	Or the bio bug\'ll getcha and bring the system down! \
',' \
Once upon this midnight incoherent, \
While you pondered sentient and crystalline, \
Over many a broken and subordinate \
Volume of gnarly lore, \
While I pestered, nearly singing, \
Sudddenly there came a hewing, \
As of someone profusely skulking, \
Skulking at my chamber door. \
',' \
One bright Sunday morning, in the shadows of the steeple, \
By the Relief Office, I seen my people; \
As they stood there hungry, I stood there whistling, \
This land was made for you and me. \
 \
Nobody living can ever stop me, \
As I go walking that freedom highway; \
Nobody living can ever make me turn back, \
This land was made for you and me. \
 \
As I went walking, I saw a sign there, \
And on the sign it said: "No Trespassing." \
But on the other side, it didn\'t say nothing, \
That side was made for you and me. \
		-- Woody Guthrie, "This Land Is Your Land" (verses 4, 6, 7) \
	[If you ever wondered why Arlo was so anti-establishment when his dad \
	 wrote such wonderful patriotic songs, the answer is that you haven\'t \
	 heard all of Woody\'s songs] \
',' \
One day, \
A mad meta-poet, \
With nothing to say, \
Wrote a mad meta-poem \
That started: "One day, \
A mad meta-poet, \
With nothing to say, \
Wrote a mad meta-poem \
That started: "One day, \
[...] \
sort of close". \
Were the words that the poet, \
Finally chose, \
To bring his mad poem, \
To some sort of close". \
Were the words that the poet, \
Finally chose, \
To bring his mad poem, \
To some sort of close". \
',' \
One good thing about music, \
Well, it helps you feel no pain. \
So hit me with music; \
Hit me with music now. \
		-- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock" \
',' \
One pill makes you larger,		And if you go chasing rabbits \
And one pill makes you small.		And you know you\'re going to fall. \
And the ones that mother gives you,	Tell \'em a hookah smoking caterpillar \
Don\'t do anything at all.		Has given you the call. \
Go ask Alice				Call Alice \
When she\'s ten feet tall.		When she was just small. \
 \
When men on the chessboard		When logic and proportion \
Get up and tell you where to go.	Have fallen sloppy dead, \
And you\'ve just had some kind of	And the White Knight is talking \
	mushroom				backwards \
And your mind is moving low.		And the Red Queen\'s lost her head \
Go ask Alice				Remember what the dormouse said: \
I think she\'ll know.				Feed your head. \
						Feed your head. \
						Feed your head. \
		-- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" \
',' \
One reason why George Washington \
Is held in such veneration: \
He never blamed his problems \
On the former Administration. \
		-- George O. Ludcke \
',' \
One thing about the past. \
It\'s likely to last. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
One toke over the line, sweet Mary, \
One toke over the line, \
Sittin\' downtown in a railway station, \
One toke over the line. \
Waitin\' for the train that goes home, \
Hopin\' that the train is on time, \
Sittin\' downtown in a railway station, \
One toke over the line. \
',' \
Other women cloy \
The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry \
Where most she satisfies. \
		-- Antony and Cleopatra \
',' \
Our little systems have their day; \
They have their day and cease to be; \
They are but broken lights of thee. \
		-- Tennyson \
',' \
Our sires\' age was worse that our grandsires\'. \
We their sons are more worthless than they: \
so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. \
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) \
',' \
Parsley \
	 is gharsley. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
Payeen to a Twang \
Derrida \
Ore-Ida \
potato. \
 \
If you dared, \
I\'d ask you \
to go dig \
up your ides under brown- \
tubered skies. \
 \
where pitchforked \
you will ask \
Derrida? \
',' \
Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream, \
I wonder how the old folks are tonight, \
Her name was Ann, and I\'ll be damned if I recall her face, \
She left me not knowing what to do. \
 \
Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you, \
Carefree Highway, you seen better days, \
The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes, \
Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you... \
 \
Turning back the pages to the times I love best, \
I wonder if she\'ll ever do the same, \
Now the thing that I call livin\' is just bein\' satisfied, \
With knowing I got noone left to blame. \
Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame... \
 \
Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep, \
I wonder if the years have closed her mind, \
I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin\' to get free, \
From the good old faithful feelin\' we once knew. \
		-- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway" \
',' \
Piping down the valleys wild, \
Piping songs of pleasant glee, \
On a cloud I saw a child, \
And he laughing said to me: \
"Pipe a song about a Lamb!" \
So I piped with merry cheer. \
"Piper, pipe that song again;" \
So I piped: he wept to hear. \
		-- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence" \
',' \
Plagiarize, plagiarize, \
Let no man\'s work evade your eyes, \
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, \
Don\'t shade your eyes, \
But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize. \
Only be sure to call it research. \
		-- Tom Lehrer \
',' \
Planet Claire has pink hair. \
All the trees are red. \
No one ever dies there. \
No one has a head.... \
',' \
Please stand for the National Anthem: \
 \
	Australians all, let us rejoice, \
	For we are young and free. \
	We\'ve golden soil and wealth for toil \
	Our home is girt by sea. \
	Our land abounds in nature\'s gifts \
	Of beauty rich and rare. \
	In history\'s page, let every stage \
	Advance Australia Fair. \
	In joyful strains then let us sing, \
	Advance Australia Fair. \
 \
Thank you.  You may resume your seat. \
',' \
Please stand for the National Anthem: \
 \
	God save our Gracious Queen! \
	Long live our Noble Queen! \
	God save the Queen! \
	Send her victorious, \
	Happy and glorious, \
	Long to reign o\'er us! \
	God save the Queen! \
 \
Thank you.  You may resume your seat. \
',' \
Please stand for the National Anthem: \
 \
	O Canada \
	Our home and native land \
	True patriot love \
	In all thy sons\' command \
	With glowing hearts we see thee rise \
	The true north strong and free \
	From far and wide, O Canada \
	We stand on guard for thee \
	God keep our land glorious and free \
	O Canada we stand on guard for thee \
	O Canada we stand on guard for thee \
 \
Thank you.  You may resume your seat. \
',' \
Please stand for the National Anthem: \
 \
	Oh, say can you see by dawn\'s early light \
	What so proudly we hailed at the twilight\'s last gleaming? \
	Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight \
	O\'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? \
	And the rockets\' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, \
	Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. \
	Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave \
	O\'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? \
 \
Thank you.  You may resume your seat. \
',' \
Power, like a desolating pestilence, \
Pollutes whate\'er it touches... \
		-- Percy Bysshe Shelley \
',' \
Probable-Possible, my black hen, \
She lays eggs in the Relative When. \
She doesn\'t lay eggs in the Positive Now \
Because she\'s unable to postulate How. \
		-- Frederick Winsor \
',' \
	Proposed Country & Western Song Titles \
I Can\'t Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side \
If You Won\'t Leave Me Alone, I\'ll Find Someone Who Will \
I Knew That You\'d Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With \
	Your Socks Outside-in \
I\'m a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love \
Don\'t Kick My Tires If You Ain\'t Gonna Take Me For a Ride \
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well \
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim\'s Gettin\' Better \
I\'ve Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I\'m Blue All the Time \
		-- "Wordplay" \
',' \
	Proposed Country & Western Song Titles \
I Don\'t Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain\'t Lyin\' Alone \
I Wouldn\'t Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win \
If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I\'ll Think You\'re Comin\' In \
Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I\'m At Your Disposal \
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was \
	Breaking My Heart \
Don\'t Cry, Little Darlin\', You\'re Waterin\' My Beer \
Tennis Must Be Your Racket, \'Cause Love Means Nothin\' to You \
When You Say You Love Me, You\'re Full of Prunes, \'Cause Living \
	With You Is the Pits \
I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger \
		-- "Wordplay" \
',' \
	Proposed Country & Western Song Titles \
She Ain\'t Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass \
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who\'s I\'d Find On You \
I\'m Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave \
It\'s Commode Huggin\' Time In The Valley \
If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife\'s Heart \
If You Get the Feeling That I Don\'t Love You, Feel Again \
I\'m Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave \
It\'s the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy\'s Soul \
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him \
Don\'t Cut Any More Wood, Baby, \'Cause I\'ll Be Comin\' Home With A Load \
I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You \
',' \
Put another password in, \
Bomb it out, then try again. \
Try to get past logging in, \
We\'re hacking, hacking, hacking. \
 \
Try his first wife\'s maiden name, \
This is more than just a game. \
It\'s real fun, but just the same, \
It\'s hacking, hacking, hacking. \
		-- To the tune of "Music, Music, Music?" \
',' \
rain falls where clouds come \
sun shines where clouds go \
clouds just come and go \
		-- Florian Gutzwiller \
',' \
Razors pain you; \
	Rivers are damp. \
	Acids stain you, \
And drugs cause cramp. \
 \
Guns aren\'t lawful; \
	Nooses give. \
	Gas smells awful-- \
You might as well live! \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 \
',' \
Reach into the thoughts of friends, \
And find they do not know your name. \
Squeeze the teddy bear too tight, \
And watch the feathers burst the seams. \
Touch the stained glass with your cheek, \
And feel its chill upon your blood. \
Hold a candle to the night, \
And see the darkness bend the flame. \
Tear the mask of peace from God, \
And hear the roar of souls in hell. \
Pluck a rose in name of love, \
And watch the petals curl and wilt. \
Lean upon the western wind, \
And know you are alone. \
		-- Dru Mims \
',' \
Reclaimer, spare that tree! \
Take not a single bit! \
It used to point to me, \
Now I\'m protecting it. \
It was the reader\'s CONS \
That made it, paired by dot; \
Now, GC, for the nonce, \
Thou shalt reclaim it not. \
',' \
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be \
worse in Cleveland. \
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" \
',' \
Remember thee \
Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat \
In this distracted globe.  Remember thee! \
Yea, from the table of my memory \
I\'ll wipe away all trivial fond records, \
All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, \
That youth and observation copied there. \
		-- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet" \
',' \
Remove me from this land of slaves, \
Where all are fools, and all are knaves, \
Where every knave and fool is bought,  \
Yet kindly sells himself for nought; \
		-- Jonathan Swift \
',' \
Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun, \
With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done. \
The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day, \
So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray. \
Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war, \
With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore. \
Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees, \
They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese. \
	Roland the Thompson gunner... \
His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest, \
But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best. \
So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead, \
That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland\'s head. \
	Roland the headless Thompson gunner... \
Roland searched the continent, for the man who\'d done him in. \
He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin, \
Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn\'t say a word, \
But he blew Van Owen\'s body from there to Johannesburg. \
The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night, \
Now it\'s ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight. \
In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley, \
Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland\'s Thompson gun, and bought it. \
		-- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" \
',' \
Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, \
He jumped out the window \'cause he couldn\'t sit still, \
Juliet was waiting with a safety net, \
Said "don\'t bury me \'cause I ain\'t dead yet". \
		-- Elvis Costello \
',' \
Roses are red; \
	Violets are blue. \
I\'m schizophrenic, \
	And so am I. \
',' \
Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, \
	Is like being nowhere at all, \
All through the day how the hours rush by, \
	You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. \
		-- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" \
',' \
Say it with flowers, \
Or say it with mink, \
But whatever you do, \
Don\'t say it with ink! \
		-- Jimmie Durante \
',' \
Say many of cameras focused t\'us, \
Our middle-aged shots do us justice. \
No justice, please, curse ye! \
We really want mercy: \
You see, \'tis the justice, disgusts us. \
		-- Thomas H. Hildebrandt \
',' \
Say my love is easy had, \
	Say I\'m bitten raw with pride, \
Say I am too often sad -- \
	Still behold me at your side. \
 \
Say I\'m neither brave nor young, \
	Say I woo and coddle care, \
Say the devil touched my tongue -- \
	Still you have my heart to wear. \
 \
But say my verses do not scan, \
	And I get me another man! \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words" \
',' \
Say!  You\'ve struck a heap of trouble-- \
Bust in business, lost your wife; \
No one cares a cent about you, \
You don\'t care a cent for life; \
Hard luck has of hope bereft you, \
Health is failing, wish you\'d die-- \
Why, you\'ve still the sunshine left you \
And the big blue sky. \
		-- R.W. Service \
',' \
Science Fiction, Double Feature. \
Frank has built and lost his creature. \
Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet. \
The servants gone to a distant planet. \
Wo, oh, oh, oh. \
At the late night, double feature, Picture show. \
I want to go, oh, oh, oh. \
To the late night, double feature, Picture show. \
		-- Rocky Horror Picture Show \
',' \
Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! \
Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes. \
Why preyest thou thus upon the poet\'s heart, \
Vulture, whose wings are dull realities? \
How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise? \
Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering \
To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies, \
Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing? \
Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car? \
And driven the Hamadryad from the wood \
To seek a shelter in some happier star? \
Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood, \
The Elfin from the green grass, and from me \
The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? \
		-- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" \
',' \
Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, \
Fain how I pause at your nature specific, \
Loftily poised in the ether capacious, \
Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. \
Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, \
Fain how I pause at your nature specific. \
',' \
Scratch the disks, dump the core,	Shut it down, pull the plug \
Roll the tapes across the floor,	Give the core an extra tug \
And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash. \
Teletypes smashed to bits.		Mem\'ry cards, one and all, \
Give the scopes some nasty hits		Toss out halfway down the hall \
And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash. \
And we\'ve also found			Just flip one switch \
When you turn the power down,		And the lights will cease to twitch \
You turn the disk readers into trash.	And the tape drives will crumble \
						in a flash. \
Oh, it\'s so much fun,			When the CPU \
Now the CPU won\'t run			Can print nothing out but "foo," \
And the system is going to crash.	The system is going to crash. \
		-- To the tune of "As the Caissons go Rolling Along" \
',' \
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. \
She scissored short.  Sorely shorn, \
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, \
Silently scheming, \
Sightlessly seeking \
Some savage, spectacular suicide. \
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" \
',' \
Seek for the Sword that was broken: \
In Imladris it dwells; \
There shall be counsels taken \
Stronger than Morgul-spells. \
 \
There shall be shown a token \
That Doom is near at hand, \
For Isildur\'s Bane shall waken, \
And the Halfling forth shall stand. \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
She asked me, "What\'s your sign?" \
I blinked and answered "Neon," \
I thought I\'d blow her mind... \
',' \
She blinded me with science! \
',' \
She can kill all your files; \
She can freeze with a frown. \
And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down. \
And she works on her code until ten after three. \
She lives like a bat but she\'s always a hacker to me. \
		-- Apologies to Billy Joel \
',' \
She stood on the tracks \
Waving her arms \
Leading me to that third rail shock \
Quick as a wink \
She changed her mind \
 \
She gave me a night \
That\'s all it was \
What will it take until I stop \
Kidding myself \
Wasting my time \
 \
There\'s nothing else I can do \
\'Cause I\'m doing it all for Leyna \
I don\'t want anyone new \
\'Cause I\'m living it all for Leyna \
There\'s nothing in it for you \
\'Cause I\'m giving it all to Leyna \
		-- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses) \
',' \
SHIFT TO THE LEFT! \
SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! \
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, \
BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! \
',' \
Shift to the left, \
Shift to the right, \
Mask in, mask out, \
BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! \
',' \
Since I hurt my pendulum \
My life is all erratic. \
My parrot who was cordial \
Is now transmitting static. \
The carpet died, a palm collapsed, \
The cat keeps doing poo. \
The only thing that keeps me sane \
Is talking to my shoe. \
		-- My Shoe \
',' \
Sing hey! for the bath at close of day \
That washes the weary mud away! \
A loon is he that will not sing: \
O! Water Hot is a noble thing! \
 \
	O! Sweet is the sound of falling rain, \
	and the brook that leaps from hill to plain; \
	but better than rain or rippling streams \
	is Water Hot that smokes and steams. \
 \
O! Water cold we may pour at need \
down a thirsty throat and be glad indeed; \
but better is Beer, if drink we lack, \
and Water Hot poured down the back. \
 \
	O! Water is fair that leaps on high \
	in a fountain white beneath the sky; \
	but never did fountain sound so sweet \
	as splashing Hot Water with my feet! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Snow-white!  Snow-white!  O Lady clear! \
O Queen beyond the Western Sea! \
O Light to us that wander here \
Amid the world of woven trees! \
 \
	Gilthoniel!  O Elbereth! \
	Clear are thy eyes and bright thy breath! \
	Snow-white!  Snow-white!  We sing to thee \
	In a far land beyond the Sea. \
 \
O stars that in the Sunless Year \
With shining hand by her were sown, \
In windy fields now bright and clear \
We see you silver blossom blown! \
 \
	O Elbereth!  Gilthoniel! \
	We still remember, we who dwell \
	In this far land beneath the trees, \
	Thy starlight on the Western Seas. \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
So much \
depends \
upon \
a red \
 \
wheel \
barrow \
glazed with \
 \
rain \
water \
beside \
the white \
chickens. \
		-- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow" \
',' \
So, you better watch out! \
You better not cry! \
You better not pout! \
I\'m telling you why, \
Santa Claus is coming, to town. \
 \
He knows when you\'ve been sleeping, \
He know when you\'re awake. \
He knows if you\'ve been bad or good, \
He has ties with the CIA. \
So... \
',' \
So... so you think you can tell \
Heaven from Hell? \
Blue skies from pain?			Did they get you to trade \
Can you tell a green field		Your heroes for ghosts? \
From a cold steel rail?			Hot ashes for trees? \
A smile from a veil?			Hot air for a cool breeze? \
Do you think you can tell?		Cold comfort for change? \
					Did you exchange \
					A walk on part in a war \
					For the lead role in a cage? \
		-- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" \
',' \
Soldiers who wish to be a hero \
Are practically zero, \
But those who wish to be civilians, \
They run into the millions. \
',' \
Some of them want to use you, \
Some of them want to be used by you, \
...Everybody\'s looking for something. \
		-- Eurythmics \
',' \
Some primal termite knocked on wood. \
And tasted it, and found it good. \
And that is why your Cousin May \
Fell through the parlor floor today. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
Some say the world will end in fire, \
Some say in ice. \
From what I\'ve tasted of desire \
I hold with those who favor fire. \
But if it had to perish twice, \
I think I know enough of hate \
To say that for destruction, ice \
Is also great \
And would suffice. \
		-- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice" \
',' \
Sometimes I feel like I\'m fading away, \
Looking at me, I got nothin\' to say. \
Don\'t make me angry with the things games that you play, \
Either light up or leave me alone. \
',' \
Sometimes I live in the country, \
And sometimes I live in town. \
And sometimes I have a great notion, \
To jump in the river and drown. \
',' \
Sometimes the light\'s all shining on me, \
Other times I can barely see. \
Lately it occurs to me \
What a long strange trip it\'s been. \
		-- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty" \
',' \
Speak roughly to your little boy, \
	And beat him when he sneezes: \
He only does it to annoy \
	Because he knows it teases. \
	Wow!  wow!  wow! \
 \
I speak severely to my boy, \
	And beat him when he sneezes: \
For he can thoroughly enjoy \
	The pepper when he pleases! \
	Wow!  wow!  wow! \
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" \
',' \
Speak roughly to your little VAX, \
	And boot it when it crashes; \
It knows that one cannot relax \
	Because the paging thrashes! \
	Wow!  Wow!  Wow! \
 \
I speak severely to my VAX, \
	And boot it when it crashes; \
In spite of all my favorite hacks \
	My jobs it always thrashes! \
	Wow!  Wow!  Wow! \
',' \
Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: \
 \
With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair \
He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! \
And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down \
As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! \
Helpless users with projects due \
Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! \
 \
Oh, no!  He says Unix runs too slow!  Go, go, DECzilla! \
Oh, yes!  He\'s gonna bring up VMS!  Go, go, DECzilla!" \
 \
* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation. \
* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. \
		-- Curtis Jackson \
',' \
Spring is here, spring is here, \
Life is skittles and life is beer. \
',' \
St. Patrick was a gentleman \
who through strategy and stealth \
drove all the snakes from Ireland. \
Here\'s a toasting to his health -- \
but not too many toastings \
lest you lose yourself and then \
forget the good St. Patrick \
and see all those snakes again. \
',' \
Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time, \
There\'s something wrong here, there can be no more denying, \
One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying, \
 \
And it\'s too late, baby, now, it\'s too late, \
Though we really did try to make it, \
Something inside has died and I can\'t hide and I just can\'t fake it... \
 \
It used to be so easy living here with you, \
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do \
Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool. \
 \
There\'ll be good times again for me and you, \
But we just can\'t stay together, don\'t you feel it too? \
But I\'m glad for what we had and that I once loved you... \
 \
But it\'s too late baby... \
It\'s too late, now darling, it\'s too late... \
		-- Carol King, "Tapestry" \
',' \
Step back, unbelievers! \
Or the rain will never come. \
Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum. \
You may think I\'m crazy, you may think that I\'m insane, \
But I swear to you, before this day is out, \
	you folks are gonna see some rain! \
',' \
Strange things are done to be number one \
In selling the computer			The Druids were entrepreneurs, \
IBM has their strategem			And they built a granite box \
Which steadily grows acuter,		It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons, \
And Honeywell competes like Hell,	And forecast the equinox \
But the story\'s missing link		Their price was right, their future \
Is the system old at Stonemenge sold		bright, \
By the firm of Druids, Inc.		The prototype was sold; \
					From Stonehenge site their bits and byte \
					Would ship for Celtic gold. \
The movers came to crate the frame; \
It weighed a million ton! \
The traffic folk thought it a joke	The man spoke true, and thus to you \
(the wagon wheels just spun);		A warning from the ages; \
"They\'ll nay sell that," the foreman	Your stock will slip if you can\'t ship \
	spat,				What\'s in your brochure\'s pages. \
"Just leave the wild weeds grow;	See if it sells without the bells \
"It\'s Druid-kind, over-designed,	And strings that ring and quiver; \
"And belly up they\'ll go."		Druid repute went down the chute \
					Because they couldn\'t deliver. \
		-- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge" \
',' \
Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; \
The deed there is, but no doer thereof; \
Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; \
The Path there is, but none who travel it. \
		-- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values \
',' \
Sun in the night, everyone is together, \
Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. \
		-- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night" \
',' \
      /\\	SUN of them wants to use you, \
     \\\\ \\ \
  / \\ \\\\ /	SUN of them wants to be used by you, \
 / / \\/ / //\\ \
 \\//\\   \\// /	SUN of them wants to abuse you, \
  / /  /\\  / \
   /  \\\\ \\	SUN of them wants to be abused ... \
     \\ \\\\ \
      \\/ \
		-- Eurythmics \
',' \
Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess, \
And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes". \
',' \
System/3!  System/3! \
See how it runs!  See how it runs! \
	Its monitor loses so totally! \
	It runs all its programs in RPG! \
	It\'s made by our favorite monopoly! \
System/3! \
',' \
T:	One big monster, he called TROLL. \
	He don\'t rock, and he don\'t roll; \
	Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. \
	He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. \
		-- The Roguelet\'s ABC \
',' \
Take a look around you, tell me what you see, \
A girl who thinks she\'s ordinary lookin\' she has got the key. \
If you can get close enough to look into her eyes \
There\'s something special right behind the bitterness she hides. \
	And you\'re fair game, \
	You never know what she\'ll decide, you\'re fair game, \
	Just relax, enjoy the ride. \
Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool, \
But do it with a little class, disregard the rules. \
\'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn\'t get a date. \
The ugly duckling striking back, and she\'ll decide her fate. \
	(chorus) \
The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch. \
She\'s pleasant and she\'s friendly while she\'s looking at your crotch. \
Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie, \
And sure enough she\'ll take you home and make you wanna die. \
	(chorus) \
		-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game" \
',' \
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting \
enough cheese. \
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" \
',' \
Tan me hide when I\'m dead, Fred, \
Tan me hide when I\'m dead. \
So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, \
It\'s hanging there on the shed. \
 \
All together now... \
	Tie me kangaroo down, sport, \
	Tie me kangaroo down. \
	Tie me kangaroo down, sport, \
	Tie me kangaroo down. \
',' \
Tell me why the stars do shine, \
Tell me why the ivy twines, \
Tell me why the sky\'s so blue, \
And I will tell you just why I love you. \
 \
	Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine, \
	Phototropism makes ivy twine, \
	Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue, \
	Sexual hormones are why I love you. \
',' \
Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, \
Is those things arms, or is they legs? \
I marvel at thee, Octopus; \
If I were thou, I\'d call me us. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
Terence, this is stupid stuff: \
You eat your victuals fast enough; \
There can\'t be much amiss, \'tis clear, \
To see the rate you drink your beer. \
But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, \
It gives a chap the belly-ache. \
The cow, the old cow, she is dead; \
It sleeps well the horned head: \
We poor lads, \'tis our turn now \
To hear such tunes as killed the cow. \
Pretty friendship \'tis to rhyme \
Your friends to death before their time. \
Moping, melancholy mad: \
Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. \
		-- A.E. Housman \
',' \
That feeling just came over me. \
		-- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler" \
',' \
That money talks, \
I\'ll not deny, \
I heard it once, \
It said "Good-bye. \
		-- Richard Armour \
',' \
	The Advertising Agency Song \
  \
	When your client\'s hopping mad, \
	Put his picture in the ad. \
	If he still should prove refractory, \
	Add a picture of his factory. \
',' \
The all-softening overpowering knell, \
The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. \
		-- Lord Byron \
',' \
The bank called to tell me that I\'m overdrawn, \
Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn, \
And I *can\'t*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone, \
	It\'s just ONE OF THOSE DAYS! \
		-- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days" \
',' \
The bank sent our statement this morning, \
The red ink was a sight of great awe! \
Their figures and mine might have balanced, \
But my wife was too quick on the draw. \
',' \
The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... \
and the bird is on the wing. \
		-- Omar Khayyam \
',' \
The boy stood on the burning deck, \
Eating peanuts by the peck. \
His father called him, but he could not go, \
For he loved those peanuts so. \
',' \
The camel has a single hump; \
The dromedary two; \
Or else the other way around. \
I\'m never sure.  Are you? \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
The carbonyl is polarized, \
The delta end is plus. \
The nucleophile will thus attack, \
The carbon nucleus. \
Addition makes an alcohol, \
Of types there are but three. \
It makes a bond, to correspond, \
From C to shining C. \
		-- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful" \
',' \
The common cormorant, or shag, \
Lays eggs inside a paper bag; \
The reason, you will see, no doubt, \
Is to keep the lightning out. \
But what these unobservant birds \
Have failed to notice is that herds \
Of bears may come with buns \
And steal the bags to hold the crumbs. \
',' \
The difference between us is not very far, \
cruising for burgers in daddy\'s new car. \
',' \
The eyes of Texas are upon you, \
All the livelong day; \
The eyes of Texas are upon you, \
You cannot get away; \
Do not think you can escape them \
From night \'til early in the morn; \
The eyes of Texas are upon you \
\'Til Gabriel blows his horn. \
		-- University of Texas\' school song \
',' \
The garden is in mourning; \
The rain falls cool among the flowers. \
Summer shivers quietly \
On its way towards its end. \
 \
Golden leaf after leaf \
Falls from the tall acacia. \
Summer smiles, astonished, feeble, \
In this dying dream of a garden. \
 \
For a long while, yet, in the roses, \
She will linger on, yearning for peace, \
And slowly \
Close her weary eyes. \
		-- Hermann Hesse, "September" \
',' \
The glances over cocktails \
That seemed to be so sweet \
Don\'t seem quite so amorous \
Over Shredded Wheat \
',' \
The good (I am convinced, for one) \
Is but the bad one leaves undone. \
Once your reputation\'s done \
You can live a life of fun. \
		-- Wilhelm Busch \
',' \
The good life was so elusive \
It really got me down \
I had to regain some confidence \
So I got into camouflage \
',' \
The good time is approaching, \
The season is at hand. \
When the merry click of the two-base lick \
Will be heard throughout the land. \
The frost still lingers on the earth, and \
Budless are the trees. \
But the merry ring of the voice of spring \
Is borne upon the breeze. \
		-- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886 \
',' \
The grave\'s a fine and private place, \
but none, I think, do there embrace. \
		-- Andrew Marvell \
',' \
The hope that springs eternal \
Springs right up your behind. \
		-- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find" \
',' \
The Junior God now heads the roll \
In the list of heaven\'s peers; \
He sits in the House of High Control, \
And he regulates the spheres. \
Yet does he wonder, do you suppose, \
If, even in gods divine, \
The best and wisest may not be those \
Who have wallowed awhile with the swine? \
		-- Robert W. Service \
',' \
The ladies men admire, I\'ve heard, \
Would shudder at a wicked word. \
Their candle gives a single light; \
They\'d rather stay at home at night. \
They do not keep awake till three, \
Nor read erotic poetry. \
They never sanction the impure, \
Nor recognize an overture. \
They shrink from powders and from paints... \
So far, I\'ve had no complaints. \
		-- Dorothy Parker \
',' \
The leaves were long, the grass was green, \
The hemlock-umbels tall and fair, \
And in the glade a light was seen \
Of stars in shadow shimmering. \
Tin\'uviel was dancing there \
To music of a pipe unseen, \
And light of stars was in her hair, \
And in her raiment glimmering. \
 \
There Beren came from mountains colds, \
And lost he wandered under leaves, \
And where the Elven-river rolled \
He walked alone and sorrowing. \
He peered between the hemlock-leaves \
And saw in wonder flowers of gold \
Upon her mantle and her sleeves, \
And her hair like shadow following. \
 \
Enchantment healed his weary feet \
That over hills were doomed to roam; \
And forth he hastened, strong and fleet, \
And grasped at moonbeams glistening. \
Through woven woods in Elvenhome \
She lightly fled on dancing feet, \
And left him lonely still to roam \
In the silent forest listening. \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
The lights are on, \
but you\'re not home; \
Your will \
is not your own; \
Your heart sweats, \
Your teeth grind; \
Another kiss \
and you\'ll be mine... \
 \
You like to think that you\'re immune to the stuff \
(Oh Yeah!) \
It\'s closer to the truth to say you can\'t get enough; \
You know you\'re gonna have to face it, \
You\'re addicted to love!" \
		-- Robert Palmer \
',' \
The little town that time forgot, \
Where all the women are strong, \
The men are good-looking, \
And the children above-average. \
		-- Prairie Home Companion \
',' \
	The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in \
a position of negative need. \
	He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area. \
	He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous \
liquid. \
	He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. \
	He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal \
prestige of His identity. \
	It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make \
ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror \
sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena. \
	Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me \
into a pleasurific mood state. \
	You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure \
in the context of non-cooperative elements. \
	You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract. \
	My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis. \
	It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational \
empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their \
target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess \
tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended \
time basis. \
',' \
The makers may make \
and the users may use, \
but the fixers must fix \
with but minimal clues \
',' \
The man she had was kind and clean \
And well enough for every day, \
But oh, dear friends, you should have seen \
The one that got away. \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman" \
',' \
The morning sun when it\'s in your face really shows your age, \
But that don\'t bother me none; in my eyes you\'re everything. \
I know I keep you amused, \
But I feel I\'m being used. \
Oh, Maggie, I wish I\'d never seen your face. \
 \
You took me away from home, \
Just to save you from being alone; \
You stole my heart, and that\'s what really hurts. \
 \
I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, \
Or steal my daddy\'s cue and make a living out of playing pool, \
Or find myself a rock \'n\' roll band, \
That needs a helping hand, \
Oh, Maggie I wish I\'d never seen your face. \
 \
You made a first-class fool out of me, \
But I\'m as blind as a fool can be. \
You stole my soul, and that\'s a pain I can do without. \
		-- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May" \
',' \
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, \
	Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit \
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, \
	Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. \
',' \
The net of law is spread so wide, \
No sinner from its sweep may hide. \
Its meshes are so fine and strong, \
They take in every child of wrong. \
O wondrous web of mystery! \
Big fish alone escape from thee! \
		-- James Jeffrey Roche \
',' \
The night passes quickly when you\'re asleep \
But I\'m out shufflin\' for something to eat \
... \
Breakfast at the Egg House, \
Like the waffle on the griddle, \
I\'m burnt around the edges, \
But I\'m tender in the middle. \
		-- Adrian Belew \
',' \
The one L lama, he\'s a priest \
The two L llama, he\'s a beast \
And I will bet my silk pyjama \
There isn\'t any three L lllama. \
		-- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally \
		his department responded to something like a "three L lllama." \
',' \
The Pig, if I am not mistaken, \
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. \
Let others think his heart is big, \
I think it stupid of the Pig. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life \
	The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George \
Wither.  Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his \
verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well". \
	In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his \
work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness.  It usually \
lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel". \
	High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically \
rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with \
the higher emotions. \
		She would me "Honey" call, \
		She\'d -- O she\'d kiss me too. \
		But now alas!  She\'s left me \
		Falero, lero, loo. \
	Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize \
was her prudent choice of footwear. \
		The fives did fit her shoe. \
	In 1639 the great poet\'s life was endangered after his capture by \
the Royalists during the English Civil War.  When Sir John Denham, the \
Royalist poet, heard of Wither\'s imminent execution, he went to the King and \
begged that his life be spared.  When asked his reason, Sir John replied, \
"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the \
worst poet in England." \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, \
	Were each of them once a kiddie. \
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. \
	Do I want one?  God Forbiddie! \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
The Rabbits				The Cow \
Here is a verse about rabbits		The cow is of the bovine ilk; \
That doesn\'t mention their habits.	One end is moo, the other, milk. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
The rain it raineth on the just \
	And also on the unjust fella, \
But chiefly on the just, because \
	The unjust steals the just\'s umbrella. \
		-- Lord Bowen \
',' \
The rhino is a homely beast, \
For human eyes he\'s not a feast. \
Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, \
I\'ll stare at something less prepoceros. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
The Road goes ever on and on \
Down from the door where it began. \
Now far ahead the Road has gone, \
And I must follow, if I can, \
Pursuing it with eager feet, \
Until it joins some larger way \
Where many paths and errands meet. \
And whither then?  I cannot say. \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing, \
And surly Winter grimly flies. \
Now crystal clear are the falling waters, \
And bonnie blue are the sunny skies. \
Fresh o\'er the mountains breaks forth the morning, \
The ev\'ning gilds the oceans\'s swell: \
All creatures joy in the sun\'s returning, \
And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell. \
 \
The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer, \
The yellow Autumn presses near; \
Then in his turn come gloomy Winter, \
Till smiling Spring again appear. \
Thus seasons dancing, life advancing, \
Old Time and Nature their changes tell; \
But never ranging, still unchanging, \
I adore my bonnie Bell. \
		-- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell" \
',' \
The soldier came knocking upon the queen\'s door. \
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more." \
The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before, \
And slowly she let him inside. \
 \
He said, "I see you now, and you\'re so very young, \
But I\'ve seen more battles lost than I have battles won, \
And I have this intuition that it\'s all for your fun. \
And now will you tell me why?" \
		-- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier" \
',' \
The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound. \
In town a noun might wear a gown, \
or further down, might dress a clown. \
A noun that\'s sound would never clown, \
but unsound nouns jump up and down. \
The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing, \
and then, my dear, you\'d be put in the pound. \
But please don\'t let that get you down, \
the renown of your gown is the talk of the town. \
		-- A. Nonnie Mouse \
',' \
The street preacher looked so baffled \
When I asked him why he dressed \
With forty pounds of headlines  \
Stapled to his chest. \
But he cursed me when I proved to him \
I said, "Not even you can hide. \
You see, you\'re just like me. \
I hope you\'re satisfied." \
		-- Bob Dylan \
',' \
The sun was shining on the sea, \
Shining with all his might: \
He did his very best to make \
The billows smooth and bright -- \
And this was very odd, because it was \
The middle of the night. \
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" \
',' \
The Thought Police are here.  They\'ve come \
To put you under cardiac arrest. \
And as they drag you through the door \
They tell you that you\'ve failed the test. \
		-- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age" \
',' \
The thrill is here, but it won\'t last long \
You\'d better have your fun before it moves along... \
',' \
The trouble with a kitten is that \
When it grows up, it\'s always a cat \
		-- Ogden Nash. \
',' \
The trouble with you \
Is the trouble with me. \
Got two good eyes \
But we still don\'t see. \
		-- Robert Hunter, "Workingman\'s Dead" \
',' \
The truth you speak has no past and no future. \
It is, and that\'s all it needs to be. \
',' \
The turtle lives \'twixt plated decks \
Which practically conceal its sex. \
I think it clever of the turtle \
In such a fix to be so fertile. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. \
My thoughts aren\'t too clear, but don\'t run away. \
My girlfriend\'s a bore; my job is too dutiful. \
Hell nobody\'s perfect, would you like to play? \
I feel together today! \
		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph" \
',' \
The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, \
	Like Jaspar wine and sugar, \
It must have blown through someone\'s feet, \
	Like those of Caspar Weinberger. \
		-- P. Opus \
',' \
The wombat lives across the seas, \
Among the far Antipodes. \
He may exist on nuts and berries, \
Or then again, on missionaries; \
His distant habitat precludes \
Conclusive knowledge of his moods. \
But I would not engage the wombat \
In any form of mortal combat. \
		-- "The Wombat" \
',' \
The Worst American Poet \
	Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that \
Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years. \
	Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire \
of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her pen. \
	Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the \
formula was the same: \
		Have you heard of the dreadful fate \
		Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife? \
		Of their death I will relate, \
		And also others lost their life \
		(in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster, \
		Where so many people died. \
	Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia\'s poems, \
the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a \
river or struck by lightning.  A critic of the day said she was "worse than \
a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded. \
	Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even \
suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate".  Her reply was \
forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went \
beyond reason."  She added that "literary work is very difficult to do". \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
		The Worst Lines of Verse \
For a start, we can rule out James Grainger\'s promising line: \
	"Come, muse, let us sing of rats." \
Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted \
these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous \
laughter the instant they were read out. \
	No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was \
inspired by the subject of war. \
	"Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away, \
	And the grey roof reddened and rang; \
	Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay \
	The tip of my ear.  Flash! bang!" \
By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79): \
	"... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..." \
While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables: \
	"The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed, \
	The crippled pea alone that cannot stand." \
George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote: \
	"And I was ask\'d and authorized to go \
	To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co." \
William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse: \
	"So \'tis with Christians, Nature being weak \
	While in this world, are liable to leak." \
And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when \
describing a pond: \
	"I\'ve measured it from side to side; \
	Tis three feet long and two feet wide." \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
The young lady had an unusual list, \
Linked in part to a structural weakness. \
She set no preconditions. \
',' \
The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? \
And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? \
There\'s lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? \
So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot, \
Eh? \
So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh? \
And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh? \
They may be cold, but that\'s okay!  Beer\'s better that way! \
Eh? \
		-- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh? \
Beauty! \
',' \
Then here\'s to the City of Boston, \
The town of the cries and the groans. \
Where the Cabots can\'t see the Kabotschniks, \
And the Lowells won\'t speak to the Cohns. \
		-- Franklin Pierce Adams \
',' \
There are bad times just around the corner, \
There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky \
	And it\'s no good whining  \
	About a silver lining \
For we know from experience that they won\'t roll by... \
		-- Noel Coward \
',' \
There are places I\'ll remember \
All my life though some have changed. \
Some forever not for better  \
Some have gone and some remain. \
All these places had their moments \
With lovers and friends I still recall. \
Some are dead and some are living, \
In my life I\'ve loved them all. \
 \
But of all these friends and lovers, \
There is no one compared with you, \
All these memories lose their meaning \
When I think of love as something new. \
Though I know I\'ll never lose affection \
For people and things that went before, \
I know I\'ll often stop and think about them \
In my life I\'ll love you more. \
		-- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965 \
',' \
There are strange things done in the midnight sun \
	By the men who moil for gold; \
The Arctic trails have their secret tales \
	That would make your blood run cold; \
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, \
	But the queerest they ever did see \
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge \
	I cremated Sam McGee. \
		-- Robert W. Service \
',' \
There is in certain living souls \
A quality of loneliness unspeakable, \
So great it must be shared \
As company is shared by lesser beings. \
Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this \
That in immensity \
There is one lonelier than you. \
',' \
There is no point in waiting. \
The train stopped running years ago. \
All the schedules, the brochures, \
The bright-colored posters full of lies, \
Promise rides to a distant country \
That no longer exists. \
',' \
There is something in the pang of change \
More than the heart can bear, \
Unhappiness remembering happiness. \
		-- Euripides \
',' \
There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass \
And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island. \
Where seagulls flew over their nest. \
She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders. \
And caused her to tickle and itch. \
The sailor cried out "There\'s a beautiful... mermaid. \
A sittin\' out there on the rocks." \
The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses. \
And crowded four deep to the rail. \
All eager to share in this fine piece of... news. \
... \
"Throw out a line and we\'ll lasso her... flippers. \
And soon we will certainly find \
If mermaids are better before or be... brave \
My dear fellows," The captain cried out. \
And cursing with spleen. \
This song may be dull, but it\'s certainly clean. \
		-- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt \
',' \
There was a little girl \
Who had a little curl \
Right in the middle of her forehead. \
When she was good, she was very, very good \
And when she was bad, she was very, very popular. \
		-- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book" \
',' \
There\'s a lesson that I need to remember \
When everything is falling apart \
In life, just like in loving \
There\'s such a thing as trying to hard \
 \
You\'ve gotta sing \
Like you don\'t need the money \
Love like you\'ll never get hurt \
You\'ve gotta dance \
Like nobody\'s watching \
It\'s gotta come from the heart \
If you want it to work. \
		-- Kathy Mattea \
',' \
There\'s a thrill in store for all for we\'re about to toast \
The corporation that we represent. \
We\'re here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast, \
Of that man of men our sterling president \
The name of T.J. Watson means \
A courage none can stem \
And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM. \
		-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook \
',' \
There\'s amnesia in a hangknot, \
And comfort in the ax, \
But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax. \
	There\'s surcease in a gunshot, \
	And sleep that comes from racks, \
	But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax. \
You find rest on the hot squat, \
Or gas can give you pax, \
But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks. \
	There\'s refuge in the church lot \
	When you tire of facing facts, \
	And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks. \
Chorus:	With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels, \
	Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals -- \
	But the pleasantest place to find your end \
	Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend. \
		-- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road" \
',' \
There\'s little in taking or giving, \
	There\'s little in water or wine: \
This living, this living, this living, \
	Was never a project of mine. \
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is \
	The gain of the one at the top, \
For art is a form of catharsis, \
	And love is a permanent flop, \
And work is the province of cattle, \
	And rest\'s for a clam in a shell, \
So I\'m thinking of throwing the battle -- \
	Would you kindly direct me to hell? \
		-- Dorothy Parker \
',' \
They told me you had proven it		When they discovered our results \
	About a month before.			Their hair began to curl \
The proof was valid, more or less	Instead of understanding it \
	But rather less than more.		We\'d run the thing through PRL. \
 \
He sent them word that we would try	Don\'t tell a soul about all this \
	To pass where they had failed		For it must ever be \
And after we were done, to them		A secret, kept from all the rest \
	The new proof would be mailed.		Between yourself and me. \
 \
My notion was to start again \
	Ignoring all they\'d done \
We quickly turned it into code \
	To see if it would run. \
',' \
They went rushing down that freeway, \
Messed around and got lost. \
They didn\'t care... they were just dying to get off, \
And it was life in the fast lane. \
		-- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane" \
',' \
They wouldn\'t listen to the fact that I was a genius, \
The man said "We got all that we can use", \
So I\'ve got those steadily-depressin\', low-down, mind-messin\', \
Working-at-the-car-wash blues. \
		-- Jim Croce \
',' \
Thinks\'t thou existence doth depend on time? \
It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine \
Have made my days and nights imperishable, \
Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore, \
Innumerable atoms; and one desert, \
Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break, \
But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks, \
Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness. \
',' \
"Thirty days hath Septober, \
April, June, and no wonder. \
all the rest have peanut butter \
except my father who wears red suspenders." \
',' \
Thirty white horses on a red hill, \
First they champ, \
Then they stamp, \
Then they stand still. \
		-- Tolkien \
',' \
This ae nighte, this ae nighte, \
Everye nighte and alle, \
Fire and sleet and candlelyte, \
And Christe receive thy saule. \
		-- The Lykewake Dirge \
',' \
This here\'s the wattle, \
The emblem of our land. \
You can stick it in a bottle; \
You can hold it in your hand. \
Amen! \
		-- Monty Python \
',' \
This is for all ill-treated fellows \
	Unborn and unbegot, \
For them to read when they\'re in trouble \
	And I am not. \
		-- A. E. Housman \
',' \
This is the story of the bee \
Whose sex is very hard to see \
 \
You cannot tell the he from the she \
But she can tell, and so can he \
 \
The little bee is never still \
She has no time to take the pill \
 \
And that is why, in times like these \
There are so many sons of bees. \
',' \
This is the way the world ends, \
This is the way the world ends, \
This is the way the world ends, \
Not with a bang but with a whimper. \
		-- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" \
',' \
This land is my land, and only my land, \
I\'ve got a shotgun, and you ain\'t got one, \
If you don\'t get off, I\'ll blow your head off, \
This land is private property. \
		-- Apologies to Woody Guthrie \
',' \
This thing all things devours: \
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; \
Gnaws iron, bites steel; \
Grinds hard stones to meal; \
Slays king, ruins town, \
And beats high mountain down. \
',' \
Those who sweat in flames of hell,	Leaden eared, some thought their bowels \
Here\'s the reason that they fell:	Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. \
While on earth they prayed in SAS,	These they offered up in praise \
PL/1, or other crass,			Thinking all this fetid haze \
Vulgar tongue.				A rapsody sung. \
 \
Some the lord did sorely try		Jabber of the mindless horde \
Assembling all their pleas in hex.	Sequel next did mock the lord \
Speech as crabbed as devil\'s crable	Slothful sequel so enfangled \
Hex that marked on Tower Babel		Its speaker\'s lips became entangled \
The highest rung.			In his bung. \
 \
Because in life they prayed so ill \
And offered god such swinish swill \
Now they sweat in flames of hell \
Sweat from lack of APL \
Sweat dung! \
',' \
Though I respect that a lot \
I\'d be fired if that were my job \
After killing Jason off and \
Countless screaming argonauts \
 \
Bluebird of friendliness \
Like guardian angels it\'s \
Always near \
 \
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch \
Who watches over you \
Make a little birdhouse in your soul \
Not to put too fine a point on it \
Say I\'m the only bee in your bonnet \
Make a little birdhouse in your soul \
		-- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants \
',' \
Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, \
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, \
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, \
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne \
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. \
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, \
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them \
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. \
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" \
',' \
Throw away documentation and manuals, \
and users will be a hundred times happier. \
Throw away privileges and quotas, \
and users will do the Right Thing. \
Throw away proprietary and site licenses, \
and there won\'t be any pirating. \
 \
If these three aren\'t enough, \
just stay at your home directory  \
and let all processes take their course. \
',' \
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day \
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way \
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown \
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way \
 \
Tired of lying in the sunshine		And then one day you find \
Staying home to watch the rain		Ten years have got behind you \
You are young and life is long		No one told you when to run \
And there is time to kill today		You missed the starting gun \
 \
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it\'s sinking \
And racing around to come up behind you again \
The sun is the same in a relative way but you\'re older \
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death \
 \
Every year is getting shorter		Hanging on in quiet desperation \
						is the English way \
Never seem to find the time		The time is gone, the song is over \
Plans that either come to nought	Thought I\'d something more to say... \
Or half a page of scribbled lines \
		-- Pink Floyd, "Time" \
',' \
Tiger got to hunt, \
Bird got to fly; \
Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?" \
 \
Tiger got to sleep, \
Bird got to land; \
Man got to tell himself he understand. \
		-- The Books of Bokonon \
',' \
Tim and I a hunting went \
We found three damsels in a tent, \
As they were three, and we were two, \
I bucked one and Timbuktu. \
		-- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu" \
',' \
Time goes, you say? \
Ah no! \
Time stays, *we* go. \
		-- Austin Dobson \
',' \
Time washes clean \
Love\'s wounds unseen. \
That\'s what someone told me; \
But I don\'t know what it means. \
		-- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time" \
',' \
\'Tis the dream of each programmer, \
Before his life is done, \
To write three lines of APL, \
And make the damn things run. \
',' \
	To A Quick Young Fox \
Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, \
Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr\'s gawky vice? \
Guy fed by work, quiz Jove\'s xanthic lamp-- \
Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. \
		-- Lazy Dog \
',' \
to be nobody but yourself in a world  \
which is doing its best night and day \
to make you like everybody else \
means to fight the hardest battle \
any human being can fight and \
never stop fighting.                    \
		-- e.e. cummings \
',' \
To code the impossible code,		This is my quest -- \
To bring up a virgin machine,		To debug that code, \
To pop out of endless recursion,	No matter how hopeless, \
To grok what appears on the screen,	No matter the load, \
					To write those routines \
To right the unrightable bug,		Without question or pause, \
To endlessly twiddle and thrash,	To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV \
To mount the unmountable magtape,	For a heavenly cause. \
To stop the unstoppable crash!		And I know if I\'ll only be true \
					To this glorious quest, \
And the queue will be better for this,	That my code will run CUSPy and calm, \
That one man, scorned and		When it\'s put to the test. \
	destined to lose, \
Still strove with his last allocation \
To scrap the unscrappable kludge! \
		-- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha \
',' \
To err is human, \
To purr feline. \
		-- Robert Byrne \
',' \
To err is human, to purr feline. \
To err is human, two curs canine. \
To err is human, to moo bovine. \
',' \
To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven: \
A time to be born, and a time to die; \
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; \
A time to kill, and a time to heal; \
A time to break down, and a time to build up; \
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; \
A time to mourn, and a time to dance; \
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; \
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; \
A time to gain, and a time to lose; \
A time to keep, and a time to throw away; \
A time to tear, and a time to sew; \
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; \
A time to love, and a time to hate; \
A time of war, and a time of peace. \
		Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 \
',' \
To stand and be still, \
At the Birkenhead drill, \
Is a damned tough bullet to chew. \
		-- Rudyard Kipling \
',' \
To whom the mornings are like nights, \
What must the midnights be! \
		-- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?) \
',' \
To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly \
strip down your words to naked, willing flesh. \
Then bind them to a metaphor or three, \
and take by force a satisfying mesh. \
Arrange them to your will, each foot in place. \
You are the master here, and they the slaves. \
Now whip them to maintain a constant pace \
and rhythm as they stand in even staves. \
A word that strikes no pleasure?  Cast it out! \
What use are words that drive not to the heart? \
A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt, \
and choose more docile words to take its part. \
A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, \
by making love directly to the brain. \
',' \
Tobacco is a filthy weed, \
That from the devil does proceed; \
It drains your purse, it burns your clothes, \
And makes a chimney of your nose. \
		-- B. Waterhouse \
',' \
Too cool to calypso, \
Too tough to tango, \
Too weird to watusi \
		-- The Only Ones \
',' \
Troll sat alone on his seat of stone, \
And munched and mumbled a bare old bone; \
For many a year he had gnawed it near, \
For meat was hard to come by. \
	Done by!  Gum by! \
In a cave in the hills he dwelt alone, \
And meat was hard to come by. \
 \
Up came Tom with his big boots on. \
Said he to Troll: "Pray, what is youn? \
For it looks like the shin o\' my nuncle Tim, \
As should be a-lyin in graveyard. \
	Caveyard!  Paveyard! \
This many a year has Tim been gone, \
And I thought he were lyin\' in graveyard." \
 \
"My lad," said Troll, "this bone I stole. \
But what be bones that lie in a hole? \
Thy nuncle was dead as a lump o\' lead, \
Afore I found his shinbone. \
	Tinbone!  Thinbone! \
He can spare a share for a poor old troll \
For he don\'t need his shinbone." \
 \
Said Tom: "I don\'t see why the likes o\' thee \
Without axin\' leave should go makin\' free \
With the shank or the shin o\' my father\'s kin; \
So hand the old bone over! \
	Rover!  Trover! \
Though dead he be, it belongs to he; \
So hand the old bnone over!" \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Try not. \
Do. \
Or do not. \
There is no try. \
',' \
"Twas bergen and the eirie road \
Did mahwah into patterson:		"Beware the Hopatcong, my son! \
All jersey were the ocean groves,	The teeth that bite, the nails \
And the red bank bayonne.			that claw! \
					Beware the bound brook bird, and shun \
He took his belmar blade in hand:	The kearney communipaw." \
Long time the folsom foe he sought \
Till rested he by a bayway tree		And, as in nutley thought he stood, \
And stood a while in thought.		The Hopatcong with eyes of flame, \
					Came whippany through the englewood, \
One, two, one, two, and through		And garfield as it came. \
	and through \
The belmar blade went hackensack!	"And hast thou slain the Hopatcong? \
He left it dead and with it\'s head	Come to my arms, my perth amboy! \
He went weehawken back.			Hohokus day!  Soho!  Rahway!" \
					He caldwell in his joy. \
Did mahwah into patterson: \
All jersey were the ocean groves, \
And the red bank bayonne. \
		-- Paul Kieffer \
',' \
\'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves \
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.	"Beware the Jabberwock, my son! \
All mimsy were the borogroves		The jaws that bite, the claws \
And the mome raths outgrabe.			that catch! \
					Beware the Jubjub bird, \
He took his vorpal sword in hand	And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" \
Long time the manxome foe he sought. \
So rested he by the tumtum tree		And as in uffish thought he stood \
And stood awhile in thought.		The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame \
					Came whuffling through the tulgey wood \
One! Two! One! Two!  And through and	And burbled as it came! \
	through \
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.	"Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? \
He left it dead, and took its head,	Come to my arms, my beamish boy! \
And went galumphing back.		Oh frabjous day!  Calooh!  Callay!" \
					He chortled in his joy. \
\'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves \
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. \
All mimsy were the borogroves \
And the mome raths outgrabe. \
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky" \
',' \
\'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers \
Did buy and gamble in the craze		"Beware the Jabberstock, my son! \
All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers	The cost that bites, the worth \
By market\'s wrath unphased.			that falls! \
					Beware the Econ\'mist\'s word, and shun \
He took his forecast sword in hand:	The spurious Street o\' Walls!" \
Long time the Boesk\'some foe he sought - \
Sake\'s liquidity, so d\'vested he,	And as in bearish thought he stood \
And stood awhile in thought.		The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, \
					Came waffling with the truth too good, \
Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through	And yuppied great with greed! \
	and through \
The forecast blade went snicker-snack!	"And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? \
It bit the dirt, and with its shirt,	Come to my firm,  V.P.ish  boy! \
He went rebounding back.		O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" \
					He bought him a Mercedes Toy. \
\'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers \
Did gyre and tumble in the Crash \
All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers \
And mammon\'s wrath them bash! \
		-- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" \
',' \
Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes \
	Did logzerneg the ifthen block \
All kludgy were the function flows \
	And subroutines adhoc. \
 \
Beware the runtime-bug my friend \
	squrooneg, the false goto \
Beware the infiniteloop \
	And shun the inprectoo. \
		-- "OUTCONERR," to the scheme of "Jabberwocky" \
',' \
\'Twas midnight on the ocean,		Her children all were orphans, \
Not a streetcar was in sight,		Except one a tiny tot, \
So I stepped into a cigar store		Who had a home across the way \
To ask them for a light.		Above a vacant lot. \
 \
The man	behind the counter		As I gazed through the oaken door \
Was a woman, old and gray,		A whale went drifting by, \
Who used to peddle doughnuts		Its six legs hanging in the air, \
On the road to Mandalay.		So I kissed her goodbye. \
 \
She said "Good morning, stranger",	This story has a morale \
Her eyes were dry with tears,		As you can plainly see, \
As she put her head between her feet	Don\'t mix your gin with whiskey \
And stood that way for years.		On the deep and dark blue sea. \
		-- Midnight On The Ocean \
',' \
\'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks \
Did gyre and gimble in their cave \
All mimsy was the CS-VAX \
And Cory raths outgrabe. \
 \
"Beware the software rot, my son! \
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! \
Beware the broken pipe, and shun \
The frumious system crash!" \
',' \
\'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, \
	Not a program was working not even a browse. \
The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, \
	Knowing chances of cutover hadn\'t a prayer. \
The users were nestled all snug in their beds, \
	While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. \
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, \
	I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. \
And what to my wondering eyes should appear, \
	But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. \
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, \
	And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; \
On Update!  On Add!  On Inquiry!  On Delete! \
	On Batch Jobs!  On Closing!  On Functions Complete! \
His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, \
	From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. \
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, \
	Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... \
		-- "Twas the Night before Crisis" \
',' \
\'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period \
   preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And \
   throughout our place of residence, \
Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the \
   possessors of this potential, including that \
   species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. \
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward \
   edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, \
Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an \
   imminent visitation from an eccentric \
   philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations \
   is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... \
',' \
Twenty two thousand days. \
Twenty two thousand days. \
It\'s not a lot. \
It\'s all you\'ve got. \
Twenty two thousand days. \
		-- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days" \
',' \
	Two men looked out from the prison bars, \
	One saw mud-- \
	The other saw stars. \
 \
Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window. \
While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit \
in the head. \
',' \
Tyger, Tyger, burning bright		Where the hammer?  Where the chain? \
In the forests of the night,		In what furnace was thy brain? \
What immortal hand or eye		What the anvil?  What dread grasp \
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?	Dare its deadly terrors clasp? \
 \
Burnt in distant deeps or skies		When the stars threw down their spears \
The cruel fire of thine eyes?		And water\'d heaven with their tears \
On what wings dare he aspire?		Dare he laugh his work to see? \
What the hand dare seize the fire?	Dare he who made the lamb make thee? \
 \
And what shoulder & what art		Tyger, Tyger, burning bright \
Could twist the sinews of they heart?	In the forests of the night, \
And when thy heart began to beat	What immortal hand or eye \
What dread hand & what dread feet	Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? \
 \
Could fetch it from the furnace deep \
And in thy horrid ribs dare steep \
In the well of sanguine woe? \
In what clay & in what mould \
Were thy eyes of fury roll\'d? \
		-- William Blake, "The Tyger" \
',' \
U:	There\'s a U -- a Unicorn! \
	Run right up and rub its horn. \
	Look at all those points you\'re losing! \
	UMBER HULKS are so confusing. \
		-- The Roguelet\'s ABC \
',' \
Under the wide and heavy VAX \
Dig my grave and let me relax \
Long have I lived, and many my hacks \
And I lay me down with a will. \
These be the words that tell the way: \
"Here he lies who piped 64K, \
Brought down the machine for nearly a day, \
And Rogue playing to an awful standstill." \
',' \
Under the wide and starry sky, \
Dig my grave and let me lie, \
Glad did I live and gladly die, \
And laid me down with a will, \
And this be the verse that you grave for me, \
Here he lies where he longed to be, \
Home is the sailor home from the sea, \
And the hunter home from the hill. \
		-- R. Kipling \
',' \
Up against the net, redneck mother, \
Mother who has raised your son so well; \
He\'s seventeen and hackin\' on a Macintosh, \
Flaming spelling errors and raisin\' hell... \
',' \
Upon the hearth the fire is red, \
Beneath the roof there is a bed; \
But not yet weary are our feet, \
Still round the corner we may meet \
A sudden tree or standing stone \
That none have seen but we alone.	Still round the corner there may wait \
  Tree and flower and leaf and grass,	A new road or a secret gate, \
  Let them pass!  Let them pass!	And though we pass them by today \
  Hill and water under sky,		Tomorrow we may come this way \
  Pass them by!  Pass them by!		And take the hidden paths that run \
					Towards the Moon or to the Sun, \
Home is behind, the world ahead,	  Apple, thorn, and nut and sloe, \
And there are many paths to tread	  Let them go!  Let them go! \
Through shadows to the edge of night,	  Sand and stone and pool and dell, \
Until the stars are all alight.		  Fare you well!  Fare you well! \
Then world behind and home ahead, \
We\'ll wander back to home and bed. \
  Mist and twilight, cloud and shade, \
  Away shall fade!  Away shall fade! \
  Fire and lamp, and meat and bread, \
  And then to bed!  And then to bed! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Voicless it cries, \
Wingless flutters, \
Toothless bites, \
Mouthless mutters. \
',' \
Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim \
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, \
And to him who\'s scientific \
There is nothing that\'s terrific \
In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts! \
		-- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" \
',' \
Wad some power the giftie gie us \
To see oursels as others see us. \
		-- R. Browning \
',' \
Wake now my merry lads!  Wake and hear me calling! \
Warm now be heart and limb!  The cold stone is fallen; \
Dark door is standing wide; dead hand is broken. \
Night under Night is flown, and the Gate is open! \
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien \
',' \
Wake up all you citizens, hear your country\'s call, \
Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. \
Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, \
Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again. \
 \
Work hard for a common cause, don\'t let our country fall. \
Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all. \
Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled. \
Make our country well again, respected by the world. \
 \
Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun. \
Stand tall and labor side by side, because there\'s so much to be done. \
Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free, \
Wake up, all you citizens, It\'s up to you and me. \
		-- Pansy Myers Schroeder \
',' \
Wanna tell you all a story \'bout a man named Jed, \
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. \
But then one day he was shootin\' at some food, \
When up through the ground come a bubblin\' crude -- oil, that is; \
	black gold; \'Texas tea\' ... \
 \
Well the next thing ya know, old Jed\'s a millionaire. \
The kinfolk said, \'Jed, move away from there!\' \
They said, \'Californy is the place ya oughta be\', \
So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is; \
	swimmin\' pools; movie stars. \
',' \
Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles \
In children\'s circuses could stay their troubles? \
There was a time they could cry over books, \
But time has set its maggot on their track. \
Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe. \
What\'s never known is safest in this life. \
Under the skysigns they who have no arms \
Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost \
Alone\'s unhurt, so the blind man sees best. \
		-- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time" \
',' \
Watching girls go passing by \
It ain\'t the latest thing \
I\'m just standing in a doorway \
I\'m just trying to make some sense \
Out of these girls passing by		A smile relieves the heart that grieves \
The tales they tell of men		Remember what I said \
I\'m not waiting on a lady		I\'m not waiting on a lady \
I\'m just waiting on a friend		I\'m just waiting on a friend \
... \
Don\'t need a whore \
Don\'t need no booze \
Don\'t need a virgin priest		Ooh, making love and breaking hearts \
But I need someone I can cry to		It is a game for youth \
I need someone to protect		But I\'m not waiting on a lady \
					I\'m just waiting on a friend \
					I\'m just waiting on a friend \
		-- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend" \
',' \
We don\'t need no education, we don\'t need no thought control. \
		-- Pink Floyd \
',' \
We don\'t need no indirection		We don\'t need no compilation \
We don\'t need no flow control		We don\'t need no load control \
No data typing or declarations		No link edit for external bindings \
Hey! did you leave the lists alone?	Hey! did you leave that source alone? \
Chorus:					(Chorus) \
	Oh No. It\'s just a pure LISP function call. \
 \
We don\'t need no side-effecting		We don\'t need no allocation \
We don\'t need no flow control		We don\'t need no special-nodes \
No global variables for execution	No dark bit-flipping for debugging \
Hey! did you leave the args alone?	Hey! did you leave those bits alone? \
(Chorus)				(Chorus) \
		-- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd \
',' \
We gotta get out of this place, \
If it\'s the last thing we ever do. \
		-- The Animals \
',' \
we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, \
we will cry over things we used to laugh & \
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle \
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & \
in the end a summer with wild winds & \
new friends will be. \
',' \
We wish you a Hare Krishna \
We wish you a Hare Krishna \
We wish you a Hare Krishna \
And a Sun Myung Moon! \
		-- Maxwell Smart \
',' \
We\'re happy little Vegemites, \
	As bright as bright can be. \
We all all enjoy our Vegemite \
	For breakfast, lunch and tea. \
',' \
We\'re Knights of the Round Table \
We dance whene\'er we\'re able \
We do routines and chorus scenes	We\'re knights of the Round Table \
With footwork impeccable		Our shows are formidable \
We dine well here in Camelot		But many times \
We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot.	We\'re given rhymes \
					That are quite unsingable \
In war we\'re tough and able,		We\'re opera mad in Camelot \
Quite indefatigable			We sing from the diaphragm a lot. \
Between our quests \
We sequin vests \
And impersonate Clark Gable \
It\'s a busy life in Camelot. \
I have to push the pram a lot. \
		-- Monty Python \
',' \
We\'ve tried each spinning space mote \
And reckoned its true worth: \
Take us back again to the homes of men \
On the cool, green hills of Earth. \
 \
The arching sky is calling \
Spacemen back to their trade. \
All hands!  Standby!  Free falling! \
And the lights below us fade. \
Out ride the sons of Terra, \
Far drives the thundering jet, \
Up leaps the race of Earthmen, \
Out, far, and onward yet-- \
 \
We pray for one last landing \
On the globe that gave us birth; \
Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies \
And the cool, green hills of Earth. \
		-- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941 \
',' \
Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends! \
We\'re so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside! \
There behind the glass there\'s a real blade of grass, \
Be careful as you pass, move along, move along. \
Come inside, the show\'s about to start, \
Guaranteed to blow your head apart. \
Rest assured, you\'ll get your money\'s worth, \
Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth! \
You gotta see the show!  It\'s a dynamo! \
You gotta see the show!  It\'s rock \'n\' roll! \
		-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) \
',' \
Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five, \
The headline screamed that I was still alive, \
I couldn\'t understand it, I thought I died last night. \
I dreamed I\'d been in a border town, \
In a little cantina that the boys had found, \
I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds. \
When along came a senorita, \
She looked so good that I had to meet her, \
I was ready to approach her with my English charm, \
When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm, \
And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo, \
Grow some funk of your own. \
We no like to with the gringo fight, \
But there might be a death in Mexico tonite. \
... \
Take my advice, take the next flight, \
And grow some funk, grow your funk at home. \
		-- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" \
',' \
Well, fancy giving money to the Government! \
Might as well have put it down the drain. \
Fancy giving money to the Government! \
Nobody will see the stuff again. \
Well, they\'ve no idea what money\'s for -- \
Ten to one they\'ll start another war. \
I\'ve heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor\'! \
Fancy giving money to the Government! \
		-- A.P. Herbert \
',' \
Well, I don\'t know where they come from but they sure do come, \
I hope they comin\' for me! \
And I don\'t know how they do it but they sure do it good, \
I hope they doin\' it for free! \
They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever! \
First time that I got it I was just ten years old, \
Got it from the kitty next door... \
I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure, \
I think I got it some more! \
Got a bad scratch fever... \
		-- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever" \
',' \
Well, my daddy left home when I was three, \
And he didn\'t leave much for Ma and me, \
Just and old guitar an\'a empty bottle of booze. \
Now I don\'t blame him \'cause he ran and hid, \
But the meanest thing that he ever did, \
Was before he left he went and named me Sue. \
... \
But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars, \
I\'d search the honkey tonks and the bars, \
And kill the man that give me that awful name. \
It was Gatlinburg in mid-July, \
I\'d just hit town and my throat was dry, \
Thought I\'d stop and have myself a brew, \
At an old saloon on a street of mud, \
Sitting at a table, dealing stud, \
Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue. \
... \
Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad, \
From a wornout picture that my Mother had, \
And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye... \
		-- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" \
',' \
Well, my terminal\'s locked up, and I ain\'t got any Mail, \
	And I can\'t recall the last time that my program didn\'t fail; \
I\'ve got stacks in my structs, I\'ve got arrays in my queues, \
	I\'ve got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. \
 \
If you think that it\'s nice that you get what you C, \
	Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, \
\'Cause the Supreme Court ain\'t the only place with : Bus error views. \
	I\'ve got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. \
 \
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, \
	But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. \
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I\'d know who I abuse, \
	I\'ve got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. \
		-- Core Dumped Blues \
',' \
Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling, \
And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling, \
But I take delight in the juice of the barley, \
And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early. \
',' \
Well, we\'re big rock singers, we\'ve got golden fingers, \
And we\'re loved everywhere we go. \
We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth, \
At ten thousand dollars a show. \
We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills, \
But the thrill we\'ve never known, \
Is the thrill that\'ll get\'cha, when you get your picture, \
On the cover of the Rolling Stone. \
 \
I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie, \
Who embroiders on my jeans. \
I got my poor old gray-haired daddy, \
Drivin\' my limousine. \
Now it\'s all designed, to blow our minds, \
But our minds won\'t be really be blown; \
Like the blow that\'ll get\'cha, when you get your picture, \
On the cover of the Rolling Stone. \
 \
We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies, \
Who\'ll do anything we say. \
We got a genuine Indian guru, that\'s teachin\' us a better way. \
We got all the friends that money can buy, \
So we never have to be alone. \
And we keep gettin\' richer, but we can\'t get our picture, \
On the cover of the Rolling Stone. \
		-- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show \
		[As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.] \
',' \
What awful irony is this? \
We are as gods, but know it not. \
',' \
What did ya do with your burden and your cross? \
Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? \
You and I know that a burden and a cross, \
Can only be carried on one man\'s back. \
		-- Louden Wainwright III \
',' \
What happens to a dream deferred? \
Does it dry up \
Like a raisin in the sun? \
Or fester like a sore -- \
And then run? \
Does it stink like rotten meat? \
Or crust and sugar over -- \
Like a syrupy sweet? \
   \
Maybe it just sags \
Like a heavy load. \
   \
Or does it explode? \
		-- Langston Hughes \
',' \
What has roots as nobody sees, \
Is taller than trees, \
Up, up it goes, \
And yet never grows? \
',' \
What pains others pleasures me, \
At home am I in Lisp or C; \
There i couch in ecstasy, \
\'Til debugger\'s poke i flee, \
Into kernel memory. \
In system space, system space, there shall i fare-- \
Inside of a VAX on a silicon square. \
',' \
What segment\'s this, that, laid to rest \
On FHA0, is sleeping? \
What system file, lay here a while	This, this is "acct.run," \
While hackers around it were weeping?	Accounting file for everyone. \
					Dump, dump it and type it out, \
					The file, the highseg of login. \
Why lies it here, on public disk \
And why is it now unprotected? \
A bug in incant, made it thus.		Mount, mount all your DECtapes now \
And copy the file somehow, somehow.	The problem has not been corrected. \
					Dump, dump it and type it out, \
					The file, the highseg of login. \
		-- to Greensleeves \
',' \
What we Are is God\'s gift to us. \
What we Become is our gift to God. \
',' \
What with chromodynamics and electroweak too \
Our Standardized Model should please even you, \
Tho\' once you did say that of charm there was none \
It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun. \
Yet your state of the union penultimate large \
Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge, \
And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll \
Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole. \
Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back \
For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track, \
But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude \
Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed. \
Now fasten your sunbelts, for you\'ve done it once more, \
You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore, \
That you\'ve built an incredible crystalline sphere \
Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear \
Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta \
Which I\'ll bet is not there say your article, later. \
		-- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984 \
',' \
What\'s love but a second-hand emotion? \
		-- Tina Turner \
',' \
What, still alive at twenty-two, \
A clean upstanding chap like you? \
Sure, if your throat \'tis hard to slit, \
Slit your girl\'s, and swing for it. \
Like enough, you won\'t be glad, \
When they come to hang you, lad: \
But bacon\'s not the only thing \
That\'s cured by hanging from a string. \
So, when the spilt ink of the night \
Spreads o\'er the blotting pad of light, \
Lads whose job is still to do \
Shall whet their knives, and think of you. \
		-- Hugh Kingsmill \
',' \
When a lion meets another with a louder roar, \
the first lion thinks the last a bore. \
		-- G.B. Shaw \
',' \
When I think about myself, \
I almost laugh myself to death, \
My life has been one great big joke,	Sixty years in these folks\' world \
A dance that\'s walked			The child I works for calls me girl \
A song that\'s spoke,			I say "Yes ma\'am" for working\'s sake. \
I laugh so hard I almost choke		Too proud to bend \
When I think about myself.		Too poor to break, \
					I laugh until my stomach ache, \
					When I think about myself. \
My folks can make me split my side, \
I laughed so hard I nearly died, \
The tales they tell, sound just like lying, \
They grow the fruit,  \
But eat the rind, \
I laugh until I start to crying, \
When I think about my folks. \
		-- Maya Angelou \
',' \
When in panic, fear and doubt, \
Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. \
',' \
When in this world the headlines read \
Of those whose hearts are filled with greed \
Who rob and steal from those who need \
The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!) \
Underdog (UNDERDOG!) \
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder \
Fighting all who rob or plunder \
Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah) \
Underdog \
UNDERDOG! \
',' \
When in trouble or in doubt, \
run in circles, scream and shout. \
',' \
When license fees are too high, \
users do things by hand. \
When the management is too intrusive, \
users lose their spirit. \
 \
Hack for the user\'s benefit. \
Trust them; leave them alone. \
',' \
When love is gone, there\'s always justice. \
And when justice is gone, there\'s always force. \
And when force is gone, there\'s always Mom. \
Hi, Mom! \
		-- Laurie Anderson \
',' \
When my fist clenches crack it open, \
Before I use it and lose my cool. \
When I smile tell me some bad news, \
Before I laugh and act like a fool. \
 \
And if I swallow anything evil, \
Put you finger down my throat. \
And if I shiver please give me a blanket, \
Keep me warm let me wear your coat \
 \
No one knows what it\'s like to be the bad man, \
	to be the sad man. \
Behind blue eyes. \
No one knows what its like to be hated, \
	to be fated, \
To telling only lies. \
			-- The Who \
',' \
When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. \
The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points \
And Oxygen still had none \
Then Oxygen scored a single goal \
And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1 \
Called because of rain. \
',' \
When someone makes a move		We\'ll send them all we\'ve got, \
Of which we don\'t approve,		John Wayne and Randolph Scott, \
Who is it that always intervenes?	Remember those exciting fighting scenes? \
U.N. and O.A.S.,			To the shores of Tripoli, \
They have their place, I guess,		But not to Mississippoli, \
But first, send the Marines!		What do we do?  We send the Marines! \
 \
For might makes right,			Members of the corps \
And till they\'ve seen the light,	All hate the thought of war: \
They\'ve got to be protected,		They\'d rather kill them off by \
						peaceful means. \
All their rights respected,		Stop calling it aggression-- \
Till somebody we like can be elected.	We hate that expression! \
					We only want the world to know \
					That we support the status quo; \
					They love us everywhere we go, \
					So when in doubt, send the Marines! \
		-- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" \
',' \
When the Guru administers, the users  \
are hardly aware that he exists. \
Next best is a sysop who is loved. \
Next, one who is feared. \
And worst, one who is despised. \
 \
If you don\'t trust the users, \
you make them untrustworthy. \
 \
The Guru doesn\'t talk, he hacks. \
When his work is done, \
the users say, "Amazing: \
we implemented it, all by ourselves!" \
',' \
When the leaders speak of peace \
The common folk know \
That war is coming \
When the leaders curse war \
The mobilization order is already written out. \
 \
Every day, to earn my daily bread \
I go to the market where lies are bought \
Hopefully \
I take my place among the sellers. \
		-- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood" \
',' \
When users see one GUI as beautiful, \
other user interfaces become ugly. \
When users see some programs as winners, \
other programs become lossage. \
 \
Pointers and NULLs reference each other. \
High level and assembler depend on each other. \
Double and float cast to each other. \
High-endian and low-endian define each other. \
While and until follow each other. \
 \
Therefore the Guru  \
programs without doing anything \
and teaches without saying anything. \
Warnings arise and he lets them come; \
processes are swapped and he lets them go. \
He has but doesn\'t possess, \
acts but doesn\'t expect. \
When his work is done, he deletes it. \
That is why it lasts forever. \
',' \
When you and I are far apart \
Can sorrow break your tender heart? \
I love you darling, yes I do; \
Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you; \
All you are is a blossoming rose. \
Night is here so I must close. \
With care read the first word of each line. \
You will find a question of mine. \
		-- Yours hopefully, The VAX. \
',' \
When you find yourself in danger, \
When you\'re threatened by a stranger, \
When it looks like you will take a lickin\'... \
 \
There is one thing you should learn, \
When there is no one else to turn to, \
	Caaaall for Super Chicken!!    (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) \
	Caaaall for Super Chicken!! \
',' \
When you get what you want in your struggle for self \
And the world makes you king for a day, \
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself \
And see what that man has to say. \
	For it isn\'t your father or mother or wife \
	Whose judgement upon you must pass; \
	The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life \
	Is the one staring back from the glass. \
Some people may think you a straight-shootin\' chum \
And call you a wonderful guy, \
But the man in the glass says you\'re only a bum \
If you can\'t look him straight in the eye. \
	He\'s the fellow to please, never mind all the rest, \
	For he\'s with you clear up to the end, \
	And you\'ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test \
	If the man in the glass is your friend. \
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life \
And get pats on the back as you pass, \
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears \
If you\'ve cheated the man in the glass. \
',' \
When you meet a master swordsman, \
show him your sword. \
When you meet a man who is not a poet, \
do not show him your poem. \
		-- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master \
',' \
When you overesteem great hackers, \
more users become cretins. \
When you develop encryption, \
more users become crackers. \
 \
The Guru leads \
by emptying user\'s minds \
and increasing their quotas, \
by weakening their ambition \
and toughening their resolve. \
When users lack knowledge and desire, \
management will not try to interfere. \
 \
Practice not-looping, \
and everything will fall into place. \
',' \
When you\'re a Yup \
You\'re a Yup all the way \
From your first slice of Brie \
To your last Cabernet. \
 \
When you\'re a Yup \
You\'re not just a dreamer \
You\'re making things happen \
You\'re driving a Beamer. \
',' \
When you\'re away, I\'m restless, lonely, \
Wretched, bored, dejected; only \
Here\'s the rub, my darling dear \
I feel the same when you are near. \
		-- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You\'re Away" \
',' \
Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, \
	We people on the pavement looked at him: \
He was a gentleman from sole to crown, \
	Clean-favored, and imperially slim. \
And he was always quietly arrayed, \
	And he was always human when he talked; \
But still he fluttered pulses when he said, \
	"Good morning," and he glittered when he walked. \
And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king -- \
	And admirably schooled in every grace: \
In fine, we thought that he was everything \
	To make us wish that we were in his place. \
So on we worked, and waited for the light, \
	And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; \
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, \
	Went home and put a bullet through his head. \
		-- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" \
',' \
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE \
	Oh, dear, where can the matter be \
	When it\'s converted to energy? \
	There is a slight loss of parity. \
	Johnny\'s so long at the fair. \
',' \
Where\'s the man could ease a heart \
Like a satin gown? \
		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" \
',' \
Where, oh, where, are you tonight? \
Why did you leave me here all alone? \
I searched the world over, and I thought I\'d found true love. \
You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone. \
 \
Gloom, despair and agony on me. \
Deep dark depression, excessive misery. \
If it weren\'t for bad luck, I\'d have no luck at all. \
Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me. \
		-- Hee Haw \
',' \
Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest, \
Do not cease your single-handed struggle. \
Go on, do not rest. \
		-- An old Gujarati hymn \
',' \
Whether you can hear it or not, \
The Universe is laughing behind your back. \
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" \
',' \
While Europe\'s eye is fix\'d on mighty things, \
The fate of empires and the fall of kings; \
While quacks of State must each produce his plan, \
And even children lisp the Rights of Man; \
Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, \
The Rights of Woman merit some attention. \
		-- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 26/10 1792 \
',' \
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, \
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. \
		-- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven" \
 \
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when \
	 referring to hardware interrupts.] \
  \
And now I see with eye serene \
The very pulse of the machine. \
		-- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight" \
 \
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when \
	 referring to software interrupts.] \
',' \
While walking down a crowded \
City street the other day, \
I heard a little urchin \
To a comrade turn and say, \
"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse, \
I\'d be happy as a clam \
If only I was de feller dat \
Me mudder t\'inks I am. \
 \
"She t\'inks I am a wonder,		My friends, be yours a life of toil \
An\' she knows her little lad		Or undiluted joy, \
Could never mix wit\' nuttin\'		You can learn a wholesome lesson \
Dat was ugly, mean or bad.		From that small, untutored boy. \
Oh, lot o\' times I sit and t\'ink	Don\'t aim to be an earthly saint \
How nice, \'twould be, gee whiz!		With eyes fixed on a star: \
If a feller was de feller		Just try to be the fellow that \
Dat his mudder t\'inks he is."		Your mother thinks you are. \
		-- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow" \
',' \
Whip it, baby. \
Whip it right. \
Whip it, baby. \
Whip it all night! \
',' \
Who does not love wine, women, and song, \
Remains a fool his whole life long. \
		-- Johann Heinrich Voss \
',' \
Who loves not wisely but too well \
Will look on Helen\'s face in hell, \
But he whose love is thin and wise \
Will view John Knox in Paradise. \
		-- Dorothy Parker \
',' \
Who made the world I cannot tell; \
\'Tis made, and here am I in hell. \
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, \
I never soiled with such a deed. \
		-- A.E. Housman \
',' \
Who to himself is law no law doth need, \
offends no law, and is a king indeed. \
		-- George Chapman \
',' \
Why are you watching \
The washing machine? \
I love entertainment \
So long as it\'s clean. \
 \
Professor Doberman: \
	While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded  \
pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified  \
improvement.  Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic \
experience.  As much as one is compelled to admire the poem\'s technique, one  \
must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in  \
fact distract from the unity of the whole.  In the final analysis, one  \
receives the distinct impression that the poem\'s length could safely have  \
been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its \
meaning.  It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be  \
suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive  \
implications. \
',' \
With/Without - and who\'ll deny it\'s what the fighting\'s all about? \
		-- Pink Floyd \
',' \
Woke up this mornin\' an\' I had myself a beer, \
Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin\' an\' I had myself a beer \
The future\'s uncertain and the end is always near. \
		-- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues" \
',' \
Woke up this morning, don\'t believe what I saw. \
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore. \
Seems I\'m not alone in being alone. \
Hundred billion castaways looking for a call. \
		-- The Police, "Message in a Bottle" \
',' \
Yea from the table of my memory \
I\'ll wipe away all trivial fond records. \
		-- Hamlet \
',' \
Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me. \
And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy. \
Just different ways to kill the pain the same. \
But I\'d rather have a bottle in front of me, \
Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy. \
I might be drunk but at least I\'m not insane. \
		-- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock) \
',' \
Yesterday upon the stair \
I met a man who wasn\'t there. \
He wasn\'t there again today -- \
I think he\'s from the CIA. \
',' \
"You are old, Father William," the young man said, \
	"All your papers these days look the same; \
Those William\'s would be better unread -- \
	Do these facts never fill you with shame?" \
 \
"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, \
	"I wrote wonderful papers galore; \
But the great reputation I found that I\'d won, \
	Made it pointless to think any more." \
',' \
"You are old, father William," the young man said, \
	"And your hair has become very white; \
And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- \
	Do you think, at your age, it is right?" \
 \
"In my youth," father William replied to his son, \
	"I feared it might injure the brain; \
But, now that I\'m perfectly sure I have none, \
	Why, I do it again and again." \
 \
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, \
	And have grown most uncommonly fat; \
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- \
	Pray what is the reason of that?" \
 \
"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, \
	"I kept all my limbs very supple \
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- \
	Allow me to sell you a couple?" \
',' \
"You are old," said the youth, "and I\'m told by my peers \
	That your lectures bore people to death. \
Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- \
	Don\'t you think that you should save your breath?" \
 \
"I have answered three questions and that is enough," \
	Said his father, "Don\'t give yourself airs! \
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? \
	Be off, or I\'ll kick you downstairs!" \
',' \
"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak \
	For anything tougher than suet; \
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- \
	Pray, how did you manage to do it?" \
 \
"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, \
	And argued each case with my wife; \
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, \
	Has lasted the rest of my life." \
 \
"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose \
	That your eye was as steady as ever; \
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- \
	What made you so awfully clever?" \
 \
"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," \
	Said his father.  "Don\'t give yourself airs! \
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? \
	Be off, or I\'ll kick you down stairs!" \
',' \
"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don\'t run, \
	And there isn\'t one language you like; \
Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- \
	Have you thought about taking a hike?" \
 \
"Since I never write programs," his father replied, \
	"Every language looks equally bad; \
Yet the people keep paying to read all my books \
	And don\'t realize that they\'ve been had." \
',' \
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, \
	And make errors few people could bear; \
You complain about everyone\'s English but yours -- \
	Do you really think this is quite fair?" \
 \
"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, \
	"But my stature these days is so great \
That no critic can hurt me -- I\'ve got them all scared, \
	And to stop me it\'s now far too late." \
',' \
You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend, \
You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end. \
 \
(chorus)	Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day, \
		Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way. \
 \
You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park, \
You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark. \
(chorus) \
 \
You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt, \
You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can\'t. \
(chorus) \
',' \
You go down to the pickup station, \
	craving warmth and beauty; \
You settle for less than fascination -- \
	a few drinks later you\'re not so choosy. \
And the closing lights strip off the shadows \
	on this strange new flesh you\'ve found -- \
Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf \
	you hurry to the blackness \
	and the blankets to lay down an impression \
	and your loneliness. \
		-- Joni Mitchell \
',' \
You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues, \
And you know it don\'t come easy ... \
I don\'t ask for much, I only want trust, \
And you know it don\'t come easy ... \
',' \
You know my heart keeps tellin\' me, \
You\'re not a kid at thirty-three, \
You play around you lose your wife, \
You play too long, you lose your life. \
Some gotta win, some gotta lose, \
Goodtime Charlie\'s got the blues. \
',' \
You may be right, I may be crazy, \
But it just may be a lunatic you\'re looking for! \
		-- Billy Joel \
',' \
You will find me drinking gin \
In the lowest kind of inn, \
Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. \
		-- G.K. Chesterton \
',' \
You\'ll always be, \
What you always were, \
Which has nothing to do with, \
All to do, with her. \
		-- Company \
',' \
Your wise men don\'t know how it feels \
To be thick as a brick. \
		-- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick" \
',' \
Your worship is your furnaces \
which, like old idols, lost obscenes, \
have molten bowels; your vision is \
machines for making more machines. \
		-- Gordon Bottomley, 1874 \
',' \
Yours is not to reason why, \
Just to Sail Away. \
And when you find you have to throw \
Your Legacy away; \
Remember life as was it is, \
And is as it were; \
Chasing sounds across the galaxy \
\'Till silence is but a blur. \
		-- QYX. \
',' \
A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. \
Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. \
The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it \
had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice \
firm tuft of grass. \
		-- Donald A. Metz \
',' \
A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in \
the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the \
rough.  Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between \
the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be \
penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such \
uncontrollable physical phenomena. \
		-- Donald A. Metz \
',' \
	A boy scout troop went on a hike.  Crossing over a stream, one of \
the boys dropped his wallet into the water.  Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed \
the wallet and tossed it to another carp.  Then that carp passed it to \
another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back \
and forth. \
	"Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you\'ve just seen a rare case \
of carp-to-carp walleting." \
',' \
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the \
beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.  Immediately, \
one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods \
like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game \
Warden.  After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with \
his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the \
Game Warden finally caught up to him. \
	"Let\'s see yer fishin\' license, boy," the Warden gasped.  The \
man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing \
license. \
	"Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb \
as a box of rocks!  You didn\'t have to run if you have a license!" \
	"Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back \
there, he don\'t have one!" \
',' \
A gambler\'s biggest thrill is winning a bet. \
His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. \
',' \
A new \'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon \
discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled.  At about 5,000 feet, \
still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the \
same speed as he was going towards the ground.  As they passed each other at \
3,000 feet, the \'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" \
	The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO!  DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING \
ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" \
',' \
A nickel ain\'t worth a dime anymore. \
		-- Yogi Berra \
',' \
A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as \
"you could blow it in" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if \
the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants \
to make a travesty of the game. \
		-- Donald A. Metz \
',' \
	A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter \
carrying a shotgun and a dead loon.  "What in the world do you think you\'re \
doing?  Don\'t you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?" \
	Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, \
which contained twelve more loons. \
	"Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. \
	"Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." \
	"What\'s so special about a loon?  What does it taste like?" \
	"Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." \
',' \
		Accidentally Shot \
 \
	Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, \
in a singular manner.  A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to \
bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the \
Colonel\'s hat.  One shot took effect in his forehead. \
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 \
',' \
"Ain\'t that something what happened today.  One of us got traded to \
Kansas City." \
		-- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he\'d \
		   been traded. \
',' \
All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely \
than others. \
		-- Alan Truscott \
',' \
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, \
today it\'s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. \
		-- Dave Barry \
',' \
Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley\'s Lover has just been \
reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the \
day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable \
interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on \
pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, \
and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. \
Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous \
material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the \
management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer\'s opinion \
the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller\'s "Practical Gamekeeping." \
		-- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) \
',' \
Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn\'t waste any time getting the Koenig \
[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off \
Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians.  These people love fast \
cars.  But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. \
Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you\'re bearing down on \
them at 130-plus -- to see if you\'re paying attention. \
		-- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast \
		   cars across Europe. \
',' \
[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching. \
		-- Tris Speaker, 1921 \
',' \
Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. \
		-- Yogi Berra in his rookie season. \
',' \
Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates, \
is my choice for team captain.  Cincinnatti was beating us 3-1, and I led \
off the bottom of the eighth with a walk.  The next hitter banged a hard \
single to right field.  Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and \
kept going, sliding safely into third base. \
	With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at \
bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first. \
Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy \
took off for second and made it.  Now we had runners at second and third. \
	I\'m standing at third, knowing I\'m not going anywhere, and see Brandy \
start to take a lead.  All of a sudden, here he comes.  He makes a great slide \
into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?"  He looks up, and \
shouts, "Back to second if I can make it." \
		-- Joe Garagiola, "It\'s Anybody\'s Ball Game" \
',' \
Check me if I\'m wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... \
they\'re gonna lock me up and throw away the key! \
',' \
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty \
played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees \
played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, \
and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity. \
		-- H. L. Mencken \
',' \
	COONDOG MEMORY \
	(heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago) \
 \
Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as \
old as the average dog can, but she\'s got a pretty good memory to boot. \
For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and \
is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to \
try out ol\' Sis here.  So I turned her out south of the house and she made \
two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set \
back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods, \
come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air, \
run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had \
something treed.  We went over there with our flashlights and shone them \
up in the tree but couldn\'t catch no shine offa coon\'s eyes, and my \
neighbor sorta indicated that ol\' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she \
stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it.  So I pulled off my \
coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon \
skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up. \
Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow \
was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the \
air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the \
Hawkins\' had a fence across there about five years back.  Now, this dog \
is for sale. \
		-- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly \
',' \
Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule \
 \
	Sept 14		Pasadena Junior High \
	Sept 21		Boy Scout Troop 049 \
	Sept 28		Blind Academy \
	Sept 30		World War I Veterans \
	Oct 5		Brownie Scout Troop 041 \
	Oct 12		Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders \
	Oct 26		St. Thomas Boys Choir \
	Nov 2		Texas City Vet Clinic \
	Nov 9		Korean War Amputees \
	Nov 15		VA Hospital Polio Patients \
',' \
Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over- \
whelming majority of the crowd present.  Abusive and obscene language may \
not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, \
or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants \
(unless struck by a boomerang). \
		-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. \
',' \
Don\'t let go of what you\'ve got hold of, until you have hold of something else. \
		-- First Rule of Wing Walking \
',' \
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik\'s Cube:	Black. \
 \
Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of \
side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath \
-- black.  According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. \
		-- Steve Rubenstein \
',' \
Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? \
',' \
Ever feel like you\'re the head pin on life\'s bowling alley, and everyone\'s \
rolling strikes? \
',' \
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. \
		-- Snoopy \
',' \
Failed Attempts To Break Records \
	In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break \
the world shouting record by two and a half decibels.  "I am not surprised \
he failed," his wife said afterwards.  "He\'s really a very quiet man and \
doesn\'t even shout at me." \
	In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the \
record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours. \
	His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended \
after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace. \
"People complained I was too noisy," he said. \
	In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across \
the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes.  "It was raining heavily and my \
drone got waterlogged," he said. \
	A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas\' attempt to topple 100,000 \
dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978.  97,500 dominoes \
had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off. \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have.  The greatest feeling? \
Landing...  Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. \
',' \
Football builds self-discipline.  What else would induce a spectator to \
sit out in the open in subfreezing weather? \
',' \
Football combines the two worst features of American life. \
It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. \
		-- George F. Will, "Men At Work:  The Craft of Baseball" \
',' \
Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets. \
		-- Jimmy Breslin \
',' \
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15 \
 \
	"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." \
	And while you\'re at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas \
	Cowboy cheerleaders. \
',' \
FORTUNE\'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#14 \
	The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe" \
Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. \
',' \
From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. \
		-- Ad for the new VW Corrado \
',' \
George\'s friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address.  "Let \
me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. \
	"Okay," agreed Sam.  "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." \
	At his company\'s Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet \
and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address. \
No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog. \
George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we\'ll begin!"  Then he looked at \
the dog.  The dog looked back.  No sound.  "Come on, boy, do your stuff." \
Nothing.  A disappointed George took his dog and went home. \
	"Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George \
yelled at the dog.  "Do you realize how much money you lost me?" \
	"Don\'t be silly, George," replied the dog.  "Think of the odds we\'re \
gonna get on Labor Day." \
',' \
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish, \
and he\'ll invite himself over for dinner. \
		-- Calvin Keegan \
',' \
Give me a fish and I will eat today. \
 \
Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. \
',' \
Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. \
',' \
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us \
all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for \
its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs \
romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any \
wild horses in person.  In person, they are like enormous hooved rats.  They \
amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We\'re wild horses. \
We\'re going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. \
We\'re protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." \
		-- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" \
',' \
HARVARD: \
Quarterback: \
	Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass.  And pass he does, with \
a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays....  Though Strewzinksi \
has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed \
has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. \
Wide Receiver: \
	The other directional signal in Harvard\'s offensive machine is senior \
Phil Yip, who is very fast.  Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being \
fast.  Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five \
or six times, his average for a game.  Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you \
asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of \
those times. \
YALE: \
Defense: \
	On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies. \
Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron \
Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history.  Also contributing to \
the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds \
out the offensive ethnic joke.  Look for these three to shut down the opening \
coin toss. \
		-- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game \
',' \
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. \
		-- W. C. Fields \
',' \
How can you think and hit at the same time? \
		-- Yogi Berra \
',' \
I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people\'s accomplishments. \
The front page has nothing but man\'s failures. \
		-- Chief Justice Earl Warren \
',' \
I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in \
the world is fixed. \
		-- Frank Deford, sports writer \
',' \
I can\'t decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. \
		-- Florence Henderson \
',' \
I do not care if half the league strikes.  Those who do will encounter \
quick retribution.  All will be suspended, and I don\'t care if it wrecks \
the National League for five years.  This is the United States of America \
and one citizen has as much right to play as another. \
		-- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a \
		   threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if \
		   Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis.  The \
		   Cardinals backed down and played. \
',' \
I guess I\'ve been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took \
time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to \
win -- or even how you won. \
		-- Cash McCall \
',' \
I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. \
		-- D. Cavett \
',' \
I just know I\'m a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. \
		-- Casey Stengel \
',' \
I like your game but we have to change the rules. \
',' \
I never met a man I didn\'t want to fight. \
		-- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman \
',' \
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as \
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet \
trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to \
go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports \
that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" \
',' \
I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that \
it took seven others to beat him! \
',' \
I would be batting the big feller if they wasn\'t ready with the other one, \
but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn\'t have knowed it already \
because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even \
after we\'ve been home a long while. \
		-- Casey Stengel \
',' \
I would rather say that a desire to drive fast sports cars is what sets \
man apart from the animals. \
',' \
I\'d rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. \
',' \
I\'m a lucky guy, and I\'m happy to be with the Yankees.  And I want to \
thank everyone for making this night necessary. \
		-- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor \
',' \
I\'m glad we don\'t have to play in the shade. \
		-- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees \
		   in the shade. \
',' \
I\'ve only got 12 cards. \
',' \
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. \
The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position \
in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop.  The law of \
gravity supercedes the law of golf. \
		-- Donald A. Metz \
',' \
If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. \
If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the \
game right.  If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of \
course, it doesn\'t have enough talent to win, and no manager can make \
goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? \
		-- Sparky Anderson \
',' \
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, \
there\'d be a shortage of fishing poles. \
		-- Doug Larson \
',' \
If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the \
way they do? \
',' \
	If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of \
everything. When we get to October 2, we\'ll add up the wins, and then \
we\'ll either all go into the playoffs, or we\'ll all go home and play golf. \
	Both those things sound pretty good to me. \
		-- Sparky Anderson \
',' \
If you don\'t know what game you\'re playing, don\'t ask what the score is. \
',' \
If you sit down at a poker game and don\'t see a sucker, get up.  You\'re \
the sucker. \
',' \
If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. \
		-- Harry Blackstone \
',' \
If you\'re carrying a torch, put it down.  The Olympics are over. \
',' \
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground \
with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries.  Anthropologists call \
this a form of primitive self-expression.  In America we call it golf. \
',' \
In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it made the World Series \
just something that came later. \
		-- Walter O\'Malley, Dodgers owner \
',' \
It gets late early out there. \
		-- Yogi Berra \
',' \
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- \
but which one?  Differences are crucial. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
It\'s like deja vu all over again. \
		-- Yogi Berra \
',' \
It\'s not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. \
		-- Grantland Rice \
',' \
It\'s not whether you win or lose, it\'s how you look playing the game. \
',' \
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. \
',' \
Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: \
	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc \
	   straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this \
	   force is technically termed "car suck"). \
	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive \
	   than "Watch this!" \
	(3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly \
	   proportional to the cost of hitting it.  For instance, a \
	   Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or \
	   a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. \
	(4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the \
	   cute girl you\'ve been trying to impress is watching, the \
	   Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you \
	   in the head and knock you silly. \
',' \
Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn\'t take it. \
		-- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" \
',' \
Life is a game of bridge -- and you\'ve just been finessed. \
',' \
Life is a game.  In order to have a game, something has to be more \
important than something else.  If what already is, is more important \
than what isn\'t, the game is over.  So, life is a game in which what \
isn\'t, is more important than what is.  Let the good times roll. \
		-- Werner Erhard \
',' \
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. \
',' \
Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us \
to pay income taxes, too? \
		-- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox \
',' \
Love means nothing to a tennis player. \
',' \
Mankind\'s yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, \
dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive man \
picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and \
whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire. \
 \
What inner force drove this first athlete?  Your guess is as good as \
mine.  Better, probably, because you haven\'t had four beers. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" \
',' \
MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that it\'s two lives \
connected by a thin strand. \
 \
Come on, Marta, grow up. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most \
of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its \
territory from invasion by another group." \
 \
"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.  Girls are funny. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
	Max told his friend that he\'d just as soon not go hiking in the hills. \
Said he, "I\'m an anti-climb Max." \
	[So is that punchline.] \
',' \
Most people\'s favorite way to end a game is by winning. \
',' \
My first baseman is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh \
Pirates team, which lost 112 games.  After a terrible series against the \
New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors \
and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can \
somebody think of something to help us win a game?" \
	"I\'d like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said.  "On any ball hit \
to center field, let\'s just let it roll to see if it might go foul." \
		-- Joe Garagiola, "It\'s Anybody\'s Ball Game" \
',' \
My way of joking is to tell the truth.  That\'s the funniest joke in the world. \
		-- Muhammad Ali \
',' \
Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection. \
		-- \'76 Olympics \
',' \
Never play pool with anyone named "Fats". \
',' \
NEWS FLASH!! \
Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vault \
champion. \
',' \
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses. \
',' \
Now there\'s three things you can do in a baseball game: you can win \
or you can lose or it can rain. \
		-- Casey Stengel \
',' \
"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the \
dog] is good for almost every kind of game.  He went duck hunting one time \
and did real well at it.  Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but, \
you know, farm ducks.  And it got Don Carlos all mixed up.  Since the \
ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he \
wasn\'t supposed to kill them, but he had to do something.  So one morning \
last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and \
buried them."  "What do you mean, buried them?"  "Oh, he didn\'t hurt them. \
He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth \
and put them in the holes.  Then he covered them up with mud except for \
their heads.  He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for \
another one when Tony found him.  We talked about it for a long time.  Papa \
said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn\'t \
know how to build a cage he put them in holes.  He\'s a smart dog." \
		-- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning" \
',' \
On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the \
same moment -- halftime. \
',' \
Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem.  You see, during \
a portion of Beethovan\'s Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin \
parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around.  So, \
to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the \
end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the \
page of the score before the bass cue.  As the basses grew more and more \
inebriated, two of them fell asleep.  The conductor grew quite nervous (he \
was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth; \
the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out. \
',' \
One thought driven home is better than three left on base. \
',' \
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. \
',' \
Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the \
maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out \
in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty \
good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there\'s no way to know \
for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging \
over from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She\'s been on the team for \
three seasons now, but the males still don\'t trust her.  They know, deep in \
their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving \
an infant\'s life, she probably would elect to save the infant\'s life, without \
ever considering whether there were men on base. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" \
',' \
P-K4 \
',' \
Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984 \
when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame.  Second \
baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws.  Other players were \
diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch.  At the same time, Guerrero, \
at third, was making a few plays that weren\'t exactly soothing to manager \
Tom Lasorda\'s stomach.  Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous \
motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third \
base like that?  You\'ve gotta be thinking about something besides baseball. \
What is it?" \
	"I\'m only thinking about two things," Guerrero said.  "First, `I \
hope they don\'t hit the ball to me.\'"  The players snickered, and even \
Lasorda had to fight off a laugh.  "Second, `I hope they don\'t hit the ball \
to Sax.\'" \
		-- Joe Garagiola, "It\'s Anybody\'s Ball Game" \
',' \
Repel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. \
		-- Indiana University football cheer \
',' \
Reporter:   "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" \
Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." \
',' \
Rick:	"How can you close me up?  On what grounds?" \
Renault: "I\'m shocked!  Shocked!  To find that gambling is going on here." \
Croupier (handing money to Renault): "Your winnings, sir." \
Renault:"Oh.  Thank you very much." \
		-- Casablanca \
',' \
Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" \
Yogi Berra:  "You mean now?" \
',' \
Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching.  Working once a week, \
he might have lasted a long time and become a great star. \
		-- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth\'s plan to change \
		   from being a pitcher to an outfielder. \
		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" \
',' \
Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. \
		-- Heard on Noahs\' ark \
',' \
San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city.  I don\'t mean the \
people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy.  When \
they boo you, you know they mean *you*.  Music, that\'s what it is to me. \
One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. \
		-- George Halas, professional football coach \
',' \
Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a \
swank hotel in New York.  Most of the major stars of the chess world were \
there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages \
retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment.  In the lobby, \
some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the \
fastest, and the best chess player in the world.  The argument got quite \
loud, as various players claimed that honor.  At that point, a security \
guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there\'s \
anything I just can\'t stand, it\'s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." \
',' \
Show me a good loser in professional sports and I\'ll show you an idiot. \
Show me a good sportsman and I\'ll show you a player I\'m looking to trade. \
		-- Leo Durocher \
',' \
So I\'m ugly.  So what?  I never saw anyone hit with his face. \
		-- Yogi Berra \
',' \
Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which \
the seal is not yet broken.  And he is going to offer to bet you that he can \
make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. \
But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider. \
		-- Sky Masterson\'s Father \
',' \
Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. \
',' \
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. \
',' \
Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to \
shoot some craps.  The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. \
	When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his \
entire wad, shook the dice and rolled.  A smile crossed his face as a \
seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out \
of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others.  No one said a \
word.  Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket \
and handed the others to Dutsky. \
	"Roll \'em," Lucci said.  "Your point is thirteen." \
',' \
Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean \
of Academics because he was concerned about his players\' mental abilities. \
"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the \
unbelieving dean.  At this point, one of his players happened to enter \
the dean\'s office.  "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he \
told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in.  "OK, Coach", \
the player replied, and was off.  "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked. \
"Yeah", replied the dean.  "He could have just picked up this phone and \
called you from here." \
',' \
That\'s the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows \
returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball. \
		-- Bill Veeck \
',' \
The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water.  Eager to show off  \
this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next \
hunting trip.  Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, \
the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned \
it to his master. \
	"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. \
	"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can\'t swim." \
',' \
The Fastest Defeat In Chess \
	The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess \
master.   \
	In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a \
Monsieur Lazard.  Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so \
chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort \
of their own homes. \
	Lazard was black and Gibaud white: \
	1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3 \
	2: Kt-Q2, P-K4 \
	3: PxP, Kt-Kt5 \
	4: P-K6, Kt-K6 \
	White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve \
either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen. \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he \
wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke. \
	"Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to \
you?  They used to be with the Chicago Bears.  The two dudes behind you made \
the U.S. Olympic wrestling team.  And for you information, I used to play \
center at Notre Dame." \
	"Forget it," the customer said.  "I don\'t want to explain it five \
times." \
',' \
The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the \
biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to \
them were fishermen. \
		-- Arthur Binstead \
',' \
THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time \
to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the floor. \
 \
"Sorry," he said with a smile. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
The one sure way to make a lazy man look respectable is to put a fishing \
rod in his hand. \
',' \
	The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... \
You\'ve got to start way down, at the bottom, when you\'re six or seven years \
old. You can\'t wait until you\'re fifteen or sixteen.  You\'ve got to let it \
grow up with you, and if you\'re successful and you try hard enough, you\'re \
bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. \
		-- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium \
',' \
The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter.  The batter \
swang and missed.  The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the \
batter connected.  He hit a high fly right to the center fielder.  The \
center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his \
eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. \
		-- Dizzy Dean \
',' \
The real problem with hunting elephants is carrying the decoys. \
',' \
The surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any more. \
',' \
The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie \
Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said \
to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his decision \
to attend Cal, "I\'m in it for the free ride." \
',' \
The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable \
that I assume it must be evil. \
		-- Heywood Broun \
',' \
The whole of life is futile unless you consider it as a sporting proposition. \
',' \
There\'s a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose, \
ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league.  There are \
pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could \
hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there\'s at \
least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey, \
Josh Gibson.  Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the \
pigmentation of their skin.  They happen to be colored. \
		-- Shirley Povich, 1941 \
',' \
They also surf who only stand on waves. \
',' \
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, \
call it the target. \
',' \
Trust everybody, but cut the cards. \
		-- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley\'s Philosophy" \
',' \
	Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail.  While Bill has a great \
deal of experience, he certainly isn\'t the rigger Mort is. \
',' \
Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them \
whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed \
like hours. \
	"I\'ll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward \
the women.  Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel \
and went back to where his companion was waiting. \
	"Can\'t do it," he explained, sheepishly.  "One of them\'s my wife \
and the other\'s my mistress!" \
	"I\'ll ask," said Jim.  He started off, only to turn and come back \
before reaching the green. \
	"What\'s wrong?" Bill asked. \
	"Small world, isn\'t it?" \
',' \
We was playin\' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh.  Josh [Gibson] \
comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run behind.  Well, \
he hit one.  The Grays waited around and waited around, but finally the \
empire rules it ain\'t comin\' down.  So we win.  The next day, we was disputin\' \
the Grays in Philadelphia when here come a ball outta the sky right in the \
glove of the Grays\' center fielder.  The empire made the only possible call. \
"You\'re out, boy!" he says to Josh.  "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh." \
		-- Satchel Paige \
',' \
When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and \
inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats \
blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes \
screaming.  Weird masks and actors\' clothes hung on the wall, and if he \
stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing \
himself to destruction. \
		-- George Plimpton \
',' \
When I\'m gone, boxing will be nothing again.  The fans with the cigars and \
the hats turned down\'ll be there, but no more housewives and little men in \
the street and foreign presidents.  It\'s goin\' to be back to the fighter who \
comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says \
he\'s in shape.  Old hat.  I was the onliest boxer in history people asked \
questions like a senator. \
		-- Muhammad Ali \
',' \
When in doubt, lead trump. \
',' \
Winning isn\'t everything, but losing isn\'t anything. \
',' \
Winning isn\'t everything.  It\'s the only thing. \
		-- Vince Lombardi \
',' \
Woman:      "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" \
Yogi Berra: "No, ma\'am, its not even carbonated." \
',' \
A father doesn\'t destroy his children. \
		-- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?", \
		   stardate 3468.1. \
',' \
A little suffering is good for the soul. \
		-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0 \
',' \
A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and \
licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away. \
		-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown \
',' \
A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect her. \
		-- McCoy, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.3 \
',' \
A star captain\'s most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even \
his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive. \
		-- Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown \
',' \
A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without breathing. \
		-- Kirk, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4 \
',' \
A woman should have compassion. \
		-- Kirk, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2 \
',' \
Actual war is a very messy business.  Very, very messy business. \
		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0 \
',' \
After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing, \
after all, as "wanting."  It is not logical, but it is often true. \
		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 \
',' \
Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. \
',' \
All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars. \
		-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3259.2 \
',' \
Another Armenia, Belgium ... the weak innocents who always seem to be \
located on a natural invasion route. \
		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.4 \
',' \
Another dream that failed.  There\'s nothing sadder. \
		-- Kirk, "This side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3 \
',' \
Another war ... must it always be so?  How many comrades have we lost \
in this way? ...  Obedience.  Duty.  Death, and more death ... \
		-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 \
',' \
... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish \
enough to play around with that. \
		-- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown \
',' \
Beam me up, Scotty! \
',' \
Beam me up, Scotty!  It ate my phaser! \
',' \
Beam me up, Scotty, there\'s no intelligent life down here! \
',' \
	"Beauty is transitory." \
	"Beauty survives." \
		-- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown \
',' \
Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on. \
		-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 \
',' \
Blast medicine anyway!  We\'ve learned to tie into every organ in the \
human body but one.  The brain!  The brain is what life is all about. \
		-- McCoy, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4 \
',' \
Bones: "The man\'s DEAD, Jim!" \
',' \
But Captain -- the engines can\'t take this much longer! \
',' \
But it\'s real.  And if it\'s real it can be affected ...  we may not be able \
to break it, but, I\'ll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a dent in it. \
		-- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2 \
',' \
"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with \
jealousy, greed, hate ..." \
 \
"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment -- \
the other side of the coin" \
		-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?", \
		   stardate 2712.4 \
',' \
Captain\'s Log, star date 21:34.5... \
',' \
Change is the essential process of all existence. \
		-- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2 \
',' \
Compassion -- that\'s the one things no machine ever had.  Maybe it\'s \
the one thing that keeps men ahead of them. \
		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 \
',' \
Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to \
serve under them.  Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one \
man.  And nothing can replace it or him. \
		-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4 \
',' \
Conquest is easy. Control is not. \
		-- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown \
',' \
Dammit Jim, I\'m an actor, not a doctor. \
',' \
Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing. \
		-- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7 \
',' \
Death.  Destruction.  Disease.  Horror.  That\'s what war is all about. \
That\'s what makes it a thing to be avoided. \
		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0 \
',' \
Deflector shields just came on, Captain. \
',' \
Do you know about being with somebody?  Wanting to be?  If I had the \
whole universe, I\'d give it to you, Janice.  When I see you, I feel \
like I\'m hungry all over.  Do you know how that feels? \
		-- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8 \
',' \
Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer \
her by ..."  You could feel the wind at your back, about you ...  the \
sounds of the sea beneath you.  And even if you take away the wind and \
the water, it\'s still the same.  The ship is yours ... you can feel her \
... and the stars are still there. \
		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4 \
',' \
[Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers \
-- the living and the dying. \
		-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown \
',' \
Each kiss is as the first. \
		-- Miramanee, Kirk\'s wife, "The Paradise Syndrome", \
		   stardate 4842.6 \
',' \
EARL GREY PROFILES \
 \
NAME:		Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard \
OCCUPATION:	Starship Big Cheese \
AGE:		94 \
BIRTHPLACE:	Paris, Terra Sector \
EYES:		Grey \
SKIN:		Tanned \
HAIR:		Not much \
LAST MAGAZINE READ: \
		Lobes \'n\' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly \
TEA:		Earl Grey.  Hot. \
 \
EARL GREY NEVER VARIES. \
',' \
Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe. \
		-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1 \
',' \
Either one of us, by himself, is expendable.  Both of us are not. \
		-- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1 \
',' \
Emotions are alien to me.  I\'m a scientist. \
		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3 \
',' \
Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same mistakes. \
		-- John Gill, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7 \
',' \
Every living thing wants to survive. \
		-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 \
',' \
	"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth." \
	"Or by misleading the innocent." \
		-- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead", \
		   stardate 5029.5. \
',' \
Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing. \
		-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4 \
',' \
Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected. \
		-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5 \
',' \
Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude. \
		-- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 \
',' \
First study the enemy.  Seek weakness. \
		-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 \
',' \
Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man. \
		-- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown \
',' \
	"... freedom ... is a worship word..." \
	"It is our worship word too." \
		-- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown \
',' \
Genius doesn\'t work on an assembly line basis.  You can\'t simply say, \
"Today I will be brilliant." \
		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 \
',' \
	"Get back to your stations!" \
	"We\'re beaming down to the planet, sir." \
		-- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise", \
		   stardate 3417.3 \
',' \
Hailing frequencies open, Captain. \
',' \
He\'s dead, Jim. \
		-- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1 \
',' \
History tends to exaggerate. \
		-- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4 \
',' \
Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love). \
		-- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6 \
',' \
I am pleased to see that we have differences.  May we together become \
greater than the sum of both of us. \
		-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4 \
',' \
I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to \
any question. \
		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3 \
',' \
I object to intellect without discipline;  I object to power without \
constructive purpose. \
		-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5 \
',' \
I realize that command does have its fascination, even under \
circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command \
nor am I frightened of it.  It simply exists, and I will do whatever \
logically needs to be done. \
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7 \
',' \
	"I think they\'re going to take all this money that we spend now on war \
and death --" \
	"And make them spend it on life." \
		-- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", \
		   stardate unknown. \
',' \
I thought my people would grow tired of killing.  But you were right, \
they see it is easier than trading.  And it has its pleasures.  I feel \
it myself.  Like the hunt, but with richer rewards. \
		-- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 \
',' \
"I\'m a doctor, not a mechanic." \
		-- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of \
		   the idea of a doomsday machine. \
"I\'m a doctor, not an escalator." \
		-- "Friday\'s Child", when asked to help the very pregnant \
		   Ellen up a steep incline. \
"I\'m a doctor, not a bricklayer." \
		-- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. \
"I\'m a doctor, not an engineer." \
		-- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in \
		   Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise. \
"I\'m a doctor, not a coalminer." \
		-- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2. \
"I\'m a surgeon, not a psychiatrist." \
		-- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler\'s remark \
		   that Kirk talked strangely. \
"I\'m no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor." \
		-- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the \
		   aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4. \
"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?" \
		-- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a \
		   physical exam to answer the alert. \
',' \
I\'m a soldier, not a diplomat.  I can only tell the truth. \
		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9 \
',' \
I\'m frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life. \
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 \
',' \
I\'ve already got a female to worry about.  Her name is the Enterprise. \
		-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0 \
',' \
If a man had a child who\'d gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he\'d still \
tend to protect that child. \
		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 \
',' \
If I can have honesty, it\'s easier to overlook mistakes. \
		-- Kirk, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9 \
',' \
If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad. \
		-- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7 \
',' \
If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. \
		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7 \
',' \
Immortality consists largely of boredom. \
		-- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 \
',' \
In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians. \
		-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4 \
',' \
Insufficient facts always invite danger. \
		-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9 \
',' \
Insults are effective only where emotion is present. \
		-- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?"  stardate 3468.1 \
',' \
Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative. \
		-- Kirk, "Obsession", stardate 3620.7 \
',' \
Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the \
learning of each other? \
		-- Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is \
		   Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", stardate 5476.3. \
',' \
Is truth not truth for all? \
		-- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched \
		   the Sky", stardate 5476.4. \
',' \
It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which is \
logical and beneficial.  We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for \
personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be. \
		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4 \
',' \
It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if \
they\'re attractive in some way. \
		-- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6 \
',' \
It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six. \
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 \
',' \
It is necessary to have purpose. \
		-- Alice #1, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 \
',' \
It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers. \
		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 \
',' \
It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable. \
		-- Spock, "The Enterprise" Incident", stardate 5027.3 \
',' \
It would be illogical to kill without reason. \
		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4 \
',' \
It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted. \
		-- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 \
',' \
	"It\'s hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt can \
do so much harm." \
	"That\'s true.  But an idea can\'t be seen or felt.  And that\'s what kept \
the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries.  A mistaken idea." \
		-- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0 \
',' \
Killing is stupid; useless! \
		-- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 \
',' \
Killing is wrong. \
		-- Losira, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown \
',' \
Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. \
',' \
Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!! \
100% Damage to life support!!!! \
',' \
Knowledge, sir, should be free to all! \
		-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 \
',' \
Landru! Guide us! \
		-- A Beta 3-oid, "The Return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4 \
',' \
Leave bigotry in your quarters; there\'s no room for it on the bridge. \
		-- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 \
',' \
	"Life and death are seldom logical." \
	"But attaining a desired goal always is." \
		-- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7 \
',' \
Live long and prosper. \
		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 \
',' \
	"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here." \
	"You admit that?" \
	"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor" \
		-- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown \
',' \
Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes. \
		-- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever", \
		   stardate unknown \
',' \
Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice. \
		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3220.3 \
',' \
Madness has no purpose.  Or reason.  But it may have a goal. \
		-- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7 \
',' \
Many Myths are based on truth \
		-- Spock, "The Way to Eden",  stardate 5832.3 \
',' \
Men of peace usually are [brave]. \
		-- Spock, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 \
',' \
Men will always be men -- no matter where they are. \
		-- Harry Mudd, "Mudd\'s Women", stardate 1329.8 \
',' \
Military secrets are the most fleeting of all. \
		-- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.4 \
',' \
Mind your own business, Spock.  I\'m sick of your halfbreed interference. \
',' \
Most legends have their basis in facts. \
		-- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5 \
',' \
Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God. \
		-- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 \
',' \
No more blah, blah, blah! \
		-- Kirk, "Miri", stardate 2713.6 \
',' \
No one can guarantee the actions of another. \
		-- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown \
',' \
No one may kill a man.  Not for any purpose.  It cannot be condoned. \
		-- Kirk, "Spock\'s Brain", stardate 5431.6 \
',' \
	"No one talks peace unless he\'s ready to back it up with war." \
	"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live." \
		-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", \
		   stardate 5906.5. \
',' \
No one wants war. \
		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7 \
',' \
No problem is insoluble. \
		-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4 \
',' \
Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is. \
		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 \
',' \
Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved. \
		-- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall\'s body), "Return to Tomorrow", \
		   stardate 4770.3. \
',' \
Oh, that sound of male ego.  You travel halfway across the galaxy and \
it\'s still the same song. \
		-- Eve McHuron, "Mudd\'s Women", stardate 1330.1 \
',' \
On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy.  To me, it \
is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy, \
instead of saving it. \
		-- Spock, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.2 \
',' \
One does not thank logic. \
		-- Sarek, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4 \
',' \
One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for \
advice without necessarily having to take it. \
		-- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.2 \
',' \
Only a fool fights in a burning house. \
		-- Kank the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown \
',' \
Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest.  When we do battle, it \
is only because we have no choice. \
		-- Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5 \
',' \
Our way is peace. \
		-- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses", \
		   stardate 4040.7. \
',' \
Pain is a thing of the mind.  The mind can be controlled. \
		-- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2 \
',' \
Peace was the way. \
		-- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown \
',' \
Phasers locked on target, Captain. \
',' \
Power is danger. \
		-- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 \
',' \
Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready. \
		-- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever", \
		   stardate unknown \
',' \
Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point.  Men become insensitive. \
		-- Eneg, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7 \
',' \
Respect is a rational process \
		-- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 \
',' \
Romulan women are not like Vulcan females.  We are not dedicated to \
pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion. \
		-- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident", \
		   stardate 5027.3 \
',' \
Schshschshchsch. \
		-- The Gorn, "Arena", stardate 3046.2 \
',' \
She won\' go Warp 7, Cap\'n!  The batteries are dead! \
',' \
Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on. \
		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9 \
',' \
Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he\'ll never tell his doctor. \
		-- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), \
		   stardate unknown. \
',' \
Space: the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. \
Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life \
and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before. \
		-- Captain James T. Kirk \
',' \
Spock: The odds of surviving another attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. \
',' \
Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. \
',' \
Star Trek Lives! \
',' \
Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie. \
		-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3142.8 \
',' \
Superior ability breeds superior ambition. \
		-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9 \
',' \
	"That unit is a woman." \
	"A mass of conflicting impulses." \
		-- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9 \
',' \
The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. \
		-- Scotty \
',' \
	"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile." \
	"Yes, the philosophy of \'none,\' meaning \'all.\'" \
		-- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4 \
',' \
The face of war has never changed.  Surely it is more logical to heal \
than to kill. \
		-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 \
',' \
The games have always strengthened us.  Death becomes a familiar \
pattern.  We don\'t fear it as you do. \
		-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses", \
		   stardate 4041.2 \
',' \
	"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity." \
	"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty." \
		-- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock, "Is There in Truth No Beauty?", \
		   stardate 5630.8 \
',' \
The heart is not a logical organ. \
		-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4 \
',' \
The idea of male and female are universal constants. \
		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 \
',' \
The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her. \
		-- Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5842.8 \
',' \
The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often a noose. \
',' \
The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play. \
		-- Kirk, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.8 \
',' \
The only solution is ... a balance of power.  We arm our side with exactly \
that much more.  A balance of power -- the trickiest, most difficult, \
dirtiest game of them all.  But the only one that preserves both sides. \
		-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 \
',' \
The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred.  That \
the love of life is the greatest gift ... We are incapable of \
destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so \
deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being. \
		-- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon", stardate 5423.4 \
',' \
... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when then get \
to know each other. \
		-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5 \
',' \
	"The release of emotion is what keeps us health.  Emotionally healthy." \
	"That may be, Doctor.  However, I have noted that the healthy release \
of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you." \
		-- McCoy and Spock, "Plato\'s Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3 \
',' \
The sight of death frightens them [Earthers]. \
		-- Kras the Klingon, "Friday\'s Child", stardate 3497.2 \
',' \
The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last. \
		-- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6 \
',' \
... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the \
the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious \
failures and the glorious victories. \
		-- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7 \
',' \
There are always alternatives. \
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 \
',' \
There are certain things men must do to remain men. \
		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4929.4 \
',' \
There are some things worth dying for. \
		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7 \
',' \
There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face \
.... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves as gods. \
		-- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3 \
',' \
There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. \
		-- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9 \
',' \
There is an old custom among my people.  When a woman saves a man\'s \
life, he is grateful. \
		-- Nona, the Kanuto witch woman, "A Private Little War", \
		   stardate 4211.8. \
',' \
There is an order of things in this universe. \
		-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1 \
',' \
There\'s a way out of any cage. \
		-- Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), \
		   stardate unknown. \
',' \
There\'s another way to survive.  Mutual trust -- and help. \
		-- Kirk, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown \
',' \
There\'s no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy.  There is \
nothing good in war.  Except its ending. \
		-- Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 \
',' \
There\'s nothing disgusting about it [the Companion].  It\'s just another \
life form, that\'s all.  You get used to those things. \
		-- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 \
',' \
	"There\'s only one kind of woman ..." \
	"Or man, for that matter.  You either believe in yourself or you don\'t." \
		-- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd\'s Women", stardate 1330.1 \
',' \
This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you \
realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject. \
		-- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4658.9 \
',' \
Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not stopped. \
		-- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown \
',' \
Time is fluid ... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash. \
		-- Spock, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0 \
',' \
To live is always desirable. \
		-- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday\'s Child", stardate 3498.9 \
',' \
Too much of anything, even love, isn\'t necessarily a good thing. \
		-- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6 \
',' \
Totally illogical, there was no chance. \
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 \
',' \
Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages.  And we can all \
be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses. \
		-- Parmen, "Plato\'s Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3 \
',' \
Violence in reality is quite different from theory. \
		-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4 \
',' \
Virtue is a relative term. \
		-- Spock, "Friday\'s Child", stardate 3499.1 \
',' \
Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force. \
		-- Amanda, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.3 \
',' \
Vulcans do not approve of violence. \
		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4 \
',' \
Vulcans never bluff. \
		-- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine", stardate 4202.1 \
',' \
Vulcans worship peace above all. \
		-- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3 \
',' \
Wait!  You have not been prepared! \
		-- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2 \
',' \
War is never imperative. \
		-- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 \
',' \
War isn\'t a good life, but it\'s life. \
		-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 \
',' \
[War] is instinctive.  But the instinct can be fought.  We\'re human \
beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands!  But we \
can stop it.  We can admit that we\'re killers ... but we\'re not going \
to kill today.  That\'s all it takes!  Knowing that we\'re not going to \
kill today! \
		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0 \
',' \
Warp 7 -- It\'s a law we can live with. \
',' \
We do not colonize.  We conquer.  We rule.  There is no other way for us. \
		-- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5 \
',' \
We fight only when there is no other choice.  We prefer the ways of \
peaceful contact. \
		-- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun", stardate 4385.3 \
',' \
We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior \
development. \
		-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3211.7 \
',' \
We have phasers, I vote we blast \'em! \
		-- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2 \
',' \
	"We have the right to survive!" \
	"Not by killing others." \
		-- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5 \
',' \
We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die.  Only the strong \
should live. \
		-- Kras, "Friday\'s Child", stardate 3497.2 \
',' \
We\'ll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu! \
',' \
We\'re all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine. \
But when it comes to your job -- that\'s different.  And it always will \
be different. \
		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4 \
',' \
Well, Jim, I\'m not much of an actor either. \
',' \
	"What happened to the crewman?" \
	"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely got in \
the way." \
		-- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer", \
		   stardate 4731.3. \
',' \
What kind of love is that?  Not to be loved; never to have shown love. \
		-- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis", \
		   stardate 3219.8 \
',' \
	"What terrible way to die." \
	"There are no good ways." \
		-- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown \
',' \
When a child is taught ... its programmed with simple instructions -- \
and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of \
what it was taught, thinks independently. \
		-- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer", \
		   stardate 4731.3. \
',' \
When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel, \
building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left \
behind by your ancestors.  You just sit living and reliving other lives \
left behind in the thought records. \
		-- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown \
',' \
Where there\'s no emotion, there\'s no motive for violence. \
		-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1 \
',' \
Witch!  Witch!  They\'ll burn ya! \
		-- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate unknown \
',' \
Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically.  You must rely on \
your human intuition. \
		-- Spock, "Assignment: Earth", stardate unknown \
',' \
Without followers, evil cannot spread. \
		-- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5 \
',' \
Without freedom of choice there is no creativity. \
		-- Kirk, "The return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4 \
',' \
Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating more \
sheer horror than the male of the species. \
		-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4 \
',' \
Women professionals do tend to over-compensate. \
		-- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before", \
		   stardate 1312.9. \
',' \
Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a woman. \
		-- Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9 \
',' \
Yes, it is written.  Good shall always destroy evil. \
		-- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown \
',' \
You are an excellent tactician, Captain.  You let your second in \
command attack while you sit and watch for weakness. \
		-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9 \
',' \
You can\'t evaluate a man by logic alone. \
		-- McCoy, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 \
',' \
You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; I\'ve got to have thirty minutes! \
',' \
You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries.  But \
you imprison those who employ it privately. \
		-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1 \
',' \
You go slow, be gentle.  It\'s no one-way street -- you know how you \
feel and that\'s all.  It\'s how the girl feels too.  Don\'t press.  If \
the girl feels anything for you at all, you\'ll know. \
		-- Kirk, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8 \
',' \
You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude.  "You\'re \
welcome," I believe, is the correct response. \
		-- Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2 \
',' \
You say you are lying.  But if everything you say is a lie, then you are \
telling the truth.  You cannot tell the truth because everything you say \
is a lie.  You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot, for you lie. \
		-- Norman the android, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 \
',' \
You speak of courage.  Obviously you do not know the difference between \
courage and foolhardiness.  Always it is the brave ones who die, the soldiers. \
		-- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy", \
		   stardate 3201.7 \
',' \
You!  What PLANET is this! \
		-- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0 \
',' \
You\'ll learn something about men and women -- the way they\'re supposed \
to be.  Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good \
to each other.  That\'s what we call love.  You\'ll like that a lot. \
		-- Kirk, "The Apple", stardate 3715.6 \
',' \
You\'re dead, Jim. \
		-- McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 \
',' \
You\'re dead, Jim. \
		-- McCoy, "The Tholian Web", stardate unknown \
',' \
You\'re too beautiful to ignore.  Too much woman. \
		-- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknown \
',' \
Youth doesn\'t excuse everything. \
		-- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk\'s body), "Turnabout Intruder", \
		   stardate 5928.5. \
',' \
A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. \
He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought \
to have a name.  This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name \
should be masculine or feminine. \
	After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either \
Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice. \
	"Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends.  Most of \
them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and \
went on their way rather quickly. \
	He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black \
belt in judo.  She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." \
	The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You\'re sure of that?" he \
asked. \
	"Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn\'t sell very well if they were \
masculine." \
	"Unhhh...  Well, why not?" \
	"Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want \
it to.  And, if Nissan\'s are female, it\'s like they say...  `Each Nissan, she \
go!\'" \
 \
	[No, we WON\'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental \
	martial art.  (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn\'t count.)  Ed.] \
',' \
Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est. \
',' \
Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -- \
und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt. \
',' \
Ego sum ens omnipotens. \
',' \
Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. \
',' \
Hodie natus est radici frater. \
',' \
Honi soit la vache qui rit. \
',' \
Klatu barada nikto. \
',' \
Mieux vaut tard que jamais! \
',' \
Qvid me anxivs svm? \
',' \
Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
Regnant populi. \
',' \
semper en excretus \
',' \
SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!! \
',' \
sillema sillema nika su \
',' \
Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re. \
Se non e vero, e ben trovato. \
',' \
Sum quod eris. \
',' \
Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme personne n\'ecoute, il faut \
toujours recommencer. \
		-- A. Gide \
',' \
Verba volant, scripta manent! \
',' \
(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. \
(2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. \
(3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. \
(4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as \
	the social ramble ain\'t restful. \
(5) Avoid running at all times. \
(6) Don\'t look back, something might be gaining on you. \
		-- S. Paige, c. 1951 \
',' \
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster -- it is an opportunity. \
',' \
A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such \
a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now.  But the \
sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will \
know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. \
		-- Messiah\'s Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul \
',' \
A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. \
		-- Stanislaw Lem \
',' \
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated.  But an authentic soothsayer should \
be shot on sight.  Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved. \
		-- R.A. Heinlein \
',' \
A halted retreat \
Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. \
To retain people as men -- and maidservants \
Brings good fortune. \
',' \
A lifetime isn\'t nearly long enough to figure out what it\'s all about. \
',' \
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I \
believe everything positively stinks. \
		-- Lew Col \
',' \
A man said to the Universe: \
	"Sir, I exist!" \
	"However," replied the Universe, \
	"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." \
		-- Stephen Crane \
',' \
A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk. \
	"It is right before your eyes," said the master. \
	"Why do I not see it for myself?" \
	"Because you are thinking of yourself." \
	"What about you: do you see it?" \
	"So long as you see double, saying `I don\'t\', and `you do\', and so \
on, your eyes are clouded," said the master. \
	"When there is neither `I\' nor `You\', can one see it?" \
	"When there is neither `I\' nor `You\', \
who is the one that wants to see it?" \
',' \
A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It is out on \
loan," the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside \
the stable.  "But I can hear it bray, over there."  "Whom do you believe," \
asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" \
',' \
A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.  \
Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." \
',' \
A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? \
	And the Master answered: \
	It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. \
It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. \
	It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City \
to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns \
have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. \
	And that is Fate?  said the priest. \
	Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. \
	That\'s all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know \
what Freight was too. \
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" \
',' \
A sad spectacle.  If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. \
If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. \
		-- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars \
',' \
A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper \
vocation?" \
	The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of \
their minds.  Others must use thier strong backs, legs and hands.  This is \
the same in nature as it is with man.  Some animals acquire their food easily, \
such as rabbits, hogs and goats.  Other animals must fiercely struggle for \
their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants.  So you see, the nature of \
the vocation must fit the individual. \
	"But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the \
scholar sobbed. \
	Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?" \
',' \
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. \
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H." \
',' \
A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin\'s hut on the mountain-side.  Knowing \
that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker \
watched the teacher closely.  "Why do you blow on your hands?"  "To warm \
myself in the cold."  Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself \
and the newcomer, and blew on his own.  "Why are you doing that, Master?" \
"To cool the soup."  Unable to trust a man who uses the same process \
to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. \
',' \
Ah, but a man\'s grasp should exceed his reach,  \
Or what\'s a heaven for ? \
		-- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" \
',' \
All hope abandon, ye who enter here! \
		-- Dante Alighieri \
',' \
All men know the utility of useful things; \
but they do not know the utility of futility. \
		-- Chuang-tzu \
',' \
All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. \
		-- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. \
',' \
All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a \
Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, \
tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: \
"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." \
		-- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" \
',' \
An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God.  Some of these eyes \
we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible. \
		-- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" \
',' \
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. \
',' \
	An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a \
great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. \
I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. \
I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but \
I have not been enlightened.  What should I do?" \
	Otis replied, "Give up suffering." \
		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" \
',' \
And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the \
hour of separation. \
		-- Kahlil Gibran \
',' \
Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this \
big field of rye and all.  Thousands of little kids, and nobody\'s around -- \
nobody big, I mean -- except me.  And I\'m standing on the edge of some crazy \
cliff.  What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go \
over the cliff -- I mean if they\'re running and they don\'t look where they\'re \
going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them.  That\'s all I\'d do \
all day.  I\'d just be the catcher in the rye.  I know it;  I know it\'s crazy, \
but that\'s the only thing I\'d really like to be.  I know it\'s crazy. \
		-- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" \
',' \
	Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen \
preaching to a group of disciples. \
	"Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating \
the absolute reality of --" \
	"Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!" \
	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he \
vaporized. \
	On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued \
with the spirit of the morning. \
	"Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks, \
"Thou art That..." \
	"Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!" \
	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk, \
and he vaporized. \
	Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our \
enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow \
soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?" \
	"US?" snapped Hakuin. \
	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the \
Governor, and he vaporized. \
	Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with \
his shotgun.  "Ha! Beat ya\' to the punchline, ya\' scrawny li\'l geek!" \
',' \
Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what\'s \
incomplete and saying: "Now it\'s complete because it\'s ended here." \
		-- Muad\'dib, "Dune" \
',' \
As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp \
the meaning of existence.  Both make one feel like a baby clutching at \
a basketball: one\'s palms keep sliding off. \
		-- Joseph Brodsky \
',' \
At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all \
my soul.  At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my \
ignorance upon the shore. \
		-- Kahlil Gibran \
',' \
At the end of your life there\'ll be a good rest, and no further activities \
are scheduled. \
',' \
At the foot of the mountain, thunder: \
The image of Providing Nourishment. \
Thus the superior man is careful of his words \
And temperate in eating and drinking. \
',' \
Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. \
		-- Jean Anouilh \
',' \
	Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and \
	took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of \
his followers. \
	One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and \
there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. \
	"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his \
commanding voice, "why don\'t you do something worthwhile?  What is your \
Purpose in Life, anyway?" \
	Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU".  (The \
Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) \
	Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. \
	Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. \
		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" \
',' \
Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to \
know the answers. \
		-- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" \
',' \
Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no \
wiser.  But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. \
		-- The Mahabharata \
',' \
By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. \
		-- Titus Lucretius Carus \
',' \
Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. \
		-- Howard Chaykin \
',' \
Certainly the game is rigged. \
 \
Don\'t let that stop you; if you don\'t bet, you can\'t win. \
		-- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" \
',' \
Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. \
		-- Anatole France \
',' \
			Chapter 1 \
 \
The story so far: \
 \
	In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot \
of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. \
		-- Douglas Adams? \
',' \
	"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which way I \
ought to go from here?" \
	"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. \
	"I don\'t care much where--" said Alice. \
	"Then it doesn\'t matter which way you go," said the Cat. \
',' \
Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. \
		-- Herodotus \
',' \
Coincidences are spiritual puns. \
		-- G.K. Chesterton \
',' \
Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind. \
		-- Erma Bombeck \
',' \
Death is God\'s way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. \
',' \
Death is life\'s way of telling you you\'ve been fired. \
		-- R. Geis \
',' \
Death is Nature\'s way of recycling human beings. \
',' \
Death is nature\'s way of saying `Howdy\'. \
',' \
Death is nature\'s way of telling you to slow down. \
',' \
Death is only a state of mind. \
 \
Only it doesn\'t leave you much time to think about anything else. \
',' \
Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you. \
',' \
Depend on the rabbit\'s foot if you will, but remember, it didn\'t help \
the rabbit. \
		-- R.E. Shay \
',' \
Destiny is a good thing to accept when it\'s going your way. When it isn\'t, \
don\'t call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. \
		-- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" \
',' \
Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. \
		-- Chinese proverb \
',' \
Ditat Deus. \
	[God enriches] \
',' \
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. \
',' \
Do not despair of life.  You have no doubt force enough to overcome your \
obstacles.  Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night \
for something to satisfy his hunger.  Notwithstanding cold and hounds and \
traps, his race survives.  I do not believe any of them ever committed suicide. \
		-- Henry David Thoreau \
',' \
Do not seek death; death will find you.  But seek the road which makes death \
a fulfillment. \
		-- Dag Hammarskjold \
',' \
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. \
',' \
Do what you can to prolong your life, in the hope that someday you\'ll \
learn what it\'s for. \
',' \
	"Do you think there\'s a God?" \
	"Well, ____SOMEbody\'s out to get me!" \
		-- Calvin and Hobbs \
',' \
Do your part to help preserve life on Earth -- by trying to preserve your own. \
',' \
Don\'t abandon hope.  Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. \
',' \
Don\'t abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. \
',' \
Don\'t go to bed with no price on your head. \
		-- Baretta \
',' \
Don\'t have good ideas if you aren\'t willing to be responsible for them. \
',' \
Don\'t kid yourself.  Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. \
',' \
Don\'t let people drive you crazy when you know it\'s in walking distance. \
',' \
Don\'t make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. \
',' \
Don\'t stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. \
',' \
Don\'t take life seriously, you\'ll never get out alive. \
',' \
Doubt isn\'t the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. \
		-- Paul Tillich, German theologian. \
',' \
Down with categorical imperative! \
',' \
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate \
and captain of your soul. \
',' \
During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a fair wind; batten \
down during a storm; hail all passing ships; and fly your colors proudly. \
',' \
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  My advice to you is to have \
nothing whatever to do with it. \
		-- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words \
',' \
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. \
',' \
Each of us bears his own Hell. \
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) \
',' \
Either I\'m dead or my watch has stopped. \
		-- Groucho Marx\'s last words \
',' \
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other\'s funeral. \
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" \
',' \
Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect \
that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers \
and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the \
essential death in which its subject\'s roots are plunged.  The natural \
inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued \
forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters. \
		-- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William \
',' \
Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have \
drawn them there.  What you choose to do with them is up to you. \
		-- Messiah\'s Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul \
',' \
Everything ends badly.  Otherwise it wouldn\'t end. \
',' \
Everything in this book may be wrong. \
		-- Messiah\'s Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul \
',' \
Everything is possible.  Pass the word. \
		-- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" \
',' \
Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. \
		-- Marcus Aurelius \
',' \
Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. \
',' \
Facts are the enemy of truth. \
		-- Don Quixote \
',' \
Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. \
		-- Sir Walter Raleigh \
',' \
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. \
',' \
Faith is under the left nipple. \
		-- Martin Luther \
',' \
Fill what\'s empty, empty what\'s full, scratch where it itches. \
		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth \
',' \
... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. \
"I" do not matter.  No word matters.  But man forgets reality and remembers \
words.  The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. \
He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see \
them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. \
Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he \
knows them in the naming. \
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" \
',' \
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. \
',' \
For good, return good. \
For evil, return justice. \
',' \
For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in \
despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the \
implacable grandeur of this life. \
		-- Albert Camus \
',' \
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! \
',' \
Force has no place where there is need of skill. \
		-- Herodotus \
',' \
FORTUNE\'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 \
	Never goose a wolverine. \
',' \
FORTUNE\'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 \
	Don\'t cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn. \
',' \
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. \
',' \
From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. \
		-- Bertolt Brecht \
',' \
Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. \
		-- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 \
',' \
Getting into trouble is easy. \
		-- D. Winkel and F. Prosser \
',' \
Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back. \
',' \
Given a choice between grief and nothing, I\'d choose grief. \
		-- William Faulkner \
',' \
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to \
change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. \
',' \
God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions. \
		-- De Caussade \
',' \
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. \
		-- Alfred Jarry \
',' \
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. \
		-- Paul Valery \
',' \
Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored. \
		-- George Saunders\' dying words \
',' \
Goodbye, cool world. \
',' \
Got a dictionary?  I want to know the meaning of life. \
',' \
Great acts are made up of small deeds. \
		-- Lao Tsu \
',' \
****  GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE \
 \
For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. Tired of \
being genuine all the time?  Would you like to learn how to be a little \
phony again?  Have you disclosed so much that you\'re beginning to avoid \
people? Have you touched so many people that they\'re all beginning to \
feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? Are perfect orgasms \
beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, not to express a \
feeling?  Or better yet, not be in touch with it at all?  Come to us.  We \
promise to relieve you of the burden of your great potential. \
',' \
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. \
		-- Ogden Nash \
',' \
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. \
',' \
Happiness isn\'t having what you want, it\'s wanting what you have. \
',' \
Happiness isn\'t something you experience; it\'s something you remember. \
		-- Oscar Levant \
',' \
Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. \
		-- Socrates \
',' \
He has shown you, o man, what is good.  And what does the Lord ask of you, \
but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly before your God? \
',' \
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another\'s mishap. \
',' \
He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. \
		-- Sir Richard Burton \
',' \
He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. \
		-- B. Franklin \
',' \
He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than \
three hundred years ago. "What is the \'Body of a rock\'?" he was asked. \
In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by \
slashing his abdomen with a knife.  Just as the pupil was about to comply, \
the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the \'Body of a rock\'." \
		-- Eric Van Lustbader \
',' \
He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for \
the human condition is a fool. \
		-- Albert Camus \
',' \
He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant.  Teach him. \
He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool.  Shun him. \
He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep.  Wake him. \
',' \
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. \
But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. \
And he who knows someone whose friend\'s wife\'s brother knows nothing, \
	he knows something.  Or something like that. \
',' \
He who knows others is wise. \
He who knows himself is enlightened. \
		-- Lao Tsu \
',' \
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. \
		-- Lao Tsu \
',' \
He who knows, does not speak.  He who speaks, does not know. \
		-- Lao Tsu \
',' \
	...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither \
does he hate it.  Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to \
combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is \
self-propagating. \
		-- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" \
',' \
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: \
if you\'re alive, it isn\'t. \
',' \
How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our \
thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another \
in the waking state? \
		-- Plato \
',' \
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. \
		-- William Allen White \
',' \
I didn\'t believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives.  I don\'t see why \
I should have to believe in it in this one. \
		-- Strange de Jim \
',' \
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or \
whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. \
		-- Chuang-tzu \
',' \
I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them. \
I ask nothing but sincerity.  If they come out of habit, they become tiresome. \
		-- I Ching \
',' \
"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very \
reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." \
		-- Gotama Buddha \
',' \
I hate dying. \
		-- Dave Johnson \
',' \
I have a simple philosophy: \
 \
	Fill what\'s empty. \
	Empty what\'s full. \
	Scratch where it itches. \
		-- A. R. Longworth \
',' \
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. \
		-- Publilius Syrus \
',' \
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. \
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" \
',' \
I hope you\'re not pretending to be evil while secretly being good. \
That would be dishonest. \
',' \
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! \
',' \
I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a \
living death? \
		-- St. Augustine \
',' \
	"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of \
that is -- `Be what you would seem to be\' -- or, if you\'d like it put \
more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it \
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not \
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be \
otherwise.\'" \
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" \
',' \
If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a \
guru at all? \
		-- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" \
',' \
If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. \
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche \
',' \
If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his \
reverence for all of life. \
		-- Albert Schweitzer \
',' \
If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. \
Trouble creates a capacity to handle it.  I don\'t say embrace trouble; that\'s \
as bad as treating it as an enemy.  But I do say meet it as a friend, for \
you\'ll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it. \
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. \
',' \
If I had my life to live over, I\'d try to make more mistakes next time.  I \
would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this \
trip.  I know of very few things I would take seriously.  I would be crazier. \
I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets.  I\'d \
travel and see.  I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. \
You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly \
and sanely, hour after hour, day after day.  Oh, I have had my moments and, \
if I had it to do over again, I\'d have more of them.  In fact, I\'d try to \
have nothing else.  Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many \
years ahead each day.  I have been one of those people who never go anywhere \
without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. \
If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel \
lighter than I have.  If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed \
earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.  I would play hooky \
more.  I probably wouldn\'t make such good grades, but I\'d learn more.  I would \
ride on more merry-go-rounds.  I\'d pick more daisies. \
',' \
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women \
you\'ve got in the house. \
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist\'s Almanac" \
',' \
If men are not afraid to die, \
it is of no avail to threaten them with death. \
 \
If men live in constant fear of dying, \
And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, \
Who will dare to break the law? \
 \
There is always an official executioner. \
If you try to take his place, \
It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. \
If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, \
	you will only hurt your hand. \
		-- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74" \
',' \
If something has not yet gone wrong then it would ultimately have been \
beneficial for it to go wrong. \
',' \
If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have \
been wasted. \
',' \
If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. \
		-- Anatole France \
',' \
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, \
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. \
 \
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure \
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. \
',' \
If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing \
of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur \
of this life. \
		-- Albert Camus \
',' \
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed. \
',' \
If we don\'t survive, we don\'t do anything else. \
		-- John Sinclair \
',' \
If you are not for yourself, who will be for you? \
If you are for yourself, then what are you? \
If not now, when? \
',' \
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. \
',' \
If you find a solution and become attached to it, the solution may become \
your next problem. \
',' \
If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break. \
',' \
If you have to hate, hate gently. \
',' \
If you have to think twice about it, you\'re wrong. \
',' \
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. \
',' \
If you live long enough, you\'ll see that every victory turns into a defeat. \
		-- Simone de Beauvoir \
',' \
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. \
		-- Maslow \
',' \
If you put it off long enough, it might go away. \
',' \
If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it. \
',' \
If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having done its damage. \
If it was bad, it will be back. \
',' \
If you want divine justice, die. \
		-- Nick Seldon \
',' \
If your aim in life is nothing, you can\'t miss. \
',' \
If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do \
have a problem. \
		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions" \
',' \
Illusion is the first of all pleasures. \
		-- Voltaire \
',' \
Immortality -- a fate worse than death. \
		-- Edgar A. Shoaff \
',' \
In dwelling, be close to the land. \
In meditation, delve deep into the heart. \
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. \
In speech, be true. \
In work, be competent. \
In action, be careful of your timing. \
		-- Lao Tsu \
',' \
In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; \
you\'re what\'s left. \
',' \
In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. \
It is not always an easy sacrifice. \
',' \
In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. \
		-- Ann Frank \
',' \
In the long run we are all dead. \
		-- John Maynard Keynes \
',' \
In the next world, you\'re on your own. \
',' \
Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as \
`all life is suffering,\' is more accurately rendered `life is filled \
with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.\' \
		-- M.D. Epstein \
',' \
Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. \
		-- Edgar W. Howe \
',' \
Intellect annuls Fate. \
So far as a man thinks, he is free. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson \
',' \
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations. \
',' \
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is \
lightly greased. \
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" \
',' \
It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man\'s life. \
',' \
It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, \
that makes life blessed. \
		-- Goethe \
',' \
It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live \
at all.  And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result \
is the only thing that makes the result come true. \
		-- William James \
',' \
It is only with the heart one can see clearly; what is essential is \
invisible to the eye. \
		-- The Fox, \'The Little Prince" \
',' \
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly \
ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle? \
',' \
It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the \
devil when he is the only explanation of it. \
		-- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight" \
',' \
It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works \
and has his being. \
		-- Thomas Carlyle \
',' \
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on \
the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. \
',' \
It\'s easier to take it apart than to put it back together. \
		-- Washlesky \
',' \
It\'s hard to drive at the limit, but it\'s harder to know where the limits are. \
		-- Stirling Moss \
',' \
It\'s not reality that\'s important, but how you perceive things. \
',' \
	"It\'s today!" said Piglet. \
	"My favorite day," said Pooh. \
',' \
It\'s very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never know when everything may \
suddenly stop happening. \
',' \
Joshu:	What is the true Way? \
Nansen:	Every way is the true Way. \
J:	Can I study it? \
N:	The more you study, the further from the Way. \
J:	If I don\'t study it, how can I know it? \
N:	The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. \
	It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown.  Do \
	not seek it, study it, or name it.  To find yourself on it, open \
	yourself as wide as the sky. \
',' \
Just remember, wherever you go, there you are. \
		-- Buckaroo Bonzai \
',' \
Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. \
		-- Muad\'dib [Frank Herbert, "Dune"] \
',' \
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness. \
		-- James Thurber \
',' \
Life can be so tragic -- you\'re here today and here tomorrow. \
',' \
Life exists for no known purpose. \
',' \
Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. \
		-- Helen Keller \
',' \
Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line. \
',' \
Life is like a 10 speed bicycle.  Most of us have gears we never use. \
		-- C. Schultz \
',' \
Life is like a sewer.  What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. \
		-- Tom Lehrer \
',' \
Life is the childhood of our immortality. \
		-- Goethe \
',' \
Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don\'t do. \
		-- Joseph Pintauro \
',' \
Life is the urge to ecstasy. \
',' \
Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, it may have a meaning of which \
you disapprove. \
',' \
Life only demands from you the strength you possess. \
Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. \
		-- Dag Hammarskjold \
',' \
Life sucks, but death doesn\'t put out at all. \
		-- Thomas J. Kopp \
',' \
Like, if I\'m not for me, then fer shure, like who will be?  And if, y\'know, \
if I\'m not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I?  And if not \
now, like I dunno, maybe like when?  And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe \
like the Rolling Stones? \
		-- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel\'s paraphrase of famous quote \
		   attributed to Rabbi Hillel.) \
',' \
Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is \
published around the world -- even if what is published is not true. \
		-- Messiah\'s Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul \
',' \
Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat like having bees \
live in your head.  But, there they are. \
',' \
Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. \
',' \
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and \
long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his \
pain and his aloneness without regret? \
		-- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet" \
',' \
Man\'s reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens? \
',' \
[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment \
where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand \
more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. \
		-- S. Kierkegaard \
',' \
Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked him \
how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. \
The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. \
',' \
	Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, \
and how to be, I learned in kindergarten.  Wisdom was not at the top of the \
graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school. \
	These are the things I learned:  Share everything.  Play fair.  Don\'t \
hit people.  Put things back where you found them.  Clean up your own mess. \
Don\'t take things that aren\'t yours.   Say you\'re sorry when you hurt someone. \
Wash your hands before you eat.  Flush.  Warm cookies and cold milk are good \
for you.  Live a balanced life.  Learn some and think some and draw and paint \
and sing and dance and play and work some every day. \
	Take a nap every afternoon.  When you go out into the world, watch for \
traffic, hold hands, and stick together.  Be aware of wonder.  Remember the \
little seed in the plastic cup.   The roots go down and the plant goes up and \
nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.  Goldfish and \
hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all \
die.  So do we. \
	And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you \
learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK.  Everything you need to know is in \
there somewhere.  The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation.  Ecology and \
politics and sane living. \
	Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world \
-- had cookies and milk about 3 o\'clock every afternoon and then lay down with \
our blankets for a nap.  Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other \
nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own \
messes.  And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into \
the world it is best to hold hands and stick together. \
		-- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned \
		   in kindergarten" \
',' \
Murphy was an optimist. \
',' \
Murphy\'s Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn\'t work. \
',' \
Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. \
		-- Lao Tsu \
',' \
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior \
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive \
with our frail and feeble mind. \
		-- Albert Einstein \
',' \
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. \
		-- Christopher Morley \
',' \
Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity.  The servant said \
"My master is out."  Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he \
goes out, he should not leave his face at the window.  Someone might steal it." \
',' \
Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers \
gathered around to hear what had passed.  "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I \
only want to say that the King spoke to me."  All the villagers but the \
stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news.  The remaining villager \
asked, "What did the King say to you?"  "What he said -- and quite distinctly, \
for everyone to hear -- was \'Get out of my way!\'" The simpleton was overjoyed; \
he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they \
were spoken to. \
',' \
Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve \
him.  Nasrudin said, "First things first.  Did you see me walk into your \
shop?" \
	"Of course." \
	"Have you ever seen me before?" \
	"Never." \
	"Then how do you know it was me?" \
',' \
Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful \
than the sun." \
	"Why?", he was asked. \
	"Because at night we need the light more." \
',' \
Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. \
Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from his \
hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!  You \
have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?" \
',' \
Ninety percent of everything is crap. \
		-- Theodore Sturgeon \
',' \
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. \
The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much. \
		-- Augustine \
',' \
No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the \
Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, \
Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if \
a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes \
me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know \
for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. \
		-- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland" \
',' \
No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". \
',' \
No use getting too involved in life -- you\'re only here for a limited time. \
',' \
Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. \
',' \
Nonsense and beauty have close connections. \
		-- E.M. Forster \
',' \
Normal times may possibly be over forever. \
',' \
Not every question deserves an answer. \
',' \
Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood. \
',' \
Nothing is as simple as it seems at first \
	Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle \
		Or as finished as it seems in the end. \
',' \
Nothing is but what is not. \
',' \
Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. \
',' \
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. \
		-- Michel de Montaigne \
',' \
Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. \
		-- Arthur Balfour \
',' \
Of all men\'s miseries, the bitterest is this: \
to know so much and have control over nothing. \
		-- Herodotus \
',' \
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it\'s hard to get it back in. \
		-- H.R. Haldeman \
',' \
	Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great \
crystal river.  Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs \
and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and \
resisting the current what each had learned from birth.  But one creature \
said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going.  I shall \
let go, and let it take me where it will.  Clinging, I shall die of boredom." \
	The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool!  Let go, and that current \
you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will \
die quicker than boredom!" \
	But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at \
once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.  Yet, in time, \
as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the \
bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. \
	And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See \
a miracle!  A creature like ourselves, yet he flies!  See the Messiah, come \
to save us all!"  And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more \
Messiah than you.  The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. \
Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. \
	But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the \
rocks, making legends of a Saviour. \
		-- Richard Bach \
',' \
Once you\'ve tried to change the world you find it\'s a whole bunch easier \
to change your mind. \
',' \
	One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached \
an enlightened state.  Much impressed by this news, several of his peers \
went to speak with him. \
	"We have heard that you are enlightened.  Is this true?" his fellow \
students inquired. \
	"It is", Kyogen answered. \
	"Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?" \
	"As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen. \
',' \
One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the \
truth.  A gallows was erected in front of the city gates.  A herald announced, \
"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question \
which will be put to him."  Nasrudin was first in line.  The captain of the \
guard asked him, "Where are you going?  Tell the truth -- the alternative \
is death by hanging." \
	"I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." \
	"I don\'t believe you." \
	"Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" \
	"But that would make it the truth!" \
	"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." \
',' \
One learns to itch where one can scratch. \
		-- Ernest Bramah \
',' \
One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it. \
',' \
One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it \
live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, I\'ll tell you." \
',' \
Only that in you which is me can hear what I\'m saying. \
		-- Baba Ram Dass \
',' \
Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about \
can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. \
		-- Lao Tsu \
',' \
Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better. \
		-- Laurie Anderson \
',' \
Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but \
when there is no longer anything to take away. \
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery \
',' \
Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway. \
',' \
Philosophy will clip an angel\'s wings. \
		-- John Keats \
',' \
Push where it gives and scratch where it itches. \
',' \
Reality always seems harsher in the early morning. \
',' \
Reality does not exist -- yet. \
',' \
Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? \
		-- Patrick Sky \
',' \
Reality is for people who lack imagination. \
',' \
Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. \
		-- Alvy Ray Smith \
',' \
Reality is just a crutch for people who can\'t handle science fiction. \
',' \
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. \
	-- Lily Tomlin \
',' \
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn\'t go away". \
		-- Philip K. Dick \
',' \
Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over \
the first one. \
		-- Confusion \
',' \
Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. \
',' \
Seeing is believing.  You wouldn\'t have seen it if you hadn\'t believed it. \
',' \
Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, \
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well \
burst out in laughter. \
		-- Long Chen Pa \
',' \
So little time, so little to do. \
		-- Oscar Levant \
',' \
Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. \
		-- Seneca \
',' \
Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. \
',' \
Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by \
no means the only \'certain\' standard.  If you mistake what is relative for \
something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. \
		-- Chuang Tzu \
',' \
Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; \
The deed there is, but no doer thereof; \
Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; \
The Path there is, but none who travel it. \
		-- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values \
',' \
Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes \
a-begging. \
		-- Martin Luther \
',' \
Take your dying with some seriousness, however.  Laughing on the way to \
your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, \
and they\'ll call you crazy. \
		-- "Messiah\'s Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" \
',' \
That that is is that that is not is not. \
',' \
That, that is, is. \
That, that is not, is not. \
That, that is, is not that, that is not. \
That, that is not, is not that, that is. \
',' \
The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. \
		-- A. Camus \
',' \
The best you get is an even break. \
		-- Franklin Adams \
',' \
"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain." \
		-- G. Fitch \
',' \
The chief cause of problems is solutions. \
		-- Eric Sevareid \
',' \
The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. \
		-- Alfred Adler \
',' \
The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. \
',' \
The door is the key. \
',' \
The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, \
the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its \
own capacity. ...  Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god \
of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god \
of the center.  Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together \
what they could do to repay his kindness.  They had noticed that, whereas \
everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and \
so on, Chaos had none.  So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes \
in him.  Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died. \
		-- Chuang Tzu \
',' \
The farther you go, the less you know. \
		-- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching" \
',' \
The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. \
		-- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante" \
',' \
The first requisite for immortality is death. \
		-- Stanislaw Lem \
',' \
The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. \
		-- Sophocles \
',' \
The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. \
		-- Marcus Terentius Varro \
',' \
The major sin is the sin of being born. \
		-- Samuel Beckett \
',' \
The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice \
and tragedy.  What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the \
master calls a butterfly. \
		-- Messiah\'s Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul \
',' \
The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and \
robbers there will be. \
		-- Lao Tsu \
',' \
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. \
',' \
The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk. \
',' \
The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably \
not true.  It is the chief occupation of mankind. \
		-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. \
',' \
The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. \
The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may \
experience it as such.  Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and \
thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid.  Whoever \
could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very \
swift.  Thinking of oneself gives little happiness.  If, however, one feels \
much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of \
oneself but of one\'s ideal.  This is far, and only the swift shall reach \
it and are delighted. \
		-- Nietzsche \
',' \
The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, \
and the pessimist knows it. \
		-- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists" \
 \
Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking \
almost gently.  The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all \
possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. \
		-- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" \
',' \
The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: \
"Let our thoughts be correct". \
		-- Confucius \
',' \
The price of success in philosophy is triviality. \
		-- C. Glymour. \
',' \
The questions remain the same.  The answers are eternally variable. \
',' \
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but \
that\'s the way to bet. \
		-- Damon Runyon \
',' \
The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, \
but not when it misses. \
		-- Francis Bacon \
',' \
The savior becomes the victim. \
',' \
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. \
',' \
The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. \
		-- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices" \
',' \
The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height \
but just above the ground.  It seems more designed to make people stumble \
than to be walked upon. \
		-- Franz Kafka \
',' \
The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. \
		-- Lenny Bruce \
',' \
The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. \
		-- Stanley Kubrick \
',' \
The truth you speak has no past and no future.  It is, and that\'s all it \
needs to be. \
',' \
The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. \
It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. \
You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. \
		-- Messiah\'s Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul \
',' \
There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. \
		-- Baba Ram Dass \
',' \
There are no winners in life, only survivors. \
',' \
There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of \
discovering them over and over and over. \
		-- David Nichols \
',' \
There is more to life than increasing its speed. \
		-- Mahatma Gandhi \
',' \
There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering. \
		-- Cato \
',' \
There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. \
		-- George Santayana \
',' \
There is no sin but ignorance. \
		-- Christopher Marlowe \
',' \
There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said \
a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. \
	"And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with \
an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. \
	"I could have answered it if I had been there." \
	"Very well.  He asked, \'Why are you breaking into my house in \
the middle of the night?\'" \
',' \
There\'s only one everything. \
',' \
To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. \
To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. \
',' \
To give happiness is to deserve happiness. \
',' \
To give of yourself, you must first know yourself. \
',' \
To have died once is enough. \
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) \
',' \
To lead people, you must follow behind. \
		-- Lao Tsu \
',' \
Truth has no special time of its own.  Its hour is now -- always. \
		-- Albert Schweitzer \
',' \
Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. \
',' \
Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy \
of him that brought her birth. \
		-- Milton \
',' \
Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate.  The first man said, \
"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said, \
"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour \
trying to bite his own ear.  He succeeded only in falling over and bruising \
his forehead.  Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the \
man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and \
the case is dismissed.  If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it \
and must pay three silver pieces." \
',' \
Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, \
with all due respect for their breakfast.  "I wonder why it is that \
toast always falls on the buttered side," said one. \
	"Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing.  Look \
at this."  And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the \
dry side. \
	"So, what have you to say for your theory now?" \
	"What am I to say?  You obviously buttered the wrong side." \
',' \
Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. \
		-- Euripides \
',' \
We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. \
		-- Yates \
',' \
We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. \
		-- Margaret Mead \
',' \
We have only two things to worry about:  That things will never get \
back to normal, and that they already have. \
',' \
We have reason to be afraid.  This is a terrible place. \
		-- John Berryman \
',' \
We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, \
content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. \
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) \
',' \
We\'re all in this alone. \
		-- Lily Tomlin \
',' \
We\'re mortal -- which is to say, we\'re ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- \
but those are only handicaps.  Our pride is that nevertheless, now and \
then, we do our best.  A few times we succeed.  What more dare we ask for? \
		-- Ensign Flandry \
',' \
"We\'re not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is \
weird because if you\'re not bored with it you\'re at odds with it. For me \
the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, \
unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept \
responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous \
desert, in this marvelous time.  I wanted to convince you that you must \
learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a \
short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." \
		-- Don Juan \
',' \
	Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines \
of Science seemed to offer much hope, it\'s time to go beyond them... \
	Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced \
only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen.  In it his mind floated freely, \
able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, \
undistracted by any outside disturbances.  Logical structures no longer \
inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. \
All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, \
became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships \
not evident to ordinary vision.  Like beads strung on a string of their own \
meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by \
all.  Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming \
all others.  And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, \
destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. \
	Time passed, unheeded. \
	Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and \
Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. \
		-- Wayfarer \
',' \
Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are. \
		-- Buckaroo Banzai \
',' \
"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no \
wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred." \
		-- The Mahabharata. \
',' \
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. \
		-- Nietzsche \
',' \
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there\'s nothing \
to compare it with. \
',' \
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? \
		-- Ursula K. LeGuin \
',' \
What we Are is God\'s gift to us. \
What we Become is our gift to God. \
',' \
Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. \
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche \
',' \
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. \
		-- Gandhi \
',' \
When it\'s dark enough you can see the stars. \
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, \
',' \
When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is \
metaphysics. \
		-- Voltaire \
',' \
When the wind is great, bow before it; \
when the wind is heavy, yield to it. \
',' \
When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later \
something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend \
your parents\' limitations...  At the same time, you feel sure that in all \
the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a \
vital something that can be known -- known and grasped.  That we will \
eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent \
narrative.  So that then one\'s true life -- the point of everything -- \
will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension. \
But it isn\'t like that at all.  But if it isn\'t, where did the idea come \
from, to torture and unsettle us? \
		-- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer" \
',' \
When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. \
		-- Brooke Shields \
',' \
Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. \
		-- Lao Tsu \
',' \
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. \
		-- J. Winter Smith \
',' \
Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list. \
',' \
[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying \
hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. \
		-- Proverbs 3:18, NSV \
',' \
With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance. \
',' \
Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder. \
		-- Socrates, quoting Plato \
	[Huh?  That\'s like Johnson quoting Boswell] \
',' \
	Work Hard. \
	Rock Hard. \
	Eat Hard. \
	Sleep Hard. \
	Grow Big. \
	Wear Glasses If You Need \'Em. \
		-- The Webb Wilder Credo \
',' \
Yes, but which self do you want to be? \
',' \
You are never given a wish without also being given the \
power to make it true.  You may have to work for it, however. \
		-- R. Bach, "Messiah\'s Handbook : Reminders for \
		   the Advanced Soul" \
',' \
You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. \
		-- Tim Leary \
',' \
You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. \
',' \
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. \
',' \
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. \
		-- Jeannette Rankin \
',' \
You can observe a lot just by watching. \
		-- Yogi Berra \
',' \
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. \
',' \
You can\'t get there from here. \
',' \
You can\'t mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane. \
',' \
You can\'t push on a string. \
',' \
You can\'t run away forever, \
But there\'s nothing wrong with getting a good head start. \
		-- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through" \
',' \
"You can\'t survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten." \
		-- Charles Schulz, "Things I\'ve Had to Learn Over and \
		   Over and Over" \
',' \
You can\'t take it with you -- especially when crossing a state line. \
',' \
You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads \
lead down. \
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" \
',' \
You have all eternity to be cautious in when you\'re dead. \
		-- Lois Platford \
',' \
You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. \
If you want to get anywhere, you\'ll have to run much faster. \
		-- Lewis Carroll \
',' \
	"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you \
any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you \
fit to hear his view of things?" \
	"Quite the contrary.  You must defend your integrity, assuming \
you have integrity to defend.  But you must defend it nobly, not by \
imitating his own low behavior.  If you are gentle where he is rough, \
if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as \
potentially worthy.  If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, \
and you may feel free to kick his ass." \
		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" \
',' \
You will always find something in the last place you look. \
',' \
"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said.  "Anything that seems \
of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. \
Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. \
Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important, \
give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less \
momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method.  You will strengthen \
yourself in this way." \
		-- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman" \
',' \
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. \
',' \
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true. \
',' \
Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself.  Being \
true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the \
mark of a fake messiah.  The simplest questions are the most profound. \
Where were you born?  Where is your home?  Where are you going?  What \
are you doing?  Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers \
change. \
		-- Messiah\'s Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul \
',' \
Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. \
',' \
Your wig steers the gig. \
		-- Lord Buckley \
',' \
(1)	Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the \
	furniture, shelves, and showcases. \
(2)	Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. \
	Wash the windows once a week. \
(3)	Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of \
	coal for the day\'s business. \
(4)	Make your pens carefully.  You may whittle nibs to your \
	individual taste. \
(5)	This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except \
	on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed.  Each \
	employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending \
	church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. \
		-- "Office Worker\'s Guide", New England Carriage \
		    Works, 1872 \
',' \
(6)	Men employees will be given time off each week for courting \
	purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. \
(7)	After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the \
	office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible \
	and other good books. \
(8)	Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly \
	sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, \
	so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. \
(9)	Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink \
	in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets \
	shaved in a barber\'s shop, will give me good reason to suspect \
	his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. \
(10)	The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and \
	without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of \
	five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the \
	business permit it. \
		-- "Office Worker\'s Guide", New England Carriage Works, 1872 \
',' \
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and \
ask for it back the when it begins to rain. \
		-- Robert Frost \
',' \
A boss with no humor is like a job that\'s no fun. \
',' \
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well \
as afterward. \
',' \
A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. \
		-- Paul Valery \
',' \
A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. \
		-- Milton Berle \
',' \
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. \
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" \
',' \
A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the \
seed from which other committees will bloom. \
		-- Parkinson \
',' \
A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. \
		-- R. Stallman \
',' \
A company is known by the men it keeps. \
',' \
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it \
is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. \
',' \
A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. \
		-- Dyer \
',' \
A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased \
in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at \
each corner.  The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting \
and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device.  Here also are \
the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. \
	At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as \
well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller.  The central portion \
houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit.  Briefly, this consists of four \
fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network \
of flexible plumbing.  This assembly also contains the central heating plant \
complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main \
ventilating system.  The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of \
this central section. \
	Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and \
colors.  Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year.  In \
brief, the main external visible features of the cow are:  two lookers, two \
hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy. \
',' \
A feed salesman is on his way to a farm.  As he\'s driving along at forty \
m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running \
alongside him, keeping pace with his car.  He is amazed that a chicken is \
running at forty m.p.h.  So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty \
m.p.h.  The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly \
takes off and disappears into the distance. \
	The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know, \
the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least \
sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!" \
	"Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours.  You see, there\'s \
me, and there\'s Ma, and there\'s our son Billy.  Whenever we had chicken for \
dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we\'d have to kill two chickens. \
So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could \
have a drumstick." \
	"How do they taste?" said the farmer. \
	"Don\'t know," replied the farmer.  "We haven\'t been able to catch \
one yet." \
',' \
A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. \
		-- Robert Benchley \
',' \
A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. \
',' \
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while \
the policeman searches you. \
',' \
A man is known by the company he organizes. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. \
',' \
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. \
		-- Dean Acheson \
',' \
A motion to adjourn is always in order. \
',' \
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. \
',' \
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. \
Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now \
has no excuse for further procrastination. \
',' \
A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite. \
',' \
... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you \
were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn\'t you were a shyster, a piker and \
a fly-by-night.  These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle \
Bigger Propositions.  But they didn\'t imply that you were to be impractical \
and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot \
that he didn\'t force you down on the asking price. \
		-- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt" \
',' \
A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three \
wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. \
Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer \
sitting in the yard watching the pig.   \
	"That\'s quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.  \
	"Sure is, son," the farmer replied.  "Why, two years ago, my daughter \
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that \
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." \
	"Amazing!"  the salesman exlaimed. \
	"And that\'s not the only thing.  Last fall I was cuttin\' wood up on \
the north forty when a tree fell on me.  Pinned me to the ground, it did.   \
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. \
Saved my life." \
	"Fantastic!  the salesman said.  But tell me, how come the pig has \
three wooden legs?" \
	The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement.  "Mister, when you  \
got an amazin\' pig like that, you don\'t eat him all at once." \
',' \
A verbal contract isn\'t worth the paper it\'s written on. \
		-- Samuel Goldwyn \
',' \
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. \
		-- Herbert Hoover \
',' \
According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something \
everyone should do at least 6 times a day.  In an effort to increase the \
national average  (the US ranks third among the world\'s superpowers in \
smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and \
most importantly, to smile.  Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly \
that they can not only meet but surpass the national average...  except for \
Tubby Ackerman.  But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around \
parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox \
decided to give him a break.  If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have \
a sheepish grin.  This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly \
sheepish grin" comes from. \
',' \
According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the \
earlier reports. \
',' \
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest \
way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. \
		-- Sinclair Lewis \
',' \
Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. \
		-- George Orwell \
',' \
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human \
intelligence long enough to get money from it. \
',' \
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. \
',' \
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the \
month than you did before. \
',' \
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can\'t make me happy. \
',' \
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, \
provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you subscribe \
to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the \
cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief \
Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you \
going to read the paper?  Outside?  What if it rains?" \
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" \
',' \
All this big deal about white collar crime -- what\'s WRONG with white collar \
crime?  Who enjoys his job today?  You?  Me?  Anybody?  The only satisfying \
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time.  Years ago \
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more \
important jobs to come.  Once you can be sold the myth that you may make \
president of the company you\'ll hardly ever steal stamps.  But nobody  \
believes he\'s going to be president anymore.  The more people change jobs \
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for \
a living and total stupefying boredom.  So why NOT take revenge?  You\'re not \
going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his \
home stationery carries the company emblem.  Take away crime from the white \
collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest. \
		-- J. Feiffer \
',' \
All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn\'t for money, it\'s for fun. \
Money\'s just the way we keep score. \
		-- Henry Tyroon \
',' \
All warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice. \
',' \
America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" \
',' \
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees \
be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for employees who are \
educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men\'s room and \
the women\'s room without having little pictures on the doors. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" \
',' \
An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director\'s \
chance to kiss the tea-girl.  It is the tea-girl\'s chance to kiss the \
Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone \
who has seen the Managing Director face on). \
		-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout" \
',' \
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn\'t the work he is supposed  \
to be doing at the moment. \
		-- Robert Benchley \
',' \
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. \
		-- Publius Syrus \
',' \
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with none. \
',' \
Anything free is worth what you pay for it. \
',' \
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn\'t.  The label means the \
price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" \
means the price went way up. \
',' \
"At least they\'re ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents" \
',' \
At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. \
		-- Peter G. Alaquon \
',' \
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the \
number of pens that person is carrying. \
',' \
Be sociable. Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow. \
',' \
Been Transferred Lately? \
',' \
... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech \
or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility.  What \
did it matter what anyone knew or ignored?  What did it matter who was \
manager?  One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of \
this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my \
power of meddling. \
		-- Joseph Conrad \
',' \
Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson \
Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. \
Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and \
great effort pushing boulders into a single word. \
 \
It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. \
Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin \
equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the \
destruction of this cairn, that wouldn\'t alert the press and embarrass \
both Parliament and Party. \
 \
It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other \
planets, this may be the first message received from us. \
		-- The Realist, November, 1964. \
',' \
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather \
a new wearer of clothes. \
		-- Henry David Thoreau \
',' \
Biz is better. \
',' \
Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. \
',' \
Bullwinkle:	You just leave that to my pal.  He\'s the brains of the outfit. \
General:	What does that make YOU? \
Bullwinkle:	What else?  An executive. \
		-- Jay Ward \
',' \
Business is a good game -- lots of competition and minimum of rules. \
You keep score with money. \
		-- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari \
',' \
Business will be either better or worse. \
		-- Calvin Coolidge \
',' \
"But don\'t you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations\' paws." \
',' \
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a \
brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and \
lived in New Jersey.  Edison\'s first major invention in 1877, was the \
phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where \
it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented.  But Edison\'s \
greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. \
Edison\'s design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: \
the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then \
immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is \
the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. \
 \
This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of \
electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few \
customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the \
last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937; \
the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is \
why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases. \
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" \
',' \
	By the middle 1880\'s, practically all the roads except those in \
the South, were of the present standard gauge.  The southern roads were \
still five feet between rails. \
	It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, \
in one day.  This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May \
of 1886.  For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the \
axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which \
could run on the new track as soon as it was ready.  Finally, on the day set, \
great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn.  Everywhere one \
rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its \
new position.  By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate \
over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere \
was possible. \
		-- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957 \
',' \
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be \
boss and work twelve. \
		-- Robert Frost \
',' \
Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce? \
',' \
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun. \
',' \
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. \
Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, \
mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes. \
',' \
Chairman of the Bored. \
',' \
Column 1		Column 2		Column 3 \
 \
0. integrated		0. management		0. options \
1. total		1. organizational	1. flexibility \
2. systematized		2. monitored		2. capability \
3. parallel		3. reciprocal		3. mobility \
4. functional		4. digital		4. programming \
5. responsive		5. logistical		5. concept \
6. optional		6. transitional		6. time-phase \
7. synchronized		7. incremental		7. projection \
8. compatible		8. third-generation	8. hardware \
9. balanced		9. policy		9. contingency \
 \
	The procedure is simple.  Think of any three-digit number, then select \
the corresponding buzzword from each column.  For instance, number 257 produces \
"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into \
virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority.  "No \
one will have the remotest idea of what you\'re talking about," says Broughton, \
"but the important thing is that they\'re not about to admit it." \
		-- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" \
',' \
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to \
be appointed to do the work. \
',' \
Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of \
the beholder. \
		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter \
',' \
Competitive fury is not always anger.  It is the true missionary\'s courage \
and zeal in facing the possibility that one\'s best may not be enough. \
		-- Gene Scott \
',' \
... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this \
business, it probably would be gibberish. \
		-- Thom McLeod \
',' \
"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I\'m rich." \
		-- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] \
',' \
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to \
stick to one thing till it gets there. \
		-- Josh Billings \
',' \
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then \
give it back to them. \
',' \
Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man\'s confidence in man. \
		-- James Blish \
',' \
Dealing with failure is easy: \
	Work hard to improve. \
Success is also easy to handle: \
	You\'ve solved the wrong problem. \
	Work hard to improve. \
',' \
Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, \
all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. \
		-- C.N. Parkinson \
',' \
Dear Lord: \
	I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On \
the other hand", again. \
',' \
Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? \
 \
Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs \
to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: \
WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK\'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM\'S. \
Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered \
small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random \
words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG\'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG\'S. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer\'s" \
',' \
Despite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being. \
',' \
	"Do you think what we\'re doing is wrong?" \
	"Of course it\'s wrong!  It\'s illegal!" \
	"I\'ve never done anything illegal before." \
	"I thought you said you were an accountant!" \
',' \
Don\'t be irreplaceable, if you can\'t be replaced, you can\'t be promoted. \
',' \
Don\'t steal; thou\'lt never thus compete successfully in business.  Cheat. \
		-- Ambrose Bierce \
',' \
Don\'t tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done. \
		-- James J. Ling \
',' \
"Don\'t tell me I\'m burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to \
get more wax!!" \
',' \
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. \
',' \
Drilling for oil is boring. \
',' \
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. \
',' \
Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. \
	"Ever since they threatened to fire me." \
',' \
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you \
just how busy they are? \
',' \
Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium. \
',' \
"Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95." \
',' \
Every man thinks God is on his side.  The rich and powerful know that he is. \
		-- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark" \
',' \
Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.  It knows it must run faster \
than the fastest lion or it will be killed.  Every morning a lion wakes up. \
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. \
It doesn\'t matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes \
up, you\'d better be running. \
',' \
"Every morning, I get up and look through the \'Forbes\' list of the \
richest people in America.  If I\'m not there, I go to work" \
		-- Robert Orben \
',' \
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no \
guarantee of eventual success. \
',' \
Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is \
the best one. \
		-- Jack Hurley \
',' \
Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that \
called for a small employee contribution.  The company was paying all \
the rest.  Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; \
otherwise the plan was off.  Sam\'s boss and his fellow workers pleaded \
and cajoled, but to no avail.  Sam said the plan would never pay off. \
Finally the company president called Sam into his office. \
	"Sam," he said, "here\'s a copy of the new pension plan and here\'s \
a pen.  I want you to sign the papers.  I\'m sorry, but if you don\'t sign, \
you\'re fired.  As of right now." \
	Sam signed the papers immediately. \
	"Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you \
couldn\'t have signed earlier?" \
	"Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so \
clearly before." \
',' \
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. \
		-- Arthur Miller \
',' \
Everyone who comes in here wants three things: \
	(1) They want it quick. \
	(2) They want it good. \
	(3) They want it cheap. \
I tell \'em to pick two and call me back. \
		-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company \
',' \
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. \
		-- Miller \
',' \
Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a \
customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: \
 \
Support:  "You\'re not our only customer, you know." \
Customer: "But we\'re one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." \
',' \
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do \
the work. \
		-- John G. Pollard \
',' \
	Exxon\'s \'Universe of Energy\' tends to the peculiar rather than the \
humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and \
rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the \
seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. \
The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face. \
	"One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to \
aggravate illusions.  Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like, \
but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. \
	"At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there\'s a final, very addled \
message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise.  I dozed off during this, \
but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don\'t have anything to do with \
energy policy and neither do you." \
		-- P.J. O\'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" \
',' \
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. \
',' \
Fast, cheap, good: pick two. \
',' \
Fear is the greatest salesman. \
		-- Robert Klein \
',' \
Feel disillusioned?  I\'ve got some great new illusions, right here! \
',' \
For every bloke who makes his mark, there\'s half a dozen waiting to rub it out. \
		-- Andy Capp \
',' \
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. \
		-- Thomas Alva Edison \
',' \
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. \
',' \
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. \
 \
Corollary: \
	Following the rules will not get the job done. \
',' \
"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, \
I\'d rather lie around.  No contest." \
		-- Eric Clapton \
',' \
God help those who do not help themselves. \
		-- Wilson Mizner \
',' \
God helps them that themselves. \
		-- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard\'s Almanac" \
',' \
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to work. \
',' \
Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. \
		-- R.E. Schenk \
',' \
Happiness is a positive cash flow. \
',' \
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? \
		-- Charlie McCarthy \
',' \
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you \
`there\'s a time for work and a time for play\' never find the time for play? \
',' \
He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. \
		-- Bion \
',' \
He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet. \
',' \
He who is content with his lot probably has a lot. \
',' \
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. \
',' \
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from \
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." \
',' \
	"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" \
	"Whattaya need?" \
	"Oh, about $500." \
	"Whattaya got for collateral?" \
	"Whattaya need?" \
	"How about an eye?" \
		-- Sam Giancana \
',' \
Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? \
 \
		WE CAN HELP! \
 \
Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. \
',' \
Hire the morally handicapped. \
',' \
	Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who\'s willing to \
pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop for lumber, \
hardware, and toasters all in one location.  Notice I say "shop for," as \
opposed to "obtain." This is the major drawback of home centers: they are \
always out of everything except artificial Christmas trees.  The home center \
employees have no time to reorder merchandise because they are too busy \
applying little price stickers to every object -- every board, washer, nail \
and screw -- in the entire store ... \
 \
	Let\'s say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the \
broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has a \
replacement.  The employee, who has never is his life even seen the inside \
of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the same way \
that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at an electronic \
calculator, and then say, "We\'re expecting a shipment of these sometime \
around the middle of next week." \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" \
',' \
Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. \
		-- Plato \
',' \
Honesty pays, but it doesn\'t seem to pay enough to suit some people. \
		-- F.M. Hubbard \
',' \
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off.  I checked into a hotel and they \
had towels from my house. \
		-- Mark Guido \
',' \
How come everyone\'s going so slow if it\'s called rush hour? \
',' \
How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they \
claim they\'ll make you? \
',' \
	"How many people work here?" \
	"Oh, about half." \
',' \
Human resources are human first, and resources second. \
		-- J. Garbers \
',' \
"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder \
have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. \
This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom\'s \
reign.  My carpet smells like piss, and I don\'t have a cat.  Better go \
buy some more." \
		-- timw@zeb.USWest.COM \
',' \
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work. \
',' \
I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, \
ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities. \
',' \
I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on \
the same day.  Then that night, they burned the wheel. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; If it be man\'s work I will do it. \
',' \
I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when \
it has been used to commit a murder. \
		-- M. Gallaher \
',' \
I don\'t do it for the money. \
		-- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal \
',' \
I don\'t have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two \
highly trained certified public accountants. \
		-- Elvis Presley \
',' \
I don\'t want to achieve immortality through my work.  I want to achieve \
immortality through not dying. \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
	I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the \
accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For \
the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that \
can\'t be measured in monetary terms. \
	Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to \
have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything:  "I came \
by subway."  Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot \
should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly \
understand his long delay. \
',' \
I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. \
		-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. \
		-- John D. Rockefeller \
',' \
I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? \
		-- Raoul Duke \
',' \
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. \
		-- Bill Hoest \
',' \
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. \
',' \
I never cheated an honest man, only rascals.  They wanted something for \
nothing.  I gave them nothing for something. \
		-- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil \
',' \
I owe the public nothing. \
		-- J.P. Morgan \
',' \
I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all  \
these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these  \
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and \
I wasn\'t tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been \
avoiding the beach. \
		-- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach" \
',' \
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending \
their lives doing things they detest to make money they don\'t want to \
buy things they don\'t need to impress people they dislike. \
		-- Emile Henry Gauvreay \
',' \
I\'d rather be led to hell than managed to heavan. \
',' \
I\'d rather just believe that it\'s done by little elves running around. \
',' \
I\'m always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost. \
		-- David Rockefeller \
',' \
I\'ve got all the money I\'ll ever need if I die by 4 o\'clock. \
		-- Henny Youngman \
',' \
I: \
	The best way to make a silk purse from a sow\'s ear is to begin \
	with a silk sow.  The same is true of money. \
II: \
	If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would \
	probably be twice as good as yesterday was. \
III: \
	There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. \
IV: \
	If you can afford to advertise, you don\'t need to. \
V: \
	One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. \
	Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average \
	output. \
		-- Norman Augustine \
',' \
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had \
lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. \
',' \
If a thing\'s worth doing, it is worth doing badly. \
		-- G.K. Chesterton \
',' \
If a thing\'s worth having, it\'s worth cheating for. \
		-- W.C. Fields \
',' \
If all else fails, lower your standards. \
',' \
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? \
',' \
If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there \
better be no trade.  A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud. \
		-- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged" \
',' \
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it. \
',' \
IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don\'t think I would just abandon it.  There\'s \
got to be a better way. \
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. \
',' \
If I want your opinion, I\'ll ask you to fill out the necessary form. \
',' \
If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could \
work for with a great deal of enjoyment. \
		-- Douglas Jerrold \
',' \
If it\'s worth doing, it\'s worth doing for money. \
',' \
If money can\'t buy happiness, I guess you\'ll just have to rent it. \
',' \
If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would \
all be millionaires. \
		-- Abigail Van Buren \
',' \
If what they\'ve been doing hasn\'t solved the problem, tell them to \
do something else. \
	-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" \
',' \
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.  Quit work and play \
for once! \
',' \
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are real \
good, you will get out of it. \
',' \
If you are over 80 years old and accompanied by your parents, we will \
cash your check. \
',' \
If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; \
over 80 you are neglecting your golf. \
		-- Walter Hagen \
',' \
If you aren\'t rich you should always look useful. \
		-- Louis-Ferdinand Celine \
',' \
If you can count your money, you don\'t have a billion dollars. \
		-- J. Paul Getty \
',' \
If you can\'t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. \
',' \
If you can\'t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. \
',' \
If you didn\'t have to work so hard, you\'d have more time to be depressed. \
',' \
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. \
',' \
If you don\'t have time to do it right, where are you going to find the time \
to do it over? \
',' \
If you fail to plan, plan to fail. \
',' \
If you had better tools, you could more effectively demonstrate your \
total incompetence. \
',' \
If you have to ask how much it is, you can\'t afford it. \
',' \
If you hype something and it succeeds, you\'re a genius -- it wasn\'t a \
hype.  If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. \
		-- Neil Bogart \
',' \
If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. \
But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. \
		-- Swami Prabhupada \
',' \
If you suspect a man, don\'t employ him. \
',' \
If you think nobody cares if you\'re alive, try missing a couple of car \
payments. \
		-- Earl Wilson \
',' \
If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave \
it to. \
		-- Dorthy Parker \
',' \
If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map. \
',' \
If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. \
		-- Ben Franklin \
',' \
	If you\'re like most homeowners, you\'re afraid that many repairs \
around your home are too difficult to tackle.  So, when your furnace \
explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it.  The \
"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and deposits a \
large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the better part of the \
week in your basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches, after \
which the "professional" returns and gives you a bill for slightly more \
money than it would cost you to run a successful campaign for the U.S. \
Senate. \
	And that\'s why you\'ve decided to start doing things yourself. You \
figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I.  How difficult can \
it be?" \
	Very difficult.  In fact, most home projects are impossible, which \
is why you should do them yourself.  There is no point in paying other \
people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far \
less money.  This article can help you. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" \
',' \
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. \
Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading \
it.  Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving \
from where you left them to where you can\'t find them. \
',' \
In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The \
creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. \
',' \
In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: \
the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy. \
',' \
In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... \
in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent \
to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who \
have not yet reached their level of incompetence. \
		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle" \
',' \
In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. \
',' \
In case of injury notify your superior immediately.  He\'ll kiss it and \
make it better. \
',' \
In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. \
		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter \
',' \
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don\'t need it. \
',' \
In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold.  100 feet to the north stands \
a smart manager.  100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager.  100 feet to \
the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. \
 \
Q:	Who gets to the pot of gold first? \
A:	The dumb manager.  All the rest are myths. \
',' \
Innovation is hard to schedule. \
		-- Dan Fylstra \
',' \
Insanity is the final defense ... It\'s hard to get a refund when the \
salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. \
',' \
Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? \
',' \
It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. \
',' \
It is better to live rich than to die rich. \
		-- Samuel Johnson \
',' \
It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental. \
',' \
It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. \
',' \
It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward \
the vividly imaginative.  For although it may momentarily appear to be the \
case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by \
crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. \
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" \
',' \
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of \
work to do. \
		-- Jerome Klapka Jerome \
',' \
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. \
',' \
It is not enough that I should succeed.  Others must fail. \
		-- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald\'s \
		[Also attributed to David Merrick.  Ed.] \
 \
It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail. \
		-- Gore Vidal \
		[Great minds think alike?  Ed.] \
',' \
It is ridiculous to call this an industry.  This is not.  This is rat eat \
rat, dog eat dog.  I\'ll kill \'em, and I\'m going to kill \'em before they  \
kill me.  You\'re talking about the American way of survival of the fittest. \
		-- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald\'s \
',' \
It\'s a poor workman who blames his tools. \
',' \
It\'s been a business doing pleasure with you. \
',' \
It\'s fabulous!  We haven\'t seen anything like it in the last half an hour! \
		-- Macy\'s \
',' \
It\'s not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you\'re off the ground. \
		-- Daniel B. Luten \
',' \
It\'s very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it\'s time for the \
venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out. \
		-- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy. \
',' \
Just because he\'s dead is no reason to lay off work. \
',' \
Keep up the good work!  But please don\'t ask me to help. \
',' \
Keep your boss\'s boss off your boss\'s back. \
',' \
Keep your Eye on the Ball, \
Your Shoulder to the Wheel, \
Your Nose to the Grindstone, \
Your Feet on the Ground, \
Your Head on your Shoulders. \
Now... try to get something DONE! \
',' \
Lavish spending can be disastrous.  Don\'t buy any lavishes for a while. \
',' \
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. \
',' \
Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you\'re not just a \
number.  Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and \
another number. \
		-- James Estes \
',' \
Let\'s organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. \
',' \
Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed. \
',' \
Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you. \
',' \
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. \
		-- Josh Billings \
',' \
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip \
around the Sun. \
',' \
Lo!  Men have become the tool of their tools. \
		-- Henry David Thoreau \
',' \
Loan-department manager:  "There isn\'t any fine print.  At these \
interest rates, we don\'t need it." \
',' \
Lonesome? \
 \
Like a change? \
Like a new job? \
Like excitement? \
Like to meet new and interesting people? \
 \
JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!! \
',' \
Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, \
con-men.  That\'s the way businesses get started.  That\'s the way this \
country was built. \
		-- Hubert Allen \
',' \
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. \
		-- Frank Hubbard \
',' \
Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. \
		-- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise" \
',' \
Luck, that\'s when preparation and opportunity meet. \
		-- P.E. Trudeau \
',' \
Make headway at work.  Continue to let things deteriorate at home. \
',' \
Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- \
no dog exchanges bones with another. \
		-- Adam Smith \
',' \
Man must shape his tools lest they shape him. \
		-- Arthur R. Miller \
',' \
Management:	How many feet do mice have? \
Reply:		Mice have four feet. \
M:	Elaborate! \
R:	Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. \
M:	No discussion of fifth appendage! \
R:	Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. \
M:	What?  Feet with no legs? \
R:	Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. \
M:	Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? \
R:	Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. \
M:	Does not fully discuss the issue! \
R:	Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail.  Each leg \
	is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail \
	is not equipped with a foot. \
M:	Descriptive?  Yes.  Forceful NO! \
R:	Allotment of appendages for mice will be:  Four foot-leg assemblies, \
	one tail.  Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would \
	constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. \
M:	Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! \
R:	Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined \
	integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system.  Also \
	attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and \
	ornamental in nature. \
M:	Too verbose/scientific.  Answer the question! \
R:	Mice have four feet. \
',' \
Many people are unenthusiastic about their work. \
',' \
Many people are unenthusiastic about your work. \
',' \
Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. \
',' \
Mater artium necessitas. \
	[Necessity is the mother of invention]. \
',' \
Maternity pay?	Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. \
		-- Malcolm Smith \
',' \
Maybe you can\'t buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it. \
',' \
McDonald\'s -- Because you\'re worth it. \
',' \
Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. \
		-- Leonardo da Vinci \
',' \
Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. \
		-- Napoleon Bonaparte \
',' \
Men\'s skin is different from women\'s skin.  It is usually bigger, and \
it has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman\'s skin \
very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently \
tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... \
 \
[EDITOR\'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important world events \
such as agriculture, we\'re going to delete the next few square feet of the \
woman\'s skin.  Thank you.] \
 \
... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your \
cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of \
billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even more \
interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a fact.  Your \
skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran \
cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices \
with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, \
without so much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from \
below. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" \
',' \
Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to \
corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in \
favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. \
		-- Piers Anthony \
',' \
Money can\'t buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while \
you\'re being miserable. \
		-- C.B. Luce \
',' \
Money can\'t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. \
		-- Christopher Marlowe \
',' \
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. \
',' \
Money doesn\'t talk, it swears. \
		-- Bob Dylan \
',' \
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. \
',' \
Money is its own reward. \
',' \
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. \
',' \
Money is the root of all wealth. \
',' \
Money is truthful.  If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
Money isn\'t everything -- but it\'s a long way ahead of what comes next. \
		-- Sir Edmond Stockdale \
',' \
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. \
',' \
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. \
',' \
Moneyliness is next to Godliness. \
		-- Andries van Dam \
',' \
Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, if you\'ll consider \
their unacceptable offer. \
',' \
Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. \
		-- Xaviera Hollander \
	[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.] \
',' \
My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. \
',' \
My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low. \
',' \
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. \
		-- Errol Flynn \
 \
Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. \
		-- Errol Flynn \
',' \
"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb.  "Necessity \
is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. \
		-- Alfred North Whitehead \
',' \
Neckties strangle clear thinking. \
		-- Lin Yutang \
',' \
Never appeal to a man\'s "better nature."  He may not have one. \
Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
Never ask two questions in a business letter.  The reply will discuss \
the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other. \
',' \
Never buy from a rich salesman. \
		-- Goldenstern \
',' \
Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. \
		-- Thomas Jefferson \
',' \
Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him. \
',' \
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. \
		-- Billy Rose \
',' \
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. \
		-- Quentin Crisp \
',' \
Never let someone who says it cannot be done interrupt the person who is \
doing it. \
',' \
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. \
',' \
Never tell people how to do things.  Tell them WHAT to do and they will \
surprise you with their ingenuity. \
		-- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr. \
',' \
Never trust anyone who says money is no object. \
',' \
Never try to teach a pig to sing.  It wastes your time and annoys the pig. \
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" \
',' \
	NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of \
directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip \
Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the \
offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the \
true value of the company. \
	Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story. \
Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover \
agreement when they learned of Philip Morris\' marketing plans for one of \
their major Middle East subsidiaries.  To a person, the board voted to \
reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to \
reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of Nazareth. \
',' \
Nitwit ideas are for emergencies.  You use them when you\'ve got nothing \
else to try.  If they work, they go in the Book.  Otherwise you follow \
the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. \
		-- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God\'s Eye" \
',' \
No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a camel -- \
anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform effectively under \
such difficult conditions. \
		-- Laurence J. Peter \
',' \
"No job too big; no fee too big!" \
		-- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters" \
',' \
No one gets sick on Wednesdays. \
',' \
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. \
',' \
No problem is so formidable that you can\'t just walk away from it. \
		-- C. Schulz \
',' \
No problem is so large it can\'t be fit in somewhere. \
',' \
No skis take rocks like rental skis! \
',' \
No spitting on the Bus! \
Thank you, The Mgt. \
',' \
None of our men are "experts."  We have most unfortunately found it necessary \
to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one  \
ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job.  A man who knows a  \
job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing  \
forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient  \
he is.  Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a  \
state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the \
"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible. \
		-- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work" \
',' \
Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. \
',' \
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn\'t have to do it himself. \
		-- A.H. Weiler \
',' \
Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires \
tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. \
		-- Nero Wolfe \
',' \
Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. \
',' \
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest day\'s work. \
',' \
Nothing recedes like success. \
		-- Walter Winchell \
',' \
Nothing succeeds like excess. \
		-- Oscar Wilde \
',' \
Nothing succeeds like success. \
		-- Alexandre Dumas \
',' \
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. \
		-- Christopher Lascl \
',' \
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. \
		-- Kim Hubbard \
',' \
Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first \
overcome. \
		-- Dr. Johnson \
',' \
	Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool \
sets for under $4?" An excellent question. \
	Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell \
plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they \
have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and \
malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration.  In either \
the hardware or housewares department, you\'ll find an item imported from an \
obscure Oriental country and described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of \
a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental \
notions of tools that Americans might use around the home.  Buy it. \
	This is the kind of tool set professionals use.  Not only is it \
inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the \
so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if \
you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct \
sunlight. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" \
',' \
Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the \
reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest \
amount of hot air. \
		-- Thomas L. Martin \
',' \
Of course there\'s no reason for it, it\'s just our policy. \
',' \
Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to sweep it up, package it, \
and sell it as fertilizer. \
',' \
	One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, \
and drove off along the route.  No problems for the first few stops -- a few \
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.  At the next \
stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.  Six feet eight, built like a \
wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.  He glared at the driver and said, \
"Big John doesn\'t pay!" and sat down at the back. \
	Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically \
meek?  Well, he was.  Naturally, he didn\'t argue with Big John, but he wasn\'t \
happy about it.  Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on \
again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.  And the next day, and the \
one after that, and so forth.  This grated on the bus driver, who started \
losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.  Finally he \
could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, \
and all that good stuff.  By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; \
what\'s more, he felt really good about himself. \
	So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus \
and said "Big John doesn\'t pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the \
passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" \
	With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a \
bus pass." \
',' \
One good suit is worth a thousand resumes. \
',' \
One man\'s brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one \
man would have produced alone.  These two plus two more will produce half \
again as many ideas.  These four plus four more begin to represent a \
creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many ... \
		-- Anthony Chevins \
',' \
One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a \
thief who was to be executed.  As he was taken away he made a bargain with \
the king: in one year he would teach the king\'s favorite horse to sing \
hymns.  The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and \
laughed.  "You will not succeed," they told him.  "No one can." \
	To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might \
happen in that time.  The king might die.  The horse might die.  I might die. \
And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. \
		-- "The Mote in God\'s Eye", Niven and Pournelle \
',' \
One possible reason that things aren\'t going according to plan \
is that there never was a plan in the first place. \
',' \
One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could \
manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be \
installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips.  Let\'s say your \
congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how \
the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet.  Just when he \
got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would \
inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the \
plane door.  It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman \
proposed a law.  ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be \
designated as Cuticle Inspection Month?  And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") \
This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public \
would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen.  The problem \
is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 \
members of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O\'Neil, \
are already too large to fit on normal aircraft. \
		-- Dave Barry, "\'Mister Mediocre\' Restaurants" \
',' \
One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model. \
',' \
Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. \
',' \
Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don\'t \
recognize them. \
',' \
Optimism is the content of small men in high places. \
		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" \
',' \
Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you. \
I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but \
we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. \
		-- J. Wellington Wells \
',' \
Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits. \
		-- Robert Louis Stevenson \
',' \
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is \
they charge fifteen cents for them. \
',' \
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. \
		-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries \
',' \
Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left! \
',' \
Owe no man any thing... \
		-- Romans 13:8 \
',' \
People are always available for work in the past tense. \
',' \
People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," absolves \
them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the public -- but this \
was precisely Eichmann\'s excuse for his job in the concentration camps. \
',' \
People will buy anything that\'s one to a customer. \
',' \
Please keep your hands off the secretary\'s reproducing equipment. \
',' \
Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn\'t have any bazingas" \
until you are told that those rooms are "punched out."  Once punched out, \
we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. \
		-- N. Meyrowitz \
',' \
	Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, \
requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a \
clogged toilet.  In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as \
annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the radio.  But before we get \
into specific techniques, let\'s look at how plumbing works. \
	A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, except \
that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, it has \
pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets and toilets. \
So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at all like your \
electrical system, which is good, because electricity can kill you. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" \
',' \
Porsche: there simply is no substitute. \
		-- Risky Business \
',' \
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. \
		-- Ryan \
',' \
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little \
more time for dreaming. \
		-- J. P. McEvoy \
',' \
Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded. \
',' \
Promising costs nothing, it\'s the delivering that kills you. \
',' \
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. \
',' \
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. \
',' \
Put your best foot forward.  Or just call in and say you\'re sick. \
',' \
Put your Nose to the Grindstone! \
		-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. \
',' \
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we\'ve got. \
',' \
Real wealth can only increase. \
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller \
',' \
Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than \
being flat broke and having a stomach ache. \
		-- Dolph Sharp, "I\'m O.K., You\'re Not So Hot" \
',' \
Recent investments will yield a slight profit. \
',' \
Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man \
is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. \
		-- C.N. Parkinson \
',' \
Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, administrative \
overhead continues to grow at a steady rate. \
',' \
Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. \
',' \
Remember to say hello to your bank teller. \
',' \
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you\'re still a rat. \
',' \
Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you \
actually have a shot at it. \
',' \
Riches cover a multitude of woes. \
		-- Menander \
',' \
Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. \
	Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is \
	not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety.  They simply may \
	sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after \
	they regain their composure. \
',' \
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you\'ll be \
surprised at how little you have. \
		-- Ernest Haskins \
',' \
Sears has everything. \
',' \
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. \
',' \
	"Seven years and six months!"  Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. \
"An uncomfortable sort of age.  Now if you\'d asked MY advice, I\'d have \
said \'Leave off at seven\' -- but it\'s too late now." \
	"I never ask advice about growing,"  Alice said indignantly. \
	"Too proud?"  the other enquired. \
	Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion.  "I mean," \
she said, "that one can\'t help growing older." \
	"ONE can\'t, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can.  With \
proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." \
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" \
',' \
Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big \
store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable \
prices?  Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let\'s build a home \
center.  And before long home centers were springing up like crabgrass all \
over the United States. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" \
',' \
Show me a man who is a good loser and I\'ll show you a man who is playing \
golf with his boss. \
',' \
So you think that money is the root of all evil.  Have you ever asked what \
is the root of money? \
		-- Ayn Rand \
',' \
So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they go to work? \
',' \
Some people carve careers, others chisel them. \
',' \
Some people have a great ambition: to build something \
that will last, at least until they\'ve finished building it. \
',' \
Some people manage by the book, even though they don\'t know who wrote the \
book or even what book. \
',' \
Some people only open up to tell you that they\'re closed. \
',' \
Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for. \
',' \
Some people say a front-engine car handles best.  Some people say a \
rear-engine car handles best.  I say a rented car handles best. \
		-- P.J. O\'Rourke \
',' \
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the \
pens will multiply instead of disappear. \
',' \
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine, \
or the person who operates it. \
',' \
Someday your prints will come. \
		-- Kodak \
',' \
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. \
',' \
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names \
the streets after them. \
		-- Bill Vaughn \
',' \
Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. \
',' \
Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier. \
',' \
Support your local church or synagogue.  Worship at Bank of America. \
',' \
Surprise due today.  Also the rent. \
',' \
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time. \
',' \
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. \
		-- Lazarus Long \
',' \
Take everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way. \
',' \
	Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content \
to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good \
beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up \
drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a \
nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves \
and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!"  So Coca-Cola \
was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to \
improve ... \
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" \
',' \
Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your \
merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people \
have given them to you. \
',' \
Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not \
take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. \
		-- Booth Tarkington \
',' \
Talent does what it can. \
Genius does what it must. \
You do what you get paid to do. \
',' \
Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before \
you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew \
but weren\'t sure.  But if you\'re searching for something you don\'t \
already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. \
		-- Erma Bombeck \
',' \
Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, \
work till we die. \
		-- C.S. Lewis \
',' \
That\'s life. \
	What\'s life? \
A magazine. \
	How much does it cost? \
Two-fifty. \
	I only have a dollar. \
That\'s life. \
',' \
The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by \
people who want some. \
		-- Dwight MacDonald \
',' \
The `loner\' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, \
for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be \
simply making a limiting statement about himself. \
		-- Sidney Harris \
',' \
The absent ones are always at fault. \
',' \
The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in \
session.  Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing, \
advertising and industry.  For best consistent contribution in the field of \
publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle- \
giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I\'d love to do it, \
we\'d ALL love to do it.  But we\'re not going to do it.  It\'s not the kind of \
book our house knows how to handle."  Our superior performance award in the \
field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu- \
ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you\'ve got here could be \
very exciting.  Why not give it one more try based on the approach I\'ve out- \
lined and see if you can come up with something fresh."  Our final award for \
courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S., \
[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don\'t care if they fire me, I\'ve been \
arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right \
time--"  I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially \
for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as \
then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts -- \
	Treat freshness as a youthful quirk, \
		And dare not stray to ideas new, \
	For if t\'were tried they might e\'en work \
		And for a living what woulds\'t we do? \
',' \
The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... \
 \
	Four day work week, \
	Two ply toilet paper! \
',' \
The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was \
released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, \
Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons. \
',' \
The average individual\'s position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling \
a dogsled -- there\'s no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. \
',' \
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. \
However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours \
by judging things by their price. \
',' \
The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do \
what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with \
them while they do it. \
		-- Theodore Roosevelt \
',' \
The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department. \
',' \
The best things in life are for a fee. \
',' \
The best things in life go on sale sooner or later. \
',' \
The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I\'ve got responsibilities." \
',' \
The Bible on letters of reference: \
 \
	Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials?  Do \
we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you? \
No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any \
man can see it for what it is and read it for himself. \
		-- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation \
',' \
The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are working for \
someone else. \
',' \
	The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff \
in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.  Everybody but one girl \
laughed uproariously.  "What\'s the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven\'t you \
got a sense of humor?" \
	"I don\'t have to laugh," she said.  "I\'m leaving Friday anyway. \
',' \
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up \
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. \
',' \
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job \
application form. \
		-- Stanley J. Randall \
',' \
The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos. \
		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 \
',' \
The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! \
',' \
The cost of living hasn\'t affected its popularity. \
',' \
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. \
',' \
The decision doesn\'t have to be logical; it was unanimous. \
',' \
The degree of technical confidence is inversely proportional to the \
level of management. \
',' \
The departing division general manager met a last time with his young \
successor and gave him three envelopes.  "My predecessor did this for me, \
and I\'ll pass the tradition along to you," he said.  "At the first sign \
of trouble, open the first envelope.  Any further difficulties, open the \
second envelope.  Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. \
Good luck."  The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes \
into a drawer. \
	Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the \
young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me." \
	The next day, he held a press conference and did just that.  The \
crisis passed. \
	Six months later, sales dropped precipitously.  The beleagured \
manager opened the second envelope.  It said, "Reorganize." \
	He held another press conference, announcing that the division \
would be restructured.  The crisis passed. \
	A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was \
blamed for all of it.  The harried executive closed his office door, sank \
into his chair, and opened the third envelope. \
	"Prepare three envelopes..." it said. \
',' \
The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week. \
',' \
The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. \
',' \
The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late \
and owns the worm farm. \
		-- Travis McGee \
',' \
The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and \
add ten percent. \
',' \
The end of labor is to gain leisure. \
',' \
The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for \
experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute \
for intelligence. \
		-- Lyman Bryson \
',' \
The faster I go, the behinder I get. \
		-- Lewis Carroll \
',' \
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. \
',' \
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the \
other 90% of the time. \
',' \
The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of \
management is that success equals skill. \
		-- Robert Heller \
',' \
The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." \
		-- H.L. Mencken \
',' \
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. \
		-- Paul Erlich \
',' \
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. \
		-- Alan Coult \
',' \
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn\'t been asleep. \
',' \
The greatest productive force is human selfishness. \
		-- Robert Heinlein \
',' \
The hardest part of climbing the ladder of success is getting through \
the crowd at the bottom. \
',' \
The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, \
which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus.  Guaranteed to be at \
least 5000 years old." \
',' \
The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic \
devices, such as television sets and VCR\'s, to the destruction centers, \
where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. \
With their devices thus permanently destroyed, consumers would then be free \
to go out and buy new devices, rather than have to fritter away years of \
their lives trying to have the old ones repaired at so-called "factory \
service centers," which in fact consist of two men named Lester poking at \
the insides of broken electronic devices with cheap cigars and going, \
"Lookit all them WIRES in there!" \
		-- Dave Barry, "\'Mister Mediocre\' Restaurants" \
',' \
The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, \
no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. \
		-- Harry V. Wade \
',' \
The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. \
',' \
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important \
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly \
important thing to people. \
		-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King \
',' \
The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the \
number of participants. \
		-- Adam Walinsky \
',' \
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided \
by the number of people in the group. \
',' \
The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field: \
 \
King:		"How goes the battle plan?" \
Advisor:	"See those little black specks running to the right?" \
K:	"Yes." \
A:	"Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running \
	to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till \
	the dust clears." \
K:	"And?" \
A:	"If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." \
K:	"But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?" \
A:	"So far, it seems to be going according to specks." \
',' \
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for \
everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. \
',' \
The longer the title, the less important the job. \
',' \
The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the bonds will \
eventually mature. \
',' \
The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends \
without any means. \
		-- Saul Alinsky \
',' \
The meek don\'t want it. \
',' \
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. \
',' \
The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. \
		-- J.P. Getty \
',' \
The meek shall inherit the Earth.  (But they\'re gonna have to fight for it.) \
',' \
The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that time there won\'t be \
anything left worth inheriting. \
',' \
The more cordial the buyer\'s secretary, the greater the odds that the \
competition already has the order. \
',' \
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. \
',' \
The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. \
		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions" \
',' \
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.  (For \
instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, \
contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...) \
',' \
The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in \
the country is the one on which you resell it. \
		-- J. Brecheux \
',' \
The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to \
watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. \
		-- T.H. White \
',' \
The one day you\'d sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. \
',' \
The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop \
and take a rest. \
',' \
The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to \
be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to \
be less cunning than more virtuous men.  Oh yes ... whenever you think \
you\'ve got something really great, add ten per cent more. \
		-- Bill Veeck \
',' \
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has \
already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, \
and put inside boxes. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" \
',' \
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn\'t even get up \
until 5 or 6 PM. \
',' \
The optimum committee has no members. \
		-- Norman Augustine \
',' \
The opulence of the front office door varies inversely with the fundamental \
solvency of the firm. \
',' \
The other line moves faster. \
',' \
The person who can smile when something goes wrong has thought of \
someone to blame it on. \
',' \
The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. \
',' \
The person who\'s taking you to lunch has no intention of paying. \
',' \
The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. \
		-- Anthony Burgess \
',' \
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate \
knowledge of its ugly side. \
		-- James Baldwin \
',' \
The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired \
warranty.  Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing \
the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker. \
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" \
',' \
The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but \
not the problem we thought was the problem. \
		-- Mike Smith \
',' \
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people \
worry than work. \
',' \
The reward for working hard is more hard work. \
',' \
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. \
		-- Emerson \
',' \
The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. \
The haves get more, the have-nots die. \
',' \
The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared \
for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his \
infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and \
upon the successful management of which so much remains. \
		-- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist \
',' \
The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the \
expense of it. \
		-- Josh Billings \
',' \
The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market \
award for achievement.  It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal \
gesture by the individual to himself. \
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal" \
',' \
The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you\'ve got \
it made. \
		-- Jean Giraudoux \
',' \
The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability \
and children.  Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man\'s neck but \
money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted. \
		-- George Bernard Shaw \
',' \
The shortest distance between two points is under construction. \
		-- Noelie Alito \
',' \
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. \
',' \
The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be \
able to correct them. \
		-- Nicolaides \
',' \
The star of riches is shining upon you. \
',' \
The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands \
what will sell. \
		-- Confucius \
',' \
The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene \
of shooting employees who make mistakes.  We will now refer to this process \
as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk).  The \
employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next.  All the terrible \
temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated. \
		-- Kenny\'s Korner \
',' \
The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be \
in inverse proportion to the sum involved. \
		-- C.N. Parkinson \
',' \
The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. \
',' \
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. \
',' \
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody\'s there to appreciate it. \
		-- Franklin P. Jones \
',' \
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more \
important to do. \
',' \
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody \
appreciates how difficult it was. \
',' \
The trouble with money is it costs too much! \
',' \
The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work. \
		-- Herbert V. Prochnow \
',' \
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you\'re still a rat. \
		-- Lily Tomlin \
',' \
The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." \
		-- Dorothy Parker \
',' \
The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. \
		-- B. Franklin \
',' \
The wages of sin are high but you get your money\'s worth. \
',' \
The wages of sin are unreported. \
',' \
The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start \
with a large fortune. \
',' \
The Worst Car Hire Service \
	When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck \
as a joke.  Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up \
shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. \
	He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people\'s faces as he \
conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles. \
	To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and \
he now has 26 thriving branches all over America.  "People like driving \
round in the worst cars available," he said.  Of course they do. \
	"If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to \
admit it, I tell him, `Forget it\'.  If they bring a car back late we \
overlook it.  If they\'ve had a crash and it doesn\'t involve another vehicle \
we might overlook that too." \
	"Where\'s the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled \
into the ripped interior.  "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car\'s the \
ash tray." \
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" \
',' \
Their idea of an offer you can\'t refuse is an offer... and you\'d better \
not refuse. \
',' \
Them as has, gets. \
',' \
	Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. \
	He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the \
Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an \
open market. \
	If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he \
should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of \
himself. \
 \
	Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. \
	Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. \
	Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. \
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" \
',' \
Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of \
Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each!  Only problem was, \
when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing \
to the "W" on the dial. \
 \
Moral: \
	He who has a Tates is lost! \
',' \
There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break \
about even for all of us.  I have observed, for example, that we all get \
about the same amount of ice.  The rich get it in the summer and the poor \
get it in the winter. \
		-- Bat Masterson \
',' \
There are worse things in life than death.  Have you ever spent an evening \
with an insurance salesman? \
		-- Woody Allen \
',' \
There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. \
		-- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 (Black Tuesday) \
',' \
There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital \
and labour.  As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting \
each other\'s throat. \
		-- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun" \
',' \
There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can not make a little \
worse and sell a little cheaper. \
',' \
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. \
',' \
There is no Father Christmas.  It\'s just a marketing ploy to make low income \
parents\' lives a misery.  ...  I want you to picture the trusting face of a \
child, streaked with tears because of what you just said.  I want you to \
picture the face of its mother, because one week\'s dole won\'t pay for one \
Master of the Universe Battlecruiser! \
		-- Filthy Rich and Catflap \
',' \
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. \
',' \
There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it \
reluctantly. \
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) \
',' \
There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him.  If he says \
"Yes" you know he is crooked. \
		-- Groucho Marx \
',' \
There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. \
',' \
There must be more to life than having everything. \
		-- Maurice Sendak \
',' \
	There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by \
going from house to house offering to do odd jobs.  He explained this to \
a man who answered one door. \
	"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man. \
	"Forty dollars." \
	"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes. \
	Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again. \
"All done!", he says, and collects his money.  "By the way," the student says, \
"That\'s not a Porsche, it\'s a Ferrari." \
',' \
There\'s no such thing as a free lunch. \
		-- Milton Friendman \
',' \
There\'s nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses \
smoking in the men\'s room. \
		-- W. Bossert \
',' \
	They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even \
drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man.  These things offer \
pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which \
demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and \
sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. \
	They are fools that think otherwise.  No great effort was ever bought. \
No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was \
ever raised into being for payment of any kind.  No parthenon, no Thermopylae \
was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground \
beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone.  The payment for doing these \
things was itself the doing of them. \
	To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one\'s own hand -- and \
so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the \
greatest pleasure known to man!  To one who has felt the chisel in his hand \
and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt \
sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body \
of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food \
spread only for demons or for gods." \
		-- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" \
',' \
Things worth having are worth cheating for. \
',' \
Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. \
		-- Darrell Royal \
',' \
This is a good time to punt work. \
',' \
This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because \
the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it \
recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" \
the airline industry.  What this means for you, the consumer, is that the \
airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever.  They can \
show snuff movies.  They can charge for oxygen.  They can hire pilots right \
out of Vending Machine Refill Person School.  They can conserve fuel by \
ejecting husky passengers over water.  They can ram competing planes in \
mid-air.  These innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which \
have been passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with \
amazingly low fares, such as $29.  Of course, certain restrictions do apply, \
the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, and you must \
pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" \
',' \
This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this:  most of \
the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.  Many \
solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were \
largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, \
which is odd because on the whole it wasn\'t the small green pieces of \
paper that were unhappy. \
		-- Douglas Adams \
',' \
This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down! \
',' \
Those who claim the dead never return to life haven\'t ever been around \
here at quitting time. \
',' \
Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided \
at all costs. \
		-- N. Alexander. \
',' \
Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. \
		-- Theophrastus \
',' \
Time to take stock.  Go home with some office supplies. \
',' \
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. \
		-- Elbert Hubbard \
',' \
To be or not to be, that is the bottom line. \
',' \
To do nothing is to be nothing. \
',' \
To do two things at once is to do neither. \
		-- Publilius Syrus \
',' \
To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. \
',' \
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three \
persons, two of them absent. \
',' \
To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland. \
		-- Jack Paar \
',' \
To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. \
',' \
To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse. \
',' \
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest \
and cost the most. \
',' \
To stay youthful, stay useful. \
',' \
To the landlord belongs the doorknobs. \
',' \
To thine own self be true.  (If not that, at least make some money.) \
',' \
To understand this important story, you have to understand how the telephone \
company works.  Your telephone is connected to a local computer, which is in \
turn connected to a regional computer, which is in turn connected to a \
loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of \
Lawrence, Kan. \
 \
Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in.  If it \
suspects you\'re going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the computer \
above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the one above it, \
until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe break down in tears \
and tell your closest friend about a sordid incident from your past \
involving a seedy motel, a neighbor\'s spouse, an entire religious order, a \
garden hose and six quarts of tapioca pudding, the top computer feeds your \
conversation into Edna\'s loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on \
the porch to listen and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. \
		-- Dave Barry, "Won\'t It Be Just Great Owning Our Own Phones?" \
',' \
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.  They seem \
more afraid of life than death. \
		-- James F. Byrnes \
',' \
Too much is not enough. \
',' \
Too much of everything is just enough. \
		-- Bob Wier \
',' \
Truth is free, but information costs. \
',' \
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. \
		-- Howard Kandel \
',' \
Veni, Vidi, VISA: \
	I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. \
',' \
Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an \
infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one \
could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow \
somewhere.  A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew \
ratchet screwdrivers as fruit.  The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is \
quite interesting.  Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can \
lie undisturbed for years.  Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its \
outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable \
little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole \
for a screw.  This, when found, will get thrown away.  No one knows what the \
screwdriver is supposed to gain from this.  Nature, in her infinite wisdom, \
is presumably working on it. \
',' \
Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. \
',' \
VI: \
	A hungry dog hunts best. \
	A hungrier dog hunts even better. \
VII: \
	Decreased business base increases overhead. \
	So does increased business base. \
VIII: \
	The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator \
	is fifth grade arithmetic. \
IX: \
	Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent \
	possible to make trivial ideas profound.  Q.E.D. \
X: \
	Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. \
	People do not win people fights; lawyers do. \
		-- Norman Augustine \
',' \
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving \
from where you left them to where you can\'t find them. \
',' \
	WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: \
 \
Firings will continue until morale improves. \
',' \
Waste not, get your budget cut next year. \
',' \
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. \
',' \
We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. \
		-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis \
',' \
We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. \
		-- John Fisher \
',' \
	We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why \
you are so tired. \
	There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. \
	The population of this country is 200 million.  84 million are over \
60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work.  People under 20 \
years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. \
	There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves \
19 million to do the work.  Four million are in the Armed Services, which \
leaves 15 million to do the work.  Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state \
and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work.  There are 188,000 in \
hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. \
	Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, \
so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and \
brother, I\'m getting tired of doing everything myself! \
',' \
"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call \
free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens \
show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do \
our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself." \
		-- Cameron Hawley \
',' \
We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died. \
',' \
We were so poor we couldn\'t afford a watchdog.  If we heard a noise at night, \
we\'d bark ourselves. \
		-- Crazy Jimmy \
',' \
We\'re living in a golden age.  All you need is gold. \
		-- D.W. Robertson. \
',' \
Weekend, where are you? \
',' \
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can\'t find the entrance? \
',' \
What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be \
broken down into subjects and predicates.  This is not because Quality \
is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. \
		-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" \
',' \
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. \
',' \
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? \
',' \
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. \
',' \
What they said: \
	What they meant: \
 \
"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." \
	(Yes, that about sums it up.) \
"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you." \
	(And I recommend not giving that school a dime...) \
"I simply can\'t say enough good things about him." \
	(What a screw-up.) \
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." \
	(I can\'t tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.) \
"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go \
a long way with his skills." \
	(We hoped he\'d go as far as possible.) \
"You won\'t find many people like her." \
	(In fact, most people can\'t stand being around her.) \
"I cannot reccommend him too highly." \
	(However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a \
	 felony in my presence.) \
',' \
What they said: \
	What they meant: \
 \
"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much \
of him as I do." \
	(Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.) \
"Her input was always critical." \
	(She never had a good word to say.) \
"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work." \
	(And it\'s nonexistent.) \
"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which \
already has so many outstanding members." \
	(Unless you already have a moron.) \
"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable: \
one unbelievable result after another." \
	(And we didn\'t believe them, either.) \
"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her." \
	(In fact, to life in general...) \
',' \
What they said: \
	What they meant: \
 \
"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you." \
	(We certainly never succeeded.) \
There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him. \
	(Well, our rats aren\'t really employees...) \
"Success will never spoil him." \
	(Well, at least not MUCH more.) \
"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling." \
	(And such a sigh of relief.) \
"His dissertation is the sort of work you don\'t expect to see these days; \
in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities." \
	(And his IQ, as well.) \
"He should go far." \
	(The farther the better.) \
"He will take full advantage of his staff." \
	(He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.) \
',' \
What they say:				What they mean: \
 \
A major technological breakthrough...	Back to the drawing board. \
Developed after years of research	Discovered by pure accident. \
Project behind original schedule due	We\'re working on something else. \
	to unforseen difficulties \
Designs are within allowable limits	We made it, stretching a point or two. \
Customer satisfaction is believed	So far behind schedule that they\'ll be \
	assured					grateful for anything at all. \
Close project coordination		We\'re gonna spread the blame, campers! \
Test results were extremely gratifying	It works, and boy, were we surprised! \
The design will be finalized...		We haven\'t started yet, but we\'ve got \
						to say something. \
The entire concept has been rejected	The guy who designed it quit. \
We\'re moving forward with a fresh	We hired three new guys, and they\'re \
	approach				kicking it around. \
A number of different approaches...	We don\'t know where we\'re going, but \
						we\'re moving. \
Preliminary operational tests are	Blew up when we turned it on. \
	inconclusive \
Modifications are underway		We\'re starting over. \
',' \
What they say:			What they mean: \
 \
New				Different colors from previous version. \
All New				Not compatible with previous version. \
Exclusive			Nobody else has documentation. \
Unmatched			Almost as good as the competition. \
Design Simplicity		The company wouldn\'t give us any money. \
Fool-proof Operation		All parameters are hard-coded. \
Advanced Design			Nobody really understands it. \
Here At Last			Didn\'t get it done on time. \
Field Tested			We don\'t have any simulators. \
Years of Development		Finally got one to work. \
Unprecedented Performance	Nothing ever ran this slow before. \
Revolutionary			Disk drives go \'round and \'round. \
Futuristic			Only runs on a next generation supercomputer. \
No Maintenance			Impossible to fix. \
Performance Proven		Worked through Beta test. \
Meets Tough Quality Standards	It compiles without errors. \
Satisfaction Guaranteed		We\'ll send you another pack if it fails. \
Stock Item			We shipped it before and can do it again. \
',' \
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. \
',' \
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! \
',' \
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. \
',' \
What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. \
',' \
What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody \
really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, \
whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for \
two to three hours, during which it just remains 7 a.m.  This way we could \
all wake up via a civilized gradual process of stretching and belching and \
scratching, and it would still be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually \
emerge from bed. \
		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" \
',' \
Whatever is not nailed down is mine.  Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. \
		-- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon \
',' \
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him--that\'s where the money is. \
		-- Robespierre \
',' \
When a fellow says, "It ain\'t the money but the principle of the thing," \
it\'s the money. \
		-- Kim Hubbard \
',' \
When all else fails, read the instructions. \
',' \
When I works, I works hard. \
When I sits, I sits easy. \
And when I thinks, I goes to sleep. \
',' \
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. \
		-- James H. Boren \
',' \
When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to \
make a decision. \
',' \
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for \
every week you\'re away and get nothing done, there\'s another when your boss \
is away and you get twice as much done. \
		-- Daniel B. Luten \
',' \
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking \
about themselves. \
',' \
	When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. \
"Abe, I\'m in a terrible pickle!  I\'m strapped for cash and I haven\'t \
the slightest idea where I\'m going to get it from!" \
	"I\'m glad to hear that," answered Abe.  "I was afraid you \
might have some idea that you could borrow from me!" \
',' \
When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often. \
',' \
When you don\'t know what to do, walk fast and look worried. \
',' \
When you don\'t know what you are doing, do it neatly. \
',' \
When you go out to buy, don\'t show your silver. \
',' \
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. \
		-- The Wall Street Journal \
',' \
When your work speaks for itself, don\'t interrupt. \
		-- Henry J. Kaiser \
',' \
Where there\'s a will, there\'s a relative. \
',' \
Where there\'s a will, there\'s an Inheritance Tax. \
',' \
While money can\'t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own \
form of misery. \
',' \
While money doesn\'t buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. \
',' \
Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. \
		-- Thomas Tusser \
',' \
Whoever dies with the most toys wins. \
',' \
Why be a man when you can be a success? \
		-- Bertolt Brecht \
',' \
Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? \
That way, you will owe me ten, and I\'ll owe you ten, and we\'ll be even! \
',' \
Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. \
		-- Frank Tyger \
',' \
Work expands to fill the time available. \
		-- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955 \
',' \
Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near \
the earth\'s surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people \
to do so. \
		-- Bertrand Russell \
',' \
Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. \
		-- Schulz \
',' \
Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling. \
',' \
Work without a vision is slavery, Vision without work is a pipe dream, \
But vision with work is the hope of the world. \
',' \
XI: \
	If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would \
	get twice as much done.  If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty \
	times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all \
	the managers would fly off. \
XII: \
	It costs a lot to build bad products. \
XIII: \
	There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. \
	There are also many highly paid executives.  The policy is not to \
	intermingle the two. \
XIV: \
	After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes.  There will \
	be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent \
	of every airplane\'s weight. \
XV: \
	The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost \
	and two-thirds of the problems. \
		-- Norman Augustine \
',' \
XLI: \
	The more one produces, the less one gets. \
XLII: \
	Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. \
XLIII: \
	Hardware works best when it matters the least. \
XLIV: \
	Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly \
	direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the \
	additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. \
XLV: \
	One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the \
	unexpected should have been expected. \
XLVI: \
	A billion saved is a billion earned. \
		-- Norman Augustine \
',' \
XLVII: \
	Two-thirds of the Earth\'s surface is covered with water.  The other \
	third is covered with auditors from headquarters. \
XLVIII: \
	The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the \
	less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. \
	Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less \
	until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. \
XLIX: \
	Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. \
L: \
	The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a \
	chimpanzee\'s and one-tenth as long as a human\'s -- but four times \
	as long as the official\'s who created it. \
LI: \
	By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more \
	government workers than there are workers. \
LII: \
	People working in the private sector should try to save money. \
	There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. \
		-- Norman Augustine \
',' \
XVI: \
	In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one \
	aircraft.  This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and \
	Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be \
	made available to the Marines for the extra day. \
XVII: \
	Software is like entropy.  It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, \
	and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases. \
XVIII: \
	It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability.  It is not uncommon \
	to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of \
	ten degradation accomplished. \
XIX: \
	Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will \
	be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. \
XX: \
	In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding \
	approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the \
	administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. \
		-- Norman Augustine \
',' \
XXI: \
	It\'s easy to get a loan unless you need it. \
XXII: \
	If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, \
	not selling advice. \
XXIII: \
	Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is \
	currently estimated. \
XXIV: \
	The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an \
	established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most \
	costly action known to man. \
XXV: \
	A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete \
	or a new canvas to an artist. \
		-- Norman Augustine \
',' \
XXVI: \
	If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each \
	other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. \
XXVII: \
	Rank does not intimidate hardware.  Neither does the lack of rank. \
XXVIII: \
	It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. \
XXIX: \
	Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their \
	jobs only about five years.  Those who produce effective results \
	hang on about half a decade. \
XXX: \
	By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, \
	the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. \
		-- Norman Augustine \
',' \
XXXI: \
	The optimum committee has no members. \
XXXII: \
	Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of \
	turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. \
XXXIII: \
	Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. \
XXXIV: \
	The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work \
	is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed \
	randomly. \
XXXV: \
	The weaker the data available upon which to base one\'s conclusion, \
	the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give \
	the data authenticity. \
		-- Norman Augustine \
',' \
XXXVI: \
	The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar \
	contract is about one millimeter per million dollars.  If all the \
	proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other \
	at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. \
XXXVII: \
	Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. \
	The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. \
XXXVIII: \
	The early bird gets the worm. \
	The early worm ... gets eaten. \
XXXIX: \
	Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of \
	the year -- in either direction. \
XL: \
	Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. \
		-- Norman Augustine \
',' \
Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I\'m a dog.  Tomorrow I\'ll probably still \
be a dog. Sigh!  There\'s so little hope for advancement. \
		-- Snoopy \
',' \
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. \
',' \
You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right \
and the budget is big enough. \
		-- Joseph E. Levine \
',' \
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. \
		-- Norman Douglas \
',' \
You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred. \
		-- Superchicken \
',' \
You know, the difference between this company and the Titanic is that the \
Titanic had paying customers. \
',' \
You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you. \
I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but \
we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. \
		-- J. Wellington Wells \
',' \
YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! \
 \
Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be \
a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really \
important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." \
 \
Mr. Watkins had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward \
to was a dead-end job as a engineer.  Now I have a promising future and \
make really big Zorkmids." \
 \
MIT Tech can\'t promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when \
you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. \
 \
		SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! \
',' \
A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!! \
',' \
A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit! \
',' \
A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume.. \
',' \
A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled \
with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight?? \
',' \
Actually, what I\'d like is a little toy spaceship!! \
',' \
All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled \
by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... \
',' \
All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow \
a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ...  Although I don\'t know WHY!! \
',' \
All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat! \
',' \
All right, you degenerates!  I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds! \
',' \
All this time I\'ve been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT! \
',' \
Alright, you!!  Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!! \
',' \
Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN? \
',' \
Am I elected yet? \
',' \
Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet? \
',' \
Am I SHOPLIFTING? \
',' \
America!!  I saw it all!!  Vomiting!  Waving!  JERRY FALWELLING into \
your void tube of UHF oblivion!!  SAFEWAY of the mind ... \
',' \
An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!! \
',' \
An INK-LING?  Sure -- TAKE one!!  Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS?? \
',' \
An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES! \
',' \
And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!! \
',' \
ANN JILLIAN\'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON\'S HAIR look like RICARDO \
MONTALBAN\'S HAIR! \
',' \
Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER? \
',' \
Are we live or on tape? \
',' \
Are we on STRIKE yet? \
',' \
Are we THERE yet? \
',' \
Are we THERE yet?  My MIND is a SUBMARINE!! \
',' \
Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut?? \
',' \
Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS??  If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!! \
',' \
Are you still an ALCOHOLIC? \
',' \
As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection! \
',' \
Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY? \
',' \
BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!! \
',' \
Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away! \
But Ken says, WOO-WOO!!  No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!! \
',' \
BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY \
WAY" I\'ve ever heard!! \
',' \
Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST. \
',' \
BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ... \
',' \
BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI- \
',' \
... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... \
',' \
Bo Derek ruined my life! \
',' \
Boy, am I glad it\'s only 1971... \
',' \
Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th\' PLANET in 15 minutes!! \
',' \
But they went to MARS around 1953!! \
',' \
But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade? \
',' \
Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead? \
',' \
Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE? \
',' \
Catsup and Mustard all over the place!  It\'s the Human Hamburger! \
',' \
CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH! \
',' \
Civilization is fun!  Anyway, it keeps me busy!! \
',' \
Clear the laundromat!!  This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!! \
',' \
Concentrate on th\'cute, li\'l CARTOON GUYS!  Remember the SERIAL \
NUMBERS!!  Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!!  Have a FREE PEPSI!!  Turn \
LEFT at th\'HOLIDAY INN!!  JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!!  MAKE me an OFFER!!! \
',' \
CONGRATULATIONS!  Now should I make thinly veiled comments about \
DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE?? \
',' \
Content:  80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRONi ... The waitress\'s UNIFORM sheds \
TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ... \
',' \
Could I have a drug overdose? \
',' \
Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in \
a MALIBU HOT TUB? \
',' \
Did I do an INCORRECT THING?? \
',' \
Did I say I was a sardine?  Or a bus??? \
',' \
Did I SELL OUT yet?? \
',' \
Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA? \
',' \
Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy? \
',' \
DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL? \
',' \
Didn\'t I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo? \
',' \
Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running \
straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar! \
',' \
Do I have a lifestyle yet? \
',' \
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space? \
',' \
Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat?? \
',' \
Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"? \
',' \
Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days? \
',' \
Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me? \
',' \
does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS? \
',' \
DON\'T go!!  I\'m not HOWARD COSELL!!  I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!! \
Don\'t go!!  I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON\'T know Polish jokes!! \
',' \
Don\'t hit me!!  I\'m in the Twilight Zone!!! \
',' \
Don\'t SANFORIZE me!! \
',' \
Don\'t worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ... \
FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK \
STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ...  Are there any QUESTIONS?? \
',' \
Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!! \
',' \
Eisenhower!!  Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!! \
',' \
Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE\'S COURT"!! \
',' \
Everybody gets free BORSCHT! \
',' \
Everybody is going somewhere!!  It\'s probably a garage sale or a \
disaster Movie!! \
',' \
Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ... \
',' \
Excuse me, but didn\'t I tell you there\'s NO HOPE for the survival of \
OFFSET PRINTING? \
',' \
FEELINGS are cascading over me!!! \
',' \
Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty \
dining room. \
',' \
First, I\'m going to give you all the ANSWERS to today\'s test ...  So \
just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!! \
',' \
FOOLED you!  Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!! \
',' \
for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!! \
',' \
Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my \
gothic solarium!! \
',' \
FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ... \
',' \
FUN is never having to say you\'re SUSHI!! \
',' \
Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can\'t make my \
satellite dish PAYMENTS! \
',' \
Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ... \
',' \
Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!! \
',' \
Go on, EMOTE!  I was RAISED on thought balloons!! \
',' \
GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my \
pet LEISURE SUIT!! \
',' \
HAIR TONICS, please!! \
',' \
Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste! \
',' \
Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I\'m living for today! \
',' \
Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ...  Now, it\'s \
time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!! \
',' \
... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE. \
',' \
He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him -- \
',' \
He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me \
like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER!  Or maybe he\'d like to \
PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING \
MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!!  I guess I should call AL PACINO! \
',' \
HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death! \
',' \
HELLO, everybody, I\'m a HUMAN!! \
',' \
Hello, GORRY-O!!  I\'m a GENIUS from HARVARD!! \
',' \
Hello.  I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan females!! \
',' \
Hello.  Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES \
being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!! \
',' \
Hello...  IRON CURTAIN?  Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!  World War III?  No thanks! \
',' \
Hello?  Enema Bondage?  I\'m calling because I want to be happy, I guess ... \
',' \
Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample bottles ... \
',' \
Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!! \
',' \
Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don\'t see CARL SAGAN \
anywhere!! \
',' \
Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment? \
',' \
Hey, wait a minute!!  I want a divorce!! ... you\'re not Clint Eastwood!! \
',' \
Hey, waiter!  I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce! \
',' \
Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some \
drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI\'S!! \
',' \
Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a \
TROLLEY-CAR ... \
',' \
Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted \
island, when ... \
',' \
Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET \
FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ... \
',' \
Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL \
CHLORIDE ... \
',' \
Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ... \
',' \
HOORAY, Ronald!!  Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!! \
',' \
How do I get HOME? \
',' \
How do you explain Wayne Newton\'s POWER over millions?  It\'s th\' MOUSTACHE \
...  Have you ever noticed th\' way it radiates SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? \
It\'s a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA! \
',' \
How many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL \
SHARPENERS right NOW?? \
',' \
How\'s it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS?? \
',' \
How\'s the wife?  Is she at home enjoying capitalism? \
',' \
hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub. \
',' \
HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!! \
',' \
HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ... \
',' \
I always have fun because I\'m out of my mind!!! \
',' \
I am a jelly donut.  I am a jelly donut. \
',' \
I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927! \
',' \
I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller! \
',' \
I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST! \
',' \
I am having FUN...  I wonder if it\'s NET FUN or GROSS FUN? \
',' \
I am NOT a nut.... \
',' \
I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!! \
',' \
I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!! \
',' \
I can\'t decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!  I wonder if BOB \
GUCCIONE has these problems! \
',' \
I can\'t think about that.  It doesn\'t go with HEDGES in the shape of \
LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ... \
',' \
I demand IMPUNITY! \
',' \
I didn\'t order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO! \
',' \
I don\'t believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it\'s all just \
a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!! \
',' \
... I don\'t know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. \
LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE! \
',' \
I don\'t know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in \
my read molars ... \
',' \
... I don\'t like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN. \
',' \
I don\'t understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!! \
',' \
I feel ... JUGULAR ... \
',' \
I feel better about world problems now! \
',' \
I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon! \
',' \
I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG\'\' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ... \
',' \
I feel like I\'m in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!! \
',' \
I feel partially hydrogenated! \
',' \
I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the "WATCHTOWER" \
and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ...  They look NICE in the yard ... \
',' \
I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ... \
',' \
I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING! \
',' \
I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in \'81 ... \
',' \
I had pancake makeup for brunch! \
',' \
I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD \
',' \
I have a very good DENTAL PLAN.  Thank you. \
',' \
I have a VISION!  It\'s a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!! \
',' \
I have accepted Provolone into my life! \
',' \
I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS.. \
',' \
... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ... \
',' \
-- I have seen the FUN -- \
',' \
I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the \
INSTRUCTIONS ... \
',' \
I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!! \
',' \
I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because \
my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!! \
',' \
I haven\'t been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling \
every day from Oral Roberts!! \
',' \
I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ... \
',' \
I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to live!! \
',' \
I hope the ``Eurythmics\'\' practice birth control ... \
',' \
I hope you millionaires are having fun!  I just invested half your life \
savings in yeast!! \
',' \
I invented skydiving in 1989! \
',' \
I joined scientology at a garage sale!! \
',' \
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! \
',' \
I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can\'t remember WHO he is ... \
',' \
I just had a NOSE JOB!! \
',' \
I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON! \
',' \
I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!!  And I was just getting in touch \
with my LEISURE SUIT!! \
',' \
I just remembered something about a TOAD! \
',' \
I KAISER ROLL?!  What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW \
on the SIDE? \
',' \
I Know A Joke!! \
',' \
I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!! \
',' \
I know th\'MAMBO!!  I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!! \
',' \
I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can\'t even be PRINTED!! \
',' \
I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!! \
',' \
I like the way ONLY their mouths move ...  They look like DYING OYSTERS \
',' \
I like your SNOOPY POSTER!! \
',' \
-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC.  We\'re going away \
now.  I fed the cat. \
',' \
I love ROCK \'N ROLL!  I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in \
1965!! \
',' \
I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio SLEAZEBALLS!! \
',' \
I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!! \
',' \
I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank! \
',' \
I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL \
legislation... \
',' \
I represent a sardine!! \
',' \
I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers! \
',' \
... I see TOILET SEATS ... \
',' \
I selected E5 ... but I didn\'t hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"! \
',' \
I smell a RANCID CORN DOG! \
',' \
I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day! \
',' \
I think I am an overnight sensation right now!! \
',' \
... I think I\'d better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common \
MISAPPREHENSIONS ... \
',' \
I think I\'ll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while \
reading ERICA JONG\'S poetry!! \
',' \
I think my career is ruined! \
',' \
I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH \
RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!! \
',' \
... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!! \
',' \
I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!! \
',' \
I want a WESSON OIL lease!! \
',' \
I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!! \
',' \
I want EARS!  I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm \'n secure!! \
',' \
... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within \
SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!! \
',' \
I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d\'oeuvres. \
',' \
I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE \
and WHEAT THINS ... \
',' \
I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! \
',' \
... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!! \
',' \
I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ... \
',' \
I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!! \
',' \
I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY \
... BACKWARDS!! \
',' \
I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in \
formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don\'t be FURIOUS with me -- \
',' \
I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution! \
',' \
I was making donuts and now I\'m on a bus! \
',' \
I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!! \
',' \
I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog! \
',' \
I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world? \
',' \
I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE \
STRANGER? \
',' \
I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!! \
',' \
I wonder if there\'s anything GOOD on tonight? \
',' \
I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool -- \
',' \
I\'d like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried! \
',' \
I\'d like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE -- \
',' \
I\'ll eat ANYTHING that\'s BRIGHT BLUE!! \
',' \
I\'ll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ... \
',' \
I\'m a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany \
',' \
I\'m a GENIUS!  I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!! \
',' \
I\'m a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex! \
',' \
I\'m also against BODY-SURFING!! \
',' \
I\'m also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!! \
',' \
I\'m ANN LANDERS!!  I can SHOPLIFT!! \
',' \
I\'m changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO \
MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"! \
',' \
I\'m continually AMAZED at th\'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!! \
',' \
I\'m definitely not in Omaha! \
',' \
I\'m DESPONDENT ... I hope there\'s something DEEP-FRIED under this \
miniature DOMED STADIUM ... \
',' \
I\'m dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!!  Too late... \
',' \
I\'m EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!! \
',' \
I\'m encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!! \
',' \
I\'m GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!! \
',' \
I\'m gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!! \
',' \
I\'m having a BIG BANG THEORY!! \
',' \
I\'m having a MID-WEEK CRISIS! \
',' \
I\'m having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don\'t take any DRUGS \
',' \
I\'m having a tax-deductible experience!  I need an energy crunch!! \
',' \
I\'m having an emotional outburst!! \
',' \
I\'m having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!!  But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in \
my PAJAMA POCKET?? \
',' \
I\'m having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and \
wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ... \
',' \
I\'m having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!! \
',' \
... I\'m IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM \
of a KOSHER DELI -- \
',' \
I\'m in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS. \
',' \
I\'m into SOFTWARE! \
',' \
I\'m meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my \
PERSONAL SPACE!! \
',' \
I\'m mentally OVERDRAWN!  What\'s that SIGNPOST up ahead?  Where\'s ROD \
STERLING when you really need him? \
',' \
I\'m not an Iranian!!  I voted for Dianne Feinstein!! \
',' \
I\'m not available for comment.. \
',' \
I\'m pretending I\'m pulling in a TROUT!  Am I doing it correctly?? \
',' \
I\'m pretending that we\'re all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO \
MONTALBAN! \
',' \
I\'m QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife \
and two children stand QUIETLY BY ... \
',' \
I\'m rated PG-34!! \
',' \
I\'m receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!! \
',' \
I\'m RELIGIOUS!!  I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!!  Equip me with MISSILES!! \
',' \
I\'m reporting for duty as a modern person.  I want to do the Latin Hustle now! \
',' \
I\'m shaving!!  I\'M SHAVING!! \
',' \
I\'m sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it\'s ENJOYABLE ... I\'m WARM \
... I\'m VIBRATORY ... \
',' \
I\'m thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated \
IMAGE FORMATIONS ... \
',' \
I\'m totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN ... \
',' \
I\'m using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER \
WORKINGS of this POTATO!! \
',' \
I\'m wearing PAMPERS!! \
',' \
I\'m wet!  I\'m wild! \
',' \
I\'m young ... I\'m HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN\'S LUMBAR REGIONS! \
',' \
I\'m ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I\'m totally committed to the festive mode. \
',' \
I\'ve got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ... \
',' \
I\'ve got an IDEA!!  Why don\'t I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your \
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!! \
',' \
I\'ve read SEVEN MILLION books!! \
',' \
... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im \
antiken Rom ...  einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche \
PIZZA ... \
',' \
If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for \
MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a \
GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!! \
',' \
If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old houseboy ... \
',' \
If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again! \
',' \
If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be \
replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET! \
',' \
If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT! \
',' \
If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th\' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!! \
',' \
... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn\'t be a more fortunate man!! \
',' \
If I pull this SWITCH I\'ll be RITA HAYWORTH!!  Or a SCIENTOLOGIST! \
',' \
if it GLISTENS, gobble it!! \
',' \
If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun! \
',' \
If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo?? \
',' \
In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental \
Belt," for $10.99!! \
',' \
In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day! \
',' \
INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!! \
',' \
Inside, I\'m already SOBBING! \
',' \
Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?  Or are we suffering in Safeway? \
',' \
Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders??  Is the FROG \
his GUIDELIGHT??  It is curious that a DOG runs already on the ESCALATOR ... \
',' \
Is it 1974?  What\'s for SUPPER?  Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one \
wild afternoon?? \
',' \
Is it clean in other dimensions? \
',' \
Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a \
plate of SAUCE MORNAY? \
',' \
Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN? \
',' \
Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"? \
',' \
Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy? \
',' \
Is this TERMINAL fun? \
',' \
Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also \
makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR? \
',' \
Isn\'t this my STOP?! \
',' \
It don\'t mean a THING if you ain\'t got that SWING!! \
',' \
It was a JOKE!!  Get it??  I was receiving messages from DAVID LETTERMAN!! \
YOW!! \
',' \
It\'s a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!? \
',' \
It\'s NO USE ... I\'ve gone to "CLUB MED"!! \
',' \
It\'s OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA \
in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She\'s making \
FRENCH TOAST! \
',' \
It\'s OKAY -- I\'m an INTELLECTUAL, too. \
',' \
It\'s the RINSE CYCLE!!  They\'ve ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!! \
',' \
JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we\'ll ever reach their level \
of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ... \
',' \
Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! \
',' \
Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ... \
',' \
Kids, don\'t gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be \
carried too FAR! \
',' \
Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA, \
PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!! \
',' \
Laundry is the fifth dimension!!  ... um ... um ... th\' washing machine \
is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!! \
',' \
LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??! \
',' \
Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET \
ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS ... \
',' \
Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ... \
',' \
Let\'s all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON\'s legal difficulties!! \
',' \
Let\'s send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories! \
',' \
Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST!  I\'m REFRESHINGLY CANDID!! \
',' \
Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!! \
',' \
Loni Anderson\'s hair should be LEGALIZED!! \
',' \
Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!!  Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a \
HIGHBALL?? ... \
',' \
Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy\'s charge card! \
',' \
Look!  A ladder!  Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich! \
',' \
LOOK!!  Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of \
Seagulls" HAIRCUTS! \
',' \
Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!! \
',' \
Mary Tyler Moore\'s SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a \
cheap hotel in HONOLULU! \
',' \
Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE -- \
',' \
MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician! \
',' \
MMM-MM!!  So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!  \
',' \
Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!!  A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the \
shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!!  I\'m about to swallow a \
TORN-OFF section of a COW\'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and \
SUGAR!! ... Let\'s see ... Next, I\'ll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, \
BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded \
animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!!  That was GOOD!!  For DESSERT, \
I\'ll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE \
WHEAT BUN!! \
',' \
Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of \
the INDONESIAN archipelago? \
',' \
My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!! \
',' \
My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE \
FUNCTION and full kitchen!! \
',' \
My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New York!! \
',' \
My EARS are GONE!! \
',' \
My face is new, my license is expired, and I\'m under a doctor\'s care!!!! \
',' \
My haircut is totally traditional! \
',' \
MY income is ALL disposable! \
',' \
My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ... \
',' \
My life is a patio of fun! \
',' \
My mind is a potato field ... \
',' \
My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ... \
',' \
My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ... \
',' \
My NOSE is NUMB! \
',' \
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!! \
',' \
My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!! \
',' \
My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift! \
',' \
My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C.  And I can prove it too!! \
',' \
My vaseline is RUNNING... \
',' \
NANCY!!  Why is everything RED?! \
',' \
NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!  They\'re VOIDED -- They \
COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They \
did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but \
they were OFF-KEY ... \
',' \
NEWARK has been REZONED!!  DES MOINES has been REZONED!! \
',' \
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! \
',' \
Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... in PAIN!!! \
',' \
Now I am depressed ... \
',' \
Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST \
BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER! \
',' \
Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"! \
',' \
Now I\'m being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the \
BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!! \
',' \
Now I\'m concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II! \
',' \
Now I\'m having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of \
HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached \
by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ... \
',' \
Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ... \
',' \
Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING \
and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!! \
',' \
Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!! \
',' \
Now, let\'s SEND OUT for QUICHE!! \
',' \
Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE -- \
',' \
Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!! \
',' \
Oh, I get it!!  "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY?? \
',' \
Okay ... I\'m going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK\'s CUBE HANDBOOK FOR \
DEAD CAT LOVERS" ... \
',' \
OKAY!!  Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED \
R.V.\'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!! \
',' \
OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS??  Oh, YEH!!  First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O \
and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th\'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if \
it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE\'S \
the WASHING MACHINES? \
',' \
On SECOND thought, maybe I\'ll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS \
PHILBIN ...  It\'s GREAT to be ALIVE!! \
',' \
On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL \
QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!! \
',' \
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT. \
',' \
Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of \
DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY \
VALUES!! \
',' \
Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION \
statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was \
completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely \
amusing SIT-COM pilots!!  We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we \
finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled \
snack cakes! \
',' \
One FISHWICH coming up!! \
',' \
ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. \
',' \
ONE:    I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to \
	the downtown PLASMA CENTER ... \
TWO:	I won\'t START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ... \
THREE:	I won\'t ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!! \
',' \
... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday? \
',' \
Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this \
table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also \
leave a GENEROUS TIP .... \
',' \
over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ... \
',' \
OVER the underpass!  UNDER the overpass!  Around the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!! \
',' \
PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH? \
',' \
Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your BOOTH! \
',' \
PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT. \
',' \
People humiliating a salami! \
',' \
PIZZA!! \
',' \
Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the \
Trianon Room!!  Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES! \
',' \
Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!! \
',' \
Psychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!! \
',' \
PUNK ROCK!!  DISCO DUCK!!  BIRTH CONTROL!! \
',' \
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! \
',' \
RELATIVES!! \
',' \
Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by prescription!! \
',' \
RHAPSODY in Glue! \
',' \
SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS \
... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes, \
starring JANE FONDA!! \
',' \
Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY\'\', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA \
94140, USA \
',' \
SHHHH!!  I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into \
empty OIL DRUMS ... \
',' \
Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley? \
',' \
Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL\'S OFFICE today -- or have a VASECTOMY?? \
',' \
Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK \
hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST? \
',' \
Sign my PETITION. \
',' \
So this is what it feels like to be potato salad \
',' \
So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL \
INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 \
SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!! \
',' \
Someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN \
',' \
Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!! \
',' \
Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!! \
',' \
Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a \
batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!! \
',' \
Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it \
to Beaver"! \
',' \
Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!!  I wonder why? \
',' \
TAILFINS!! ... click ... \
',' \
	Talking Pinhead Blues: \
Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY\'\' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel \
    TWENTY-SIX!! \
 \
Th\'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin\' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been \
    DEAD for YEARS..  (sniff) \
 \
My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th\' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG \
    won\'t let me take a SHOWER \'til Easter ... (snurf) \
 \
So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!! \
    (on no, no, no..  Heh, heh) \
',' \
TAPPING?  You POLITICIANS!  Don\'t you realize that the END of the "Wash \
Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?! \
',' \
Tex SEX!  The HOME of WHEELS!  The dripping of COFFEE!!  Take me to \
Minnesota but don\'t EMBARRASS me!! \
',' \
Th\' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th\' SOUL \
',' \
Thank god!! ... It\'s HENNY YOUNGMAN!! \
',' \
The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth \
the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!! \
',' \
The entire CHINESE WOMEN\'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality -- \
and have since BIRTH!! \
',' \
The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my \
SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!! \
',' \
The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ... \
',' \
... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued \
OYSTER!  Yum! \
',' \
The Korean War must have been fun. \
',' \
... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! \
',' \
The Osmonds!  You are all Osmonds!!  Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!! \
',' \
The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!! \
',' \
The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!  But they went to MARS \
around 1953!! \
',' \
The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ... \
',' \
There is no TRUTH.  There is no REALITY.  There is no CONSISTENCY. \
There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS.   I\'m very probably wrong. \
',' \
There\'s a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS \
in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!! \
',' \
There\'s enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni! \
',' \
	"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind\'s HIGHEST VALUES!" \
	"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" \
	"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP \
out of MEGATON MAN!" \
',' \
These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!! \
',' \
They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen \
appeal! \
',' \
This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He\'s so ... so ... URGENT!! \
',' \
"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG." \
		-- Bob Violence \
',' \
This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th\' CANADIAN BACON!! \
',' \
This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up \
against someone\'s MARTINI!! \
',' \
... this must be what it\'s like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!! \
',' \
This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!! \
',' \
This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!! \
',' \
This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience!  Someone I DON\'T LIKE is \
talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ... \
',' \
Those aren\'t WINOS -- that\'s my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD \
SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!! \
',' \
Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the \
aesthetic modules -- \
',' \
Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER \
before his MAKEOVER! \
',' \
Toes, knees, NIPPLES.  Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ... \
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! \
',' \
TONY RANDALL!  Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN?? \
',' \
Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader \
frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend? \
',' \
Uh-oh!!  I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS! \
',' \
UH-OH!!  I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50\'s" by \
mistake!!! \
',' \
UH-OH!!  I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE\'S having a \
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!!  Ha ha. \
',' \
Uh-oh!!  I\'m having TOO MUCH FUN!! \
',' \
UH-OH!!  We\'re out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS! \
',' \
Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE! \
',' \
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! \
',' \
Vote for ME -- I\'m well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED! \
',' \
Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction?? \
',' \
Was my SOY LOAF left out in th\'RAIN?  It tastes REAL GOOD!! \
',' \
We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub ... \
',' \
We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR -- \
',' \
We just joined the civil hair patrol! \
',' \
We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. \
45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head! \
',' \
Well, here I am in AMERICA..  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I \
HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE ... \
EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!! \
',' \
Well, I\'m a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!!  And I\'m looking for a way to \
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! \
',' \
Well, I\'m INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES  \
ROOM ... \
',' \
Well, O.K.  I\'ll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR! \
',' \
Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE? \
',' \
What a COINCIDENCE!  I\'m an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!! \
',' \
What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY? \
',' \
What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ... \
',' \
What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf? \
',' \
What PROGRAM are they watching? \
',' \
What UNIVERSE is this, please?? \
',' \
What\'s the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory? \
',' \
When I met th\'POPE back in \'58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or \
DETERGENT for 15 minutes.  He seemed to enjoy it ... \
',' \
When this load is DONE I think I\'ll wash it AGAIN ... \
',' \
When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING? \
',' \
When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING \
BILL ... Don\'t you SEE?  O\'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION \
and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!! \
',' \
Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th\' WASHER? \
',' \
Where does it go when you flush? \
',' \
Where\'s SANDY DUNCAN? \
',' \
Where\'s th\' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT?? \
',' \
Where\'s the Coke machine?  Tell me a joke!! \
',' \
While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit \
priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! \
',' \
While you\'re chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG\'S bank account ...  his \
will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"! \
',' \
WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?! \
',' \
WHOA!!  Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!  It must be the \
NEGATIVE IONS!! \
',' \
Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me?? \
',' \
Why don\'t you ever enter any CONTESTS, Marvin??  Don\'t you know your \
own ZIPCODE? \
',' \
Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex? \
',' \
Why is it that when you DIE, you can\'t take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT \
CENTER with you?? \
',' \
Will it improve my CASH FLOW? \
',' \
Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air? \
',' \
Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease? \
',' \
With YOU, I can be MYSELF ...  We don\'t NEED Dan Rather ... \
',' \
World War III?  No thanks! \
',' \
World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code! \
',' \
Wow!  Look!!  A stray meatball!!  Let\'s interview it! \
',' \
Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"! \
',' \
Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON \
MAIDEN concert? \
',' \
You can\'t hurt me!!  I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!! \
',' \
You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th\' \
distinction between FANTASY and REALITY? \
',' \
You mean you don\'t want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA? \
',' \
YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN\'S NOSE!! \
',' \
You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW CAREER!! \
',' \
You were s\'posed to laugh! \
',' \
YOU!!  Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN \
DOLLHOUSE you can find!!  An make it SNAPPY!! \
',' \
Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS -- \
',' \
Youth of today!  Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental \
attitudes! \
',' \
Yow! \
',' \
Yow!  Am I having fun yet? \
',' \
Yow!  Am I in Milwaukee? \
',' \
Yow!  And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights! \
',' \
Yow!  Are we laid back yet? \
',' \
Yow!  Are we wet yet? \
',' \
Yow!  Are you the self-frying president? \
',' \
Yow!  Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?? \
',' \
Yow!  I just went below the poverty line! \
',' \
Yow!  I threw up on my window! \
',' \
Yow!  I want my nose in lights! \
',' \
Yow!  I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua! \
',' \
Yow!  I\'m having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel mill! \
',' \
Yow!  I\'m imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce! \
',' \
Yow!  Is my fallout shelter termite proof? \
',' \
Yow!  Is this sexual intercourse yet??  Is it, huh, is it?? \
',' \
Yow!  It\'s a hole all the way to downtown Burbank! \
',' \
Yow!  It\'s some people inside the wall!  This is better than mopping! \
',' \
Yow!  Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY -- \
',' \
Yow!  Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING \
BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL! \
',' \
Yow!  Now we can become alcoholics! \
',' \
Yow!  Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!! \
',' \
Yow!  We\'re going to a new disco! \
',' \
YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! \
',' \
YOW!!  I\'m in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!! \
',' \
YOW!!  Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th\' new TAX REFORM laws!! \
',' \
YOW!!  The land of the rising SONY!! \
',' \
YOW!!  Up ahead!  It\'s a DONUT HUT!! \
',' \
YOW!!  What should the entire human race DO??  Consume a fifth of \
CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND! \
',' \
YOW!!!  I am having fun!!! \
',' \
Zippy\'s brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ... \
'
];